Billy Chase 284
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Monday
- You know...the more I try to 'be good'...the more I realize that 'being good' pretty much means having absolutely NO fun at all. In fact, I feel more boxed in and restrained than ever. Is this what the supposed moral high ground is supposed to feel like? Because it sucks. It's all secrets and denial and pretending that I don't want what I want when I want it. Ugh! Whatever. Society is screwed up, I might as well join the inmates at the asylum of adulthood.
Sam called me this morning before school. Which already got my day off to a weird start. I was still eating breakfast at the time, and he's like, "My mom's gone to work. You wanna come over?"
Which is like...what? I was like, "I thought you were grounded?"
And he's like, "Yeah, when she's HERE. But she's gone. And I'm bored out of my mind. So come over already." The weird thing is...I can almost hear the little whine in his voice. It's like...this really cute thing that he does when he wants to...like, mess around. And I sorta promised myself that I wasn't gonna put myself in that position anymore. It was leading to bad things and getting progressively worse. So...that's just a no no.
But...just hearing that sexy little whine of his...knowing that he was JUST a few houses down from me, and was probably waiting on his bed for me with his succulent meat just laying across his thigh, all warm and half erect and damp from his morning shower....it made me soooo hard! I swear to God, my mouth was watering. I could hardly finish eating.
And what did I do? Like an IDIOT, I told him, "Oh...I'm sorry, dude. Actually, I've gotta finish some of my homework before school today. It's kind of a big deal, so..."
There was a pause, and Sam was like, "Ok, well...I mean, you could do it over here, if you want."
Be strong, Billy. I chuckled a little and said, "You know I'm not going to get anything done if I come over there. It won't take me long. I just need to finish, k?"
Then, Sam's wheels were turning and he says, "You wanna ditch first period or something? I mean, I'm already in trouble. Nobody will miss us."
Oh God, I want that boy inside me soooo badly! But again, I was like, "Well...my first period is what I need the homework for. So...it's kinda...I mean, I have to go, so..."
Do you know how hard it is to sit at my kitchen table, eating breakfast, when my boner is rock solid and scraping the edge of the table? I think I'm starting to see what Jimmy was talking about in terms of just...needing some immediate attention every now and then.
Anyway, so I made sure to go over there with JUST enough time for us to go to school, and when I rang the doorbell, Sam was still in his boxers. I guess he was still kinda holding out hope for a quickie or something. He didn't get one. It just felt weird. I can't really put my finger on it, but as much as I wanted him before...I was kinda turned off by the idea that he just expected me to perform for him whenever he felt like it, and stay away from him whenever he didn't. I just...I wanted all or nothing. This half and half situation was nerve wracking to say the least.
Anyway, I bumped into Trace at one point after third period, but instead of the usual carefree grin...he seemed kinda secretive about wanting to talk to me. He was talking really low. I could barely make out what he was saying. Not to mention that his expression was probably more serious than I had ever seen it before. I guess he noticed me straining to hear him or something, because he kinda rolled his eyes a bit and he mumbled, "Listen...I mean, we're ok, you and me, right? We can forget about...you know..." I didn't say anything, just kept my mouth shut. So he's like, "I mean...that weirdness on Friday night. I'd much rather pretend that it never happened, ok? It was just...a really tough night."
I said, "Oh, dude...no way. Don't worry about it. I mean, I kinda liked the time we spent together on Friday." Yeah. I knew what I was doing. I mean, if Trace was trying to get rid of any of the intimacy we shared that night with my head on his shoulder, I wasn't gonna let him do it. What if he's just trying to 'hide' from me or something? I don't want him to hide. I want to let him know it's ok. I want to do something...as Simon would say...reckless. But this time, when I touched Trace's arm, he kinda pulled away from me and looked around the hall to see who was watching us. His brow was a little wrinkled up at the time. I don't know if he was frowning or just a bit confused. He's so damn cute either way that I couldn't quite tell.
Then he's like, "Anyway...so yeah. Just wanted to tell you that. I'm usually not so emo, I just get tired sometimes. I'll make it up to you, k?"
I said, "You don't have to make anything up to me, Trace. I just...I like being around you. That's all." I was trying to sound as neutral as possible, but he only distanced himself from me more.
He's like, "Cool. Well, I've got to go. All of Simon's tutoring is gonna go to waste if I don't actually go to class." And he left me. I was actually standing there like an idiot, not knowing what to think. What the hell was THAT about? I was actually trying to 'advance' things a little with him, and now he's pushing me away. I was actually kinda proud of myself for being so close to him on Friday night. And now he's treating me like I've been diagnosed with the swine flu. Sigh...boys can be so damn CONFUSING sometimes!!!
