Booker Burns

Booker Burns 2

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My phone rang which bought me out of that book. I picked up.

"Are you okay?" It was aunty

"Yes of course just a bit overwhelmed by it all, that's all."

"Cook sent some pie home are you up for an early dinner?" My stomach remembered that wafting smell coming from his ovens and I was immediately hungry.

"See you in two seconds." I hung up and ran up to the house.

"She's good you know baby."

"Who aunty?"

"Hildy, she's one of the strongest people I know Zack, she's had a shitty life but she's also a survivor."

"Tell me."

"Are you sure?" I wasn't but I wanted to hear it.

"Yes." I hung my head.

"Her drunken husband and brothers beat her to a pulp every other night on the reserve, her two children were running wild and treated her terribly. One day she had enough, she wanted her life to change so badly. So she went to the elders, she begged them to be sent to Darwin away from her abusive family. They agreed, so she caught the next bus into town. Zack she was still in her twenties then, she had already endured a lifetime of abuse. She was sent to college, got her Human resources degree then they chased her for their Aboriginal division." She put the kettle on then sat again.

"With eight years of working in the outback under her belt she became this areas director for child services. She volunteers at the centre on her days off because she doesn't want to lose the basic foundations of why she loves what she is doing."

"Her kid's aunty, what happened?"

"It was too late for them, her daughter gave birth to her uncle's child at thirteen and her son sniffed petrol until it blew his head off, he died alone of a massive brain haemorrhage at fifteen."

I couldn't talk I couldn't even look at the food in front of me anymore, I pushed it forward because I felt if I had one more piece of that pie I would surely vomit.

"Don't take it on board Zack, Hildys in a better place now, even at an early stage she could see the hopelessness of her life. She recognized her people's complete inability to change; so she changed the way she lives and thinks.

But its an impossible situation for everyone concerned. Its also called putting it in the too hard box by government and bureaucrats."

"But we have to change too, we have to stop walking by people we have to stop and listen, I mean really listen it's not always the Governments fault." I told her.

"Baby, change does come from within, the Aborigines don't want change within them selves or in their culture. Hildy knows this, that's why she changed, she was her first success story, and believe me there has been plenty of people that have followed her. That drunk today will never change he will live out the rest of his life on the streets, he will die a lonely death and will think he lead a pretty good life. People lie to themselves all the time. Book is a classic example, I have seen the love in his eyes Zack and its always there when he looks at you. He lies to himself but he wont change, eyes never lie Zack, and that is your first basic lesson, watch the eyes don't look at the person's skin tone or features just the eyes."

"I don't know what to say I really have no words, this is so screwed up and I know, or I believe deep down Book loves me, but I cannot force a change in him he has to do that. Maybe its a bit out of his reach maybe he is really straight. He has never said either of those words to me, straight or gay."

"Take a deep breath and finish your dinner, cook will be disappointed you didn't, and he gave you an extra piece of pastry too." I get what she was trying to do and I smiled as I dug into that crispy pastry my appetite was back and I somehow hadn't allowed myself to fall into the abyss along with Hildy's children, but I will change I have to for my my own sanity.

"Good you're a very intelligent young man, are you sure you don't fancy cook just a little bit." I nearly choked laughing at her words. I really love this woman she reminds me so much of my mum.

"Have you had a dick in your ass yet?"

I nearly fell out of bed when the message came through.

"I'm saving that job for your eight incher, no if course I haven't." I was getting annoyed with his words and the way he was thinking.

"Its waiting for you."

"Good I'll be there in six hours keep it hot and keep it hard."

No answer, but I thought he might just be a little drunk.

I turned the light out and my thoughts went back to Hildy, in the end I put it into the too hard basket it's not up to me to try and fix it. Aunty said Hildy dealt with it so I have to believe her.

University the next day and another big paper to write tonight, I was sitting in the cafeteria eating something that looked like lasagne. I bet cook could do a better job. A nice looking guy sat opposite me, he was grinning from ear to ear.

"What's up mate?" I broke the ice.

"I'm Trevor are you Zack?"

"Yes, pleased to meet you." I shook his hand

"Troy was telling me he dated you once."

"Yes just the once, so what's up?" I blushed.

"I was thinking maybe you want to do something after classes."

"Like go see your room maybe?"

"Yeah why not." He shuffled in his chair when I gave him one of my killer smiles.

"What's your room number, I'll meet you there."

"Block two room twenty-eight."

"I'll look forward to it." I lifted an eye sexy like and laughed to myself. He left looking a little eager to show me his room.

