Billy and Danny

Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Ch. 18

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. The author retains all rights. No reproductions or links to other sites are allowed without the author's consent. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.

Jan. 10

Danny

After our talk yesterday, I asked Billy to take Lucy to the Commons for dinner. I didn't feel like eating and, to be honest, I didn't want to be around Billy for a while. Plus, I figured the two of them could use the time to talk. Billy could unload all of his thoughts on Lucy, and Lucy could tell him what a shit he was for what he did to me. I'm not always the angel people take me for.

After they left, a sort of aftershock hit me. I couldn't stop trembling and I cried for nearly an hour. I'd never been so scared in my life. I had been afraid of Billy and afraid for Billy at the same time. Plus, I'd never been in a fight or been the subject of physical violence. And it hurt, really hurt. My throat was still sore and I had bruises all over, super-sensitive to the touch. My ass was so raw I wasn't sure I'd be able to sit on a hard classroom chair for my Economics final on Monday. And my nipples were so sensitive that just wearing a shirt stung like hell.

But it was the emotional part that I was reacting to the most. Everything I'd been through in the past two weeks. Billy's beating and injuries, all of our parents' finding out, losing my home and family, losing all of my money, trying to help Billy get though his problems, and get through final exams at the same time. Billy keeps telling me how strong I am. He's wrong. I can't handle all of this. I just want to fall apart, to crawl into bed, pull the blanket over my head and never get up.

But I have one more final to get through on Monday, so, after my crying jag was over, I decided to put off the nervous breakdown for a couple of days and think about how we were going to do this. How we were going to put our life back together and get past these horrible few hours. There is no doubt in my mind that we will get through it. In spite of today, I love Billy with all of my heart and soul. And I know he feels the same way about me. But we've got a lot of repair work to do.

Around 8:30, Billy and Lucy got back to the room, with a Big Mac and fries they'd picked up at the McDonald's on Easton Ave. Thank God, I was ravenous, having missed breakfast and skipped lunch to get back to Billy after the Psych final. Lucy had also stopped in a drug store and picked up some makeup base to cover up my black eye. She showed me how to apply it and it did the job pretty well.

"Now if you've just got a turtleneck to hide those bruises on your neck, nobody will suspect a thing."

"I've got a white one and a blue one, so I can alternate for a few days."

"I'm really sorry, Danny. I know I said that before, but as more time goes by, I'm so much more horrified that I hurt you. I will make it up to you. I have to."

Lucy left shortly after that and we went to bed, separately, in our own beds, the first time in months. I lay there in the dark, staring for hours at the ceiling, dimly lit by outside lights before I fell asleep. I could tell from Billy's breathing that he was not sleeping either.

Billy

I was almost afraid to be alone with Lucy. No one had to tell me what a terrible thing I'd done to Danny, but I knew she was gonna. But she surprised me. We walked over to the Commons in silence and got our food.

"Do you hate your parents, Billy?" she asked softly.

"Hate? One thing that Danny's taught me is that I never want to hate anyone. Because hate only comes back and eats away inside you. I dislike them. I resent them. I am repelled by them. What upsets me the most is that they went on all these years, acting like we were a normal, loving family, like all that shit never happened. They must have known all along what my nightmares were about, but they played dumb and acted like the nightmares were all my fault, just a nuisance to the family."

"It seems that way to you now. You don't know what was going on back then. But, in my opinion, nothing excuses hurting a child. Nothing. You're right to feel betrayed. They were supposed to love you and take care of you. And they abused you. You're going to have to come to terms with that, somehow. Danny and I both want to help. But now you've got a lot to ask Danny to forgive you for. You've betrayed him and his love."

"You think I don't know that? You think I don't feel like shit for what I did to him today? He's the most decent person I have ever known in my life and loves me more than anyone ever has and I hurt him. Attacked him and abused him. Violated him. And, even though it's obvious he's now afraid of me, he forgives me. I just don't know how to make it up to him."

"Maybe you can start by just being there for him. Forget your own feelings and just focus on his for a bit. You've both been through your own personal hell the last couple of weeks. You withdrew into yours and he's been tending to you while trying to deal with his own as well. How about returning the favor?"

