Blue

Chapter Three

We All Have Secrets

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I enter into sun and noise of Friday's Chapel. This is the first time I've been able to see Henry perform. It's been a month since I introduced him to Father Grange...or Pat. There are more people than I expected. Henry is here with Tom, his roommate and a girl I don't know. I want to back up and return to a safe place. I breathe deep trying to relax. Henry spots me....he smiles. Are others aware of his smile or am I the only that knows and understands what it is all about. Looking for a seat, I notice someone is touching me.

"Alan, good to see you," Pat is saying and smiling already dressed in his white cassock ready for service.

"Nice to see you sir...is it always this full?"

"Pretty much....everyone here's to beg favor so they can sin the weekend away." He says with a huge smile.

Faking a laugh, "You think?"

"Take a seat we're getting a little of a late start." He stops and grasps my arm and pulls me in saying, "Henry has you a place up here.....I think." Not wanting to be in front of everyone.

Father Pat Grange my secrete confessor....my salvation and conspirator in my escape. I simply smile because he more than anyone knows about me.... all of me...everything. He says I'm not broken or bad or evil or unloved.....sounds silly. I don't even think about what he knows. He and Mary let us stay at their house. We have dinner with them and the boys. There is no doubt what we are.

I'm comfortable in the back by the exit, but on my left, I can see Henry heading my way. He's intent on including me. Alan stay calm.

"Hey, come up here?" it's a question he asks not a command.

"K, ...lead the way, sir."

This is my first time at Chapel. I take that back I came one time before, but I left because I had puke on my shoe. I'm sandwiched between Henry and Tom. Tom acknowledges me with a nod. I wonder if Henry identified me as a charity case and that's why he's nice. Father Grange standing before the congregation gathered in the lobby of Fab raises his arms and begins, the service. I'm lost in the familiar words...the responses I've made for as long as I can remember. I know exactly where we're at in the service. I think of how many of us gathered kids grew up hearing and parroting these words.

"We have Henry Case playing for us today...again. Welcome him." Father Grange's introduction has Henry wiping his hands on his pants. I can feel his nervousness. I put my hand by my side and pat his leg. Henry is standing moves to take his place before the congregation on a stool with his guitar. He takes the posture I've seen before when he plays. Head down slowly music begins it's a bit of the Canon in D.... such a cliché. In moments it slides into Peace Train...how my mom would love that. I'm sure hippy Pat is all in it.

Henry opens his mouth singing. I'm surprised by my emotions and feel uncomfortable being in such a large crowd. I lower my head and just look at my shoes. It takes him a couple of words to get the volume and emotion just right. Once he feels secure, he raises his head. The finish is happy, upbeat, and loud. I look at his smiling face and realize that I'm smiling as well. Returning to his seat, Tom leans across me and shows his approval. Henry puts his hand on my knee.

Chapel ends. I'm still seated, unlike Henry whose popped up and making the rounds. I need to get my backpack. I go through the door leading to the steps that take me away from all this. I'm back alone climbing empty stairs to walk empty halls returning to comfortable surroundings.

"God....Damn...It....." Henry says each word hitting the last syllable hard. I don't bother turning. "I'm ready to get out of here...what about you?"

"Yes, I got to be free," I say as I turn and find Henry, Tom, and a girl.

"We're going to lunch at the Grange's," Tom says. I'm just starring. I've never spoken ten words to Tom.

"Oh, sorry, this is Celeste she's from Ottawa," Henry says. I've slipped into an alternative universe. Henry's just smiling.

"Ok, hello Celeste.....so lunch? "I say still not sure what the fuck is going on, "GIve me just a couple of minutes to put some stuff away." Henry follows me inside.

Henry has the most mischievous facial expression. "Come here" he commands as he shuts the door.

"Yes, sir, "I say.

Henry reaches for me burying his face in my neck...I jump, "That tickles buddy."

"You've not said anything about my performance...as you may already know the reviews are very positive."

