This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments, suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty Six. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
August 1974
Lucy
As I lay in bed resting after the ordeal of delivery I thought how glad I was that Tyler's birth had been relatively easy. If I had had an experience like this last year I don't think I would have been too enthusiastic about having a second child. Fortunately, Billy had been so perfect in the delivery room. I lay there and thought about those beautiful brown eyes staring into mine, calming me, soothing me. Damn, Danny is one lucky man to be able to look into those eyes every night. As good as Billy was, though, he admitted afterward that he was pretty blown away by the intensity of labor.
Even though the boys had taken great care of Tyler and me last year I had every intention of milking it this time. Since Ty was sleeping through the night we had set up a crib for Jason in my room. No point in having two babies crying in the middle of the night. Of course, that meant I was stuck getting up for him but I had to do that to feed him anyway. During the day, though, the boys offered to do everything for both the boys and me and I let them.
The Monday after we came home from the hospital Aunt Connie was visiting and fussing over her new great-nephew when Danny finally got a call from Morristown High. He hung up the phone looking almost as happy as when he first saw Jason.
"I got it! I got the job!"
"Congratulations, baby. Didn't I tell you there was nothing to worry about?"
"Yeah, Billy, but you never know. The interviews went well but I didn't know who else they were considering."
"I was beginning to wonder when they were going to let you know." Aunt Connie looked up from Jason.
"You knew, Aunt Connie? Why didn't you tell me?"
"After teaching in that school for twenty years I have a few connections, Danny. One of the girls I went into the city with last week works in the history department with Mike Romano and he told her they'd made the decision. I forgot about it at first when Jason was born, then when I remembered I thought it might be better for you to get the official word from the school."
"What a relief! I've been so worried all summer. Now I can breathe. This is the best. I like the idea of teaching here in Morristown, not just because it's home but because the town is more diverse, ethnically and racially, than Chatham. Plus, during the interview Mr. Romano said he agreed with me about presenting a balanced version of history, the mistakes as well as the virtues. I'm really looking forward to next month now."
"Yeah, Danny, and now you can give notice at Rod's. You haven't been happy there all summer. And we can invest the money you made there in a new clutch. Maybe our old jalopy has a couple of years left in her."
I soon discovered that the real advantage to having Jason in August wasn't so much having the boys around when I went into labor but having Billy, Danny and Aunt Connie available full time when I came home from the hospital. Jason slept almost all the time he wasn't eating. Billy and Danny took charge of Tyler so I was able to spend a part of each day next door visiting with Aunt Connie.
"So is this it now, Lucinda? Two babies, one by each of the boys?"
"Yes, I think so, Aunt Connie. Brad and I had always talked about having lots of kids but that was different. I'm happy with Tyler and Jason and I'm sure the guys don't want any more."
"So your family is complete."
"At least for now. I'm still having trouble envisioning the future. I know I don't want to live the rest of my life as a 'widow', devoting myself completely to my children. They will always come first for me but I do eventually want a full life, although it's been two years and I still have no desire start dating, to start looking for romance again."
"There's no rush, Lucy. You're young, there's plenty of time."
"I know. I keep reminding myself that I do have so much love in my life that I'm thankful for - Billy, Danny, the babies, you. That's enough for now."
Charles
One afternoon not long after I started working at the supermarket Keith and Doug were talking about going swimming after work.
"Where do you guys swim?" I'd never been swimming in my life and didn't even know how but it was something I could say to join in the conversation.
"At the town pool in Burnham Park. Doesn't your family belong?"
"You have to be a member to go there, Keith?"
"Yeah, but I don't think it costs much. You should ask your parents."
"All the kids hang out there. It's a lot of fun. There's not much else to do in town in the summer."
"I'll ask when I get home tonight, Doug. I didn't know there was a place like that in town."
I hadn't told them that I was in a foster home. It's hard enough meeting new people and trying to make friends without them knowing you're some kind of abandoned kid that even your parents didn't want. When I got home I asked Billy about joining the pool.
"Danny and I heard about it when we first moved to town but he couldn't swim that summer because of some medical problems. We haven't really thought about it since then. Do you like to swim?"
"Actually, I don't know how, but I thought it might be a way for me to make some friends before school starts in the fall. That is, if it's not too expensive. I know things aren't too good right now."
