This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments, suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty Six. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
Billy
A small convoy of cars left the cemetery so we joined in and followed them to a house in Irvington. I don't know which of us was more nervous as we got out of the car but Danny took charge.
"Okay, Billy, I know this is going to be tough but you've always been able to bluff your way through anything. Just go in there and act like the last five years didn't happen, like it's old times with the family. Be yourself and act natural. Let them be the ones who are uncomfortable. We don't have to stay long. I know you can pull it off."
"Yeah, I'm glad you think so."
Danny's advice actually helped a lot. All week I had been focusing on the situation of the past several years, of the separation, of the issue of my being gay and the abuse in my childhood. As we entered the house I thought about the family gatherings I went to as a teenager, before I remembered the abuse, before they all knew I was gay. I put myself into that state of mind. I was better prepared to deal with them on that level. Besides, I'd grown up a lot and had developed social skills for handling people, both through years at The Restaurant and through teaching. I was still running a bluff, however.
A woman I didn't know was taking coats just inside the front door. We walked into the living room and there they were. I took on my sister first.
"Sharon, good to see you, though I wish it were under happier circumstances. Duane, how are you, man? This is Dan Stephens."
I gave my sister a hug and held out my hand to her husband. He ignored it and turned away. Neither of them even acknowledged Danny's presence. I took a deep breath and turned toward Mama. She didn't look much older though she did look tired.
"Mama, I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you holding up?"
I kissed her on the cheek. She seemed totally dumbfounded.
"You remember Danny, don't you?" It was hard to keep a straight face as I said that.
"Y-yes, of course. I'm holding up quite well, with the help of the Lord. How are you doing, William?"
"I'm doing fine. Danny and I are just fine."
I turned to look for Gram. I wasn't sure how long I could keep this up. I saw her through a doorway to what looked like the kitchen and pulled Danny in that direction.
A couple of women I recognized from church were helping Gram take food out of the refrigerator and get it ready for serving. They quietly excused themselves when they saw Danny and me. I embraced Gram and held her a long time.
"It is really good to see you, Gram, but this whole scene is so uncomfortable. I don't think Danny and I are going to stay long. You have to come out to Morristown and see our house before you go home. We both want to spend some time with you."
"And I want to see lots more of you boys. Don't worry, William, I think I'm stayin' up here for some time. Sara's gonna need me for a while."
"How is she doing, Gram?"
"Not too bad, considerin'. Taking care of your father after the first stroke took a lot out of her. Reverend Brown and Sharon have spent a lot of time with her the last couple of days. She just needs time for it all to sink in and get some rest and then she can start to heal. It would help if the two of you could have a talk."
"I don't know if that would be a help or not, Gram."
"It would be good for both of you. Your visit the other night did your father a world of good."
"I'm not sure about that. After all, he died the next day."
"He was able to let go because he was finally at peace. He couldn't tell me about your visit but it showed in his eyes."
"Well, I don't think this is the time or place to talk to Mama, Gram. Maybe the two of you could come out to our house for dinner and we could talk. I'm not sure if Mama wants to, though."
"I think I can talk her into it, William. I've been workin' on her for a while. I'll call you and we can make plans."
I dragged Danny through the house and said hello to the few people I remembered from Mama's church. I introduced Danny to my Aunt Cora and Uncle Roy. They were both very distant and neither one offered to shake hands. I was talking to Reverend Brown when Sharon came up to my side.
"Can I see you a minute, William?"
I followed her into a corner of the dining room, leaving Danny with the reverend.
"I can't believe you had the balls to show up at the funeral, especially with that white boy." She nodded back toward the living room.
"I had plenty of reasons not to come, Sharon, but I had as much right to be there as you. He was my father, too. And where I go, Danny goes. You brought Duane, after all."
"You can't seriously think it's the same thing, William. I want the two of you out of my house."
"I'd hoped you'd be more understanding. We used to be close, a long time ago. But no need to make a fuss about it, we were just about to leave. Thanks for the hospitality, sis."
Someone announced that the food was ready and everyone headed toward the dining room. I slipped out, grabbed Danny and went out into the hall. I was putting my coat on when I felt a tug on one sleeve. It was my nephew, Will.
"You didn't answer my question before. Who are you?"
I squatted down to be face to face with him, smiled and put a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm your mama's brother. I'm your Uncle Billy. You were named after me. This is your Uncle Danny."
He looked back and forth between us, looking a little perplexed. Just then, Duane came into the hall.
"I told you to stay away from these men, Will. Now git." He gave Will a little shove toward the living room and turned to me.
"I won't have no faggot pawing at my boy. Just stay away from him if you know what's good for you."
I gave him my most charming smile.
"Go fuck yourself, Duane."
I took Danny by the arm and we left.
Danny
I was proud of the way Billy handled himself at the funeral but it was really a strain on his nerves. It was pretty rough for me, too. We both breathed sighs of relief as we got into the car to go home.
"So what do you think, Billy? Do you want to have your mother for dinner and try to patch things up?"
