Black Sheep 6
BlackSheep6
I just caught my brother having sex with my crush Keon. I'm not sure how we started fighting. I'm not sure who came at who first. At least not in that minute. All I remember is that we are finally letting out everything we feel about each other. I'm so upset that he's having sex with Keon and he seems so upset that I invaded their privacy. We end out in the front area. We are going at it.
I'm hitting Jamison in the back of his head as hard as I can. Jamison is attempting to bite me. I'm not even letting him close. All the times that he fucked with me were all coming back at him. I drag him close to the edge. I swear I'm going to throw his ass over.
He attempts to push me but I get him to the ground. I pin him using my knees.
And I start beating his ass.
I beat his ass for every time he's lied. I beat his ass for every time he tried to pull that manipulative stuff. I beat his ass for everything that he's ever done.
"STOP! STOP IT!" Keon tells me.
Keon manages to grab me off of my brother and back towards the threshold of the hotel room. At this point people are coming outside to see what is going on. They've come just in time to see what is left of my brother. He has a bloody nose. He's still trying to fight running at me. I don't know what Keon says to calm him down but I don't wait. I'm back in Jamison's face and the only thing that is separating us is Keon.
"That's what you get," I tell him, pointing at his bloody face.
"Look what he did to me?" Jamison is telling Keon, "That little fucking jealous faggot broke my fucking nose."
Maybe he expects Keon to fight for him. Maybe Keon would have fought for him. I never get to find out because someone screams something about calling the cops. I think it is the manager of the Ditch hotels. I'm not sure.
"I didn't want to do it. He keeps fucking poking at me," I state.
"LEAVE!" Keon tells me.
"How could you not tell me you were fucking him?" I ask Keon.
It wasn't even about me wanting to be with Keon. Of course I wanted to be with Keon. This was more than that though. Keon was supposed to be my best friend. The least he could do was fucking tell me that he was having sex with my brother especially since he knew we had been going through all this family drama regarding my brother's sexuality. The whole time Keon had him bent over giving him the dick and saying how he didn't believe that my brother would fuck Brian?
Seriously?
Now I knew why Keon didn't believe what I was saying about Brian. He was in denial. He was denial about the fact that his lover wasn't just his.
Jamison was for everyone.
"Fuck it," I tell him, "Make sure that motherfucker stays away from me."
We had gone far this time. We'd hit each other before. My brother Joyous was the KING of the backhand when he was trying to dominate people. This was different though. Jamison and I fought like we were enemies who never knew nothing about each other.
~
I'm back at Keon's house. I'm packing my things. I can't stay here. The truth is I'm beyond pissed at everything that has gone on. The truth is I hate Keon's fucking guts right now. I hate Jamison. I'm so upset that by the time Keon gets to the house I'm literally standing in front of the freezer with the door open attempting to cool down. My blood pressure is so high that I feel faint.
The first thing Keon says to me shows me where his loyalty lies.
"You didn't have to beat his ass like that," Keon tells me.
He says it in the most devastating way. Keon sent me away when he was making sure that Jamison was OK. That spoke leagues. I just couldn't get it right. I find myself quickly shutting the fridge door and continuing to pack my things. I don't have my assistant here. I would have to do everything that I do here on my own.
I don't say anything to Keon. There's nothing to say. I think he notices. He probably came in here ready for an argument and when I don't give him one, I expect him to just go to bed. That's not what happens. He returns to the living room and closes my suitcase while I'm packing. I try to open it and he aggressively closes it again.
"Don't make me fucking hit you," I tell him.
"I'm not Jamison. Don't get smart with me like that," Keon explains, "I did nothing to you."
"Fine. If you feel that way. That's fine. I just want to leave," my hand struggles to find my cellphone. I'm frantically texting, "Nothing to talk about."
"Who you texting?"
"Joyous."
