Hey, everyone. I've gotten installment ten completed at last. :)Feedback is still scarce, but I'm still getting enough to keep me going. :) Please, please, send anything and everything you have to say about my story to sdauson@hotmail.com. I'll be watching my inbox intently, people. :) Anyway, I hope just because you're not sending email doesn't mean you're not enjoying my story, and even if that is the case, I would appreciate you letting me know that as well.
Disclaimers: This story is a complete work of fiction. Any similarities to real life or any person(s), living or dead, are entirely coincidental. This story is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of Brian Littrell, or any other of the Backstreet Boys. It's fan fiction, and is not based in any sort of reality. This story appears to be written in the first person by Brian Littrell, but in fact, this story was not written by Brian himself, or even by anyone who knows him personally.
If you are under the age of 18, or your local laws prohibit you from reading sexually graphic or erotic materials, please leave now. The same applies to anyone offended or made uncomfortable by stories involving consensual homosexual male relationships. Basically, if you continue reading, you are doing so on your own free will, and I cannot and will not be held responsible for any consequences.
Authors Note: Well, this installment is two days late, but again, it's on purpose. I've managed to move my story back into the Thursday update. Without school, I shouldn't have any problems getting installments out on time, so look for them every other Thursday. :) And again, this installment is the regular 20kb, even a little bigger this time. :) I don't think there's much more to say here, so I won't keep you waiting any longer...
As usual, a big thank you to those of you whom did write to me over the last installment. I'm pleased that I'm at least still getting some feedback. And for story recommendations, a few that I'm reading include 'The Project' by Ad, 'Brian and Me' by DLS, 'Studio in the Country' by Mike, 'Beneath it All' by Scotty, and a brand new story, 'Thou Shalt Not' by Billy. I suggest you give each one a look. :)
That being said, on with the story...
Blind Faith Part 10
Evan had already been up for some time before I managed to join him in consciousness, waking from my deep sleep. We were both facing East, and he was hugging me from behind, his arms wrapped around my middle. I would have thought him still sound asleep if he hadn't been humming softly.
"Morning," I said, still half asleep. I rolled over to face him, still in his arms.
"Good morning, sleepy head." he returned, letting go of me and getting up off the bed. He was already clean and clothed, ready for a new day. Being the light sleeper that I am, I wondered how he had managed to separate from me, go take a shower, change clothes, and get back in bed all without waking me. He must have been extremely careful to be able to have pulled it off.
"Yeah, yeah... If I recall, you got considerably more nap time than I did yesterday." I almost mumbled. I looked at the clock to find it only 8 in the morning, too early for me to be up on my last day off of the weekend. Tomorrow would be the first of two concerts in Minneapolis. I was still glad to be up early, though, it meant more time with Evan.
Church would be starting in not too long a time, but I wasn't even sure if I'd be going, anyway. Fans usually managed to find me and make a scene, despite their surroundings.
"I'm not accusing you of anything," he said playfully. "I think you're cute when you're asleep."
I couldn't help but smile at that one. "How sweet," I said, getting up of the bed. "Not meaning to be blunt here, but what the hell are you doing awake so early?" I questioned. He didn't have anything he needed to do, as far as I knew, and there was no reason for him to be up and about at 8am. I looked across the room to Nick's bed to find him still sleeping. The boy could sleep through a hurricane, though, so I wasn't worried about waking him.
"I practically slept all day yesterday," he said, giving me a funny look. "You may be able to sleep for 48 hours at a time, but not me." he smiled as I moved around the bed and came over to stand next to him.
"I made a decision last night," I began. He looked at me cautiously, hearing the tone of my voice.
"About?" he asked, simply.
I took a deep breath, and slowly exhaled. "I'm going to tell the rest of the guys." I paused for a second. "I'm going to tell them about us." I watched his face intently, waiting for a reaction.
"Are you sure?" his face remained expressionless for the most part.
I was expecting a bit more than 'Are you sure?', even just a little passion in his response, but I didn't get it. I had half expected him to plead with me not to, or something equally drastic, but none of that happened. I simply nodded my response.
"Do you want me there?" he asked, taking hold of my hand.
"If it's okay with you," I said, not wanting to force him into what would probably be a fairly tense situation. The rest of the guys were smart enough. As soon as I told them I was gay, the rest was sure to click for them, and all eyes would be on Evan. That's not a position I wanted to put him in against his will.
