This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading tales of male sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments are appreciated at NJRiimzu@aol.com.
Sept. 19
Lucy
I'm not sure if today qualifies me as a total pervert or just a lewd voyeur. And I hope it doesn't have any lasting impact on my friendship with Billy and Danny. It's just that they are both so cute and sexy. Ever since Billy told us about his modeling job it was all I could think of.
I asked my art professor about sitting in on a class at Rutgers. I explained that I had heard there was a black model that I really wanted to try to draw. All of the models at Douglass were white and female. She told me she would look into it. She called Professor Adams and made arrangements for me to attend one of his classes. So today was the big day.
I got to class early, introduced myself to the professor, set myself up at a good seat, then left for the restroom, not wanting to run into Billy. I got back into class just before show time. There were a couple of other girls in the class so I didn't feel too out of place. Billy came out in a short robe, paying more attention to Professor Adams than the class. The professor explained what position he wanted and Billy took off the robe and posed, staring off into space. He hadn't seen me off to the side. For a minute, I couldn't move. I was so stunned by the beauty of his form. I mean, his face was handsome, even with that smile that was almost a sneer. And I'd seen him in T-shirts and shorts, so I knew his arms and legs were muscular. But the rest of him was incredible. Rich dark brown skin, many shades darker than mine. I remember him having said something about his gym teacher letting him work out at school over the summer and his muscle definition is great. He's slim, but all muscle. Great biceps and chest, flat stomach with every muscle outlined. Tiny waist and slim hips. And strong legs. And then there was that muscle between his legs. Even soft, it looked massive. Not that I'd seen very many of them, hard or soft, but his was bigger than anything I'd seen. And almost no body hair at all. In his pose, I could see that even under his arms, he had very little hair. Just a bit above his pinga. The rest of him was smooth as a baby.
I suddenly realized that the rest of the class was drawing feverishly while I was just staring. I picked up a pencil and began to draw, trying to get in every detail. I'd barely begun when the professor announced a new pose. Billy changed position and for a second his eyes locked with mine. I smiled, he sneered, and then he went into the pose, completely ignoring me. It may have been just my imagination, but it seemed his penis was a bit larger for the rest of the class.
He paid no attention to me after that. He held three or four more poses and I did my best to get them all, remembering to start with the basic form and fill in what details there was time for. Not that I was being graded on this, but I would have to show my professor that I had made an honest effort, that she hadn't pulled a few strings for me for nothing. Near the end of the class, Billy put on the robe and went in the back to get dressed. While the class put the finishing touches on their sketches, he walked through the room, passed me without a word and went out the door.
When I left the studio, he was waiting outside.
"What the fuck were you doing in there, girl?" He sounded really pissed.
I tried to be as innocent and charming as possible. "You know I'm an art major. Even though I'm mostly into photography, I take all kinds of art courses. And all of our models at Douglass are white and female, so after you told us about your job, I asked if I could sit in on a class to try drawing something different."
"If you wanted to see me naked, you only had to ask. I'm not much on modesty. I'd have stripped for you, maybe with a little music thrown in, maybe with a bit of a hardon."
"Billy, you've got it wrong. That wasn't what I was doing there." My denial aside, he had hit the nail on the head and the idea of him stripping to music turned me on big-time.
"Hey, Lucy, what are you doing over here?"
We both looked up and saw Danny approaching.
"Don't tell him", I whispered.
"Like hell." He really was steaming. "Seems we've got a Peeping Tom here, Danny boy. Or maybe I should say, a Peeping Lucy."
Danny looked confused. Billy went on to explain how I had sat in on the class, giving his interpretation of my motives, in which he was right. A whole range of emotions crossed Danny's face. He seemed angry, embarrassed and very uncomfortable.
"C'mon, Danny. He's making it out to be more than it is. I'm an artist. I've never had a chance to draw a subject like Billy before."
"She just wanted to see my dick, that's all. She probably wants to see yours, too. Tell you what, Lucy, baby. Let's go up to the dorm and have Danny strip for you. Maybe we could both jerk off for you. Would that satisfy your artistic curiosity?"
Danny was turning bright red, obviously embarrassed but there was something else there too.
"Billy, calm down. You know Lucy. We're friends. Maybe she did want to see you naked. Maybe it was just the artist in her, maybe not. But if you're going to go around parading your stuff in public, why should you care who looks?"
