Billy and Danny

Billy and Danny, Freshman Year, Chapter 11

This is a story of love between two young men. If you are under age, or live in an area where reading stories that include sex between males sex is illegal, or if you're not into this type of story, please leave. The story begins in 1969. While the characters and their story are completely fictional, it is set at places that are real and is told against a backdrop of some real events. This was a time when all sex was safe. It isn't now, so please respect yourself and others enough to always play safe. Comments are appreciated at NJRimzu@aol.com

Nov. 16

Danny

Everything has been focused on the march on Washington for weeks. The march was announced right after the Moratorium seemed to be all anyone talked about. I mean, we went to class, did our homework and papers and went through all of the usual student and fun stuff, but the idea of going to Washington to protest the war en masse was overwhelming. Maybe everyone wasn't against the war, but it sure seemed like it.

It was planned as a long weekend demonstration, but since the march itself was happening on Saturday, Billy, Lucy and I decided to take one of the chartered buses from campus early Saturday morning, returning late at night. I had been so turned on at the Moratorium and couldn't wait for the even larger gathering in Washington. I think protest is getting into my blood. Maybe I should major in Political Science.

The four-hour bus ride to Washington was pretty boring, in spite of a few vocal activists who tried to keep a pep rally going along the way. One was black and somewhat effeminate and tried to tie in the antiwar message with the civil rights movement, including the growing movements supporting rights for women and gay people. It was the first time I'd ever heard any speaker include gay people in a political agenda, though every time he mentioned it, he got some giggles and hisses from the bus riders. I assumed he was queer, as did most of the people around and few paid attention to him. I thought he sounded pretty radical, but respected the way he got up and said what he thought, regardless of the reaction.

Billy

I'd never been in Washington in my life. So my only memory of it was the news clips of Dr. King's famous speech in 1963. I know he was talking about black people and white people. About equality, about justice, about dignity. People didn't talk about homosexuals in those days, only six years ago. They don't talk much about us now, but I wonder what he would have thought about us. Black churches don't talk about us except in the same prejudiced way white churches do. I've heard people at Mama's church denounce Dr. King's association with Bayard Rustin, a long time civil rights leaders, one of Dr. King's confidants, questioning his morality. That black queer on the bus was a revelation to me. His effeminacy turned me off, but I had to admire his balls.

Being young and black, a march on Washington was incredibly exciting to me. The epitome of peaceful social action. But, being there for an anti-war march, not a civil rights march, kind of neutralized the feeling. I mean, it is a racial issue. It's a mostly black racist war. White kids get draft deferments far more than blacks. But being gay, knowing how my black community was against that, took away some of the enthusiasm. Real mixed feelings.

The march was an amazing experience. Our 'massive' march at the Moratorium in New Brunswick probably had 5,000 people. There must have been a half a million on Pennsylvania Ave, white, black, yellow, red, old, young, rich, poor. All coming together for one cause; marching, chanting, singing. I'd never imagined a group like this could ever get together for anything. At the rally afterward, there were so many speakers. Mostly white, about evenly divided between the ruling class, rich white politicians, and radical young students. And some good music, mostly folk music, which Danny has turned me on to. Near the end when Peter, Paul and Mary sang 'Day is Done', I looked over at Danny and he had tears streaming down his cheeks. I wanted to hold him in my arms and lick his tears away. But we were in public. Fortunately, Lucy put an arm around him and offered him a tissue, but it left me feeling so frustrated that I couldn't be the one comforting him.

After the rally, we had about an hour until the bus left to go back. We went to the Lincoln Memorial, at my insistence. I just stood there staring up at the seated Lincoln for long minutes. Then I turned around and looked out over the mall, realizing I was standing where Dr. King had stood six years ago. I thought of the 100 years between Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation and Dr. King's "I have a dream" speech. One hundred fucking years. Even knowing the history of that hundred years, I had to think, 'How can this be justified? How can justice take so long?'

