Here it is, all you readers out there. The last installment of Blind Faith, the final part of this story. I hope you've enjoyed reading it, so when you're done, don't forget to send some feedback my way at sam.dauson@gmail.com. Anything you have to say will of course be welcome.
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Author's Note: Whew... I never thought this story would get so long, or that I would actually manage to finish it if it did. But here I am, the final installment with me, ready to be sent off to the archive. It's been such a long and important journey in my life, one should never underestimate the power of a little diversion from the status quo, as writing this was for me.
Before I end the story, I would like to thank every single person who ever read my story, for being a member of such a fine community as this. It truly is a wonderful place full of wonderful people, and you all deserve to be commended. Extra thanks to anyone and everyone who took the time to write three words to me over the course of this series; it was you who gave me the support and motivation to see this story from start to finish. And that, my friends, is an invaluable gift.
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Final Chapter
The possibility had never once even crossed my mind. Evan was barely 17 now. I thought back to a point in time when I was 17. I had been lost, helpless, and had felt more unsure of myself than ever. What I would have given then to have someone to experiment with, to help me sort out my feelings and emotions.
That's when it hit me, when it really hit me. Evan had been a confused young kid when we met, not knowing quite who or what he was. And then I came along at just that moment, and to him, it seemed like the perfect opportunity for him to explore some of his homosexual feelings.
I was an experiment. I couldn't help but feel a little used and betrayed as the realization hit me, but I tried to tuck it away as deeply inside me as I possibly could.
"You're..." I leaned back against the wall for a little physical support. "You're not gay?" I felt like I should have been crying, but my eyes remained dry.
He shook his head, his tears flowing freely now. "I'm so sorry, Brian. I didn't mean to... I mean, I thought..." he fumbled his way around words for a few seconds.
I sighed. Though I was devastated, maybe a little bitter, I still couldn't stand to see him cry. The sight tore me up inside. Before I thought twice about it, I gently drew him into a hug, pulled him closely to my body. I was hurt, but I understood in way. I had been there, I knew what he was going through.
I held Evan for a long time, letting him hold me back. When he stopped and pulled away, I broke the silence first.
"Can I just ask, Evan? Did at least a part of you love me?" I felt the tears inside me now, finally ready to come out. But I held them back. "All those times you said it, did you ever mean it?"
He took my hand in his, looking down to admire the physical connection between us, before bringing his head back up to face me. "Every time," he said. "And I still do love you, Brian... God I really do love you so much... just not..." he paused. "I don't... can't describe it, Brian. I love you, but..."
"But you're not in love with me," I mumbled ruefully.
"When I left you guys on tour, came back to Colorado... I had so much to think about, ya' know? You were my first, Brian..." he paused, obviously more than a little more than uncomfortable on the subject. "But it didn't feel right. I mean, every time I kissed you..." he looked down again.
I brought one hand up under his chin, forcing him to look at me again, placing the other on his shoulder, and he continued.
"When we first met, Brian... I wasn't sure of anything. Straight, gay, I had feelings tugging at me from both ends. And then you walked up, and one side overpowered the other. But every time we kissed, every time we... went a little farther, I could feel that battle in me starting to reverse. Those little nagging doubts in the back of my mind got stronger and stronger... it was so easy to push them away, until I got back home. Until I didn't have the distraction of your or A.J., Nick or Kevin."
"When I got back home, I had a chance to really examine my life, the choices I made, and what I felt was right for me. My experiences with you gave me the references I needed to sort out some of the feelings I had been so tangled up in before we even met, Brian."
"And the outcome wasn't so favorable for you and me." I finished for him.
He shook his head again. "No, it wasn't. I've still got some thinking to do, Brian, but a relationship with a guy isn't something that feels right anymore. I don't... don't know how else to put it."
I took my hand off his shoulder. "I don't think there's any other way to put it, Evan." I turned around so he wouldn't see the tears that started to make their way down my face, but I knew hiding them from him was futile.
Instead of trying to turn me around, he walked around me, back into my line of sight. "Brian, please... I didn't mean to use you. I know that's exactly what it looks like, but... you helped me, Brian. In a way more valuable than you'll ever know. I wasn't out to get you, or anything." he stopped, not knowing what else could be said. "Just... just tell me you understand, Brian? I don't want to part ways with you hating me..." he trailed off.
I took a step towards him, and put my hand back on his shoulder. "I don't hate you, Evan." Managing a sad smile, I turned away from him, and moved for the door. There was little of mine in the hotel room, I could come back later that night and take what was left of mine, before I got on a flight back to St. Louis, to spend the rest of the delay with the other guys. "And as a fellow human being, who's not immune to confusion or mistakes himself, I do understand."
He looked down. "Thanks Brian. I... know that's more than I deserve."
I raised his chin with my hand again, bringing his eyes back up to meet mine. His black eye was healing well, I could see. "Not at all," I said. "You deserve the world babe. Always remember that." He looked down with his eyes, even though he couldn't move his head with me holding it in place. "So I guess this is it, huh?" I asked, my voice cracking a bit.
Evan stayed silent, his wet eyes focussed on the floor.
