Billy and Danny

Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Chapter 15

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading tales of male sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the story and its characters are completely fictional, it takes place at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. Remember, this was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments are appreciated at NJRimzu@aol.com.

For several weeks I have been posting a chapter each week, usually on Friday. I write very slowly, and now that Spring has finally arrived, I am finding less time to write. I do have a few chapters written and not yet posted, but I am going to start posting every two weeks, so that I don't run out of material and have to make you wait longer while I write. I appreciate all of the responses I have received from my readers and have tried to respond to each one. I would especially like to thank the Nifty Six for their support, advice and encouragement.

"Time is was and what a time it was. It was a time of innocence, a time of confidences." Paul Simon

"Stand for the things that you know are right. It's the truth that the truth makes them so uptight." Sylvester Stewart

Dec. 26

Billy

'What a difference a day makes.' Isn't that what Dinah Washington sang? And isn't it so true? I was happier than I've ever been on Christmas Eve. I missed Danny like hell on Christmas and had to put up with all kinds of family shit over the earring. Plus resentment from some that I'm going to college. I'm the first one in my family to make it to college, and though you'd think everyone would be proud of that, some are more than a bit envious.

But I think everyone was a bit thrown off by me. I'm usually the loudmouth braggart at these family functions, attacking and offending one and all. The guy with a chip on his shoulder, looking for a fight. But yesterday, I was still floating on air, still in ecstasy over the day Danny and I had had in the Village. So I was quiet and withdrawn, and happy; a very different William than the family was used to. I was just biding my time, until today when Danny would come take me away.

I managed to get through the night without a nightmare, mainly by focusing all my thoughts on my beautiful white boy. Danny had called me in the morning before leaving for his grandfather's, and again at night, before going to bed. He may think that I'm the tough guy taking care of him, but he has no idea how he takes care of me.

Danny was supposed to pick me up at noon today to go to his place. I couldn't wait. I had my bag by the front door at 11:00. Nothing I do or say makes my parents happy. They both hate Danny, for different reasons. And if I act too rough, Mama rips into me. And if I don't act tough, Pop tears into me. There's just no pleasing them. I love them, but I'm having trouble being around them right now.

About ten to twelve, I went into my room and looked around to make sure I had everything. Then I saw it, Danny's Christmas card, on top of the bureau. Thank God. I stuffed it in my back pocket and went to wait for Danny. Mama and Pop were in the living room and the wait was a bit tense. I bent down to fasten my bag and I felt a tug behind me.

"What this, William? Something you're hiding?"

I turned around and realized that Pop had pulled Danny's card from my pocket and had begun reading it. I grabbed for it, but he pulled away.

"Give me that! You have no business reading my personal stuff!"

"You fuckin' faggot! Sara, look what that sissy white boy has turned our boy into."

He handed the card to Mama as he stood up to face me.

I tried to grab it from her as I argued with him.

"You had no right to read that. That has nothing to do with you. My life is my own, and you'd better stay out of it."

Just then the doorbell rang. I ran over and opened the front door. Danny stood there, a happy smile on his face.

"I've got a problem here. Take my bag to the car and wait for me. It's definitely not good for you to come in right now. I'll be out in a minute."

I'd no more than shut the door after handing Danny my bag when Papa slammed me against the side of the head, almost knocking me over. He followed with a fist to my stomach and one in my face. I froze. Memories flooded back into my mind, paralyzing me. I've beaten tougher, younger guys than Pop, but I couldn't move. I couldn't respond. He just kept on at me.

Danny

After walking on air all day Christmas Eve, Christmas itself was a real downer. Of course the whole family was ragging on me for the earring. Grandpa was the only one who wasn't so bad. He said that he didn't think boys should wear earrings, but that at least mine was a nice looking one. And they were all over me for letting my hair grow. I hadn't had it cut since I started school and it was getting long and wavy. I liked it and so did Billy, so who cares what anyone else thinks. I got through the day thinking of seeing Billy today.

