Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Ch. 17
This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com.
Jan. 6
Danny
Coming back to school early hasn't helped Billy. Or me either, for that matter. I went to my PO box as soon as we got back. There were two pieces of mail. One from Mom.
Dear Danny,
I know the money in your account is yours and always will be. But your Dad and I have discussed this and we cannot turn it over to you at this time. If we did so, we would be supporting a life that we do not approve of and one that we believe you have not freely chosen. When you realize what that boy is doing to you and come to your senses, we can talk. Until then, your money will stay in your bank account, for you, Please believe that we love you and are only doing this for your own good.
Mom
Shit! We don't have any money. Everything I have earned and saved in my life, I can't touch. How can we possibly get through all of this? The next piece of mail was even more disturbing. It was from Dean Nash, the Dean of Students. Basically, I was ordered to appear in his office at my earliest convenience, or immediately, whichever came first.
So I went over to his office yesterday morning at nine. Billy wasn't up yet. I mean he was awake, but not really responding. I didn't want to pile my troubles onto his, so I just kissed him on the forehead and said I'd be back in a while. I didn't have to wait long at the dean's office.
"Daniel, I have received a most disturbing letter from your mother. She has a lot of negative things to say about your roommate and feels he is a bad influence on you. She insists we separate you two immediately, for your own good. What do you have to say about that?"
"Dean Nash, I know that my mother and father have never liked Billy and they think he is a bad influence on me, but he isn't. He's the best friend I've ever had. He's a good influence on me. They just don't understand."
"Your mother goes further in her letter. She says that your roommate, William Mathews, has seduced you into an involuntary sexual relationship."
Oh, God. What do I say? I felt like shriveling up into the chair and disappearing. How could Mom have ever written that? I can't face this, I just can't.
"Dr. Nash, my parents do not approve of my life. I'll admit I'm still getting used to it. They are shocked because of the way I have grown up since I arrived at Rutgers. They think I'm still their little boy. They don't understand me, but I hope someday they will."
"Nevertheless, they are your parents. Here on campus, we act as your parents, in their place. So when they ask or demand something so specific, we have to respond."
"Sir, I am an adult. So is my roommate. I have informed my parents that I no longer consider their home to be my home, since I can't live by their rules. They have informed me that they will no longer support me financially, or even let me have my own money. At this point, they have nothing to do with my life. I wish things hadn't turned out this way, but they have. They have nothing to do with my life and shouldn't have anything to say about the way I live it."
"If that is the case, and you no longer live at home and depend on your parents, we have some forms for you to fill out. You will then be an independent student and considered to be completely on your own. Do you want that?"
"Yes, sir, I do. Give me the forms. And give me ones for Billy as well."
Billy
Oh God, I'm really scared. I'm barely functioning and not getting anywhere resolving the stuff going on in my head. I took my Sociology final this morning and think it went okay. The only times I'm all right is when I can bury myself in something like school work and turn off my life. The rest of the time, if I'm not studying, I'm a zombie. I hardly talk to Danny, though I can't let go of him when we are together. Today, I heard him telling guys in the dorm that I had the flu and was kind of out of it. Good lie, for a beginner. If I don't make any progress on my own by the end of finals, I'm gonna have to lean on my boy, much as I hate to burden him with this crap.
I've got my History final tomorrow and Psych on Friday, and that's it. I know Danny has one test more than me, but I can't even concentrate enough to remember what and where and when. If I'm not studying, or lying in Danny's arms, I'm just staring off into space. Danny was apparently busy while I was taking my test this morning. As we sat down for lunch at the Commons, he pulled some papers out of his notebook.
"I've been over at the Dean of Students office. These are the forms we need to fill out in order to officially cut the umbilical cord. Once they're filed, we no longer have any connection to our parents as far as the university is concerned."
"I'm glad that at least one of us is on the ball enough to think of things we have to do."
"Actually, the Dean's office got in touch with me. Mom wrote a letter insisting we be separated and spelled out why."
