Booker Burns

Booker Burns 3

My hand went to my face it was all wet with tears and I had no recollection of it happening. I unfolded the hanky and wiped my eyes and face.

"You realised what was happening with Mikey and his mum didn't you, you saw something in his eyes didn't you?"

"Yes I saw, I saw something I wasn't prepared for."

"What was that Zack?"

"Love in its purest form, like a new born baby's smile." All went quiet and he slapped his hands together, he was applauding me.

"Well done, I knew you saw something, but I didn't know it was that profound."

I let him give me a big hug, and I felt so stupid for letting the team down.

"I'm sorry." He took a deep breath and replied.

"Mikey's thirteen, he looks after his mum really good Zack, he's been doing it since his grandma died when he was seven." I gasped.

"Don't let it get to you, and don't take it home either. He's a happy kid and he gets loads of help, he has always known his mum has to rely on someone, he wasn't forced to do that job you know. He does it because....?" He opened his hands for my answer.

"He loves her."

"Correct, he's always loved his mum, he's washed her, done her hair her makeup feeds her. He makes sure she's treated properly and taking her meds. They come here for lunch every day and I make sure fresh food is cooked and delivered to their place every night for dinner. He has a private tutor and is a very clever little guy."

I looked at cook with different eyes, I think I am falling in love with him at last.

"What will happen to him?" A blind man could see she wasn't going to make it beyond Christmas.

"He will become my son and he will never ever be treated badly or need for anything ever again, it was because of him and others like him I dried out. I wanted to make a difference I sobered up went back home, sold up everything and opened a restaurant, after eight years I now have twelve of them. You see Zack, I also saw that love in people's eyes years ago, and it has changed me, forever." I gave him a really big squeeze and said in his ear.

"Marry me."

"What, and upset Hildys plans for you, no way, let me go you minx." He slapped my back and we both returned to work laughing.

Michael and his mum had gone and cook returned to cutting more meat up. Aunt Jen patted my bum and I felt a little better, but sad. Who will look after Book when he crashes, I have always known he wouldn't hack the armed forces, its just not in his dna, but I have kept that to myself.

There was an open day at Puckapunyal army barracks where Book had been transferred, he was being trained in the infantry, that's guns and things. I so needed to see him in person so I figured from here it was only a three-hour drive there and the same back, it would be worth it so I immediately booked a motel room in Seymour the nearest town. I will drive up on the Saturday morning and back on the Sunday. I sent him a text, there was no answer so I assumed it would be okay with him.

My week went slow but finally I was driving down a different freeway towards Book. I made good time it wasn't what I expected less than two hours on this new freeway. I checked in then rang Books phone. There was no answer so I rang the base to find out what visiting hours were available, they were very helpful and asked who I was there to see, after a few moments I didn't get the answer I was expecting. Book had leave to go home to his family they couldn't make the trip so he asked for a special dispensation which was granted. I felt hurt, it hung onto my old aching hurt and they both had a good reunion with my emotions. I tried to work through it but they won in the end when I took a towel from the bathroom and cried my eyes out giving into the hurt that laughed in my face, and I screamed. I screamed so hard inside my whole body ached.

I was hurting all over when I finished sobbing into the now wet towel, I laid there flat as a tack and was getting really pissed off with Book, he knew I was coming he wasn't going home to see his family, what family his cranky old gran, no, he was avoiding me.

My weekend was a disaster from start to finish when I arrived home there was an apology email from him, I wrote back and told him to get well and truly fucked, then I typed liar liar liar many times. Its a wonder the keys didn't fly off the keyboard as I typed it so hard, then I bashed it with my hands and threw it on the floor. I felt like killing him for making me feel this way and deep inside the hurt grew to an unbelievable crescendo and I was about to shove my fist through the blinking screen, when I stopped suddenly. I stood still and swayed. I pushed hurt down with every day thoughts, did I lock the car have I got any more emails, did I put the kettle on and most importantly, don't take it home with you. Every day stuff then I picked the poor item up and pushed enter to send my very blunt and short reply. Go and get stuffed Booker Burns and take all your fucking hurt with you.

