Hello, everyone. :) I know it's been quite a while, but I've finally managed to find enough free time to finish another installment of my story. Thank you to everyone who sent emails, trying to lift my spirits and brighten my day as soon as you learned I'd be delaying the story. Your words of inspiration mean the world to me. :) And as for feedback on this installment, the address is sdauson@hotmail.com. Send away. ;)
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Author's Note: I'm back, huh? I think I hear the groans louder than the cheers, but that doesn't really matter right now. :) I'm in a good mood, so hah. :) Anyway, after a hefty delay, I hope not all of you have lost interest in my story. :) I've been working on this installment for a long time, so I hope you'll read it. And enjoy it. I think that's really all that needs to be said, so we'll move on. :)
And of course, I'd like to thank everyone once more who took the time to write to me over the past while, both via email and IRC. Your comments are greatly appreciated, and have helped me to find the inspiration to continue this story. :)
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 13
I woke up early that next morning. Evan's bag of ice had melted, and started to drip out of the poorly sealed bag and onto my leg, waking me. I found myself still wrapped around Evan, who was sound asleep. Carefully separating myself from him, I stood and stretched for a moment before taking the dripping bag and putting it in the bathroom sink.
Coming back into the main room, I noticed Nick's bed was still empty. I suppose he hadn't wanted to disturb me and Evan during the course of the night. He'd been such a great friend over the past few days, hell, over the past few years, and been more supportive of me and my situation than I ever could have imagined. I owed him quite a debt, that was for sure.
Looking at the clock, I found it to be only a little past 6am. Neither Nick nor Evan needed to be up that early, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. I'd gone to bed early enough the previous night to get a full eight hours of rest, which was more than enough for myself. So, thinking I might as well go grab some more ice for Evan, I quietly made my way out of the room, closing the door gently behind me.
The rest of the floor was quiet, just as I'd expected it to be. I had no idea when the others had actually gone to sleep, but I was betting it was later than I had. I'd known I had seen an ice machine in this hallway sometime earlier, it was only a matter of finding it again.
Today was the last day Evan would be with us here in Minneapolis, I couldn't ignore that fact any longer. It was also the day of our first of two concerts for the city, meaning I wouldn't be able to spend much of the day with Evan, with sound checks, a quick rehearsal, and pre-show preparatory matters. We couldn't leave him alone at the hotel, but even if he came with us, I wouldn't get to spend much time with him.
The cold bag of fresh ice in my hand, I headed back to the hotel room. The eerily silent halls and the soft yellow light of the lamps above made for an interesting atmosphere, to say the least. Making sure the door made no sound as I opened it, I crept back into our room, closing the door in equal silence behind me.
Evan was still on the bed, resting in what looked to be a comfortable position. There were no lights on inside the room, and I had only the soft glow of dawn to guide me around furniture and to the bedside. Evan let out a sad sigh below me, but remained asleep. I couldn't help but wonder what he was dreaming about. Speculate as to what was going through his mind.
I moved to the small refrigerator in the room and placed the bag of ice inside, not wanting to bother Evan with it while he slept. I closed the door and walked to the large window at the far side of the room. I peeked out through the curtains, looking out into the world surrounding the building, almost as if I weren't a part of it. Like I was looking into a snow globe.
It was a grey morning, if nothing else. It looked like it had continued to rain through the night, and there were puddles down on the streets below, a grey overcast coving the once blue sky. A dreary morning, seemingly manufactured to fit my mood. How could I ever have a relationship that my bandmates, my second family, thought was so wrong? And I knew Evan well enough already to know that if Kevin and A.J. disapproved of our relationship, he would only blame himself. I couldn't let that happen.
I turned away from the window, letting the curtains slide closed again, and back to face the bed. Evan had shifted, now lying on his right side instead of on his back, so that he was facing me. Almost as if he had been watching me from within his slumber. I'm sure he must have considered himself lucky and all, lying there in the bed of a Backstreet Boy, but he couldn't have felt as lucky as I did.
And that was a feeling I enjoyed. Fortune had seemingly smiled upon me most of my life, from my miraculous recovery from ventricular septal defect, to the success of the Backstreet Boys. But none of that seemed to compare to Evan. He filled every little void within me, every spot in which I felt something was lacking from my life. He made me more happy than I had ever been in my life. When it was just me and him, no one else mattered, nothing else in the world could get to me. For that time when we were together, I was on top of the world.
As carefully as I could, I snuck back into the bed. I just had to hold him, I needed to hold him. He'd need to get up soon anyway, so it wouldn't be so terrible if I did wake him. But I didn't, fortunately. I managed to get back into the bed, and wrap my arms around him without him stirring. He was warm, in sharp contrast to the colder air of the hotel room. I held him against me, sharing his body heat. I gripped him tightly, reveling in the feeling of his body against mine. And then pulled away.
If I knew a relationship wouldn't work between us, was it right for me to keep trying, to hold on? Was it right to keep Evan close to me, to keep him in the middle of such tension? I knew he'd criticize himself, even when he wasn't at fault. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd be better off on his own, away from my problems, away from the complications that I added to his life. He didn't deserve Kevin's accusing eye, or A.J.'s hateful words.
