Blue

Chapter Nine

Renew

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Staring at the ceiling seeing its whiteness fighting against the black of this night. It's doing nothing to lull me to sleep. I want so bad to use my tool to do some damage. The act will allow me to let go and slip into a dreamless sleep. I made promises, and I'm doing my best to honor those. It's harder than I expected it to be. It's easy to make promises when you don't want to hurt your loved one. Class starts tomorrow, and its biology at 8 am. What was I thinking?

My new roommate is sound asleep and has been for hours. Josh is an alright guy. We have similar taste in music and art. He's an English major with a French minor. I told him about me and that if that bothered him, he needed to move out sooner than later. He said it made no difference and told me some story about him and a friend. Henry may be a little jealous.

Henry and my time together over break was good. We talked a lot and made plans for spring and summer breaks. Henry stopped talking about his parents even though he called them twice; he didn't share any other news. So, pretty much after the first day, all the crying was done. The rest of the time was spent doing things nineteen-year-olds do.

I stop thinking about all this stuff and lots of other junk and concentrate on getting some sleep, but nothing works. I lie and wait until it's time to get up and ready myself for class. I have everything laid out, so all I have to do is get up and go. The room slowly grows lighter, and I decide to go ahead to get up and leave. I can read in the FAB or something.

I'm the second student to arrive for biology. The class that is every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I take a seat in the back the farthest from the door. Others slowly come in. I realize I don't have anything to worry about looking bad. I'm not the only one that didn't sleep much last night. To my surprise, Celeste walks in all dark sunglasses and scarf wrapped tightly against the cold. She sees me and makes her way over.

"You slut why didn't you tell me you were taking this god awful class?"

"You could have said something to me, hag," I reply. Celeste looks fantastic as she always does. She sits and spreads out all her things. I feel for Tom. I'm looking up, and there's Tony coming through the door. He looks all lost and out of it -- good.

"Well girl this is going to be fun," Celeste says poking me.

"Please be chill."

"Oh, I'm chill did you know him and pussy-face broke up? Yeah, she went back to her redneck townie boy toy."

"Oh well, karma sucks." Class begins.

Celeste and I go to get something to drink after class. We both have some dead time before our next begins. I'll head to philosophy as she navigates her way to world religion.

"How was the holiday's?" I ask.

"Was good lots of snow and not too much family drama. What about you? I heard you and Henry spent time together." I opt to give her a short version leaving out all of Henry's family drama.

"It was fun and restful. I got my license and met Charles, Henry's brother."

"What's he like?"

"Military, very nice and the spitting image of Henry."

"I assuming he's straight?"

"Well, we didn't have that conversation, but that would be my guess," I say looking around the student center and spotting Tony walking towards us.

"Hey, I was wondering if you and I might talk some time?" Tony says.

"I'm not sure what we have to talk about, but if there's something you'd like to say go ahead," doing my best not to show any anger.

"It's not; I'm heading to class. I'd appreciate just a little time maybe later today?" Tony says barely taking his eyes off his shoes.

"I can meet you here at 3."

"That will work, thank you; I'll see you later, nice to see you, Celeste." And with that Tony leaves.

"Ok, I'm just saying if he's coming out to you I'm going to be super pissed that my radar is not working." Celeste is making me laugh.

"That's not happening I can assure you. He might feel guilty although I'd doubt it. I guess I'll see at 3."

"You better give me a report at 3:15."

"I'll make you guess. I got to go. Get with Tom and let's have dinner together tonight."

"Sounds like a plan, now give me a kiss." We walk out together.

Philosophy oh how I'm going to despise you slightly. A never-ending list of reading followed by an enormous amount of writing. Why do I get the idea that this semester is going to be harder? Geometry, philosophy, biology, World History II, and Art II is too big a load. I'm going to drop geometry. I don't even know why I registered for the damn class.

I watch the crowd from my perch in the student center. I'm pretending to read a book, but I'm too anxious about meeting Tony to concentrate.

"Hey bud," Tom says standing beside me.

"How are you?"

"Good, Celeste told me ya'll have an eight o'clock class together. You may have to motivate her to get up. Why did ya'll pick an early morning class?"

"Shit I don't know," as I say this Tony approaches.

"Hey, guys?" Tony says still looking a little out of place.

"Well, I understand this is a meeting, so I'll be over here if you need anything, Alan," Tom leaves without even acknowledging Tony.

