This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments, suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty Six. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
Mark
I woke up the morning after Billy and Danny's graduation party with a terrible headache. Pot doesn't give me a hangover and I didn't have very much wine to drink so I couldn't figure out why. Then I remembered how the party had ended, what Peter and I had tried with Danny. Shit! I can't believe I tried to force myself on Danny that way. What was I thinking? This wasn't a hangover; this was a guilt headache. How was I going to face the guys after that horrible stunt?
Peter was still sound asleep and I just lay there staring at the ceiling, hating what I was doing to my life. Nothing seemed right any more. I seemed to be doing what I wanted and everything made sense to me as I went along but when I looked back over the past year it all seemed so wrong. I was lying there berating myself when I heard a sharp rap on the door. Peter just groaned and turned over so I got up and went to the door. Billy was standing at the top of the steps outside. I opened the door and turned to grab something to put on. I just didn't want to face the guys. Peter sat up and rubbed his eyes as I pulled on my briefs.
"Hey, Billy, what's up? Where's Danny?"
"He's next door, Peter. I wanted to talk to you guys alone."
Damn! I hoped Danny wasn't too upset. Billy sure looked like he was. I couldn't bring myself to say anything.
"Why, Billy, you got a problem or something?"
"You have to ask, Peter? Don't you remember what you two tried to do to Danny last night?"
"We were just having fun, Billy. Don't tell me you're still annoyed about that."
"Fun? Molesting one of your best friends is your idea of fun? You know how Danny feels about sex outside our relationship and how sensitive he is. What you did showed a complete lack of respect for him."
"Oh, lighten up, Billy. It's no big deal. We were just trying to show him a good time."
I had been standing there staring at my feet, unable to even face Billy or say anything but that was enough for me to finally find my voice.
"No, Peter, it is a big deal. We were trying to give ourselves a good time and we weren't thinking of Danny. I'm sorry, Billy. We were dead wrong."
"You sure were but it's not me you owe an apology to, Mark."
"I know, Billy, and Danny has every right to be mad at us. Is he feeling okay?"
"He was shocked and hurt last night but he's better this morning. He's not mad at you but I am. I made him stay home because I wanted to make sure you knew how much you fucked up last night. If Danny came along and saw you getting upset about this he's so big-hearted he'd probably apologize to you to make you feel better. You just don't seem to understand what a good friend he is to you, both of you."
God, I thought I felt guilty when I first woke up. Now I just wanted to crawl under a rock.
"I do realize what a good friend he's been, Billy, what a good friend you've been, too. You guys are just about the best thing that ever happened to me and I keep fucking up. Can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course, Mark, but we're worried about you. You've seemed so unstable lately. You've got to settle down, get in control of yourself."
"Mark's just fine, Billy. He hasn't had it easy the past year but he's handling things."
"I'm working on it, Billy. I'm trying to get it together. If you don't mind though maybe I can apologize to Danny next time I see him. I don't think I can face him today."
"Sure, Mark. Please take care of yourself. You too, Peter."
Peter and I got cleaned up, packed and left as soon as we could. I felt so ashamed I just wanted to get out of there without seeing anyone else. Peter tried to calm me down.
"I'll admit we pushed things a little too far last night, Mark, but those guys should stop taking everything so seriously."
"They have a right to live the way they want, Peter."
"Yeah, but do they have to be so sanctimonious about it? They act like their way is the only way."
"Well, it is, for them. And you act like that too, you know. You think everyone should live your way."
"But my way is a whole lot more fun. You seem to agree, anyhow."
"Yeah, sometimes it is fun."
For the next few weeks I saw as little as possible of Billy and Danny. I couldn't avoid them at The Restaurant but at least we were busy working and didn't have to talk much. I did offer a brief apology to Danny the first time I saw him and we left it at that. We had all been going out Fridays after work most weeks but I started making excuses. I was just too embarrassed to talk to them. I also started making excuses to Peter to avoid seeing Terry or going to the baths. For a while it was just Peter and me and that was all I could handle. I made up my mind it was time to get my life in order.