Lucy

I'll have to admit I'm not a political animal. I'm an artist and a pacifist. But I've never been one very interested in political causes. I'm more an observer of life, trying to capture human emotions on film. I get off on emotional experiences; because of the pictures they give me. Not that I'm a cold, feelingless bitch. More like I have delayed reactions. When something exciting is happening, I remain cool, snapping away, recording it. And then, once the photos are developed, I absorb myself in the emotions I see in the still photos and let the feelings absorb into me.

Danny and Billy are pulling me out of that. Danny's innocence, awe and wonder of the world, clashing with Billy's cynicism, anger and sometime hatred of things, keep me off balance. They make me realize that life is happening now, that it is very real and people react to it in very different ways. Danny spent the day totally absorbed in every thing around us, taking in every person, every chant, every speech, every song. Billy seemed a little distant, a little detached, like he was seeing everything, but through eyes that were more like my camera's, recording it now for processing later.

But I'm a great observer, especially of my two boys. I'm not sure how conscious of it they were, but the massive march down Pennsylvania Avenue was loaded with heterosexual couples, holding hands, walking arm in arm, arms wrapped around each other. Couples hugging, couples making out. Maybe I only noticed this because I was a single woman in the crowd. But I was acutely aware of how Billy and Danny positioned themselves, so close, but not quite together. These two beautiful guys, head over heels in love, having to keep their distance, while straight couple who had met maybe only minutes before were able to display any type of intimacy in the middle of the street. I'll have to think of some way they can get around that.

Riding home on the bus, we were remarkably silent, aside from occasional casual, sort of banal, comments. Partly it was exhaustion from the long day; partly it was being emotionally overwhelmed by the experience. As we pulled into New Brunswick, I asked if we could all get together today for lunch at Patty's to go over what we'd experienced in Washington.

We ended up getting a pizza at Patty's and taking it up to the boy's dorm room to eat. Which worked out great because we didn't have to watch what we said the way we would have in the restaurant. We talked quite a bit about the march, but I changed the subject to them, and some things that I've been wondering about.

"Does it bother you guys that all those straight couples were hanging all over each other yesterday and you couldn't? I mean, would you want to act like that if you could?"

"Nothing makes me feel better than holding Billy's hand, or having him hold me in his arms. Nothing. But we're not allowed to do that in public. We just can't. And so that's that. It's just a fact of life we have to accept."

"Sometimes, when we're out at night in the dark when no one is around, we hold hands a bit or find a private place and make out a little. But we have to be careful. So it's not as enjoyable as when we are together here in the room. It's just not fair. Sometimes I ache to touch Danny, sometimes I really need him to hold me, but we can't. It really sucks."

"Have you ever thought about, what's the expression that's going around, coming out of the closet? Of just telling people the truth and being yourselves?"

"Are you nuts, girl? Do you know what it would be like if everyone knew? I mean, telling one or two close friends who keep our secret is one thing. But holding hands on College Avenue would be telling everyone, and some, if not most, would react very badly."

"Yeah, I don't think I could handle it, everybody knowing. I've always been sort of obsessed about what people think of me, so I don't think I could deal with all the negative stuff that would come from that."

"I don't give a shit what people think of me, but everyone knowing would cause all kinds of trouble. Harassment, fights, intimidation. Stuff I've dealt with before but don't want to have to keep dealing with. And stuff that I would never want to see Danny have to deal with."

"Plus, with so many kids I went to high school with being here, it would only be a matter of time before word got out back home and my parents found out. I think I'd die if that happened."

I hadn't realized how tough it was on the boys. Keeping their secret hurt them and took a toll on them, but letting it out would be even tougher. It's amazing they manage to keep their sanity and function so well with all they've got to think about and worry about going on inside them.

Billy

Lucy's questions brought up issues Danny and I hadn't even discussed with each other. We hadn't given any thought to telling anyone other than Lucy. Without even saying anything, I think we both knew we didn't want anyone else to know.

"I hate living a secret life, girl, but that's how it's gotta be. We haven't really talked about it, but I don't think either of us could handle anyone finding out."

"Billy's right, Lucy. From day one it's just been a given that this is a secret we have to keep to ourselves. That's why we both kinda flipped out when you showed our pictures to your professor. Though we hadn't said it outright, we just assumed you would know it was a secret and keep it for us."