I guess he is still waiting, but I don't have time for that stuff, I have a paper to write.

I made a sandwich I didn't need it but the lunch I had earlier had left a sour taste in my mouth. I opened my laptop and connected to the Uni site then the classroom. I can write directly to the professor's inbox.

I stared at the title just to work out which way I should go with it.

Describe something people can do to make their lives meaningful. In one thousand words.

I started several times and when I couldn't get a foothold on the subject. I rubbed my eyes and shook my head, I thought about yesterdays pies and how much I wanted one at this very minute, yes cook I will marry you if you bring a pie over, but leave your whips at home.

My memory snapped and I started writing, I wrote under the title Change.

Change, and how the individual person can change their whole way of thinking with just a few words, not a tirade of sentences or a whole book. But something had to snap in their minds to make them want or make change. It didn't matter how many psychiatrists worked on the one brain, it wont listen until the magic word was said by the patient. Change is one powerful word and it doesn't have to be change. Anything could trigger change, it could even be an item a memory, or a song to urge people to change. People can change their lives with any of these tools and it is up to us to provide those tools. The most important thing is the person or people have to want that change and it is up to them to make it happen. Support is a primary additive as trusted Psyches we can lead but we cant make change happen. I wrote into the night and was enjoying getting into my psyche and the way I looked at changes all around me. The ride was thrilling and I didn't want to stop.

I rubbed my eyes and looked at my word count, with my deleting adding and bad words corrected I had managed three thousand words. I had to cull it down to a thousand so I highlighted and deleted some paragraphs that I didn't think were relevant anyway. An email flag beeped and when I opened it, it said. All deletions are kept in your school files for future reference. Please accept below. I did, then I submitted my work and shut the computer down.

I was so tired and worried I had written about the wrong things, but I was confident it was all me. My hand started stroking my dick, I could feel Troy's mouth still on it, and I replaced him with Booker I turned onto my stomach and placed my pillow under me, then I dry humped it. I came down from my orgasm and did the annoying after sex clean up, throwing my pillow slip into the corner. I turned on my side and whispered.

"Good night Book, I love you, thank you pillow, I love you too."

"Why didn't you leave the deleted paragraphs in Zack?"

I was talking to my professor before classes. He had called me into his office as I was walking by.

"It came to a lot more than you stated on the letter head, I didn't want to blow it." I was so fucking nervous and annoyed he had singled me out.

"A thousand words, two thousand, ten thousand, you do as many words as you need to finish what you have to say. I only suggest one thousand and a lot of the students make it a game by trying to make the word count exactly that, and I don't have time for gamers, I'm here to teach."

"Oh okay I will leave them in next time."

"You can bet your degree on that, no more deletions I want everything you have to say in its entirely in my inbox. By the way how did you know about change, where did you get your idea from, did you read about it on the Net?" I went into shock; did he just accuse me of cheating? I fired back, something I don't normally do.

"The essay is all me and my way of thinking, I have never written or read about change before but I have thought about it a lot Professor. I did do a half a day at my aunts soup kitchen last week, I suppose that triggered this mess." I indicated his computer.

He stared at me for ages so much so it was making me feel really uncomfortable.

"That will be all Zack, and it's not a mess." He didn't elaborate but he did shake my hand but I was still feeling guilty and felt like a naughty school kid. I had no reason to feel that way, maybe I should write a paper on feeling guilty someday.

Maybe my essay was all wrong but the bits I deleted were also right but I thought they were pretty wild and a tad unreal. But he had told us in class there us no right or wrong in this business, its all up to the patient for a better word. I know this in my heart I had written a good paper, but I don't know why I went down that path. I thought about it some more when I sat at my desk. I looked over to the empty seat next to me and almost cried because Book wasn't sitting there. Its me that has to change, I can't wait for Book. I have lost him and I hurt inside so much. The lecture was interesting and I was writing things down like crazy, so that filled in my morning and the time went quick.

I went to see if the food had improved today, it hadn't, so I took an egg salad sandwich and a juice over to an empty table. My new boyfriend Trevor arrived he was eager to sit with me.

"Did you get held up yesterday?"

"Sorry mate I did actually, sorry about that you didn't give me your number."

"Give me your phone I will tap it in for you."

"Thanks Trev." I smiled at him.

"What about today?" He was hot for me, and very nervous.

"Can't do, after this I am meeting my aunty to go shopping, I'll ring you Trev." Again I gave him one of my killer smiles. He again was uneasy in his seat.