I took Mom to work this morning so I could have the car and got to Billy's around noon as we had planned. The second he opened the door I could see in his face there was serious trouble. I took his bag to the car as he asked and went back up to the porch to wait for him. There was lots of yelling going on and a crashing sound or two. And then I heard it. That horrible moaning cry from Billy's nightmares. It chilled me to the bone; realizing that he was awake making that sound, it scared me to death. I tried the front door but it was locked. I ran around to the back door, but it was also locked. I used my elbow, padded by my coat and smashed a pane of glass in the door. Reaching through the broken glass, I unlocked the door and let myself in. Mrs. Matthews was sitting at the kitchen table, eyes closed, praying. I ran past her through the dining room into the living room.

Billy was lying on the floor against the wall, moaning and crying, his face covered with blood. Mr. Matthews had his foot back, about to kick Billy. I ran at him, knowing I was a lot smaller than him, but hoping I could stop him. I hit him with all my weight, as he swung his foot at Billy's head. Mr. Matthews went flying over the back of the couch and landed on the coffee table, smashing it. He didn't move, just laid there gasping for breath.

I reached down and tried to pull Billy up. Every part of him I touched seemed to cause him pain, but eventually, I got him on his feet. Then I saw the card on the floor and understood. It was all my fault. I stuck the card in my pocket and half dragged, half carried Billy out the front door to the car.

He was barely conscious and I didn't know where any hospitals were in Newark. But I did know how to get St. Barnabas in Livingston in ten minutes or so. My Mom worked there and I had worked there through high school. I was in a complete panic, scared that my Billy was dying.

"Don't tell them who did it. I know you have trouble lying, but I don't want anyone to know my Pop did this. Tell them I was waiting on the corner for you and got jumped. Make it out like it was a mugging. Please."

I looked over at him and into his pleading eyes. And then he passed out. I drove right up to the ambulance entrance and carried him into the emergency room. The professionals took over from there.

"He was mugged, beaten up. Please help him."

Due to all of the blood, he was handled as a priority. I tried to stay with him.

'You can go now. You've done your good deed. We'll take care of him."

"No, you don't understand, he's my friend, my roommate. I have to be with him."

"Sorry, only family members are allowed."

"Wait. My Mom's the head nurse on 3100, and I worked here the last two summers as an orderly. I can help. I can do whatever you need me to do."

"Okay. You can stand by. We'll do what we have to, and you can fill in. But first, move your car to the parking lot."

I moved the car and ran back to the emergency room.

"We should really get in touch with his parents. Do you know their phone number?"

"Why, is he dying?" I couldn't breathe as I said the words.

"No, he's got a lot of problems, but he should be all right."

"His parents left on a trip down south this morning and I don't know how to get in touch with them, so do whatever you have to do. He's 18 and an adult, so fix him up." The lies just flew out of me, nothing mattered but Billy.

"Well, right now they are stitching up some wounds. He has a bad one on his scalp and a few on his torso. We have to get him to Radiology to check on his fingers and ribs. The ribs might just be bruises, but I think we have a few broken fingers on his left hand. And his nose is definitely broken."

"All that? Are you sure he's going to be okay?'

"Don't worry about it. He's going to hurt for a while, but he'll be fine. We've got to report this to the police, you know."

"What do you mean? I mean, there's nothing to report. He was standing on the corner waiting for me to pick him up and a bunch of kids jumped him. They ran away when I pulled up. Can we talk to Billy first?'

"I guess a few minutes won't hurt."

He led the way around the curtain. I gasped as I saw them suturing the cut on his head. I've seen lots of pretty nasty stuff in my two years working here at the hospital. But nothing involving someone I love.

"Billy, the doctor here says they have to report this to the police, and they have to come and question us and fill out a report and investigate."

"Doc, what I tell you is confidential and you're not allowed to tell anyone, right?"

"That's pretty much it."

"I wasn't mugged. My father did this during a family argument. I'd rather no one know."

"You know, even though he's your father, you can still press charges."

"I know, but I don't want to. So please keep it under your hat, okay?"

"If that's the way you want it."

I asked the nurse to call up to my Mom.

"Hey Ma, don't panic, but I'm down in the emergency room. Billy got mugged just before I picked him up and I brought him here. They say he's going to be okay, but when you get off from work, you can come down here and I'll show you where the car is and you can take it home. I'm gonna call Lucy and see if she can come get us later."

"I'll come down in a few minutes and see how you both are. Stay put."