I decided that the first thing I had to do was have the talk with my parents. It was long overdue. The wall of silence I had built around the issue was completely shutting out any kind of relationship with my family. I never went home and almost never called. It was silly, considering they already knew. So on my day off I took the train out to Morristown and was at the house waiting when Mom and Dad got home from work. I fixed drinks for all three of us while they changed into more comfortable clothes. I wanted all of us to have a bit to drink before bringing up the subject but Dad brought us right to the point.
"So to what do we owe the honor of this visit, Mark? It's been a while."
"There's something we've been avoiding talking about for a couple of years and I think it's time we got it out into the open."
"We don't have to talk about everything, you know, Mark. Some things are better left unsaid."
"I don't agree, Mom. It's time I told you that I'm gay. You've known it for a long time but I don't want to keep it quiet any more. I love Peter and he loves me and I want to be able to share that with you."
Dad gulped down the rest of his drink and refilled his glass and Mom's.
"Well, maybe we don't want you to share that, Mark. Yes, we've known about you since that night we went to The Restaurant with Uncle Bill and Aunt Marcie. But did you ever wonder why we didn't say anything? Because we don't want to think about it. We don't want to think of you that way."
"But why not? So I'm gay. That doesn't change anything else about me."
"We thought that maybe you were just confused and that you'd come to your senses after a while and then we could all just forget about it and pretend this phase never happened. You only think you're gay because Peter is nice and affectionate toward you. You're just good friends and you're misinterpreting your feelings and his."
"I'm not confused, Mom. I know what I am. I've always known it. And Peter is more than affectionate. We're not just friends, we're lovers. We have sex, Mom. A lot. We fuck."
I was getting exasperated and losing my cool. How could they be so delusional after all this time?
"That's disgusting, Mark. Your mother and I don't want to hear about you doing sick, perverted things with Peter or any man. I think this conversation has gone far enough."
"What do you mean, far enough? How can we just stop talking at this point?"
"By just doing it. I don't want to hear any more about this. If you persist in this sick lifestyle then you'll have to do it on your own."
"What do you mean by that, Dad?"
"I mean that it's time you moved back home. You can commute to NYU from here. If you want to see a therapist we will pay for a good one for you."
"I'm not sick, Dad! I'll admit that maybe I could use a therapist to work on some problems I've got but so could you."
"Don't you dare talk to me like that, son. You have a choice to make. You can take me up on my offer, or it's over."
"What's over?"
"If you insist on living this lifestyle with Peter in New York, we don't want to hear about it and we are certainly not going to subsidize it. So if you don't move back here, you're on your own. We will have nothing to do with you until you come to your senses."
"If that's the way you want it, fine! You can both go to hell!"
I got up and stormed out of the house. I immediately headed toward Billy and Danny's. I was so mad I was shaking and I needed to calm down. The guys would know what I was going through. They could help me. I was halfway there when I stopped.
Shit! How could I crawl to them for help after the way I'd treated them? I hadn't even been able to look Danny in the eye since his party. Some friend I am. What nerve to ask them to help me. It would serve me right if they slammed the door in my face. They wouldn't of course, but I don't deserve friends like them.
I turned at the next corner and headed toward the train station. All the way to Hoboken on the train I thought about what a mess I'd made of my life. Here I thought I was going to straighten it out and things were more fucked up than ever. What's the point?
I opened the door to the apartment and saw Peter lying on the couch.
"Have we got any grass, Peter? I need to get high."
"We're all out, babe, but I just left Terry in the bar half an hour ago. I'm sure he's still there and we can get some."
"I don't feel like going out again, Peter. Can you go down? Maybe Terry will want to come over and smoke with us."
"I'll see, Mark, but he was with a couple of friends."
"What the hell, invite them all. We'll have a party. The more the merrier."