"Is this alright or do you want to go someplace else?" I say.

"It's fine with me." There's a moment of silence as Tony claims a seat.

"You called this what's on your mind?" I say.

"I'm going to say this, and I don't expect you to say anything, Ok. I was an ass last semester, and I shouldn't have treated you like I did. It wasn't about you, and I'm sorry." Tony says this while looking directly at me. I'm surprised by this.

"Thank you, but why now?" I ask.

"Things change, people change, and I don't want to be a person that can't change. You were always cool about everything, a good roommate, and I just fucked up. No one's to blame but me."

"Again, thank you," I'm not sure what else to say.

"So, can you be cool with us not ignoring each other?"

"Sure, I never thought we were friends but you doing this does mean a lot to me."

"Cool, I may need partners in biology if you think Celeste would be down for that?"

"That' would be cool; don't worry about Celeste; it takes her most of the morning to wake up."

"Well, I'll see you Wednesday, thanks Alan," Tony says as he gathers up his stuff to leave. I'm going to stay a little longer and maybe talk with Tom about Henry."

"You heading back over to the dorm?" Tom ask.

"Yeah, if you are, how's our buddy?

"Seems to be doing good, are you guys having issues?"

"No, he's just still doing the family stuff."

"Oh, well he's not said anything about family just talked about you and spending time over the holidays."

"I'll let him tell you everything. What about your Holiday?"

"It was good, lots of family, lots of food. What about you?"

"It was nice and quiet even after Henry came."

"You're so lucky, Celeste called me, and that was about it. I couldn't wait to get back here to be with her," Tom explains. Walking across the yard of the dorm we see several familiar faces. I suddenly realize I'm engaging in a conversation and being around people a lot more then I was last semester. Maybe Alan is changing.

Josh is in the room napping when I get to home. I forgot how much I enjoyed having a room to myself. There's a note on my bed telling me Henry is in a practice room in the FAB and I should head over. I put down my books and decide to take a minute before I go over. Josh turns over and opens his eyes.

"How's it going? Did you get the note?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'm sorry if he bothered you."

"No, he wanted to make sure I knew who he was."

"What does that mean? Did he do something stupid?"

"Oh no, I told him I knew the two of you were boyfriends."

"Sorry about that."

"No, it's cool. I told you it doesn't matter."

"Well, I'm going. I'll see you later."

"Bye." I exit as fast as I can. I can't believe Henry did that.

At the FAB I'm home this is the place I love most on campus. It's the place where Henry and I met and went through a lot of shit. I walk around the lobby for a minute. I see they've put up some new art none of which is mine. I ended up with a "B" in that class. If I were braver, I'd ask professor Allison what the "B" is based on. I'll let it go. Turning I take the stairs to the left leading to the music practice rooms. I guess I'll wander around until I hear guitar music.

There's one room without a piano being used. I knock. The door opens it's Henry, and he's been crying. "What's going on buddy?"

"I'm just; it's nothing. I'm glad you're here; how was your first day?"

"It was good. I have a class with Celeste, and I talked to Tony. How was your day," I say avoiding digging more into Henry's sadness.

"What did Tony have to say?"

"Oh, he apologized and wants to be friends. He somehow believes that before he moved out, we were bros."

"That's a change; my day was pretty good. No early morning classes, like someone I know."

"Like two someone's, Celeste has the same class, and Tony wants to be our lab partner."

"Aren't you full of surprises today. Come here and kiss me, please," He seems to beg, which I have to admit I like. I move over and start to kiss. The kissing leads to groping first over clothes and then pretty soon under them. We take our coats and throw them on the floor, making a pallet. I take Henry in my hand and begin to jack him off. He follows and begins with my balls before grabbing my penis. We roll around on the floor tugging at each other until I come. I chose to finish Henry off in my mouth in hopes it improves his state of mind.

"Mmm, that was nice," Henry says as he offers me a drink of his Diet Coke and a kiss. I'm relieved.

"That was nice, now why don't you tell me what's bothering you," I ask.

"The same family shit. I talked to mom today about the scholarship, and she barely spoke to me. I'm not sure I'm able to deal with this. They're acting like I did something horrible and all I did was tell them who their son really is -- that's it nothing else."

"I wish I could take your pain away, buddy, I don't know what to do."