"I'm sure a single membership for you won't put too big a dent in our budget, Charles. I think it's a good idea for you to join. Maybe you can take some lessons there. To tell you the truth, I can't really swim either. Danny taught me enough so I won't drown if I fall in a pool but no way I can go any distance."
"Maybe we can all join and you can learn some more, Billy."
"Unfortunately, I don't think their family membership would cover us and three single memberships would be a little too much right now. Maybe next year."
That night the guys got out their swim suits to see if any would fit me. They had these two tiny little red ones that I couldn't imagine wearing in public. I get a hardon every time I look at a cute guy and if I were wearing something like that it would be so obvious and embarrassing. Just thinking of Billy and Danny in those little suits got me hard. I ended up settling on a pair of trunks that was even baggier on me than intended. I wouldn't look very sexy but it would hide my dick and with the drawstring tied it wouldn't fall off. My next day off Billy went with me to the pool and bought me a badge, which I immediately pinned on my baggy trunks. I also signed up for swim lessons on my mornings off from work. Billy headed back home and I went into the pool area. I saw Doug and some kids I didn't know in the water. He called out to me.
"Hey, Charles, put your towel over there with ours and jump in."
I draped my towel over an empty chair and sat on the edge of the pool with my legs in the water. It was colder than I'd expected and I wasn't sure if I wanted to get in. Doug introduced me to the other kids whose names I immediately forgot because they started splashing me from all directions. A couple of them grabbed my arms and pulled me into the freezing water. I panicked as I realized it was over my head. I started flailing about and felt a couple of hands grab me and pull me up. I broke through the surface and gasped for air, grabbing at the side of the pool. Doug was holding me up, laughing.
"You jerk! I could have drowned."
"No way, man. I remembered that you said you couldn't swim so I was keeping an eye on you. Welcome to the pool."
We moved to shallower water and Doug introduced me to his friends again. The rest of the day was spent horsing around, dunking and splashing each other. I got into it as long as I was in water where I could touch the bottom.
The next few weeks I was at the pool on all of my days off and after work most days. After a few lessons I was able to float and began to be able to propel myself through the water a bit so I got a little more confident. Usually Doug was there, sometimes Keith, sometimes both. I started to get to know them and their friends a little better. They liked diving and wanted to teach me but no way was I deliberately aiming my head under water. I stuck to jumping in and struggling back to the side of the pool to climb out while they did their diving. Most of the time we were just roughhousing, jumping on each other, tackling each other. It was sort of like wrestling in the water. Doug especially seemed to like jumping me on which made me start to wonder. I mentioned it at dinner one night.
"Is there some way to tell if someone else is gay, Billy?"
"Not in most cases. What makes you ask that?"
"I was wondering about my friend Doug. At work he and Keith are always talking about girls and even at the pool he's always gawking at them with his friends, but he seems to like jumping all over me in the water."
"Guys are always doing stuff like that, Charles. It doesn't mean he's gay."
"Yeah, I know, Danny, but a couple of times he's grabbed my dick. Sorry, Lucy."
"No problem, Charles, I've grabbed a few dicks myself."
"Don't be putting ideas in the boy's head, Luce. Keep in mind, Charles, that he might not have grabbed you there on purpose. It might not mean anything."
"Well, a few times when he was wrestling me I could tell he was hard. I could feel it poking me."
"Again, it might not mean much. I'm sure you know that teenage boys get hard for no reason at all so any physical contact might cause it."
"Damn, I was hoping you guys could tell me what to do. He's a nice guy, he's sort of cute and I was hoping maybe he and I could get it on."
"Whoa, Charles. There's more to a relationship than just getting it on."
"I know, Billy, but it's a start."
"That's not exactly the place to start. How about getting to know him better, becoming better friends? Then, if you still think he's gay, you could start seeing each other, you know, dating. Sex should be a long way down the road."
"Gee, Danny, you guys keep telling me I should find a boyfriend my own age and when I think I may have a lead you tell me to slow down. I'm horny now. I thought you guys would understand."
"Danny and I both know what it's like to be sixteen and horny but we just don't want you jumping into anything. You could get hurt. Besides, sex is better when there's some feeling behind it."
I was really disappointed. First, I was hoping they could tell me some secret way to find out for sure if Doug was gay. Second, I thought they'd be more understanding about my wanting to have sex. From the sounds I sometimes heard coming from their room at night they sure seemed to enjoy it. I didn't think they'd be such prudes. I decided I was pretty much on my own trying to figure out how to deal with Doug.