I looked over at his face. Even with his swollen eye, he was still a work of art. A living, breathing masterpiece of genetics, and overall, a wonderful person through and through. He deserved nothing less than to be treated as a treasure of the most valuable kind.
And for a time, he was mine. That's why, even after all that's happened since that morning, I still consider myself lucky to have known him. To have loved him. After all, to have loved and lost is better than to never have loved at all, right? And I most certainly loved Evan.
And I knew he loved me too.
But I couldn't have known what the future held at that point. So I stayed in that bed, staring intently at Evan's sleeping features. His eyelids moved, and came up halfway before closing again. The second time, they came all the way up. Lying directly in his line of sight, I was able to see every detail of his blue eye with crystal clarity in that second or so, before he pulled himself back quickly in surprise.
He propped himself up on an elbow and shook his head, almost as though it would clear that sleep-haze from his brain. "You scared me," he said after a second, a smile showing through his sleepy demeanor.
"Sorry," I replied, reaching out a hand and placing it on his shoulder, returning his smile. "Just watching you sleep."
"Just not so close next time, okay?" he sat up completely, and looked around the room for a moment, before looking back to me, the smile still on his face.
"You don't like having me be the first thing you see when you wake up?" I asked in mock hurt.
I'd meant it completely in jest, but for a moment, his smile faltered. It only took him a second to recompose himself, so quickly I wouldn't have caught it if I hadn't been watching so intently. "Just no so close," he repeated steadily. "Where's Nick?" he looked around the room again, making sure he hadn't overlooked Nick the first time, but still failed to locate him.
"I guess he just didn't want to disturb us last night," I replied. "He knew I wasn't in the best of moods when I walked out on their group meeting." I made the air-quotation marks on 'group' and 'meeting'.
Evan nodded. I'd told him the previous night that I'd come back just to be with him, but I think he knew better. "That was nice of him," Evan said with a smile. "I guess I could let him win a couple games of Rally Cross as a little 'thank you'."
"I'm sure he'll be pleased." I reached over to Evan's sitting form, and pulled him back down onto the bed, and into a half hug. "It's still early, baby. You don't have to be up yet."
"If my body didn't think I got all the sleep I needed, it wouldn't have woken me up, sweetie." he pulled himself back into a sitting position, and leaned back down to give me a kiss. And another. And yet a third.
"Somebody's frisky this morning," I said, pushing him off me with a grin. He landed at my side, and propped himself up on one elbow again.
"I haven't seen you in eight hours, I missed you." he smiled back, running his palm down my chest. "Is that really so terrible?" he asked mischievously.
"Well, we do have a concert tonight. That means sound checks, a rehearsal run through, all that stuff." his smile faded for a moment before I continued. "But we don't have to start with any of that until eleven this morning." I said, grinning.
I pulled Evan back down on top of me, bringing my fingers down his sides, and then back up again. He brought his head down and planted his lips on my own, locking us into a kiss. I moved my hand to his back, pulling him closer to me, rubbing his lower back, making my way up under the rear of his shirt.
Then, of course, came the knock on the door. Evan obviously hadn't been expecting it, as he nearly leapt off of me, as if he'd been bitten by something, and fell onto the floor. As disappointed as I was at being interrupted, I couldn't help but laugh as Evan turned red. "Who is it?" I shouted to the door. It made quite the difference whether it was Kevin or A.J. trying to gain access to my room.
"It's me," Nick called back. "Can I come in?"
I looked to Evan first, almost as if I wanted to get his permission before I told Nick he could enter. He just shrugged and smiled. "Yeah, sure, Nick," I said, not taking my eyes off Evan. "Come on in."
Evan got up from the floor before Nick could open the door, and took a seat on the edge of the bed, leaving considerable distance between him and myself. Perhaps he thought he could fool Nick into thinking we had simply been talking, I suppose. But his hair was ruffled, and his clothes were still messed up. Falling off the bed hadn't helped them straighten out, either.
Nick entered the room a second later, looking at Evan, then myself, and then Evan for a good three seconds. "Sorry if I'm interrupting anything," he started.
I couldn't help but laugh again as I stood up. "No, no," I grinned at Evan. "He just fell off the bed."
"Ah," Nick replied, still standing in the doorway. "So I can sit down?" he asked, indicating the bed. His smile had just a hint of mischievousness in it, making me wonder if he really did believe what I'd told him.
"Of course," I told him. "Welcome back, Nick." I moved away from the bed as he took a seat on it next to Evan. Opening the hotel room refrigerator, I took out the bag of ice I'd obtained earlier that morning and walked back over to the other two people in the room.
"I figured it was best to give you your space last night, B. You didn't seem too pleased with anyone when you left the rest of us last night."
"I appreciate it, Nick." I replied, smiling at him.
I handed the bag to Evan and sat down beside him, so all three of us were sitting at the foot of the bed, Nick and I on either side of Evan. Wrapping my arms around his mid section, I lied back, pulling Evan down on top of me.
