Billy and Danny

Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Ch, 16

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments are appreciated at NJMcMick@yahoo.com. Please note that I have changed my email address.

December 27

Lucy

Aunt Connie and I were up long before the boys. We sat in the kitchen, sipping tea, talking about what we knew of yesterday's horrible events.

"I can't imagine what they're going through, but I want to make this as comfortable and safe a week as possible for them. To have both faced their worst nightmares on the same day, not to mention Billy's injuries, it's almost beyond comprehension."

"I have a good mind to call their mothers and tell them what I think of them. Can you imagine a parent treating their child that way? I had a strict Catholic upbringing and you know I didn't even want to meet Billy and Danny when I found out they were gay. But I still think that in spite of those prejudices, if I had found out that you were gay, while I would have had problems with it, my love for you would have overcome anything else."

"You haven't had the easiest life, Aunt Connie, so maybe you'd try to be more understanding. Uncle Evan's family sure didn't make things easy for you when he told them he was marrying a Puerto Rican. And one with an illegitimate baby niece."

"I know. Those were bad times. It was years before they accepted me, but they did in the end. And they loved you, too."

"I know you mean well, but please don't call their mothers. This is something intensely personal for them and they have to work it out themselves. We're going to have to walk a fine line this week, being there for them, offering our support, yet giving them some privacy, some time to deal with this together and not interfering."

"I don't think it will be too hard. It's easy helping them. Every bit of my being reaches out to them, wanting to help. But I think they will pull away when they have to, retreating into their own space. There's a lot they haven't told us about yesterday, some of which we may never learn. They're good at protecting their privacy and each other."

"I hear the shower going upstairs. Sounds like they're up."

"Let's get breakfast started and practice smiling."

Danny

Somehow, we fell asleep, cuddled up against each other. I awoke first, realizing that we were back in the position we were always in after Billy's nightmare, spooning, me behind him. When the memory of yesterday flooded back into my head, I felt so down, so overwhelmed, yet holding Billy gently in my arms gave me comfort.

"I'm lost, my little white boy. I don't know who I am anymore. And I know so many things I don't want to know. Promise you'll love me, no matter what, promise you'll take care of me."

"Oh, Billy, you know I will always love you and take care of you. No matter what. "Please tell me what's wrong, tell me what's troubling you, let me help you."

"I can't talk about it right now, and maybe not for a while. Remember once I told you that I don't handle changing realities very well? Well, my realities have really changed. I'm questioning my whole life. I have to get it together in my own head first."

"Gosh. I thought I was having a hard time dealing with my parent's rejection, even though it's pretty much what I would have expected. Just remember, when you're ready, I'm here. I'm going to take a shower then I'll help you clean up. Will you be okay for a few minutes?"

"I will be if you help me into the bathroom and you let me watch you shower."

"Once a pervert, always a pervert. C'mon perv, let's go."

My shower was the easy part. Washing Billy was a little tricky. I used a washcloth to scrub any place he wasn't bandaged, though I discovered some of those places were pretty sore. And I had to keep the bandages dry. And then had to rinse the soap from him, again without getting the bandages wet. It took longer than I expected, but I loved every minute.

After carefully helping Billy into his clothes, we went downstairs to find a breakfast fit for a king ready for us-bacon, eggs, hash browns, toast and OJ.

"Aunt Connie, this is fantastic, but please don't think you have to do this for us every morning. Just letting us stay here is so generous. We can live on cereal for breakfast."

"You have no idea how long it has been since I have had the pleasure to host two such good looking men. Indulge me, and let me pamper you."

"Well, since you put it that way. Thanks so much."

"So how are you both feeling this morning?"

"Surviving. I'm trying really hard not to keep replaying the scene with my parents in my head, because it shakes me up every time I think of it."

"I'm completely washed out. I've got a hundred things running through my head and I don't want to think of any of them. Plus, I hurt everywhere, even worse than yesterday. The pain medication helps, but it slows down my brain, which might be a good thing, actually."

"Do you think we should call the Newark Police and see if they have any leads on who did this to you, Billy?"

"A black boy gets beat up on a street corner in Newark and you think the police are going to be tracking down leads?"

"Well, they should be."