"Then I'll be there." he gave me a smile to show me he was up to the challenge, and that he'd be there for me. He had such a beautiful smile, one that even rivalled my own. He was such a great guy. I gave his hand a squeeze, and let go.
I'd decided that I'd at least drive down to the closest Church, and see if anyone had figured that I'd probably go to the one nearest to our hotel. Evan and I had never discussed religion, and now I needed to find out if he'd be going to Church with me. I thought about the best way to approach the question without flat out asking him. "You know I'm a religious person, right?" I decided I'd let him figure it out.
That was all the hinting it took, as a matter of fact. I've learned Evan caught onto things quite fast. He simply looked down at the ground, but that was about all the response I needed. He spoke anyway, though.
"It's... it's not that I don't believe in God," he started. "It's just that... well, I'm not sure what I believe. I didn't really grow up with a religion, my family never went to church. I... I think I'd just feel too awkward there. I'm sorry, Brian." he looked back up at me.
Again, I wasn't going to force him into any situation that he wasn't completely comfortable in. "It's okay, Evan. There's nothing to be sorry about, I understand." I gave him a reassuring smile, the same kind he'd given to me just a moment ago.
I left for church about an hour later, leaving Evan to play with Nick. He had expressed interest in Nick's Playstation before, and I had a feeling that's what they'd be doing. And that's how they were when I returned, both seated on the floor in front of the hotel's television, playing some odd Playstation game. As soon as I entered the room, they put down their controllers.
"Welcome back," Evan said with a smile. "I missed you."
"I missed you too, babe." I came over and kissed the top of his head. "Did you have fun?"
"I did." he said with another smile.
"No kiss for me?" Nick asked, pretending to look hurt.
"No," I told him. "Will a kick in the ass do?" I gave him my best 'innocence' smile, and came to stand behind him. I drew my foot back as if I were actually going to do it. I wouldn't have if he hadn't provoked me.
"You kick like a girl, anyway." he stuck out his tongue at me. He was sitting down, so I ended up actually kicking him more in the lower back than in the butt. Not so hard as to actually hurt him, though. "Oww..." he said, rubbing his back.
"Servers you right." I smiled, to which he stuck out his tongue again.
"Have you decided when you want to tell the guys?" he asked, withdrawing his tongue in a silent truce.
"Today," I said. "But not just yet. I don't think I'm quite ready." I tugged at my shirt a little.
"What do you want to do then?" Evan asked, standing up. He moved around me and gave me a hug from behind. If it were a simple hug, he would have let go, but he stayed there, latched onto my back. Not that I minded, of course.
"You two looked like you were having fun, I could just sit and watch." I offered. It wasn't exactly my idea of a good time, but I wasn't about to tear them away from their game. Besides, I had gotten up early, maybe I could nap for a few minutes.
"No, we were getting bored anyway." Nick said. "Evan's not very good at Tekken." he smiled when Evan poked his head around my shoulder to give Nick an evil look. "Let's go do something else."
"Is that okay?" I asked the person behind me, looking to the ceiling, since I couldn't feasible turn my head to face Evan.
"Only if you kick him again," he whispered into my ear. I happily obliged.
Nick eventually decided that we hadn't been to a mall in quite a while, and that it was about time we visited another. We were forced to spend too much of our free time indoors in an effort to avoid mob scenes, and it got annoying sometimes, to say the least. We were all new to the city, but with the help of a phone book, we soon found a mall not too far away.
With our glasses and hats, we took the short trip and looked around in a few stores for a while. Mainly by means of avoiding people in general, we managed to keep from being noticed. Nothing was purchased on our little outing, partly because cashiers were included on the list of things to stay away from, but we had fun. We even grabbed some lunch in the food court. It got us out of our room and killed an hour or two, which was always good. When we'd seen just about all there was to see, we headed back to the hotel.
Nick turned to me as soon as we were back at the hotel and inside the elevator. "You wanna do it now?" he asked. Evan picked that moment to take hold of my hand. I looked over to him, to see if he had anything to add, but he only smiled.
I turned back to Nick and nodded my head. "I think so. I doubt I'll ever really be ready, but I have to do this. It's as good a time as any," I tried to smile, but it didn't come out quite right. My nerves were starting to get the better of me, in contrast to the carefree time we'd just spent at the mall.
