Billy Chase 285
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Tuesday
- Okaaaay, so...
I got a reply from Lee today in my email. Three of them, to be exact.
The first one sounded like he was completely shocked to hear from me again. In fact, he was so happy and 'smiley faced' about it, I kinda felt bad that I hadn't kept up my end of the bargain as far as still being friends like we agreed on after we broke up. I didn't expect him to have missed me so much.
The second email was him saying how much he missed me. (I know! Weird, right?) And he said that we should get together some time and just hang out.
Then, in the third email, he was just wishing me a happy day. Really short, and he ended it with a kiss.
Now...I'm just really not used to Lee being so...um...affectionate. It was really kinda strange, to be honest. I mean, FRIENDLY, sure. Lee is the king of being friendly. Lee can walk into a room full of strangers and leave with five new best friends, easy. But this was a lot more...I dunno...more than his usual 'love me at a distance' approach. I wasn't quite sure how to take that, or how to answer. But now I feel like I'm gonna hurt his feelings if I don't answer right away. I don't even know what to say to him. I mean....he's not thinking about us being an actual 'us' again, is he? It was just one email. I made it as non emotional as I possibly could. Besides, it's not like he was writing me emails every day either. I didn't think I ever crossed his mind that much anymore.
Just...weird. I'll try to write him back something tonight, but...I have NO idea what that something is gonna be! No idea.
Anyway, I went to Sam's house today to go to school with him. I came over just a few minutes early this time, but not early enough for anything funky to happen. Just in case he was still horny. And you wanna know something? He wasn't there. Like, at all. The house was empty. After knocking a few times to make sure the old lazy bones wasn't just upstairs oversleeping or something, I just shrugged my shoulders and went to school by myself.
When I saw him a bit later and asked him what happened, he seemed a little pissed at me. Not in a big way, but his voice and body language always said more than he wanted it to. Sam isn't exactly known for his 'poker face'. Especially when it comes to me.
He was kind of keeping the back of his shoulder to me the whole time, not really looking me in the eye, no enthusiasm in his voice. I mean, what did I do? Did I disappoint him by not being his whore when he needed to feel good? Why should I? He's never been mine. He's rejected me plenty of times, and it hurt like hell, but I didn't treat him like this. Or did I? I don't really remember, now that I think about it. I'll have to look back to earlier entries to see. But I can't remember actually making it his problem for not being interested.
I just...ugh...I just want things to go back to normal. That's all. I never thought that a few sexual experiences with a best friend, a STRAIGHT best friend, mind you...would end up throwing things soooo far out of balance. Come on, Sam...can't we just find our perfect little dynamic again. I miss that. I really do.
One thing that really kinda started souring my day though, was seeing Jimmy practically floating through the halls today. And I knew why he's whistling and grinning so much. He's going to see AJ today. There's no doubt in my mind that that's his plan for the afternoon. I didn't even talk to him much more outside of saying hello. I couldn't bear it. Partially from the knowledge that he was throwing his self respect in the trash by letting AJ use him for a cum dump all over again. And partially...from the knowledge that he's gonna be getting laid in a few hours...and I wasn't.
Sighhhh, am I a total slut for wanting some random sex and cuddling today too. I mean, just looking at the smug grin on Jimmy LaPlane's face today made me kinda wish that Sam had been home earlier this morning. I know it's wrong...but my head, my heart, and my body, don't always operate at the same frequency. Some days, I wonder if they talk to each other at all.
I kept thinking that I should go find Trace today. I know where he hangs out. It would be nice to have a boyfriend again. Like, a REAL boyfriend, you know? Sometimes you just don't want to be alone. Today was one of those times.
Sex wasn't anywhere NEAR this complicated until my stupid brain started getting involved.
Speaking of my brain, which I am now convinced is the most dysfunctional part of my body...I had a bit of a confrontation with Brandon in the library today. And this time, I was there first, I swear. It's not like I went looking for him. Unless...he came looking for me. Whoah...I hadn't thought about that yet. Freaky. So anyway, he sits down next to me. I mean he looks like he is just...determined to get this off of his chest and all, right? So he yanks out a chair, and slams himself down into it, and looks right at me. Then he says, "I'm doing it tonight, Billy. That's it. I've had enough. I've honestly had enough."
I had an idea of what he meant, but just to be clear, I was like, "Had enough of what?"
Brandon's like, "Stevie. I did everything I could to suffer through his insults and insecurities and his demands...and I'm done. I'm so DONE, Billy!" He was speaking softly in the library, but I could tell that it was a struggle for him to contain his emotions, because he was gritting his teeth and fighting to keep his voice quiet enough to keep us from getting kicked out. "I want out. I'm telling him tonight. I'm calling him up, and I'm telling him it's over. I'm not going to sit back and let somebody else run my life. So that's it. It's over."