I swallowed hard and held back more tears. "I'm uh..." I looked down at the floor, then back up to Evan. "Gonna... go make my plane reservations."
He nodded, refusing to look at me. "I'm so sorry," he said, quietly.
I looked down at the floor again for a moment. Neither of us could bear to look at the other in that instant. But I knew that wasn't how it was supposed to be. I could have walked past him and out the door, but that wasn't how I was going to let things end. So I walked up to him and drew him into a hug, my mind noting against my will that it wasn't just a hug, but the last hug.
So I made sure to hold it as long as I could. "Goodbye, Brian," he said softly. I just grimaced at the words, rubbed his back a little, feeling a gentle wetness overtake my shoulder as his tears fell.
And then I let him go. And slowly walked out of the hotel room, closing the door softly behind me, looking back only at the last moment, seeing him standing there looking as devastated as I felt, to give him a small wave that he didn't return.
Evan was long gone by the time I returned to the hotel. I could tell because I couldn't find his scent on the air of the room. I chastised myself for being so pathetic as to even look for it. It was over and done, nothing would change, and I knew even in the hours immediately following Evan's revelation that the best thing for me to do, the only thing for me to do, was move on.
Desperately fighting the urge to cry, I picked my suitcase up off the floor and opened it up, grabbing the few things I had unpacked off of the bed and dresser, placing them carefully in my luggage.
It was underneath one of the only shirts I had managed to unpack that I found the note Evan had left, on a simple piece of the hotel stationary. Written in blue ink, endearingly malformed letters, splotched by two or three drops of water, tears.
BRIAN,
I'VE NEVER BEEN GOOD AT CLOSURE. OUR TIME TOGETHER HAS BEEN SO AMAZING THAT IT DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT TO END IT WITHIN AN HOUR'S TIME. I DON'T WANT TO GO, BECAUSE I WANT TO KISS YOU ONE LAST TIME, BECAUSE I WANT TO HOLD YOU FOR ONE LAST NIGHT, BUT MOST OF ALL, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE TO COME BACK HERE TO AN EMPTY ROOM.
BUT I KNOW THIS IS THE WAY IT HAS TO BE. I KNOW I'VE HURT YOU TOO MUCH ALREADY, TAKEN YOU SO MUCH FARTHER INTO THIS RELATIONSHIP THAN I EVER SHOULD HAVE GONE. AND I KNOW THE SOONER I'M GONE, THE SOONER YOU'LL BE ABLE TO START MOVING ON.
YOU DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME. YOU DESERVE A GUY WHO'S CUTER, SMARTER, FUNNIER AND STRONGER THAN ME. SOMEONE WHO IS ATTENTIVE, LOVING, THOUGHTFUL AND CARING. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHO THEY ARE. BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AND SUCH A VALUABLE GIFT AS THAT IS, WHOEVER YOU'RE WITH SHOULD KNOW NO LESS.
YOU'VE BEEN GONE 40 MINUTES NOW. YOU'LL BE BACK ANY SECOND. AND MY HAND IS CRAMPED AND I'M OUT OF STATIONARY. I'M SO SORRY BRIAN, FOR EVERYTHING. I WONDER IF, SHOULD OUR PATHS CROSS AT SOME POINT IN THE FUTURE, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO LOOK ME IN THE EYE. I HOPE SO, AND I HOPE THAT YOU SEE IN ME A BETTER PERSON THAN I AM NOW.
I WISH SO MANY GOOD THINGS FOR YOU BRIAN. I WISH YOU THE WORLD.
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU, FOREVER,
EVAN
I carefully folded the note and placed it in my pocket as the tears began to fall again. Everyone had told me that I would get burned by the fact that Evan was so young. I had always thought that they meant it would involve the police. But the real danger was hidden: his confusion, his self-doubt. He had presented himself as a young man, sure of himself and what he wanted. I took that on faith.
I packed the last shirt and zipped up the suitcase, set it on the floor, out of the way. I set my alarm clock in time for my early flight tomorrow, turned off the light, and crawled into bed. And cried, until the moment I feel asleep more than an hour later.
With sunglasses to hide my watery eyes, I made the flight from Colorado back to St. Lois. I ate my peanuts and paid the exorbitant amount for an alcoholic drink, because at that point, I really needed one. We touched down about two hours later, and I took a cab back to the hotel that management had directed me to.
At the front desk, they told me the different rooms in which the guys were staying, and gave me a key. When I got up to room I was told I was sharing with Nick, I found it empty. I knocked on Howie's door, the room next to mine, and there was no answer. I found everyone gathered in Kevin's room, eating Chinese food with the door open.
I stood in the door frame and surveyed the room for a moment. I didn't have the luxury of my sunglasses anymore, and knew my eyes probably still betrayed the fact that I'd been crying. "Welcome back!" Nick smiled as he noticed me. It only took him a second to ask the question I'd hoped he wouldn't. "Hey what's wrong?"
"Chinese food makes a terrible lunch is all," I replied, smiling dryly. "More of a dinner thing." I didn't want to lay everything out to them all at the same time, them all gathered together like this. But I didn't want to tell them individually, either. I didn't want to tell them at all. But I had to. "Evan and I... we're over." I said as plainly as I could. The less emotional I got here, the better.
