Black Sheep

Black Sheep 12

Chapter 12

I arrive at the hospital. The doctors won't let us in. My mother and father are there. They are the first ones to see me when I arrive at the hospital. Jamison is close by. He paces back and forth. I don't see Joyous anywhere in sight.

"Is she OK?" I ask.

No one answers. These are probably the three people who I never can really have a conversation with. It's awkward to say the least. Joyous was the one who told me about Jamila's overdose. That was about an hour ago. It took me an hour to get to this goddam hotel with all the traffic in Los Angeles. I figure that Joyous must be running late too because of the traffic.

My mother is the one who finally answers after about 2 awkward minutes of completely ignoring my question. Her voice is so low it comes almost like a whisper especially in this busy hospital room.

"She won't wake up."

"Can we see her?" I ask.

"Does it look like they'll let us go see her?" Jamison asks me.

I don't have time for his attitude right now. It's the last thing that I want on my mind. I just bite my tongue. I lean up against the wall and post. A few minutes pass. Thirty minutes. An hour. Two hours. The time just goes flying by and this hospital is so fucking ghetto that the doctors don't even come out and give us any update on Jamila.

What's worse than waiting to see if my sister is going to make it is waiting with these members of my family. I'd rather be with strangers than my mother, my father and Jamison. They do little fucked up things like ask one another if they are hungry or if they need something to drink. You would think I didn't even fucking exist in this hallway.

"Where's Joyous?" Jamison asks.

"He was right behind me," I state.

Jamison ignores me. I guess he didn't really care what I had to say. I shrug. I guess it was pointless to add my two cents in this fucked up little group.

"Probably rather be gang banging then worrying about his sister," my father says.

I don't get it. I don't get why he doesn't show up to the hospital. I look over at my father. He's still sitting down. I can't read his face. Was he sad? Was he upset? I really didn't know. It was killing me that I don't know how he's reacting to his own daughter having overdosed.

"This isn't like Joyous," I respond, "He'll show up..."

"What do you know about Joyous?" my father asks me, looking straight in my eyes, "You show up after all these years and you think you know that boy."

"That so-called boy is my brother," I respond, "No matter how long I'm gone. I know Joyous is a good person."

"He's a gang banger," my father states shaking his head, "People like him can't love. He don't give a fuck about Jamila. Jamison told me about Joyous being aggressive to her. Figures that Joyous ran Jamila off."

"You told him that?" I ask Jamison.

Jamison looks away. He looks like a fucking fool.

"I didn't say he ran her off...but...," Jamison states in almost a fucking whisper. He trails off so I can't even hear what he says.

Curious for him being the loud mouth he was, when it came to my father you would think this motherfucker learned how to speak just yesterday.

"SPEAK UP!" I say aggressively.

"I never said Jamila overdosed because of Joyous. It could have been a lot of different things," Jamison states.

I look back over at my father. If Jamison didn't specifically say that this was because of Joyous then where did he get that from?

"Was it not his fault?" my father asks.

My father stares Jamison down. Jamison stares out the ground as though he's looking to pick up the balls that he dropped somewhere. It's almost like my father is pressuring Jamison to admit some shit at this moment.

"No. No, it wasn't. Joyous may have said some things to Jamila and made her feel bad for something she didn't do."

"So it was his fault."

"No. It's yours," I respond, "You stole the fucking money and didn't tell no one. Yeah, Joyous fucked up blaming Jamila. He was wrong...but why did he do it? It was because of the money. Now all of a sudden you sitting here pointing fingers. The one fucking thing you're good at."

My father immediately seems bewildered that I'm speaking to him like this. He looks at my mother and my brother as though shocked no one is coming to his defense. Jamison is too busy sitting there looking like a damn fool and my mother gets overshadowed by my father's presence as usual. They both have become so good at sinking into his fucking shadow after all these years.

"Ya'll see how he talks to me?" my father asks.

Jamison and my mother look uncomfortable. I guess this isn't as bad as being ganged up on. I can tell that deep inside they are seeing through my father's bullshit at least. Maybe that's why they aren't immediately taking his side. My father had stolen that money. He basically framed Jamila to take the fall for it whether he meant to or not. Now he was sitting here putting the blame on Joyous because it was easy to do.