"I realized it was, but didn't think showing the pictures was giving you away, though it might have been. But either way, it didn't matter to Professor Cameron. Isn't there someone you guys could talk to about this? Some way to make it easier?"

"You're the only one. Got any great ideas?"

"Not at the moment. But since we're talking about it, what do you really think your parents' reactions would be if they found out?"

"Shit! My father would probably kill me and never speak to me again. In that order. And Mama, she'd cry and pray, tell me I was going to hell and turn her back on me."

"You can't be serious. They're your parents. They love you. I'm sure they'd take it hard and it would be rough for a while, but they'd get over it."

"You don't know my parents. Danny's met them. I think he'd agree with me."

"Yeah, I think they'd take it really bad. It could be ugly. And it wouldn't just blow over after a while. My parents might act a bit quieter about it, but it would be just as bad with them. I've spent my whole life trying to win their approval. I don't think I could take the total loss of their respect. They'd never understand. They probably wouldn't turn their backs on me, but I'm sure my Mom would blame herself and Dad, and want me to try to change. And my Dad wouldn't understand at all. He'd probably go into denial and I might lose him. It would be kind of like a death in the family, leaving everyone distraught and apart, emotionally, if not physically."

"But how long do you think you can keep it from them? Sooner or later, you'll have to tell them."

"We haven't really discussed it much, but I just figured that Billy and I would continue to be roommates through college, then get an apartment together once we get jobs after graduation. After a while, they'll figure it out, but by then they'll be so used to us being together, maybe it won't matter."

"Well, then, I guess 'coming out' is not an option. So how about going out?"

"What are you talking about?" She brightened up so much all of a sudden I couldn't tell what was coming next.

"It just hit me. New York. The Village. There's supposed to be lots of gay people there. And no one knows you. And it's only 40 miles away. You guys could go into the city and be yourselves, get lost in the crowd. No one would know or care. And you could be free."

Danny

I was so depressed thinking about my parents finding out, I wasn't really paying attention when Lucy made her suggestion. It was Billy's enthusiastic response that stirred me from my thoughts.

"Hey, amiga, sometimes you come up with some great ideas! Now I know why we keep you around. What do you say, Danny?"

"Sorry, I was kind of lost in thought and missed something. What are we talking about?"

"Lucy suggested we go into the Village and hang out with the gay guys there. We could act however we like and no one would care."

"That sounds great. But do either of you know where the Village is? I've only been to the city on school trips and last month when we went to see Hair. Plus a trip my family took to the World's Fair, but that wasn't even in Manhattan."

"I've never been there, but I think it's downtown."

"For a couple of perverts, you guys are so innocent. I guess I'll have to be your tour guide. I've been to the Village several times and have seen some gay people on the streets, though I'm not sure exactly where the gay section is. But it's not a very big place so we should be able to find it."

"Cool. When can we go?" I was getting more excited about it by the minute.

"Why don't we make a day of it next Saturday? We could take the train in, wander around, have lunch. I could take pictures of you two acting queer."

"Damn. Like that'll be inconspicuous. A black boy and a white boy holding hands and a sexy Latin mama taking pictures."

"Billy, you don't know New York. No one will even notice."

Nov. 22

Lucy

We met at the train station at 11 this morning and rode into Penn Station. The boys were so eager to see their gay Mecca. I guess that maybe I'd over inflated their hopes. Okay, they see me as this slightly older, more experienced woman. And I'm pretending to be a bit worldlier than I am. I mean, I've been to the Village a half a dozen times. But I have no idea where to find gay people. The Village I've been in has been cool, hip, filled with young hippie types, but not gay. Though I know there are gay people in the Village, I don't know where. I tried to act like the old pro, leading them to the subway.

We got off at 14th St. and walked down 7th Ave. At the corner of Greenwich, I stopped and looked around. I'd given this a lot of thought, but still wasn't sure.

"What's the matter, girl, lost already?"

"No, Billy. It's just that usually, I go down Greenwich to Sixth Ave., go down a couple of blocks, turn left and there's the Village. It's a happening place, but it's not gay. So I've been trying to figure out where the gay section might be."