"I don't know if it's possible but I'd like to at least hear her out. We may not ever get along, but I need some answers from her."
Gram called a few days later and we arranged for her and Mrs. Matthews to come to the house for dinner the next Saturday. Lucy offered to take the boys to the Heath's for the evening and Charles got himself invited to Keith's parent's house for dinner.
We set the time for five o'clock so Billy and his mother could have some time to talk before dinner. Gram was her usual warm, loving self when they arrived. Mrs. Matthews was very stiff and formal. Billy took her into the sunroom to talk and Gram joined me in the kitchen. I had just put a chicken in the oven to roast and there wasn't much to do for a while so I took her on a tour of the house. To say that she was impressed would be putting it mildly. We ended up back in the kitchen where she took over the rest of the meal preparations. I had no problem with that, having fallen in love with her cooking when we visited her in South Carolina.
"You and William have a beautiful home, Danny. You should be proud of yourselves."
"We are, Gram. We both love this house but I'd be happy anywhere as long as I was with Billy."
"I was hopin' to meet my great-grandsons tonight. Where are your boys?"
"Lucy took them to her fiancé's home for the evening. If things go well with Billy and his mother you can both meet them next time. If not, we're going to have you over as much as possible while you're up here anyway. How do you think they'll make out in there?"
"I've got my fingers crossed, Danny. I know Sara loves him. She just gets so worked up over the way she sees the Bible. Even Reverend Brown has been trying to get her to see the Bible has more important things to say about love than who you sleep with."
"Maybe they'll work it out. I don't hold out much hope for Sharon and Duane, though. They were pretty rude after the funeral."
"I think I can get Sharon in line. She's still a bit afraid of me. After you boys left last week I told her I'd take a switch to her if she ever acted like that toward you or her brother again. She's not so bad, you know. When they were growing up she adored William, even named her boy after him. I think she's just been swayed by that husband of hers."
"Well, Gram, it would be nice if the whole family could work things out but what's really important are those two in the sunroom."
Gram finished up the food preparations and then fixed us each a cup of tea. We sat at the kitchen table and waited for Billy and his mother.
"How are you doin' with all of this, Danny? I know you've got your own problems with your family. This must he hard on you, seeing William trying to work things out with his family, not being able to do the same with yours."
"I'm trying not to think about it too much, Gram. I'm happy for Billy and I'm trying to help him through this the best I can. It's hard, though. I always thought that if one of us was going to make up with our family it would be me."
Gram got up, stood next to me and pulled me to her, hugging me and crushing my head into her bosom.
"Your turn will come, Danny. You are such a sweet loving boy. I can't tell you enough how happy I am that William found someone like you. Your family is missing so much."
Billy
I wasn't at all stressed out at the prospect of talking to Mama. I'd been nervous at the funeral because of all of the antagonism I knew I was going to face. That was past. Now it was just Mama and Gram, and Gram was on my side. Besides, Mama was going to be the one on the defensive. I didn't give a damn what she thought about my lifestyle any more but I wanted some answers about my childhood. Mama tried to make small talk at first.
"This is such a big house, William."
"It is, Mama, but we have quite a little family we've put together here. I'll tell you about it later."
"Well, this is a very nice place. You boys aren't doing anything illegal, are you?"
"No, Mama." Not unless you count what we do in bed every night, I thought, but that wasn't what she meant. "We both work very hard and are careful with our money."
"You seem to be getting on just fine. I have to tell you though that I still don't think the way you're living is right."
Some things never change. I don't know why I thought that maybe they would.
"I'm not going to argue with you about that. If you want to be in my life you have to accept me the way I am. If you can't, then you won't be in my life. It's that simple."
"I have missed you terribly, William. I don't know why you turned out the way you did, but you're still my boy. I suppose if I have to I can get used to you being homosexual but don't expect too much from me, not right away. I've been struggling with this a long time now and haven't gotten very far."
"Maybe we can work on it, maybe seeing how happy Danny and I are together will make a difference. But before we get into that, I have some questions about my childhood, about Pop."
Mama looked away and started fidgeting with her hands.
"I-I'm not sure what you mean. Why would you have any questions about your childhood after all these years?"
"I'm talking about how Pop used to beat me when I was little, about how you let him beat me."
I didn't mean to sound angry but I couldn't keep the edge out of my voice. Mama looked down at her hands in her lap, let out a great sigh and spoke very quietly.
"You remember."
"Yes, Mama, I remember, and I want to know how you could have let him do that."
"Your father was a good man, William, most of the time, anyway, but he was troubled. I don't know just what was behind it. I do know that he had some bad times in the war. When we first got married, he used to have nightmares, like you did later on. Sometimes he drank too much. Sometimes when he drank he hit me. There was an anger in him that I didn't understand but that all seemed to end when Sharon was born. He calmed down then. Things were good."
"So what happened?"