"You're amazing, Lucy. You see things so clearly. Thank you for being my friend, our friend. Let's go pick up something for white boy to eat. I don't think he's eaten all day."

"Good idea. And I'll try to find something to cover up that shiner you gave him."

Lucy

I think I'm going to have to keep a close watch on these two. They're so in love, yet each is plagued by his own demons. Danny has been so focused on trying to help Billy through his inner turmoil and get the two of them through finals that he hasn't really come to terms with the loss of his family. And Billy's been so wrapped up in his fears about who he really is that he also hasn't dealt with where they are right now.

And they're both so scared. Danny's afraid of the future, of how they are going to survive. He's also got an understandable gut fear of Billy. Billy's still a little bit afraid of himself, but more than that, afraid that Danny will stop loving him.

Danny surprised me yesterday. I never saw the inner strength in him before. Billy did, and often talked about it, but I never understood. He started the day violating his own sense of ethics by taking Billy's exam for him, which must have been so hard, then tried to rescue the boy he loved only to be attacked and abused. Yet he pushed on, forcing Billy to confront his fears and open up about them. All the while hurting physically and emotionally. If he didn't have it before, Danny has really earned my respect. But he's not superhuman. He needs a lot of emotional support, too. And, unfortunately, because of today's events, he's not very open to Billy's support right now. So I've got to be there for him. And for Billy, too.

Jan. 11

Danny

The weekend was fairly quiet. I stayed in, except for meals. I didn't want anyone to see how marked up I was. So I studied for my Economics final. It's my worst course, so it was probably a good thing. Billy was more like his old self, though a little quieter. And so apologetic. I think if he says 'I'm sorry' one more time, I'll scream. We talked a little about it yesterday.

"I love you, black boy. You must know that. I have since the day we met and I passed out on you and will until the day I die. I miss your touch so much, but yesterday is still too new in my memory. I want you so bad, but I can't get myself past that yet. Can you wait for me?"

"I'll wait for you forever, white boy. There is no one I ever want but you. Take your time; I will be here waiting for you. Just let me take care of you like you've taken care of me."

"Okay. But don't expect too much too soon. You hurt me and scared me. I'm still dealing with that. But, understanding what was going on inside you makes it a little easier. Just give me a little time."

"Take all the time you need, baby."

Lucy came over yesterday and today for lunch. She took us to Patty's today for pizza, her treat. She also made sure the makeup on my eye looked right. She's acting almost like a mother to both of us, soothing me and scolding Billy at the same time. I don't know what we'd do without a friend like her.

Lucy

The boys seem to be doing okay. They're acting toward each other almost like normal, though at arm's length. Even with the physical distance between them, they seem to be doing better emotionally than at any time since Christmas.

Over the last few weeks, I've realized that I have fallen in love with both of these boys. And that's not good for me. Their friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I've fallen in love with two illusions I can't have. I know they love me. I feel it every second I am with them. But they are in love with each other. And they are gay, not bisexual. I have had these fantasies, where they are bi and I can be included in their love. The three of us in love and making love. Having seen and photographed and drawn them in the nude makes it that much more real a fantasy, but a fantasy it is.

I hadn't realized over the months that I have known them that I have completely neglected my own love life, as I've been so wrapped up in theirs. I need a man. I need to find some guy I can feel toward even a tiny bit the way Billy and Danny feel toward each other. And I need to get laid. I've only done it a few times with a couple of guys, but, watching these two and knowing what's happening between them, I am so horny. Maybe when I get home for semester break I can look up one of the guys I liked in high school.

It's not like I want to pull back from Billy and Danny. I love them so much and want them to be a big part of my life. And any guy I go out with had better understand that. But I need a little loving, too.

At lunch today, I brought up the idea of going home.

"I was thinking of heading home this afternoon. I'm done with my exams. But I don't want to abandon you guys. I know you've got your last final tomorrow, Danny, so you have to stay. And you were talking about staying the whole week. Are you okay with me leaving, or should I stick around?"

"We haven't really talked about it, but the plan was to stay until Friday. Maybe we'll just do that."