I slept on the sofa clutching my pillow, at least it doesn't make me hurt. I had decided I was wrong about pain, it is in cahoots with hurt too because the pain was unbelievably strong and I felt it in every part of my body, I eventually succumbed to them both again.

I was so groggy when I woke up I just laid there thinking about what I had to do today. I had a class and I had to go to the church. I thought about what I had done and I reset myself once again then I showered. I felt like I was always in the wrong and it was up to me to fix me, not hope some magic words will make it all go away, I am taking it all on board and it has to stop. I hadn't done anything wrong I just wanted to catch up with Book.

Sitting in class was the last thing I wanted to do today, the professor was talking about healing the soul, the supposed very core of our being, a friend of our spirits. I thought he had said my name but maybe I heard wrong. I heard a pen drop on the floor and looked up, everyone was looking at me and I didn't know why.

"Well Mr Zack, do you have an opinion on the Soul?" He had been talking to me, and I wasn't in the mood, or maybe I was.

"No Professor Watson I don't."

"Are you sure?"

I thought about it for a few minutes then stood up.

"I think the soul is the most ignored entity in our psyche. It sits there and watches hurt, pain, want, change and love fight for the top position. The Soul laughs its head off because it knows none of those things matter in the end and when everything breaks down around them people try to sooth their sou6ls, they are so very wrong to do that." I picked my phone and books up and headed for the door.

He was scratching his head so I walked past and said.

"What bit did I leave out, come on tell me." I looked at my stunned classmates and said.

"Well anyone, any ideas what makes all that hurt go away all that pain all that shitty love, what shuts your useless fucking soul up?" My phone had started ringing, it annoyed me more.

"Come on brains, a baby can see it right from birth." I stared at them my phone was getting louder.

"Pure unadulterated love, pure love fix's everything, we all had it at birth we all have felt it. I have witnessed it face to face, but we don't see it or feel it because we are too busy to look for it as we grow and get older. We are always on our bloody phones and computers to notice that baby's smile that kids plea for help and that person sitting beside you that absolutely adores you. It doesn't matter if they are one legged one eyed, ugly or fat. If you look deeper into their eyes you will see pure love, and thats what can fix your hurt, pure love. If you would just get off your bloody asses for five minutes that can all could be fixed with one smile one good word and one simple gesture." I lifted my arm and threw my ringing phone at a seventies style red brick wall where it shattered into millions of pieces.

"Now I see pure love, now I see it, now I see. " I shouted then my head dropped in total submission and I walked out as the tears ran down my face.

I went back to my car and sat crying my eyes out. I didn't want to go to the kitchen so I started the car and drove home, I wanted to be on my own. There were seven emails, five were from Booker, so I answered each one with another get fucked I didn't even read them they looked like one liners anyway. The one from class was next and I was just in the mood for his next essay.

Tell me about love.

Right you got it baby, and I hope your ready for a long drawn out rant.

I started with a baby's love for its mother, the first woman he falls in love with. She loves him unconditionally and it is returned by the smile on his face when he hears her voice. That love doesn't leave it gets lost maybe, but its never forgotten even right up until his mother dies, then he feels hurt and loss for her. On the other hand, she never loses that love and she takes her pure love through all her life to her grave, that's a mother's love. I wrote about Michaels pure loving smile he hasn't lost that love for his mum as he does what an adult should be doing looking after her. When I looked at her she was vacant, but when her hand touched her sons that's when I saw his eyes light up, I also saw her eyes change. It was subtle but I saw it. I couldn't tell cook I was too profoundly moved with that slight gesture, but I can write about it.

My word count shot up to five thousand and as I read it through I did delete some, I had got on my high horse and dictated to everyone what they should do about it. I thought that was going too far so I deleted nearly twenty-five hundred words. He will see why, if he reads it. I pushed send and closed my computer down. No phone no computer just a blank TV screen begging me to turn it on, I took some deep breaths and tried to calm down.

"Knock knock." Aunty was at my door.

"Sorry kiddo I knocked a few times earlier you didn't hear me I suppose."