"After you were born, he changed again. I don't know why, but everything about you seemed to upset him. When you were a baby he'd go off every time you'd cry or fuss, mostly just yelling at you or me. Later, he started to get physically rough. Sometimes if he'd been drinking, he'd hit you. It didn't happen often but when I tried to stop him he only got worse."
"So you let just him go on hurting me?"
"Like I said, it didn't happen very often, William, the times he hit you a lot, anyway. You've got to believe that. Mostly he didn't hit you any harder than a good spanking would have been."
"I remember it, Mama. I remember a lot worse than spanking."
"I'll admit he got carried away a few times, but no more than three or four times, I swear. There didn't seem to be any way for me to stop him. But then one day when you were four, you spilled a glass of juice in the kitchen and broke the glass. He lost his temper and hit you a few times and then started to choke you. You couldn't breathe and I thought you were going to die. I grabbed a butcher knife and cut his arm pretty bad and he let go of you. I told him if he ever touched you again I'd kill him. I meant it and he knew I did. He left you alone after that. After a while it seemed that he'd finally come to his senses, that whatever demons he had inside him were gone. He was a good husband and father most of the time after that. You didn't seem to have any memory of those bad times and were a happy child so I thought that was all behind us."
I thought about that long ugly scar he had on his upper left arm. I always thought he got that in the war.
"Didn't you ever wonder what my nightmares were all about, Mama?"
"Oh, I was afraid that was it, but I thanked the Lord you didn't remember them when you woke up. How long have you known?"
"Since that day I left home. It all came back to me."
"I'm sorry I didn't do a better job protecting you but I was afraid, William. He used to hit me, too. And he never really hurt you bad. The one time he was out of control I did stop him. I'm not trying to make excuses for either him or me. I did my best but it probably wasn't enough. Please don't hate me."
I just sat and thought for a few minutes. With every word she'd said I could come up with a picture, a horrible image of what had gone on. Oh God, it would have been so easy to hate them both but what good would that do? We had no idea why Pop had done what he did and now he was gone. Mama tried and though I agreed that she should have done more, maybe she had done her best. I could tell that the memories of all of this tortured her much the same way it did me.
"I don't hate you, Mama. I don't hate Pop either. I guess I'll never understand it and try as I might I can't quite forgive it, but I don't want to hate anyone."
"I probably don't deserve that, but I'm glad. You're more accepting that I was. And please believe me, I'm trying to understand the way you are. I realize now that you love Danny. It's just that when I think about you in bed with another man, my mind just can't accept that."
"Whoa, Mama, stop right there. Let me ask you this. What goes through your mind when you picture Sharon and Duane making love?"
Mama looked a combination of horrified and confused.
"What are you talking about, boy? I don't ever think of that. That's none of my business."
"Exactly, Mama. This isn't a gay thing we're talking about here. Children never want to think of their parents having sex, so they don't. And no parent wants to think of their child having sex, so they don't. Maybe we think we're invading the privacy of someone we love by thinking of them that way. You don't want to know what Sharon and Duane do in bed and you shouldn't want to know what Danny and I do. Try to think of it that way."
"I know what you're saying, but it's hard. I'm used to the idea of a man and woman. Two men is something so different it's hard not to think about it."
"Danny and I used to do speaking engagements, mostly at colleges, trying to get people to understand what it's like to be gay. Now and then some college kid would ask what we did in bed. Our answer was always very simple. We make love. That's all anyone needs to know. That's all you need to know and should want to know. That's it."
"I'll try, son. I suppose I'll get used to all of this. I've missed you so much over these years. I don't want to lose you again."
"Trying is all I'm asking for, Mama, all either of us can expect from the other at this point. I've missed you, too. I want things to get better between us, too."
We stood and embraced. I knew I hadn't grown any since I'd left home but somehow Mama seemed smaller than I'd remembered. Maybe we just hadn't hugged much in those last few years I was at home. Or maybe I'd grown in other ways.
We joined Danny and Gram in the kitchen as they were getting supper ready to serve. It was a pretty awkward meal but Gram kept the conversation flowing. I tried to catch Mama up on some of the last five years. Danny was quieter than usual. He mostly talked to Gram though he was polite to Mama. Toward the end of the meal I explained to Mama about Tyler and Jason. She wasn't very accepting at first but we talked right through coffee and dessert. After a while she was at least as comfortable with the idea of our boys as she was with me being gay, although that wasn't saying much.
It was a start, anyway. We agreed to get together again soon to talk some more and introduce Mama to the boys, Lucy and Charles. Mama said she'd work on Sharon. She agreed with Gram's assessment that Sharon's opposition to me was mostly due to Duane.
After they left Danny and I cleaned up and waited for Lucy to come home with the boys.
"So do you feel better now, Billy?"
"I don't know, Danny. I asked my questions and got some answers. I suppose it's a relief to know there were only a few serious beatings and that Mama put an end to it when it got really bad, but I don't know if there's a way to feel better about any of it. It's over, that's all, a closed chapter in my life. Time to move on."
"That's easier said than done, baby."
"Yeah, I'm sure, but I've got to try."