"I know, Danny, but so much has happened in the last couple of days. Since you two are staying apart, adjusting to what just went down, I thought that maybe Billy would like to go home with me today, and I could come get you tomorrow, or whenever this week you are ready. At the same time, I hate to leave you alone. If you both want to stay, and you think you need me, I'll stay too. I have nothing at home I urgently need to get back to."

"You go home, girl. Danny and I may be apart a bit, but we really need to be together right now. At least that's the way I feel."

"Billy's right, Lucy. Thank you so much for how you've helped us the last few days, the last few weeks, but we have to do this together. Go ahead with your plans. We'll get by."

"Okay, but if either one of you needs someone to talk to this week, call me collect. Please. So when do you want me to come get you?"

"Don't worry about it, Luce. We'll take the train and a bus. And we have our own apartment, so it's not like we'd be barging in on your and Aunt Connie unexpected."

"Billy, the train and the bus take hours and then you have to walk over half a mile, with all your stuff. Just tell me when to come get you. It's only a 45 minute drive."

Billy and Danny looked at each other for a minute. They seem to be able to communicate without speaking sometimes. It scares me. Finally, Danny spoke up.

"Pick us up early Friday afternoon. We'll be ready."

Billy nodded.

Billy

I can't believe that Danny took my Psych final for me. With my total insanity Friday, I completely forgot about it. But it was the first thing that popped into my head when I woke up yesterday, a sign that I had returned to planet Earth. Danny was sleeping in, so I just paced the room until he woke up, having an anxiety attack over having missed a final exam. Apparently, he awoke before I realized it and was watching my pacing when I noticed he was up.

"I told you not to worry about yesterday. It's gonna take me a while to get over it, but I understand."

"It's not that, babe, though what I did to you is driving me crazy. But I woke up realizing I'd missed my exam yesterday. How am I gonna get around that?

Danny yawned and smiled.

"Go back to sleep, Billy. It's all taken care of."

"What do you mean? You can't make up a final without a doctor's note."

"You don't have to make it up. You took the final. Or rather, I did."

"What do you mean? You didn't take the course. You're not me. How could you have taken the exam?"

"I told you before. I think psychology is half common sense, half bullshit. Helping you study the other night gave me an idea of the bullshit part. So, when I realized there was no way you were getting up, I figured any grade was better than no grade. It was actually kind of fun. Multiple choice and true and false were easy. Fill in the blank was tough and the essays were a real challenge in creative bullshit, but it wasn't too bad."

"Oh, God, I can't believe you did that. Thank you so much."

"Better hold the thanks until they post the grades on Wednesday."

"You are too good to be true. Is there anything I can do to help you today?"

"It's too late for a shower, but can you help me with the makeup Lucy left last night? I don't want to go out with a black eye, but I don't want it to look like makeup either. Although, now that everyone knows we're gay, what's a little makeup?"

Though I knew he didn't mean it as a zinger, I couldn't help but feel guilty at that comment. Everyone knew we were gay because of me, because I had hugged and kissed him in public, because I had to. Again, he was paying the price for my actions.

Lots of guys had finished their exams and gone home, and Saturday morning breakfast was never a big meal under normal circumstances so we got through it without a hitch. We went back to the room and Danny went back to bed. I went for a walk, trying to rationalize the way I had treated the only person who has truly loved me in my life. Lucy came over from Douglass and joined us for lunch, but seemed a bit distracted. Danny seemed more relaxed with her there, but after she went back to Douglass, we had a little talk.

I felt a little better. I was afraid he would never really forgive me. Knowing he just needed a little time to get past my abuses of yesterday made me feel so much better. I decided to give him a little space and time.

He wanted to study for his Economics exam on Monday. I decided to give him some space and left him alone to study. I gravitated over to Alexander Library, not an odd choice for an English major. The minute I got there I realized I had to piss and went downstairs to the men's room. There were a number of guys lined up at the urinals, a situation my bladder has never been comfortable with. I've always been able to bluff and badger and scare the hell out of anyone, but I can't pee standing next to another guy. So, I went into a booth and whipped out little Billy. As I finished, I saw a movement to my left. There was a small hole, maybe two inches in diameter in the wall between my stall and the next one. And there was a finger sticking through the hole, motioning me toward it. I turned toward the hole and the finger teased the head of my dick. As my dick started to harden, I leaned in towards the wall, stuffing my prick through the hole. A warm mouth immediately engulfed my dick, sucking and slurping on it. As fucked up as I have been the last couple of weeks, it felt so good. But within seconds, I realized where I was and who I wasn't with. I jerked myself back through the hole in the wall, to the muttered protests of whoever was on the other side. I stuffed my dick into my pants and practically ran out of the room.