Nick furrowed his brow, though it seemed no one else dare make a facial expression. "Bri, what happened?" He got up from his seat and came over to me.
As I looked at them all in the room, I couldn't bear to tell them exactly what happened. Couldn't bear to let the details of what had happened last night find their way into the public domain. I didn't want them to know. What would they think of Evan if they did? I didn't want them hating him, even if he wasn't here. And worse, what would they think of me? So blind and so used? I didn't want to feel as though I were either of those things, and knew that I'd find just that in their eyes every time they looked at me if they knew.
I swallowed hard, fiercely fighting back any tears. "Let's just say..." I paused, still maintaining my composure. "That... I wasn't the gu-- person for him."
They looked a bit puzzled, but had enough sense not to press for more details then and there. I knew I'd have to put up a bit of a fight on that front later, though.
I'd spent years with these guys, I could read them. Kevin looked somber, and I could see the words 'I told you so,' dancing at the corner of his lips. He'd never say it, but he was thinking it. Nick, standing beside me, wrapped his arm around my shoulder, as if to say, 'I'm sorry, B'. A bit of fire danced in Howie's eyes, upset at Evan without knowing quite why. They didn't actually speak, perhaps out of respect or shock. But I knew them well enough that they didn't need to speak.
But even after spending so much time with them, sometimes, one would manage to surprise me. I'd expected A.J. to grin, or maybe just to smirk, but something along those lines. But he looked at me, heavy and pensive, as though he were trying to feel my pain. "I'm sorry to hear that, Bri," he said. "I know we've had some tough spots these past few days, but I'm here for you if you need it."
I nodded my approval at A.J.'s support, silently thanking him, and we all stood there for a moment in silence. They were each wondering about the part of the story that I had left untold, I could tell. Nick leaned in close to me, looking me in the eye, and quietly said, "Maybe we can talk about this later? You can tell me what really happened?"
I thought for a moment, choosing my words. "I think," I said, breaking eye contact for a moment for fear that I would betray the truth, that he would see my pain. "That I'd really rather not."
When I looked back up at him, he looked a little surprised, maybe a little hurt, as the realization dawned on him that, despite our history, our relationship, as the pair of friends that shared nearly everything with each other, this was one chapter in my life he'd never quite get to understand completely. That no one would. But he nodded, and didn't say another word.
I squeezed Nick's shoulder, and gave the rest of them a sad smile. "I'll be in my room." I said quietly, and left them, all but Nick still looking rather stunned.
Slowly, I walked down the hallway and back to my room, let myself in, and closed the door behind me with a heavy sigh. Making my way over to the open bed, I flopped myself onto it face first, buried my head in the pillow, and let the tears come again.
'Never again,' I thought to myself, sadly shaking my head. 'Never again can I so blindly open myself to such hurt, to such disappointment.'
I've always been someone who believes in moderation, cautious and careful in his decisions. Some people say you've got to gamble big to win big, but that didn't really make sense to me, not in life, not in love. To expose such an incapacitating vulnerability, to throw your heart out to another person, on mere faith that it would be returned. And I had jumped right in, gambled big and lost big. 'Never again,' I repeated in my head. 'On blind faith.'
I let myself stay there for a few more minutes, crying, feeling sorry for myself, before I summoned up the strength to wipe the tears from my face with the intent to pull myself back together. After all, I only had the room to myself for so long, and didn't want to let the others see me wallowing, asking questions. And at the end of the week, we'd get a call to to put on another performance. Life would go on as it always had. I had to accept that. I had to embrace that.
And so I did. By some unknown miracle, I was strong enough to keep my broken heart from breaking the rest of me. Every night I thought about Evan, every night I cried; sometimes I thought I was getting better, sometimes I thought I was getting worse. But every morning I'd wake up and be able to pull myself out of bed, and that was all that really mattered.
So when four days after Evan left me in that hotel room in Colorado, the call came for us to put on our next performance, I was able to get out of bed. Was able to shower and shave myself, dress myself, run through my vocal exercises, and get down to the venue with the rest of the guys.
We opened with something that Kevin had written himself, that we'd practiced only a few times before and never made it to any CD. I don't remember the name of it, or even how it went, only that it nearly made me cry on stage, for the same reason that it likely didn't make it to any of our albums-- that it was so much like any number of our other songs: A slow, beautiful melody, with lyrics that told the story of a lost love. But I made it through that show, and I knew I would make it though the next. This was my life, it had been before I met Evan and would be long after he was gone. Loneliness, the worst part about being famous, was just a part of the deal.
That's it, guys. The end. It's over and done with. I hope everyone enjoyed the final chapter of Blind Faith. It's been a great run for me, and hopefully for all of my readers. I just wonder if there are any of you that stayed with me through the five years it took me to get it all out. Now that it's over, I'd love to hear what you thought of the story. Send your emails to sam.dauson@gmail.com.
There's not much more to say, I don't think. Again, thank you all so much. It's been fun guys.
Sam