Billy
The second half of the summer was so much happier than the first. Jason seems to have brought good luck with him. Danny was so tense all through July. I tried to reassure him even though I wasn't sure how we were going to make out if he didn't get a new job. The news from Morristown High lifted a great weight off all of us.
I think we were all a little nervous about Jason, though. Between his activity in the weeks before he was born and then his early arrival we thought he might turn out to be a problem baby, but through the first few weeks he was as perfect as Tyler had been. Maybe it was all the loving he got. Danny and I hardly let Lucy hold him at all. It's a wonder he got any sleep.
Both of us had work to do to get ready for the new school year as well. Danny had a new curriculum to familiarize himself with. For me it was a labor of love. June had convinced the Newark Board of Education to introduce an elective course in black literature at Central High. She and I were each going to teach part of the course so I had to put together my half.
About a week before Labor Day we were spending the afternoon in the living room. Danny was reading the paper and I was re-reading Eldridge Cleaver's "Soul on Ice," wondering if it was too radical to include in the new course. Jason was sleeping as usual and Tyler was amusing himself in his playpen. Lucy was next door with Aunt Connie. I suddenly got the feeling I was being watched. I looked up and Danny was staring at me.
"What are you looking at?"
"Not much."
"That's not nice."
"You know better, Billy. I was just wondering about that little mustache and goatee you've had all summer. It's soooo sexy and I love the way it tickles my butt but are you going to be allowed to keep it at school? The dress code for teachers at Morristown High says no facial hair. I'm still debating as to whether to wear my earring. I left it off all year at Chatham though that didn't seem to help me any."
"I don't think they're as strict in Newark. I know one teacher had a full beard last year. I think you should wear the earring. You look naked without it, not that I object to seeing you naked. These earrings have a lot of meaning for us and I hate to see you without it. But it's just as well you aren't allowed a beard. I'm not sure I'd like you with one. Besides, you couldn't grow one in any case."
"Hey, I'm not a kid. I shave every day."
"Yeah, Dan, but your beard is so fine and thin it wouldn't look right. Don't worry, I think you're adorable the way you are."
"I'm tired of being adorable. I want to be sexy."
"You couldn't be any sexier as far as I'm concerned. You know that. So, anything interesting in the paper?"
"Yeah. My high school class is having a five year reunion next month."
"I didn't think they started reunions until ten years. I'm sure my class isn't having one. I would have heard about it at school. Besides, I have no interest in seeing anyone from back then. You aren't thinking about going to yours, are you?"
"I don't know. I really didn't have any good friends back then. The only person from the class I've kept in touch with is Frankie and we see her all the time anyway. I've always thought reunions were as much for showing off as for seeing old friends."
"You're not much of a show-off, Danny."
"Well, I do have the sexiest fiancé in the world. But actually, I was thinking that maybe I'd like to show off my life."
"Why? Those people don't mean anything to you."
"I guess it's just that I was so miserable in high school. I didn't like that I was gay and sure didn't want anyone to find out, but I couldn't fake it and pretend I was straight either. So I was nothing. I tried so hard not to be noticed. I was invisible. I sure wasn't proud of myself back then but I am now. I know what a good person I am and what a great life I have."
"So you want to show off?"
"Oh, I suppose you could call it that. I realize that I did myself a disservice by hiding back then. I just want them to know that I am somebody."
"It really means that much to you?"
"Well, it's more than just about me. These people grew up never even considering there might be someone gay in their world, mostly because we were all hiding. I think it's important that they know there are gay people everywhere."
"Ah, my adorable Danny has been replaced by my activist Danny."
"You know, Billy, sometimes activism isn't about politics and protests. It's just people living their lives, being who they are."
"I guess that makes us both activists, baby. Okay, I'm not really into affairs like this but if you really want to go, we will."
September 1974
Danny
I enjoyed the atmosphere at Morristown High right from the first day. Chatham had been a good school, very affluent, very white, just like what I had grown up with in Livingston, but now that I've been out in the real world a while I realized how sterile it was. The diversity in the student body and faculty at Morristown was so much more real.
On the first day I was confronted with a problem with teaching in our hometown I hadn't anticipated when I walked into my third period class and saw Charles sitting in the second row. After class I pulled him aside and explained that I would have him transferred to another class.
"But why, Danny? I think you'd be a good teacher. You always make history sound interesting when you talk about it at home."