Oh God, I love Danny so much. He is my whole world. How can I betray him over and over? I swear I will never do that to him again.

Later, when I got back to the room, I looked at my beautiful boy studying on his bed and all I could think of was how I had started to cheat on him. I knew I would have to tell him, but this is definitely not the time.

Lunch with Lucy today was great. Whenever she's with us, it's like things are normal again. I just didn't know how to react when she talked about going home. I mean, she provides a balance for us, and God knows I'm unbalanced right now. And she is so good for Danny, too.

But Danny was the one who sensed what the right way to go was. He pointed out that he and I have to do this alone, together. Throughout all of these nightmares the last couple of weeks, he has supported me every step of the way, and I have abused him horribly, yet he still has faith that the two of us can work it out.

I've been a leader for years, through intimidation, through violence. But for now, I will follow. I know Danny doesn't have any idea how strong he is, but he has this natural ability to know what is right and what is wrong. And, as scared as he gets, he sticks to it. So for now, I'm gonna follow him. I trust him, I love him, I need him.

Jan. 15

Danny

My Economics final on Monday was a disaster. I overslept, which always shakes me up, and I got there ten minutes late. I forgot to set the alarm. Nothing to do with Billy or Lucy. Just me. My insecurities have always managed to mess things up for me. I couldn't focus through the whole exam. It takes so little to unnerve me. I managed to get through it and went back to the dorm.

"How'd it go, baby?"

"Like shit. I overslept, got there late and couldn't concentrate. I think I really screwed it up."

"You probably need a hug real bad, but I don't think I should do that. I wish Lucy were here."

"Me too. But she's not, so we're just gonna have to deal with it."

"Hey, Danny boy. Don't sweat it. You had a decent average going into the test. Just like I had in Psych. You probably pulled me through Psych with a good enough grade to pass the course and you probably did good enough today to pass your course. You've got an amazing brain. I know we've been really fucked up the last few days, but I have confidence your brain just keeps rolling on."

"I hope you're right. I know I didn't fail the test, but I think I screwed up my final grade."

"Fuck it. It's only a grade. I know we have to do well in school, but I'm more concerned with our lives. I love you and intend to spend the rest of my life loving you. The semester is over. What's done is done. We have three and a half years to make up for this semester if we messed it up. But we have only a little time to make up for how I screwed up this past week. Please let me back into your life. I love you so much."

"You are my life, Billy. Don't ever worry about that. I'm going through a confusing time in my head right now, but don't ever think that I don't love you."

"Thank God. I was afraid I'd really fucked up."

Billy

How do I get Danny to trust me again? How can I keep his love? I fucked up all through school, with the gang and the fighting. From the day I met Danny I felt a calming influence. All that was uptight within me became good. And then I fucked it up. I can't believe he's giving me a second chance. No way I'm going to mess up this one. I can't live without his love. It's that simple.

I'm having a real problem, sleeping alone. And I think Danny is, too. But it's his choice and my fault, so I guess we have to deal with it.

There's not much to do on campus once all of the exams are over and most of the guys have gone home. Danny's bruises have faded so he's not as self-conscious about going out. We've gone for long walks when the weather was okay, sometimes talking, usually in silence. We've spent a lot of time in the music lounge at the student center. Yesterday, he started to get his revenge on me; at least, that's the way I took it.

We were in the room after breakfast. He threw yesterday's school paper at me with a small ad circled.

"Ready to make some money this afternoon?"

I looked at the ad. Oh, shit. A lab in East Brunswick pays for blood. After what I went through in the fall donating blood, he wants me to do it again.

"You know I can't do that. Remember what happened last time?"

