A very big thank you to all of the readers who have taken the time to send kind messages for the first chapters of the story. I very much appreciate it. Please send any feedback, complaints, and correspondence to breakingthroughstory@gmail.com.
The usual disclaimers apply. This is fiction.
Please donate to Nifty. http://donate.nifty.org/donate.html
Chapter 15
Chris swung his arm under the sheets, hoping for something warm to cling onto. Armie wasn't there. Groaning, Chris finally opened his eyes and the realization that he wasn't in his own bed shot him back into reality. Sighing, he pulled the blanket tighter around his body until he saw his niece doing her best to stay quiet as she puttered around her own bedroom.
"It's okay Ramona, I'm up," he said, his voice still heavy and raspy with sleep.
"It's still early," she said, keeping her voice low.
"I'm up," Chris said, sitting up. He rubbed his eyes and looked around the bedroom. There were the typical trappings of 11-year-old life. A few posters on the wall, plenty of pastel purple pillows scattered around the floor -- flung off of the bed while Chris tossed and turned, of course -- and a carefully curated assortment of toys and books that straddled childhood and adolescence.
"Sorry I took your bed," Chris added. "You know how your parents are. Are they in the kitchen?"
Ramona nodded. "I'm just looking for my backpack."
"Are you coming with us tonight?"
"Dad won't let me see Uncle Jake's show until the weekend," she said, finally finding her knapsack. She stood triumphantly and strapped it on. With her school uniform on, she looked like a miniature adult. Chris couldn't believe it. He remembered when she was just a toddler.
"Have a good day at school. I'll see you later, Ro."
She gave him a quick hug before heading into the hallway. He could hear her alerting her parents to the fact that he was awake. He couldn't make out their muffled conversation, however. Chris grabbed at his phone and tapped out a message to Armie. He was in Toronto. He had been for almost two months now.
"I don't fit on a full-size bed anymore," Chris said as soon as Armie called. Back when they were together, Chris and Jake squeezed into that same bed. Half of Armie's body would hang off it, Chris thought.
"I wouldn't think so," Armie said. The sound of his voice was so comforting that Chris could feel the warmth spread down his back just from hearing it. "Everything good?"
"I can't run on a few hours of sleep like I used to," Chris said. "Red-eyes are for the young."
"Don't exaggerate," Armie said. "You do it all the time."
"Not by choice," Chris said, fully aware that it was, in fact, his choice. He booked his own travel, after all. It was quicker to leave in the middle of the night, to get to Armie as quick as he could every chance he could. He'd forgo a few hours of rest to sleep in the same bed, to feel Armie's lips and soak in the familiarity of just being together.
"Really, is everything okay?"
"I'm fine. Maggie and Peter are fine. Girls are good." Chris said, finally getting to his feet. His ex- sister- and brother-in-law had made him cancel his room at the W Hotel. Family bonds seemed stronger than marital ones. They wanted him under their roof. It had been five months since he'd seen Jake and they had that windy talk at the coffee shop. They'd spoken since, but Jake had to prepare for the play in New York. Though it was unspoken, they both blamed geography for not getting together and ignored the fact that Jake had called the divorce a mistake. Chris' stomach fell just thinking about it, so he did his best not to. Ever.
"You still there?" Armie asked, breaking up the awkward silence.
"I should get ready," Chris said. "I miss you. A lot."
"Call me back when you've got your coffee." There was another pause.
"Sorry," Chris said. "I'm still out of it. I'll call you soon."
A few minutes later, Chris was sitting at the Sarsgaards' dining room table, his legs pulled up to his chest as he idly stirred his coffee. Peter had gone to walk Ramona and Gloria to school, so Chris was alone with Maggie. They'd always been close, but Chris had felt them growing apart since the divorce. Maggie had insisted that nothing had to change between them and Chris did his part to keep things as normal as possible, but it still felt strange -- even more now, since Armie was in the picture. There was no official protocol for this. He'd have to write a letter to the Emily Post Institute.
If only he could write. Since Viktor's wedding all those months ago, he was struggling with a major case of writer's block. He was grateful to have a few stories to flesh out, but he couldn't put together a solid idea without it fizzling out. He'd occupied himself with shorter projects, but part of him was afraid that another novel just wouldn't come. To say that he'd been prolific in the last decade would be an understatement. Critics would say that he had put out so much material so that something -- anything -- would stick with readers. For every success, there were stories that would be instantly forgotten. Chris chalked up the lack of focus to his overactive imagination. But all he had to show for his upcoming work was a journal filled with half-baked ideas and incoherent scribbles.