Then an idea clicks in my head.

"Did you contact Joyous?" I ask him, "Did you say something to my brother?"

It wasn't like Joyous not to show up to this hospital and my father definitely didn't seem too surprised at the fact that he wasn't here. Joyous wouldn't have gone out of his way to tell Jamison and I just to not show up at the hospital.

"I told him the truth..."

Jamison and my mother look at my dad. They are just as interested as I am.

"What truth?"

"I told him that if Jamila dies it's on him," my father states, "Getting her involved with gangsters. I know Jamila was upset. That gangster used poor Jamila to get back at Joyous. Because Joyous is a sinner. Because all his life all he was good at was pulling the trigger and it's because of him that his little sister took the bullet. It's a lesson."

"A lesson."

"Yes. I told you children about your sins. You never listen to me. Now look at Jamila. How many times did I tell her that these drugs would be the death of her. Now look. Look at her. Tubes in her fucking nose. She's on life support. How you save the body when the soul is rotten?"

"STOP IT!"

It isn't me who screams at that moment. I turn and notice my mother scream. I'm shocked by it. I'm not the only one. Jamison's eyes get wide. My father turns over and grunts a little. His breathing gets heavy.

He gets up. I don't have the time to stop him even though I take a step forward. His hand open, he snatches back gathering a whip of air before he buckles back and strikes. All you hear is a loud WHOOSH and a slight gasp from her. That's when he slaps the dog shit out of my mother!

She falls to the ground, bounces up almost immediately and sits immediately in the chair.

"You just raise your voice at me?" my dad says.

Whatever backbone my mother had was gone. She sits there looking like a dud. I find myself interfering somehow. I'm standing between my mother and my father before he knows it. I'm looking dead in his eyes.

"Ma...say something," I state.

My mother doesn't say anything. My dad looks in my eyes. He can see all the years of disobedience building up. I've been ready for this for years.

I repeat myself to my mother, "Say something. Say something and if he hits you or even tries to, I will wipe this motherfucker all across this hospital room."

My dad is shocked, but there is more anger than surprise. I think he always knew it was going to come to this. I want to beat his ass so bad and I should probably just do it but whatever little respect I have for him is causing me to hold my punch.

"You think you tough?" my father asks.

"Try to put your hands on her again and I'll show you how tough I am."

We stare at each other. The tension is thick. Strangers have stopped what they were doing to stare at us. These same strangers probably saw him strike my mother and did nothing about it. We are moments from getting the cops called on us by the hospital staff. I don't care though. I'm beyond pissed and emotional.

"You need to leave," Jamison tells me.

I'm not surprised when he comes to my father's defense. He stands between me and my father. His eyes are glaring at me. He's protecting this fucking bully like he always does.

"My sister is sick I'm not going anywhere."

"You NEED to get the fuck out of here," Jamison repeats, "You ain't doing shit for no one by standing here causing trouble."

I look down at my mother. I want to be there to let her know that she doesn't have to be scared of my father anymore. For a moment I had seen something in her. I look at her hoping that the light behind that darkness is somewhere there, but she has retreated back into her darkness almost completely. He had smacked her straight back into that darkness.

"Go..." my mother tells me, "No one wants you here."

~

I get back to my apartment. I'm so upset. It's worse than that. I'm crying and shaking at the same time. When I open the door I find myself leaning over on the couch for balance. I don't even realize that I'm not alone until I hear footsteps walking my way.

It's Keon. I can smell him before I can see him. He stands over me.

"You OK?"

"I thought I was alone..."

"Your...friend or whoever he is to you just left the house."

"To go where? It's not safe out there..." I respond.

"He said he would be back. We didn't talk the whole damn day. He's been looking at my funny like he wanted to fight or something. Just letting you know out of respect for you I won't beat his ass...yet..."

Keon stops talking midsentence. I've gone back to shaking.

"Not now."

I go to the bathroom. I run the water and drench my face with water. I'm so upset. It's not just my father even though he really set it off. It's my mother. It's Jamison. It's the fact that Jamila was in the hospital. It's the fact that my father found it so convenient to blame Joyous.

"Everything OK?"

"I'm fine."