"Are you fucking kidding me?" he asks me, "Man. Are you going to expose me? Joyous is going to kill me if he finds out what me and Jamison have been doing."
"Well. You should have known I had it out for Jamison. He's going to get exposed one way or another."
"What about me?"
"Collateral damage."
The words just spill out. My blood is still pumping from catching the two of them in that hotel room. They weren't having sex when I had opened the door but they were in a compromising position. Jamison was straddling Keon. STRADDLING! I can't believe it. Just thinking about it pisses me off all over again.
"Don't do me like that. I know you're upset but don't do anything crazy. You know we are better than that," he pleads.
"You worried about the pictures huh?"
"I'm worried about us."
"Us..."
"Yes. I was in that hotel room telling Jamison that I'm having second thoughts about me and him, because I was having more and more thoughts about...us. Me and you.
I sigh. It's hard to believe that. I want to believe it. I just turn away though. It's so hard. I just seen them in that room. I text Joyous. He's taking forever to come get me. I need to get out of this apartment ASAP. I can't believe that I just had a fight like that with Jamison. I can't believe that we just went through it the way that we did. I could only imagine how Jamison was ready to spin this. Jamison was ready to make up some sort of lie.
Lie.
I turn to Keon. My "so-called" best friend.
"He sent you here didn't he?" I realize.
"What?"
"He sent you after me to make sure that I don't release the photos," I state, "He wanted to make sure I didn't tell Joyous, or my dad or anyone in the family. Didn't he? That's why your ass ran back here so quick to check up on me."
"Man I'm checking up on you because I give a fuck about you," Keon argues.
"No one gives a fuck about me. I been on my own for a minute and it's cool. You know why? I love myself. That's why. I don't need no one to love me. I did that shit on my own. When my family abandoned me. When everyone turned on me, you know what I did? I didn't give up and die. That would have been easy though. Hell yeah. Hell fucking yeah. You have no idea how easy that would have been. But did I do it? No. I kept going. I put those pieces of my heart together and I said that I would be consistently devoted to myself. No matter how many lies my brother told I was going to live in my truth. I was going to be. Just Joshua."
"And that's what I love about you," Keon tells me.
"Yet you turned down the black sheep to get with the snake."
Have you ever heard of the expression you have to laugh to keep from crying? That's what happens at that moment. I laugh myself into tears. At first it's this confusing sound of forced laughter and wailing. Sooner or later I'm just tearing up. It's not just about Keon's betrayal. It's more about everything. My father hates me. My brother is getting away with everything right underneath my nose. My grandmother was the only person in my family who loved me and she was gone. Now I was alone. I was completely alone.
Nothing was left. Why the fuck was I still in LA? What was the point?
Keon notices my tears. For a moment I actually think he might be legitimately concerned because he walks over and he just holds me. He stops trying to convince me not to release the photos.
There is a knock on the door.
Keon doesn't want to answer. He knows who it is. I go to the door and answer it. It's Joyous. Joyous gives me one look at that moment.
He sees the tears in my eyes. I can't hide it. They are still flowing like a faucet.
"Who?" he asks.
Keon is quiet behind me. Regardless of how tough Keon has been acting lately we all know what Joyous is capable of. If it wasn't him directly we all knew what his goons were capable of.
"No one," I state.
"Bullshit."
Joyous barges into the house, pushing past me. He pushes me so hard that I bust my ass on the fucking ground.
He makes his way to Keon and yokes him up quicker than I've ever seen anyone get yoked up before. A gun comes out!
My mouth drops open.
"Joyous don't."
"Shut the fuck up. Don't say another fucking word," Joyous tells me.
I'm breathing hard. Joyous has this gun in his hand. I know he'd do it too. I just have the fucking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I halfway expect Keon to be begging for his life but then I forgot that Keon is a thug now too. He doesn't get smart or anything like that but he isn't going to be a pussy either. I halfway hope that Keon would beg for his life.