"It's not that, white boy. I'd walk down College Avenue naked and not give a shit, you know that. I just don't like being ambushed by a friend."
"Lucy, maybe you owe Billy an apology."
'He's right', I thought. 'Hell, they both are. It was a stupid thing to do, to sneak into the class like that. Stupid, but human...' I took a deep breath and looked squarely into Billy eyes.
"I do. Billy, I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about it. Actually, now that I think about it, I could have just asked you to model for me and you probably would have done it without a second thought. I'm sorry I snuck around behind your back. Forgive me? Still friends?"
Billy took a few deep breaths and relaxed. "Yeah, girl, still friends. But maybe we're gonna have to talk white boy here into modeling for you to make us even."
"Me? Model naked? Are you crazy? You know how hung up I am on stuff like that."
"I'd love to have you pose for me, Danny. I know you're a lot more modest than Mr. Showoff here, but maybe you'd consider it. No pressure. Just think about it."
"I'll think about it, but don't count on it."
Sept. 24
Danny
I couldn't understand Billy's reaction to Lucy going to his class. There was more than what he was saying, but he hasn't mentioned it since. I know my reaction-I was mad at her, jealous in a way. I mean, I get to see him all the time, but I would love to be able to spend an hour just staring at him. Though not in class with all those other kids around. But she gave herself away. It's obvious she's into him and now it's only a matter of time before she tries to get him to take her out. Just what I've been dreading. But Billy's reaction has me a bit confused.
And he's been acting strangely all week, ever since the Princeton game. We'd been looking forward to it for days. Everyone was. It was the one hundredth anniversary of college football and the whole weekend was filled with parades and parties. And the game was going to be on national TV even though Rutgers and Princeton were hardly big time teams. And since it was a home game, Billy and I got to usher and be part of it.
I was assigned a section in the end zone and Billy's was near the ten-yard line so we weren't very far apart. Both our sections were down in front so we were down on the track at the entrance to our sections checking tickets and directing people to their seats. It was early, and people were just starting to trickle in. I noticed a large group of black kids heading toward the end zone, seeming to be all together, maybe 50 or 60 of them. They stopped at my section. I asked to see their tickets.
The guy in the lead just ignored me and turned to the others. "This looks like a good place."
They just pushed past me and all went up into the section, practically filling it. I ran up after them, asking to see their tickets. They all ignored me. Some white people were starting to gather at the entrance to the section. I went down to them and they showed me tickets indicating they were supposed to be in my section and insisted I seat them.
"I'm sorry, folks. These kids just kind of took over. I can't get them to move. Try to find seats nearby and I'll try to get some help to get them to move."
With lots of grumbling, they squeezed into adjoining sections. The stadium was beginning to fill up. I desperately looked around for one of the supervisors we reported to but couldn't see any of them. More and more people showed up with tickets for my section and I tried to find them other seats. They were pretty unhappy and they took it out on me. All of a sudden, Billy was standing next to me.
"What's going on?"
"I don't know. They just took over, wouldn't show me their tickets. But they obviously aren't supposed to be sitting here because other people have tickets for their seats."
"Which one seems to be in charge?"
I pointed to the guy who had led them into the section.
"Hey nigga, get your fat black ass down here!" Billy shouted. They all stopped talking and turned toward Billy. Billy pointed at the leader and yelled, "Yeah, you!"
The guy came down looking really pissed off.
"So what's this all about?"
"We're protesting racist policies at the University. You should join us."
"What specific policies?"
"Just in general. There's racism all through this place."
"I don't doubt it and if you could give me a specific example and I weren't working, I'd probably join you. But other people have tickets for these seats. You've got to move to your own seats."
"We'll move when we're ready. You should be standing with your brothers instead of siding with Whitey and The Man here", he said, pointing to me.
"I've never met you. You're not my brother. 'Whitey', here, I know and respect. And he's not 'The Man". He's more my brother than you." With that, he put his arm around my shoulder.
At that moment, the national anthem began playing. Everyone in the stadium stood. The blacks in my section remained seated. As soon as it ended, they rose as one and walked in silence in single file out of the stadium, one fist raised in the air. White folks in adjoining sections immediately raced to fill the seats they vacated. Billy gave my shoulder a little squeeze and went back to his section.
He hasn't been the same since that incident. We talked about it later, but I think it's still bothering him. He absolutely hated whites when he met me a few weeks ago and his friendship with me has only moderated his opinions a bit. It must have really been tough on him emotionally to side with me over his 'brothers'. Maybe he's questioning his friendship with me.