"Cool. I was wondering if you been able to talk to Joyous. I need you to smooth shit out with him ASAP. I don't think me and your friend in this house is a good idea. If he looks at me funny again, I'll end up..." Keon starts.

"KEON I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW!" I respond.

If he couldn't see the last thing I cared about right now was his petty beef with AK, who he barely even knew then he just didn't really understand me. He stops talking completely.

"I keep asking if you're OK. You keep dismissing me," he responds, "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong."

"Jamila's in the hospital."

"Holy shit. Seriously?" he asks, "Why?"

"Drug overdose. She's on life support."

Keon leans up against the wall. He's known Jamila for a long time. I guess he's known all of us for a long time. He might have had some drama with Joyous and Jamison right now but I knew he always had a pretty good relationship with Jamila. All of a sudden I kind of feel bad for going off on him like that. It's clear this would effect him as well.

"Is that where you been?" he asks me.

I nod, "Yeah. I couldn't stay. My father started acting up and I was minutes away from losing it. I had to leave."

"Damn...that's fucked up.

I stand there for a second and then all of this emotion comes over me.

"His child is in the hospital. His fucking child is dying. You would think this would be a wake up call for him. You know? You would think that no matter how cruel a monster is even a monster has a moment where he puts his nature aside for moment of tenderness. That's all I was asking for. A moment of tenderness from a father. I couldn't get that. Not even a moment."

Tears have begun streaming down my face as I feel sorry for myself. I've tried everything with my father. I've tried ignoring him. I've tried anger. I've tried attempting kindness. Nothing seemed to work. What else could I do except for cry?

At that moment as I'm crying Keon leans in. I don't think it means anything when he lets me cry on his shoulder a little bit. I don't think it matters when he even strokes the back of my head or when his left hand scoops the smalls of my back. Even when he softly kisses my forehead a few times to sooth my whimpering I don't think it's a big deal. It isn't until I stop whimpering and look up at him that I realize just how serious this moment is.

Keon is looking down at me at that moment. In the midst of all these tears we stare at one another in the deepest way.

"It'll be OK. I'm here for you," he lets me know.

Keon leans in at that moment. My heart races knowing what he's attempting to do. I see his soft lips buckle in. I see them press up against mine. I don't kiss him back. I don't kiss him back because I don't expect it. His lips are up against mine and his whole body is pulling me in. He inhales me as he kisses me. I let him do it for a second or two but then I take a step back.

"Keon...wait."

"What's going on here?" a voice says.

I turn to the doorway of the bathroom. AK is standing there. He looks at me with this look on his face that says he's shocked. He's caught Keon and I in a somewhat compromising situation. I look at AK and I just seem surprised that he's back here.

"He's just upset," Keon states.

"I got this," AK responds quickly pulling me away from Keon and into his arms.

I can feel Keon watching us the entire time in the bathroom. AK holds me. It's awkward to say the least. The tension is just building up. Keon isn't leaving the bathroom like I thought he would when AK is comforting me. He watches me the whole time as though he wants to say something but for some reason whatever he wants to say isn't coming out. I realize that this must look weird for AK that my best friend won't give us privacy so I decide to change the subject.

"Where were you?" I ask AK, "It's not safe to be out. You know that..."

"I saw a post on Facebook that your sister was in the hospital. I went out and got some flowers for her...and for you," AK tells me.

He steps to the side and I see the bouquets from the bathroom. They are beautiful roses. All different colors. I look up at AK and I realize that he definitely risked his life just to get me flowers. He knew that my brother and the other gang members were roaming the street. Why was this so important for him to go out there.

"They are beautiful," I state, "Thank you..."

I watch Keon. He walks out into the living room, "Man you went to Ms. Tony's get them cheap ass flowers she got? They halfway dead."

AK gives him a hard look, "FUCK you just say to me nigga?"

"Yo---I was just joking, relax," Keon responds.

"I don't joke with Fuck boys," AK immediately states.

I'm shocked to say the least when AK does that. Keon had mentioned there was tension in the house but AK is bucking his chest almost immediately and I don't get it at all. I grab AK at that moment and stop him for a second.

