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The usual disclaimers apply. This is fiction.
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Chapter 27
Trigger warning: continued themes of anxiety and depression. This is the last chapter with the trigger warning.
"Work," Chris said. "When I get really anxious, I just concentrate on work and try to ignore whatever's bothering me." He and Armie were sitting in his hotel room, FaceTiming with a counselor. It was the second appointment in a week and Armie insisted that they do it, even though Chris was hesitant. He'd tried it before, but for Armie's peace of mind, he'd try again. He didn't talk much during the first session and as this one wound down, he realized it was more of the same. He was trying to talk more, but hated the words coming out of his mouth. He wanted to be open, but that's just not how he'd ever been. He didn't want to sound whiny or needy. Safe space or not, he just wanted the whole thing to be over.
"I don't want him to stop that entirely," Armie said. "We know that it's part of the process. The ideas come from somewhere, we don't want to lose that."
"Think about the kind of things that come out with your anxiety," Dr. Dao said. "See if it's different from what comes out when you're actually sitting down to write. You'll probably see a big difference. We'll talk about it next week."
"Thank you," Chris said. "I'll do my homework."
"Thank you both for your time," she said. "Good work."
"Not so bad, right?" Armie said, shutting his laptop and kissing Chris' forehead. "She said some good things. Lots for us to work on."
Chris nodded and stood up, making his way to the suite's bedroom to grab a sweatshirt. He pulled it on and came back to the couch. They'd decided that he'd stay with Armie through the production. No traveling for either of them. Armie insisted that it wasn't about keeping an eye on Chris, it was so they could do their joint therapy sessions and because when they were together, it was better for the both of them. If Chris couldn't write, fine. There was time for that later. It was more important now for them to just be. "Is there a museum or something we can walk to?"
"Not one that's open right now, it's past dinnertime."
"Mall?"
Armie chuckled. "Sure. Let's go shopping."
Chris kissed him, his hand lingering on Armie's chest. "I love you. I get what you're doing and it's amazing, but it was one time. It won't happen again."
"Okay," Armie said. "Just two more sessions and we'll be done. I believe in you."
"Two sessions."
They ended up skipping the mall, heading to the waterfront instead. It didn't surprise either one of them that they somehow managed to find themselves at the water. Vancouver wasn't a beach town, though. Skyscrapers came right up to the edge, water meeting concrete. There was no sandy expanse, no volleyball courts. There were only a few parks along the walkway, but the city certainly was making more out of their waterfront property than either Santa Barbara or Venice Beach.
Armie had been to Vancouver enough to make it feel familiar, but he was still awestruck by the skyline and the density of the city. The people were nice, nobody bothered to even give the two of them a second glance, and there were a lot of coffee shops. Chris leaned against the rail, the wind coming off the water stronger than he expected. Armie leaned down over him, kissing him softly. "No tacos up here," he said.
"They've got poutine."
Armie chuckled, kissing Chris one more time. "If we just never, ever talked to my mom again, would it be so bad?"
"We have to see her all the time," Chris said. "You can't just drop her entirely. But trust me, if I only her for foundation stuff, I wouldn't care. But you've got to see her more than me."
"Being polite is tough sometimes," Armie said, running his hands down Chris' back.
"I'll hang out with your dad," Chris said. He brought his arms up around Armie's shoulders. "We had to do everything to piss her off, didn't we? And then I go and give the charity all that attention and she doesn't even care."
"Why don't you say these things to Dr. Dao?"
"It's easier to talk to you."
"She's there to help."
"Okay, okay. I'm trying my best."
The memory of Chris' last episode was still fresh in both of their memories. Neither of them wanted it to happen again and Chris had explained that it wasn't completely foreign, but that it was definitely harder to get through that last one than it ever had before.
"We lead a very charmed existence," Chris said. "That I can literally run away from my problems and talk to psychiatrists on the computer."
"Well, that charmed life comes with its own problems," Armie said. "Not everyone has their divorce in the gossip columns."
The darkness was settling around them. Light from the skyscrapers reflected in the ripples of the bay, the entire city was quieting down, and Chris could feel everything around them settling in for the night. "Would it be in bad taste to write a book about how awful this all is?"
