This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story began in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe.
I would like to thank all of those who have written to me with comments, suggestions and encouragement, especially my fellow writers in the Nifty Six. The author retains all rights. No reproductions are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
May 1972
Lucy
My last semester of college just inched along. I finished putting together photos for an exhibit of Billy and Danny but their appearance in that sex film postponed the actual showing. One of my professors had introduced me to a friend of hers who has a small gallery in Soho and we had tentatively agreed on a date in March but then decided that it just wouldn't be possible to put on a serious though somewhat erotic art show only a couple of months after the models had appeared in a XXX movie. We were probably going to get a totally different audience but who could tell if there would be an overlap. We talked it over and decided to try doing the show in the fall. I very much want to do it but I've realized that it has to be while the boys are still in school. Once they've graduated and started teaching there can be no more public displays of nudity for them.
Before the semester even began the five of us talked about Spring Break and agreed we wouldn't be going away this year. We all associate Ft. Lauderdale with Brad too much and we couldn't go have a good time there while he was in Vietnam. So we all stayed close to home, enjoying day trips or just hanging out. Peter and Mark seem to be more of a couple than before. Maybe it's just that they seem so relaxed in each other's company. Mark seems happy anyway, and that's what matters most.
This month has been a series of graduations. First Mark's from BC, then Peter's from Harvard Law, then finally mine from Douglass. It's so strange to think that I'm finally finished with school. That's all I've ever known. I'm probably going to be lost in September but for now it just seems like every other year. I'll be staying home, working for George, maybe doing a little freelance photography. At least until Brad comes home. We haven't made any definite plans for the wedding but that is when the big change will come in my life and that's still a long way off.
Mark and Peter just had small family gatherings for their graduations so my party was a chance for us all to celebrate. It wasn't a big party, just a few friends from high school and college and, of course, all of my gay boys. A small group, but loud and boisterous. We went through quite a bit of booze and at one point everyone took turns making a toast to Brad. It was very touching.
Mark
Peter and I looked forward to graduation for a number of reasons. He had landed what he thought was a very good job with a law firm in downtown Manhattan starting in July. I'd been accepted at NYU Law School starting in September. So as soon as we had our graduations out of the way we were going to begin looking for an apartment in the city.
Peter has a large family and they had a party for him at home. They have no idea that he's gay so he brought me along as his best friend. They seemed like good people, everyone was nice to me and I had about as good a time as you can have in a house full of strangers. The dinner my parents had for me wasn't quite as nice. They're still living in denial and they weren't happy that I insisted on Peter being there. Even Jamie wasn't very warm toward him. It was a subdued evening, not at all a party. Thank God for Lucy. Her party finally gave us a chance to celebrate and have some fun. We had a blast, even if we all did drink too much and had hangovers the next day.
About a week after the graduation parties Peter and I got together for a day of apartment hunting in the city. Mom and Dad both gave me yet another hassle about it over breakfast. They still wouldn't say what they really meant. I made up my mind that as soon as I'd moved into a place with Peter I was going to have 'the talk' with them. If it went badly at least I wouldn't have to live with them every day. After all this time I'd hoped that they'd have adjusted to the idea that I was gay or at least be willing to talk about it but I guess it was gonna be up to me to bring it up.
I met Peter in front of The Restaurant a little after 9:00. He had made appointments for us to see about a dozen apartments scattered all over the Village so we had quite a schedule to keep. I knew that rents were high in Manhattan but I was still disappointed by what was in our price range. The apartments in the West Village were either tiny or run-down or both. By 2:00 we had worked our way east and were seeing places a little bigger. We finally settled on a small one bedroom on St. Mark's Place. It wasn't quite as much room as we wanted but the neighborhood wasn't too bad so we grabbed it. We gave the rental agent a deposit and Peter took the lease to look over. He had a family dinner to get home to so I took the train back home.
As soon as I walked in the door I knew something was wrong. Jamie or Kathy usually had the stereo blasting but the house was dead quiet. My father came out of his study looking terribly serious.