I take AK into the living room away from Keon who is laughing all of a sudden. Keon may be laughing but I think he is laughing to stop himself from going off on AK right now. These two definitely weren't puppies by any means. They both had lived street lives. They both had a lot of pride. I knew that I had to walk a fine line when it came to them.

"He was just joking AK," I tell him.

AK isn't having it, "Baby...honestly. This boy is disrespectful. I heard him on the phone today talking about how fat your ass got and he doesn't remember it being so fat. He was talking to one of his little DL friends..."

"He was..." I ask.

I'm shocked to say the least. It's a little amusing and I can't help but be flattered in a way. I didn't realize my butt was getting bigger. Even if it was, I definitely didn't think Keon would be noticing it, let alone feeling it was that serious to have a conversation about it.

"Shit is about to go down if he stays here," AK warns me.

"I can't kick him out," I state.

"Talk to Joyous. Something is going to fold. I keep telling you. I'm starting to really catch feelings for you and I don't do competition," he tells me.

"Competition?" I ask, "C`mon now...that's NOT the case at all..."

"Everything OK out here?" Keon states at that moment.

We both turn to see that Keon has walked in the room. He has his shirt off. He takes his shirt off and he's flexing a little bit. I have to admit that Keon looks good. His perfect abs and his built form. He puts his on arm up so that his bicep pops a little bit. Normally seeing Keon without a shirt would drive me crazy but it's clear that right now Keon isn't trying to drive me crazy. He's trying to get under AK's skin. And honestly it's working.

AK is shaking when he sees this.

"Baby..."

"Wait in the room for me?" I ask, "Please."

"Baby..." AK makes a fist. I hear him pop his fist in his palm over and over again.

Keon is standing a few inches away and I have the feeling that he's making his chest jump a little just to intimidate AK. AK is a lot slimmer than Keon. He's sexy in that model kind of way where Keon is more muscular. They are both attractive but I can see why Keon would think his muscles are an advantage.

"Please," I tell AK again.

AK finally nods. He goes off at that moment into the bedroom and slams the door behind him. I know that I'm going to have a hard conversation with him.

"What are you doing?" I ask Keon.

"I was hot...I took my shirt off."

"You know what I'm talking about. You...you..." I look at the door before leaning forward and whispering to Keon, "You kissed me..."

"It just happened. My bad..."

"What did it mean?"

He shrugs, "I don't know..."

"I need you to figure it out."

"I'm confused OK. Like I've been very confused lately."

"About what? I don't have time for confusion from my best friend right now Keon. I am going through shit right now. I told you that."

Keon paces.

"You're right. But when we did kiss...did you feel anything?"

"Keon...are you serious right now?"

Keon gives me a hard look, "You're cold man."

"You been fucking my brother for how long?" I ask, "Do you even want to be with me? Now that he doesn't want you it seems like you are really excited about fucking up what I got going on."

"I've never seen you with another dude."

"Jealous?"

"YES!"

I wasn't actually expecting Keon to admit that he was jealous. He does it so easily as though it is just a matter of fact. He pulls back after he says that. It seems like it's heavy on his mind right now. It's hard talking to him while he's still shirtless. It's hard not to stare at his chest. Especially when he gets upset and his chest muscles jump over and over.

"You still love Jamison?" I ask.

"I care about Jamison," Keon asks, "But have you honestly never wondered? What if me and you were actually meant to be together? Fatty and Skinny. Like c`mon. You really think this dude has the connection that we have."

"Our connection was as friends."

"Friends don't want to fuck each other. Every minute I'm thinking about sticking my dick up your ass. Down your throat. I want to fuck ever hole you got---"

"Keon---" I state looking at the room hoping these walls are thick enough so that AK wouldn't hear what the fuck my best friend was saying.

"I'm being real. The way I feel about you may have been friendship at one point. That's is not what it is now. That's not friendship."

"Where is this coming from?" I ask him.

"I'm obsessed with you," Keon tells me, "What if we are meant to be in love?"

I shake my head.

"You are thinking with your dick. It's called infatuation."

"No...that's what you want it to be," Keon states, "What if it's something more?"

"What if it isn't?"

"Fuck me."

"What?"

"Fuck me," Keon states, "One time. We'll see if we make love or we just fuck. Then you can judge for yourself. If it's just fucking then you can go back to AK. I won't say a word. But if it's more..."

