Chapter Six
New Ground
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Uncle Peter came up with the plan for me to go to Greeneville College. He provided me another escape. He talked to me about how much good it did him when he was my age and how important an education is. The bonus of having spies to keep an eye on me was a factor as well. Shortly after passing the GED we went for a visit. Five long hours later we arrived to meet the adult Granges. I was cautious but felt nonthreatened by them. This made the arrangement a good choice.
We stayed the weekend and took in the small town and the area around the tiny college. I didn't believe I was going to attend this place...it wasn't real no matter how much we talked about it. "What's your feeling of the place?" Uncle Peter asked.
"I like that it's small and the area seems nice.....what do you think?"
"It doesn't matter what I think.......do you think this could be the place for you?"
"Well, I liked the art building and that they have a print shop and that the Dean of Visual Arts is a printmaker," all true.
"Okay.....Pat and Mary have offered to let you come a month early...give you a little extra time to get the lay of the land.....does that work for you?"
"Yeah, that would be nice," not true.
"So, we have to make a plan.....and a list of everything you will need," Uncle Peter is a planner.
"How am I going to pay for this?"
"I'll write a check....I have money.....you have money.....we will set you up a bank account."
"I can never pay you back......there's no way."
"I know it's still hard to understand, but....you're mine, and I'm yours."
"What does that mean?" I ask
"It means that....that....you owe me nothing....no that's not true....you want to repay me?"
"Yes...I have to."
"Come here.....go to school...get an education....make these last two years mean nothing in your overall existence....that's worth more to me......more than money."
"Why are...why are you doing this?"
"Because buddy....I needed you as much as you needed me....and I hope you know that I love you and am very committed to you." He sounded like he was about to cry. We didn't talk very much on the way back to Georgia. We mainly listened to golden oldies as I slept and dreamed of being someplace where no one knew me or anything about my baggage.
There's something to be said about listening to sad music. Is the listener meant to embrace the sadness or are they to use it as a tool to work through their shit. After everything sometimes I felt I got more help from listening to the dirge of The Smiths than my therapist. At least The Smiths didn't try to force me to face the part I played in my destruction. Fuck, I know I did this to myself....nothing was going to change that...I accept 100% of the damage I have caused. I only wish I knew if others felt ashamed and hurt and hated themselves for the parts they contributed.
Plans began.....Uncle Peter and I worked on securing me a psychiatrist, Dr. Thane, and a therapist while at college. I was yet to know of the requirement to meet with Father Grange weekly, but it was something I would live with....and grow a fondness for. We bought clothes and hampers and a mini fridge to go in my room. We found sheets and a comforter that fit my style along with a lamp and rug. It was hard not to show my excitement at turning the pages....shutting the book on the past and moving on to a new adventure.
Uncle Peter was nothing but positive about this change. He told me great stories of his first year of college and how he and Pat had found each other. He said that it was and is the most important growing point of his life. I listened and took in his tales and advice. During this time I began to notice how his affection or our affection for each other grew. I would hate to admit that I felt like for the first time in my life I had a father. Especially the night we had a safe sex talk. It was obvious he had done some research about HIV....I'm not saying it was a comfortable conversation, but It showed his concern and knew that sex was going to happen in some form.
"I promise not to do anything where I'm not protected," I left out where John and had sex without any precautions.
"I'm just saying....it's more important than just being safe...it's about living and dying.....ok?"
"Yes, I understand....thanks," trying to end the talk as quickly as possible. Later that night I came down the steps to Dire Straight's Romeo and Juliet playing while Peter was building a fire.
"Do you know this one?" he asked.
"Yes, the same band that does Sultans of Swing.....right?" I knew the answer.
"That's them....I thought we could grill some steaks and have a nice homecooked meal....how about it?" echoing a line in the song.
"Sounds good what can I do?"
"Sit the table everything else is done except the steaks." We ate and talked about college and cleaned up. It was a very good night.
That night I dreamed of meeting someone new.....someone who would make me more than happy....in the dream he was faceless. I woke hard and horny, and so I beat off to a faceless man that was going to help me escape and run further from my past hell. His warm breath on my neck and ear.....his rough hands stroking my chest making my nipples ache and my stomach ripple. Once he touches my dick, it is all but over. It all ends with him squeezing me tight in his arms. Afterward, I don't get up to clean or pee I just go back to bed content with my dream god.
So, Uncle Peter was going to be gone for most of the Friday before we were to haul me and goods up to college. I got up early that day to finish that little bit of packing left to be done. Luckily he had a Wagoneer with lots of room. I had a plan to put everything in the garage so the car could be backed up and loaded with ease. This didn't take as long as I had thought and before long I had everything ready except a few bits. I stood looking at my life reduced to a few boxes the difference is this wasn't sadness, but I think I feel happiness.