I left Uni and headed for the church, I had missed the lunchtime rush and cook wasn't there today. I spied Hildy talking to a young woman at one of the tables. They were holding hands and a stack of paperwork was sitting next to her. Sometimes she brings work here just to get away from the office crowd.

"We do what we can Zack, Hildy is trying to talk her into leaving her current situation. She has three kids to three different fathers none of who help her out, she comes here to eat, she makes sure the kids get her share of the food at home. She's a good mother Zack, but she has to break the cycle she's fallen into, and its hard for her."

"I was wondering if I could help her somehow she looks so defeated aunty, is it possible for me to give her some money at least?"

"No honey, she has too much pride, and her current boyfriend will only drink it away on her. As I said she's a good mum kid, Hildys just trying to pass on some confidence we can place her into emergency government housing in a different town up country but she is finding it hard to change her life." Something snapped.

"Do you have a computer here where I can print something off?"

"Yes honey in the office over there, go knock yourself out."

"By the way where's cook today?"

"He's probably flat out running his million-dollar restaurant empire Zack."

"What?"

"He owns a chain of restaurants but comes here to cook once a month just to keep his life real baby. He was once one of these poor souls until he dried out and started fresh again." I was blown away by this man I will definitely marry him now, god knows what we can achieve together.

I printed off a copy of my changes essay, then handed it to the distraught mother on her way out.

"Read it thoroughly it may help your decision." Was all I said to her blank looking eyes. She put it in her shopping bag then left without a word.

I helped wash up the dishes and wiped the benches and floor over. Hildy was watching me from afar, I could feel her stare on the back of my neck. I suppose she's going to tell me to butt out now. I know I shouldn't have done that but it was an attempt for me to try and make a change in someone's life, anybody's life.

"Zack please give me a copy I would like to read it if you don't mind." I blushed

"I'm sorry Hildy, I just had to pass it to her, it was my essay on change, I wrote it last night."

"Please let me read it." It was requested in a tone I maybe shouldn't refuse.

I printed off a copy for her and did one for aunty Jenny who also wanted to look at it. Hildy sat at a table sending texts probably answering thousands of messages for her work. Then she started reading, her face didn't change as she started it again. She indicated for me to sit with her.

I was prepared to debate it with her, but I knew I would lose in the end, she was the expert. But at least I will try and come out of it unbruised.

"Where's the rest of it?"

"In the professors notes I deleted a lot because I thought a thousand words meant just that, but apparently it doesn't."

"Can you access them?"

"I think so, but they are not relevant."

"Let me be the judge of that one Zack."

I did what I was told and printed off the out takes.

She read them twice then married them off with my final paper.

I had cleaned until my hands were sore and the kitchen sparkled again. I kissed aunt goodbye and waved to Hildy, I needed to get out of there before I got a good ear bashing.

"Come clubbing tonight Zacky, I will find a gay soldier for you."

"Be there in six hours' time lover don't drink too much."

"He will be cute."

"I'm cuter, you can fuck him if I don't arrive in time." I fired back.

No reply.

Aunt Jenny knocked on my door she had a tray in her hands.

"Leftovers honey, you forgot to take them in your big rush to leave."

"I wasn't in a rush to leave; my job was done." I faked a shocked look.

"You so rushed out, like a fox from a chicken pen and I'm pleased you did."

"Why, was she going to kill me?"

"No honey she wants to marry you remember." She laughed.

I relaxed a little and replied.

"Won't cook get jealous?"

She grinned and took my hands and kissed them. I guess this is when I get a motherly talking to.

"I left her reflecting on your essay, she cried her heart out when you left. I could see she was working up to a good bawl."

"I didn't mean to do that to her, I just wanted to encourage the mother to maybe accept some change in her life, and the help Hildy was offering."

"You told her Hildys story, in not so many words, but when she read it in its entirety you described her personal struggle to the letter. It hit her a bit, because she's never been able to write those powerful words down herself. Now she sees it all so clearly she wants to marry you because you have made her feel real and right again."

I couldn't reply there was no words, it was just an essay a few words of encouragement. My phone pulled me back to the present and I excused myself and answered it.

"Hi Trev, what's up?"

He wanted to take me out for dinner I said I had already eaten and was studying tonight but I will see him tomorrow I hung up.

"Trevor?"

"Short story, he has found out I'm gay he's hot for me. I am letting him down gently." She gave me the I don't believe you stare.

"Truth aunty, I'm not interested in going to his room to do something I have no idea about with him, but he's a nice guy, he makes my day trying."