He pauses keeping the idea open.

It must have been really driving him crazy to have to become this aggressive now that he saw me with someone else.

"I have a better plan," I tell him, "I'll talk to Jamison and see if he will take your ass back."

"This isn't about Jamison and you know it," he explains to me.

"Well it was never about me with you," I respond, "What changed, besides the fact that you see me happy with someone else?"

Keon doesn't answer that. It's clear he doesn't want to answer it. All of a sudden he's realizing that he chose the wrong brother. The problem was however no matter how sexy Keon was, I still was really feeling AK. I didn't have to compete with anyone for AK's attention.

Still Keon's offer to fuck is something that I can't get out of my head even when I go to bed and lay down with AK. It scares me wondering if I should take him for his offer or not.

~

I wake up in the morning and I see AK sitting at the edge of the bed. I'm surprised when the door is opening. There are flowers there. Not the two dozen that AK got me. There are 3 dozen roses there.

"Baby, you didn't have to buy me more flowers," I state waking up.

AK looks at the card, "They aren't from me."

He seems pissed when he throws the card on the bed at that moment. The card is from Keon. It's clear that Keon decided to one up AK right in front of his face. The level of disrespect that Keon is showing AK and my relationship at this moment is extraordinary to say the least. Keon was definitely crossing some serious lines right now and I think he was well aware of that.

"AK..."

I don't think I have to tell AK that Keon may actually have feelings for me. If these flowers didn't make that clear than I wasn't sure what would.

"He needs to be gone," AK states.

"My brother is after him."

"Look at me," AK says staring at me straight in my eyes, "I've been very patient, because I like you, but I'm a gangster. You get that? You understand what I mean when I say that? He needs to be gone. ASAP or there will be some serious issues."

From the look in his eyes I know AK means business.

"Give me some time," I respond.

"Keep him away from me."

"I will...just...give me some time."

~

I leave the house and text Keon asking him to give AK some space. The situation in my apartment was escalating. I didn't know why I thought this was a good idea. I just had no idea that Keon was going to use this time to try to win me over. All I knew was that things were bad and they were getting worse.

I end up going to see Joyous. Sure enough there are all these gangsters in his living room when I walk in there.

"Where's my brother?"

"They point to the room."

I walk over to the room and open it. Sure enough my brother is balls deep in a female. All you see is his muscular flexing as he holds her legs up way above her head.

"Fuck me...god...I love you...fuck me! FUCK ME!" she is screaming.

You would think she's never gotten dick before in her life by the way she is screaming. Joyous holds her down and he plows deep into her stretching her pussy open as he does it. I can see him choking her slightly so she is gagging.

"Whose Daddy?" my brother is asking her.

"You. You're daddy...ooh I'm so wet Daddy. I'm about to buss...keep going! Keep going!"

My brother is about to switch her into doggy style when he sees me standing at the door. Almost immediately he pulls his dick out of her. I haven't seen my brother's dick since we were kids. I can tell now why she is screaming the way she is. His dick is large and thick. It's dripping either with her juices or maybe even precum or a little bit of both when he pulls it out of her.

"Get the fuck out," he tell her in the most disrespectful way ever.

I'm all about female empowerment but at the same time I was kind of in a rush to fix this situation.

"I was just about to nut," she complains.

"You think I give a fuck?" Joyous asks, "My brother is here. You think I'll have him wait for your ass? Get the fuck out."

Joyous could probably fuck any girl he wanted with his looks so it doesn't surprise me that the girl probably is dumb enough to feel lucky to have gotten this far with him. She walks out of the room quickly and Joyous immediately starts rolling up a blunt. He hardly even covers himself when he sees me.

"Bro...we need to talk."

"You're mad I didn't come to the hospital," he states.

"Yeah I am actually," realizing how weird that was, "But I'm here for something else..."

"It's my fault," my brother states clearly having this situation on his mind, "What happened to Jamila. How could I have shown up? How could I have..."

My brother is twitching. He's butt naked but I watch as he leans over and picks up his gun. For a minute I get scared looking at how pissed he is.

Then I realize his eyes. They are red.

"Have you been crying?"

I've never seen my brother cry.

