I have a theory that every once in a while, a part of our lives restarts. Not every aspect of it, as obviously we don't regress to infanthood, but certainly our life is made up of and moves through cycles. It might be friendships, relationships, work, health, happiness, identity, and more, and any combination of those too.
Change can be cathartic when it forces us to stop and evaluate our progress in life, especially when we control the change or at least have influence in the process and outcome. However, when change is out of our control, you can start to feel helpless, particularly when change is seemingly not for the better. It is incredibly difficult to come to grips with where life takes us, how we got there, and to what extent we and the universe have shaped the outcome when we fall out of control.
I'm writing this as I find myself in that latter period, where I'm struggling to overcome the insurmountable obstacles I feel I have put in my way. I've lost my desire for work, the repetition and mundane tasks and personalities draining the enthusiasm I knew I once had. My friends have excelled and moved on and away with the drive and determination that always seemed within me. What little family I have has distanced themselves from me, their conservative persuasions antithetical to my 'lifestyle'. My housemate, who I've lived with for years and shared so many great memories, is moving in with her long-term boyfriend. I guess I can be thankful for my health right'
I've never had a boyfriend, too shy to even tell those beyond my closest friends and family that I'm gay. Not many people seem to suspect, either. Physically, I'm short, really short, but fit, reasonably good looking and try to make sure to look my best most days. Although I'm an even 5', after years of playing tennis, running, swimming, bike riding and hitting up the gym, I'm happy with how I look. I keep my dark brown hair cut short and my beard trimmed. My eyes, like mood stones, change from green to brown and back again throughout the day. When coaxed, I have a great smile of straight white teeth.
I've always had an interest in the world around me, from the smallest of creatures to global politics. I love to learn, and find the most interesting people are those with a passion they can share with me, to teach me whilst infecting me with their excitement. There's something sexy about someone getting caught up in their own world and bringing you along for the ride. It doesn't hurt when they're attractive too.
Fortunately, I live in a brilliant city that presents lots of opportunities to meet new people and plenty of options for entertainment. Sydney is known the world over for its sunshine, beaches, harbour, nightlife (although that's been severely compromised of late, don't get me started!), food and melting pot of cultures. Put them altogether and, so long as you put yourself in the equation, you can really live a great life.
Anyway, I hope that gives you a little feel for who I am and where I'm at in my life.
One thing I forgot to mention about my theory, is that when a part of our life restarts, it brings with it unexpected offerings and opportunities. Sometimes these opportunities and the way in which they arise come in the most unexpected of forms. For me, that moment arrived while sitting in a park at lunch time, eating my lunch and engrossed in an old favourite novel. I'd made a habit of getting out of the office at lunch time to clear my head, get away from the unending office politics, away from the incessant telephones, from the emails, the fluorescent lights, the endless rows of desks and computers. It provided a rare opportunity to sit back, people watch and regenerate my body with some fresh air, sun and earth.
I'd fallen so far into the world of this book that I had failed to hear the growing and collective warnings of a soccer ball hurtling towards me. It was only when I opened my eyes, and felt a throbbing, stinging sensation above my eye, with a throng of people surrounding me, that I knew what had happened. Through the haze of my reawakening, a face hovered over me, peering into my eyes transitioning from a look of concern, to relief and to reassuring.
'Ahh, he's alright guys, he's come too. Can you hear me mate? How many fingers am I holding up?'
I counted four, large and rough fingers just above my face, connected to a strong calloused hand.
'Urghh, four, I think' I managed to say, whilst I brought my hand up to my eyes to shade the glare and feel the rising bump on my forehead. 'What happened?'
At that moment, he pulled his hand away allowing me an unfiltered view of his face. He smiled down at me, his shaggy brown hair framing a gorgeous smile. Piercing blue eyes, smooth olive skin, a five o'clock shadow and an inviting mouth. His face was youthful, yet masculine and confident. It was difficult to determine his age: he seemed so confident, sure and convincing yet cute and charming.
My eyes travelled down his muscled neck, his developed traps and broad shoulders giving way to strong arms and a solid chest pressing firmly against the tight, sweaty white short-sleeve shirt. His forearms were equally defined with dark hair upholding those strong meaty hands. As I pulled myself up, my eyes feasted on his defined thighs and rounded calf muscles, his legs exuding power. As I went to stand up, his powerful hands gripped me under my arm pits and hoisted me up.
I've always been a short guy, but this man made me feel like a bug, standing I estimated in my stupor at at least 6'10. The combination of the rush to stand up, the pain in my head, and the overwhelming attractiveness of this man sent the blood rushing from my head and, with the helpful assistance of gravity, I fell forward, stumbling into his outstretched arms.
He barely recoiled as I slumped onto him, unable to control my legs and maintain my balance. In the split second I was held on his body, I was engulfed in his sweet perspiration and pheromones. I'd read so many times that human pheromones don't exist, but the smell this man exuded went straight to my brain and flicked a switch I had no idea existed. I managed to straighten myself up, looking up at this beast and thanking him for his help.