"You'd never do that."
"I only write what I know," Chris joked.
"Can I just keep kissing you?"
Chris beat him to it, landing soft kisses on Armie's lower lip, nipping at it one time and kissing him full on. The familiar scratch of Armie's beard, the feel of his tongue, and the way their bodies fit together brought Chris into a comfortable place where the world melted away. It was exactly what he needed when the dull ache in his chest seemed to grow and intensify without warning.
"I love you," Armie said, his lips still brushing against Chris'. "If you didn't have the Santa Barbara house, where would you have gone?"
"I don't know. My charmed life includes a contingency property."
"I'm serious," Armie said. "Please don't run away again. I know you told me where you were, but I was still worried." Chris nodded and rested his head on Armies' chest. "Why are you crying?"
Armie's warm hands held Chris tight against him. "I'm just mad at myself." Chris' voice was quiet. "You deserve better than me."
"No, I don't," Armie said. Chris was sniffling and wiping his face with his hands.
"Should we get some food?" he said after he composed himself.
"Read my mind."
A cab ride to Chinatown had them in front of a noodle house that had a line of at least 20 people. Chris was starving, but it looked like the place was worth the wait, especially if this many people thought so. Armie's hand was around Chris' waist as they waited, the smell of pork broth and egg noodles wafting from the door every time someone left.
"Chris, I think you're drooling."
"I'm not," Chris said, eyes wide. They inched closer and closer to the front of the line and Chris felt like a cool Travel Channel host that had just stumbled upon a secret restaurant. Everyone that came out was smiling wide, which was always a good sign.
"You are," Armie said, a goofy grin on his own face.
Chris was tapping away on his phone, looking at photos of the food, reading reviews and advice on what to order. When they arrived inside, Chris practically bounded to the counter, where they sat with only 10 other diners. "Hand-pulled noodles," Chris said confidently. "Two bowls with everything. Shrimp dumplings. Gai lan. Thank you."
The server didn't say a word, just slid two cups of tap water across the counter and walked turned around to relay the order to the chefs. It was a well-oiled machine and Armie watched as Chris took it all in, eyes wide and attention rapt. Armie ran his hand up and down Chris' back.
"I can't give you a supportive mom and movie-director dad," Armie said, a bit of resignation in his voice. "It might have to be just you and me. Is that enough?"
"That's not what I was looking for," Chris said. "I just didn't expect your mom to be more involved with your ex-wife than your current husband and actually go out her way to make me feel like an insignificant part of her life. I'm only slightly exaggerating."
"No, you're not. She wants nothing to do with you unless you're handing her a check for the charity."
Two steaming bowls of noodles got set in front of them and Chris dove right in, his practiced chopstick skills making short work of the slippery strands. Distractions, Armie saw, kept things steady. Keeping Chris' mind away from thoughts of Dru was key, especially since Armie would have to talk to his mom to get some concrete boundaries set. If there wasn't even a tiny bit of closure, Chris would never be able to move on.
"So good," Chris said between slurps.
"Very good," Armie said, grinning.
"I'm depressed," Chris said, his reaching down to grip at Armie's knee. "And I'm anxious and I know that. But I'm not going to hurt myself or anything. I promise." More of their food arrived without a word from the server.
"I know that," Armie said, his hand coming up to grip Chris' shoulder.
"I don't want you to think that I need a babysitter all the time."
Armie's thumb traced along Chris' jaw. "I want you to feel safe, happy, and loved. I know that's not easy, but I'm here to make it as easy as I can."
Chris' hand came up to grasp Armie's wrist and he planted soft kisses on his knuckles. "I was an orphan. It's hard not to feel like I was an orphan all over again when the divorce happened."
"You're not an orphan," Armie said. "I hate that you even feel like you were."
"I am the literal definition of an orphan," Chris said. "I may not be in a Charles Dickens novel, but I am definitely an orphan."
Chris went back to his food, but Armie rested his left hand on his leg. "I'm sorry," Armie said. "But technicalities aside, you've got a family. It's definitely not a traditional one, but you've got people who care for you very much."