"It's just not a good situation. You'd have an advantage over the other kids because you live with me. Some people would claim favoritism. Another thing, you can't be calling me Danny in school. When we're here, I'm a teacher and you're a student."
"Yessir, Mister Stephens." He snapped to attention and saluted me.
"Enough of the sarcasm, Charles. You know what I'm talking about."
"Yeah, I know, but it's not fair. I want you to be my teacher."
"We'll talk some more at home. Right now we both have to get to class."
That night Billy and I talked to Charles after supper. He understood that we had to separate our home relationship and school relationship though he wasn't happy about it.
"There's something else we haven't really talked about directly. It's the whole gay issue."
"What do you mean, Danny? We talk about gay stuff all the time."
"You know I can't be out at school. Maybe eventually I'll make some friends on the faculty who will know I'm gay, like Billy has, but I can't let it be generally known."
"I know that, Danny. I'm not about to tell anyone."
"I know you won't, but what about your situation? Are you going to come out at school?"
"I haven't even come out as a foster kid yet, so coming out as gay probably won't be happening soon."
"You mean your friends don't know your living situation?"
"It's not like I meant to hold back on them about it, Billy, but I think kids just assume everyone lives like they do. They saw you with me at the pool that day I joined and thought you were my big brother. I just let them think that."
"We want you to be able to bring your friends here but if that happens they're going to know your family situation so maybe you should tell them. They're not going to think less of you for being a foster child. It's not like it's your fault."
"I know that, Danny. I guess I was just waiting for the summer to end to tell them. When the pool was open that's where everyone hung out. Now we'll probably be spending more time at each other's houses."
"Which brings up another point. We have to 'straighten up' the house a little if you're going to bring your friends here. They're going to know who Danny is and we don't want them finding out he's gay."
"This is getting so complicated, guys. Why does everything have to be so hard?"
"It shouldn't be, but it is. Don't worry, we'll manage."
Billy always takes things in stride, one step at a time, assured that everything will work out fine. Me, I worry. But Billy's confidence is somewhat contagious and after all the years of managing to overcome so many obstacles I was starting to have a more positive outlook.
The reunion was at the end of the month; coincidentally on the fifth anniversary of that day Billy first told me that he loved me. I felt bad that we were spending our special day at a big impersonal event of my choosing but Billy assured me that the only thing that mattered to him was being with me. It had been a long time since we'd been out dancing so we spent some time practicing at home. Tyler seemed to enjoy watching his daddies dance in the living room. He'd stand holding onto the side of his playpen and bounce to the beat of the music, trying to mimic our moves, falling on his butt everything ten seconds or so.
I had tried to talk Frankie and Joanne into going with us but once again the closet got in the way. They were both out to their families and friends but the doctor Joanne worked for had his office in Livingston. She was afraid some of their patients might be at the reunion and would freak if they found out the nurse assisting their gynecologist was a lesbian.
So we went alone. I have to admit I was a little apprehensive as I parked the car at the Essex House in West Orange.
"Ready, babe?"
"As ready as I'll ever be, Billy. Time to shock some straight people, I guess."
Actually, I think we puzzled more than shocked people, at least at first. They couldn't quite understand what my relationship with Billy was. There didn't seem to be a good word to use when introducing him. Lover was what we used with other gay people but that can sound sexual and illicit. The terms friend or roommate don't begin to explain it. Boyfriend was too casual, like we were just dating. Spouse or husband were legal terms and not quite appropriate. So I basically just said, "This is Billy Mathews," and left it at that.
It wasn't the lack of proper terminology that stumped me, though. I had come such a long way since high school. I'd almost forgotten what my life was like back then but just seeing all of those faces instantly took me back. Within a few minutes I was wishing we hadn't come. That shy, insecure teenager was back. All of the strength I'd found over the years was gone. I just wanted to disappear, to be invisible like I had been in high school.
I couldn't believe I'd thought I could bring Billy to an event like this and act naturally. The music was awful and I was glad. No way was I up for dancing in front of all of these people. Halfway through the cocktail hour we were talking to a couple of women who had been in my homeroom. I was trying to think up an excuse to quietly slip out and go home early but Billy obviously had other ideas.
"I've got nothing against the Eagles but only white folks would try to dance to their music. Let's see if this DJ has ever heard of Barry White." He turned and walked toward the front of the room.