"Just be with me. I'll get over this. I wish it could be sooner than later." We stay still and disheveled me holding Henry, but eventually, we have to migrate to the dorm. The lobby is fuller than normal. I guess it's the start of a new semester that's got everyone riled up. Henry makes his way over to some friends as I take a right and hit the stairs to my room.

The third floor is wild too this evening. The RA is passing out condoms and safe sex pamphlets while most everyone has their doors open in an inviting manner. Ours is no exception. Josh is talking with two guys and a girl when I get to my room.

"Alan, how's it going? This is Bradon, Chris, and Liz," Josh says introducing me to a very tall dark guy, a pudgy blonde fellow with great eyes, and a little mousey looking chick with a perm.

"Nice to meet you," Bradon says. "Didn't we have stats together?"

"Yeah, I think so. Nice seeing you guys. What are you all getting into?" I say trying to have a conversation as I put my stuff down.

"Talking about choosing majors," Liz says.

"Mine is English," Chris says flashing his pale blue eyes. "You?"

"Fine arts," I say.

"Undecided but I think I'm going to be forced into teaching," says Liz. I'm sure there's a story here, but I don't give a shit.

"And, I'm business if something doesn't lure me away," Bradon says laughing at a joke he only gets.

"I hope you didn't mind I was looking over your tapes, great musical taste," Liz says.

"Thanks, it's been cultivated over many years," I say.

"Can we hook up sometime and you show me some stuff?"

"Sure, I'm up," when an opportunity presents itself I'm supposed to take it and so this is what I'm going to do with this chick. I follow the talk for a while until I excuse myself and go to the bathroom. I'm surprised someone is taking a shower at this hour. All the surfaces are moist from all the steam; it's hard not also to get a little damp. I zip and turn to walk out when Tony steps out of the shower. I didn't even know he lived on this hall. I hurry out because it's too uncomfortable. Then I think it's not like I haven't seen his ass before.

"Where did everyone go?" I say returning to the room now just populated with Josh and Henry.

"They had to get Liz back to the dorm. Don't ask because I don't know who's the boyfriend. I met them Friday at orientation, and I never see them unless they're all together."

"Good to know and what about you?" I ask turning my attention to Henry. "I take it you've met?"

"Oh yeah, earlier today or was it Sunday?" Josh ask.

"Yeah, how was your first day?" Henry asks Josh.

"It was good. I just sat in the wrong class for a few before I realized I was not in English 100."

"Oh, man I did that my second day, thought I was in religion and was in philosophy," Henry shares. Pretty much the rest of the night and into the early morning we chat sitting around the room. I didn't know what was happening until I was in the middle of it. At one point Henry reached for my hand, but I moved it out of the way. I'm not sure about PDA even in front of people that say it's okay. We've never kissed or hugged or held hands around anyone including Tom and Celeste. Finally, the night ends, and Josh and I say goodbye to Henry and fall asleep.

More and more I feel like I belong here. For that matter, I think I belong at Uncle Peter's. When he was driving us back to school, he referred to his house as "ours" which surprised me. To lose a home, a place, you've known for 17 years and to suddenly find a better place one that you're beginning to love is a good feeling. This all isn't just about Henry; some of it has to do with me wanting to fix and set things right.

Thinking about what I did, every bit of it, I sometimes wonder why did I have such a reaction. I also think about the pain I inflicted and the pain I felt. Nothing makes sense about that day to me. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and discussing it with professionals, and I still don't have an understanding. I'm not even sure I regret anything except the suicide part, but that did help in getting me out. I think about John and what it must be for him being straight now.

The remainder of the week goes well. Classes are good, and I think everything else is improving. Celeste and I have agreed to be each other's motivators when it comes to biology. I've talked her into giving Tony a break, and it seems to be working. Tony, he is so different than the way he was last semester. It's different but good.

Henry, on the other hand, is finding out we don't have as much time together as we once did. We got used to not having to share a dorm room. Now we use the FAB as our daily meeting place. It doesn't always include sex, but it does include some hand-holding and kissing. Of course, we talk about our day, and how things are going, it just seems so different than it was last semester. There's nothing I would like more than to spend the night with Henry, to go to bed in each other's arms and wake up the same way.

"I want to tell you something," Tony says to me on a day Celeste has decided not to come to class. "Can we talk after class?" I'm not sure what to expect, but I don't have it within me to tell Tony no.

"Sure, is there something wrong?" I ask because I don't know what else to say. Tony just looks at me and stares for a moment.

"Nothing wrong I just would like to ask some advice."

