Booker Burns

Booker Burns 5

With my head hanging down I ran so hard and fast my heart was racing. I had to calm down a bit so I slowed my pace to a trot. Turning into a local park I flopped down on the bench, elbows on knees hands cradling my face. I wont cry this time I will go over everything again and reset my mind to focus on something else other than Book.

"Do you need any help young man?" I rubbed my face and looked up at the kindly lady who was walking her very friendly dog.

"I'm okay thank you for asking, just over did it a bit that's all." I managed a smile and scratched the small dog behind its ears. She smiled and said.

"Well you take it easy young man, nothing is worth a heart attack, and you look mighty fine to me as you are." She chuckled, that put a smile on my face.

"Come Beetle." The dog did what he was told and fell into step. I thought for a minute and got up and followed her.

"Why Beetle?"

She giggled.

"He was the runt of the litter and was moments from being put to sleep. I took him and gave him loads of attention and love, he is the strongest puppy I have ever owned. The beetle is one of the strongest insect on the planet, and this one's little heart beats strong and he survived through pure determination. He's a happy puppy now, confident and strong, like a Beetle."

I smiled because I knew what she was talking about I see strong beetles every day, although their lives are in the gutter they still have their pride and can cope with almost anything.

I said my goodbyes scratched Beetles ears again and for that I got a paw shake. She lifted my mood and I went back to my jogging. I thought about Book and how confident and strong he used to be, without his pills and beer he was awesome, but not anymore, he needs these things to stop his hurt.

I slipped my runners off before I entered the flat, the smell of stale beer hit me full on. Book was sitting at the table having another one. After saying my good afternoons, I then started opening the windows and the front door. He didn't acknowledge me so I poured a coffee and started resettling the sofa, there was no sign of Brian so I assumed he high tailed it before I got in.

I finished that task and my coffee sitting on the sofa.

"Do you want some breakfast?" I was being civil.

I got a deep.

"No."

"Tell me how was he, he did have a nice ass from what I saw."

He groaned into his beer, the look I got was a hateful one.

"Nice and tight just like virgin pussy." He snarled back, I shook my head and went to shower and I knew he had made that up just to hurt me again.

Halfway through it I heard the door open. Book walked in naked he had a massive hard on and quickly moved in behind me. Before I could protest he had found my bud and at full force he tried to thrust his nine incher into me. I screamed in pain as he tried to open my entrance. My sphincter went into shock; it was only a split second but whatever he did to me it hurt. He was high and drunk. I shoved him away, he staggered to the door and I heard him open another can of beer. I knew then, deep down this wasn't my Booker this was some crazy monster. I stayed in the bathroom and I cried so much I couldn't get off the floor where I had landed. My ass throbbed and in a better time I might have welcomed that feeling. After dressing I put the washer on then went out to face him.

"That will never happen again Book, if you're not willing to talk to me then you can get out of here and go home." He had tears in his eyes and kept saying he was sorry.

I threw his bag on the sofa and said.

"I'll be back in an hour, you can either talk to me, or be gone by the time I get back."

I went into work and started looking at my emails, one was from my old teacher, he had sent me some files he had found in the archives with Books name on them. He said he was hesitant doing it but finally agreed with my take on Book and sent them.

He couldn't get him to open up either.

Opening the first one I stared at Books name on the heading then with some new found courage I started reading them. I read about his lack of opening up, his drug use and his back that had been fractured years ago, it hadn't been picked up and he had suffered pain since he was twelve years old. His lack of information didn't make for anything solid in the notes. But there was one thing that popped up in most of the summaries. 'Still wont talk about his fathers abuse.'

There was no mention of it anywhere except a few footnotes I found. 'The patient is very reluctant to talk about his father.'

From what I remember Bookers father died when he was about thirteen, it was about that time he started coming out of his shell more, and was more involved with study and sports. He was more and more confident and that's when I fell in love with him. Before that he was someone that needed me, someone that leaned on me a lot, someone that shielded me too. I always thought he was just shy and a bit withdrawn but after his father died he changed, for the better, so I thought. And I also remembered one of Bookers old texts to me 'you know what my father did to me.' I didn't know because he had never told me.

This wasn't about his army training, his treatment or his back this was about his father. I looked blankly at the files then closed them off. I shot my friend a thank you email promising the files would be deleted and they had helped me enormously then I shut the computer down.

I headed for the soup kitchen because I needed a distraction. I went into the kitchen and said my hellos to the cooks then propped myself behind the counter to help serve the days evening meals. I watched the long line of mothers and children with their trays and I watched the blank stares of obviously shell shocked veterans. My heart pumped hurt and my ass still throbbed.

There seemed to be more and more homeless people turning up every day but the ones that broke my heart were the children, black eyed children lacking any hope of getting out of their situations. At that very moment I hated my job but I hate my inability to help them all even more.

