Booker Burns

Booker Burns 6

I couldn't sleep so I propped myself up and watched my hopefully new son sleep. Another wake up bottle around three, which took longer than I thought he just wanted to watch me with his big blue eyes. I allowed myself a small space of sadness. Book would love this kid and I know he would have made a great father for him. A knock on the door woke me. Because it had been a hot night I had placed Beetle on the floor almost naked and had been watching his perfect little body sleep, he was in the foetal position, then I had drifted off too.

Aunty was rearing to go and after she bathed and changed him she made me go to work. I can't believe she talked me into it, I wasn't busy but I did want her to get to know the little fella. I was nearly asleep at my desk when mum rang, she was telling me she had arrived and Jenny her and Beetle were playing in the back garden. She basically was telling me they were so excited to have him in their lives. I suppose I had better do some work if I'm going to raise a family I better earn some money. And I better tell Hildy to go over and have some play time with the girls.

Mum didn't stay in with us, she took Auntie's spare room they both wanted to give us as much time together as possible. I had placed his crib again on the floor next to my bed my hand was being tugged by his little fingers, his eyes were shut and he was trying to put my finger in his mouth. He couldn't suck properly yet, but he will in time. I felt sad he couldn't do the basic most natural thing for a little bubba to do.

The days dragged on that was until I had the bright idea of taking Beetle to work with me one day. I lost him as he was handed from person to person, he ended up in Hildy's office she was feeding him when I looked in. I saw the tears as she talked softly to him, I closed the door gently and left her to it.

I got him back at four o clock, it was knock off time

"Two pm Thursday, Judge Wilson will hear the case, as you know he's a good man you don't have to worry." Hildy winked at me.

"Okay." I replied slowly.

"Oh we go back a long way baby; you leave this to momma."

I suppose I will have to, so on Thursday he was dressed in his best jumpsuit and we were armed with Aunty mum Hildy uncle Rodger and a very cute lawyer called Johnnie to go and argue our case in the magistrate office. We arrived right before this performance will take place. I say performance because I had seen plenty of adoptions before and they always end with a big performance.

Little Beetle didn't want the ladies today I think he's had enough of them, he just wanted me. I cradled him while the judge read through the paperwork then he took his glasses off and looked directly at me. Johnnie tried to talk but he told him to be quiet.

"Mr Tierney why do you want to adopt this child?"

"Because I have fallen in love with him, and he so desperately needs me. He's hurt and he needs my love to get him through the rest of his life. And he's also an awesome little angel."

"Will you get his pallet fixed?"

"Yes your honour as soon as I'm legally able to do so."

He picked up the papers and banged a stamp on them then signed.

"You now have a son; god bless you- fucking parents." He said under his breath.

The performance started with cheers, they were heard from the third floor, as my family celebrated our newest member, Beetle.

I was assured he wouldn't feel any discomfort with his operation, a team of doctors will make sure he's fixed and a plastic surgeon will give him his smile back.

"I can assure you Zack, you will feel it more than little Beetle." The surgeon laughed at me. I was a mess and was filled with dread and I felt so guilty for putting him through this. I paced the waiting room hundreds of times and when I got so sick of that I walked around the recovery ward. After four hours, the surgeon greeted me with a big smile. I knew then he was going to be okay.

"Very successful operation, your boy now has a very cute smile, he's done it in his sleep several times now." I could have kissed him.

We were allowed to see him, he was so gorgeous and looked so peaceful in his baby crib, he had a nurse monitoring him for twenty-four hours then they would let him come home. The stitches will come out next week and he has to have a few follow up operations but that will be when he's a little older.

His first smile for his dad was the next morning when I helped the nurse put ointment on his lip. He had taken his bottle and after a few tense minutes he found his sucking rhythm. I could hear his throat swallowing the life sustaining drink, and the nipple made a squealing sound when he took a breather. It was all new to him but I think he was having fun.