"Come in here, Mark. I have to talk to you."
Oh shit! After all this time of not saying anything now they wanted to talk. All I wanted to do was run over to Billy and Danny's and tell them about the apartment. I really didn't want to have this talk now. I followed Dad back into his study and sat on the small couch. He remained standing and leaned back against his desk.
"Where's Mom? Shouldn't she be here?" I figured they'd need each other for moral support. Or at least to make each other drinks.
"She's out in Mendham with your Aunt Marcie."
Shit, he thinks this is so bad Mom shouldn't even be in on the discussion. This is not going to be good. I was getting so annoyed with the way they were handling this that I wasn't prepared for what came next.
"Your Uncle Bill came over this morning with bad news, terrible news, in fact."
It took a second for me to realize what he was saying, then it hit. No! No! He couldn't mean that. It just couldn't be.
"Oh God no! Please no! Not Brad. Please! Tell me it's not Brad!" Before he could even say anything I was crying. I could see it in his eyes.
"I'm sorry, son. Uncle Bill and Aunt Marcie were notified this morning." Dad came over and sat on the couch next to me and took me in his arms. "I'm so sorry to have to tell you, Mark. I know how close you two boys have always been."
"But it can't be, Dad. He wasn't in combat. He wasn't fighting. I just got a letter from him. He's okay. He has to be. He's just got to be all right. It's got to be a mistake."
"According to the army he's officially listed as missing is action, but they don't hold out any hope, really."
"But how? What happened? What went wrong?"
"Apparently there was an important bridge near the Laos border north of Hue that was damaged in some flooding. Brad was sent with several other engineers to check it out. They ran into an ambush. Their truck hit a mine in the road and they were attacked. It happened last week."
Last week, while we were all partying.
Dad went on, talking with no emotion, like he was reciting lines he'd memorized.
"It took a few days for our troops to fight their way in to where it happened. The truck was completely destroyed. They found no trace of Brad or one other guy but there were no survivors."
"Then if they didn't find him maybe he's still alive. Maybe he was taken prisoner."
"It's possible, but the army doesn't really think so. Our guys were driven back before they had a chance to thoroughly search the area but from what they saw it didn't look like the enemy was taking any prisoners. It was a pretty gruesome scene."
I couldn't stop crying. Dad held me like I was a little kid and I just shook and bawled. I don't know how long I cried. My brain wouldn't function at all. Nothing made any sense. I don't know how long I was out of it when suddenly I thought of Lucy. I struggled to get my crying under control.
"Does Lucy know, Dad? Has anyone told her?"
"Yes, Mark. Uncle Bill stopped there to tell her on his way over here. As you can imagine she was pretty hysterical. Her aunt called their doctor in to help take care of her. Aunt Marcie's doctor is with her as well. She completely fell apart at the news. I think your Mom will be staying out there for a few days. Jamie and Kathy are at your grandparents' house."
The thought of Lucy got me thinking a little more rationally and a little less hysterically.
"I've got to go see Lucy. She's gonna need all of us. We're all gonna need to be with each other."
"I don't think you're in any shape to go out, son. And I'm sure Lucy's doctor has probably got her pretty well sedated."
"I'll be okay, Dad. I've got to see the others, though. I need to be with them."
"You need to be with your family, Mark. I'm going to pick up your brother and sister and then take you all out to Uncle Bill's."
'Lucy and Billy and Danny are my family, too, Dad. I have to see them. How about if I go over there while you get Jamie and Kathy?"
"All right, son. I'll drop you off. But don't be too long."
Billy
Since school ended Danny and I started going for a walk every morning after breakfast. We took a different route every day, just wandering around town. We usually walked about an hour, sometimes a little more.
We'd stopped to sit on a park bench on the Green and just enjoy the beautiful Spring morning so we were a little later than usual getting back to the apartment. Dr. Stern's car was parked in front of the house.