July 1973
Danny
I was so looking forward to this summer but it was turning out to be a drag. We graduated and so this was going to be our last summer working at The Restaurant. Two big changes. We were working five days a week to make as much money as possible before the baby came which meant we didn't have as much time off as we were used to but that was okay. It also meant we got to see a lot more of Mark at work but he was totally avoiding us. At first I was a little annoyed with Billy. I thought that maybe he had been a little too tough on Mark and Peter the day after the party. That was silly because I know Billy is good at handling problems like that but he's also very protective of me. I figured it would just be a matter of time and Mark would get over this.
After a few weeks he got a lot worse though. He was moody and out of it a lot. A couple of nights he even seemed stoned at work. I tried to talk to him about it but he just brushed me off, told me to mind my own business. Obviously something was wrong and he was hurting but he just wouldn't let me in.
I was feeling kind of lost myself. We were getting closer to the baby's arrival and maybe that was freaking me out a little, but I think what shook me up the most was leaving Rutgers. College had been a kind of security for Billy and me. No matter what else was going on in our lives there was always the routine of school. It was comforting. I knew that once we started teaching our new jobs would be something like that again but at first it would all be so strange.
There was something else about leaving Rutgers that was on my mind a lot, too. One night Billy and I were in bed talking and I brought it up.
"You know, Billy, now that we've graduated we don't have our post office boxes on campus anymore."
"Obviously, Danny, we're not students there anymore, but it's no big deal. We never used them for anything much anyway once we moved to Morristown."
"Yeah, but they were the only addresses our parents had for us, the only way they could get in touch. Now that we've graduated, we're really cut off from them. They couldn't get in touch with us if they wanted to."
Billy was quiet for a minute and when he spoke it was very softly.
"Danny, they had over three years to get in touch if they wanted to. I know how much you miss them, and it breaks my heart sometimes, but I don't think our leaving school is going to make a difference. I don't know what's in their heads and I can't imagine why they would give up on you but I think you have to face reality."
"I know, Billy. I guess I've always been afraid they weren't going to come around but as long as there was a chance I held out hope. I'm so proud of how we've put our lives together, I guess I was hoping I'd have a chance to make them proud of me too."
"They should be proud of you. They're the ones with the problem, not you."
"They'd probably freak out over the baby but even thinking about that makes me sad that they won't be a part of our child's life. I just wish they knew about my life, about our life. Maybe they'd come around if they saw what we've accomplished, what a good life we have."
"You could go to them, you know. I don't know what kind of reception you'd get and you'd have to be prepared for the worst, but at least that way you'd know for sure."
"Yeah, Billy, I could. I've been thinking about that all summer. That night they found out about us keeps running through my head. I was so unprepared then but I think maybe I could deal with them now."
"You know they might not want to see you."
"Yeah, they might not, but maybe I could convince them, win them over. Maybe not, but I've got to know what they're thinking. I've got to know one way or the other, once and for all."
"Do you want me to go with you? I know they never liked me and I'd probably make things worse but I hate the idea of you facing them alone, especially if it doesn't go well."
"I think it would be best if I went alone, Billy, but we'll figure something out."
The next week Billy, Lucy and I drove to Livingston and stopped at the diner on Mt. Pleasant Ave. They were going to have something to eat and wait for me. It was only a short walk to the house from there. I was nervous the whole way. It felt so weird walking the streets that I'd grown up on. That all seemed a hundred years ago.
I got to the house and just stood in the road staring at it a few minutes. There was a new car in the driveway. Finally, I took a deep breath, walked up the sidewalk to the front door and pushed the button for the doorbell. It occurred to me that in eighteen years of living there I don't think I had ever rung that doorbell.
I was just about to ring it again when the door opened and I was faced with a woman I'd never seen before.
"May I help you?"
"Um, I was looking for Mr. or Mrs. Stephens. Who are you?"
"I'm Mrs. Moore. My husband and I bought this house from the Stephens family over a year ago."
It took me a second to realize what she had said. They were gone!
"Do you know where they moved to? Maybe you know some way to get in touch with them?"
"I'm sorry. I think they were staying in the area but I have no idea where they went."
"Well, thanks anyway. Sorry to have bothered you."