"I love you baby." I whispered. He gave me the biggest grin he could his legs kicked his arms were held out in front. My love flowed into his heart and his opened mine as I gasped at his perfect beauty. After feed time I let him sleep and went to find some food for myself. I had stayed at the hospital just in case he got scared without me there. I helped the nurse feed him, change him and we had even bathed him and now after a few sandwiches am going back to sit by the nursery window. I was beckoned in again he had woken. I passed my doughnut bag to her and said.

"May I?"

"Go ahead he's your son, and I think by the looks of him he wants a daddy cuddle. Don't worry he's not in any pain."

I picked him up gently he smiled again but his eyes were closed, so awesome.

I held him for hours while he slept off and on, poor little thing was very tired. I didn't want to leave him but eventually was ushered out by the nurse, she was telling me to go home and get some sleep.

I told her to feel free to eat my doughnut. She laughed as she gently closed the door behind me. I lasted three hours and then I showered and went back to sit by the window.

It was another big production when I was allowed to take him home, three women were with me, Mum Aunty and Hildy. They made me drive while they protected him in the back seat.

"I have packed up what I think you will need my boy."

"Packed why?"

"You're coming home for a month baby; we can't have you doing this all on your own." Hildy looked at me and said.

"Its been cleared with the big lady boss kid, go get some fresh air for awhile."

I was excited to go home at last, it had been a long time since I had seen my mates. I did think one day I would drive out to the farm and see Booker, my heart leapt but then the hurt memories pounced on it.

We got home around two, aunty and mum were on baby duty, no arguments they just did what mothers do, they fussed.

"Zack, Andy called there's a party out at his place tonight, I think they heard somehow you were on your way home."

"God mum I haven't got time for parties, I take it you told them I was coming."

"Well you have time now, and you owe your friends a visit they miss you."

"Shit, I wanted to settle Beetle into his new surroundings."

"Curb your language boy, and do you think I have never settled a baby before?" She bent down and kissed Beetle then started talking to him.

I put his things into my bedroom, But I noticed Beetles crib had been set up in mum's room, so I pushed it into mine, it looked good amongst all my boyhood treasures, now I have one more to look at.

I showered and dressed country style Jeans, pale denim Wrangler shirt, I left my hair loose tonight it felt right, no crazy city hair do's here. I also felt like I was free of the cesspool I had been swimming in the past few years.

Around eight I went to the toilet upstairs and noticed the crib was now in aunt's room. I pushed it back then closed my door. I leered at both of them and shook my finger.

"Leave it where it is." They both shuffled their feet as they blushed.

It never occurred to me Book would be there; I really didn't know where he was now days except mum said he was doing great guns with the farm. It will be good to catch up with the guys again its been too long. I was greeted at the door by a very drunk young lady who wrapped her arms around me then showed me out the back to the big family room.

He looked so fucking sexy, so beautiful I nearly cried when I saw him talking to Blake at the kitchen bench, his jeans were tight and his chequered shirt hung off his broad shoulders his dark blonde curls had grown back and wound down his neck to lay softly on his shoulders, all trace of his army image was gone. My arrival wasn't a quiet one, the guys hadn't seen me for months but I was pleased to see them all and catch up on their news. I needed this, just to get out of the city while Beetle recovered and I needed to clear my head. But I think I just walked into a hornet's nest again as Book noticed me and stood up straight, his eyes beamed as they lit up.

There was only about twenty of the guys and plenty of girls there, I knew them all and as they hugged me and shook my hands I was staring at Book, he was staring back in shock, maybe he didn't expect me to be there, but maybe it was all his idea.

I was offered a drink and accepted a beer I noticed Book had Coke in his hands I didn't know if it was mixed with anything and I didn't ask, but I did smile at him when I picked the drink off the bar.

"Good to see you again Book, you look fantastic." I held my hand out, he shook it.