"You are very good...in many ways...I'm sure Pat loved your choice." We separate and open the door to go to lunch. Off Henry and Tom go talking about something. I'm not doing a good job of focusing. So, I begin to notice Celeste talking it takes a moment to tune her in.

"Henry is so funny...he's got a lot of energy. Not sure how you handle him."

"Handle him?" I ask

Celeste smiles. "It's cool I know....I didn't believe when Tommy told me.....Henry is mad for you."

So, Tom and this Canadian chick know Henry and I are whatever....I don't know what we are since we've never really called each other anything. And, she's talking like some old movie.

"Buddy....hey Henry....stop for a minute I got a question?" getting Henry's attention.

"What's up.....b..u..d...d...y..?"

"What the fuck?" I say not too loud.

"Celeste you hooker....Yes." Henry responds.

Tom comes around and puts his arm on my shoulder. "It's good...ya'll are safe with us," Tom explains.

"Sorry Tom but Henry and I had an agreement."

"To be fair...Tom already knew when we reached that agreement," Henry says.

"This is great....double dates," Celeste says.

"Agreement is what I'm fine with, and I'm not fine with this...not double dates, not Miss Canada, not any of this...Goddamn." I turn and begin the walk back to the safety of the dorm wondering how long this place will be safe before they come for the fag.

Hurt is this what I'm feeling or is it just me not wanting to lose control. If Tom knew everything why not tell me? I veer to the studio. I'm going to lock myself in and let go. Build something and tare it down...over and over until I don't feel any more. I lean on the bathroom door as it opens I hear the familiar drip that is heard but never seen. I'm standing at the urinal looking at the scribble in the grout. Someone has taken the time to leave a note about looking for a good time. There are directions, but seem to have been scratched out and replaced several times. I zip and wash. For one moment I think about my tool in my backpack. I need to, but I'll wait.

I round the hall with keys in hand to unlock my space. They're looking at the door is Tom. He spins when he hears me. I have no place to run. I stop.

"Listen Henry is my friend, and it pisses me off that you fuck with him. He's not like you...he's social. I don't care if you two suck dick take it up the ass dance around the room in pink leotards understand this I DON'T CARE...I do care that you hurt him. Henry is good, and for some reason he likes you. If you don't or can't like him tell him.....I feel like shit cause I believed in you...I thought...I just thought you wouldn't act like this....you don't think those other guys Henry hangs around don't know about you two? Do you see him when he sees you? Fuck dude....they might joke about it when he's not around, but they would never say anything to him...dodon't you think they've tried to set him up...always an excuse...Henry has to turn down pussy all the time...understand it's you...It's not for me to understand...Cut him loose or grow the fuck up and be a human.....no one is sitting around talking about you.....no one knows anything about you...you hide right here...this place.....what I know of you is all hats and horns because that's all Henry's got to say....please dude...come on have a heart...live."

Not sure how to respond. I do want Henry..but. "I...no um...not everyone moves at the same speed....Henry said he understood this...thank god he has a friend like you but in everything you said...I agree with you...I should let him go....because I need time....I asked for time....that's something that he doesn't understand....he said he did, but it's not his nature.....he wants everything now..... I do like Henry...for all the reasons everyone else does....but I can't live like that right now. In everything you said you're telling me how to be...I wish I could....I really do...please, can I get in.?

Tom moves from in front of the door. "I'm sorry....Alan...Henry's my friend...I...just wanted."

"It's ok...I'll talk to him later.....I'll explain...I won't tell him we talked..."

"FUCK...I fucked this up bad."

"No, you didn't...I did, and the worst is I knew better....I tried not to." I say shut the door.

Closing the door, I collapse. I keep thinking of having to tell Henry we can't. Why couldn't I have had a little more time? It's all I wanted. I cross the room and locate a drop cloth placing it on the floor. I sit and then stretch out locating my Walkman I put the earbuds in and use the backpack as a pillow. I lie there in the sun being comforted and lulled to sleep by Morrisey.