Fixed some coffee with lots of cream and sugar...the only way to drink it and sat to watch the squirrels. One thing I had never done was play any of my tapes on Uncle Peter's stereo. I don't know why....I just plugged into my Walkman and listened to everything that way. Since I was home alone, I retrieved some of my music and came downstairs. I spent the rest of the day cleaning the house and dancing. I loved being alone. Alan could come out and play when I was alone.
It was growing darker as Love, and Rockets hard Motorcycle ended leading into Patti saying "Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine." Preach girl....Gloria is amazingly full of abandonment and finding redemption in the body of the perfect person. Of course, my person wouldn't be a she....but he could still be wearing a nice red dress. I let go during this song and began to dance all over the living room. What I didn't know is Uncle Peter had come home and was standing watching me with a smile on his face in the kitchen. Like deer in headlights when I see him, I'm stunned. He waves as I stumble to turn the music off.
"I'm sorry....I wanted to have everything clean and ready to go by the time you got back...." I say.
"Sorry for being a kid....isn't that what you've been working on....nothing to apologize for."
"Sorry.... I mean.....how was your trip?" changing the subject.
"Good....I've got Chinese...and a going away gift."
"Cool....you know you've given me enough...."I say as he hands me a bag containing a new Walkman...highclass the one that's waterproof and auto changes sides.
"It has two headphone jacks....so when you find that other person you can share your music." I wonder why he said that but I understand his worry about me isolating myself.
We eat and talk about getting everything ready for the morning. "If you back the car up I'll load everything in so we can just get in and go in the morning," I say.
"Ok sounds good to me.....what about...." He's interrupted by the phone ringing. He gets up and goes to answer leaving me with the last dumpling and shrimp toast. "Yeah we will be leaving at around eight in the morning......good, good.......we'll see you then," he hangs up. "That was Pat checking on our plans."
"I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight......I'm."
"It's been almost nine months since you came here.....change can....is hard.....you're going to do great."
"I know.....it's just....I don't know......if I can be....good at this....being around this many new people.... I've been here around you, and that's about it." I explain.
"Again...you're going to be great...and I've talked to Pat about having you check in with him every week. Pat will be kinda my surrogate...ok....is that good?"
"Yeah......but what does he know?"
"Well, Pat knows everything.....how you came to be and where you're at now.....not only is he a priest, but also a social worker....I'm sorry I didn't tell you...I hope that it's ok.....I."
"It's fine....I'm ok......"
"I'm sorry buddy I should have told you......Pat is the greatest person I know....I trust him more than anyone."
"Really I'm fine....I'm going to clean up here and head upstairs."
"Go ahead I'll finish everything.......try to rest...ok...goodnight."
I stop and pick up my tapes. As I climb the steps, I hear the TV go on, and I begin to wonder how much Uncle Peter will enjoy having his house to himself again. I gather up the few clothes remaining and smush them into a bag. I open the new Walkman and put the batteries in. I decide to wait until the trip to play it. I don't know why. I make sure the room is as I found it all those months ago. I will be sad to leave this place.....I never expected for it to feel like home...but it now feels better than home.
I disrobe and head to the bathroom. I shut the door and look at myself in the mirror. I don't have much hair on my stomach or around my dick. I'm not horrible, but I'm not sure how someone else would see me. I take a closer look at the work I've done to my thighs -- both the left and right littered with scars, scabs, and shades of blue. I wish as I touch each place I could remember the pain....relive it. I want to feel it again, and so I sit and take out the pen.
I'm awakened by Peter knocking on the door and offering me a sweet cup of coffee. He sits it on the bedside table and leaves. I rise and take a sip and promptly head to the bathroom in hopes I can piss with this hardon. I was hoping to have time to jackoff before the trip, but I guess plans have to change. I wash my face and head downstairs fully dressed empty coffee cup in hand.
"Give me just a few, and I'll be good to go," Uncle Peter says.
"Great...I'm ready....I hope, "I say in a whisper not wanting to frighten Peter. It's sunny with blue skies which I'm taking as a good omen. I go ahead and walk outside and have a look around. I won't be back here for sometime.....maybe never. I hear the car doors click as Uncle Peter walks from the garage.
"You sure you got everything?"
"Positive.....you forgot your travel mug."
"No....i'm not taking it...we'll stop and get something in a couple of hours or so....that cool?"
"Oh yeah...I'm ready," I say as I climb in the front seat and buckle up. Late July is hot in the south. The road is dark rippling in the glare of the sun. We stop a couple of times to pee and get snacks. Corn Nuts and pork rinds topped off with Diet Coke make a road trip. Like before we don't talk much. I man the music, and occasional Uncle Peter will ask the name of a band. We make good time.