"I'm lucky," Chris said. "I know that. I want to be better for you."
"No, you do it for yourself," Armie said. "For you."
And because Armie knew exactly what to say to make him feel like he could take anything on, Chris believed him completely. With that kind of cheering squad to lift his spirits, there was no way he'd let anyone or anything get him that far down again.
Two weeks together in Vancouver, where they became regulars at that late-night noodle house, were followed by a week in Santa Barbara. Two more sessions with Dr. Dao came with the promise to keep her in the loop, whether the progress was good or bad. The week left Armie tanner, his hair lighter, and his spirits in a very good place. Chris hadn't fallen back into his anxiety, even as he was having a slew of back-and-forth emails with David. The new outline was weak in the third act and needed polishing. But there was no rush, David told him. Make it right and they'd keep on. So, back in Venice, Chris focused on the way Armie's muscles looked when he came in from jumping rope instead of tying up loose strings in his book. He ran with Sebastian along the beach in the morning and made sure to take a slow walk all the way out to the end of the pier afterwards, excited to hear about Sebastian's latest projects as they had cappuccinos from paper cups.
They're at the aquarium with Ramona and Gloria when Armie spots them: his mother and his ex, together, folders in hand, looking more at the building and the open space than the fish behind the glass. Chris is oblivious, his face pressed up to the tank alongside the girls'. Armie had read plenty about what his mom had done, though he hadn't spoken directly to her about it. Dru had helped Liz open a bakery in Dallas. They had a second location opening soon, with plans for a third. It was to be a mini empire built on pastel pastries. He wondered what they were doing in Long Beach, far from Dru's usual stomping grounds and half a continent from Liz's current projects.
Armie had learned a long, long time ago that it was hard to stay incognito when you stood at 6 foot 5. They'd spot him in no time if they actually paid attention to their surroundings. "Chris, my mom is here," he said as he reached for Chris' shoulder. "Liz is with her. I don't know why."
Ramona turned to look at exactly whom Armie was referring to, but Gloria was still transfixed on the colorful fish. Chris stood up and followed Armie's sightline, freezing when he saw it for himself. Armie's eyes dart from his mother to his husband and he can see the color drain from Chris' face.
"I'm sorry," Armie said. "I don't have any clue what's happening here."
Chris held onto Ramona's hand and Armie did the same to Gloria, who probably felt the tension herself. It felt like hours, but Dru spotted Armie in no time at all. She and Elizabeth made their way through the sparse crowd and approached them, creating a motley crew of blended families and failed relationships.
"What a surprise, mom," Armie said.
"Hi Dru," Chris said, offering a wave. "These are my nieces, Ramona and Gloria."
"Pleasure to meet you two young ladies," she said.
Liz introduced herself to the girls with a sweet smile and then turned to Chris. "We've never officially met."
"And now we have," he said as he offered a hand. Liz took it gracefully, shaking it gently. "Christopher Hammer. Lewis. Hammer. Chris Hammer."
"I've read all your books," she said. He'd never seen her in real life. She was disarmingly beautiful. Long, wavy brown hair topped lean limbs. She was carrying an expensive purse and wore heels, even though she was touring an aquarium. This glowing, modern-day goddess couldn't make it work with Armie Hammer, with his movie-star good looks and ineffable charisma? He felt two inches tall, even though he was the one with the ring on his finger now. He was the one Armie loved, but it wasn't that long ago that Armie loved Liz.
She'd had him. She knew the curve of his shoulders, the way he bit his lip when he came especially hard, the way his chest hair and his beard basically blended into one another if he let things get too out of control. There was so much common ground, but they couldn't be more different. Chris could feel his heart race and his self-esteem drop. Gloria's attentions were being tested, her grip on Chris' hand growing impatient. There were fish to see.
"I appreciate you saying that," Chris said. "I hope you liked them."
"Girls, this is my mom and Elizabeth and I were married before I was married to your Uncle Chris."
"You're very pretty," Gloria said, smiling. Liz blushed, responding with a sweet, cooing thank you and a compliment to Gloria's glittery sneakers.
"We're planning a fundraiser," Dru said. "Thought we'd take a look at the facilities here."