We ate in silence for a few minutes. Billy and I were famished. We'd eaten so little yesterday. Lucy broke the silence.

"Obviously you've got a lot on your minds. You're both dealing with very traumatic emotional issues and Billy some pretty painful physical stuff. We both want to help you, but we don't want to be in your way, either. I think maybe the best way to start is to work on some practical issues."

"I know it's morning when I don't function that well, but what do you mean?"

"This is why it's handy to have a level-headed straight female friend around. I can't help you with what's going on in your heads, but I can give a little advice about keeping your lives moving. For example, where do you live?"

"Don't be silly. In the dorm."

"The dorm is a temporary abode, white boy. I mean, you've got to have an off campus address."

"I don't see why that's a pressing issue right now, Luce. Our parents sent in payment for next semester last week, so we're covered until May."

"It's an issue because Rutgers is going to send your grades at the end of the semester to your off campus address. Plus any other important, official information."

"I didn't think of that. Maybe we can rent a box at the Post Office in New Brunswick."

"I'm not sure the school would accept that. Aunt Connie, would it be okay with you if the guys gave our address until they come up with something more permanent?"

"Gee, getting three or four extra pieces of mail over the next few months? That's a lot to ask. Of course it would be okay. You don't even have to ask."

"Thanks, Aunt Connie. You're the best. I guess Danny and I should go to the Post Office and fill out those change of address things, so any mail that is sent to our parents' addresses will come here instead."

"You're right, Lucy, I guess there are some practical things that we need to take care of. When Billy and I get back to school next week, we'll give the administration this address. Thanks for a short term solution, but that only makes me think, what are we going to do in the long run? I mean, next semester is paid for, tuition, fees, room and board, everything except books. And Billy can model for Professor Adams, and maybe he can get me a job doing that too. And maybe you can see if Professor Cameron can use us at Douglass. I don't like it, but I've done it and survived, so who cares? We'll get by, until May, that is. Then what?"

Aunt Connie spoke up as a voice of reason.

"Danny, while it's good to plan ahead, it's not so good to worry about things that may never happen. By May, you might be back on good terms with your parents. You don't know what the future holds. Right now, today, just try to work on today. I promise that we'll work with you on all of the other days."

Billy

I'm nowhere close to feeling like the guy I was when I woke up yesterday. I hurt all over on the outside, and feel ripped apart on the inside. I don't think I can handle it, but I have to. Danny's been through so much, first fighting off Pop, then handling my medical treatment and going through what must have been hell for him with his parents. I can't lay this on him too. I have to work on it on my own, and then, when I've got a grip on it, I can talk to him. Then he'll help me, I know. But it is too much to ask him now.

Breakfast was good; not just the food, but the conversation, too. Lucy's right. I think I can deal with day-to-day things and let the other stuff work itself out slowly. Although Danny seems to work on two levels, the now and the what-if future. He seems like he can handle right now, but worries so much about the future. On the other hand, I am having so much trouble with right now, that I can even think about the future.

"So I guess the first thing we should do is go to the Post Office. Then we can come back here and do some studying. We all have finals next week and some review time wouldn't hurt. But first, and I hate to be a pain in the ass, I need Danny to help me upstairs."

Danny helped me up the stairs to the guest room and sat me on the bed.

"Okay, black boy, what's up?"

"While you were worrying about our future, I began to wonder about our present. Exactly where are we, financially? I only have nineteen dollars in my wallet and about fifty in my checking account at school. How about you?"

Danny took out his wallet and counted.

"I've got seventeen dollars and I think I have around thirty in my checking account."

"So we have $116.00 between us. Not even enough for books for one of us for next semester, much less to live on the next five weeks."

Danny thought for a minute. "I should have around $1600.00 in my savings account, even after paying this year's school costs and my allowance so far. I'll write to Mom today and ask her to send me a check. We're still going to have to work for every penny we can get, but that should be a good enough of a cushion to get us though the short haul."

I tried so hard not to sound bitter or cynical.

"Do you really think after all that's happened, she'll send you the money?"

"It's my money. And she's my Mom. Of course she'll let me have it, even if she hates what I'm doing."