"I'm not sure I'm much at giving advice."

"You'll be able to help with this. Where are you going after class?"

"I'm free for a while."

"Can we meet in my dorm room? My roommate has class all day."

"Ok," I agree even though it seems like a stupid decision for me to make. I'm not looking for an additional friend. "Can I meet you over there? I have to make a quick stop."

"Sure, it's room 340. Did you read last night?" Tony changing the subject.

"Yes, but I didn't get much out of it," with that we are back on class issues and trying to figure out what the professor wants from us. It stays that way for the rest of the time. I part ways with Tony. I wait for an opportunity to speak with Professor Greggs about the report due.

Standing outside room 340 I'm not able to knock. I stand and wait as if I can will the door to open. Finally, I relax and tap on the door. Tony answers.

"Come in. Thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it."

"No problem," I say but meaning let's get this over with because I'm going to explode. It is obvious that Tony is nervous about what he's about to ask.

"So, how did you know you were like this?"

"What kind of question is that? Where is this going?" I say doing my best not to be too abrasive.

"It's just that," Tony starts but stops as if he's trying to figure out a way to just be plain and say it. "It's my cousin told me he liked guys, he didn't say he was gay," Tony now looking me in the eyes.

"Well that's the definition of gay is liking guys. So, he may not have used that word, but that's what he meant." It's quite for a little. I can tell Tony's trying to work things out in his mind.

"It's just that, how did you know?" I'm not sure what to say. I don't know when I knew for sure; it was always there.

"It doesn't just happen; I guess it's always there. I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"I want you to tell me that....I don't know. I need to know that this isn't something that just happens."

"I don't think you're going to roll over in bed and say oh I'm gay." I laugh but realize this is not the time. "What's bothering you?"

"That I could grow up and have a best friend and not know he was gay," he looks almost sad or something. "He told me over Christmas. He got mad when I told him about how I treated you, and he blurted it out. Said `Tony, I like guys too' and punched me?"

"Karma's a bitch," I say remembering what I said the first day I saw Tony after break. "I'm sorry, this is how people are. I don't know how it was for your cousin, but for me, I just knew. He's the same guy you grew up with no different it's hard knowing you're not like others and knowing you can't tell anyone."

"No, I don't think so. He's so pissed at me. You're not going to tell anyone, please not even Henry, please promise."

"Sure, I won't say anything. He'll forgive you just apologize like you did to me and he'll be good."

"Well, there's other stuff, and this is what you can't tell, please, we used to jackoff together all the time. I said he was trying to make me gay and he said maybe I am gay and just ignoring it and hating myself," Tony telling this story as he tries to hold back his emotions.

"It was a fight. It doesn't mean anything you guys were just trying to win the fight. And if every straight guy who beat off with a friend was gay, let's just say they'd be a lot more of us around."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not the gay Buddha. I don't think you're gay you would know. Do you feel gay?"

"What does gay feel like?"

"Oh, fuck I don't know. I just know you would know Tony." He doesn't look relieved.

"Thanks, now you know why I needed to apologize. I was awful to you and still feel bad."

"That's ok we all do stupid stuff."

"I mean it I'm sorry. Thanks for talking I've got to go to class."

"I'll see you in biology, you know where I live," I exit with some relief at the conversation I just had. I do feel sorry for Tony; believing you have a connection and finding out the person is different from who you thought they were is hard to understand. It's hard for that person to explain. Wonder how Tony's cousin feels. Now I'm going to take a nap before lunch.

I get to class late, and I sit in the back. I should have stayed in bed because class is dead and a repeat of Wednesday's. Just a couple of more hours and the weekend will be here, and I have nothing important to do, but wait for Henry. I almost fall asleep, but the head fall brings me back. As the class ends, I'm confronted with going back to the room or go to the FAB. I don't have anything to work on, but I can start something. I want to have a student show. This would be for all students studying fine arts or taking classes. It would be music, theatre, dance, and all form of the visual arts.

We meet in front of the FAB. Henry is going in with guitar in hand and me with headphones on listening to one of my tapes. We both surprise each other. What I want is for him to take me into his arms and kiss me like a long lost lover because that's what I'm feeling.

"Buddy," Henry says through his smile.

"Buddy, how's it going?" I respond moving my hair out of my eyes and as he scratches his upper arm our little secret gestures that say I'm kissing you and saying I love you.

"You going in here? How did I know?"