When I arrived home the first thing I did was look Book in the eye

"What did your father do to you.?" That comment got him standing up. He looked confused.

"Tell me Book what did he do to you?" That comment got me a hard shove and I took the kitchen chair with me as I fell over.

I immediately dragged myself up from the floor, he's not going to get on top of me.

"What did he do, tell me now?" I screamed at him. He made a fist and did something I thought Book would never do, he hit me. I was stunned but I had to get this finished even if he kills me, I will get this done.

I held onto the table and dragged myself up off the floor again. I swayed and stared at him coldly, then I passed him my essays that were on the sideboard. I wanted him to read them before he asked for any help.

"Read these Book, then you can tell me what he did to you."

He toyed with the pages, and was still angry but I saw something in his eyes, a glimmer of hope then he whispered.

"He raped me, I killed him." The revelation wasn't what I expected, but it explained a hell of a lot.

"Thank you." I walked into the bathroom locking the door behind me and started cleaning up. Its been said now and I hoped to Christ he tells me everything that happened. A very huge step for Booker, but heartbreak for me, that poor innocent little boy, my best friend.

I can take beatings I can certainly take insults and anger and I will continue taking it until he fully opens up to me. I replaced my hurt with a glint of hope.

When I returned to the lounge room he wasn't there, he had disappeared along with my essays. I pulled myself together and got my keys. I only had to drive up two corners when I saw him staggering into someone's white picket fence, he was throwing his guts up. I parked then alighted the car and waited until he had finished.

"Is it all out now?" He spun around and said.

"Zack?"

"Yes me, get in the car you can't walk around the streets like this, the cops will pick you up."

"Maybe I should just walk under a bus that would stop the pain."

"Maybe you could, but I'm no good at fixing damaged bodies just broken little boys Book, and you're not in pain, you hurt there is a big difference." He again stared at me then the tears came. I had hit that sensitive spot in his mind and as I steered him into his seat he kept saying again he was sorry.

When we got home he sat on the couch I made coffee, it was getting late and I was dog tired, but he wasn't going to listen to anything I would say, not in his present state. My only hope for any peace tonight was he will exhaust himself and go to sleep.

We finished up and I got him in the shower he pushed me out but when he came to bed he was naked. I listened to his breathing then I heard.

"I love you Zack, I have always loved you." He shook crying.

"I love you too Book, and I have never stopped loving you, and I always will love you." He pulled me closer.

"He saw us when we were measuring our dicks, then he watched us masturbate. He told me I was a fucking fag then he raped me, he said if I told anyone he was going to rape you too, I can never let that happen." He shook so hard I turned and held him forever.

Tears and exhaustion sent us both to sleep. Books arms were now back hard around me I felt safe and warm, but inside, the hurt got stronger, but it was Books hurt this time. He was talking about his father's threats in the present not the past. His fathers ghost is still controlling him, and Book is still protecting me.

In the morning he was definitely gone. I stood by the door and looked out at my small garden then I cried. I cried so hard I went back to bed and stayed there for three days. He had come here for a purpose, maybe he thought I could fix his pain, but it wasn't the pain he was feeling it was the hurt, he has carried it around since he was so young. I hoped to god he will read my essays and I hoped he understands the difference. But mostly I prayed he would come back and hold me again. It was more hurt I felt again and it was bad. I tried to reason with myself for those days but failed miserably. I know I have done this before over Book, but this time it really hurts and as much as I tried to focus on my life I slipped back into his and hurt had a firm grip on me.

Another knock on the door and I ran to open it hoping it was Booker, but it was Hildy.

"You're looking a little better today, are you coming to work tomorrow?"

"What?"

"Just joking with you boyfriend, you look like shit go have a shower at least."

I didn't feel like getting clean I wanted to feel the filth on me a little longer. I put the kettle on and flopped on the sofa. She stared at me with her hands on her hips and said.

"I suppose you want me to make the bloody coffees too."

"I don't have milk."

"Good as the saying goes, today I like my coffee like my men, strong and black." She got a giggle out of me at least.

"He's gone hasn't he?" She softened her voice.

I looked at her and burst out crying again. She didn't hug me like Aunt Jen, she made the coffee and placed it on the table.

"Sit here big fella, lets have a chat."

I talked to Hildy until I thought she would burst with too much information

"He did that to you because he has wanted to do it forever, what held him back was his rape he couldn't hurt you so he stopped."

I told her about the shower fiasco.

"And that's why he couldn't talk to you Zack, he's still protecting you from his father's ghost."

"And that's why he never told me when it happened." I replied sadly.