He shuffled his feet then played with his glass, then he slumped against a pillar he looked like he had a hunch back.

"Zack, I don't know what to say, I didn't know you were coming, you look so, awesome." He was going red in the face but not from alcohol it was embarrassment.

"Then say nothing Book, it's just so good to see you well again, that's all." I patted his shoulder then I moved away and left him to it. He stared at me for most of the night while I caught up with the guys.

I decided I was going to have some fun for myself tonight so I got into the mix and started dancing, one of the girls opened my studded shirt and was rubbing her hands all over me, the music was caressing my body and so were Books eyes as he watched with a confused face. He didn't dance the whole night he was just talking to anybody that went to the bar which was most of us. I got another drink, cola this time I wanted to be alert for Beetle.

"You look awesome Zacky." I blushed and gave him a quick sexy grin then I closed my shirt up.

"So do you Book, I don't think I've ever seen you looking so hot."

"You tease." He found his smile. I downed my drink in one go then said.

"Well I have to go, I'll see you all around, I'm in town for a few weeks, we can catch up again hey?" Book stepped forward and pulled me aside he managed to ask me if we could talk sometime. I told him there's really nothing to talk about and I was happy he had got the help he needed, but I did miss him and of course we can talk if he wanted to, anytime, all he has to do is ring me.

"But Zack I need to talk to you in private, can I at least see you home? "

"Nah Book, I'm good to drive I have to get home and kiss my son goodnight."

"You have a son?"

"Yes Book I have a son, three months old." He was again in shock; did I detect a tear in his eye.

I left him standing in the middle of the room with his mouth agape, I had to drag my eyes off him and get home otherwise I would make a fool of myself by making him hold me in his huge arms. The tears and hurt started the second the front door closed behind me and they stayed until I had to pull over to gather my wits.

I arrived home my face was flushed and my mum saw it.

"Son go splash your face, he's been unsettled for awhile I think he's missing you. We can't settle him and I think he heard your car by the look on his face."

"Okay mum I wont be a minute." I rinsed my face then went upstairs, my door was open and Beetles crib was in my room where I had left it. I gently looked into it to be greeted with two half open eyes that lit up.

"Now why aren't you asleep?" I said quietly.

My answer was a great big half smile

"If I tell you a story will you go to sleep for me?"

A half yawn this time. He knows I'm here with him.

He was asleep by the time I finished the first paragraph, not that he would understand it he's too young. I tucked him in and kissed him good night then went to talk to mum.

"He's asleep."

"He's doing well Zack, no swelling and he's ended up with a great smile."

"He has mum, the operation was a success, now all we have to do is shower him with love."

"I know you have excess love to give son, did you catch up with that hard headed Booker Burns?"

"Yes he looks well, he didn't say much I think it was a surprise he wasn't expecting me to be there."

"Did you tell him about Beetle?"

"He knows I have a son, mum that wont change him I want him to come back into my life because of me, not my baby."

When I went to bed I did a very nasty thing, I thought about Book again while his new image was fresh, he was gorgeous and I came all over my t shirt I'll rinse that out in the shower.

Two weeks passed before I had the opportunity to see Book again. Beetles stitches had been taken out with very little discomfort, he was checked out head to toe by my local GP and deemed a very healthy young man. His hearing is next and we have an appointment with the eye and ear hospital in eight weeks. I already know its okay because he listens for me before he goes to sleep, and noises within earshot make his head turn.

As the days went by I had driven out to farms to catch up with the guys, taken Beetle for long walks and fended off questions about his mother. The one person I really wanted to see was Book. But do I dare go there again.

I had walked up to the shops just to get some milk and odds and ends. On the way back a rattily old car pulled up behind me and someone got out.

"Can I carry your bags Zach?" I thought about it for a few seconds then handed the bags over to him, we started walking down the street towards my house. I afforded myself a slight smile.

"Where have you been Book, I haven't seen you for weeks." He was thinking about my question.