Danny

Billy is right. Lucy is right. Aunt Connie is right. Maybe I am a Pollyanna. Maybe I am totally naïve. Maybe I shouldn't even be on this planet, because no one else seems to think the way I do. But Billy has a point. We need money. And I've got a lot, but I have to get Mom to send it to me. I know I didn't say the right things last night. Maybe I can phrase things in a way that keeps the door open and gets me access to my money.

Dear Mom,

I know things didn't go well between us yesterday. I love you and Dad and I know you love me and only want what is best for me. I know that you are trying to make the best life for me that you can. But, as much as I wanted to hide it from everyone, you have to understand that I am gay. And that has nothing to do with Billy. It's me. Me only.

I also know that you have never liked Billy. And, I have to confess, I still don't know why. He's a great guy and I think you'd love him if you gave him a chance. If you gave me a chance, too.

Anyway, I think it may be a while until you and Dad and I are on the same wavelength with this. I understand that. It hurts, but I understand.

So, since it may be a while before we come to terms with this, could you please send me a check for the balance in my savings account? I've worked hard for this money and may need it soon.

I wish you could understand. I pray that some day you will.

Your loving son,

Danny

Lucy took us over to the post office and we filled out the change of address cards. I mailed the letter to Mom, using my campus P.O. Box as my return address. I didn't want them to find me at Lucy's and try to drag me home.

Then we went back to Lucy's to study. They had it easy. As an art major, Lucy only had finals in two liberal arts courses. Billy had done a paper for his English Lit. class, so he only had three exams. I had four, all but English Comp. After about an hour, Billy looked over at me.

"How're you holding out?"

"Okay. How about some lunch?"

"Sounds good. Let's see what Lucy and Aunt Connie are up to,"

We found Aunt Commie in the kitchen making homemade turkey vegetable soup. It smelled as good as my Dad's.

"Where's Lucy?'

"Still studying. I'm glad you boys came down. I wanted to talk to you about semester break and where you'll stay."

"What do you mean? We've got a couple of weeks of finals, then a couple of weeks off before next semester begins. We can stay in the dorm."

"You have no meal plan between semesters. I think you should stay here."

"Aunt Connie, you are fantastic. We can't thank you enough for taking us in this week and giving us an address, but Billy and I can't keep imposing on your hospitality."

"The soup's got another half hour to simmer. Come with me."

We went out the back door and across the back yard, shivering in the 30 degree weather. There was a staircase up along the side of the garage. Aunt Connie led the way and opened the door at the top with a key from her pocket. We stepped inside, where it was just as cold.

"When my mother-in-law passed away, and Evan and I realized his father couldn't live alone, but was too independent to live with us, we had this attic converted into a little apartment for him. It's been empty for many years and it's small, but it's yours for as long as you need it. You can be with Lucinda and me, but still have your own place. You can get mail here, fix your own meals, take care of yourselves and not have to worry about imposing on us. It needs a lot of cleaning and fixing up, but that's up to you. I don't want any rent because the place doesn't cost me anything. The utilities are separate from the house, which is why it's so cold in here. The heat and water are turned off. You would have to pay for them. I know it's not much, basically a dorm room with kitchenette and bath, but I want you to have it, if you want it."

Billy and I looked around the room, then at each other and nodded.

"Oh, God, Aunt Connie, you're amazing! You're our fairy godmother. Thank you so much. We'll try to stay out of your way."

"Not too far. I insist on at least one dinner a week with you at the house."

"I don't think white boy or I would object to that."

"I've got to get back to the soup. Why don't you two look around and familiarize yourself with the place?"

At the back of the apartment was a small bathroom with a decent sized stall shower with room enough for two. Next to it was a kitchenette, separated from the main room by a counter. The main room was maybe 15' by 15'. There was a double bed in one corner and an armoire next to it. Across the room was a loveseat, an end table with an atrocious lamp and a chair. In the middle of the room was a small square 'dining room table', with two chairs. Dust was everywhere and the air smelled stale.

"I think we can survive semester break in here, Billy. A little dusting and airing out and it'll be better than the dorm. Private bath and our own kitchen. Can you cook?"

"A little. How about you?"

"I make great grilled cheese sandwiches, and am really good at heating up frozen stuff and stuff in cans."