"No sorry Aunt, I was too absorbed in my essay, I'm sorry." Again my head bowed in submission, I was sick of it, so I lifted it up again. I have to change; I have to stop submitting because I have done nothing wrong.

"Well cook sent some restaurant food around for us, do you want to eat alone or can I keep you company?"

"I would love the ...." I didn't finish I fell into her and started sobbing. She manoeuvred me to the couch and sat on her haunches to hold me, I felt like such a goose when I calmed down. I looked at all five foot two of her holding a six foot me in her short arms and burst out laughing.

"Good, now dry your eyes and we can light the candles and eat."

"What candles?"

"The ones cook sent over, he said they were ones that calmed the soul." I laughed again and I saw another box on the table as she dished up our dinner.

"What's in that?"

"Your new phone, you can collect your sim card from the professor's office tomorrow morning. I believe the rest of the phone had a lovely funeral." She smiled.

She lit three little tea candles and turned the lights out, I calmed down inside as I ate my delicious meal. In essence this was the worst and best day of my life. Aunty kept the jokes coming and I ignored my hurt. I sent it away to argue with my soul, let them fucking work it out.

When she left I thought about writing Booker a sorry note, but in the end he can get well and truly stuffed.

I laid in bed and made plans for my future, I wouldn't go looking for love I will wait until it finds me and I really didn't care if it never did anymore.

I turned over and spread my legs my pillow was happy as my ass cheeks flexed in the moonlight, I had a slow long fuck on my own and it was perfect, it didn't hurt me, it caressed me.

I was much better in the morning I showered and dressed then I changed pillows casing to a nice bright one, the used one I threw in the wash basket. I went to the cafeteria for breakfast, and had a big plate of eggs and bacon, stuff the soul I am in charge today. I was so full I didn't think I could walk to class and I was dreading the humble pie I would have to eat when I got there. But I managed and knocked on the professor's door as I passed, he was in.

"Good morning Zack, how you feeling today?" He passed my sim card over to me, I thanked him and also said.

"I apologise for yesterday, I wasn't in the mood and I am sorry it is so unlike me to rave on like that." I didn't drop my head this time, I felt defiant.

"We all had a long talk about it when you left, apologies aren't necessary, actions are. I will walk to class with you today."

He stood and patted my back then walked me to class.

I was shocked when my classmates saw me they started clapping and cheering, some were falling over themselves to hug me and to pat my back. I'm sure I looked like one of cook's beetroot puddings as I slumped into my seat hoping it will all go away.

"Okay, settle down you lot, we have work to do and today I want to talk about love. Zack I will ignore you, but may I say your out takes were more powerful than your essay submission. I have restored it to its original format." He grinned, I think he's having some fun at my expense.

"Oh and if you lot want to read it I will make it available to you. Let me just say its the most concise most powerful essay I have ever read in all my teaching career; you lot can learn from it. Now tell me about love."

I cringed lower in my seat, at least today I didn't have to speak. I wondered if pillow missed me as I looked at the total spunk two rows in front.

Over the next three months I worked as much as I could at the soup kitchen, aunty and Hildy were not always there they both have lives and Hildy has a job to do. This kitchen as I said was run by volunteers. A young lady came in one slow day and asked for me, she was the girl I had handed my assignment to a few months ago. She had been crying but when she saw me she hugged me then thanked me.

"I finally get it thank you."

"As long as your safe that's all that matters."

"Hildy has organized everything and we leave on tonight's train I will be forever be indebted to you. I get it, I get what change is, and I am doing my level headed best to change." I took her hands and kissed them

"Look after the young ones they will heal the hurt you are feeling. Their love is paramount to change; give them a go they will surprise you." I don't know wether she got my double meaning but its enough that she's even catching that train.

She gave me a slight smile and said.

"More words of wisdom I think." She got it.

"Maybe just some more to think about."

"What about you're hurt, I can see it in your eyes."

"I'm dealing with it the only way I know how and that's to prevent it from controlling my life." She kissed my cheek and went through the door.

Hopefully to a better life full of loving kids and a much brighter future.