"I thought you knew. You sounded like you knew everything about the Village." Danny sounded really disappointed.

"I've been giving it a lot of thought this week. The part of the Village I'm familiar with is right in the middle, just south of Washington Square. It's where all of the famous clubs and bars are. Where the hippies hang out, and where the beatniks before them used to go. But as I said, it's not gay. Over toward the East River is the East Village, which I've been told more than once is a pretty dangerous area. So I don't think that would be the gay section either. I think that our best bet is over here, the West Village. I think we should stay on this side of town, go a little farther south and then just circle around, keeping our eyes open."

"In other words, we're lost. Lucy, we counted on you. We thought you knew what you were doing."

'Billy, I do have some idea where we are. Stop being a negative ass and start being an explorer. We are in the Village. You two can hold hands, kiss, make out, whatever you're brave enough to do and no one will challenge you. Even if we don't find other gay people."

Danny

Damn! I thought Lucy knew what she was doing. Although what she said made sense, I had been looking for a miracle. I wanted to step off the curb and go from one world into another, like Dorothy stepping out of her house into Oz. But I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and follow her. Even without gay people, this part of New York fascinated me. It really was a village, though so much more a city than I was used to. But compared to midtown, with the skyscrapers and traffic and blasting horns and sidewalk crowds, it was a village. Smaller buildings, narrow, crooked streets, little shops. It was charming, a real neighborhood.

We walked three or four blocks down and stopped for a light at Christopher St. I looked across Seventh Ave. and 'Bingo'. There were two guys on the other corner holding hands.

"Lucy, Billy, look! Across the street. Gay guys."

"Hey, white boy. If you want to see gay guys, look straight ahead in that little park. Look at those two on the bench, more eating each other alive than making out."

"Well, boys, I think we've found it."

We just stood on the corner and watched all around us for a while, taking in all of the people passing, some gay couples, some singles.

"Tell you what, guys. I want to get some good pictures of the two of you, but more or less candid. Now that we're here, why don't you two go off on your own, behaving however you would like. I'll put a zoom lens on the camera and tag along, taking your pics when you don't know I am. It'll give you a chance to be alone together in an intimate, but public setting, and give me a chance to take some great shots."

"Okay, but not for too long. It's past lunchtime and I'm hungry."

"A half hour, Danny, then lunch, then some more pictures."

So we wandered around, sometimes holding hands, sometimes with Billy's arm around me. It felt so good, being able to exchange the affection we felt for each other outside of our little dorm room.

We came to a tiny place on Christopher St. specializing in omelets and burgers and looked around for Lucy. She was across the street a little ahead of us. We waved her over and went inside for lunch.

"Having fun, boys?"

"Oh, it's great! I love being able to be so open."

"Yeah, I hadn't realized it before, but keeping our relationship a secret, hiding it behind closed doors, kind of makes me feel like there's something wrong with us. As much as I love Danny, and as happy as I am with him, secrecy breeds guilt. But this is fantastic. I think we may be spending lots of time here."

"You're right about the guilt thing. I guess it's been just under the surface, something I hadn't quite noticed, but felt nagging at me a bit. But this openness brings a much healthier feel to everything. I love it. And I love Billy. And I love you Lucy for bringing us here."

"Well, that's a lot of love on the table. I'm glad I was able to bring you boys here and that it means so much to you. It feels good seeing you both so happy."

"Did you guys notice that guy on the corner back there with the earring? He just had one, in his left ear. A diamond, or something like it."

"Yeah, I saw him. What about it, Danny boy?"

"Nothing, I just thought it looked cool. I never saw a guy with an earring before. I liked the look."

"I didn't see him, but I'm not sure I'd like it. You guys have got to leave us girls something of our own."

"Well, I kind of liked it, too. It's like he was making a statement. Hey, next weekend is Thanksgiving, four days off. Let's make some plans to get together and do something. I don't think I can take four days at home with Pop and Mama. And I know I can't take four days away from Danny."

"Same here. I guess we've all got family stuff on Thursday. Do you think your parents would let you come up to Livingston on Friday and spend the weekend with me? And we could get together with you, Lucy, either in Livingston or Morristown. Or maybe even come back here for a day."