I went back in to be with Billy. He was awake, but in pain. The doctor was still working on closing the long gash on his scalp, made by his father's shoe as I knocked him over. Others were feeling him out, trying to determine where he was hurt. I felt a hand on my shoulder, turned and saw Mom. I grabbed onto her and started to cry. She comforted me, sat me down and told me she'd find out what was happening with him.

In a few minutes, she was back.

"He's going to be okay, Danny. They've sutured his wounds and stopped the bleeding. But he probably has some broken bones and they've taken him to X-Ray to check that out." She paused. "I know he's your friend, but I don't think you should be around him so much. If bad things like this happen to him, they might happen to you too. I couldn't bear to have you hurt that way."

"Mom, he was attacked, and you blame him? How was it his fault? And how can you connect that to me?"

"He comes from a bad area. And he's black, which means he doesn't have an easy time in good places. That's not his fault, I know. But it's reality. No matter where he is, he's at risk. And if you are with him, so are you. Plus, no matter how much you like him, I have never felt he was a good influence on you. Your Dad and I want to get you away from him. I know he was supposed to spend the weekend at home with us, but maybe that's not such a good idea."

"You mean I can't bring him home? Where is he supposed to go?"

"I'm sorry, Danny. Maybe he can go with your friend, Lucy. Maybe the dormitory. I just don't want him in our house anymore."

I felt like screaming at her, 'You bitch, how can you be so cold hearted!' I'd never felt anything like that toward Mom in my life, but I was beside myself with worry about Billy and anger towards her. But being the rational, timid kid that I am, I responded calmly.

"Fine. I'll show you where the car is in the parking lot, so you can take it home at the end of your shift. I'll call Lucy and see if she can come get us and let us stay with her a few days early."

"That's not what I meant. I don't want you around him anymore."

"If you're worried about what happened today happening to me, I'll make a deal with you. I'll stay out of his neighborhood in Newark, not go to this house. How about that?"

"It's more than that. He's just no good for you."

"He is good for me, Mom. And I am good for him. You'd better get used to it."

"I don't like your attitude, young man. You've never talked back to me like this before. This is exactly what I am talking about."

"Go back to work, Mom. You don't know what you're talking about and I can't explain. Just believe in me, okay?'

I called Lucy and briefly explained where we were and why and begged her to come get us. She agreed without a second's hesitation. I went to Billy's side and stood there looking down on my beautiful black boy, battered and bruised. He opened his eyes and smiled at me.

"You know you saved my life? He would have killed me if you hadn't stopped him. I just couldn't defend myself. I was too stunned and horrified."

"I know, baby, try not to think about it. You had the nightmare when you were awake, didn't you? Is that what happened?"

"Yeah, it's just too horrible to think about. Don't ask me about it. I'm not ready to deal with it."

"Okay, but when you are, I'm here. I'll always be here for you. Remember, you're stuck with me."

He smiled slightly and closed his eyes.

Lucy

I thought maybe I'd hear from my boys today, even though they aren't coming to stay until Sunday. But I never expected the call I got from Danny this afternoon. I could hear in his voice that he'd been crying and was having a hard time staying in control.

"Lucy, Billy was attacked today and is in really bad shape. I'm in the emergency room at St. Barnabas with him. My parents don't want him at the house, so can we come stay with you?"

"Whoa, slow down, Danny. Is Billy okay?"

"He's hurting really bad and probably has some broken bones, but they say he's going to be okay. He's been through hell and is in a lot of pain, though. Can you help us? Can you come get us?"

"You mean you're stranded at the hospital?"

"Mom was here working when we got here. I called her and she came down. She said she didn't want Billy at our house and I told her to take the car, that I'd call you and take him to your place. I know that was presumptuous of me, but I couldn't think of anything else. Is it okay with you and your aunt? If it's a problem, maybe you could drive us back to the dorm, or to the train station so we can get back to school. Can you help us?"

"Forget the dorm, honey. I'm sure a couple of extra days will be okay with Aunt Connie. I'm just worried about Billy. And you, too. You don't sound so good."

"I'm all right. Actually, I'm not, but I have to be. Can you come over to the hospital and stay with me until they fix up Billy? I'm not dealing with this very well, and Billy needs my support more than ever."

"I'll be there in half an hour. Take care of our black boy until I get there. And take care of yourself, too."