I'm being shaken. "Alan...wakeup," it's Henry, "What are you doing....I've been looking for you buddy."

It's dark outside I have no idea how long I've slept. "Hey, I decided to take a nap. How did you get in?" I say.

"I found a kid that had a key...said I had left a book."

"Oh...." I'm sitting returning stuff to my bag. I fell asleep too quick. I hadn't reached any conclusions about what to do with Henry. He's rubbing my back.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah....listen sit down please," deciding to wing it.

"I don't want to hear this," he sits.

"I'm sorry.....why?...you could have told me...given me a heads up....this seems like a simple thing... it's not for me.... I asked...you said you wouldn't.....I'm sorry I don't move as fast as you.....I really wish I could. You're good Henry...I know this....but.....I came here not good...really broke....that's not a joke.... Everyone...everyone except my uncle abandoned me. I lost all my friends, my home, my family....everything...that's no exaggeration. I've spent the last year trying to pick things up.....I've never been this alone.....or ......not sure."

"But....I was...." Henry begins.

"I know....it's not you....not at all.....I made a mistake....I thought I was ready for the real world.....I'm sorry I did this to you, Henry." I finish.

Henry is looking at me without a smile. HIs eyes are full of water. "My turn?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry about Tom....he knew without me saying....wanted to know if it was different when two guys like each other than when he likes a girl. I told him not really....I said you just have the added worry of not knowing if the other guy is gay or not....I remember what he said a word for word.....he said 'How did you know Alan...what did you notice first?' I froze.....we talked about being friends, and how friends stick together....how, he didn't care....if I had to listen to him talk about Celeste I should be able to talk about you....it felt good. I would never have said anything if it meant losing you..."

There's nothing I can think to say. So, I just lower my head. Henry puts his arms around me and squeezes tight. With my head on his shoulder, I cry, and Henry holds tighter. He doesn't make any noises. There's nothing to be said. I'm not even sure why I'm crying. This is who Henry is. The guy that doesn't run away that doesn't try to fix. He just is present. I want to trust him so bad. I do.

"I know you don't trust Tom...he is good...he told me you talked...he said it was all his fault....Celeste cried.....got mad at him....he is a friend.... if he didn't care or couldn't be trusted he wouldn't have done what he did....please Alan.....I don't want...please just let this happen...go back to the way it was before...."

I begin going over everything in my head. Things move fast. I know that in the end I will be left alone. I try to push these thoughts out of my head. I tell myself I'm overreacting. Is Henry this kind because of his upbringing? Would I be different if my parents loved me? How do I become nice?

"I can try....I'll apologizes to Tom and Miss Canada," I say. We kiss. Some fears have passed but not all.

"Well, we're sleeping in my room tonight....Tom's staying with Celeste."

"Really...ok...can I bring mix-tapes...what time is it?"

"It's 8:50....hey so, the last thing....Tom is upstairs on the porch...wants to make sure everything is ok."

"Ok...do I have to do...something..?"

"No...he just is making sure he didn't fuck up."

We begin our exit of the FAB. Rooms are darkened and locked. We enter the lobby/chapel and cross to exit. Henry stopping takes my hand pausing a moment. He turns and smiles.

"I'm good...thanks, "I say.

"Just checking buddy."

Tom is sitting propped against one of the large columns that hold the building up. "Hey....everything cool," he says to the two of us.

"Yes,....I'm sorry about the drama...thank you, Tom," I say.

"I'm sorry....I'm just glad you guys are cool," Tom says as he gives me a man hug and pat on the back.

"Hey...Celeste and I are going hiking tomorrow and then eating at this Mexican place in an old house on the river that doesn't card....you guys in?"

"Maybe..." Henry says.

"What time are you taking off?" I ask.

"10:00-10:30....be out front here if you want to trip with us," Tom says.