I turned and walked back to the road, wondering what to do. I looked across the street and saw Mr. Vernon standing on his front steps, smoking a cigarette. His wife never did let him smoke in the house. He might know where my parents were. He and Dad were pretty good friends. I started across the street toward him. He just stared hard at me, dropped his cigarette, ground it out, turned and went into the house, practically slamming the door behind him. I wondered what Dad had told him about me.
I decided to go back to the diner and talk it over with Billy and Lucy. It shouldn't be too hard to track down my parents. They'd always had an unlisted phone number but maybe the post office had a new address for them. Just before I got to the diner a thought hit me and I got depressed. It must have shown on my face when I walked in.
"Damn, that was quick, Dan. And from the look on your face it didn't go well. Are you okay?"
"I don't know, Billy, they weren't there. They moved."
"I'm sorry, Danny. What are you going to do?"
"I'm not sure, Lucy. My first thought was it wouldn't be too hard to track them down. I've got other relatives all over North Jersey who could tell me where they are. But then I realized they moved when they had my address at school. Even if they weren't ready to accept me they could have sent me their new address, just to keep the door open, but they didn't. It's like they slammed the door and locked it. I guess it's really over now for good."
"Are you all right, baby?"
"No, Billy, but I don't want to cry in public. Can we get out of here before I fall apart?"
"Sure, Dan. I'll drive, you try to relax."
"Easier said than done, Billy."
August 1973
Billy
Danny was so down when we left the diner that day he tried to see his parents but I was surprised at how quickly he bounced back. He has been hurting so bad for the last three and a half years but although he brooded for a day or two he was back to his old self in no time. That was a good thing because we both had job interviews lined up.
I had applied to all of the high schools in Newark plus the surrounding smaller cities. Danny decided to stay closer to home since we decided that one of us should be nearby to help Lucy with the baby. He applied to all of the suburban districts around Morristown. He would like to have taught at Morristown High. Not only was it so convenient but also Aunt Connie taught there. Unfortunately, he and I felt we were a little too well known around town so we decided it was best to put a little distance between home and work.
By the first week of August we each had a few job offers. I was thrilled to accept a job at Central High. Mrs. Watson probably had a lot to do with that. I went to see her before my interview and she was so happy to see me and thought my teaching there was a great idea. Danny accepted a position at Chatham High School in a very white, suburban upper middle class community ten miles east of Morristown. Both positions paid about the same and we were disappointed to see that we would be making just slightly less teaching full time than we were waiting tables part time. But at least it was a start.
Aunt Connie had us over for dinner to celebrate the beginning of our new careers. She had been our advisor all through the job search and made sure we looked at all the right things and asked the right questions. Of course, I had known all along where I wanted to teach but Aunt Connie made sure it was an intelligent move, not just an emotional one.
"Only a few more weeks and we'll really be grown up. No more school, no more waiting tables. And we'll have a baby."
"Yes, Danny, that's a lot of changes. How are you two coping with it all?"
"We're doing good, Aunt Connie. It was sad leaving Rutgers but we have so much to look forward to. The same with The Restaurant. After Labor Day we'll only go back there as customers. It is all a little scary, though."
"I keep telling Danny to think of it as an adventure. Yeah, a lot is changing, but we do have some stability in our lives-our house, you two, each other. The basics don't change. The rest we can handle."
"Well, I'm very proud of you boys, or should I say, men. You were boys when Lucy first brought you here but you have certainly grown up."
"Thanks, Aunt Connie. Your praise means a lot to us. You're the only parent Danny and I have."
"Speaking of parents, Danny, are you sure you're okay with what happened last month? You aren't just trying to be brave, are you?"
"No, I'm fine, Lucy. I kind of surprised myself. I've been hurting so long about them but I think I've reached the point where I just don't have any hurt left. Though I wish it had turned out differently, it is still a relief in a way. It's finally over. No more wondering and waiting. It's sad, but at least now I can put all that behind me and look to the future."
"What about you, Billy? Any thought of trying to contact your parents?"
"I don't think so, Lucy. Gram and I don't talk much about them in our letters. They know that she's in touch with me, yet they never ask her about me. And I don't ask about them either. It's like we're each only a part of each other's past. I can't imagine them accepting me or me accepting them at this point."