"I had stuff to do."

"So you're not avoiding me."

"No, well yes, probably."

"Why?" Again its like getting water out of a stone with him.

"When did you get married?" He sounded down, I think I know why now. I giggled to myself and stopped walking to look at him.

"You don't have to get married to have a baby Book, I adopted him."

"Uh?" He thought about it then eventually grinned.

"He was unloved and hurt, I had the perfect opportunity to raise my hand and children's services and two lawyers thought I would make a great father for him. Book I'm not his natural father but his father none the less."

"That's awful Zack, why wasn't he wanted and what hurt, I can't believe someone could hurt a baby." I looked him in the eye and answered.

"Some parents are like that Book, you of all people should know, hurt comes in many forms and I have the perfect opportunity to stop it before it gets worse for him, I will do that with love." He took a deep breath, then I let him down easy. My hand held his arm and he stared back at me.

"He wasn't abused Booker, but he wasn't wanted by his dead beat parents. He was born with a cleft pallet, I have had that rectified and now he is feeding better and has a killer smile. Why would you think I had got married, what part about me being gay didn't you understand?" He leant in and hugged me in the middle of the street.

"I'm sorry Zack, words can't even describe the feelings of regret I have at the moment. I was so scared you had turned straight on me." I laughed and lightly punched his arm.

"Its all over Booker, its last year's news, you don't need to beat yourself up over it anymore. I'm happy in my own skin and I'm also not lonely or hurt anymore. I have my son to love now, and I know he absolutely loves me." I held him back again and looked him up and down, then I gave him one of my sexy lopsided smiles.

"I'm sorry Zack I really am; I should have talked to you about it but I just couldn't."

"It's okay Book, you had let your body think the hurt you felt was pain, and when you entered the forces you mistook that mental hurt for more pain. The beer and pills made it worse for you. I understand all about hurt Book, I have lived with hurt for so long. But you know what Book I fixed myself, I fixed me with love, love for my friends and love for my awesome son."

Booker doesn't know it but he needs someone to love too, but he has to make that decision.

He was trying really hard to find more words so whatever happens to Book in the future I hope he finds his love and they have many children to spoil rotten.

"Can I meet him?"

"Of course you can, Book he's your baby too he's my and your family, because you're my best friend and your part of my family. Why don't you stop by for breakfast in the morning, I'm sure mum would like to see you too, she has been asking about you." His eyes flickered lighting up his face, his smile followed.

"Sure Zack, sure, I can come, I can't wait."

"Book, its for breakfast, this is not about all that gay business."

I instantly regretted saying it and wanted so much to take it back, but once said there is no going back.

"I'm sorry Book." I didn't submit, I held my head high.

"Zack I was troubled then and I am sorry I hurt you, really I am. I see things with different eyes now and yes its just for breakfast if I can still come over." I nodded and gave him another one of my sexy smiles. He was blushing again.

He gave me back my carry bag then took me into a gentle hug, he also kissed my neck and whispered.

"I miss you so much Zack."

I was going to answer him but I could feel my eyes swelling and I knew if I started talking I would fall into a big crying pulpy mess, my heart ached.

I patted his back and then gave him a good squeeze before turning up mum's driveway.

"See you in the morning then." He yelled. I raised my right arm and gave him a whatever wave not looking back, because my face was full of tears, my heart ached with a new different hurt. When I got to the back porch I let fly with a big sob.

This has got to stop. I'm playing games, Books playing games, I know deep down he loves me I have known all along he does, he just can't come to terms that he's gay too. I resolved I will do something tomorrow morning to either make or break him. I can't live like this, not now I have Beetles love to carry me forward.

"How was your date with Book?" Mum said when I went inside.

"What?"

"I was watching from the front window, you looked pretty chummy."

"It was nice I invited him for breakfast tomorrow morning, can you make one of your egg and bacon pies, he's always loved them?"