Billy
I started worrying as soon as I saw the group of black kids stop at Danny's section. I'd heard rumors of some kind of demonstration at the game because of the national TV coverage. And they picked just the right section. Shy and insecure, Danny was no match for them. But he shocked me by going up into the stands after them. Then the white folks who were supposed to sit there started on his case. Even from 50 feet away, I could see the fear and uncertainty in his eyes. But he stood his ground and kept doing his job the best he could.
Watching him then, it hit me like a fist in the gut. I'd fallen in love with that beautiful white boy. In love. I'd been physically attracted to him since the second I saw him, something that had surprised the hell out of me. But then everything about him attracted me. His sweet, gentle disposition, his complete honesty and tolerance. His dry sense of humor, his openness to new ideas, his way of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt, looking for good in everyone. No doubt about it, I was in love. And with a white boy.
And he was in trouble. I called to the usher in the next section to cover for me and ran over to 'save' the boy I loved.
That night there was a big party in the dorm to celebrate Rutgers' victory over Princeton. Lots of beer, though Danny wasn't drinking much since his last frat party. Lucy was going to come over to join us and party.
"I know I've been thanking you all afternoon, but you really did save me. I don't think I could have held together much longer. I was scared, not of anyone in particular, but of being responsible in a situation I had no control over. You took over just as I was about to fall apart."
"You surprised me the way you held together, white boy. I didn't think you had it in you. You're stronger than either of us realizes, I think."
"Yeah, right. You're definitely the strong one in this relationship."
I started at his use of the word relationship, though I knew he didn't mean it that way.
"Didn't it bother you to be defending the Establishment against your own people? I know the way you still feel about most whites and I've heard you complain plenty about being treated differently than other students."
"Yeah, it was weird. But it was the right thing to do. That may sound strange from a guy who was throwing rocks through windows on Springfield Ave. a couple of summers ago, but maybe you're right about the gray areas, about everything not being purely black and white."
"Oh my God, was that you two at the stadium this afternoon?"
Neither one of us had seen Lucy come in.
"Yeah, white boy had a little trouble handling his job, so it took a real man to step in and handle it."
"Hey, black boy, watch it. If they hadn't walked out on their own when they did, I don't think you'd have had much more success dislodging them."
"I didn't realize it was you guys. I was watching from the other end of the stadium and couldn't quite make out what was going on."
"A pretty vague ineffectual demonstration that nearly had me peeing in my pants."
"Thought you were past that stage of life, white boy. I haven't noticed any wet sheets on your bed. Well, maybe a wet spot or two." I said that to tease him (he embarrasses so easily) but actually got incredibly turned on the second the words left my mouth, thinking of him making those imaginary wet spots.
Fortunately, Danny was Danny and was so shocked at my comment that he spit a mouthful of beer halfway across the room. So no one noticed my having to make a slight adjustment in my crotch. Somehow I got through the rest of the evening without drinking too much or giving away my startling self-revelation at the game.
In the days since then, I've been in constant emotional turmoil. Of course, I had been prior to that also, but had attributed that to being in a new environment, meeting new people and having to re-evaluate some long held beliefs. And Danny, of course. I knew I had strong feelings toward him, that somehow he was more important to me than anyone had ever been. But the realization of the depth of my feelings toward him blew me away. And changed everything.
How long can I live with him, spend all my free time with him, be his friend, and not give myself away? Now that I realize I'm in love with him, every minute with him is wonderful torture. But how long can I go through this?
I can't tell him. I've never even told anyone I was gay. He'd probably be okay with my being a fag. He's just so accepting. Maybe he'd shy away from changing or showering in front of me, but I get the feeling he'd deal with that as well as he's dealt with my being black. But to know that I loved him, craved him, lusted after him; that would absolutely make him so uncomfortable that he couldn't stay around. And knowing him, he'd be the one to feel guilty about it. Guilty that he was teasing me just by being there; guilty that he couldn't return my feelings. He's so insecure in many ways, needs approval and wants to belong. He'd feel bad that he couldn't be what I want him to be, and maybe that right there is why I love him so.
Maybe I can go half way-tell him I'm gay, but not admit my feelings for him. Maybe that would work. But I would be living in hell, in love with my best friend, trying to ignore it.
"Earth to black boy."
I suddenly realized that Lucy and Danny had been talking for God knows how long and I'd been totally spaced out, lost in my own emotional crisis.