"Shit! You mean the Dean knows about us? Talk about coming out. Can't either one of our mothers keep their fucking mouths shut?"
"Don't worry, he didn't seem shocked or put off by it. But I do have some bad news. I know you're not in the best shape to take more bad stuff, but you have to know. I got a letter from my Mom. She won't let me have my money."
Damn! It was what I expected, but Danny's optimism had even led me to hope that somehow he might get the money. I was feeling really down as we bussed our trays.
"I don't want you to worry about this too much, Billy. You've got a lot on your mind. It's gonna be a little tough until next semester gets going, but I have a few ideas. Let me take care of this. I know we're gonna be okay."
I was so taken with his concern for me and impressed with the way he was taking charge, I just didn't think. I wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug, then stepped back, took his beautiful face in my hands and planted a big kiss on his mouth.
In front of several hundred of our fellow students.
"Oh, shit. Those two jocks on the crew team who live down the hall saw us. I'm sorry, baby, I just lost it for a minute. I didn't mean to do that."
"It's okay, Billy. We'll handle it. One thing at a time. We'll get through somehow."
Back in the room, we filled out our forms for the Dean. I retreated into sleep, while Danny took them over the Dean's office.
Danny
I dropped the forms off at the office and headed back to the room, thinking I would play with some numbers and see if I could figure out a way we could survive financially until next semester. I knew we could sell this semester's books back to the bookstore and buy used books for next semester. And maybe only buy them as we needed them, instead of all at once. And I've seen an ad in the school paper for a lab in East Brunswick that buys blood. We survived our donation a couple of months ago, in spite of Billy's reaction, so we could probably do it again, this time for money. The problem is that you can only give every eight weeks. But I remember from working at the hospital that you can give plasma every week. It doesn't pay as much, but it's something. I was lost in thought as I walked down the hall toward my room.
A loud whisper caught my attention. "Danny!"
I looked up and saw Joe standing in the doorway of his room. He looked up and down the hall and motioned for me to come into the room.
"Better watch out. Those two jocks down the hall came back from lunch pretty pissed off at you and Billy. They said they'd seen you kissing in the Commons and weren't about to tolerate a couple of faggots in the section. What's going on?"
"It was nothing. Remember, I told you Billy hasn't been feeling well. And he's got lots of crap he's dealing with at home, too. You know how close we are. He just got a little overwhelmed by his feelings."
"Gary said it wasn't just a little kiss on the cheek, but a real passionate on the mouth kiss. Are you two really queer?"
"Does it really matter? I mean, if we were, why should anyone else care? Whose business is it anyway?"
"I've never known anyone gay before. And I'm not even sure if I'm cool with it. But I know Bob won't be. Watch out for Gary and Don. They're really against you and on the warpath. They could be trouble."
"Thanks. Joe. We don't want to bother anyone. Right now, we just want to be left alone."
I went across the hall. Billy was asleep in his bed, something he was getting real good at. I lay down on my bed, wondering when yet another shoe would drop. A pounding on the door jolted me awake. It was enough to even rouse Billy from his sleep. I opened the door and was faced with Gary and Don, filling the doorway, though I could see that there were others behind them.
"A lot of us in the section have had a meeting to decide what to do about you faggots. None of us wants you here. But we're all stuck here together. You're lucky we don't punch your lights out, though it looks like someone's already done that to your nigger boyfriend. So since we're all stuck with each other, we've come up with some rules. Follow the rules, and nobody gets hurt. Step over the line and you'll wish you hadn't."
Don picked up without missing a beat. "First, showers. You two have exclusive use of the shower room from 6:00 to 6:15, AM and PM. You are not allowed in there any other time. Second, the bathroom. Under no circumstances are you ever allowed to use a urinal when one of us is using one. Use a booth or wait in the hall for us to finish. And understand that we do not want to be friends. So there is no point in your speaking to any of us. In fact, we may interpret that as you trying to come on to us, and you don't want to give us that impression. We've written out these rules and made you a copy, signed by all of us who are in agreement, so that you know who you are dealing with."