"I guess we'll survive a couple of weeks without the wonderful cuisine of the Commons. Except we don't really have any money for food."

"One day at a time, Billy. Worrying is my job."

Billy

The little apartment over the garage is wonderful. It's just what Danny and I need. But in a way it makes me feel even worse. With this huge identity crisis I'm trying to get through, accepting charity only makes it worse. But we need a place off campus. And Danny is obviously thrilled by it. And I owe him so much and want to make him feel better however I can. So I'll swallow what little pride I have left and accept Aunt Connie's offer. She's a good woman and we owe her big time.

And, even in the state I'm in, it was fun to watch Danny run from place to place in the little room, deciding where this and that would go. Oh, God, I love him. He amazes me so. He is so sensitive, so insecure, gets hurt so easily, yet he just keeps going, believing the next minute will be better than the last. I know, from all of our discussions, that he has been pretty unhappy and lonely most of his life. And yet, he still believes tomorrow will be better. An eternal optimist, I guess, though life isn't giving him any grounds to be one.

I, on the other hand, seem to be an eternal pessimist. Beat life, before it beats you. Life is shit, get used to it. Danny became a ray of sunlight into my dark world the day I met him. Not only did he push his optimism up against my pessimism, in his own quiet, unassuming way, he challenged every negative belief I had. He dug in, and began to make me feel that there was good in life. Then yesterday happened, and I remembered the evil in life. And that memory has changed the way I interpret everything I have done in my life for the past ten years. And I just don't know who I am anymore. And I don't think I like the person I think I am. I may even hate him. I just have to figure out who I really am.

Lucy

"Hey, Aunt Connie, have you seen the boys? I just passed their room and it was empty."

"They're out over the garage, looking over their new apartment."

"You gave them the studio? I'd almost forgotten about it. I haven't been up there since I was a kid. Are you sure this is okay with you, Aunt Connie? I mean, they're my friends, but you barely know them."

"The fact that you love them is enough for me. But I like what I've seen of them so far. I told them they have to clean the place up and pay for the utilities, but I think they're going to need a pied-a-terre for a while."

"You are amazing. I love you so much."

"I like your friends. I feel for them. I just thought that it would be easier all around if they were here, but not here all the time. They have a place to live for semester break, they can come up here the occasional weekend, have a place to spend Spring break. That old apartment finally has a purpose."

"It's perfect. I'm so worried about them. Danny is so insecure. He depended on his parents' support totally. Everything good he achieved this semester, his first reaction was, ' I can't wait to tell my Mom and Dad.' Billy says Danny is the strongest guy he has ever known, but I don't know what he means by that. And Billy. He's the strongest guy I have ever known, but he has completely fallen apart over all of this. He's hurting, inside and out. I think you've given them some stability that just might help them through this horrible time."

"They'll be down for lunch in a minute. You want to try talking it out, or just let it go a while."

"I think we should just let them go at their own pace. They've each got emotional issues and I don't want to push them."

Just then, the boys came in the back door.

"Hey, Lucy, did Aunt Connie tell you about our place? She's fantastic. You know you two have saved our lives."

"Aunt Connie was just telling me about it. It's perfect. I hadn't even though about that old apartment. You can ride up with me on weekends when I'm coming up, or take the train and bus whenever you feel like it."

"Just knowing we have a place to go, and that we are not imposing is an incredible relief. Now I know that somehow we are going to get through this."

"Not to change the subject, but we're already a couple of days late. How about we do our gift exchange after lunch?"

"That would be great. We've got your gifts upstairs. White boy can run up and get them after he makes me comfortable in the living room."

"What, I promise to take care of you and all of a sudden I'm your servant?"

"Sounds about right to me."

After a lunch of Aunt Connie's home made soup and turkey sandwiches, Danny helped Billy into the living room, made him comfortable on the couch and went upstairs. Aunt Connie sat in an armchair and I pulled the few remaining boxes out from under the tree. When Danny returned with two small boxes, he sat on the floor and leaned against Billy's legs. I sat on the floor between Danny and the tree.

"Who goes first?"

Billy spoke up. "First, you've seen our presents to each other though neither of you has mentioned them. How do you like our earrings?"