"You couldn't do anything except tell your mum, he would have stuck up for his dad the pain of seeing you harmed was too great. I believe he loves you Zack very very much, but his hurt and sheer terror is holding him back. He's still protecting you baby you can see that can't you?" I could, it was as plain as daylight to me, once I figured it out the memories of our friendship flooded back, he never let me out of his sight when I was visiting him at the farm. At school he protected me from being singled out by being my best friend.

Again my head fell in submission and my shoulders shook, my body and brain accepted that Book, couldn't hurt me. He tormented me, chastised me, but that was his way of protecting me. I had shown her the names of his pills, they were mind altering drugs, no Psych had prescribed these maybe he got them illegally. She said he was taking them for his hurt, but she and I both knew they don't dull hurt only pain. We talked into the night and each time my phone heralded a message I jumped on it thinking it was Book. But it wasn't, he didn't get in touch with me again, not for a long long time.

Hildy again slept on my sofa after she coaxed me to have a shave and shower. I noticed she had changed my bed and started the washer, she's trying to get me back to as normal as possible. I was so grateful to her in the morning I even went to buy her some milk at the corner shop.

"Take today for yourself baby, then I'll see you in the morning."

"Thank you Hildy, you're exactly what I needed." After she left I sat at the table my inner self was helping my body to lighten up and push itself back into the appropriate places. I blanked Books problems out and again thought about how I can help myself. Once I pushed all the hurt down I felt emptiness, and started making plans to fix me. I remembered the washing was still in the machine so my first job was to hang it out to dry. Like Book my life has to go on, maybe I had better start looking elsewhere but for some reason I couldn't imagine me with anyone else. In my world he's tried everything to push me away, he's the one that isn't the good friend he's the one that's hurt me more than anyone else has so his fears are now coming to fruition because I have to lose him for my own sanity, Dex was right.

"Your looking much better today, did your talk with Hildy help?" Aunty said as I pegged my sheets out on the line.

"Yes aunty, just another set back for Zacky he will bounce back he always does." I managed a smile.

"Well you do nephew but I was scared you wouldn't this time."

"So you called Hildy in"

"I did, but she said to leave you for a few days while you worked everything out in your head." She rubbed my back.

"I could love that woman."

"You already do Zack."

"What are you up to today?"

"Kitchen today that's if you're okay to be left alone."

"I might come."

"Do you think that's wise?"

"Yes it grounds me, centres my psyche if you know what I mean."

"I sure do honey I will see you there."

She hugged me again then left.

It was another couple of months before I heard anything about Book. My mum had rung and said she had run into Booker at the local shops. I asked if she had spoken to him, she said she had. He had asked about me and she was to tell me he said, he was doing all right, he was back home. I was happy to hear that but he made no mention on how I was feeling, I guess I don't count, and I still felt that hurt trying to raise its ugly head.

Working where I did has taken some of my hurt away but it was lurking in its dark hole just waiting to pounce again. Every hobo every drunk that came into the soup kitchen was a potential Booker Burns. I would often see something in them I saw in him and it saddened me to think that one day he might walk through that door and ask for food.

"Hey Hildy, have you seen Mikey and his mum around, they haven't been in for ages?"

"His mums really sick Zack."

"Oh." Again I submitted.

"Leave that one to cook baby, she will pass in a few days Michaels sitting with her and being very brave. Cook is making sure she has everything she wants and Mike has started living at his and Stan's place, they make him laugh a lot and love him to bits."

"Whose Stan Hildy?"

"Cooks partner of ten years' baby, you really didn't think he would marry you did you? Stan's a personal trainer, those muscles my god, they make you look like a stick insect." She belly laughed, that got me going and Mikey's loss dulled a little, but only a bit.

The message I received after that call from mum a few weeks later took me ages to read, every time I started it I started to cry. Because this letter was from his army psych who apparently Booker had been seeing constantly in the hope he could straighten everything out in his head. It was highly classified but the cover note said Booker had insisted he send his file to me. I read slowly because I needed to understand what was going on in his head. When I got to the part where his father had sexually abused him I nearly vomited. It wasn't only just sexual it was physical and mental abuse from his father and grandmother. He had caught him playing with matches in the barn one day, and nearly kicked him to death, that was when his back was damaged, then he tried to rape him again. He fought for his life he thought he had knocked his father out and lit the fire that killed him, but a thorough investigation had found his father fell from the loft, his cigarette had ignited the fire. Wether Book had pushed him it didn't say.

Book spent time in hospital the authorities decided he had received his injuries trying to save his father, they didn't pick up on his injured back, or the rape. He never told them the truth and had blamed himself, he was terrified that someone would find out he had been raped. He had blamed himself for both the rape and the death of his dad. He had taken it all in his own little shoulders, he blamed himself and he had also blocked out a lot of it by the time he entered the forces. The sheer physical and mental strain he endured in there bought it all back, he thought he was being abused again.