Oh God, what is this all about? Danny didn't explain much. Attacked? By whom? When and where and how, and how did Danny end up taking Billy to the hospital? And where were Billy's parents during all of this? So many questions, and I guess I'll get the answers later. I told Aunt Connie what little I knew and left for the hospital.

I got to the hospital and was directed to the emergency room. I immediately saw Danny pacing back and forth. He ran over to me and grabbed onto me.

"Where's Billy?"

"Down there," he said, pointing down a hallway. "They sewed up his cuts and taped his chest. He has a bunch of broken ribs. Now they're fixing his nose and a couple of broken fingers."

"Oh my God, what happened? Who did this to him? Why aren't his parents here?"

"You'll have to ask Billy. I got there when it was over. And I don't think his parents care. Besides, they were leaving to go visit his sister down south this afternoon."

"What do you mean, they don't care? They're his parents, for God's sake."

"They found the card I wrote him for Christmas. They know about Billy and me. And they reacted pretty much the way he thought they would. So he's not only in a lot of physical pain, but he's going through some emotional hell also."

"Oh God, the poor boy. Are you okay? What happened with your mother?"

"I guess I'm all right. But my parents have never liked Billy and seem to think that this is a good excuse to cut me off from him. I told Mom that we would go to your place, but that seemed to really piss her off. She wants Billy to go with you, and me to come home."

"So what are we going to do?"

"Billy's bag is in Mom's car. And mine is at home. So when they are done fixing Billy here, we have to go over to my house no matter what. I hope they've given Billy something for pain. When we get to my place, it may take a little while, because my Mom really doesn't want me to be around him, and I'm not really good at confronting my parents, but I'm not leaving Billy tonight."

"Try not to worry so much. I'll watch over Billy and you just deal with your parents the best way you can."

Danny

I felt so bad, holding out on Lucy, but Billy asked me not to tell anyone what happened. I figured that he would tell her when he was ready. Plus, I wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but had a good idea. When they finally brought Billy back with his nose taped and his fingers splinted, Lucy was shocked by his appearance, but ready to help.

The doctor asked if we would be staying with him.

"I've explained what he has to do, but he's a little groggy from the pain medication so I'd like to go over it with you as well. Here's some medicine for the pain. One every six hours for a couple of days until he's feeling better. The sutures come out in ten days. He said you'd be back at school by then. The student health center should be able to take care of that. The bandage on his nose is mostly for protection. It can come off in a few days, but be very gentle with his nose for a while. His chest is taped for the cracked ribs. You should be able to take the tape off in two weeks, but he'll probably be sore for a while longer. I'd like you to bring him back in four weeks so I can x-ray his fingers and see if the splints can come off. Here's my card. Call for an appointment."

"Are you sure that's it, that he will be okay?"

"He should recover just fine. He twisted his left ankle a bit so that may be tender for a day or two, more of a strain than a sprain. Also, there's a bruise toward the back on his right side near his kidney. He may have some blood in his urine for a day or two. If it continues beyond 48 hours, bring him back here and we'll check it out."

Billy was a little dopey as we took him to the car.

"I owe you my life, Danny boy. I love you."

"I love you too, Billy, and I'm so glad you're going to be okay. And I'm so sorry for what happened."

"Nothing to be sorry about. You saved my life."

"Yeah, but it's all my fault. We'll talk later, baby. When you're feeling better."

Billy dozed off as soon as we got him into the car. They must be some pretty good painkillers. I directed Lucy to my house and apologized in advance for how long it might take for me to convince my parents to let me go with them. I transferred Billy's bag from Mom's car to Lucy's and went into the house.

As soon as I stepped inside the front door and saw my parents in the living room, I sensed that something was wrong, something way worse than what had happened to Billy. But I didn't want to face it. It was enough of a challenge just getting my bag and leaving with Lucy. I headed for the stairs up to my room.

"Hold up there, boy. Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm going over to Lucy's, Dad, since you and Mom don't want Billy here."

Mom spoke up.

"Billy's mother called a little while ago. She sounded like a wild woman, ranting and raving, throwing all kinds of Biblical quotes around, saying all kinds of crazy things. She said that you had seduced Billy into an unnatural sexual relationship, that you were an evil heathen boy and had ruined her son. And she said she had read a card you wrote to him that proved it."