As Don handed me a paper, Billy spoke up, showing more life than he had in days, almost like the old Billy.
"We'll go along with your silly, paranoid rules. But remember one thing. You may be jocks; you might work out and do well in your chosen sports. But I grew up fighting on the streets of Newark. If any one of you lays a hand on either Danny, or me I'll beat the shit out of you. That's not a threat or a promise it's a guarantee. Now get the fuck out of our room!"
I thought that, in spite of the horrible turn of events, maybe Billy had made a breakthrough. But as soon as the crisis was over and we were alone, he fell back into his stupor.
Jan. 8
Danny
Billy and I got through our History final on Tuesday okay, I guess, though it was really weird. We walked down to Scott Hall holding hands. At 8:45 in the morning, in broad daylight. Billy's in real trouble. He can function on some levels, but is totally out of it on others. We're both in the same history class, so at least we could take the test together. I finished quite a bit before him, but I went over mine until he seemed to be finished. We walked back up College Ave., again holding hands. I was so self-conscious, noticing all of the stares. Billy was completely oblivious, holding onto my hand so hard it hurt.
After lunch, we went to the Student Health Center for Billy to have his stitches taken out and then went back to the dorm. I started looking over my Calculus book, thinking I hadn't paid enough attention to the course all semester so maybe I should review it a bit before the test on Wednesday. Billy went right back to bed. When he's not studying, he just lies on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He's running away, hiding, not dealing with his problems, and I don't know how to help him.
I just don't know what to do! He's so remote, so uncommunicative. But he so desperately needs me. He clings to me all the time. We sleep together, pressed together as one. I feel so inadequate, like I should be doing something to help, but can't. Oh God, I love him so much and can't bear to see him suffering so. But what can I do?
My calculus final went all right Wednesday afternoon, but I'm finding it hard to concentrate on school. I hated leaving Billy alone in the room and he didn't seem to like the idea much either. Also, now that we're "out", I'm a little bit nervous about being alone outside our room, whether outdoors, or in the dorm. It's really irrational paranoia, I keep telling myself. Ninety nine per cent of the student body has no clue who we are or has seen us holding hands. And most of those who have seen us really don't care. But paranoia is irrational, and it's there.
Tonight, Lucy came over to eat with us at the Commons and see how we're doing. I think she was pretty shook up by Billy's obvious decline in the few days since she had seen him last.
Lucy
I think Billy is seriously in need of help. He's become so wrapped up in his own head. Danny and I tried to keep a conversation going with him throughout supper, but he barely responded.
"So, guys, how are you doing with your first experience with college finals?"
"It's not so bad. We both had Sociology on Monday and History on Tuesday. I had Calculus yesterday. Today was a day off, thank God. Billy's got Psych in the morning, then I've got Economics on Monday and we're done."
"My last exam is also Friday morning. Do you guys want to head home right after that, or stick around until the end?"
"I've been thinking that we might stick around. I know the apartment is ready for us, but the dorm room and all of our meals here are paid for through the end of next week so we might as well stay. Plus, they'll be posting grades so we'll know how we did on the exams if we stay."
"How're you feeling, Billy? Doing okay with exams?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Which question was that in answer to?"
"Both, I guess."
"Billy, please know that Danny and I both love you very much. We'll do anything for you and will always be there for you. If you want to talk, we're here."
"I know. Please just drop it, okay?"
My eyes widened in surprise as Billy reached across the table and took Danny's hand in his and just held it. Danny noticed my reaction.
"I guess you could say we've come out, Lucy. The other day as we were leaving here, Billy hugged and kissed me. Lots of guys saw, including a couple of jocks from our dorm section. They spread the word, so for now we're not very popular in the dorm, to say the least."
"I'm sorry, baby."