"You're 007. You're Sherlock."

"Let's go to the workroom, and I'll serenade you to give you inspiration."

"Sounds like a plan." We walk inside into the warmth and bright light of the lobby. The choral group is practicing in one of the galleries for the acoustics. Henry and I take the left stairwell to the floor below and follow the hall to my workroom. I open the door, and the room is empty. I'm relieved. "Do I get a kiss now?" I say turning to Henry.

"Yes," He says. He reaches out and shuts the door as we wrap our arms around each other and kiss. "How has your week been?"

"Busy and I'm tired what about your week?"

"The same. Tom's with Celeste tonight. They want to know if we want to order Chinese and eat in the room?"

"What time?"

"Around 6 or 7 Celeste said they were playing it lose."

"Yeah that's cool, and it means at the end of the night we get a room to ourselves, buddy," I remind him of the best part of his statement.

We hang at the workroom for a couple of hours. Henry plays the guitar, and I map out a design for a poster. It's nothing great, but I'm happily anxious about its outcome. We run into Tom in the lobby chatting up some guys I don't know. I go ahead and escape to the room where I find the gang from earlier in the week.

"Hey, we are just getting ready to head out to a party over in the lady's dorm you want to go?"

"No thanks, I'm playing cards tonight. I might not be back tonight so the place will be yours."

"Cool, I might get lucky," Josh says as his two boys laugh. "It might happen."

"If that's the case I for sure won't be back." It's not long before they leave happy and giddy joking the way out the door and off the floor. I take the opportunity to change into some shorts and flip flops. Pretty soon I hear Henry and Tom getting home.

"Hey come over," comes Tom's voice through the door. I head over excited about what's going to happen at the end of the night.

"Where's the boy?" I ask.

"He's in the john. Here's the menu look over it and decide what you want and I'll order."

"Boys we are in for a night Celeste brings a new drink so be warned," Henry says walking in. He slings off his shoes and digs in a drawer for some shorts and a t-shirt.

"Are we retiring the Celeste?" I ask.

"Praise fucking Jesus the worst drink ever created," Tom says as Celeste enters the room looking like a bag lady.

"Hello, boys come and kiss mama," Celeste says going around and kissing each of us, Tom and her kiss is deeper than Henry and mine. "Are you ready to party a little?"

"We are anxiously awaiting the unveiling of the new drink you've created," says Henry.

"Well, it's more than a drink; it's a punch, and I'm going to let you three name it. It's equal parts Keystone Light, Lemonade, and vodka...yeah," Celeste shares.

"Umm it sounds as bad as the Captain Morgans and Orange Crush," Tom says. "Are we mixing it in a trash can?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, we're using a trash can, but it's never been used that's why I'm weighed down with bags," Celeste says.

Tom and Henry go and pick up the Chinese food as Celeste, and I mix drinks and get the room ready for games and maybe a movie. We chat about how the semester is shaking out and about Tony. I don't share with her the latest because I had promised, but I do urge her to take it easy and not be too hard on him. She doesn't understand my change of heart, and I don't have an explanation except when you make a mistake everyone should get a second chance.

The four of us play late into the night until it's getting close to the time Celeste has left. "Ok guys we are heading over, behave, and we will see the two of you tomorrow sometime," Tom says as he pushes Celeste out the door.

"Bye guys, you behave too," Henry says as they exit. "I'll be back. I need to go the bathroom."

"I was going to take a shower before bed. What about you?" I say. We both exit one room so I can enter another to get my shower stuff and some clean shorts.

"Sounds good to me," Henry says as he opens the bathroom door. I hurry with my stuff to the bathroom further down the hall to give Henry whatever privacy he needs. There are still somethings that should be kept private. I'm alone. Most everyone is still enjoying their Friday. I can't wait until Henry, and I get into bed. I have an erection the entire time I'm in the shower. It's been a long time for us. When I get back to the room the door is open, and Henry is gone, probably taking a shower. I make the bed and find just the right kind of music. I push play, and Henry enters clad in a towel still with wet hair and water across his chest. He shuts the door.

"Come here," he says as he drops his towel. I do as I'm asked as the Cure's Holy Hour begins to play. He's wet and hard, and I'm very excited. We turn the lights off with only the glow of some Christmas lights on the window. We sway more than dance in each other's arms kissing. This is so good exactly what I've been needing, and I'm sure Henry is thinking the same thing.