"Like Danny said, it's sad, but it looks like you too are dealing with it. At least you're not hurting any more. I think the way my parents rejected me was probably the best. I was just a baby, too young to even know."
"Your parents didn't reject you, Lucy. They were just too young and immature to be parents."
"I know, Aunt Connie. I was just using the word loosely. I think of what they did as more like putting me up for adoption because they weren't ready for the responsibility. They actually did me a favor because they gave me to you, the best mother in the world."
"I'll second that, Lucy."
"So will I, Danny."
September 1973
Lucy
We didn't exactly time this pregnancy very well with me being due two weeks after the boys were to start teaching but it seemed to work out all right. Actually, I kept them so busy with last minute preparations for the baby that they didn't have time to worry about their new jobs. In early August they helped me move into their guest room. We hadn't worked out all the details but it seemed that for a while anyway it would work out better if I lived with them. Once the baby arrived there would be three parents in the house and Aunt Connie next door. The boys carried all of my things from one house to the other and helped me unpack.
"I've signed us up for Lamaze classes starting next week, Danny."
"Lamaze? What's that?"
"It's a technique to make natural childbirth easier. Lots of breathing exercises and mind over matter kind of stuff. You know I said I want to do this all natural, no drugs or anything."
"I know, but are you sure, Lucy. I've heard childbirth can be awfully painful."
"It's not so bad if you know what you're doing. That's what they tell me anyhow."
"But why does Danny have to go to the classes, Lucy? You're the one having the baby."
"Danny's going to be my coach. Even in the best of circumstances I think I'll be a little distracted so it's up to the coach to keep me focused."
"Isn't it the doctor's job to tell you what to do?"
"The doctor is going be pretty busy delivering the baby, Danny. That's why they allow a coach in the delivery room if you've completed the course."
"You mean I've gotta be in there when it's happening? I thought I was gonna be in the waiting room with Billy and Aunt Connie."
"Relax, Danny, you'll do just fine."
"I don't know about this, Lucy."
"Just go to the classes with me. You'll get used to the idea and be looking forward to it in no time. I'm sure."
Once I explained to Danny that if I had to give birth to this watermelon the least he could do was provide me with moral support he threw himself into the classes with more enthusiasm. He and I attracted quite a bit of attention at the classes. We were the only unmarried couple and the only interracial couple. And they didn't know that we weren't actually a couple.
We had the nursery fully furnished by Labor Day. Dr. Post felt that once I was within two weeks of the due date it could happen at any time so we wanted to be ready. The day after the holiday Billy, Danny and Aunt Connie all went off to work at their respective schools, leaving me on the couch in the living room watching soap operas on TV. I looked as big as a house and felt so uncomfortable that I couldn't wait to deliver. I was a little bit nervous thinking about going into labor alone at the house, though. I had the phone number of Morristown High and Chatham High next to the telephone in the kitchen. I felt bad that Danny was going to have to make special arrangements in case he was called out of class in his first month at the school but there was nothing we could do.
His first day of work he came home looking a little bit disturbed.
"Oh c'mon, Danny, it can't be that bad. The students don't even start for a couple more days."
"It isn't the students, it's the administration. I told my department head about the baby this morning. She started to get excited but then she remembered that I wasn't married. She definitely did not approve. Right after lunch I was asked to go to see the principal. In all my years as a student I was never sent to the principal's office and there I was on my first day as a teacher."
"What did he say? You aren't in any kind of trouble are you?"
"Dr. Swanson was pretty intimidating. He's middle-aged and very conservative looking. He took the whole thing very seriously, too seriously I thought. He practically ordered me not to say anything about the baby to anyone at the school, especially not to any students. He said I'm supposed to be a role model for the students and having a baby out of wedlock was something I had to keep quiet about. If you go into labor and have to call me you are only to say it's a 'family emergency.'"
"He sounds like a real prude, Danny."