"I'm sure my parents would grumble a bit, you know, that I've been away all semester and then run off the minute I get home. Plus they're not too crazy about you Danny, as you know. But it's not like we do anything together as a family when I'm home, so they probably won't put up too much of a fuss. As long as I'm there for the big family dinner on Thursday."

"I can show you guys around Morristown. I'll ask Aunt Connie if you can come to dinner on Saturday. There a good coffeehouse in town that has entertainment on weekends we can go to."

"Why don't you both come over to my house on Friday. We can play pool, listen to records, just hang out."

"Sounds good. A full schedule and not too expensive. And we all get to spend a lot of time together."

"Okay, guys, lunch break is over. Back to flaunting your relationship in public with me recording it on film."

Billy

At the corner of Christopher and Hudson, while waiting for the light to change, Danny suddenly turned, hugged me tightly and gave me a big kiss.

"What was that for?"

"I just love you so much and it feels so good to be able to show you. I want to love you like this forever."

"Same here, baby. This is the best, the way life should be. Sometimes I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have found you. I mean, what were the odds? And don't think I'm ever letting you go."

"I hope not, because I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me."

"Thank God, 'cause you're stuck with me, too. You know, I was thinking that, with Christmas not that far off, maybe we could pool our meager resources and get some kind of gift for each other that would symbolize our relationship."

"I'd like that. Did you have anything in mind?"

"Some kind of jewelry would be nice, but something simple 'cause we don't have much money. Maybe matching rings or gold chains."

"I think chains would be better. Matching rings would raise too many eyebrows. How much do you think we can afford to spend? I know my Mom and Dad will let me have some of my money for Christmas shopping, but I have to get them and my sister gifts with that."

"I can't count on anything from my parents and I have to buy them stuff, too, plus my sister and brother-in-law and nephew. Good thing I've been setting aside a little from my modeling. We'll have to keep the price down, but I don't want anything that looks cheap. It's our first Christmas and I want it to be special."

"There was a jewelry store a few blocks back. Why don't we go take a look and get some ideas?"

"Good idea, white boy."

"I get one now and then."

We turned around and just about ran into Lucy who was coming up behind us.

"What's up, guys? Looked like you were having quite a conversation."

"Not much, really. We were talking about getting a Christmas present for each other and decided to do a little window shopping."

"Shopping? Now that's something I can really get into."

"Sorry, Luce. You can't come into the store with us. Danny and I want to do this alone. Since we aren't going to surprise each other with our gift, we would like to at least be able to surprise you. Besides, we may even look for something for you, too."

"Ooh! I like getting gifts even more than shopping. I'll be glad to wait outside while you pick out something wonderful for me."

We reached the store Danny had seen and went in; while Lucy went on to take pictures of 'local color', as she put it. As soon as we walked in the salesman approached us, but we told him we were just looking. He moved off and left us alone, but kept an eye on us. We looked at chains and bracelets. The men's gold bracelets were all pretty heavy, and so pretty expensive, plus they weren't very interesting. The chains came in all lengths and thicknesses, and so in all prices, but were boring.

Danny suddenly tugged on my sleeve and whispered, "Look at that sign."

I looked where he was pointing. 'Free ear piercing with purchase of earrings."

"No way, white boy. I mean, I liked the look, but you were talking about rings raising eyebrows. Matching earrings would scream 'Faggots'."

"Maybe not. On campus, we could just say they were the latest thing in New York, that everyone in the Village was wearing them. No one would know any different. And the few times we go home, we just wouldn't wear them."

I hesitated. He had me. I did really like the look. And they would be something so special, which is what we wanted.

"Okay, let's take a look. I'm not saying we're doing this, but we can look."

As we moved over to the glass counter with the earrings, the salesman came over. He was middle-aged and a bit feminine.

"Make up your minds, boys?"

I decided to be bold. "Not yet, but I have a question about that sign. If we buy a pair of earrings, do both ears have to be on the same head?"

He broke into a broad smile.

"No. Two earrings, two ears. No other rules apply."

'Okay, we'll let you know."