"It's beautiful," Chris said. "The kids love it. We all do."
"It's a bit fussy for what we had in mind," Dru said. "But we'll keep an open mind and see what they can offer."
Armie could sense Chris unraveling beside him. "Why don't you take the girls to the turtle tank and I'll catch up? They came for the animals, not to talk."
Relief. "Yeah. Great idea," Chris said, his breaths catching as he tried to pull a few words together. The girls said their goodbyes and Chris was grateful to have a legitimate, justifiable reason to remove himself from the situation. He gave Armie a quick kiss on the cheek and grabbed both of his niece's hands.
"Watch your uncle, girls. Don't lose him," Armie said.
"You haven't been returning my phone calls," Dru said. Elizabeth was silent, but there was a smug expression pricking at the corner of her glossy lips.
"I've emailed you," Armie said. "You couldn't fit me into your schedule."
"He's handsome," Liz said, watching as Chris led the girls away, not looking back even once.
"You always were into big Bambi eyes," Dru added.
"And he's smart, well-respected, and makes me very, very happy," Armie said.
"Chris is great," Dru said. "Very nervous, though."
"It's because you're intimidating," Armie said. "And ungrateful. Sometimes, passive-aggressive."
Liz's eyes widened at the sound of those words. Everyone thought them, but nobody ever said them out loud. "Unless you're going to be supportive of us together, there's no reason for you to see him. And it should go without saying that we're very much a package deal, mom."
"Don't threaten me."
"I'm not. I'm urging you to get past whatever is keeping you from being the open, caring person I know you can be. Chris has done everything he can and you're dismissing a real relationship with him because of what? He doesn't fit into your narrow view of what's proper?"
"That's not why."
"Then why, mom? Why are you still doing anything you can to spend time with Liz and making no effort to even find common ground with my husband?"
Chris sat down on a bench, just a few feet away from Ramona and Gloria, who were entranced by a duo of playful sea otters sliding and swimming around their enclosure. He was grateful that there was some sort of feeding demonstration to keep their attention, because he was having trouble keeping his breathing even. Gloria came over to sit on his lap and he held her steady as she watched the trainer interact with his wards, feeding them scallops and explaining how they swam on their backs and used rocks to open shellfish. Ramona was practically jumping up and down she was so excited to see them so close.
"They're like water puppies, aren't they?" Chris said softly. Gloria nodded, her eyes darting from her excited sister to the otters, which were now doing somersaults under the water.
"Are you tired?" Chris asked. "Do we need a nap?" Gloria shook her head. There was too much happening for her to even think about taking a nap. Chris could use one, he thought.
"I honestly just needed her advice," Liz said. "But lunch ran long and she wanted my opinion on the aquarium as a venue. It's not like we're working together."
"She's an investor in the bakery, Liz. I know that much."
"She underwrote an entire 12-part TV series for you two."
"Chris raised more than five million dollars for the foundation," Armie said. "He'd never admit it, but he paid for that whole show."
"Nonsense," Dru said.
"I saw the paperwork," Armie interrupted. "You all think I don't care about that foundation, but there are things I don't overlook. If Chris is involved, you know I'm going to make sure everything's right."
"That's enough," Dru said as she stiffened. "We've seen enough. I've heard enough from you. There's a time and a place for conversation like this and it's not here."
"Have a safe trip back to Texas, Liz," Armie said. "Please, stay there and stay far, far away from my mom." He leaned down to kiss his mother on the cheek. "Have a good afternoon, mom. I'll see you around." He shook his head and walked away, leaving the pair to their business and hoping that it'd be a while before he saw either one of them.
The sea turtles were far less animated than the otters, but the girls were still glued to the action. In the tropical fish display, the colors were bright and the huge turtles wound their way between coral and rocks like they were gliding through air, not swirling water. "I've got you," Armie said, catching Chris' sunglasses in midair as they fell off his head. Gloria had knocked them off as she jumped excitedly into Chris' arms.
"How did that go?" Chris asked.
"I took care of it," Armie said, giving Chris a quick kiss on the temple. "Don't worry about it. How are you holding up? Everything okay?"