"Where have you been, Billy boy? Danny's been going on and on about the pre-game trauma and the game itself and you haven't said a word. Kind of lost in space."
"Sorry, that's just what happened. I did get lost in space. What did I miss?"
"Not much, Danny's been bending my ear on politics and sociology. Seems he's waking up to all of the social issues going on around us, both here on campus and in society.
"Hey, you make me out to be some weekend liberal, someone who only occasionally has a conscience."
"Baby, I know you're not like that. But Billy's black and spent his life in the ghetto, and I'm half and half and Hispanic from a slightly integrated, but mostly white Anglo community my whole life, so you have a lot to learn about growing up different."
"Why can't we all learn together? Why should it be so hard? Why should it matter in the first place?"
"Ever study history, white boy? Because it does, that's all, because it always has and it still does matter to most people."
We left the party fairly early, agreeing to meet Lucy for pizza Wednesday night. The next few days went by and I felt myself pulling away from Danny, not sure what to do, not sure how to handle my feelings.
Lucy
Our Wednesday night pizza fest at Patty's Restaurant was not what I expected. Billy and Danny were so preoccupied. None of their usual teasing banter. Occasional talk about classes. Both seemed so wrapped up in their own heads. But something was definitely wrong here. These two great guys, either one of which I could easily fall in love with, two best friends, were hardly speaking. They were each off in their own little world, disconnected from each other and the rest of the universe. What the hell is going on here? There are no negative vibes I'm getting from either, just distance, preoccupation, even confusion. Next time we get together, I'm going to force a confrontation. These two are such good friends nothing should come between them. Unfortunately, I promised Aunt Connie I'd go home this weekend. Even though Uncle Evan had passed away almost three years ago, she hates spending their anniversary alone. But when I get back next week, I'm getting to the bottom of this.
As we got back to their dorm, I came up with an idea.
"You know, guys, sometime we should all go into the city and party. I know some great places." Anything to get a rise out of them.
"I'm not sure. We're still both underage. Also, we both got fired from our usher jobs so we don't exactly have any extra money for something like that."
"You mean they fired you for what happened Saturday?"
"We both got letters in campus mail. Our 'services are no longer required.' I don't blame them for firing me for losing control of my section. But Billy did what the others should have done. He came to help out. I think they fired him because he's black and they thought he was involved somehow. No one even talked to us and asked what happened. I feel like going over to the stadium and explaining that Billy was helping control the situation, not make it worse."
"You've been sticking up for me all week and I'm sick of it, white boy. You don't even know me. If you really knew who I was, you might not like me so much."
Wow! I didn't see that coming. Billy had been acting a bit distracted, but I was surprised to see him snap at Danny that way. Danny seemed a bit shocked, but tried to keep cool.
"I think I know you pretty well. We've all got our secrets and skeletons, and as long as yours don't include a murdered roommate or two in your past, I don't think anything will change the way I feel about you."
"You're just too good to be true, white boy! You don't know shit! Wake up and get real! Not everyone is perfect like you!"
With that, Billy stormed out of the room. Danny just sat there with his mouth open. Tears started streaming down his cheeks. I rushed to his side and put my arms around him and held him until he got himself under control.
"What's going on with you two? Saturday night you were a bit strange, but I attributed that to your both being in a bit of shock over the incident at the game. But you've both been out of it all evening. And I've never heard him explode at you like that. Have you two been fighting about something?"
"I just don't know. I think it has something to do with his not being able to handle having to side with me against the other black kids. You know how he feels about most whites. And if it weren't for me, he probably would have been leading that group. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose his friendship. I think he thinks he's got to chose between his people and me, and if that's the case, then I don't stand a chance."
"Don't be so sure. He really likes and respects you, I've seen that since the day we all met."
"I just don't think I could handle losing him. Before coming to school, I was sick at the idea of living with a stranger and yet in less than a month he's become the best friend I've ever had, the most important person in my life. I need him to be in my life. I don't know what I'd do without him."
"I know he feels the same way about you. He's got to. As much as he hated whites, for him to be your best friend has to say something about the strength of his feelings toward you."
"I'm just so afraid and confused."
My weekend home couldn't be happening at a worse time. These two boys I've become so fond of are in trouble. And neither understands why. And I certainly don't. But maybe if I were here I could help. Maybe they can hold together until I get back Sunday night but it doesn't look good.