This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments, suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty Six. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
January 1975
Charles
I knew how much everyone loved Brad but even so I was prepared not to like him much. After all, not only was he white, but he was straight and he was ten years older than me so I really didn't think I was going to be able to relate to him at all. He was over at the house all the time though and I found that he was really easy to be around. He went out of his way to get to know me. Now and then he got kind of quiet and withdrawn but the guys said that was to be expected after what he'd been through in Nam.
The biggest change was in Lucy, though. She'd always been so warm and laidback and took such good care of everyone. It was like she was everyone's big sister. But once Brad was back, she was a 'woman in love'. It was just amazing how alive and sexy she was all the time. I'd thought of her as a mother and sister but she had become a hot woman. It was so obvious to me how much she and Brad belonged together. I loved seeing her so happy, but at the same time it again reminded me that I didn't have anyone. At least Mark was single, too, so I wasn't the only one, although Mark had had a couple of boyfriends and I was still dreaming about my first.
One day I came home from school and Brad was alone in the house baby-sitting Tyler and Jason.
"Lucy had to run out to the store so I decided to spend some time getting to know these little guys. They're so loveable."
"I know what you mean. I was around a few babies in my foster homes but I never felt about them the way I feel about these two. It's like they really are my little brothers, not just someone else's kids."
"It's going to be tough when Lucy moves out of here."
"Moves out? What do you mean?"
"Well, we haven't set a date but we are going to be getting married, probably in the fall. As big as it is, there really isn't room for all of us to live in this house. We've been talking it over with Billy and Danny. Lucy and I are going to try to find a place of our own in the neighborhood. She will still take care of the boys during the day, but they'll live here with their fathers."
"I hadn't really thought about all of that. It makes sense, I guess, but I'm gonna miss Lucy. So are the babies."
"She'll still be around every day. Everyone will get used to the new arrangements in no time."
"I guess you're right. We see Mark and Aunt Connie all the time and they don't live here."
"Besides, Charles, that's still months away. By then you'll be sick of me hanging around here so much and will be glad to see Lucy move out with me."
"I doubt it, Brad. I really like you. I wasn't sure I would but I can see why everyone loves you so much."
"Thank, buddy. You're a pretty nice addition to our family, too."
Mark
It was lucky I had few weeks off from school before starting my last semester. There was no way I could concentrate on school with Brad home. It was hard enough to go to work at The Restaurant. Of course, I couldn't spend all the time I wanted with Brad. Lucy had first dibs on him. It was still so great though. Although most of the time when I saw him it was with the whole gang, a couple of times a week he came up to my apartment and just hung out with me.
"It's so weird seeing you living in this place, Mark. I keep thinking about that day we found you on the bathroom floor. Doesn't that ever bother you?"
"Only every time I have to go to the bathroom. Seriously, though, it did bother me in the beginning. The first thing I did when I moved in here was paint that room and get a new rug, window blinds and shower curtain, anything to make it look like a different room. It's not so bad now. Besides, my life has changed so much since then."
"Yeah, so you've told me. I want to kill Peter every time I think of what you went through with him. He's lucky I wasn't around."
"It wasn't all his fault, Brad. I let things happen that I shouldn't have. But it's all over now and I think I'm back on track."
I hadn't intended to tell Brad everything about what I'd done with Peter. It was bad enough that Billy and Danny knew but one night about a week after he got home Brad was over and we were talking and it had all come out, including that last night at the baths. Brad had been furious with Peter but also upset with me that I had allowed myself to fall apart so badly. He'd given me a lecture and I'd cried and then he'd held me until I felt better. And then it was over. I was afraid he'd think less of me after that but we just put it behind us.
"So have you called Joe yet, Mark?"
"No, not yet. I want to ask him out, but I don't want to rush things."
"Stop putting it off, Mark. You might lose him again. You know you still love him and you think he may still love you. I want you to call him right now. Come down to the guys' house after you've talked to him."
Brad got up, hugged me and went downstairs. I sat and looked at the phone a minute. I did love Joe. I suppose I always had. He was sweet, loving and I'd always loved being with him. We were never uncomfortable around each other. Plus, he had that hot little body. It wasn't that I didn't want to start seeing him. I did. It's just that I was so afraid if for some reason it didn't work out. I wasn't sure I could handle that.
I finally picked up the telephone and called. He sounded happy to hear from me and readily agreed to meet me at Julius' after work Friday night.