"You definitely have a type," Chris said, his gaze still fixed on the fish. "Dark hair. Willowy. Probably a little damaged."
"She was a society girl," Armie said. "I thought I was doing what I was supposed to."
"Everyone probably thought she just wanted you for money and fame."
"And everyone would be right," Armie said. "I didn't see it. I didn't listen. And now, I'm with you."
"Everyone probably thought I just wanted money and fame."
"You know that's not true. I am a big step down from what you had before. In more ways than one."
"Ramona, can you watch your sister in the bathroom, please? Armie and I will be right here," Chris said. "We can't go into the girls' side."
"We'll be right back," she said, holding her sister's hand and escorting her to the restrooms on the other side of the exhibit.
Chris felt a single tear roll down his cheek. Armie brushed it away with his thumb. Their eyes locked. "All we can do is keep on going," Armie said. "Whatever happens with my mom, I'm with you."
Armie's arm came around Chris' back and he pulled them closer together. Chris rested his forehead on Armie's shoulder, doing everything Dr. Dao had recommended: deep breaths, counting at a steady pace, pinching that weird flap of skin between his thumb and index finger. But it was the way Armie held him tight and the familiar combination of cologne and dryer sheets that kept his heart from racing and sinking at the same time, not anything he'd learned at therapy.
"Uncle Chris needs a nap," Gloria said.
"Yeah, he probably does," Armie said. "Are you girls ready to keep going? We can touch sharks outside." The mere mention of sharks was enough to send them into a second wave of frenzied excitement. "Let's head out there."
Chris took one more second to compose himself before getting up again, holding onto Gloria's hand. Ramona looked up at him, his exasperated expression a stark change from the joy that painted his features earlier. "Is everything okay? Did something happen?" she asked.
"No, nothing. Let's go touch some sharks," Chris said.
It was an afternoon of sharks, a quick drive, and two sleeping passengers -- that would be Gloria and Chris -- before they all arrived back in Venice Beach. Maggie would be here any minute to pick them up and Chris did his best to make sure that they were presentable. Clean hands, clean faces, and full stomachs via individual build-your-own pizzas that Armie helped them make. They were presentable and he survived one more day being the best ex-uncle he could be.
"We'll see you guys soon," Chris said as he made sure everything they came with would be leaving with them: jackets, reusable water bottles, and everything else Maggie had packed into a tote bag she'd left in the entryway.
"Not soon enough," Maggie said, stepping into the kitchen. She pat Gloria on the head as Ramona came over to pull her mom into a hug. "Thank you again for babysitting. I'm sure these monsters gave you lots of trouble."
"Can I get you something to drink?" Chris asked.
"There's cauliflower pizza leftover," Armie added.
"I can't see why that's the case," Maggie said, rolling her eyes. "I'll take some water and I'll take a quick tour."
"I'll show you the room I stayed in last time," Ramona said. "Chris and Armie left my rocket in there."
"Lead the way," Maggie said, impressed by her own child's enthusiasm. Chris handed her a glass of water and Armie followed as Ramona led her mother upstairs. Chris straightened up the kitchen and made his way out to the patio, sitting in his usual spot and coming to the realization that his usual spot usually involved having Armie to lean against.
Chris turned on the fire pit and folded his legs under him, taking in the calm of the evening, the scent of eucalyptus barely noticeable and the quiet of nighttime settling in on the neighborhood. It was slightly too hot for the fire, but it added to the ambiance, so there was no reason not to have it going. He turned it down to the lowest setting, which still offered a warm glow.
"That man is very good with children," Maggie said, sitting down across from Chris.
"Yeah, there's not much he's not good at," Chris said. "Did your audition meeting thing go okay?"
"Perfect," Maggie said. Chris could see her relax. "This is amazing. Why do you ever leave?"
"I try not to," Chris said. "Honestly. It's a mess out there."
"Even with that breathtaking man by your side?"
"I'm a lucky guy," Chris said. He sat up straight and stretched his arms over his head. "I never realized just how lucky until I lost some really great things. Armie's family is nothing like you and your parents. When it's gone, it's really hard to lose that foundation."
