Blue

Chapter Twelve

Hero

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I spend all of Saturday in bed. Josh asks if I need anything and I politely decline. He goes out with his friends and lets me know he will be gone till late tonight. A couple of times I wake to a knock at the door, but I can't bring myself to answer. I'm not in the mood to talk to Henry or anyone. I have a lot to think about. My music is my only friend today.

Again with this knocking. "Alan, let me in." It's Tony. What could he want other than to tell me he's called the law and I'm moments away from being arrested? I pull myself up to answer the door.

"Can we talk another time, please?" I ask as I open the door.

"I wanted to make sure you're ok and to say I'm sorry is all. I'll leave you alone," Tony says.

"I'm fine just really tired. I do want to talk can we do this tomorrow afternoon?"

"Yeah come find me." He walks away as I shut the door. I almost make it back to the bed before another knock comes. This has to be Henry.

"Yes," I say opening the door to Henry who pushes his way in.

"Say I want to believe you that you're not going to hurt me again. You can't make a promise like that. I can't expect you to keep some all-encompassing promise. You can't expect me to. Remember when you told me that if we called it quits, we wouldn't hurt each other on purpose?"

"Yes, that was me. I think I said no revenge."

"Do you want to end it now? Do we, before we hurt each other more?"

"I don't. We can get past this, please." I say.

"I don't think I want to break up either. I made assumptions about this relationship. I expected things that we had not discussed, and that's wrong. So, we are going to have this talk now."

"Ok," I'm not sure where any of this is going, but I'm going to hold on. It sounds a lot like Celeste.

"First, we never said we couldn't date, see, kiss, or blow anyone else. We never had that conversation."

"No, we didn't."

"For this to continue do we both agree that we are exclusive meaning we don't see anyone else?"

"I do."

"Me too. Second, if we want to be with someone else, we let the other person in this relationship know. We just say, dude, there's this guy, and he cranks my chain, and it's cool we can agree what the next step is." This is the old Henry the funny guy who makes me smile and laugh.

"Next steps?" I ask

"Do we break up, do we get to do the other dude, do we invite him over, the next steps."

"I guess I can agree to that."

"Third, There's you, and there's me, and that's it. That's the way it is right now and until we decide differently."

"I can agree to that and also let's forget about number two. It's too complicated. And isn't three the same as number one? I love you."

"I know you do and for better or worse I love you," he says as he smiles at me for the first time in days.

"Ok come to bed," I say in a begging tone.

"For a little while." We cuddle not talking much. I do get out of Henry that he had discussed everything with Celeste who seems to have taken my side because Henry never asked for relationship specifics. Now we have that cleared up it doesn't make me feel much better. I knew what I was doing was wrong. It wasn't all about getting pot; a large part was how bad it made me feel. I look for things to make me feel shitty.

Sunday is nice and bright. I feel good compared to most of this past week. I have to figure out what to do about my biology exam. There's no way I can pass the class with a zero. I should have sucked it up and took the exam. I was a baby.

Tony is sitting in front of me telling me why he thinks he's gay. I give up I don't know if he is or isn't. I know that this is something he's not very happy about and is unable to have a real talk. "Does it matter if you are?" I ask.

"Well, does it matter to you that you're gay?"

"I like queer because of its first meaning, and it describes me better, and yes it does matter to me."

"I need to know who, what I am."

"What if you're Tony and you're a little messed up right now. Ask the nurse for a referral to a therapist or see if Father Grange can chat. This is above my abilities. I'm sorry, but I don't know what to tell you. I understand if you don't want to be gay, but I don't think that's going to change anything."

"If you could tell me how you knew, it would be a big help. I'm not sure I want to talk to anyone else, and I don't think any of those folks could help."

"Tony, I knew, and I don't know or can't put it into words. I didn't even know it was a thing or had a name. I knew I was different," I say stressing the importance of knowing at a young age. "Just because you and your cousin played around, I don't think that made you gay even if you liked it. Boys do things like that even when they're in college." He's silent for a while.

"Thanks for listening, I may see about talking to someone else. I don't know."