"Cool....have fun and be good tonight...young man," Henry jokes.

"The same to you both...tomorrow." Tom takes off across campus disappearing into blackness.

"Are you tired?" I ask.

"Not really...I'm just cold...damn."

"What do you want to do?"

"I'm hungry as hell...what about you?" he asks.

"Yes,....I'm starving....I've some freezer instant stuff in the room."

"We've got sandwich stuff...I know....dinner?"

"Yes...."

Sitting in the floor playing Mario and listening to Patti Smith, Television, Talking Heads, etc. we are removed from what happened earlier. We are relaxed.

"Damn damn damn," Henry says a little too loud as he throws the controller down. "How the fuck you beat me again."

"Had a lot of spare time to learn this game."

"No shit."

There is silence as Henry swings around to scoot closer to me.

"Yawning so early in the evening?" I say

"Not too early it's like 1 am.....is it time to turn the lights off and cuddle?"

"I can get with that but first bathroom breaks and teeth brushing."

I go first and make it quick. When I return to the room, Henry has made us a bed on the floor and lit some Christmas lights. The multicolored blinking is a nice touch. We kiss before he opens the door to exit.

"Minty fresh." He smiles

I swap tapes it's another odd mix. All Georgia bands are playing their best. The first song is from Love Tractor followed by Pylon's Crazy far superior to R.E.M's..sorry it has to be said. Henry opens the door on me seizing as Vanessa bellows "Because the earth is shaking." He steps in and begins to dance as well. As the song ends we collapse on the mattresses laughing.

We fall into our normal routine kissing moves into heavy petting followed by one of us taking the plunge and putting a dick in our mouth. We take turns blowing each other...going back and forth making our version of sex last as long as possible. Everything ends, and we hold each other.

It's light outside too bright for my taste. We are going hiking today with Tom and Miss Canada. I know the Mexican place Tom was talking about last night. I've been there with Mary. It's going to be a little uncomfortable today because people will want to ask questions and I may have to join a conversation.

I fully open my eyes and notice it's 9:56 fuck maybe Henry has decided not to go. This is barely thought before I hear Henry say, "Get up."

"I know....."I yawn.

"We're going right?" Henry smiles.

"Yeah....let's go spend Saturday wandering in the woods."

"Don't forget there's a river....." Henry still smiling looking directly at me.

"Let's do this!"

We separate and go our ways to get ready. Tom + Celeste. Henry + Alan. Go out to hike. No one dies. No one gets lost. No one is going to run off. This is my mantra as I get ready....lots of deodorant, bandana, top the t-shirt with a button up flannel.

We meet up with Tom and Celeste, and the four of us embark on a trip into the Northeastern Tennessee mountains. It's fall, so everything has a dusty grey-green coating. This only heightens the blue of the sky and the river. The crisp air also expands one's senses. It is a great day that's full of laughter and silliness. It all ends pilled back into Tom's Nissan back at school on the daycare's playground.

"Taco Bell...a truly American thing," says Celeste. "Yes, it is and how glorious it is," laughs Henry.

Tom and I just look on. It seems as if Henry and Celeste are the comedians of the group while Tom and I play the straight men. I know their's a joke here somewhere, but I'll wait for one of them to make it.

"So did you have a good day?" Tom asks me. "Yes I did.....I'm glad we decided to join up." "Just want to add.... no shit.... you guys are safe with us....we can do this more often...." "I'm going to try to be more social for Henry's sake and not be too worried about what others have to say......it's still new, and I worry." "No need for that....I told you that Henry isn't going to let anything happen to you....I'm sure he told ou that as well.

"Hey! What are you two talking about.....?" Henry shouts. "Talking about how silly and moronic you two are," Tom replies, which makes Celeste and Henry breaks out laughing again. I wonder what they were talking about. The day ends with Henry and I walking back to the dorm. I remind him of Sunday's game plan. He says we should get some previsions, so we don't have to leave except to use the bathroom. Agreeing with decided what was needed.