"He is, and a male chauvinist, too. He told me that if I were an unmarried female teacher who was pregnant that I'd be fired. I was going to tell him that's discrimination except that he might have fired me to prove it wasn't. As it is he told me that I should seriously consider marrying my 'girl friend' if I had any hope of getting tenure there."
"That sucks, but don't worry too much about it. You're not up for tenure for three years and by then they'll all know what a great person and teacher you are."
"I hope so, but this sure isn't the way I wanted to start my new career."
Both Danny and Billy settled into their new positions over the next two weeks and I just continued getting bigger. One Friday I was having indigestion after lunch and was blaming the baby for kicking my stomach when I had my first sharp pain. That was no kick and no indigestion, I knew immediately it was labor. Dr. Post had reassured me that there was no rush so I didn't panic. I went to the kitchen and called her office. They were closed for lunch so I left a message with the service and waited. They had just called me back when I had another one. Dr. Post said to get over to the hospital and she'd meet me there. I called for a cab and then called and left messages for both Aunt Connie and Danny. I left a note on the kitchen table for Billy and had just brought my suitcase down when the taxi arrived. While getting into the car I had another pain, which resulted in the cab driver getting me to Morristown Memorial in record time.
Aunt Connie arrived while I was still being admitted and Danny followed a few minutes later. It was a little after three when we left Aunt Connie in the waiting room and they wheeled me into the delivery room. By then the pains were coming much closer together. Danny was much better than either of us thought he'd be. I think he was so scared that he poured every ounce of concentration he had into directing me through the breathing exercises. He was so intense that he actually took my mind a bit off what was happening. I won't say I didn't feel any pain, God knows I did. But I was lucky and it didn't go on too long. I kept squeezing Danny's hand so hard it's a miracle I didn't break it but he never even paused through all of his coaching. Just when I thought I couldn't take any more it was suddenly all over. Danny and I were both out of breath though I think I might have been a little more tired than he was. He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. We heard the baby cry and both looked down toward the doctor. She smiled up at us.
"You appear to have a beautiful healthy son."
We both got to hold him for a minute before they took him off to clean him up. They had to clean me up too so Danny went out to the waiting room to tell Aunt Connie. A half hour later I was clean but exhausted and settled into bed in my room. Danny, Billy and Aunt Connie filed into the room, followed by a nurse with the baby. She put him in my arms. Everyone crowded around to get a good look.
"He's beautiful, Lucy. I think he looks like you."
"Well, he does seem to have my coloring, Aunt Connie, his skin and hair, anyway. But his eyes are light."
"Maybe they'll be green like Danny's."
"I hope so, Billy. That would be a great look. He's so tiny. He sure felt a lot bigger coming out."
"The nurse said he was six pounds even. That's pretty small."
"My mother said I was small when I was born, too, Aunt Connie. I guess he's taking after his old man already."
"Lucy was pretty small when she was born, too, but then again she was a few weeks early."
"So what are you gonna call him, Luce? Did you bring the list of names with you?"
The three of us had spent half the summer going over dozens of names. We had finally narrowed it down to five boy's and five girl's names but we decided we'd have to wait to see the baby to make a final decision.
"I don't need the list, Billy, I know it by heart."
"I was thinking, Lucy. I know we didn't discuss it before, but what about naming him after Brad?"
I looked down at the baby and thought for a minute.
"That's a sweet idea, Danny, but I don't think so. Whenever I hear Brad's name I think of what a wonderful person he was and I have so many wonderful memories, but I also feel sad, and I only want to be happy when I think of our son. Brad would be honored that you thought of him, though."
"So what name on the list do you think suits him, Luce?"
"I know it's not on the list, Billy, but I heard a name the other day that I really like and I think it goes with him. How about Tyler?"
"Hmm, Tyler. I like it. What do you think, little guy? You want to be Tyler?"
The baby opened his eyes, looked at Danny for a second and then went back to sleep.
"He doesn't seem to have a problem with it, Danny, so I guess that's settled. How about a middle name?"
"That's easy, Lucy. William. I want him to have Billy's name."
"That's it then, Danny. Tyler William Stephens."