"I wonder if someone's sick," Danny mused as we walked down the driveway past the house.
"He probably just stopped by for coffee with Aunt Connie. I think he's got a thing for her."
"He be nuts not to, Billy."
When we reached the top of the stairs there was a note on our door asking us to come down to the house right away so we turned around and let ourselves in the back door. Dr. Stern and Aunt Connie were sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in front of each. I was about to turn to Danny with an 'I told you so' when I noticed that Aunt Connie was crying.
"What's the matter? Is everyone all right?"
"I'm afraid I have some horrible news for you boys. Brad's father came by just after you left this morning."
"Oh my God! Is Brad all right? Did he get hurt?"
"No, Danny, I'm afraid it's much worse than that."
I went cold from head to toe. Danny swayed slightly next to me and I grabbed him and held him steady. He fell against me and I eased him into a chair as he started to cry.
"Oh, God no, Aunt Connie. It can't be. It just can't."
"It's not definite, Billy, but they're pretty sure." Aunt Connie briefly ran though what Mr. Heath had told them about the ambush. Her voice was shaking and she kept sobbing through it all.
My eyes were burning as tears ran down my cheeks. I looked at Danny and he looked paler than I'd ever seen him. He was crying also but he looked like he was in shock. I know I was. Dr. Stern suggested we go into the sunroom so Danny could lie down. I helped him up and into the other room. The shock must have started to wear off because Danny was half hysterical by the time I got him to the couch. I held him tight and tried to comfort him but I wasn't very much in control of myself.
Dr. Stern opened his little black bag and took out a syringe.
"Don't worry, Billy. It's just a little something to calm him down. An injection works faster than a pill. I had to give Lucy a shot a little while ago."
Fuck! I was in such a daze I'd forgotten about Lucy. She had to be out of her mind.
I tried to hold Danny still while the doctor gave him the shot.
"How is Lucy? Where is she?"
"She's in her room sleeping, Billy. She completely fell apart at the news. Dr. Stern gave her something to make her sleep."
"Don't worry, Billy. This shot I've given Danny isn't as strong as the one I gave Lucy. It's just something to help him get himself under control. I called in a prescription for Lucy. I think maybe Danny could use some valium for a while. He's a very sensitive young man."
"I don't want to take drugs, Doc."
"We'll see, Danny. I'll call the drug store just in case."
I sat on the couch and held Danny tight. We talked for a while, I don't remember what. None of us was making much sense. After a while Danny seemed to get sleepy so I helped him up to the apartment. We spent the afternoon lying in bed clinging to one another, alternately crying and dozing. A knock on the door shook us out of our stupor. I opened the door and there was Mark, looking like hell. He threw his arms around me and started bawling. I held him for a bit, gently stroking his hair, and tried to comfort him. Danny came over and joined in the hug. We just stood there for a few minutes, hanging on to each other, almost afraid to let go. Finally, we all moved away from the door and into the apartment.
"I stopped at the house to see Lucy but Aunt Connie said she was sleeping. How is she, guys?"
"You know about as much as we do. We were out when your uncle came by and Dr. Stern had already put her to bed by the time we got back. How are you holding up, Mark?"
"Not well at all. I just can't believe it. I don't want to believe it. I took a couple of my mom's tranquilizers before I came over or I wouldn't even be able to function."
"Be careful what you take, Mark. Dr. Stern gave me a shot and I've been sleepy all day but I'm still not handling this well."
"Neither am I. I keep going back and forth between just wanting to scream uncontrollably and feeling numb. My dad is coming by to get me in a few minutes to go out to Mendham. It's gonna be so much worse out there."
"I can imagine. Is there anything Danny and I can do for you. Mark?"
"Actually, could you call Peter? I was so out of it at home that I forgot and I don't think I'm gonna get a chance once I get to Uncle Bill's. Besides, I'm not sure I can talk about it yet. I'd probably lose it on the phone."
"I know what you mean. Billy and I haven't been able to talk much about it yet. It's bad enough having it in your head but so much worse to have to say the words out loud."