"I'm going to call the hotel later," Chris said, interrupting whatever Maggie had been talking about. "Ramona shouldn't be sleeping with her sister."
"They're kids, Chris. They think it's fun," Maggie said.
Chris wrapped his hands around his coffee mug and frowned. "It doesn't feel right anymore."
Maggie leaned over the table. "You don't have a choice," she said matter-of-factly. "He told me what happened. I don't think it's a good idea. I'm on your side here."
"I hate that you had to explain to Ramona what divorce even was because of me. I don't like that seeing them reminds me of Jake."
"That's not what seeing them has to do to you. They're in school. They have friends with divorced parents. You weren't the ones that brought that into their lives."
Chris sighed. "It doesn't feel right to stay here when I'm not with your brother. That's all."
"You shouldn't feel that way. But I can't make you stay, even though I want to."
Chris didn't want to push the subject, but waking up and seeing the things that reminded him of his past was as tough. It felt like a lifetime ago and being surrounded by the photos, the familiar places, and a family that wasn't really his family anymore for longer than necessary might break him. "Thanks," Chris said. He never had an older sister growing up, but it was moments like this that made him grateful to have someone like Maggie to step into the role. He knew that she was coming from the right place, but he wasn't sure that he could keep up appearances around the kids.
"Have you read the play?" Maggie asked, finally sitting back in her chair.
Chris nodded. He'd read it as soon as Jake brought it up. He read it again it the evening before his red-eye flight. "It should be good."
"This is weird," Maggie said. "It shouldn't be."
"It is very weird," Chris said. There was no other way to describe the dynamic between them. During his last trip, things hadn't changed at all. Chris had slept in the same bed, ran around with the girls, and had a great time when they all got Italian food together. This time around, Chris could barely look Maggie in the eye. "I'm afraid that I'm letting Jake down. But I don't want to hurt Armie, either. Things happened so fast with Jake that I didn't even realize it was done until we weren't living together anymore. Then, Armie happened. And Jake said he wanted to get back together and I felt like I broke his heart." His words seemed to spill out of him, coming out fast and unencumbered.
"But what did you want?"
"Jake was there when I lost my house. When I couldn't get anyone to take my weird experimental books seriously, he was there. Then, I lost him. If that happened again, I wouldn't be able to take it."
"Armie is really good for you. We can all see it," Maggie said. "Nobody is asking you to give that up to make Jake happy. Jake's lost right now, but it's not your job to go back to him just because he asked. You have to want it."
"I thought I did," Chris admitted, half to himself and half to Maggie. It was hard to hear the words come out of his mouth. "I thought it was all I'd ever want. But it wasn't."
"I've heard it from both sides," Maggie said. "And I don't know what's going on with either of you. You made it work for a long time."
Chris gave a weak shrug. "Can't say I know what happened, either. I don't think about it, because when I do, I just get...upset. Or sad. Grief, you know?"
"It's your life. Make sure I'm a part of it, though. I didn't have a say in the separation."
'Sometimes, I feel like I didn't, either,' Chris wanted to say. But he kept that inside. It was far enough in the past where it just felt petty at this point. He nodded, "I was stubborn, too. Takes two people to screw things up."
"There's no bad guy," Maggie added. "That would make things too easy."
Chris spent the day trying to write. He walked to the park and a coffee shop, but only a few loose ideas came out. After Ramona and Gloria Rae got home from school, he walked them to dance class, where he watched them plie and jete for an hour. All the while, he spoke to them like they were adults, something he knew Ramona liked about him, and explained that they might be spending less time together. Gloria Rae, who was only five, seemed more concerned with the glittery Mary Janes Chris bought for her. When Ramona heard that her Uncle Chris wouldn't be making his usual holiday visits and maybe cutting his long summertime stays short, she retreated into herself. Chris could actually see her shrink away and he immediately regretted his straightforward approach to it all. For a second, the thought that getting back together with Jake for these girls might make not be the worst idea.
"I'll still see you, I promise," Chris said. He could see how important it was to Ramona and, in turn, how important it was to him. "It'll just be a little different."