We pull up to the dorm around 1:00. I get out to head inside to ask about my room assignment. Red, a large middle-aged man, introduces himself and gives me some information. "You're here a few weeks before everyone else....you won't have a roommate now but come the start of class you'll be assigned one....here's a key it works your dorm room as well as the front door and the laundry room.....and you're in 313," Red explains all this in one breath. "Ray and Eric....help Alan here bring his stuff up to 313!" he shouts. Two large guys come forward and shake my hand.
"I'm Ray...and I'm your RA. If you need anything or get locked out I'm in 305 just knock," he says.
"Nice to meet you guys...thanks for your help," I say heading outside.
"Uncle Peter this is Ray and Eric they're going to help move me in."
"Nice to meet you guys and thanks for your help......there's a lot," Uncle Peter says.
"No worry it's a great workout," Eric mumbles.
In no time my small hot room is full of my stuff thanks to the two athletes. "You've got to have a fan buddy," Uncle Peter says as I open both windows in hopes of cooling the place down.
"I'm sure I can find one.....it is hot."
"Let's run into town and pick one up before we head over to Pat and Mary's....I need to pick up a bottle of wine for tonight."
"What time are we meeting them," I forgot we were having family dinner tonight.
"Whenever there's no set time....let's go...I know I didn't have airconditioned rooms in school, but I don't believe it was this fucking hot."
We found a couple of fans and a bottle of wine that Uncle said was perfect. We drove around town checking out all the historical and places of interest. I liked that it was near three national parks and you could see the mountains. There's something about looking out across the sky and seeing it being held up by mountains that make me feel good.
You could see the Grange house from college...it was just across the road to the entrance. White older home with a yard flooded with flowers and a brick drive heading to the side. The back was hidden by a fence and trees. I didn't know, but I would become very familiar with the bricks over the coming semester. We pulled up to the front and excited as Mary stepped on to the porch.
"Hello, gentleman.....are we moved in?"
"Yes, ma'am," I say. As Peter climbs the steps wine in hand and leans in to kiss Mary on the cheek.
"Come on in where it's nice and cool. Pat and the boys are still at a cub scout thing, but they should be back before too long," Mary explains. "Would you guys like something to drink?"
"Water would be great," Peter says.
"Alan...you?"
"Yes, water is great...thank you ma'am."
"Let's cut the ma'am stuff out....please...I know you are a nice, polite young man...so you can just call me Mary....OK?"
"Yes.....ma'am....I mean Mary," we laugh.
"Peter I'm going to take Alan to my studio....you hang out here."
"Yes...ma'am," we laugh some more.
Mary takes my hand and leads me down steps and out the back to a small house. The wide doors swing relatively easy and open onto a good size room all neatly put away but clearly a painters home. Canvases are stacked against walls, and there are buckets of brushes with paint tubes stacked in cubes hung on the wall. It smells of turpentine and art...or what I imagine creativity smells like.
"This is amazing," I say taking everything in.
"Thank you....it's my hidey hole....my fortress of solitude.....It's a great workshop."
"I love it.....do you teach any of the art classes at school?"
"Yes,....sculpture I and II as well as a history course on contemporary art movements."
"I guess I'll be seeing you.....more than usual."
"I'm excited you're here, and I do look forward to you being around.....just not at college but here in our home and my studio," Mary says.
"Thank you.....this means a lot to me....I guess you know about me?"
"I know nothing about you except that your Peter's nephew who he took in.....if there comes a time you want me to know something you can tell me...deal?" She says as she offers me her hand. I shake it.
"Deal." As much as I want to believe her....I'm not sure I can. I'm not a good person, and Father Grange would want his family to be safe from people like me.
We head back in just as Pat and the boys return. The remainder of the night is spent talking about what's going to be happening over the next few weeks and me playing video games and Lego's with the boys. Peter sleeps upstairs, and I stay in the den on the couch. It is very hard for me to fall asleep and I spend most of the night flipping channels....something I haven't done before. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I woke to two boys wanting to play Mario Cart.
The rest of the weekend is normal. When Uncle Peter leaves I head to my room even though the Granges offer to let me stay with them until school gets going. I need my own place to relax and be Alan. "This is for you," Uncle Peter says as he hands me a credit card. "It's a debit card, but it will work like a credit card. Don't go wild but there's plenty of money in it....I'll monitor it and add more funds as needed.....ok?"
"Thanks," I was having second thoughts about being here.....about being alone.
"Now Wednesday you are to meet with Pat at his office in the Fine Arts Building around noon....please you have to keep these appointments.....as much as you're on your own here....you've got to maintain connections.....I'm not downstairs .....I need to know you're doing well.....I'll talk to you soon.......I," he stops not sure of what he was going to say.