Joyous doesn't hold the gun at Keon but he has it in his hands. Keon is on his left side and the gun is held tightly with his right hand.
Joyous is slow and methodical when he speaks.
"I'll ask you this one time. What you doing to my brother man?" Joyous asks.
There is silence at that moment. Keon doesn't reply. He just stares blankly. This seems to piss Joyous off even more. Joyous grabs Keon by the back of his neck. He drags him to the sink. He slams Keon up against the granite counter. This time my brother puts the gun right up to Keon's temple. Keon doesn't scream. He doesn't beg. He just puts on this mean mug the entire time.
"You're tripping Joyous," I tell him, "Please stop. He didn't do anything..."
"Then why the fuck you crying?" Joyous asks me.
"Just having a bad day."
It sounds like bullshit. My brother knows me well enough to know when I'm lying too. I used to lie sometimes when we were younger because I always knew that Joyous did have a few bolts loose and was likely to go off at the slightest provocation.
He releases Keon without pulling the trigger but I think he's made his point by pulling out an ACTUAL gun. I'm shocked at everything that has happened today.
Keon lifts his head off the granite counter in time for one last warning from Joyous.
"If I see you with my brother alone again. I'll have every nigga in Cali rain down on you," Joyous states, "You hear me."
Keon doesn't reply.
I reply for Keon.
"We hear you."
"Am I talking to you?" Joyous asks me.
"No."
Joyous cocks his gun before looking at Keon with these devilish eyes, "Did you hear what the fuck I said man?"
I get nervous for Keon. I'm not used to anything like this. I'm really thinking that Keon is testing Joyous. He's seeing if Joyous would really do it. My brother's trigger finger is itching too. I see this look in his eyes. It's the look he used to have when he would disappear for a few days out of nowhere and the cops would come to the house looking for him. They'd never find him. The streets protected Joyous in a way that I had never seen. I was sure Joyous had killed a man before. I was positive. I was sure right now he would do the same to Keon.
He was a gangster. The pretty Pirru. That's what he did.
Keon doesn't respond verbally but thankfully he does not need to. It's a weak not. It's laced with silent defiance but it is confirmation and that is what Joyous needs.
~
I stay with Joyous for the next few days. His goons are in and out of the house. I realize that I have to get my own place. There are so many of them. I have nothing in common with any of these guys. They respect me but they keep giving me that look that says if my brother wasn't who my brother was then they would definitely have a problem with me. I almost hear whispering every time I leave the room. Either one of them whispers something about me acting like I'm too good for them or me being a faggot or something of that sort. I know Joyous would handle it if that is the case but he never does.
Sure enough I don't hear from Keon after my brother threatens his life. I don't hear from Jamison either. A part of me is so sure that Jamison has taken off clear out of town and not looked back. He probably thinks I'm going to release the photos.
I'm not sure if I'm going to.
It's a weekend when I open the camera and am looking through the photos. It hurts all the same. At that same time Joyous barges into the room.
"Get the fuck up."
My brother is shirtless. He's always the guy that all the girls wanted. Of course there were other attractive guys around him but for the girls in the neighborhood that wasn't the point. Joyous was a gangster and gangsters got all the love in these parts.
"Where we going?"
"Meet with Jamison."
"I'll pass."
"Do I look like I was giving you a fucking option? Get the fuck up."
I haven't really been communicating with Joyous. We hop in the car the boy wears nothing but a wife beater. He's a true gangster. He even has grills in his mouth. Joyous has a tattoo of a tear under his right eye. My mother told me he was thinking about getting more face tattoos. Even though he was clearly the most handsome male in our family he always seemed to try to make himself look less attractive. I think he felt like he had to be extra tough because he was so good looking. For him, good looking guys didn't get a lot of attention where we are from.
"What's your problem?" he asks me.
We are on the way to meet Jamison. We are headed to Big Mama's house.
"Can I go in that house?"
"You family ain't you?"