"I liked it when we went out to California," Ramona said, her eyes still turned toward the ground. "That was fun."
"I'll take you to Disneyland next time," Chris said. "I've been meaning to go."
The mention of Disneyland perked her up. "What about Disney World?"
"That's not in California."
"I know. But you and Uncle Jake haven't taken us there."
Chris felt like he'd been punched in the stomach. They'd taken Ramona to Disneyland and the beach down in Laguna. She'd spent weeks at a time with them. The thought of losing that wasn't only affecting Ramona. "We can go to Disney World," Chris assured her. "Tell your parents I'll take you."
They were back at the house by the time Chris had promised a trip to Disney World, a milkshake date, and a return trip for Halloween and her dance recital.
"I may have scarred her," Chris told Peter and Maggie as they were getting ready for Jake's play. "Send me the therapy bills."
"She'll be fine," Peter said. "We're all still processing things and you can't afford everyone's therapy bills."
"Did you guys see this in previews?" Chris asked.
"Just once," Maggie said. Chris stood in the doorway of the kitchen, watching as Peter spoke to the babysitter and Maggie kissed her daughters on the top of their heads. It was a well-choreographed dance. "You'll like it," she added. "It's not as dark as everyone thinks."
"Do you pick these roles on purpose?" Chris asked Jake after the show. They were alone in his dressing room and Jake was washing off his thick stage makeup. It took a lot to make someone look like they weren't wearing makeup, Chris noticed. "It's like you want to make me cry."
"I wanted to be in 'How to Succeed in Business,' but they weren't casting," Jake said, pulling his shirt off and putting on a fresh T-shirt. Chris watched the muscles in his chest and abs flex as he pulled it on. "I thought it was good to work on something this raw. Really get back to the essentials. It's not easy every night, but it's really great for me."
'Get 3,000 miles away?' Chris wanted to ask. 'Put a continent between what he'd said about possibly getting back together?' He kept his mouth shut.
Jake put both his hands on Chris' shoulders. "I appreciate you coming out," Jake said. "Did you like it?"
"Every minute. It was good to see you out there," Chris said.
Jake smiled and gave Chris' shoulders a squeeze. It was the same smile that Chris saw when they were together: slightly crooked, the corners of Jake's eyes wrinkling and a sparkle coming from the clear blue. "That means a lot."
Chris pulled Jake into a hug, feeling his back and shoulders. It was, as he feared, getting slightly unfamiliar. He even got up on his tiptoes out of habit, but slowly lowered himself to find himself forehead-to-forehead with Jake. "You think we're going to be okay?" Jake asked quietly. "Maybe if I think about what I say before I say it?"
"I think so," Chris said. He really believed it, too. After seeing how much the girls would miss him, he wanted to make sure that some things didn't change. "Maybe if I keep everything away from...the story of us."
"That was tough, I'll admit," Jake said. Chris wondered when Maggie and Peter would come backstage, but the figured they were probably giving him some space.
"You know I had to get it out," Chris said, pulling away from Jake and sitting down on the loveseat. He looked up at Jake, who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest.
"You're lucky to have a way to get your feelings out," Jake says. "And I'm lucky that I get to see our relationship in every possible medium."
"Still doing that?"
"It's what happens when I don't slow down," Jake said. "Sorry."
Thankfully for the both of them, there was a knock at the door. "Hold on," Jake said, slightly louder than necessary. "I mean it," Jake said to Chris. "I'm not going to lose you as a friend, too."
Chris reached out and held Jake's hand. "You can't get rid of me. I'll do my best not to make things weird. You don't have to meet Armie or anything."
"Yeah, definitely not ready for that yet."
One quiet afterparty and two cab rides later, Chris checked into his room at the W Hotel. Jake had been in good spirits, which wasn't unusual when his family was around, but Chris could sense a lightness about him that was definitely new. By the time he'd settled into his room, it was late. It was definitely too late to expect Armie to surprise him with an impromptu appearance, even though Toronto was just a short flight away.
"I want to be there with you," Armie sent via text.
It was almost pointless, since Chris was set to fly up to meet him the next day. Sitting on the bed, he half hoped that there'd be a knock on the door and he'd open it to find his very own giant boyfriend on the other side. It's what would have happened if his life happened to be a movie, but the only thing he'd have to keep him company tonight was the sound of the street below.