"I'm sorry about the other night when I hit and forced you. I was angry, and I understand if you need to tell. I feel horrible."

"I haven't thought about it. I deserved it."

"No, Tony you didn't I was wrong, and I'm sorry." I am sorry, and I'm shocked that I did something like that. "I'll try to help you any way I can. I just think you'd know if you were gay. Do you want to be gay?"

"I don't know. I know I want to know what I am." He stands and focuses on his shoes. "Thanks, it means a lot that you take the time to talk to me."

"Not a problem. Let me know if I can help further."

"Thanks," Tony says lost. I stay seated and watch Tony exit the student center. There's a part of me that can't understand what he's going through. But his relationship with his cousin seems more than he's let on. At least I had John when we were figuring all this stuff out. Did I make John gay or did he do all that stuff to keep us close? What if John isn't gay? I remove this thought from my head. I don't think I ever want to see John again.

The rest of Sunday I spend reading and catching up on school work that was neglected during last week. Maybe, it's better if Henry and I don't spend so much time together. We or I need to spend time having other friends like Tony and Celeste. Tony is just a messed up kid like the rest of us and this includes Henry. We all have our problems, and it's not fair to choose which one is more extreme than the other.

It's Monday, and I've got an excuse from the nurse about having a stomach bug Friday and the weekend. This allows me to stay after class and take the exam before they are graded and handed back. I don't expect to do great, but at least it won't be a zero. I leave the exam heading to the student center. I have a little while until I meet Henry and Mary for lunch at the Granges. I'm nervous for the second time today. My stomach can't take much more of this.

"Hey, bud you want to walk with me?" Henry asks as he rounds the corner of the Post Office.

"As a matter of fact, I would."

"A thought, how many people on this campus know about us? Have you thought of that?"

"I bet it's more than we think and I'm not too sure I like that."

"Why does it bother you so much?"

"I worry that they're going to turn on us for some reason."

"I don't think there's anything to worry about. No one gives a shit what we do.

"Well since you don't have any experience with such things take it from me the people that are different bear the brunt."

"Ok, as for Mary, I think you should let me talk first," Henry says.

"That's fine you set this up," I say as we cross the street to the Granges. We head to the back yard looking for Mary.

"Hey, guys are you ready for lunch?" Mary says as she exits her studio.

"Hello, how are you?" Henry is the first to greet our host.

"What are you working on Mary?" I ask.

"I'm not sure yet. A couple of portraits I think," She says as she leads us into the kitchen. "I've got a salad in the fridge with all kinds of goodies in it."

"Sounds great," I say. She pulls the lunch out with our help. Henry fixes glasses of water as I set the table.

"So, I love the visit it's been a couple of weeks since I've seen you guys. What's been going on?"

"Well, we had a fight and one of us hurt the other, but we've worked through it and feel that we are in a good place," Henry providing an abridged version of what happened. I stay quiet, but I know Mary knows I did the hurting.

"That's very adult of you two. Everything can't always be perfect or happy. If you think that you're doomed." Mary gives us more advise most of it common sense, but still, it's good to hear.

"How are the boys?" I ask wanting to change the subject because I know she knows it is me who is the fuckup.

"They're boys still wild wanting to know when you two are going to be around again."

"We have lessons this week, and I'm taking them to the soccer game Friday," Henry says.

"They're always excited if you two are doing something with us. Thank you, guys, for that." We finish up lunch and say our thank yous and goodbyes. We walk back to the dorm with our normal banter.

"Thank you for not calling me out to Mary. I appreciate it," I say because I am glad.

"You're welcome why would I want to embarrass you or cause you pain. You do that enough on your own." I'm taken back by what Henry said. I stop in the road. "Sorry, I didn't mean it that way, but isn't it true?"

"I guess it is, it just hurt the way you said it is all."

"I'm sorry," he says as he reaches for my hand. I move away and decide this is the perfect time to go to the studio.

"I've got to do some work. I'll catch up with you later," I say as I part ways with him.

Tony is in the lobby waiting for Pat when I come in. He waves and says hello. I tell him I'm in the studio for a while if he wants to come to hang out. I'm not sure why I did that.