"Sure son, I haven't cooked that one for years not since you left me." I detected some gloom in my mum's voice.

"I didn't leave you mum I went to University then got a job."

"Well I missed you, we were mates once, now I feel like I'm just your old mum." I saw something in her eyes and stopped playing with Beetles hands and looked at her.

I hadn't thought in all this mess my mum was hurting too, we were the two musketeers once upon a time. I suddenly realised I just saw that mothers love again in her eyes. My god what have I done to her.

I pulled my mum in and started rocking her side to side, its the dance I used to do with her a lot, ever since I was small.

"Mum, I want to ask you something." I bent over and whispered in her ear.

"What son?"

"I need you to help me raise Beetle and I want to know if we can come live here with you."

I felt the shudder before I heard the sniffles.

"That would be just fine with me son, but what about Book?"

"If it happens with Book I will probably move out there to be with him, Beetle will love the farm life. But that's a big if, but if it happens we will need you there, all three of us, so be prepared to come and live with us all." Again the shudder.

"I'm sorry mum, I have never lost that love for you, I have always felt it but sometimes life just gets in the way a bit. But I will move back here wether Book asks me or not because I think you did a fine job with me, and Beetle will need your guiding hand too." She let me go and moved to the bathroom. I think she just wanted to freshen up.

It was not long after that I rang Hildy. I was moving back to town wether Book likes it it not. I have to be with mum and I kind of like this town. I filled in the rest of the day talking to aunty. I packed up some of my boyhood treasures and put them in the garage, they will adorn Beetles bedroom when he gets his own. I helped mum cook dinner then I made plans for tomorrow morning. I didn't have a pull that night I was saving it up for Book.

"Good morning Book, nice to see you again how's the farm?" In the morning mum was back to her happy self again, and Book was early.

"Good Mrs Tierney I've got it working just fine again." He looked at me then Beetle, he couldn't resist so he picked him up for a cuddle. He looked so tiny in Books big strong arms it suited him.

"What's his name?"

"Beetle." I smiled.

"I think there's a story behind that name, its so cute."

"Well his real name is Anthony, but I call him beetle because beetles are strong and tough. And he's been such a strong brave little man, he's healing now so no more sleepless nights, hey baby." I played with his fine hair, he reached out to me groaning and I took him, he was well aware of Book, but now he can see him properly from my arms he feels safer. I looked at Book and said softly.

"You and him have a lot in common Book."

I placed him in his pillow padded bouncer his hands slapped the rattles and he laughed.

"I told you he has a killer smile."

"He does Zack, he's so awesome." When he said that Beetle held his arm up and laughed. Of course my heart melted and by the look on Books face I knew his had melted inside too.

Mum placed a big plate of assorted breakfast fare on the table, plus her magic bacon and egg pie.

"Awesome I have missed these so much." Books eyes widened because whenever he had stayed with us he always requested one of mums pies.

"Well I hope your hungry Book, there's plenty more where this one came from." Indicating the oven was still on baking a second pie.

She took Beetles bottle out of the boiling water and tested it on her arm.

"We are going to watch cartoons kids; you have a nice catch up."

She picked him up and headed to the living room to feed him.

"That was subtle." I said.

"But its nice to have you alone again Zack."

"How is your back now?" I knew he had had it seen to and it was corrected successfully, most of the pain he felt was hurt, the hurt his father put there. There are a lot of things I know about him; I must tell him one day.

"Good, I have to take a pain killer every now and then, but mostly it doesn't give me any trouble, in fact apart from that I'm drug free now days, the clinic I was in really helped me understand Zack, and what they were doing to me."

"They fucked you up even more Book, I can't even imagine what you were going through then. I am so happy you are on top of it all at last." I smiled at him as he shovelled pie into his gorgeous mouth.

"Zack, when I got sober and started talking to the psyche I cleaned out a lot of things from my life. I feel so amazing now days, like I got a second chance, like I found another new better me."