Danny had been searching the cabinet while I was talking. He pointed out a pair as soon as I looked over. They were absolutely beautiful. Large, but not huge clear stones that seemed to glow from all the light they were reflecting. I glanced around the case at the others. Danny's pick was far and away the best.

"Excuse me, could we see these, please?"

The salesman took them out. "Good choice. These are a half carat each, and just about the most flawless diamonds I've seen."

"They are really beautiful. How much are they?"

He took the tag out of the bottom of the box. "$450.00."

"Oh, shit-sorry. I don't think we can afford that."

"Too bad. They're really special. What price range were you looking in?"

"I'm not sure. Give us a minute."

We moved away from the counter.

"Okay, Dan. Let's do some math. I've got $100.00 or so in the bank. If I really cut back, I might be able to squeeze my other Christmas presents out of what I make modeling between now and then, not counting something for Lucy. So let's say I've got a little under a hundred for us. Where are you?"

"I've got $60.00 in the bank. And what my Mom let's me have from my savings will only cover gifts for them, with maybe a little left over. So, I might be able to come up with $75.00."

"So that leaves us with maybe $160.00 and a cheap gift for Lucy. Shit. Tell you what, I'm gonna take that offer from Professor Cameron to model at Douglass. Seven classes at $10.00. That gives us $230.00."

Danny just stared at the wall for a minute.

"Tell me it's not so terrible," he whispered in a shaky voice.

"What?"

"Modeling."

"You mean you think you might do it, too?"

"I mean I really want those earrings. They just jumped out at me and I think they did to you too. They seem just the right thing for our first Christmas. If we don't get them, I think I'll always wish we had. I managed to model for Lucy. Maybe I can do it a few times for a class. And maybe we can pinch pennies the rest of the semester and save a little more."

Wow! I know Danny. I know how hard this will be for him. But this was obviously important to him. To tell the truth, it was to me, too. Time for negotiation. I called the salesman over.

"We really want those earrings, but we can't come up with the price. We know what we can afford now and have figured out a way to come up with some more money by Christmas. But we still can't come close to what you're asking. Can you do something for us? Can you give us some kind of break?"

"I could see you were in serious conversation. Obviously, you want them. And you are such an adorable couple. There is no one I'd rather see wearing them than you. So while you were talking, I did a little checking myself. I can let you have them for $260.00, which is just a hair above cost. I'd rather have someone like you get them and make no money than make a profit and sell them to someone who doesn't really care."

"You're fantastic! Can we give you a down payment now, have you set them aside and come back with the rest of the money just before Christmas?"

"Well, we don't usually do Lay-Away, but I'll make an exception. Give me 10% and your names and address and I'll hold them for you."

We managed to come up with $26.00, leaving us with $2.00. Good thing we had round-trip train tickets.

"Okay, white boy, now that we've settled on our present, what about Lucy?"

"Well, we'll really have to wait and see how much money we have, but I think we should give her something nice. After all, she is our best friend. Maybe a locket. We could put our pictures inside."

"How about close-ups of our dicks?"

"Oh, you're always so romantic, black boy. That's why I love you so."

We looked at some lockets and got some ideas and some prices, then went out to rejoin Lucy.

"So, did you boys find what you were looking for?"

"Absolutely. But we're way out of our price range, so we need a favor from you."

"I can't believe you're going to hit me up for a loan so you can buy me a present."

"No, Luce, nothing like that. It's just that we need to get some more money so we've decided to take Professor Cameron up on her offer."

"You mean both of you? Danny? Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you can? You did pretty well with me, but it was just the three of us and even so you were more than a bit uncomfortable at first."

"Well, it's not like I want to do it. I don't get off waving my wang around in front of strangers like black boy here. But for what we want, we need to make some money and it's not fair for Billy to do all the work. We should make equal contributions. Besides Billy's going to give me some survival tips."

"So can you talk to the prof and see if we can get together and work out a schedule? That's the favor I was talking about before."

"No problem. I'll talk to her tomorrow. I'm not surprised by your decision, Billy, but I am by you, Danny. You've got guts."

"Hey, I haven't done it yet. Save the praise for after."