Working on getting some of my prints mounted Tony is keeping me company. "You remind me of the color blue," Tony says. "You're both happy and sad at the same time."

"Aren't we all like that?" I ask.

"I guess, but for some reason, it just seems obvious with you."

"Blue is my favorite color, and I'm not averse to listening to the Blues," I say trying to help him with his comparison.

"I'm going to go."

"Thanks for hanging out. I'll see you later." Tony leaves, but I hear him talking to someone probably Henry.

"Hello, mister," Henry says coming through the door.

"How are you today?"

"Good, are we still concerned with our orientation?" Henry joking.

"We didn't talk about that we were talking about biology and plans for next semester."

"That's good maybe he's chilling out."

"I think he has some family concerns and that's what's causing his issues."

"I can understand that, but do you think he's gay?"

"No, I don't. I think he may have participated in some group jerkoff or something and that's got him freaked out. I'm fine being his friend and doing what I can."

"He doesn't get that just because you took a ride doesn't make you a cowboy."

"That's how you're going to explain it?" I ask.

"Yeah, why not. Don't tell me you've never messed around with a straight guy; in fact, didn't you tell me you had?"

"Of course, some of us are more able to handle games than others."

"Maybe some of us know that it's all just games," Henry says.

"How's your day been?"

"Went and played ball with Tom and some of the boys and that's been about the excitement for me. Do you want to go eat with Tom and Celeste later?"

"That'll be cool."

"You still feeling good about everything?"

"Yes, are you? I'm not sure what changed; we just made sure we are both on the same page and want to continue."

"That's my take away," Henry says.

"I think you see me different now. I think our relationship is the same as it was."

"You may be right. I still love you and want to be with you, but this is my first relationship, and I'm learning."

"Than have a little more empathy for Tony, something is not right there."

"I'll do my best," He says as he moves in to kiss me. "You know this is what I look forward to every day."

"I look forward to it too, but wouldn't you want someone to be kind to you if you were confused about yourself? All I'm asking is for you to be a little compassionate and think how you would feel if you weren't so certain."

"I will. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have someone like you in his corner."

"Corner, closet, whatever, I'm concerned about him," which I am. There's something about his questions, his demeanor, how he won't look you in the eye that makes me question how well he is.

"I'm going to head out meet me at six in the dorm if you still want to go eat."

"I need to ask you something."

"Ok, what is it?"

"Did Tom ask a lot of questions about our sex life?"

"Not really. He knew I was a solid virgin so; I told him that I had lost it when we first did it."

"So, like no deep conversation about the how and the why of it all?"

"I'm not sure what you mean. Celeste asked who did who and I said we did each other."

"Straights only see sex as penetration. You told Tom before he would have considered you'd lost your cherry. You know how odd they are," I say.

"Well, there were no details. Celeste wanted some tips on sucking dick, that's how she said it. So, I did my best and told Tony he needed to tell her what to do if she's not doing it right."

"I was just curious is all."

"I'll see you for dinner." Henry leaves me sitting at the work table paste out, and borders cut I'm ready to finish my task before I get interrupted again. I turn music on and focus. By 5:45 I'm finished.

I have just enough time to change shirts and make it downstairs to meet Henry and Tom for dinner. This will be the first time since the drama that I've spent any time with Celeste and Tom. I'm a little nervous. In my room theirs a note from Tony that simply reads "Thanks for everything I'm not as strong as you. I wish I were. I don't think I can face living a life where I'm hated and without someone to share it with. I kissed you because I saw how easy it's been for you and Henry and that's something I'm worried I'll never have. Thanks for everything again. You've been a big help" I dismiss the note as Tony needs to take a break and understand that life is what you make it. If you say you're not going to have something, you're probably not on the lookout for it. If you're not careful you may miss it.

"Have you seen Henry?" Tom asks when I meet him downstairs.

"No, he told me to meet up at 6:00. He's probably with Celeste."

"That must be it. What's up with you?"