"You know that Tom doesn't understand the fact we don't fuck?" Henry says as we load down the minifridge with supplies.

"No, I didn't know that was a topic you discussed."

"Well, he wanted to know how sex was and when I explained he was surprised."

"Henry, is this your way of getting me to fuck you?"

"No....I mean do you want it to be?"

"Buddy, what do you want?.......don't let someone else push us into their definition of sex."

" So what if I want you to fuck me and I want to fuck you.....is that bad?.....it's not like I don't enjoy what we are doing now.....just I want it all" Henry explains.

"Fucking doesn't make you queerer."

"I know.....what was it like for you? Was it something that you wanted?"

"Yes, I thought I did at the time.....and there's nothing wrong with it......I just don't know if I'm ready to let someone fuck me and it wouldn't be fair for me to you and you not get the chance," I explain.

Things go silent for a little while. Henry goes next door to get something, and I go take a shower when I return Henry's heading to the showers. We smile as we pass in the hall. I doubt we are fooling anyone on this floor. Back in my room I turn on the Christmas lights and make a Celeste, diet Orange Crush and tequila.

"Do I get one of those?" asks Henry as he returns to the room clad in a towel. I notice he has put his clothes on Tony's chair. He drops his towel and smiles and winks. He goes to my chest and pulls out a pair of my boxers and pulls them on. "Something about sharing your underwear that keeps me at a semi all day."

"Here," I say handing him a drink. We settle on the floor realizing it is almost midnight. "I'm not tired what do you want to do?"

"20 questions?" Henry says. "O.K. but no sex questions." Henry sighs. "Not at the start but we can end on a few sex questions," Henry says as he tickles my ribs.

"Me first....what is the craziest thing you ever did while in high school?" I ask. "Senior year I shit in a bag with three other guys, and we threw in the front seat of this deputy we hated the car." "Follow up is why and how?" "So we do follow-ups now? We each took our turns, tied it up and poked holes in it before we slung it into the driver side window while he was in the Dairy Freeze.....shouldn't roll up the windows and locked the car.....My turn." "Yes your turn," I say. "Why didn't you tell me you used me in one of your prints?" I'm surprised by the question and not really sure what to say. "It is a secret. I wanted to see people look at it and not know what they were looking. It's not a secret from you.....it's a secret about you." "But it's called "Sanctuary"....I don't understand," Henry needing to know too much. "It's not.....it is about you and what you have done to me......it's about finding someone that makes you feel alive......that makes what happened before seem like a nightmare......" Henry leans over and kisses me. "What if I told you you are my sanctuary.....and that all my worry and pretending falls away when you and I are together?" Henry says. "I would say.....I'm not sure what to say to that Henry.....how did you know I used your picture in that work?" "I know what I look like......and I remember the day that you took a picture asking for my profile."

We continue to kiss bringing the game to an end before we delve too deep into my sex life. Henry is getting worked up. His breath is ragged, and he's hard and bringing me to there too.

"Allan, .....fuck me.....you fuck me....please....Allan," Henry pleads. I breath all the air in my lungs will take and slowly say, "Yes." Henry stops and gets up and finds his bag.

"I've been carrying around this kit for weeks in hopes some fucking would happen." Henry opens up a little paper bag with condoms and single lube packs. "Come here......here are the rules....1. Let's not say fucking.....2. Don't talk so much...I know you're nervous so let's relax....3. Let's go smoke this joint, so we both relax....4. all you have to say is stop. "Where are we going to smoke?" "Let's just go for a walk down by the soccer fields," I explain.

We head out the door. There's still a fair amount of people in the lobby and hanging outside the dorm. We turn left and head across the dark campus over past the library through the parking lot where I've sucked a couple of dicks and onto towards the athletic fields. We smoke half the joint before we head back. Henry is chill now, and very talkative this pot thing may have been a bad idea.