"That's called cock teasing nephew." I nearly dropped the phone.

"Aunty Jenny!"

"You didn't invent the word kid, its been around since I was a lass."

She left shortly after, our conversation was over, so I tried to ring Booker, I needed to hear his voice but alas no answer, so instead I rang my mum.

Two things happened the next morning. A new essay from my class to be done by Friday and an email from Booker.

I quickly opened Books message and started reading. It was full of bullshit most of it I couldn't understand it was gibberish. I tried to read it with different eyes but I decided in the end he had been drinking when he wrote it. One small sentence stood out. He had written 'you know what my father did to me.'

I didn't know what his father had done to him. I had been out to the farm hundreds of times his gran and dad were always good to me when I was little. His father burnt to death in the big barn fire years ago. But I always remembered him as being a great guy. Maybe it's the alcohol maybe the utter brainwashing the armed forces dishes out. I put it aside to sort through later on, then I opened the Uni email.

Topic. Tell me about hurt, in one thousand or more words in your case. I giggled to myself, the professor has found his funny side.

Hurt, I know about hurt, it's been with me for years my familiar friend. That constant ache I feel inside is hurt. Since I became aware I was totally in love with my best friend Booker, I have felt hurt. Its not pain. Pain can be controlled by doctors and pills, but hurt is something that is a constant ache, eating away at your insides twenty-four hours a day. Some people confuse it with pain and take pills to dull it but they don't work for hurt. They take more and more, they drink they abuse themselves to try and get the hurt out, it wont work it never works. I have learnt to live with hurt and I sometimes find myself looking to others to try and fix that hurt. Searching the faces of seemingly happy people, people that seem like they don't have a care in the world, people like me that don't show it but feel it constantly. Hurt is everywhere, hurt is in everyone, and it is a constant companion for everyone.

There is no cure for hurt no matter how many places you search for one, it will never appear in any books or lectures it can be controlled within, but never cured. My hurt will never leave and I will eventually learn to live with it. If I could learn to love and maybe substitute the hurt with love and let it take over. But I know that some love isn't forever its really another powerful ally of hurt in the end.

I thought about Trevor and how I was hurting him by playing with his mind. I immediately picked up my phone and called him. He was pleased to hear from me and I invited him to lunch in the cafeteria tomorrow.

I felt guilty, another hurt to add to my long list of inner hurts now I'm hurting potential good friends.

My professor was very active today, I say active because he was being animated, something I hadn't seen before in him and judging by the looks he was getting from the other students they were agreeing with me.

"Your results are now posted, you can look at them at recess, now I want to talk about hurt, what makes hurt?"

"Anyone?" He was looking at me. I cleared my throat and started talking.

"Hurt isn't a medical thing it isn't made it just appears, its a condition of your spirit, your inner self, for want of a better description, its in all of us and its a constant ache. It can be with us at birth and follow us into adulthood, all hurts are the same although caused by different life experiences. I think hurt is a self inflicted feeling our minds create to shield the imaginary parts of our bodies that feel it, wether it be your heart or your mind, hurt isn't curable its a constant ache searching out other hurt. If its not controlled by us it will seek out other hurts and become one big problem. Love will dull the hurt but sometimes love joins with hurt and will destroy itself in the process. Joined together they will seek and destroy your very mind and soul. Therefore, hurt needs a powerful love to be controlled, but when love starts to hurt, the control is always in hurts hands. The only way to combat the two is acceptance. Acceptance can control hurt and love, and when it does, it becomes a major controller. Learn to accept hurt and then you can control it."

I don't remember what I said next but the class went dead quite, the professor had a smile on his face, and did I detect a glint in his eyes.

He cleared his throat.

"Anyone else want to talk about hurt?"

One guy said rather loudly.

"I think he just said it all professor." I heard slight muffled giggles and saw a few if my classmates reach for tissues.

At lunchtime I met up with Trev, he was eager and had already got me a sandwich and drink.

"How are you today Zack, killing your studies?"

"Good Trev, I didn't look at my grades today I wanted to talk to you first." He looked concerned, he really was a cute guy. I did think twice about this.

"Trev, I'm sorry I can't do it, I would hurt you in the end, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you."

"Umm what are you talking about?"

"I'm in love with a guy I grew up with. I don't have any gay sex experience except what Troy did to me. I am dicking with you because I really don't want to start something with you I can't go through with. It would only hurt you in the end. My friend is a constant ache in my body and there's no room for any love that may or may not happen with others I meet along the way." He just sat there and mulled over my words, then he smiled.