"Nothing much, getting caught up with work since I had a breakdown last week," I say deciding to get the subject out in the open.

"Y'all made it through, and Henry's seems better."

"I hope so. I was a dick head and shouldn't have hurt him."

"Listen, I don't know what happened because Henry didn't want to talk about it and I understand that. Just know that your boy is doing fine and that means I am too."

"Thanks that means a lot." as I say this Henry and Celeste pull up music blaring. It's odd hearing Depeche Mode this loud. Tom and I get in the car to go to dinner.

We eat at a pizza place enjoying the atmosphere and the company. We talk about summer break and the upcoming sophomore semester. It's nice having friends that you can talk with and have a good time. I look at these three, Henry, Tom, and Celeste and I realize how lucky I am. I need to work on getting Tony to be part of this group. I think he's given up on his other friends.

Celeste and Tom drop Henry and me off at the dorm. They said they were going to make-out or something. This gives Henry and me an opportunity to also make-out. This day is turning out to be pretty good.

"Here, catch," Henry says as he throws me the keys. "I've got to go to the bathroom. Put on some music." I unlock the door and realize I need to pee. I head out to the bathroom where I run into Josh. "Hey, roommate."

"How's it going? Do you need anything from the library? I'm headed out." Josh says.

"No, I'm good. I'll catch up with you later."

"Cool," and with that Josh exits the bathroom leaving me to pee alone. I assume Henry went to the end of the hall one. I make it back to the room and put a little Joy Division and relax.

"You feel good?" Henry asks coming through the door.

"Yes, I do. I'm going to change into something more comfortable. Why don't you do the same," I say as I head out the door.

"Yes, sir," Henry says laughing.

I don't seem to be able to get Tony out of my mind. I think what if that was Henry or me needing some guidance wouldn't we want someone to reach out to us? What if I hadn't been there for Henry when he was having family issues? I listened and talked to him. I'm going to see Tony. Henry may get a little upset, but I don't feel right about how our conversation ended or how the note read. Maybe all he needs is someone to be with him to help push the confusion, the doubts, and the loneliness away. Surely Henry can understand that.

"Henry, I need to go talk to Tony...,"

"This is our time we so seldom get to spend any time during the week with each other."

"I'm doing something wrong. He needs someone to listen and not talk. I think I've been too dismissive with him and I'm worried."

"If it were anyone else, I wouldn't care, but it's fucking him. I still think he's doing all this because he likes you. Do you like him?"

"It's not about that and no, of course, I don't, but he needs friends you can come with me."

"Please don't go, please. Do you have feelings for him? Is this the guy who called you a faggot that you're going to leave me for?"

"Henry, don't be like that. I helped you when you were sad and having family shit. That's all I want to do. Fuck you," I say as I leave him sitting on his bed. The last thing I hear is him slamming his door.

No one answers at Tony's, but I can hear music. I wonder if he's in there. I hang around waiting to see if anything changes. There's something wrong I don't know why I'm feeling this. I go to find the RA. It was the note that has caused me to feel so uneasy. I finally find the RA on duty who is reluctant at first but eventually agrees that it's not going to hurt anything to have a little peak.

The room is dark and smells odd. It takes a moment for our eyes to adjust. I'm the first to see Tony on the floor by a puddle of vomit. "Call 911," I say pushing the RA who isn't moving as fast as I would like him to. He disappears. It's as if I've left my body and am floating above the room watching the action. I'm over by Tony shaking him trying to get him to open his eyes. "Wake up, open your eyes," I say as I hit him on the side of his face.

"They're on their way. There's someone in the lobby that's looking out for them," The RA explains as he looks at what turns out to be an empty bottle of pills something that begins with an "s."

"It's going to be ok you stupid shit. You're not going to die," I'm talking to Tony as I look around and realize no ones in the room with us. I hear commotion in the hall, and the next site is two guys dressed in blue carrying tackle boxes coming through the door. They take Tony from me and lie him flat on the floor. After this, there are what appears to be a hundred questions that I can't answer. I just do my best and try to stay out of the haze. I remember my attempt and wonder if this is how it went.