As I got out of gym today, Ian was waiting in the hall for Bobby, who was still getting dressed at the time. His face brightened up, and he's like, "Hey, Billy! What's up?" Not in an affectionate way, just in a cheerful and friendly way. But unfortunately, I don't think Bobby is gonna know the difference on first glance. Still, I said hi and he just started talking to me. Which made me nervous, because I didn't want Bobby to come out and see me talking to him. But as I kinda started walking towards my class really slowly, he turned around and started walking with me. Which would look even worse if Bobby saw that. So I stopped.
Don't get me wrong, Ian's a really pleasant guy to be around. It's just...Bobby is still on shaky ground with the whole 'trying to get the boy' concept, and I think I'm partially to blame for that. So I just...I want him to get his boyfriend, you know? He so OBVIOUSLY likes Bobby more than most boys would like other boys that randomly meet in the park. And then, once Bobby is a little more secure about things, Ian would be a cool friend to keep on my side. Certainly.
We were interrupted by a group of girls that were laughing at a volume hat was just plain designed to be annoying. All of them were blond, three in a row. Just needed attention for that particular moment, I guess. I noticed Ian's face was kinda showing signs of annoyance too, and he's like, "Why do people do that? Why do some people just HAVE to be the center of attention all the time?"
I'm like, "I know, right? 'Hey, look at me! Because I'm just soooo special and unique.' Why can't they get attention without resorting to tricks and gimmicks like extremely loud noises. They're already pretty, what else do they want?"
Ian chuckled, "I wouldn't have even given them that much credit. Hehehe! They're just walking around kissing each other's asses. They look like the friggin' Human Centipede."
I cringed at the mere mention of that movie. I was like, "Omigod! Please don't say that. I'm still trying to get over that movie."
He's like, "Oh wow, you've actually seen it too? Yikes. Hehehe, I mean it wasn't THAT bad, but still..."
I said, "I was to me. I could do without that in my life, thank you. Hehehe!"
He's like, I've always been a big horror fan, so...maybe I'm desensitized to it all at this point."
I said, "Oh I LOVE horror movies, but they're just not really as scary as the used to be. Most of them are just gory, which isn't the same thing. I'd rather be creeped out. The whole 'Saw' and 'Hostel' thing...I mean, it's entertaining, but it's not scary."
Ian flashed me a smile, and said, "Oh, believe me...I could give you a list of newer movies that would really freak you out. Trust me." I think I had gotten myself more interested in our chit chat than I was trying to avoid being seen by Bobby. So naturally, I froze up a little when I saw him come out of the locker room and start heading in our direction.
I cut everything short and told Ian, "Hey dude...you know what? I've gotta run. But I'll talk to you later, k?" Bobby hadn't even gotten there yet before I started walking away. But I made sure to give him a wave too, like, "S'up, Bobby? Gotta run. See ya!"
Did that look suspicious? I don't know, I think that looked suspicious. Ugh! Why the hell am I worried about looking suspicious??? I didn't DO anything! I can't talk to Trace, I can't talk to Ian, I can't talk to Brandon, I have to avoid Sam in the mornings...fuck! Why don't I just get myself a tiny little box under the expressway to live in where I don't have to talk to anybody anymore. I'm tired of feeling like Pac Man in that place, running around corners trying to dodge the people haunting me. It's not fair.
Anyway, I didn't get any angry emails or anything from Bobby tonight, so I'm guessing that it was no major offense. Who knows? I guess I'll find out for sure tomorrow, won't I? I doubt he'll go another 24 hours without saying anything.
I've got to put a load of laundry in the wash tonight. I know it's late, but all my favorite shirts are dirty, and I need something nice to wear tomorrow. So I'm gonna wrap this up for now.
But I will say this...I got this really strange urge tonight out of nowhere....and I sent Lee an email. It was REALLY short, and I put a little smiley face on it as a friendly touch, but I made sure that it was about as non-romantic as it could possibly get. No mistakes. I just....I wanted to say hello. Maybe it was just talking so easily with Ian today that did it, but it sort of made me miss him. That sort of pressure free friendship. I mean...with Bobby acting weird, and Jimmy being all AJ crazy again, Trace shrugging me off, and Sam being grounded (not to mention that sex has kinda complicated things between us now)...it would be cool to just sit back and talk with someone. I never really had a problem with Lee's friendship. He's still really cool and cute and funny and all. He just...doesn't know how to give any more of himself when it comes to a relationship. But as a friend, he's great. So...yeah. I wrote him. Didn't hear back from him, but he might not be online anymore for the night. Hopefully he'll write back soon.
Ok, I'm off!
Laters...
- Billy
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