"You doing okay?" Armie asked, his concern evident over the phone.
"I thought I was going to lose my family," Chris said. "But...the kids and Maggie and Peter. They're all good. I'm good."
"You always think the worst possible scenario is the only one," Armie said. "Give people some credit." Chris stared at the ceiling. Hearing Armie's voice was enough to have him relax. "Did you call Nick?" Armie asked.
"He was busy," Chris said. "Seeing him without you would have been weird. I was dealing with some stuff." His relationship with Armie's best friend had improved after Viktor's wedding, but they were still a ways away from hanging out without Armie around, too. Chris was convinced that Nick had some sort of resentment toward him. On top of everything, it also felt too late for anything genuine to happen. If they were going to be friends, it would have happened by now.
"It doesn't get any easier, even after all this time," Armie said. "But Nick's a good guy. Can you give him a chance, please?"
"He'll like me if we buy a house from him," Chris said, sighing.
"He's kidding about that," Armie said. "Half-kidding. Maybe."
"I'm falling asleep," Chris said, trying to find a comfortable spot on the bed. "Why aren't you here?"
"I was given specific instructions not to surprise you."
"I'll see you tomorrow, then," Chris said, sighing. He reached to shut the lights off when he heard a soft knock at the door. He shot out of bed at the sound and rushed to it, a sleepy smile on his face and the phone still pressed to his ear. "You're the worst, but I love you," he said to Armie through the phone. He opened the door and froze.
"Jake," Chris said, his eyes wide.
"Chris?" Armie asked. "Hey, what's going on?"
"Jake's here," Chris said. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"You can leave me on the line, I don't mind," Armie said.
"Stop. Bye. Have a good night," Chris said before hanging up. The requisite 'I love you,' would have been too much for the present company, he thought.
"I didn't mean to ignore you at the party," Jake said. "I just thought it would be easier for the both of us."
"Right after what we talked about it?" Chris asked. He shut the door behind Jake, who had made his way to the hotel room's one armchair.
"Maggie told me how good you were with Ramona," Jake said. He looked tired and drawn, like he'd had one too many glasses of wine or maybe one too many slices of garlic bread. "I remember that, too. It made me think about how they're going to want to spend time with us. Together."
"They'll figure it out pretty quick," Chris said. "I'm assuming that you'd introduce them to the architect."
"Not for a while," Jake said. "But I know we can't pretend to be together just for my nieces. That's crazy. I feel bad for them."
"I do, too," Chris said. He sat down at the foot of the bed. "But I told them about Armie. I explained to Ramona that we're not together anymore. She knows what's going on. She knows that we're divorced."
"She's a kid," Jake said. "I don't think she can really get it."
"Jake, why did you come here? You're not expecting me to change my mind about everything."
"I missed you," Jake said. His eyes were focused down at the carpet. "Everything that happened earlier just felt so right. But I know that you've made up your mind. I've made up mine, too. I'm here now, though. I'm here and I don't know why. "
"It's different now," Chris said. "It's not ever going to be like it was. And it shouldn't be. We're not together because we couldn't be together without things getting messed up."
"Should I go?"
"You can't stay," Chris said quickly. "That's for sure."
"It's good to see you and spend time with you," Jake said. He didn't make any motion to leave. While he'd been there for mere minutes, it felt like time had stopped for the both of them. They refused to make eye contact, fearing that the intimacy of that simple act would bring up even deeper-seeded problems. Chris sat on the end of the bed, his eyes scanning Jake's familiar form, taking everything in from his messy hair and his clean-shaven face to the same beat-up old boots he'd worn for years. Chris sent them out to be re-soled so many times that he'd lost count.
"It's really hard when you're out here," Chris said. "Back at home you were avoiding me. It felt that way, I mean."
"I wasn't," Jake assured him. "Not on purpose, at least."
"Armie and I are getting really serious, Jake," Chris finally said. His eyes were still turned toward his feet and the carpet on the floor. "I can't mess that up."
"I get that. I'm not asking you to do anything. I thought about it, but I think it's clear now that we're done," Jake said. He made his way over to Chris and pulled him up into a hug. "I let you go too soon. I hurt you. Now, I have to live with that."
"You need to move on from," Chris said, pressing his cheek against Jake's. "We both have to."
Feedback: breakingthroughstory@gmail.com