I follow the gurney down the hall and out of the building. At a point, there is nothing else for me to do. I turn and am introduced to the Dean of Students who needs to ask me some questions. "Alan, how did you know this was happening?"

"I had gotten a note, and it made me feel uneasy."

"Can we see that note?"

"Can I say no?"

"We need you to help us. Tell us what you think is wrong."

"I'm not going to do that," I say not wanting to provide more information than needed. I just want them to tell me Tony is ok and he's alive. When I come out of the dorm's office, Henry is standing waiting on me. Considering our fight, I wasn't sure if I would see him.

"I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. I fucked up," he says trying to take my hand in front of everyone.

"I want to go to my room. Just let me be," I say when what I want is for him to put his arms around me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I know I need to get away from everyone's gaze before I break down crying. Henry follows me upstairs.

"I'm so sorry Alan. I should have listened to you more. Can I hug you?" I collapse into his arms hoping he'll squeeze life back into me.

No news on Tony and when I go to the dean he says he can't tell me anything. It's been three days, and I'm worried what if I didn't get there fast enough or what if he's brain dead. I just need some news. I'm going to ask Pat or Mary to take me to the hospital. It's a forty-minute drive, and I think they will. Instead, I ask Tom if I can borrow his car. He says yes and do I need someone to go with me. I turn him down. This is something I need to do myself. I take Tom's keys and make my way to the parking lot, but before I can get to the car Henry catches me.

"Let me drive; I won't bother you. We don't have to talk, but I think you need someone with you."

"I'm not in the mood to have another argument or spend time explaining things to you...."

"I know, and I understand why you have to do this let me be the driver. I'll stay in the car. I won't talk the entire way," Henry explains.

"Fine, do you know where we are going?"

"No, I figured we'd look for the hospital signs."

"Whatever, let's just go." True to his word Henry is silent while I sit next to him feeling tortured. I count up all the ways I could have done something more. I think that if I hadn't been so put out by Tony that I could have stopped this. I look down, and Henry has put his hand on my thigh. I wonder if he can feel the scars and scabs left from the last time I used the tool.

Henry finds the hospital without a problem I ask him to park and walk me inside because I feel like my legs aren't going to work. "I'm right here. I'm going to follow you," Henry says as he pats me on the back. We make it inside. I ask the woman at the desk if she can help me find the family of Tony Neals. She says she can't give us a room number, but she can call the family and have someone come down. I give her my name. Henry and I move over to the waiting area. In a moment she comes over with a piece of paper.

"The family has asked that you two go on up. Here's the room number," she says as she hands me the sticky note with 334 written on it. I hyper focus on getting to the elevator. You have to follow the blue arrows along the floor until you get to the right one. Henry presses the button, and we wait for what feels like hours but was more than likely thirty seconds. There are five other people on the elevator with us. No one talks or makes eye contact. Henry and I are the first to get off.

We step out into the hall, and it's vacant except for a statue of the Virgin Mary standing across from us. There are awful hospital odor and some distant noises, but right, where we are it, appears as a dead zone. "Alan?" I hear a lady say behind me. I turn as she wraps her arms around me crying. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. They told me you're the one who found him and got 911." It's Tony's mom who I'd met only briefly one time before. I didn't count on this on her touching me. I was dreading seeing any of his family.

"How is he?" I ask with a rasp. I'm scared of her answer.

"Doing good, ok I guess. We haven't talked about the hard stuff yet."

"Well don't run out on him no matter what that hard stuff is. He needs you more than you know." It's silent for a moment while I contemplate my remarks and tone. "I'm sorry. I've been in this situation without support, and it sucks," I say.

"He's my son no matter what," she says as she hugs me again. "I'm sorry no one was there for you." I hold on tight and maybe for the first time I appreciate this stranger telling me she's sorry. It does something to me, and I cry a little.

"Can I see him?" I ask as I wipe my tears.

"Sure, go on in." I pull away and realize that Henry has been holding my hand this entire conversation with Tony's mom. I don't care what she thinks or what anyone does either. I let go of his hand and enter the room.