"Don't worry about Peter, Mark. I'll call him and let him know what happened."
"Thanks, Billy. I almost feel like if I don't say it then maybe it'll turn out to be a terrible mistake."
Danny
For a week we've all been walking around like zombies, hardly saying anything. Mark comes over and we spend most of the day with Lucy, just sitting around, not talking much. Sometimes Peter comes out from New York. Aunt Connie is at school teaching all day so we try to be there for Lucy as much as we can.
Billy is pretty quiet but I know how much he's hurting. He's trying to hold it together for the rest of us and believe me we need all the help we can get. I start to cry every time I hear Brad's name or even think of him. Dr. Stern had some valium sent over from the drug store but I don't want to take pills. I don't want to spend all day crying either but at least it's real emotion. And I keep thinking that maybe I'll run dry after a while.
Mark is in so much worse shape than me. He absolutely worshipped Brad his whole life. He goes back and forth between being totally stony and quiet and then freaking out hysterically. Peter can calm him down a little but most of the time he's out of control. I gave him my valium. He needs it more than me.
But it's Lucy who scares me most. Dr. Stern has her on some combination of strong anti-anxiety and anti-depressant drugs. She doesn't cry or show any emotion at all. She talks rationally but sounds like she's dead inside, like she's feeling nothing. There's a far-away look in her eyes that makes me wonder if she's really there even though she keeps up with what little conversation we have. Billy and I are both worried about her and it makes me even more sad to see her like this. Every time we leave her I fall apart again.
Billy's strength is such a comfort to me although at night when we lie in bed, Billy behind me, holding me in his arms, he cries right along with me. We've had some really bad times in the last few years but nothing comes close to the pain we are both feeling.
I thought we'd have a rough time at work, that we'd be too emotional to be able to handle the job, but we actually got through it quite well. The Restaurant was so busy and we had to work non-stop so we didn't have time to think about anything else. Each shift just flew by. It was almost like being able to turn off my emotions and brain for six hours. I wished Lucy had something like that to occupy her mind. She's not up to working, especially not weddings, so she's just staying home doing nothing.
Sunday evening we got home from work and Aunt Connie called to us from the back door before we went upstairs to the apartment.
"Come in for a bit, boys. Lucy and I were just having some ice cream."
We went in and sat at the kitchen table with them. Lucy had an untouched bowl of melting ice cream sitting in front of her. The medication might be keeping her emotions under control but it's not helping her appetite any. Aunt Connie got us each a bowl.
"I was just talking to Lucy about the summer. I think it would be good for her if we went away for a while."
"Away? Where to?"
"I thought we'd go visit my cousin near San Juan, Danny. We could leave in a few weeks as soon as school is out. Would you boys keep an eye on the house while we're gone?"
"Of course, Aunt Connie. But are you sure that's what you want to do? I mean, I know a change of scene might be good, but Danny, Mark and I are here and can keep Lucy company."
"It's okay, Billy. Aunt Connie and I have talked a lot about it this weekend. I love being with you all but I think I need to get away. Everything here reminds me of Brad. Even you guys. I need some time in a completely different place."
"Well, if you're sure you'll be all right."
"No, Billy, I'm not sure. I don't know that I'll ever be all right again. But I have to try. And I've got to have Dr. Stern take me off these drugs before I leave. Maybe I needed them for a few days but I don't want go through this horrible tragedy thinking rationally. I need to cry, to feel the pain. I don't want to, but being numb isn't helping anything."
"How long do you think you'll be gone?"
"I'm not sure, Danny. I don't have to be back for school until Labor Day so for now we're talking about a couple of months but we'll see how it goes."
"Don't worry about the house or anything here, Aunt Connie. Danny and I will take care of everything. Just take care of Lucy."