"I've never seen a man with an earring, but they look nice on you. And they are beautiful stones. Whatever made you think of them?"

"The boys saw a guy wearing one in the Village when we went in last month and they liked the look. And it does look good on the two of you."

"Yeah, Aunt Connie. We wanted something really special and different for our first Christmas. And something kind of gay, too. And it turned out to be the perfect choice because they turned out to be our engagement rings."

"Engagement rings?" Aunt Connie and I said in chorus.

"Danny, boy, you didn't have to bring that up."

I looked over at Billy and if he could blush, he was definitely blushing.

"I'm sorry, Billy. I didn't know you wanted to keep it between us."

"Don't worry, baby. I'm not ashamed of being engaged to you. I'm just a little embarrassed because the whole scene was kind of mushy."

Once given the go-ahead, Danny launched into a detailed description of Billy's proposal on the street corner in the city. Though we were both taken aback at the concept of a gay marriage proposal, it was so romantic. I looked over at Aunt Connie and she was wiping a tear from her eye.

"Okay, guys, enough of this romantic crap. Let's get to the good stuff. What have you got there for us?'

"Not much, I'm afraid. We've been operating on a tight budget, but we hope you like these."

Billy handed me a little box. Inside was a jeweler's box, and inside that was a beautiful locket on a gold chain. I pressed the tiny catch and it sprung open. And inside were pictures of Billy and Danny, facing each other. They were cut from one of my favorite photos of them, looking into each other's eyes.

"Thanks guys. It's beautiful, and perfect. I love it."

Then it was Aunt Connie's turn. She unwrapped her small box and took out the brooch. Though it has a few small stones in it, the centerpiece was a topaz, her birthstone. It was beautiful.

"It's lovely. You really shouldn't have spent so much. We've just met and I didn't expect anything at all from you. And how did you boys know my birthstone?"

"We listen and remember, sometimes."

"Now it's your turn."

"These are from Aunt Connie", I said as I handed each of them us a beautifully wrapped box.

They tore through the exquisite wrapping and ripped open the boxes like little kids. Inside, were identical sweaters that Aunt Connie had knitted for them. Billy's, a cream color that looked delicious against his dark brown complexion. And Danny's, a green that almost completely matched the color of his eyes.

"Oh God, these are beautiful. Aunt Connie, thank you so much. You're so silly. You went to all this trouble and work for us, and then get upset because we bought you a little pin? I repeat what you just said. You shouldn't have."

"You're welcome, boys. I love to knit. It's my therapy, more or less. And when I saw the yarn, I knew it would be perfect for you."

"Well, thank you again. I can't believe how you matched Danny's eyes. You're the best."

"Okay, only two to go. I was afraid I was being a little too romantic, but after your saga of kneeling on the sidewalks of New York, this is pretty tame."

With that I handed them two identical boxes, my gifts to my boys.

In Danny's was a gold ID bracelet that just said Billy. In Billy's was the exact same bracelet that just said Danny. They looked at them for a minute, and both started to cry.

"Oh God, boys, I didn't mean to upset you."

"You're not upsetting us, Luce. They're perfect. It's just that we've been through a lot in the last 24 hours or so. These are beautiful. Thank you."

"Yeah, thanks, Lucy."

Jan. 1

Danny

It's been a bad week. I still can't get a grip that scene with my parents. I can't accept that I've disappointed them and lost them. And I don't know what's going on with Billy. On the surface, he just seems a bit subdued, but under that, he's just not there. To Lucy and Aunt Connie, he's a bit quiet. But to me, he's missing in action. He's forcing a public façade, but he's totally withdrawn. We haven't made love since it all happened. Partially because of Billy injuries, partially because we're both so depressed all of the time. Once, we 69'd, and a couple of times I've jerked him off while washing him. But we're just not feeling frisky.

We are very affectionate, though. We sleep wrapped around each other. We hold hands or sit with arms around each other. Our favorite study position is me sitting at the end of the couch and Billy lying with his head in my lap. We are in some kind of physical contact nearly 24 hours a day. Last night, before our little New Year's Eve 'celebration' with Aunt Connie and Lucy, we had a talk about going back to campus, probably the longest talk we'd had all week.

"You know we can't act like this when we get back to the dorm, baby."