"Hey," I say afraid of what I'm going to see. It's Tony in bed with his head back and eyes closed.

"Alan, I'm so sorry I did this to you."

"Stop it doesn't matter as long as you're ok."

"Thank you for finding me and saving me. I've been so worried about seeing you. If I would get to see you again."

I move closer to the bed as I do my best to erase my feelings of what I did. "It's all good as long as you're ok."

"I'm not sure what I am. I know I'm scared of what happens next."

"You'll survive. I did. I've been here right where you are, and it sucks but you move past it and somehow your life gets better."

"What do you mean?"

"Before I came to school, I attempted suicide too." Until recently I'd never said those words. I'd always alluded to it. Saying suicide makes me sick. Admitting to it makes me sicker. I want to apologize to my family. I need to apologize to myself. Maybe if I can do that, I'll stop hurting myself.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know. I'm not sure even now that I can handle being alive living like this."

"But you can. You can do this, and if you're gay, it doesn't matter. What matters is that once you let everything go you can begin to live and it will be so much better." I feel like I'm lying to him. I don't know if his life will be better. What I do know is that he'll be alive.

"You have someone that loves you. I don't think I'll ever be able to find that."

"I believe you have to just let it happen. I pushed Henry away because I didn't want to be hurt, but hurting is a part of life. It means you're alive. Hurting only lasts for a bit. Don't concentrate on that."

"I'll try. Thank you for everything. After what I did last semester I'm surprised you even talk to me."

"We all make mistakes. I make them every day, but I do my best to keep going."

"Will you come see me again?"

"Sure I will. Right now you have to concentrate on getting well and getting back to school." I reach out to take his hand. I remember only the staff touched me. I don't think my mom ever did anything like this when I was in the hospital. I hope Tony knows how lucky he is. I end up leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. I want him to know he is loved and cared about, that life is better with family and friends. "I'll talk to you soon," I say as I leave.

"You ok, buddy?" Henry asks as I exit room 334. Henry's been standing with Tony's mom. In truth, I forgot that the two of them were outside.

"I'm good. He seems good," I say covering my sadness as I turn to Tony's mom. "Thank you for letting me see him. It means a lot."

"Of course, he wanted to see you. He said he needed to apologize."

"It doesn't matter. I'm just glad he survived."

"For the record, it doesn't matter if he's straight or gay. I love him," Tony's mom says.

"Thank you again. We are going to head out. I told Tony I'd come back and visit."

"Please do, I don't know how long we are going to be here, but you're welcome. Can I give you another hug?"

"Sure." She reaches out, and I let her put her arms around me. It feels so good. It's nothing like a Henry hug. It's more fulfilling and makes me tingle.

"Thank you, Alan," She says as Henry pushes the elevator button.

Henry and I ride down in the elevator and leave the hospital in silence. He finally speaks after we get into the car. "I want you to know I love you and you're my hero."

"What? Thank you, but I'm not a hero."

"Everything you've been through and saving Tony you are a hero."

I reach for his hand as he leans in to kiss me. "I love you too." We drive back to school without much talk. I don't have a lot to say. It's funny being around Henry this much without him finding something to say. "Henry, I want you to know that I'm doing my best to stop hurting myself not only with the pencil but in what I think about myself. I'm going to work hard on forgiving myself and letting my family troubles go. I want to focus on school and you. Can you be patient with me?"

"Yes, I have been, and I will continue to be because I think you are one of the greatest people I know and because I love you."

A lot has happened this school year, and yet I survived. I might even say I excelled at it. I do feel good about all my relationships with the people who want me in their lives. I love Uncle Peter not only because he saved me, but he recognized I was worth saving. No matter what happens with Henry and me, I think we will remain, friends, the rest of our lives. The two of us get out of the car and walk into the dorm holding hands. Henry finally makes a joke, and I laugh as we take the stairs to the penthouse hand in hand.

So ends the tale of Henry and Alan. This was my first story, and I want to thank everyone for their encouragement. I know it wasn't perfect and I'm working on polishing it up. ---Keith

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. 1-800-273-8255 https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/