I had received more texts from Book over the past months but they were unreadable, I never replied. I was happy with my inner self and had even taken up writing in my spare time. I did hear from mum every other day and she told me Books gran is very worried about him, something was happening and they were keeping him at Puckapunyal while the rest of his mates were dispatched to Queensland the last post before going overseas. I cared, but I didn't care if you know what I mean, that's Books problem.

Another three months went by and I eventually finished my course with top honours. More than one of my papers were published in the university journals, my professor couldn't wipe the smile off his face as I was handed my degree. Hildy cook aunt Jen and mum were there to watch and Trev and a gorgeous looking hunk called Will. We all went to cook's restaurant to celebrate; my now dull hurt came with me. It had been quiet of late, but mum's news woke it up and it had raised its ugly head in anticipation, but I managed to shut it down.

Will was a very pleasant builder type of hunk, he was telling me that Trev had another four years to go and they have decided he will move to the city and they will set up house together. I was so pleased for them both and offered my help if they ever needed it. I also wondered if they would help me out with my first threesome, well my first everything really.

Hildy was a force to be reckoned with, at first she told me I have a talent that would be wasted if I went into human resources she thought I should go on to do a full psychiatric diploma which takes years. I didn't have the time for that I wanted to be hands on as soon as possible. She had the contract in her hand bag.

"You start as my personal assistant then work your way out into the public sector, the moneys good and I wont ride your ass too much." I looked it over but had already decided to sign it because I couldn't imagine any better teacher to work under than Hildy.

"He has a past you know."

"Who?"

"Professor Watkins he has been hurt badly, he saw action in Afghanistan and today I saw what you did to him, his smile is back his hurt is less and he's learnt to love again, you did that kiddo, only you, full marks."

I blushed because I didn't know I had effected him that much, he never said anything.

"What happened to him?"

"Can't say this time lover, that's classified."

Aunty bought down some more drinks as we sat in the back garden after our big meal at lunchtime. Only a few came back and the sunshine was caressing my face. Its been a long time since I felt its love in its pure form.

When we were on our own Hildy made me open up about my hurt, I didn't resist because she has to know what type of person she just hired, well that was her excuse. Aunty had gone to bed she had a big day, and Hildy and I were just watching the moon.

"I don't know wether he misses me loves me or has moved on to another. I do know there's no room for any love in my heart because I have shut it away forever."

"I see, what about kids?"

"They are pure love, they change your hurt and open your heart again, an entirely different unfair ball game is played by them, from their very first smile."

"Would you like children Zack?"

"Yes, they ache inside me they play with my emotions and they want all my shut away love to be theirs, they are the reason I want to work in welfare."

"You will see a lot of awful things out there Zack, do you think you will cope with it?"

"Yes, if I save just one child in my lifetime, it will be well worth it." She smiled.

I didn't know how to tell her but I tried to explain it as much as I knew. I had wanted kids, plenty of them but I had wanted Book to be their father too.

"They are pure joy but they will also break your heart in a heart beat." She commented.

"I'm sorry baby, I wasn't thinking." I remembered her hurt.

"Its okay honey, one day they will come looking for the love I have put aside for them." She smiled. I hoped she was right and I hoped it would happen soon.

She didn't go home that night she crashed on my sofa bed, by the morning I was ready to face anything, but I wasn't sent into the field for a few months.

I started with office work, it was a big pile of bureaucratic nonsense that should have been streamlined years ago. I was to read through every home visit report every interview that the home visits generated. I worked through them maliciously because I didn't want to miss anything. The ones I was suspicious of were flagged for a follow up visit from our overworked team. The girls and guys were wonderful people but run off their feet, mainly the complaints we received were bogus, quite often grandparents would ring up and report their grandchildren were being abused. This was the result of them not seeing the kids for two months, because the parents are too busy working. Mostly they were sorted out with a child services visit to deem everything is okay. Its the paperwork it generates that gets to everyone its unnecessary, that's something a simple phone call would fix.

Another four months of this and that made nearly two years since I had seen him. I guess my get fucked emails had got through to him.