I froze. All of my life, I've tried to please my parents, to win their acceptance, to win their love and not disappoint them. After all of the horrors of the day, I couldn't face this. But it was happening and I had no choice.

"I don't doubt there is something bad going on between you two. But I'm sure she has it all wrong. You are a sweet, kind, trusting innocent boy. And Billy has been bullying you, pushing you around since the day you met. He is the evil one. He has somehow gained influence over you. He's the one who has seduced you."

"I'm not sure if there are any criminal charges we can file against him, son, but we're going to make sure he doesn't force himself on you any more."

I was having trouble breathing, but knew I had to say something. They made it all sound so horrible and Billy so bad.

"Billy doesn't force himself on me. I love him and he loves me. You don't understand."

"We understand enough to know that he's got you brainwashed and under his control. Maybe it's because you're so shy and he's such a dominant force. Maybe you have this hero worship feeling toward him. So you let him use you. You want to be liked and accepted, so you put up with things you don't really want."

I knew that they knew me pretty well and that they had good intentions and also that they were trying to rationalize their way out of a situation they didn't want to face. I knew I had no choice but to come clean. I just didn't have it in me to go any other way. I took a deep breath and hit them right between the eyes.

"Mom, Dad, you've got to understand that I'm gay. I like guys. I always have, long before I met Billy. I always meant to keep it a secret, to stay alone. I know this isn't what you expected or wanted for me. It isn't what I wanted or expected either. But it's what I got. I thought it was all about lust and bad stuff. I didn't know it was possible for me to fall in love with another guy. And then I fell in love with Billy. And he fell in love with me. He doesn't bully me, or push me around, or intimidate me. He loves me."

"He has pulled the wool over your eyes and you don't even know what you're saying. And we're not going to allow this to go any further. We've decided that you are changing dorm rooms immediately. You are not to see or speak to him again. You will see a therapist at the student counseling office and come home every weekend. Once you've been away from him a while, you'll realize how he's taken advantage of your insecurity and sensitivity. And you'll be able to begin again with a normal life."

"Mom, you're the ones who don't understand. This is not a question of whether or not I'm gay and Billy's influence over that. I am gay. I have been attracted to guys for as long as I can remember. And I have never felt anything for any girl I've ever known. The issue we're talking about is if I'm going to be happy. You are presenting me with two options. I can be with Billy and be happier than I have ever been in my life. Or I can never see him again, and be miserable, but I will still be gay. I chose Billy and happiness. Don't you want me to be happy?"

I couldn't believe I was saying these things to my parents. I could barely breathe. I had never challenged them in all of my eighteen years, needing their approval so desperately.

"Of course we want you to be happy, but you are confused. Being with Billy won't make you happy in the long run. He's got you where he wants you and is using you, and when he tires of you, he'll toss you away. And then where will you be? Miserable, with a reputation you can't repair."

"Son, at the risk of sounding like a cliché, it comes down to this. You are living in our house. We are supporting you. So we get to make the rules. You know that we have always been reasonable and never ordered you about. But this is one time when we won't budge. Your whole life is at stake, and we have to lay down the law."

"Dad, you're right. This is your home. You get to make the rules, as long as I'm living here and dependent on you. So I guess this can't be my home anymore. I can't live by your rules, so I have to leave. I don't want to, but I have to."

I went upstairs and grabbed my bag, determined to get out before I lost it. I threw the few things I'd left out for the weekend into the bag, took one last look around the room I'd grown up in, and went downstairs.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Lucy and Billy are waiting for me. As far as where I'm going, that's no longer any of your business."

Lucy

Billy drifted in and out of consciousness as we sat in the car in front of Danny's house. Though Danny had warned me he might have a problem with his parents he was in there a lot longer than I expected. Finally, he came out the door and climbed in the back seat.

"Everything okay?'

"Nothing's okay. Billy's Mom called my Mom and now everyone knows everything. Looks like we're both on our own now."

"Mama shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry, baby boy."

"It's not your fault, Billy. We'll figure something out. How are you feeling?"

"Sore, aching, stupid."

"Sounds about right to me. Don't worry, I'll take care of you when we get to Lucy's."