Lucy
Dr. Stern weaned me off the heavy drugs over a couple of weeks in early June. He left me on a tranquilizer but it's nothing compared to what I was taking. Of course, as I came closer to reality I began hurting and crying more. Some days I just hung out with Billy and Danny and cried all day. When that happened Danny usually joined me. Poor Billy had to alternate between us, comforting one, then the other. I was miserable but at least what I was feeling was real. By the time Aunt Connie's summer vacation began and we left for Puerto Rico I was able to keep myself pretty much under control. I wasn't feeling any better, just able to keep it in when I had to.
Aunt Connie's cousin Maria lives in a small town about ten miles outside San Juan, not far from the beach. We used to go there every year when I was a kid but the last time had been shortly after Uncle Evan passed away over five years ago. Even so everyone welcomed us warmly and with great sympathy. It was comforting to be surrounded by a large Latin family even though I spent most of my time alone.
Every day Aunt Connie walked with me to the beach. She'd sit as soon as we got there and I'd take a long walk along the edge of the water, thinking. Remembering the past, thinking of all the good times with Brad. The same thoughts, over and over. All I could think of was the past. There was no future, not for me anyway. Every time I tried to pull myself out of the past I saw nothing.
Aunt Connie had the patience of a saint. She didn't push me, just stayed with me and waited. I hardly talked at all, only of mundane things. I just couldn't get past my grief. I felt only loss, that life was over. There was no point to anything any more. One day I finally asked Aunt Connie to walk with me so we could talk. I told her about the emptiness, the hopelessness inside me.
"I feel like I'll never get over this, that I never want to get over it. What can I do, Aunt Connie?"
"I wish I had some easy answers for you, dear. One thing that I have learned is that you never get over something like this. You get past it, you learn to live again, but you never really get over a loss as terrible as this."
"But what should I do? How did you do it when Uncle Evan died?"
"I probably felt a lot like you're feeling right now, Lucy. I didn't want to go on without him. Life was so good with Evan. But I had to go on for you. You were grieving the loss of the only father you had ever known. So taking care of you helped distract me from my own pain a little. And eventually I learned to go on for me. And to go on for Evan as well, because he would have wanted me to."
"But I don't have anyone like that to take care of."
"Maybe not, Lucy, but you do have people who love you. Only you know what you need right now. Let those of us who love you take care of you. And remember that others are also hurting. Hurting for themselves and for you. Love your friends and let them love you."
"We've always taken care of each other but this is so overwhelming. I can't help but feel there is nothing left for me, that everything I wanted is gone."
"It's understandable that you feel that way. But everything isn't gone. You have to focus on what you still have. Billy, Danny, Mark. Your photography. Your old aunt. Make the most of what you have in your life. Life won't be the way you thought it would be, but it can still be something good."
July 1972
Mark
Peter and I have kept busy all summer but it hasn't helped my state of mind. We moved into the apartment in the middle of June. There wasn't all that much to move. My parents gave me some old furniture and his parents gave him some. We found the rest in second hand shops around the Village. My parents have actually been pretty decent about my move into the city with Peter. I guess we're all still so overwhelmed by grief that they're not letting a little thing like my living with a guy bother them. Or maybe they realize what a basket case I am and are afraid I'll break down if they're not careful.
They wouldn't be too far off. I'm so close to the edge. I keep thinking that this should be an exciting time for me, moving into my first apartment with a guy I'm in love with. And in Greenwich Village, of all places. It should be the start of a new life full of hope and enthusiasm. Instead, the only thought that keeps going through my head is, 'What's the point?' I'm just going through the motions.
Peter has really been good to me through all of this. He's so kind and loving, so full of patience. He seems to sense what I need. He pushes me when I need it, calms me down when I get too wound up and just comforts me the rest of the time. He really doesn't need all of this shit I'm going through, especially with his new job at the law firm just starting but he hasn't complained. About the only good to come out of the last couple of months has been the realization that he really must love me. All of my insecurities about him being with other guys seem silly now. He's here for me, loving me, taking care of me. That's all that matters. Except that most of the time I feel like nothing really matters at all any more.