"You didn't lose anything. Mom and dad would help you no matter what. Why would you think otherwise?"
"I don't know why. I thought I had to keep my distance from everything. I was wrong, I know. It was...just with Jake and everything...I didn't want Armie to think I was hung up on that."
"So, what? You just didn't need help?"
"I did, I just didn't ask for it."
"Either we're all getting frozen yogurt or you need to hit the road. The natives are getting restless," Armie said, standing in the doorway.
"There's a Japanese soft serve place on Abbot Kinney," Chris suggested.
"I'll get them back to the house," Maggie said. "You guys are great, but I'll give you the rest of the night off. Remember what I said, Christoper, Jake is the only one that divorced you. You're still stuck with the rest of us."
Chris nodded and followed Maggie back into the house. He gave Ramona and Gloria a kiss each on their heads and walked them out to the front door, Armie staying a few paces behind. "Be good, you two," Chris said as he waved goodbye.
Armie wrapped his arms around Chris' waist and rested his chin on Chris' shoulder. "They grow up so fast." Chris shot his elbow back, hitting Armie in the ribs. He recoiled and let out a soft chuckle. "Okay, okay. Bad joke."
Chris untangled himself from Armie's limbs and made himself a cup of tea, bringing it up to his office and settling down at his computer. As soon as he got comfortable, he regretted not changing out of his jeans.
"Are you writing or just doing email stuff?" Armie asked. He came up behind Chris and kissed the back of his neck, his hands rubbing Chris' shoulders.
"I'll be quick," Chris said. "I'm too tired to actually write. I was off my phone all day trying to be a good example for the girls."
"You're too good. They probably didn't even notice," Armie said, planting soft kisses on Chris' shoulders.
Chris smiled at the sensation, taking a slow, deep breath as he felt the warmth spread through him, starting at where Armie's lips and hands were and filling his chest. He reached over and took a sip of his tea. "Want some?" Chris asked, tilting his head a bit, giving Armie an easier way to access his neck.
Armie reached around, grabbing the mug and bringing it to his mouth. Chris typed out an email and the familiar swoosh of the send notification rang through the room. It was nice being in Chris' office, where Armie had been hesitant to even hang out in since so much serious work happened there. It wasn't exactly sacred, but he knew he could be a distraction. But he could be good, too, and often relaxed on the sofa with a book while Chris wrote. They didn't have to even talk. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes.
"Come to the couch," Armie said. Chris got up, following Armie's suggestion. He sat against Armie, back to chest, his computer on his lap and Armie's fingertips tracing along his sides, feeling around his waist, his eyes scanning Chris' computer every few seconds to see exactly what Chris was doing. Emails to David. Still working on the ending. Responding to a few questions about cover concepts. Sebastian sent a meme about cats being scared of cucumbers. All that got was a happy-face emoji. More emails to David. Dr. Dao sent a few questions, but Armie noticed Chris ignoring that one.
"Tomorrow," Chris said, like he could sense exactly what Armie was thinking. He shut his laptop and slid it under the couch, a safe spot in case an errant footstep or flailing arm managed to come into play. Chris turned around and straddled Armie's lap, finally just doing away with all the pretense and kissing him on the lips. Armie's hands were on his waist almost instantly and Chris felt Armie's tongue sliding against his and the familiar sensation of scratchy beard stubble against his own smooth face.
Chris pulled off his T-shirt and Armie's lips met bare skin, trailing kisses and soft bites across Chris' chest. Fingers in Armie's hair, Chris closed his eyes and ground his crotch against Armie's.
"Where's the lube in here?" Armie asked, his hands reaching around to feel Chris' butt. Chris leaned down to kiss Armie one more time, cupping his cheeks in his hands.
"We can go to the bedroom," Chris said, his voice already breathy. "Lots of lube in there." Armie's hands were on his waistband now, practiced fingers getting the button and zipper undone before pushing Chris' jeans off. Before Chris could suggest the bedroom one more time, Armie had pushed him down onto his back and licked a long line up his leaking dick.
"Armie," Chris groaned, his back arching and his toes curling as Armie's tongue seemed to be everywhere at once. "There's lube in my desk."
"Knew it."
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