Up until that point the people we'd been talking to had been polite to Billy, but they seemed to wonder what he was doing there with me. I don't know if they didn't know who Barry White was or if they wondered why we'd want dance music when neither of us had 'dates' but they did look confused. When Billy came back they finally understood.
"Let's dance, white boy."
I was sure I wouldn't be able to move but Billy's eyes locked onto mine and wouldn't let go. We had the dance floor all to ourselves the first number. I think the crowd was finally shocked. I was very self-conscious and was so glad we'd practiced at home. I hadn't planned on putting on a show. A few other couples joined in on the next song and after a bit the dance floor was pretty crowded. By then I was feeling so much better but I was getting tired. I was about to suggest to Billy that we stop for a while when the tempo of the music slowed. Billy pulled me into his arms and I melted against him as Roberta Flack began singing 'First Time Ever I Saw Your Face.' That song always took me back to that first day in the dorm when I looked up from the bed and saw Billy standing in the doorway. Looking back I know I fell in love with him in that instant.
If everyone had been taken aback when we started dancing they were even more stunned by our slow dance, especially when Billy kissed me at the end. The rest of the evening was a little weird but I felt great. A few people were supportive and friendly. Most avoided us. Several were just short of openly hostile. I didn't care. While it usually mattered to me what people thought these people no longer meant anything to me. I concentrated on having fun the rest of the party. If it bothered some people, so what? That was their problem. Billy and I had as much right to be there as any of them.
Billy
I really wasn't looking forward to Danny's reunion but it seemed important to him so it was important to me. I knew that not only would there be no one there that I knew but that it would be a totally white affair. I was determined to try to have fun in spite of that.
Danny started acting a little awkward as soon as we arrived. He seemed to regress into that shy, scared seventeen year old I'd met so long ago. Being around all of those people who had made him feel out-of-place back then must have brought back memories of those bad times. I knew if I could get him dancing he'd change back into my confident grown-up Danny.
It seemed to work. He snapped out of the mood he'd slipped into and enjoyed the rest of the evening. I can't say I enjoyed myself but it wasn't too bad and we did have fun dancing. Danny was quiet on the way home.
"So, are you glad we went?"
"I don't know. I thought I wanted to prove something to them but maybe I really needed to prove something to myself and I almost didn't. I do like who I am but I'm tired of having to prove I'm as good as anybody else. I'm tired of struggling. I just want to live my life."
"Then do it, Danny. I think you realized tonight that people like that don't matter. Forget them and move on."
"I think I have. I just needed to get over that one last bit of my past, to put those old insecurities behind me. Thank you for tonight, Billy."
"Oh, it wasn't so bad once we started dancing."
"Yeah, that part was nice. We've got to get out more."
We were both quiet the rest of the ride home. Lucy and Charles had already gone to bed. I poured us each a brandy while Danny lit a couple of candles in the sunroom. We snuggled on the loveseat and toasted each other.
"Happy anniversary, Danny."
"Happy anniversary, Billy. I love you so much."
It was one of those times when no other words were necessary. We just cuddled for a while, sipping our brandy in the candlelight. Later when we went upstairs, I made slow, tender, passionate love to my Danny. Afterwards he drifted off to sleep in my arms.
I just lay there and watched Danny as he slept. Nights like this reminded me of what a miracle our love is. Sometimes we took it for granted a little bit. We never take each other for granted but sometimes we don't quite appreciate how special our relationship is, the way we fit together, as Charles puts it.
Tonight the people at the reunion saw us and reacted to us first as a gay couple. Most of them had probably never seen two guys together like that before. But they also saw an interracial couple. As shocked as they may have been to see Danny with a guy, they probably would have been just as shocked if he had shown up with a black woman.
After five years together we just don't think of ourselves as anything unusual. We've spent so much time with other gay people that we don't think anything of it. But we also don't really see each other in terms of black and white either. Yes, back when we first met we were both acutely aware of the racial difference. And while we still use the terms white boy and black boy all the time those are and always have been affectionate pet names. Even when we're holding each other and I can see the contrasting colors of our skin so clearly I don't think of us as an interracial couple. We're just us.
When I look at Danny, I don't see a white guy. I see Danny, the most beautiful man I've ever known. He's not classically beautiful. I wouldn't even say he was handsome. He is kind of cute, especially when he smiles. His real beauty is in his soul and in his heart. It has nothing to do with the way he looks; it has everything to do with who he is. I can't explain it. I'm just so glad that he's mine and I am his. Like Charles says, we fit.