"Nothing to be sorry for, Billy. You needed a hug and a kiss. Why should either of us have to wait until we get back to our room for that? Straight people don't wait."
"So is anyone giving you problems?"
"The jock contingent came up with some shower restrictions and bathroom privacy rules, but they're really only about a third of the section. A lot of guys have told me privately that they don't care one way or another. So we'll avoid the jocks and follow their rules and we should be fine. Plus Billy threatened them if they laid a hand on us and I know they took him seriously."
On the way back to the dorm I asked what they were up to for the evening, hoping Billy wasn't going to spend the time moping, bringing Danny down.
"I'm gonna help Billy study for his Psych final. I figured I'd take his notes and pull stuff out and throw questions at him. It's less boring than just rereading notes and textbooks. Besides, after three exams in three days, I'm tired of studying my stuff. And I've got all weekend to get ready for my Economics final."
"Sound like a good plan. Like a mini-study group."
"Billy, why don't you go up to the room and get your stuff out. I'll walk Lucy to her car and be up in a minute."
"G'night, Luce."
"Nite, Billy. I hope you feel better."
Billy went into the dorm and Danny and I walked toward the parking lot.
"Has he been like this all week?"
"Each day he gets a little worse. He wants to work it out by himself, but I don't think he can."
"We have to do something. What about the student counseling service? I think he may need professional help."
"I've talked to him about it, but he's against the idea. He thinks they're probably all anti-gay and will try to focus on that as the problem."
"But we can't let him go on like this!"
"I've come up with an idea. Two ideas, actually. Both long shots, but they're all I can think of. Billy and I sometimes play a little game, sort of act out a fantasy of his. I won't go into details because it's really private, but it does get a rise out of him. I'm going to try it out after his final tomorrow and see if I can get him to snap out. But if it doesn't work, I'm going to need you. Are you going to be in your room tomorrow afternoon?"
"Yeah, I'd planned to spend the day working on some sketches."
"Well, if my idea doesn't work, I'll call you. You can come over and we'll find a way to make him to open up. Maybe you could find a joint or a bottle of booze or something to loosen him up. We've got to force this poison he's got bottled up inside him out. It's eating away at him."
"I agree. We have to try something. How are you getting through all of this, Danny?"
"Not well, but not too bad. I'm so concerned about Billy that the rest of the stuff seems easy to deal with. My parents, finals, the guys in the dorm; nothing matters as much as Billy. So I just do what I have to do every day, and do what I can for Billy."
"You know, Danny boy, Billy has always told me you were the strongest guy he ever knew and I never knew what he meant. But I think I'm beginning to understand. I love you so much. Remember, I'm here for you, too, not just for Billy."
"Thanks, Lucy. I love you, too."
As I pulled out of the parking lot, I watched Danny walk back toward the dorm. Good luck, white boy.
Jan. 9
Danny
"Get up, Billy. It's quarter after eight. Your exam's at nine. We have to hurry to get a little breakfast so you can get there on time."
"No. I can't do it," he groaned.
"Sure you can. You've done it all week. And last night you knew everything. You were great. This is gonna be a piece of cake."
"You don't understand. I can't get up. I don't want to get up."
"That's me most mornings. But once you're up, it gets easier."
"Get out of here, white boy! Leave me alone! I can't do it."
"But it's your last exam. You can sleep this afternoon when you get back. C'mon, baby. Just a little bit more."
"NO! GET OUT!"
He pulled the blanket over his head and turned away from me. Now what? Oh. God, he's hitting bottom. What do I do? I laid out a plan with Lucy last night. It still might work, but what do I do right now? He has a high B average in Psych. A zero on the final and he'll fail. He just wants to sleep, escape. I sat there on the side of the bed agonizing over what to do for a long time. Finally, I reached a decision. Maybe he'll be okay for few hours. I can't seem to get through to him in any case. I'll take a chance and leave him alone for a while, then see if I can work some magic. I threw on some clothes and kissed him on the cheek.
"I love you, black boy. Sleep tight. I'll be back soon."