I was nervous all evening at The Restaurant but relaxed as soon as I walked in the back door of Julius' and saw him standing at the jukebox. He greeted me with a warm hug. We got a couple of beers and found a place to sit in the back.
"So what did you want to talk about, Mark?"
"Us, basically, Joe. You know we both have strong feelings for each other and for once we're both single at the same time. I was wondering if we could start over again, this time with the hope of something more permanent."
He was quiet for a minute and seemed to be studying his beer. I was beginning to think that maybe I'd misread his feelings, that maybe he just considered me an old friend.
"I think I'd like that a lot, Mark. There was something about us that just clicked, right from the start. I know it's not right comparing guys, but I haven't felt that with any guy I've gone out with since then. Let's give it a try."
"How about you come out to Morristown tomorrow night and I make us dinner? I'm not much of a cook but I don't think I'll poison you."
"How about I come home with you tonight and you can make me breakfast in the morning, stud?"
"Now why didn't I think of that?"
February 1975
Danny
One evening Billy was alone in the kitchen cleaning up the supper dishes. Lucy had gone to Brad's parents' for dinner and probably wouldn't be home until late. I was in the living room helping Charles with his algebra homework and keeping an eye on Tyler. The phone rang and I heard Billy pick it up. After a while he came into the living room looking very shaken.
"Who was on the phone, Billy?"
"It was Gram."
"Gram? Calling on a weeknight? She usually waits until Sunday when the long distance rates are cheaper. Is something wrong?"
"Yeah, there is, but she wasn't calling long distance. She's here in New Jersey, visiting Mama."
"Wow, this is the first time she's ever come up here. What's up?"
"It's Pop. He's had a massive stroke and is in East Orange General Hospital. They don't expect him to make it."
I had no idea what to say. Billy hadn't mentioned either of his parents in so long, not even when I was thinking about trying to get in touch with mine. I knew his feelings of hostility toward both of them were strong and went way beyond their not accepting him as gay but I also knew that a part of him still loved them on some level. After all, they were his parents.
"What did Gram say about it, Billy?"
"Apparently he had a smaller stroke last summer that left him slightly paralyzed on one side. He had to retire on disability. This one was a lot worse. Gram took a bus up a couple of days ago to be with Mama." Billy hesitated a few seconds. "Gram thinks I should go see him."
I got up and walked over to Billy and hugged him. He was trembling and held onto me tightly.
"What do you think, Billy?"
"I really don't want to go, Danny. You know I've always said I never wanted to see him again and I've meant it."
"I don't blame you, Billy. From what you told me about what he did to you he's a nasty evil man. I don't feel sorry for him at all." I'd almost forgotten that Charles was in the room.
"Charles, I know you mean well but why don't you go upstairs for a while? I think Billy and I need to talk a bit in private."
"Sure, Danny. You want me to take Ty up with me?"
"No, that's okay. We'll watch him. But look in on Jase when you pass the nursery, okay?"
Charles gathered his books and took them upstairs. I got a brandy for each of us and we settled on the loveseat in the sunroom, with Billy sitting between my legs leaning back against my chest.
"Gram says I should try to forgive him. She says it's not good carrying all this hate inside me. I know she's right about that but I can't imagine forgiving him."
"Maybe you should at least try even if you don't succeed. Maybe you'll feel better for trying."
"That's pretty much what Gram said. She pointed out that I might never have another chance to forgive him so I shouldn't let it go by. Years from now when it's too late to do anything I may regret not going now."
"That makes sense, Billy. I think maybe you should go."
"I'm scared, Danny. You have no idea how much that man still terrifies me."
"I have a pretty good idea, Billy. I remember the nightmares and I was there that day after Christmas. I know it's going to be hard but you can do it. You have to do it. One way or another you've got to put this behind you. And you won't be alone. I'll go with you."
"Thanks baby. I know you have some pretty horrible memories of Pop as well."
"Don't remind me. So when do you think we should go? From what Gram said I suppose it should be soon."
"Gram suggested tomorrow evening. She said she and Mama spend the afternoon with him but they leave about seven after feeding him his dinner. Gram said if I got there after that I wouldn't run into anyone else from the family."