"I have to piss," Henry says a little too loud as we open the third-floor stairway door. "K...go piss buddy." Back in the room I make the bed and find some music. What would I want to here on my first time? I choose Psychocandy... Henry comes in fresh from his bathroom break. "Henry we are going to start very slow....I want you to listen to me......I'm not going to hurt you but it may hurt....at any time you just have to say stop.....o.k. Buddy," I say. Henry replies without using words he just takes off his clothes and moves towards me. We kiss.

I put Henry on his back in the bed. I get between his legs. I start kissing his mouth and neck moving down slowly to his chest being sure to stop and show his nipples some love. I kiss his outie belly button and touch his cock. I kiss it and squeeze his balls as he likes. I lick the head before I put it down my throat. This move always drives Henry crazy....I love feeling him flex his dick in my throat. He's giggling as I kiss his balls. I lick under his sack and slowly brush his hole with my thumb. He immediately tenses up. "Relax," I whisper as I lick my finger to attack his hole again. I have my mouth back on his chest he's signing "Just Like Honey"....he's breathing easy, and I have my middle finger in his ass. "That's it, buddy, just stay relax." This goes on for some time. I add a finger and take a finger away he's calm and leaking precum all over us.

I'm so hard it hurts. I remove my shorts and get on my knees. I grab a condom. "Can I put it on?" Henry asks. "Sure have you ever put one on before?" "On myself a couple of times." "Good job," I say as he rolls the blue condom on my cock. "This is it are you sure?" "Yes...." he says as he pulls me close so we can kiss, "Just do it.....please." I put Henry's legs on my shoulder and add lube to both of us. I place the head of my dick at his hole and slowly press. "push like you have to go to the bathroom." I pop in as he sucks in air. Stopping I ask, "are you ok?" "Yes don't stop," he says as I notice his look of concentration. I take my time and get all the way in. It's a miracle I didn't cum, and it's all I can do not just to fuck away, but this is Henry, and I can't do that. I stretch out and line up with him so we can kiss. He's chewing on my neck and shoulder. "Fuck me, Allan," he says. I pick up the pace making sure to notice if Henry is a pain. I look down looking for how we are connected and Henry cums. He's biting my shoulder. It takes very little time for me to fill the condom full. I slowly pull out and get up and take the condom off.

"Come back to bed," Henry begs, and so I do.

Waking in the morning, we are stuck together. I have an urgency to piss, and so I untangle myself and head to the bathroom. Henry's in the same position he was in when I left. I leave him a note telling him I'm going to get us breakfast. What I'm really doing is going to see Mary.

I find her in her little garden getting rid of all the dead plants and weeds. She waves me over.

"We missed you at lunch Friday," she says.

"I apologize.... I was a little over the top drama."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm still living in the past with John....I can't seem to stop even though Henry is not John."

"Well....you've been through a lot. I know you feel you lost a family and a home and in many ways you did....but you have your uncle, and he cares very deeply for you....if he didn't you wouldn't be here...and I hope you know you have us."

"I'm just so scared of acting out again.......I don't want to kill myself any more...and most days I feel good."

"See you are making positive steps....and I think Henry is a part of that.....so try to relax a little more and don't anticipate so much....how much does Henry know?"

"Very little and he doesn't ask,"I say

"Allan, are you still hurting yourself?" I was not prepared for that question. I'm not sure what to say, and so I just come clean.

"Not so much....maybe once a week....I have talked it over with Pat....I'm working hard on pushing those thoughts out of my head."

"And you taking your meds?"

"Yes....I never miss."

"Well, all sounds good keep up the work....want some breakfast leftovers?"

"Yeah but can get them to go? Henry is in the room."

"Oh well that means you're going to need some coffee....you can borrow a thermos."

Mary and I move inside to gather food up and make some coffee. We continue to chat and talk about everything that's happening. I head out the door loaded down going back to have breakfast with a boy named Henry.