"I'm pleased for you Book; it must have been so hard to do."

"I wouldn't have done it if it wasn't for you." his head hung low.

I leant over and lifted his chin. He smiled and looked me in the eyes.

"The last time I saw you I had left you bleeding and in pain, I so regret doing that."

"We had to do it that way Book I had to get you to start talking to someone, anyone, and the pain I went through was well worth it in the end. That night you said those words I knew you had made a major breakthrough, how you dealt with it was my biggest worry." I pulled his face in closer and kept looking into his eyes.

"And when I read your essays I knew I couldn't lean on you anymore, I read them to death and with a clear head, then I rang my councillor." He replied and tried to drop his head again, but I held it firm.

"That was another problem I had Book, why didn't you ever tell me about your father?"

"I did Zack the night before I left." He was searching my face.

"When it happened Book, when you were in so much pain. I was your best friend you should have told me." He looked horrified but to his credit he spoke to me face to face.

"Zack, I was hurting so badly inside, I hid it from you because I loved you then, and I thought if I told you he would somehow come back and hurt you too. I also thought, if you knew you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore and that would hurt me even more than the abuse." Tears started from both of us only long single drops here and there but tears none the less.

"Do you love me Book?" I still held his chin I was about to do or die at this moment.

"Yes with all my heart." He dropped his head, I gently pulled it back up again.

"Stop trying to bow your head Book, talk to me face to face no more hiding."

Unconsciously he took my hands and started rubbing his thumbs on them.

"I'm so so sorry, this fucking mess is all my fault." I didn't let him go I looked directly into his beautiful blue eyes.

"Don't be Book, its all over now. I am happy you're pain free, and your inner hurt is less, and nothing was your fault Book, in fact nothing you do upsets me now, so please believe me when I say, nothing is your fault Book nothing."

"It's not completely over Zack, I still have to make you feel well too."

"Beetle is doing that Book, every time he smiles at me."

"Can I sometimes smile at you too?"

"Yes that would be so awesome." I looked deeper into his eyes.

Well its now or never I took a deep breath then I pulled my hands back and placed them on Books cheeks, I leant in and gave him a gentle lingering kiss on those beautiful lips. When he eventually pulled away he had the biggest smile on his face and the dork in him was blushing again furiously, my Booker Burns was back. He looked like he had just won a major prize at the carnival, he managed to say.

"I love you Zack." He whispered it to me my hurt went into shock, my lips were on fire.

"I've always loved you, I just didn't want to say it out loud because that would make me gay, and that would make my father right. But I did do what you wrote about, every time I felt hurt I replaced it with love, I opened my heart and found you again. I found my Zachy who has always been there with me, for me."

"I'm over the moon for you Book, I really am."

"I have always known you loved me Zack, but my hurt was too strong." he said and went on.

"I figured after I read your essays you were the wrong person to talk to I was still letting my father's words control me, and I already knew my cure would be love Zack, your love."

"Want to carry my books forever do you?" My love for Booker Burns did the happy dance again.

"Yes, I would even carry you if you would let me."

"Lets just wait and see Book, our son Beetle needs someone to carry him too."

"Please move back to town Zack, I can't leave here or the farm there's too much to do." That took me by surprise.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you want me to move back here?"

"Because I don't get much time off away from the farm and I want to teach Beetle to ride a horse, but most of all I need you so fucking much in my life. I want to hold you every night, and see you every morning. I love you and I miss you so fucking much."

"Good argument Book, I can get a transfer to this district and I'm sure Beetle wouldn't mind the lifestyle, there's some pretty awesome people I know that live here, but there is something else."

"What Zack, anything."

"If we move in with you, mum has to come too."

He looked at the pie smiled and answered.

"That would be ace Zacky, she can help with Beetle too she's an awesome mum. Yes, I want you all to move in, hell yeah I have wanted that for such a long time."

He blushed and smiled at me again.

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