"Okay, so you had a little problem. But if we go right after lunch, it might work out better. Plus, since we know what happened last time, you can take your time before trying to stand up. And maybe have some juice before getting up. We need the money, Billy. We haven't spent a penny since we came back from Christmas vacation, but we have less than a hundred dollars between us. And we have to buy food for the two weeks we're going to stay at the apartment. And when we come back, we have to buy books for next semester."

"I know about all of that. I was just hoping there was an easier way."

"What, me selling my little white butt on 42nd St? Get real. We don't have many options. It won't be so bad. And I'll catch you if you fall."

Danny explained that we could only sell a pint of whole blood once every eight weeks, but that we could sell plasma every week.

"They probably don't pay as much for the plasma. They take the blood, separate out the blood cells and give them back to us. They just keep the fluid, or something like that. I don't remember the details from when I worked at the hospital. But at least we can make a little money each week. And we should check with Professor Adams and Professor Cameron about modeling next semester."

"You've got it all figured out, haven't you, Danny?"

"Not all, but it's a start. We're in trouble, Billy. We've got to save up an awful lot of money next semester and this summer to pay for next year. Dean Nash said we probably wouldn't get back into the dorm next year. It seems that there is a housing shortage. Freshmen are guaranteed rooms and then it goes by seniority, so sophomores are at the bottom. We've got the apartment at Aunt Connie's, but if we stay there, we'll need a car to commute. Or we could try to find an apartment within walking distance of campus. Either way, it'll cost a lot."

"Shit, you've been thinking a lot further ahead than I have. I've been focused on how I screwed things up last week and how we can put it all back together."

"I've been thinking about our immediate future, too. But I told you once before to let me worry about the long run. One thing I'm good at is worrying."

"Okay, you've convinced me. I wasn't crazy about this blood thing, but now I know we have to do it, so you won't get any more arguments from me about it."

"For now, I want to go see how I did on your Psych test. They were supposed to post the grades today. Whadda you say we go see if I screwed up your average?"

"I'm almost afraid to find out, but let's go."

Danny surprised me by taking my hand as we walked down College Avenue. God knows it felt so good to touch him again, but he'd never initiated any public displays of affection before. And there had been no private displays in several days.

"Don't get me wrong, white boy, I'm loving this, but what's going on here?"

"Don't think things are back to normal, 'cause I'm still reacting emotionally to last week. But I miss you so much. I miss your touch, your feel. We need to start getting in touch again. And now that others know, who cares? Fuck 'em. It's none of their damned business."

I can't believe this is my shy little white boy talking. He's still a little scared, mostly of me, I guess, but he's ready to take on the world, for us. I just smiled and held on tight to his hand all the way to the Psych Department.

The test results were posted on the door by student number. We scanned down the list until we got to my number. Seventy six. Not bad for a boy who hadn't taken the course. And there weren't that many grades that were higher. They'd said they were going to grade on a curve, so I think I did pretty good. Or Danny did.

Giving the blood worked out better this time. After lunch, we took the campus bus across town to Douglass, then walked about 2 miles to the lab. I did what Danny suggested and waited longer before getting up. We each got paid $15.00. They pay $10.00 for plasma. But the best part of the day was when we got back to the dorm room.

"Billy, I miss you so much. I'm not sure how ready I am for this, but we've got to start having some physical contact again. Holding hands was great, but I want more. After all, Lucy's coming to get us tomorrow and the apartment only has one double bed, so after tonight, we'll be sleeping together again."

"If you're not ready for that, I could sleep on the loveseat. I don't want you to go faster than you're comfortable with."

"Thanks, baby, but let me try something. Just stand still and let me hug you."

My whole body tensed as he approached me. He wrapped his arms around me and I melted. After a minute of holding me in a tight hug he said, "Try hugging me back. I think I need to feel your arms around me."

I hugged him back. Oh God, it felt so good to have my beautiful boy in my arms again. I was lost in the rapture of holding him for a minute, when I realized that Danny was crying. I pulled away and looked him in the eyes.

"What's wrong, baby? Are you all right?"

"I love you so much, Billy. I've missed you so much. This feels so right. I just know we're going to make it."

I took a chance and kissed him lightly on the lips, then pulled him back into my arms again. For the first time in a long while, I also knew things were going to be all right with us. Thank God.