Then I did something I never thought I could do. I went down to Scott Hall and committed the most dishonest act ever. I took Billy's final exam for him. It was a huge lecture hall full of students, and nobody knew who anyone was. I know Billy's student ID number as well as my own, so I just went in and put his name and ID on the test and took the test. I've always thought psychology was half common sense and half bullshit, and after spending a couple of hours going over his notes with him last night, I don't think I did too badly. Even if I just barely passed, he will pass the course and get credit for it. I rationalized my cheating by telling myself that I did far worse on the exam than Billy would have, so how is that cheating?
It was lunchtime and I hadn't eaten all day. I missed breakfast, trying to get Billy up for his test. But I had to see how he was. Maybe he'd be alert enough to go for a late lunch, maybe not. Either way, I had to put Plan A into action this afternoon. The minute I got to the room, I could see he was no better. He was still in bed, staring at that damned ceiling. I talked to him, encouraged him, cajoled him, but he wouldn't get up. Finally, I decided it was time to go into my act. I started a slow striptease, peeling off my clothes while teasing him, taunting him.
"Hey black boy, want a nice white ass? You're so tough, so mean. And I seem to be all alone here, lost and at your mercy. How about it, rough, tough street punk? You want this sissy suburban white boy? I'm just a shy white kid. You're the tough city boy. You've got me at a disadvantage. You're so much stronger than me. You could have your way and do anything to me and I couldn't stop you."
By now I was naked, slowly showing myself off to him by his bedside, the way we moved through Lucy's photo shoot. I keep teasing and taunting him, trying to get a rise out of him.
All of a sudden, he seemed to explode into action. He leapt off of the bed toward me.
"You little white shit! What makes you think you're so much better than me? I'll teach you who's in charge here."
With that, he swung his arm and slammed into my face with the back of his hand. The impact knocked me across the room and I fell against my bed, hitting the metal frame of the side of my bed with the side of my chest. I didn't know if my face or my chest hurt worse. He grabbed my right arm really tight with his left hand and pulled me up. I was almost standing upright when he slammed his right fist into my gut, knocking me down again and knocking the wind out of me. Almost before I'd hit the floor, he picked me up and threw me face down on the bed.
"You fuckin' white boy. You want to get fucked? Well, you're gonna get raped. Get ready for a big black dick up your ass."
I was gasping for breath, trying to recover from the blows as I heard him unzip his pants. I saw him reach for the KY, thank God. He must have applied some to himself, but none to me. Then, without any warning or preparation, I felt his big head at my hole. He forced his way in, pushing in all the way in one motion. A searing pain shot through my body. With his right hand, he grabbed my hair and pulled me up against him. He wrapped his left arm tightly around my throat and held me pressed against his body. And began to fuck, forcefully pumping in and out of me. He must not have used much of the lube, because I felt a burning pain with each stroke. His arm was so tight around my throat that I was having trouble breathing. His right hand was reaching around, squeezing, twisting and pulling on my nipples harder than we'd ever tried. There was no pleasure, only pain. I thought he was going to rip them off. And now and then he'd reach under me and grab my balls and squeeze them tight, until it felt like he was crushing them. I tried to beg him to stop, but no sound would come from my throat. Finally, I twisted my head to one side, easing the pressure on my throat.
"Please, Billy", I whispered hoarsely, "Stop. You're hurting me. Please stop."
He kept at it, pounding into me and hurting me. I turned my head a little more and caught a glimpse of his eyes. There was a wild look in his eyes. But more than that, I could see Billy was absolutely terrified. He looked more scared than I felt.
"Please, Billy. Stop it. Stop hurting me. I love you."
He glanced down and we made eye contact. And in an instant, he froze. He just stopped moving altogether and just stared into my eyes. Then he loosened his grip on my throat and lowered me onto the bed and slowly pulled out of me.