"I know, Dan. But it's gonna be hard. While physically I'm feeling so much better, I'm not making any progress in my head. I've been avoiding issues by burying my nose in my books. Sometimes, I think that the only thing that keeps me sane is holding you and being held by you."

"You know, we don't have to study all of the time. Maybe, if you're ready, we could talk about what's bothering you so much. It might help."

"I'm not ready yet. I'm just so confused. But we will talk, when I'm ready. I need your help now and I know I'll need it even more soon."

"Okay, I won't push it. But I am going to try everything I can to keep you moving forward and on track. It scares me to see you so lost in yourself."

"Sometimes I feel like I'm on the edge of this huge black hole, unable to keep my balance, and the only thing keeping me from falling in is you holding on to me. Which leads me to a subject we talked about a couple of months ago, but times have changed."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm not saying I want to, and God knows we're not in the best shape to handle the reactions, but what do you think about 'coming out' on campus?"

"Why are you bringing that up again now, when you don't want to come out, and we probably couldn't handle the reactions?"

"Because, I may not be able to help it. This past week, I've been clinging to you, trying to hang onto my sanity. At school, not only are we going to be apart when we take our exams, but we'll be forced to spend some time in public together. I don't know how long I can make it, not being held by you, not being able to touch you. Being apart for exams, I have no choice and I should be able to lose myself in the tests.. But being together, around others, and not being able to touch, I don't know if I can do that. And if I can't, then everyone will know. Can you deal with that if it happens?"

"Like you said, it's not something I want to face, but I would do anything for you. If you need me, I'll be there. And whatever happens happens. We'll just have to take it as it comes, like we're doing now. At least we don't have to worry about word getting back to our parents. The most important people in our lives, our families and Lucy and Aunt Connie, already know and have reacted. The rest don't matter anywhere near as much."

This afternoon, Lucy has agreed to drive us back to school. We don't really have to be back until Sunday, but we've imposed enough. In a couple of weeks, when finals are over, the utilities will be turned on in the apartment over the garage and we can stay there and not be in the way. And I think we need a few days in the dorm to get used to being there with our new problems. And I'm hoping that being back in our room will remind Billy of the life we had before and help him adjust to the way things have changed. Being in a strange place can't help him when he is, in his words, 'trying to accept changing realities.'

The past week has been the worst in my life. But, even with that, 1969 was the best year of my life, because it brought me Billy.

Billy

I'm glad Danny reacted so well to our talk. I keep feeling like I'm fucking up everything. I'm such a complete mess. A 'Ball of Confusion' as the Temptations sing. I know they're talking about the world, but it really applies to my head.

Coming out at school is something I want to avoid at all costs. I know if it comes down to any physical confrontations, I can protect both of us. One thing I will always be able to do is fight, not something I'm especially proud of. But neither of us is emotionally ready to take any more rejection. So I'm gonna do my damnedest not to do anything to cause trouble. But I'm not really in control of myself and felt I needed to warn Danny about where things might go.

Aunt Connie and Lucy have been so good to us this week. I've tried to act as normal as possible and show my appreciation, but it's been a strain. Thank God, our little celebration last night was simple. A nice, late dinner, sitting around listening to some soulful blues records and a little salsa, a little conversation, then a champagne toast and lots of kisses at midnight. And then to bed, hanging onto my sweet white boy for life.

New Year's is a time to look back and reflect, and look forward and hope. Looking back, knowing what I know now, I have been totally fucked up for eighteen years. But in the last four months, I have seen heaven, thanks to a beautiful angel named Danny. And I pray that he is an angel, because he will have to be to get me though this.

Lucy

I think the boys are going to be all right. It's been a really tough week for them, though they're getting by. Danny's been a bit more skittish than usual, Billy a bit quieter. Both understandable reactions to the trauma they've been through. And last night they seemed a bit more like their old selves when they came down for dinner; a bit more talkative, a bit more comfortable. Though I couldn't hear what they were saying, I heard them having a long talk in their room earlier; a good sign. Maybe, they're starting to work things out. Plus, they want to go back to school today, three days before they have to. I'm hoping that means they want to get back to their old routine, to resume their old life. I'm hoping.