The elevator stopped and the doors opened. We stepped out onto our floor, Evan letting go of my hand. When we'd told everyone else we were leaving, Howie and A.J. had decided to go get some lunch, while Kevin just wanted to lie down in his room for a while. Howie and A.J. had said they'd be back by that time, but went to go and make sure first. As soon as we saw they were, Nick told them we were all meeting in Kevin's room in a minute.
We walked back down the hall to Kevin's room, and paused out side the door for a moment. He had no knowledge of the 'meeting' Nick and I had just called. This was really going to happen, too late to call it off without any suspicion. I lifted my hand and knocked twice on his door.
"Come on in," was all Kevin said from the other side.
I opened the door and entered his room, Nick behind me, and Evan behind him. "Hey, Kev," I said, trying to sound as cheery as possible. It was hard to keep my voice from giving away any signs of discomfort.
He was lying on his back watching the television, eating from a small bowl of popcorn to his right. "Hey, guys." he said, turning his attention to the three of us. "What's up?"
I scratched my head nervously, and glanced around the room for no real reason. This was going to be far from easy. I made eye contact with Kevin again, and tried to smile. I was getting ready to tell him that there was something I needed to say to everyone, and that A.J. and Howie were on their way, when they joined us in the room.
"Hey, what's up?" Kevin asked the two.
A.J. and Howie looked confused for a moment. "Nick here said we were having a meeting..." Howie started to explain.
I didn't let him finish. "I called you all here," I started. All of the sudden, all eyes were on me, and I was very aware of it.
"Oh," Howie returned. "What's up then, B?"
I took a moment to ensure that my voice stayed steady. "I wanted everyone here because," I looked around the room for a second. "There's something..." I paused and took a deep breath. "Something I have to tell you guys." I succeeded in keeping my voice strong, but I was confident it wouldn't last.
They didn't say a word. They didn't urge me to continue, ask me what was wrong, any of that. The three sat and stared, waiting for me to continue on my own. It almost made it easier, actually. Nick and Evan were standing against the wall to me right, silently letting me know I had their support, while Kevin was still on the bed. A.J. and Howie were still standing.
"It's just that," I could feel my composure start to crumble. "That..." My voice had already lost the strength it had earlier, but I I was still trying to keep it calm, at least. Even that wasn't working to well. It was so much harder than I had anticipated, almost like I couldn't find the physical strength to utter the words I'd brought the three to hear. "I mean..."
Kevin was starting to look concerned now. "What is it, Bri? Just spit it out, okay? On the count of three..." he said. It was something Kevin liked to do. If someone was having trouble saying something for some reason or another, you were to blurt it all out as fast as you could when he hit three. Supposedly easier that way. "One," he started.
I started to tremble lightly. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell my closest friends for the past five years, my second family, that I was some faggot. He got to three and nothing came out. "Bri..." Kevin started again.
I took a deep breath, and tried taking things one step at a time. "Well," I started again. This time, however, I was determined to get through it. I had to tell them. "There's... there's something about me that you don't know." I started. At least I was talking. "I... I..." I took another breath. This was coming out, whether I wanted it too or not. "I don't like women." It was as close to saying 'I am gay' as I was going to get. But it would do.
"Whoa," A.J. spoke first. "Wait, are you saying you're..." he paused. He didn't sound angry or even upset at the time, just thoroughly confused. "That you're..."
"He's gay," Nick spoke from his spot next to Evan, against the wall. He said it as quietly as he could, without dropping below audibility for anyone in the room. I could only nod my head.
I looked to Kevin first. How he would react concerned me the most. After all, he was family, something that couldn't be said about anyone else in the room. He looked dazed, simply dazed.
He was staring right back. "Are you serious?" he finally asked me. He wasn't mad, I knew that much by his tone already, but he was definitely distraught. He broke eye contact and shook his head. "Howie was right, man. Whoa." With that, he got up from the bed and left the room, leaving me and the rest of the guys alone.
"And, and..." A.J. spoke again. He pointed to Evan, "he's not just a friend, is he?" he wasn't angry either, and it was more of a simple question than an accusation. He even seemed almost pleased with himself for a moment for figuring out that there was a connection between Evan and my announcement.
I sat down at the foot of the bed, and shook my head. "No, he's not." I said quietly. Things had gone well, better than I had expected, but I was drained none the less. I looked over at Howie. He didn't seem to happy at the news either, but at least he wasn't screaming at me. No one was screaming at me. Things had in fact gone well. But they could have gone better.