I laid there in absolute fear of what was coming next. I heard him zip up his pants. He knelt next to the bed and reached toward me. He reached over and gently touched me. I flinched and pulled away.
"I'm sorry, baby, really sorry. I don't know what came over me."
"Just stay away. Don't touch me."
"I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you okay?"
"Just get away, leave me alone."
"Are you all right? What can I do?"
"Just get out of here and leave me alone! Get out!"
He put on his coat and walked to the door.
"Believe me that I'm more sorry than I have ever been in my life. I love you, Danny."
Billy
I've been slowly sinking all week. That big dark hole that Danny's been pulling me back from? I feel like I've been slowly pulling him into it. He's trying, but the darkness is winning.
This morning, I just couldn't budge. Maybe we're all at our weakest first thing in the morning, but I just couldn't function. I heard all that Danny was saying, but it made no difference. I couldn't get up. This isn't working. I can't figure this out myself. But I don't know how to deal with it and I hate to burden my friends with it. But I've got to do something. I'm reaching a crisis point.
I awoke and Danny was back, doing a slow strip, teasing me. I realized he was playing our game. My first thought was. 'You're an angel, working so hard to pull me together.' My second thought was, 'this is so wrong. This is exactly what I can't handle.'
And then I exploded. It was like my brain shorted out. I went wild. I attacked him. I hit Danny, I beat him, I sexually attacked him. I was wild. I was aware of all I was doing, but it was like I was a hundred miles away, watching it on a TV screen. I was so afraid for Danny, yet didn't seem to realize that I was the one causing him harm. I could hear him hoarsely begging and pleading for me to stop, but I was out of control. And then I looked down. He had turned his head, enough to look back at me. As soon as we made eye contact, the storm raging within me ceased at once.
I looked into my baby's eyes and froze. Oh, God, what was I doing to him? I gently lowered him to the bed, withdrawing from him in the process. I fastened up my pants and knelt by the bed.
I knelt down and tried to apologize. But he wasn't listening. He was in a world of pain and betrayal. He wouldn't let me in and ordered me out of the room. I didn't want to leave until I could see how bad I'd hurt him and if he needed help. But he wanted me out. I grabbed my coat and left, not knowing what to do.
I paced around the courtyard in front of the dorm for a while in the cold January air, praying for Danny, and cursing myself. Finally, it hit me. Lucy. The fact that I hadn't thought of her before was a sure sign that my brain wasn't working well. I ran up into the dorm to the pay phone in the hall and called her dorm.
Lucy
I was just finishing a sketch of one of the photos I'd taken of the boys when there was a knock on the door.
"Telephone, Lucinda."
Damn, I guess Danny's plan didn't work. But maybe I could still help with Plan B. I went down the hall to the pay phone.
"Danny?'
"No, Luce, it's Billy."
"You sound like you're crying. What's wrong? Are you all right?"
"No, far from it. I've hurt Danny real bad, and I don't know if he's okay. Can you come over right away?"
"What do you mean you hurt him?"
"I attacked him, I hit him. I hurt him. And he won't let me near him. You've got to get over here and make sure he's okay. I'm scared about what I did."
"I'll be there as soon as I can get there."
"I'll be out in front of the dorm."
I drove across town like a madwoman, taking every shortcut I knew, running stop signs and red lights when I thought I could get away with it. I parked illegally in the Records Hall parking lot behind the dorm and ran around the building. Billy was pacing back and forth, tears running down his cheeks. He grabbed me in his arms and hugged me.
"Oh God, Lucy, I don't know what I've done. Danny's been so good to me all week. Then, this afternoon, he came on to me in a way that we've had fun with. And something snapped inside me. I attacked him, I hit him, I forced myself on him. I've hurt my baby boy. And I don't even know how bad. When I came to my senses, he wouldn't let me near him. Can you go up and see if he's all right?"
"I know you think you're tough, Billy, but if you've hurt that boy, you're gonna be feeling my knee for a very long time."