"I'm trying to get my mind off of it. Fucking bitches doesn't help. Nothing helps. It's all my fault."

"Fuck Pops and what he says. It's not your fault."

"YES IT IS MY FAULT!" he barks at me, "I'm the oldest. I'm supposed to take care of all of you. I let Travis Kim get in Jamila's head. She might have been on drugs before him but she never overdosed. Never. I let him break her heart. I should have protected her. I should have killed that motherfucker before he even came close."

I look at Joyous. The look in his eyes right now is a danger that I've never seen before. He's gone over the edge. In his own way, he's gone over the edge. It's not with drugs but I can see the gun twitching in his hang.

"Joyous...bro...calm down."

I go and sit next to him. I don't care if he's naked. Right now he's my big brother and I was going to calm him down one way or another. I rub his back attempting to get him to calm down.

Joyous gives me a hard look, "I'm never going to let anyone hurt you. You hear me? That motherfucker that raped you...I should have killed him..."

"Wait...he didn't rape me..."

"I should have killed Keon for hurting Jamison and taking advantage of his sexual confusion," Joyous states.

It was just as I was worried about. Joyous wasn't really thinking clearly after Jamila was in the hospital. He blamed himself for her death and now his thoughts were all fucked up. If he thought Keon was to blame for Jamison being sexually confused then he definitely wasn't thinking clearly. It makes sense now why he didn't show up at the hospital.

Joyous was all fucked up.

I definitely wasn't going to tell him that Keon and AK were staying at my place with him in this kind of mindstate.

"Listen, it's not your fault. You can't protect us from everyone. That's not your job Joyous."

"It is my job," Joyous states, "It's my job to protect you from heartbreak. And I'll kill anyone who breaks any of your hearts. I'm going to kill EVERYONE who breaks your hearts."

I put my hand on Joyous's head. I lean over and give him a hug. I love him. I know he means well but right now Joyous is more dangerous than good. Right now he has that murderer coming out in his eyes. That gangster is coming out from every pore of him. Right now he is the most dangerous I've ever seen him. He wanted to use that gun and he would use it on anyone that has ever threatened to break my heart or the heart of anyone of his siblings. He thinks by killing Travis Kim he would have prevented what happened with Jamila.

Maybe he was right, but I didn't want to see my brother become that...thing.

"Listen," I state, "How about you take some time off?"

"I can't we have to work on the club..."

"I'll work on the club," I respond, "I need you to take some time off and clear your head. I need you to just maybe leave town."

"Bro..."

"Please," I tell Joyous, "This is what I needed to do so I didn't go crazy. This is what Jamila should have done. It would have saved her. I want you to leave this place for a while Joyous. And don't look back until you're fine mentally."

"You're probably right," he says, "I need a break."

"I know I'm right."

"Maybe your assistant Marcella can book me a place."

I laugh a little, "Maybe she can go with you..."

We laugh together a little. It was a good idea. I was happy that my brother was agreeing to leave at that moment. I was happy that I could at least stop one of my siblings from doing something they would regret forever.

Just at that moment one of Joyous's boys storm in the room.

"Joyous!"

"You don't see me with my fucking brother nigga?" Joyous asks, "You fucking crazy interrupting us like that, dude?"

"I don't mean any disrespect," he responds, "It's just...you got to see this..."

"See what?" Joyous asks.

"Man...Sosa's brother AK is right up the street . He's in the middle of the street brawling. You won't guess who he's fighting man! He's fighting Keon! In the middle of the street!"

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Keon and AK were fighting. I shouldn't have left them alone. I was an idiot to think these fouls would get along after what happened. They were so oblivious they took the fighting into the street and now my brother was aware of both of their locations.

Joyous looks at me. I look at Joyous. Joyous looks at his gun.

I start off, "New start...remember...I can have Marcella get the flight right now..."

Joyous ignores every word that comes out of my mouth. I watch as he pushes me onto his bed, grabs his gun even before he grabs his underwear.

Joyous ignores me, "Keep my brother locked in here."

Two thugs come in the room, grabbing me and restraining me in the room so I can't leave.

"Joyous please..."

I hear Joyous calling his other gangsters in for war, "Tell the boys to grab the guns. We about to kill both those motherfuckers..."

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