Billy
I actually had a minor version of one of my old nightmares that night. I was three years old again and Pop had me in a choke hold. I woke up in a cold sweat, trembling, having trouble breathing. I was completely disoriented in the dark. Danny pulled me toward him, lay me down on my side and spooned me from behind. He felt so good, so reassuring, just like the old days back in the dorm. I soon fell asleep again and woke up still in his arms.
I have no idea what I taught in school the next day. My mind was a million miles away from English. I didn't know if I could face Pop and I just wanted to get it over. On the way home I thought about getting off the train in East Orange and walking to the hospital except that would have put me there too early. Mama would be there and there was no way I was up for a confrontation with her so I went on home and had supper with the family. Not that I was able to eat anything. Afterward Danny and I drove to the hospital.
When we stopped at the nurses' station for directions to Pop's room the nurse tried to talk me out of seeing him.
"Visitor's hours are nearly over and his family was here most of the day. He's pretty tired now. Maybe you should come back tomorrow a little earlier. The family will be here then."
"I am family. He's my father and I'd like to see him now."
"Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know he had a son. Of course you can see him. Maybe your friend should wait out here, though."
"No, he's family, too."
She frowned but pointed the way to the room. Danny and I walked down the hall and stopped just outside the door.
"Maybe I should wait out here, Billy. It might be worse if I go in there with you. He never liked me and after our last encounter..."
"No, Dan, you've got to go in with me. I can't do this alone. I'm scared to death as it is. Please help me."
I grabbed his hand as I led the way through the door. I think it was half a desperate need for comfort and support and half a bit of bravado, of defiance. Pop was lying in the bed by the door but I almost didn't recognize him at first. He looked so small. He had always been a big man, a couple of inches taller than me and maybe forty pounds heavier. His aggressive personality had made him seem even bigger. Lying in that bed he looked like a shrunken version of the man I remembered. He had lost a lot of weight and he had a defeated, helpless look on his face. He struggled to turn his head toward the doorway as we walked in. His eyes opened wide as he recognized me. He glanced at Danny, looked down at our joined hands for a second, then looked back into my eyes. I seemed rooted to the spot, unable to move and unable to say anything.
We just stared at each other for what seemed an eternity. He didn't seem to be able to move or speak either, though I soon realized that was more due to the stroke than the surprise of my appearance. Finally, his right hand fluttered a little bit toward me. He swallowed a few times and seemed to be trying to say something. It came out garbled and slurred. I inched closer to him. He looked frustrated but kept trying to talk. I leaned in to him and strained my ears trying to figure out what he was trying to say. Finally, I got it. He was saying one word over and over.
"Sorry."
I nearly burst into tears. All of the anger and hate I'd been keeping bottled up inside me was suddenly gone. I didn't know exactly what he meant, what was sorry for, but this was a man who had never apologized to anyone for anything as far back as I could remember.
I let go of Danny's hand and took Pop's hand in mine. He gave my hand just the slightest squeeze. I looked him in the eyes.
"It's okay, Pop. It's okay."
A tear ran from the corner of his eye. He tried to smile but it came out lopsided. He looked over at Danny again and I felt his hand twitch. With my free hand I reached behind me for Danny.
"Come over here, Dan."
Danny stepped up next to me and I put my arm around his waist. Pop looked up at Danny and gave that crooked little smile again. He nodded his head just a tiny bit and sighed.
After a few seconds he closed his eyes and I realized he'd dropped off to sleep. We waited a few minutes but he didn't wake up again so we quietly left the room and went down to the parking lot. Danny drove, as usual, and I just stared out the window into the night, thinking about what had just happened. Neither of us said a word all the way home. We pulled into the driveway and Danny shut off the engine and lights. We just sat there in the dark for a few minutes.
"So do you forgive him, Billy?"
"I don't know, Danny. I do know that the man in that bed is not the same man who beat me all those times when I was a kid. He's not the same man who attacked me that day five years ago. He's dying and he's sorry. I can't ever forget what he did but I can't keep hating him for it either. Forgive him? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe in time."
Danny
Billy was quiet the rest of the evening and at breakfast the next morning as well. I didn't know if he was going to want to go back to the hospital that night but I made sure I had supper ready before he got home just in case. He was no more than in the door when the telephone rang. It was Gram again. Billy talked to her for a few minutes and jotted down some notes. After he hung up he kept his hand on the phone and just stared at the wall for a minute.
"What is it, Billy?"
"He's gone, Danny. He went in his sleep a couple of hours ago."