"Does our father know that?" I ask.
Joyous sighs a little bit. He lights a blunt that he already has rolled up and starts to smoke it in the car. He doesn't even roll down a window.
"You family," he tells me as though he is making the final decision, "I don't care what no one says. You family. That's why I went off on Keon like that. I know he hurt you."
"Keon didn't do shit."
"He hurt you. You don't want to admit it but I see it. It's written all over your face. And he better stay the fuck away from you too if he knows what's good for him. I'll introduce him to an early grave really quick."
"Can you stop acting like you give a fuck about me?"
Joyous stops the car. He stops it in the middle of the road. People are beeping at us like crazy.
He pops me in my face, hard as hell.
I damn near lose it. I hit Joyous back...right in the face. I'm shocked when I do it. I'm shocked when I decide to hit Joyous back.
Joyous makes a fist and I swear he is going to kill me at that moment but he doesn't. He puts the blunt back in his mouth and starts driving again.
"I love you..." he tells me.
It's the first time he's ever told me something like that. He says it in a matter-of-fact way. Maybe it took me punching him in the face to actually admit something like that. I don't get it but when he says it for some reason I just start getting emotional.
"You say you want to protect me but you hurt me all the time."
"I'm the only one who can put their hands on you. Cause you mine. You my little brother. So I can put my hands on you. If anyone else does it then there's a problem. You understand? That's street logic. This is how shit is when you are a boss, like me."
It's laughable how Joyous thinks sometimes but I can tell he is dead serious.
"I'm not even talking about physically. I'm talking about emotional."
"You sound like a bitch," he sighs.
"Well then fuck it. I'll shut up."
He takes a deep breath. I feel like he thinks he's talking to one of these girls who chases him around and would give their first born son just to be considered HIS for a day.
"Go ahead," he reluctantly states.
"Where were you when Dad abandoned me? Where were you when I needed you most?"
"You know where I was..."
"Exactly."
"What you want? An apology? I'm fucking sorry. It doesn't change shit. I'm trying to do better with you. You ain't exactly the easiest motherfucker to get along with. You come in town with your suit on and your assistant, starting trouble with the family every chance you get."
"The family starts trouble with me."
"You ain't innocent," he tells me, "You a shit starter. You always have been. You conveniently forget the fact that not only did you come out as gay but you started to have sex with dudes on my team."
I remember what he was talking about. One of the first guys I had sex with was a guy who worked with my brother. When my brother found out that guy lost a leg suspiciously almost a week later. I never blamed Joyous or got in his business about it, but I knew he wasn't a fan of it. It makes me scared about what he would do to Keon if I ever saw Keon again.
"They came onto me."
"A lot of these dudes fresh out of prison. They been fucking around with guys in the system. They not into romance. They don't love you dude. You let them use you. Of course I felt some type of way. Being gay is one thing but you felt like you had to make everyone uncomfortable. You had to force that shit in everyone's face. Your homosexuality started fucking with my life. It started fucking with my money. You expect me to still support you?"
"Yes. Yes I do."
He takes a deep breath. We've arrived at Big Mama's house. He parks in the driveway and looks over at me.
"Let's start over. Me and you."
"You mean it or you just talking shit. Because I don't need that."
"I'm serious. We never had a relationship outside of the family. I want to start one," Joyous offers, "Just the two of us. And whatever happens in the family happens in the family but from now on I'm not going to have your back."
I look at Joyous. My heart squirms in my stomach. The last person to show me this kind of love in my family was Big Mama. He might not understand me. He might think I'm a shit starter but he's willing to be there for me anyway.
I lean over at that moment. I hug him as hard as I can. We hold each other.
"Don't go getting soft on me," I joke seeing how long he hugged me.
"Oh you'll see how hard I am if that bitch Keon tries to talk to you again."
"Joyous..." I sigh.
"No exceptions."
He gets out of the car before I get a chance to stop him.
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