He gave me his room key and I went upstairs, afraid of what I'd find. I softly knocked on the door. No answer. I let myself in with the key. In the fading light, I could see Danny on his bed, under a sheet, curled up in the fetal position, shivering.
"Baby, it's me, Lucy. Are you okay?"
"I don't know," he whispered hoarsely. "I hurt all over. My throat hurts, it's so sore."
I grabbed a glass, went over to the door and opened it. Billy was sitting on the floor against the wall. He jumped up.
"Make yourself useful, asshole. Go get some water." I closed the door and went back to Danny and turned on the lamp by his bed. "Let me take a look at you baby. What happened?"
"He was worse than ever this morning. He had his Psych final and I couldn't get him out of bed. He just wouldn't budge, he was so withdrawn."
"You mean he missed his exam? Damn, they only let you make them up with a doctor's note."
"I'm not proud of it, but once I realized he wasn't going to make it, I went down to Scott Hall and took the test for him. I probably fucked it up pretty bad, but any score is better than zero."
"But you didn't take the course. How could you get through the exam?"
"I helped him study last night, so not everything was completely alien sounding. I hope I did well enough for him to pass the course."
"You're amazing, you know that?"
"Anyway, when I got back, I tried our little game. He just went off the wall. Is he okay?'
"I can't believe you're asking if he's okay, after what he did to you."
There was a light knock at the door. I went over and opened it slightly and Billy handed me the water. I closed the door without a word and went back to Danny.
"Here, baby, drink this. Maybe it'll make your throat feel better." I could see bruises forming all across the front of his neck.
"I love him, Lucy. If you saw what I saw in his eyes this afternoon, you'd know he didn't mean to hurt me. On the other hand, after going through what we went though this afternoon, I'm on edge and afraid of him. We need to talk. Can you get him to come in here to talk and stay with us though it all?"
"I'd do anything for you, baby."
I went out into the hall. Billy was pacing back and forth on the landing at the top of the stairs. I walked over to him and, very calmly and very deliberately, slapped his face harder than I've ever hit anyone.
"You beast! How could you have done that to that sweet boy? Do you have any idea what he's gone through for you the past couple of weeks?"
"I'm sorry, Lucy, I'm so sorry. I wasn't myself. I'd never deliberately hurt Danny. I love him so much."
"Believe it or not, he wants to see you. He wants to talk. Or, more to the point, he wants you to talk, and us to listen. So if you care even a little for him, you'd better get your sorry black ass in there and spill your guts."
Billy
I can't believe he's giving me a second chance after all I've done to him. Lucy and I went into the room. Danny was sitting on the bed, leaning on a pillow wedged between him and the wall and the sheet wrapped around him. He was hugging another pillow in front of him. Even in the dim light I could see that the skin around his right eye was beginning to darken.
"Hold on a sec."
I grabbed a washcloth and ran down to the bathroom and soaked it with cold water, brought it back and gave it to him to put on his eye. I tried to hug him, but he pushed me away.
"I'm sorry, Billy. I love you. I want to help you. But, right now, I don't want you to touch me. I really can't handle that."
"I'm so sorry for what I did to you. I didn't mean it. Can you ever forgive me?"
"I've already forgiven you. But I'm only human and it's gonna take some time before I get over it. So, give me some time, okay?"
"Whatever you need. I'm so sorry."
"So let's talk, boys. Billy, you've been keeping a lot bottled up inside you since the day after Christmas, insisting you could deal with it yourself. Obviously, you can't, and it's hurting all of us. Open up."
"It's all in the nightmares, isn't it, baby?"
"You've got it, Dan. Lucy, I don't know if we've ever told you about these nightmares I have sometimes. They happened when I was a kid, then they went away, but came back when I started here at Rutgers. I never remembered what they were about, just that they terrified me. And Danny's the only one who's been able to make them stop."
"But that changed on the 26th, didn't it, Billy? You had the nightmare while you were awake, right?"
"Yeah. The second Pop hit me, it all came flooding back into my conscious mind, paralyzing me."