"I understand and will do whatever I have to do to make you happy."
"This isn't about me being happy....it's about you being healthy.....and....can I...hug you bye?" We seldom touched. He'd pat me on the back or pretend to punch my arm, but we've never hugged. I don't say anything, but I do move closer.
"Sure we can hug.....thank you for everything....it's all too much."
"Don't worry about any of it......thank you," Uncle Peter holding tight. We break our grip, and he says bye one more time before he loads in the car and heads back to Georgia. I'm sad. I didn't believe this was going to happen and now it's here.....what's next Alan?
Monday I wake when the heat begins to rise in the room, and the sun bounces on the tan cinder block walls. This room is so much like the hospital room I spent time in. The difference is there are no herd of medical folks out there to get into my room and disturb me. I didn't sleep too bad mainly because I was so tired. I'll take it. However, I can get it. I have a list of things to do today. First is get something to eat and check out the food situation here. I'm too late for breakfast, but lunch should be starting soon. I need to set up my mailbox at the post office and start on the room.
It's empty on the third floor -- no signs of anyone using the group bathroom or no wandering around the halls like I was expecting. The stairwell is not as hot as the rest of the building. I head down and out the door. I want to get the lay of the land before things get crowded. I head out across the road and onto the college proper taking in the trees and sculptures that dot the landscape. The trees keep it cool. Following the walk, I come to a three-way fork.... I take the path to the library. The library is a big white stone block building with Hearst carved above the door. I head in and am pleased that it's airconditioned and the temperature is on extremely chill. I spend a few minutes here until lunch is ready.
After lunch, I head back out into the heat to explore more. I cover every inch of campus....in and around buildings....over hills and back again. The campus is green and old and gnarled like an oak tree. I'm avoiding going back to the room and get things done. People I meet along the way never ask my name or ask what I'm doing they just nod or say hi returning to their paths. I run across the kitchen help smoking behind the dumpster. THey're all young men tight chested in white stained t-shirts taking a break from their labors.
"Hey," I say caught off guard by the tall blond who looks a little slow. He's smoking off from the others probably cause it's pot and not Marlboro's or Camels like the others.
"You want a hit kid?" he says with a grin.
"Sure." I come close and reach out just as someone calls out "Chip."
"Damn....meet me back here at 6:00 and we can share the rest of this."
"Sure....6:00," I say with no intentions of coming back until CHip turns and tugs on the front of his pants. I head around the building and across the yard going to the dorm....I've got some time to kill...I can get stuff put away. I hit the dorm and climb the three flights to my room....that is cool and dark cause I get the morning sun and not the late afternoon sun.
At 5:30 I leave for the cafeteria. I'm going to get a turkey sandwich to add to the junk food I have stored in my mini fridge and drawer. I tell myself this but what I'm really doing is checking on Chip. Possibly a new friend or at least someone that will let me do something to him.....it's been a long time.
Chip is manning a cash register when I enter. I pick my purchases a bag of chips, two DIet Cokes, and a big turkey sub. He rings me up and doesn't charge me for the sub. "I'll see you in a bit," he says as he hands me my change. I nod.
I have time to run my goods back to the room. I take one of the Diet Cokes with me. I round the back of the dorm and walk down the road until I'm at the side of the cafeteria. I make my way from there to the far side of the dumpster where Chip is pissing against the side of the building. "You came."
"Yeah.....it's been a while since I had some pot.....do you think I could score a joint?" I ask only because I'm nervous as hell and would really like to suck his dick. Chip had his apron off and changed into shorts, but he's still wearing his white t-shirt.
"Let's fire this up....or would you like to go back to my place and smoke for real?"
"I don't have a car and...."
"THat's ok...I live right across campus just past the entrance in an apartment. It's an easy walk."
"Lead the way." He starts out, and I do my best to keep up. When we get to the house that's been converted into three apartments he turns and says, "I'm looking to get my knob sucked.....is that cool?"
"Yeah," I stutter.
"FUck yeah!"
I don't wait to get stoned....as soon as the door is closed I go down on my knees and put my hands on Chip's zipper. He is surprised. I want to get this over with. I don't care about getting stoned not really. He drops his shorts, and they hit the floor. I let him put his dick in my mouth, and I take as much of it as I can. He urges me on with his hip movements and talk. In no time I have him under control, and I can feel his cock pulsing.....he shoots, and I let his dick and come slip from my mouth.
"Thanks, guy," he says puffing.
"Can I get a little to go...and no problem....nice knob." He leaves the room and returns with a cigarette pack. He hands it to me.
"Hey, don't be a stranger....but let's keep this on the down low."
"No problem....thanks," I say turning realizing he doesn't even know my name. I head back to the roomand my new life.