"I get it Zack, I get it and more power to you for being honest with me. I feel very special I have you as a mate."

I relaxed because I was ready for the angry insults, he started laughing then when he calmed down he took my hand.

"It's the same here Zack. I am in love with a friend back home, I know he loves me so much. He wants me to succeed with my studies and gave me permission to play at Uni if I needed to. He said he would be a distraction if he moved to the city. I thought I could go along with it which I regret now. I know he's my life mate and I'm really not having any fun trying to do this on my own. I am hurting him badly by actively seeking out strangers. Thank god I haven't played, thank god for Will putting his life on hold for me, for us." He had tears of regret.

"Give him a ring Trev, he has got to be the best thing that has ever happened to you. He gave you his permission to play that was a huge thing for him to do. You are hurting he's hurting, deep love is the answer accept his love and let yours flow for him. Let it flow freely because it will ease both your hurts. Get him down here with you at any cost" We stared at each other for a long time. Then he asked.

"What about your hurt?"

"Its a constant ache I don't think it will ever leave me, not until I lay all my feelings and cards at his feet, or wait for his acceptance. I don't know about Book he's gone into the army and his emails and sms's are getting worse each time he sends them."

"Go see him Zack, tell him you love him, you have nothing to lose but everything to gain."

I left him sitting there on his phone, he had the biggest smile on his face, something love had put there, just for him and his best mate Will.

I arrived home early and the first thing I looked at were my grades on the last paper. I had hit the jackpot, and because I couldn't see the others results I figured maybe it was a normal grade. I felt a bit better about Trev too, and for some reason I had to go have a pull thinking of him, how he would look in the nude, how big was his cock. I wanted to kiss his sweet lips, and I felt his ass as it enclosed my dick into its warm embrace. I didn't feel love for him maybe a bit of lust but the pull expelled the tension that had been lurking somewhere inside me.

I started my next assignment, well I continued it I had started writing it this morning while it was fresh in my mind.

Before I went off to sleep I sent Book a message. 'I love you with all my heart and I miss you so much."

No answer, but I didn't expect one.

I didn't have any classes today so I decided I would accompany aunty to the soup kitchen. Cook was on board again he winked at me as he lifted a large pot of something off the fire and banged it down on the table. He then started lifting rolls of corned beef out of the water. They looked so delicious, but sorry cook some how you still don't float my boat, but your a nice guy.

Mashed potatoes cabbage carrots and white sauce to go with it, a diner's delight. Hildy rushed in she was running late, but Aunty and I with two others had started to make plates up. I hope there is plenty left over for later.

"Sorry kids got held up with black fella business." I looked at her she straightened her back and her dress, she said.

"Not that kind of business white boy, business business." I nudged aunty and winked.

"Sure Hildy sure."

We started giggling at her face if I didn't know better I was sure she was blushing.

She violently lifted the small roller door up and was greeted by a very unhappy line up of people. The guys in suits got served first today because they will be late back to work. Then the kids and mums. Hildy was happily chatting away at some of them, as we made a service line, keeping the plates up to the counter.

I noticed she gave one of the boys an extra mars bar with his meal. I had seen him here before he comes in with his mum. She looks like an ice addict and was all skin and bones.

"How are you today young fella?"

He giggled he must have been around twelve maybe thirteen.

"Good Hildy, mum looks good today doesn't she?" He took his mums hand.

"She sure does baby boy, has she been to the hairdressers this morning?"

He laughed again and answered.

"No that's a Michael special today."

"Well well I had better get you to do my fine curls one day it looks pretty cool to me."

"Anytime aunt Hildy anytime." I saw the hurt and I saw the change in Michaels eyes when he looked back at his mum, then I saw something else. I stopped in my tracks and stared as he took his mums arm and a tray with their meals on with his other. He made sure she had the spoon in her hands correctly then he guided her hand from plate to mouth. I didn't realise I had attracted some unwanted attention from the girls. I felt the slap on the back. Cook bought me out of it I heard him say.

"Come on Zacky its time for a smoko."

When I caught up to his words I called out to him.

"I don't smoke."

"Neither do I, so come and watch me bludge."

I thought something was very funny with his attitude so I shrugged and followed him out to the side of the building.

"Sorry Zacky, I hope you're not to mad with me, its best I get you out of there as quick as possible. Showing anything negative to the guests is counter productive apparently." He winked again.

"I wasn't doing anything just observing the little kid and his mum." He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a snow white real handkerchief freshly ironed and folded.

"Then you had better wipe your eyes before we go back."

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