"So you fell off the bed, did you?" Nick asked, grinning again, looking at the two of us.
Evan blushed again, and struggled to respond. "I... um, there was... I thought I saw a, um, spider on the bed."
Nick bust out laughing like he'd just heard the funniest joke of the year. Despite the fact that Evan had actually fallen off the bed, it was now evident Nick hadn't believed it for a second. "Uh-huh." he finally replied, still smirking.
Evan just shook his head and put the bag of ice up to his eye. "Fine, don't believe me then." he smiled, swinging his fist at Nick's shoulder. He was lying down, though, and he hadn't reached far enough. He hit nothing but air.
We sat in a calm silence for a minute before I decided it was time someone spoke about last night. Nick had come to make sure he still had a room to sleep in, but he stayed to talk about my abrupt departure of the meeting last night. "So what's going to happen with me and A.J.?" I asked, Perhaps a bit too cautiously.
"Kevin doesn't know what to do yet," Nick replied. "If there's anything that can be done." He made eye contact with me for a moment, just long enough to show me how much strain was being put on him. How uncomfortable he was with all the turmoil in the group.
"It's alright, Nick," I tried to comfort him. "We'll find a way around this, we always do." I looked to Evan. I should have seen the gears turning in his head, but I didn't. I moved my gaze back to Nick. "We always do."
"We've got a concert tonight," Nick said, turning to Evan. "I hope you plan on attending." he said with a smile, obviously trying to change the mood of the moment.
"If it's alright with you guys, sure." Evan responded. "All of you guys, that is." he added, putting emphasis on the all. He turned to face me. "I don't want to cause any more problems tonight."
"You're not the problem," I told him sternly. "You never were. And I don't want you thinking about it like that. If A.J. can't accept us, that's his problem, not yours." I let my face relax, and settled on a smile. "You're coming tonight, and that's final."
He smiled back, but it didn't carry to his tone of voice. "No, Brian. I'm not. Unless something is done, my presence there is only going to make things worse."
"Evan," Nick interrupted. "Brian's right, man. Don't let AJ keep you from our gig. As far as I'm concerned, you've got me, Howie, and Brian who want you at that concert. I'm not sure about Kevin, but either way he goes, the people who want you there outnumber the people who don't."
Evan let out a heavy sigh before responding. "I'm sorry Nick. I'm not going if it's just going to cause more problems, which it will if nothing is worked out with A.J.", his eyes shifted from Nick to me, then back again. "I'm not budging on this, guys."
And that was that. Evan had made up his mind, and made it clear that there was nothing neither me nor Nick could do to change it. Out of words to say, thoughts to vocalize, I simply wrapped Evan in a hug, holding him tight. But he didn't hug back. Nick tapped me on the shoulder before I was able to think about it too much, though.
"Sorry, Bri, but I didn't come in here just to reclaim my spot in the room. Kevin does want to talk to you, ya know. He would have come in here himself, but he didn't think he'd be greeted with the warmest reception. I don't think he really expected you to listen to my request either, but..." he trailed off for a moment. "Now's as good a time as any, Brian. I'll keep Evan company here, you really should go see him." he pleaded with his eyes for my compliance. It was obvious he wanted this situation resolved, and quickly.
I let go of Evan and nodded. "I'll be back in a few minutes, baby." he simply smiled at me in return, a hollow smile, not false, but lacking that certain zest that made it his unique smile. But it was a smile none the less. "I love you, Evan."
"I love you too, Bri." came the reply.
I stood to leave, and headed for the door, turning back to face my two companions once I'd reached it. Both were watching me intently, staring at me with their blue eyes, both sets riddled with concern. Nervousness. If I hadn't admitted it to myself before, I did then. This was a situation that had the potential to tear the Backstreet Boys apart, and end five careers.
I turned again, quickly leaving the room, heading down the hall for yet another talk with Kevin. The last time we'd had one of these discussions, he'd ordered me to stop seeing Evan. I could only hope that I wouldn't meet with such disastrous results this time.
Well, I hope Part 13 was an enjoyable read for you all. :) If it was, be sure to send me an email telling me all about it. If you didn't like the installment, go ahead and email me telling me why. And if your head hurts, well, take some Tylenol. The address is CBS... no, wait, it's sdauson@hotmail.com. So email away, folks. :)
Next installment in 10 days, guys, if all goes according to plan for me. :)
As of right now, I'm expecting part 17 or 18 to be the last. The story is still coming to an end, and I hope everyone has enjoyed reading it. I hope I can keep your interest until the final chapter. :) But if you are anxious to see what happens, email me. It might just make me write a little faster. :)
I think that's about all there is to say for this time. I've gotta run, anyway. :) So I'll talk to you all later, some via email, some via IRC. And if I'm not talking to you via either, be sure to send me an email, open up a dialogue. It'll be fun, I promise. :) So now I'll leave you to go read the better stories on Nifty. :) Bye for now, everyone...
Sam