I stepped up behind Billy and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to me. After a few seconds he turned around and hugged me tight. He buried his head in my neck and shoulder and I could feel his body convulse. His tears trickled down my neck and back. Charles walked in from the hallway, stopped short, did an about-face and left the room. Billy and I just stood there like that a while, holding each other tight. Finally his grasp loosened a bit and he stepped back, grabbed a tissue from the box on the counter and blew his nose.
"Sorry, babe, I didn't expect that reaction. I guess I've had a lot of emotions bottled up inside me for a while."
"It's only natural, Billy. In spite of everything, he was your father. There were good times, too. Part of you loved him."
"Yeah, and I know he loved me, too, as much as he could anyway."
Over supper I asked Billy about the arrangements.
"They're having viewings at the funeral home tomorrow and Friday, then the funeral will be Saturday morning at Mt. Zion Baptist Church. That's Mama's doing. The last time Pop was in a church was when they were married."
"So what do you want to do about it?"
"I want to go to the funeral itself, I think. In a way, Pop and I said goodbye last night, but funerals can give closure and I think I still need that."
"You don't want to go to the funeral home?"
"No, that would be too intense. That's all about the family getting together to share their grief. My presence would really disrupt things. I'm not sure I could deal with that anyway. At least at the church it's all about the service and not socializing. We might even get in and out without having to talk to anyone."
"I doubt it, Billy. You're gonna cause quite a stir showing up."
"You mean we, Danny. No way I can do this alone. I need your support and I want them all to see us together, to know you're my family now."
"Of course, Billy. I was assuming I'd go but it's up to you.
We got to the church a little before ten Saturday morning and I parked the car about half a block away. Billy made no move to get out of the car.
"Are you sure you're all right, baby?"
"Yeah, so far so good, Danny. I just want to wait until the last minute to make sure everyone else is already in there. I don't want to have to talk to anyone before the thing starts."
We sat there and watched as people went into the church. Finally, we got out of the car and approached the building ourselves. Billy stopped at the door and gave me a nervous smile.
"This is it, ready or not."
We hesitated and looked around just inside the door. The church was about half full with most of the people near the middle. I recognized Gram and Mrs. Matthews from the back in the front pew. Some people were looking our way and a few obviously recognized Billy. Whispers started spreading through the church. Billy grabbed my hand and led me to a seat in the next to the last pew. His mother turned just as we sat down. From the shocked look on her face Gram obviously hadn't told her we were coming.
Just then the minister came in and everyone turned to face forward and stopped whispering. I don't think either of us heard much of what was said during the service. Billy gripped my hand tightly throughout. As soon as it ended we slipped out the back. Billy looked around nervously.
"I really don't want to talk to anyone but I do want to see Gram. I'm not sure if we can catch her alone when everyone comes out."
We stood off to one side and watched as people left the church. The last ones out were Mrs. Matthews and Gram, accompanied by a thirtyish looking couple with a little boy. They stood together near the hearse as the casket was brought out and loaded into the back. Gram bent down and said something to the little boy and he broke away and walked over to us. He was a cute little kid, maybe six or seven years old. He looked nervously at me for a second and then turned to Billy tentatively.
"Excuse me, is your name Billy?"
Before Billy could say anything the man standing by the hearse with the family looked over at us and called out.
"Will! Get over here! Now!"
The little boy looked scared.
"Gram said to be sure to come to the cemetery," he blurted. "She wants to see you."
He turned and ran back to the family.
"Who was that, Billy?"
"My nephew, apparently. I haven't seen him since he was a baby but that's my sister and brother-in-law with Mama and Gram. It looks like we're going to the cemetery."
We joined in the procession of cars and followed them to the cemetery. Many of the people who had been at the church didn't come so it was harder to blend in with the smaller crowd, not that I could have anyway. We stood apart from the others for the brief graveside service. As soon as it ended Gram came over to us and hugged and kissed us both. I noticed several frowns as she did.
"Don't mind them, boys. You have more right to be here than most of them. It's so good to see you both. You're a beautiful sight for these old eyes."
"You look great, too, Gram."
"I want you to come to your sister's house, William. Everyone is going there for something to eat."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Gram. I'm sure nobody wants us there." Billy obviously didn't want to go but he had a hard time saying no to Gram.
"Nonsense, boy. I want you there. That's enough. Now follow us to the house."