Title: Toy Soldiers
Author: Red (redfirewitch@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer: This is purely fictive. I've never been inside Chris' mind. I don't know about the sexuality of any member of Nsync.
Note: Those on the Nsyncslash list will have seen this before.
~~ CHRIS'S POV.
And they all fall down. And they all fall down. And they all...what is that? What the hell is that?! Why can't I stop running that line through my head? There's a nursery rhyme that goes like that. What is it? Is it about a London bridge? No. I can't remember but I can't stop singing that line. But it didn't get stuck in my head for no reason.
I watch the guys performing, automatically executing the moves as Darryl counted the beat. It was scary to see that none of them had the enthusiasm that had been on their faces when we first started out. I see them moving like well-oiled machine and that's why I think of that line from a song.
Oh yeah. It's a song not a nursery rhyme. But which song? Does it matter?
They are all going through the motions of the dance moves but I could see that none of them were actually * there *. It's sad to see this. Then again I'm one to talk. I'm no better. How we have all changed through the years. Five guys who got together with a common dream, only to find it turning into a nightmare and slowly destroying us in the end.
Woah! I'm getting philosophical in old age! At least that's what the guys would say. If we were still close enough to be consider each other as 'the guys'.
'The guys'. Nsync, pop phenomenon, Beatles of the 21st century, and other labels like that have been assigned to us. All to describe five guys who in truth were only doing something they enjoyed. But somehow, along the way, it became less about doing something we liked and more about doing something others liked. I mean, sure. Performers performed for others' entertainment but you still have to like it too. We did in the beginning. There were sacrifices but they were outnumbered by the benefits.
No time for sleep? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing something that's worth the sacrifice!"
No time for girlfriends? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing something that's worth the sacrifice!"
No time for family? "Hey! That's ok! We're doing something that's worth the sacrifice!"
No time to live a life? "Hey! That's ok! We're...we're...we're doing..."
Yep. Sooner or later, you stop deceiving yourself.
Deception. Now that's a contender for the group's new name is one of us quits. We're not only good at, if I have to say so myself, singing, dancing and hamming it up for the cameras. The past few months we've discovered a new talent. Deception. We do it to each other, to ourselves and of course the fans and the media. Screw the fans and the media!
(Gasp! He said it! Chris said screw the fans and media! Nsync doesn't care about their fans! SOB! Sob! Sniffle!)
Spare me! We've been deceiving the fans and the media from the word go. Nice boys. No dark past. No vices. Nice boys. If only they knew about the groupies, the drinking and the smoking. No, not drugs. We weren't stupid. Just crazy and living it up. No, the real deception was of each other and ourselves.
The funny thing about fame is that millions of people you have never even seen know all about you. They talk about you, think about you, cry for you, LOVE you! Yet you are lonely. You begin to understand that the 'you' they rave about is actually not you!
Wow! Deep! I wonder if I sprained my brain with that thought. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. So we are all lonely but yet we manage to fool ourselves into thinking," My life is so phat dude! I'm living the dream!"
Oh great! I seem to be channeling Justin and JC.
You know what the really sad part is? We were living the dream. Apart from the 'sacrifices' and the little harmless 'vices' we had it all right. We had values. We had each other. We were doing it right. I honestly thought of us as nice, decent guys; people who had the capacity to love and care for their fellow human beings.
Ha! What a load of crap!
Suddenly it all changed. I don't know whom it began with but it just suddenly...changed. The ironic part is that the change started when one of us, the strongest one, stopped deceiving himself. Lance.
::Sigh:: I see him right now, struggling to keep up with Darryl's timing but he's failing miserably. He won't get it right now. He never does until it's the fifth practice through. Lance never was great at the slick moves we've become known for but he sure has the head for business. It is so easy to discount him as a softy, judging him by his appearance but he's actually anything but. He knows when to stand up for his rights. He gives in to us all the time because most of the time the fight is just not worth the hassle but when it is a big deal, he can argue his point so well that contesting his ideas would just make you seem like a yokel. I've been there. I know what I'm talking about. Lance's the type who loses the battles but wins the wars. That's why he was the first one to come out. That war was important to him.
I can still remember the shock when he told us. I'll let you in on a secret. Deep down, I think that 'The Shock' wasn't caused by the fact that we all thought that Lance was straight. It was because we all never thought he would have the guts to tell the truth. He actually was brave enough to jeopardize his career... our career.
Ahhh! That's why the anger started.
Justin (Mr. Popularity) was the first to start yelling.
JC (Mr. 'Music Is My Life) just sat there looking dazed.
Joey (Mr. 'Will Girls Think I'm Gay Too') was frowning at Lance like maybe if he looked hard enough, maybe he would find out that this wasn't Lance. Maybe this was some Lance imposter.
Me? I was...I was...you know I really don't know even now what I was feeling then. It wasn't exactly a shock. I wasn't angry. I just felt like a stranger in the group. I didn't know any of them. JC and Joey seemed to recover their bearings and came down hard on Lance. I just sat there, wondering if these were the same guys who I've been spending the most memorable years of my life with. Their words were ugly bellying the looks that actually made them teen heartthrobs.