"Wait a minute, your father hit you?"
"Sorry we lied to you Lucy. I begged Danny not to tell anyone. I wasn't mugged or attacked by a gang on the street. It was my father. He found out about Danny and me. But I was so ashamed and didn't want anyone to know. Danny actually saved my life by breaking into the house and knocking Pop away from me. And this is how I repay him."
"Back to the nightmare, Billy."
"Yeah, well, like I said, when Pop hit me all the memories came back. He used to beat me when I was little. Around three, maybe a little younger, maybe a little older. He'd hit me, choke me, throw me around, kick me. I don't remember how often, but it seems like it was all the time for a while. I somehow suppressed all the memories, but now and then it came out in my dreams. And now I know why Mama was never able to comfort me when I had the nightmares. Because she was there. She let it happen. She let him beat me."
"Oh God, what a horrible thing for parents to do to their child. I can understand your being very upset with them, but why has that put you in the mood you've been in since then. I mean, Danny's horrified and distraught with his parent's rejection over his being gay, but he's functioning. What's going on in your head?"
"You've got to understand the perception I've always had of myself. I've always come out on top. In my gang, I was on top, the leader. In school, my grades always put me near the top. And all of a sudden, I'm thinking of myself as a victim, a loser."
"Billy, you overcame all of that and made something of yourself. You can't blame yourself for being a three year old victim, but you made yourself a winner."
"I know, Danny. But that is what that has made me question myself even more. I always justified my gang activity by saying I had to do it to survive. That I didn't like fighting and hurting guys, but, because of where I was and the fact that I got good grades in school and I knew I was gay, I needed to fight to gain respect, to prove that I was as good as anyone, to cover up my being gay."
"You explained all that to me a long time ago."
"But for the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking, 'What if I'm like him? What if I am an animal, a bully? What if I like to fight and beat people? What if all my excuses for fighting were just rationalizations?' Maybe I wanted to fight. Maybe I wanted to hurt people. Maybe I'm a monster. And my actions this afternoon only make me think that is probably the truth. To think that I could hurt you, my baby, that only makes me think the worst."
"Billy, you're not an animal. You're not a monster. I've known you and lived with you and loved you for over four months. I think I know who you are. You're a kind, caring, compassionate man, who is passionate in his belief of peace, equality and justice in the world. You are a lover, and only a fighter when you have no other choice. Yes, you have anger in you, justifiably. But you are so good at finding peaceful ways of expressing that anger. You are not at all like your father. Whatever his reasons, whatever his background, he is a bitter man who hates and finds no good in the world. You are not like that at all. You've had a tough life and have done what you had to to get through, but you are a good guy. I know."
"I just beat you, hurt you, and raped you. And you say such wonderful things about me. You must be superhuman, or from heaven, or something. You are the one who has shown me how to face injustice with reason and peace.""
"Billy, I'm not perfect. I am human. I understand in my head and heart what happened here today and I don't hold it against you. I teased you hoping to get a response, and wasn't prepared for the ferociousness of the response. But that doesn't mean it's not going to take a while for me to get over this. As much as I love you, I think separate beds are a good idea for a few nights. As much as I love you and will always love you, you hurt me really bad today. Emotionally, I need the biggest hug in the world from you. But, realistically, I'm sorry, I don't think that I could bear to have you touch me right now."
"Oh God, I swear will make this up to you, my baby. I don't know how, but I have to and want to. You are my life. No one has ever been this good to me. And I never have or ever will love anyone more. Thank you for loving me and believing in me and helping me. I owe you my life, many times over."
Lucy
Wow! I can't imagine I'll ever experience an emotional moment more powerful than that. I couldn't help but think that the looks on their faces, the emotions in their eyes would have made terrific pictures, but for once, I was glad I didn't have a camera. Because, for once, I experienced all of that emotion and passion in real time, not hiding behind a lens, but being right there. All that pain, all that sorrow, all that love.