"I love you, white boy."

Billy drifted off into dreamland again. I kept an eye on Danny in the rear view mirror. He just sat there, stoic, staring straight ahead. Once we got home, he burst into activity. He half lifted Billy out of the car, keeping him off his bad ankle. Danny helped Billy into the house and sat him on the couch in the living room, then went back to the car and brought in their bags. He fussed over Billy, making sure he was comfortable, then finally sat down next to him, holding his uninjured right hand in both his hands. Aunt Connie was appalled by Billy's injuries, but tried to not to make him feel self-conscious.

Billy looked at Danny and asked, "Are you okay?"

That surprised me, as I would have expected Danny to be asking Billy that question, after all the fussing. And then I looked at Danny. He began to tremble.

"N-n-no," he stuttered. And then he completely fell apart, crying like a baby.

Billy pulled him into as much of a hug as he could manage and kissed him on the forehead and then he began crying, too.

Aunt Connie and I got up and went into the kitchen, to give them some privacy.

"Those boys are breaking my heart," Aunt Connie said, tears beginning to run down her cheeks. "How could any parents do that to their kids?"

"I know. I feel the same way. We just have to be there for them, though, I think, they will be there for each other, instinctively, no matter what."

Billy

Danny laid his head on my shoulder and sobbed, while tears ran down my face. I haven't cried since I was a little boy, but I think today I have a good excuse. The unexpected coming out to my parents, their expected reaction, the revelation of the source of my nightmares, the physical pain from the damage inflicted by Pop, the hatred welling up inside me. And through it all, Danny was there, my savior, my hero. I can still see him flying across the room, knocking Pop into the air, putting him out of action. Then he got me to the hospital and took care of things every step of the way, even when they tried to push him out of the way.

And then for him to have to go through that with his parents, all because of Mama's fucking phone call. He's got to be devastated. As am I. We're both a mess. Our lives are a mess. But we'll get through this together; somehow, I just know we will.

"Hey, baby. Calm down. I know how much pain you're feeling and it isn't going to go away soon. But we've got to try to keep it together, to keep each other together. You're the toughest little son of a bitch I've ever known and I need you to help me. And I'll help you."

"Oh, Billy, it's all so fucked up. And it's all because of my card. If I hadn't written it, none of this would have happened."

"That card made me the happiest guy in the world when I read it, and I will always smile when I remember your words. It was beautiful and I don't ever want you to regret having put your feelings into words."

"But what are we gonna do now?"

"I don't know, but we'll figure it out, together."

Aunt Connie came hesitantly into the room, carrying a tray with a teapot and cups.

"I don't mean to intrude on you boys, but I thought a little tea might help. And Lucinda's in the kitchen making some sandwiches. You boys must be starving."

"To be honest, ma'am, I am kind of hungry. I haven't eaten all day."

"Me neither", sniffed Danny.

As she poured out the tea, she talked to us.

"I know you've just gone through what must be the worst day in your lives. And, though I don't know you well, I like you both, and Lucinda obviously loves you both. So I want you to know that you are welcome to spend the holiday recess here as my guests. I think you probably are going to need a lot of time alone together, so please take what time you need. Don't worry about leaving Lucinda and me out of your conversations."

"That's right", Lucy added as she walked in with a tray of sandwiches. "We're here, ready to listen, whenever you need to talk. But we also know you have to be together. We love you both."

"Aunt Connie and Lucy, thank you for your kindness. Billy and I each have a lot of emotional stuff we have to work through. God knows it may take a very long time. But we can only get through it one day at a time, and if you can help us, thank you so much. You're the best friends we could hope for."

"But please don't hold it against either one of us if we seem to hold back. I'm full of doubts and questions and I'm sure Danny is too, And maybe we're not ready to share them with anyone yet. Maybe, someday."

"Yeah, thank you so much. Today has been a horrible day. While our parents all found out about us today, Billy's parents and my parents are very different, Billy and I have lived different lives, and so, we are both dealing with different experiences that even the two of us may have trouble relating to. Thank you for opening up your home to us and accepting us, but also, thank you for leaving us alone when we need to be alone."

"I couldn't have put it any better, baby boy. We really need you, but we also need to be alone together sometimes too. This is gonna take a while."