I let my brain think that for a long time but it was about to move to alert mode very shortly after I started home visits. I was teamed with Susan a by the book mid forties woman. Our first call was to check on a veteran who was house bound, he was in pain twenty-four seven and I thought of Book. His government apartment was awful, I felt the need to send in a team of cleaners to help him. Susan wrote down his concerns and I listened to his voice. He would get a terrified look in his eyes then his throat would constrict. His hurt was deep and he was trying to control it, by the looks of it he wasn't winning. I made a note to get him some professional help as soon as possible.

"My niece takes me to the doctors but they can't help they keep giving me different pills to take none of them work."

"That's because you're not in any pain Cameron, you have hurt, its different to pain, pills don't cure hurt my friend a good Phycologist will help you manage it though." Susan glared at me, Cameron gasped. I thought I had done something wrong so I didn't go on about it. We left him with a sandwich and a coffee sitting in front of the TV, I guess that's his entertainment every day.

"You shouldn't have said those things Zack, he might get offended." Susan said as we sat in the car.

"Why? Any fool can see he's struggling with his memories not his legs, he's hurt inside, he needs help."

"We aren't here to be doctors Zack, we were there to maybe organise some home help for him and meals on wheels."

"No, we were there to keep him sitting in front of the television and make sure he doesn't commit suicide on us." I was getting mad, this is what I've always wanted to do, help people breathe again. Susan's a nice sort of lady but she has no idea about peoples Psyche.

"Okay next address Zack I need to get home early its my turn to cook." She giggled.

The more I saw and heard the more I thought of Book, yes there were Mikey's everywhere hidden away looking after siblings and parents. One girl was doing the lot she even had her granddad to care for. I nearly went ballistic when I saw her father with his mates in the backyard drinking. I'm sure Sue cut our visit short so I wouldn't create a scene.

"You can't help them all." Hildy had a talk to me maybe Sue had complained.

"I can try Hildy, I can give it my best shot. Cameron just wants someone to tell his troubles too a shoulder that understands his hurt. I can do that I can try to fix him."

"You can't my boy, you can't get involved, the do-gooders will drag you down, they will block every one of your efforts to help the man. You don't get into their heads Zack anything could happen."

"Good then I wont, I'll harden up and end up like Susan, just going through the motions, ticking off yes and no questions on a clip board." My voice had risen a little.

"Don't get involved and don't take it home with you."

"I wont get involved." I reaffirmed my last answer. But I know someone that will.

On my way home I went to see my professor, I knew he had done a stint in Afghanistan and I knew he could probably help Cameron.

Every time I did a visit I would write a footnote on the bottom of my report. It was my way of getting rid of the frustration and shackles that bureaucrats placed on us. I didn't care if Hildy agreed or not. I wrote what I though would be a good solution to the problem. Needs to be in school, needs an adult to care for her, needs a carer, needs an electric wheelchair, and my favourite thing to write on the very bottom was 'HELP'

It nearly drove me crazy, I was running out of options.

"Zack!"

"Yes Hildy."

"Get in here." I have been ready for this confrontation for weeks.

"Yes Hildy, is there a problem?"

"What the hell is Professor Hopkins doing calling in to see Cameron?"

"How did you know?"

"Never mind how I found out, what's he doing there?"

"I introduced them they have a lot in common and have become good chums." She glared at me.

"He's there treating him isn't he?"

"I don't know I guess like all good chums they shoot the shit."

"Shoot the shit, shoot the shit, they were seen walking in the park yesterday."

"Oh who by, let me guess Susan bloody clipboard." She stood up I know she wanted to shake the shit out of me but when she took my arms she whispered.

"Well done my handsome white fella." She then kissed both my cheeks I was stunned into silence.

"Now how are your media skills?"

"What?" I managed.

"I have to be at the courthouse at three, you have to do a TV interview about child poverty in our communities. Its taped at three so I can't be in both places at the same time, so you're doing it."

"But I don't know anything about it Hildy, and I get stage fright."

"You know about hurt you know about love, then you know about child poverty the way it happens, put your own spin on it. Here is where you need to be, wear a nice jacket son." She smiled again. I stuttered as I took the paper and as I walked out I heard her say.

"Bloody white man becoming chums, unheard of." She laughed.