"I'd better go find Kevin," I said. It needed to be done, but I was glad it got me out of that room at the same time. The tension was overwhelming. I didn't want to leave Evan in there, but Nick was with him, and taking him to go find Kevin probably wouldn't have been a good idea.
I got up and went for the door. As soon as I closed it behind me, I heard A.J. through the door, probably thinking it was thicker than it actually was. "What do you think about all this, Nick?" he asked. I smiled a little at that, and went down the hall to check each of our rooms methodically. The first room I checked was mine and Nick's. Nobody was inside. Howie's room, however, contained a dark figure lying on the bed.
I entered and quietly closed the door behind me. He didn't move. "Kev?" I said cautiously, as I took a few steps toward him.
I could hear him sigh. "I'm sorry, Brian. That was just a lot of information to deal with. I just had to get out of there." I walked over to the bed and sat down on the edge, waiting for him to continue. "I mean, we've known each other for how many years now? We're family, Brian! You should have told me earlier. A lot earlier, like... like before we started this band earlier." he mumbled the last part.
He continued with only a slight break. "It's just that... this goes beyond friendship, beyond family. The Backstreet Boys name and image is our career, our lives, and this jeopardizes that." he paused. "I should have seen something when you brought Evan up. I can't believe I'm that blind."
I'm not sure which I would have put first, my family or my career, but me and Kevin were always different like that. That wasn't really what he meant, anyway, I was fairly certain. He was right, though. I was putting our futures as risk, and they had no say in the matter. But he still hadn't mentioned how he felt about it, personally. And that's what I was concerned about. "Do you hate me?" I asked. It was a strong question, too strong, I knew, but I couldn't find any other way to phrase it.
He took a deep breath. "No, Brian. I wish you weren't gay, but I don't hate you." he sat up on the bed and looked me straight in the eye. "You're still my favorite cousin, Brian." he gave me a weak smile. "Our friendship has never involved sexuality before, and it still doesn't. I don't care, plain and simple. I'm just worried about what might happen if it ever got public."
I returned his smile as best I could. "I know, Kev, I know. But I managed to keep it from you guys, didn't I?" And I had. If there was one universal reaction to my news, it was that they were all genuinely surprised, as far as I knew.
"You wouldn't have been able to if you brought Evan up here every chance you got. We would have known something was up pretty quick. And if Evan does come visit us every other weekend, the public will be able to see that as well as we can." he replied, his smile gone.
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?" It was the best I could do. I didn't know what else to say, I knew he was right. I was confident that we would find a way to make it happen, though. It was only a matter of time as far as I was concerned. The hard part was convincing Kevin.
He gave me a look of thorough disapproval, but let it go. I stood from the bed, and he did the same. We stood there for a moment, but it wasn't too long before we shared a brief hug. Just to show that everything was alright between us.
"Let's go back to the others," he said. "I hope none of them blew up at you," he looked at me for my response.
"No, but I'm not sure if A.J. or Howie like it too much." I replied. I'd talk to Nick later, as he probably had a better idea about what they thought by now.
"What about Nick?" he asked.
I turned away from him for a moment. "He, umm... he already knew." I looked back and tried to smile.
"You told him before me?" he looked almost hurt.
I had to consciously stop myself from laughing. "I didn't mean too..." I explained. "But I do share a room with him, after all. It's kinda hard keeping something like that a secret from him with Evan sleeping in the same room." I looked back to Kevin and tried to smile again.
"Yeah, Evan," he said under his breath. "I guess you're right," he continued, louder. "Come on, let's go." he opened the door, and motioned for me to go first. I walked out the door with him right behind me, and we headed back down the hall, back to Kevin's room, where A.J., Howie, and Nick were still waiting.
There it is, the 10th installment. Brian's finally out to the rest of the group. I hope it was an enjoyable read for you all. :) Anyway, why don't you tell me about it? It only takes a minute. :) Send any and all feedback to my inbox at sdauson@hotmail.com. I'll be waiting, guys (and gals). :)
Again, this installment is on time. Don't you guys love summer? I know I do. :) And it's even a little more than 20kb this time. Again, please send me your comments, questions, feedback, or even your hate mail, (what can I say, I'm desperate?) to me at sdauson@hotmail.com. The more mail I get, the quicker I write, it's simple. :)
What's in store for the next installment of Blind Faith? Hmm... good question. I'm still working on it at the moment. But I think we're going to find out exactly how the rest of the guys feel about Brian, and where Evan stands in all of this. :) Anyway, enough talking for now. I'll talk to you all later. :)
Sam