Here comes the dysfunctional part. Because I should have totally been egging Brandon on, like, 'Yeah! Fuck that guy! Let him go!' But instead, I got worried that it would not only break Stevie's heart in two, but he'd surely think that Brandon did it because of ME! I mean, how many students in here saw us sitting together right then? How long before Stevie knows that Brandon and I were together just hours before they broke up. I'm not doing anything wrong! I'm NOT trying to steal him back anymore! I just...I shouldn't give a shit, but...dammit, I do. My heart's defective. I swear it is.
I said to Brandon, "No, wait. I mean...everybody has disagreements. If you guys don't disagree every once in a while, then it means you're not being honest with each other. Right? So...it's a good thing."
Brandon's literally turning red in the face with frustration. I thought that he was going to start pounding his fists on the table soon if he didn't get this out. He's like, "No, Billy...enough is enough. He has a series of problems that I just can't fix. It's not my JOB to fix them. It's gotten out of control, and he's gotten it in his head that he can just snap his fingers and control my reality the way he does his own. And I'm not gonna let him do it. Screw that. If he's so wrapped up in his own little dream world, then I'm gonna leave him to it. Let him stay alone."
It was almost scary how close he came to say the same exact words I said to Jimmy in the mall last month. Yikes. I tried to calm him down a bit, and I was like, "No...don't think like that. I know Stevie may have his flaws and all, but he's just...going through rough time right now. Of course he's going to be insecure. The people in this place haven't been very nice to him, after all."
But Brandon's like, "That's not my fault. If Stevie wanted help, then he should ask me for help. If he wanted me to be there for him and help him through it, then he should tell me. But he doesn't do that. He just gets pissed off at the world and then he blames it on me. Over and over again. I can't take it anymore. I'm done being his excuse for everything that's bothering him. I could have given him a helping hand, but he doesn't want help. He wants a scapegoat. He wants an emotional punching bag to take his frustrations out on. Well, I'm not that guy. I will never be that guy for him. He can find himself some other sucker, because I am not going to waste my time and energy on trying to figure out somebody who won't talk to me. I just won't do it."
I'm like, "Well...." But he cut me off. Still fuming.
He's like, "I mean, what the hell is the big SECRET??? What is it? He gets mad, he gets depressed, he gets happy again...nd I have absolutely *NO* fucking idea WHY because he never tells me anything!" Brandon's voice started to get a bit loud, and I saw a 'look' coming our way from the librarian. I tried to give Brandon the signal to lower his voice, and he said, "Sorry. Just...ugh...this has gone on for too long already. I don't know why I didn't do this sooner."
Trying to be the voice of reason, if you can call it that, I said, "I know that you're upset..."
He's like, "I'm WAY past upset, Billy!"
And I said, "Ok...I get it. But just...think of things from Stevie's angle right now. I think he just... he um..." Come on, Billy..think. I said, "...He just wants to keep you close. He's scared and he's worried about all that's going on with the bullying and stuff...he needs you. He wants you guys to be happy. And he wants...he just want that happy fairy tale ending, you know? And that's you. Everything is riding on you. You're the fairy tale, Brandon."
But Brandon answered, "That's just it, Billy. That's the problem. It's all about Stevie. ALWAYS about Stevie. He wants, he wants, he wants, he wants....what about what *I* want? When do MY interests and requests and comments get to matter? He just runs around thinking about what he has, what he doesn't have, what he wants me to do or not do...what *I* want doesn't fit into his little plan at all. If anything, it's a threat to it. As far as he's concerned, I'm just a dusty piece of furniture on the set of his own little mental stage play. Something to be moved around and positioned and angled just the way HE wants it like a common house plant. You know, I don't think he even pays attention to half the things I say to him. He doesn't think about what I want out of this relationship. And you wanna know why? Because he doesn't fucking CARE!!!"
That time he raised his voice a bit too loud, and we got a warning from the desk. But Brandon was so angry that he decided he'd rather leave the room than try to hold his fury in for a minute longer. So...he sprung up out of his seat, in just a few seconds, he was gone. Staring angrily at the librarian on his way out. I had never seen him like that before in my LIFE! Not Brandon. Quiet little sweetheart Brandon. I don't know what Stevie did to piss him off this time, but it was evidently the last straw.
I wonder if they're broken up right now. Just like Bobby Jinette said they would be. I don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I can honestly say that I had nothing to do with the end of their relationship. If it is indeed over between them...Stevie can't blame it on ME. I tried to help that little weasel out as much as I could. I can't fix selfishness. Nobody can, except for the person who's selfish. Even then, they're prolly too selfish to notice. So why should they care?
I don't know...part of me hopes that Stevie is ok. But, I'd be lying if I didn't mention that a much bigger part of me is screaming 'GOOD for him!' Hey...after all the pain and anguish that boy has pt me through, intentionally and unintentionally...let me have my tiny parade over his inevitable downfall. Nobody deserves to have their heart broken. But some people EARN it, and they do it by the behavior they inflict on the people who are just trying to love them.
Anyway, I've gotta figure out what to say to Lee tonight. So I should go. I'll write more tomorrow. Hopefully I can avoid Jimmy and won't have to hear about the awesome sex he had today. I could do without that. I'm horny enough.
Laters...
- Billy
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