I read the Psyches notes and as each page was written they become much more positive until he cut back Books visits to just one a month. He also said in the cover note, that he was going home to work the farm, he had moved is nan to the nursing home in town. Although he had some dreadful memories of that horrible place, he wanted to make some happy ones for himself and his future. I put the email aside and wiped my eyes then sat for hours thinking everything through. It was dark when I heard my phone ring, I turned my desk lamp on and my phone off. I started writing about hopelessness, my images flowed as the thousands of words filled the pages. Children living in hopeless situations, being abused every day and thinking there's no way out. I suddenly stopped, there was something urgent I had to do, I had to call Book. Switching off the computer I yawned and stretched my back.

I finally turned my phone on then the messages started coming through.

Mostly they were updates on visits, that's until I came across one that simply said.

"I have found your true love if you want him." It was from Hildy. I looked at the cryptic message for ages then I pushed ring.

"What's up Hildy, and what's with the message?"

"Oh sorry Zack but I had to get your attention, can you please drive over to St Catherine's hospital in the morning to meet me. I have an offer for you I don't think you will refuse."

"Hildy we have been through this before I'm gay you're straight and female and an aborigine to boot, so I wont be marrying you." I was laughing.

"Then you're a fool Zack, I'm a good woman."

"I know baby, just joking."

She didn't say anything else but her words had started up my love again, so I decided a good night sleep will be better than sitting on the phone all night. If Book wants to talk he has my number, I once again said to myself not believing it.

"What are we doing here Hildy, did you have a baby without me?"

"No idiot, I want you to meet someone." She had taken me to the nursery part of the maternity ward. She talked with a nurse and we were made to put masks and coats on then were lead into where the cribs were. She pointed to the blue one.

I looked over the side and saw the most beautiful baby in the world. He was asleep and his tiny hands were in his mouth. A tear appeared, how could I not fall in love with this little guy, I looked at Hildy.

"He's two weeks old, feeding him isn't going to be much of a problem, there are special teats now days, maybe you can get a nanny in to help until we get everything else sorted out." What the fuck is she talking about.

"We have to get the ball rolling for the adoption, he needs to be operated on as soon as possible." I almost laughed.

"I think his mum can do that Hildy, where is she?"

"His mum and dad wont do that, they don't want him." My hand went to my throat; they didn't want this beautiful tiny boy. I bent over the crib and gently kissed him.

I thought I saw a slight smile but I wasn't sure.

"Why?"

"You know why." She looked angry. I realised why and then my anger matched hers.

"He's so beautiful, do you think I will have a chance?"

"Recommendations are worth their weight in gold baby, I will issue one and so will Roger the foundations lawyer." Roger was aunt Jenny's ex husband he was a very powerful queen's council.

"I guess I had better get one too."

"Already provided by Roger he will call you later at home, do you want him wrapped or posted?"

"Who?"

"Anthony."

"Whose Anthony?"

"Your new son." She pointed to the cradle.

"His mum called him Anthony, but we can change that if you want." I thought about it for a minute and said.

"Well I will call him Beetle."

"That's so cute, why Beetle?"

"Because he's a fighter, strong like a Beetle."

"And those beetles are mighty strong Zack, they have a tough shell, a little like yours I think."

Our long talks about Booker had kept me on the right track, she really was my sole mate but unfortunately....

By the time I got in with Hildy helping me with all the requirements a baby needed, aunt Jenny was banging on the door.

"Where is he?" She was like a kid in a candy store. Hildy was stifling a laugh.

"Who?" I said.

"Beetle you bloody idiot."

"Oh and how do you know about this so called Beetle?"

"Roger rang me fool of a boy, now where is he?"

"On the bed." I grinned.

She gently opened the door and immediately started crying, I don't know what for, all she could see was a small lump.

"Zack, his mouth?"

"Nothing that can't be fixed with plastic surgery, I already know he's going to have a fabulous smile." I didn't even want to know if he will have hearing defects which is common with cleft pallet kids. I will take it one step at a time, firstly we will get his smiley face back.

"He's gorgeous Zack, he's so small and so beautiful."

I thought she was going to have a stroke; she was shaking so much.

"Have you told your mum yet?"

"Not yet Aunty I haven't even had time to read through his feeding schedule and I have to get a nanny in as soon as possible."

"Yeah right like that's going to happen with me here."

"But you have done so much for me I can't ask you to give up your free days."

"Let me or move out, either one, the choice is yours." She stood her ground I laughed and hugged her.

"Right what do we do next?"

"Make up some night bottles I guess." Hildy took charge.

Of course as soon as she said bottles we heard the first of many baby squawks coming from the bedroom.

"Okay you are on baby cuddles aunty, I'll make the bottles up, Hildy unpack his suitcase, we got a baby to look after." Both of them didn't need asking twice.

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