I then made the mistake of looking at Lance.
The look on his face was...calm. But his eyes reflected the hurt and pain. And his eyes were on me. I could almost hear his silent plea.
'Help me Chris. Say something. You can't hate me too?'.
I then did something which I would regret for the rest of my life.
I looked away.
I looked away even though I wanted to go to his rescue. I don't know why. I really wanted to punch Justin, JC and Joey, scream at them that it was their FRIEND that they were destroying with their words but I couldn't. I was not an idiot like the other three. I was worse. I was a betrayer. Idiocy has the excuse of being ignorant. Ignorance can be forgiven. Betrayal was so much worse. I betrayed Lance.
I saw that.
Justin just glared at Lance because he stumbled over one of the moves again. Lance had by now been used to those glares from Justin. Asshole!
[You're one to talk, Traitor!]
Justin had taken this whole thing the worst among all the rest. He absolutely refused to stand beside Lance in photoshoots, talk to Lance or even look at Lance. Well unless it was to glare at him. Lance just ignored him as best as he could. Joey and JC weren't that bad but they weren't any better. They spoke to Lance only if it was with regards to Nsync business. They were still careful around Lance though. As if, relaxing around a gay person could make them gay.
The only person who treats Lance normally is me. I don't see him as any different from the wonderful person he was before 'The Shock'. But even if I was able to deceive myself into thinking that everything is the same between Lance and me as it was before, Lance wouldn't let me. He is rather cool to me. He never forgot the betrayal. Actually neither can I. I always play that pleading look in Lance's eyes, in my mind. Right before I looked away.
I looked away.
Damn it!
Why!
Darryl calls for a break. Justin, JC and Joey head for the table where the refreshments are. They call to me. They completely ignore Lance. I want to walk up to Lance and talk but I know the response I would get. Those cool, one-word answers. Even when he says 'Yes', I hear 'Traitor'. Even when he says 'No', I hear 'Traitor'. But it's the truth isn't it? I just let the rest of the group railroad Lance just because I was...I was...afraid.
I'm finally admitting it to myself. I was afraid to speak up for Lance because I was afraid to hear those very hurtful from JC, Joey and Justin said to me.
"HOW THE HELL COULD YOU DO THIS TO US, LANCE [CHRIS]!"
"NSYNC CAN'T SURVIVE IF ONE [TWO] OF US IS A FAG, LANCE [CHRIS]!"
"JUST GO TO ONE OF THOSE CAMPS FOR PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY ARE GAY, LANCE [CHRIS]!"
I was afraid to hear those words said to me so I just threw Lance to the wolves and saved myself.
Traitor!
I'm standing with the guys...correction...with JC, Joey and Justin, drinking water. Lance is standing a few feet away from us, checking his messages on the phone. He seems to have taken the segregation in his stride. He never complained. He just went along with the rules.
I'm suddenly getting a flashback of my high school days.
I remember a pudgy little kid sitting alone during lunch at the table. No one wanted to sit with him because he was weird and he was also the new kid. He was poor and his shoes were not Reeboks. Everyone wore Reeboks but not him. He wasn't even a smart geek so no joining the geeks' table. He was definitely not going to be invited to the jocks' table. He just didn't fit in. Every once in a while he would see a sympathetic look on a some kid's face as he or she passed the lonely table but none of them wanted to risk their own standing in the high school's social strata so they just moved on to the table where their friends sat. The boy knew that they wanted to be nice to him and sit with him but they were all afraid.
Just like I am now.
Turnabout sucks.
I wonder why Lance even stays in this fucked up group of ours. Why does he put himself through this hell? Actually I know the answer only too well because I know Lance. He does it for all of us. Leaving the group and/or coming out would have repercussion on the group as a whole. Even if Lance wasn't the lead singer, he added the vital element to Nsync that made us know to the world as 'a united group of great guys'. Hell, even his name was part of Nsync. If he left, Nsync would not exist. It would be Sync or, more likely, Nsyc. Sink or sick! Both would befit us four if Lance left, damn it! He knows it; I know it and so do the rest. Take Lance away and we all fall down.
But why then do they continue to treat him like shit?
Because we all deceive ourselves into thinking that that would never happen. Lance won't betray the group.
Ha! Or so they hope.
One day he is going to reach his breaking point and then they'll know. Until then, Lance will be that boy sitting at the Lonely Table. But one day that boy will get up and say, I've had enough of this shit and perhaps join another loner sitting at another Lonely Table. I know it will happen because I did move myself to another Lonely table and found a friend. The Lonely Table was no more. Once Lance moves, Nsync would be no more. And we'll all fall down.
Hey! I remember it. The song the line is from! A song from my past. From my high school days. I think her name was Martika. And the song was Toy Soldiers. No wonder I couldn't forget that line. It's us. All of us.
Darryl wants us to get back to practice. And we all march on.
The End.