'No worries mate, you still look a little white though. That ball was really flying when it sconed you, wasn't it' I've got a pretty big boot you see and can really punch it hard'. I'd never felt so overwhelmed before in my life and was struggling to find the right words to say.
'Thanks, it's no worries. I'm sure I'll be fine.'
'We've got an icepack over at the worksite, we'll bring you over, get you some water and make sure you're ok.'
I started to regain my composure and was about to resist his offerings when he put one of his hands on my shoulder and pulled me into him, my head nestled below his armput. His strong scent was invading my nostrils again, while my business shirt was surely absorbing it too, his hyper-masculinity dominating everything around him. He called back to his teammates 'Guys I'm just gonna take shorty over to the shed to get him fixed up, be back in a bit'.
His teammates went back to their game while we walked across the park towards a large construction site. We walked up towards the site office, opened the door and stepped in. This guy was so large he had to stoop down while inside, and was gingerly walking between boxes, protective wear, tables and chairs, making his way towards a kitchenette with a small bar fridge/freezer. He pulled out a green ice pack, wrapped a few pieces of paper towel around it and handed it to me.
'Here, put this on your head and take a seat. I'll get us both some water. It's hot outside, ain't it' Not looking forward to being back out there working the rest of the afternoon.'
I couldn't help myself, and stared at his broad back, the definition visible through the sweat soaked t-shirt. My eyes travelled down, following the tapering from his shoulders to his waist before landing on his round, firm ass. He had a pair of black footy shorts on that seemed at near breaking point from the muscles straining against the fabric. Again his hairy legs, the large muscles taught against the olive skin, a sheen of perspiration mixed with a little bit of dust and grass, took over me. His calf muscles were large and bulging, a tattoo covering his left calf muscle. Finally, taking him all in, my eyes settled on his large black Nike Airs and white ankle socks. I had never seen feet so big in my life, I couldn't even begin to imagine what size they were, let alone how he was able to find a pair of Nikes that big.
As he turned around, I quickly looked up so as not to be caught checking him out. He brought the waters over to the table, the glasses so small and fragile in his large hands. He sat down, threw his head back and downed the water in three large gulps.
'Ahh, that's better. Fuck it feels good to cool down in here. Hey, put that icepack on your eye or it'll keep swelling up'.
I did as he said, and then took a sip of the water. It was chilled and I could feel my face cooling down with the icepack over it.
'I really appreciate you bringing me back here, you didn't have to do that.'
'Haha man, I thumped you with that rogue shot and knocked you cold. It's the least I could do. As I said, it gets me back inside into the cool cabin, a chance to chill out before the last few hours of work. I'm Benji by the way, whats your name?'
'I'm Joe'. I took another sip. 'So, what are you guys building here''
'Just another apartment building for the rich and famous. You know, cause that's exactly what Sydney needs right' Haha. Wish I could afford to live right in the City, it would be sweet! I'll just settle for flat sharing out west though. What do you do''
'I'm in finance, HSBC just down the road.'
'Oh nice, then you must be one of the guys buying into this building right? Haha'
I smiled. 'I wish, but I'm not that high up in the business. I've got my apartment not too far though which is perfect for me. Pretty easy walk or ride into the city for work and always plenty to do'.
Benji tipped his chair back and placed his feet up on the table, crossing them at the ankles. I stared at the large worn soles before me, his huge frame and strength intimidating me, but at the same time his warm smile easing me. I'd never thought it possible for one person to have such an effect.
'That'd be sweet, I've always wanted to live downtown. Stay out all night in the city and stumble home, not have to worry about expensive taxi rides, falling asleep and waking up not knowing where the fuck I am. Plus on these hot days I'd love to just walk home in 10 minutes and get out of these sweaty clothes, plonk myself down on the couch, put my feet up and chill with a cold beer watching the footy.'
I couldn't help but picture this hunk of a man doing exactly that in my apartment. Me bringing him a beer and lying my head down on his strong thighs, his big hand stroking the top of my head. Man I'd never fallen this hard so fast for someone! Then again it wasn't every day you came across someone quite like him.
We chatted for another 20 minutes or so, laughing about the ridiculous height and size difference between us. I learned that he weighed 140kgs compared to my 50kgs; his feet were a size 16 compared to my size 6. He also brought out my smile and I cracked a few jokes making him laugh, him doing the same to me. It was funny to think that we didn't have a lot in common, he was a huge footy fan while I preferred tennis. He told me he could convince me to love footy just as much as him if I gave him a chance. I thought he could convince me of anything at that stage.
Just then all his colleagues filed into the shed. All these burly builders quickly filled up the shed, the heat and sweat rising, not to mention the noise and movement.
'You still here short stuff? Benji let the poor guy go, stop talking his arm off. Seriously mate, Benji won't shut up get out while you can'.
'Fuck off Smitty, Joe and I were just getting to know each other, right? You're actually all right for a short corporate bloke. I owe you more than a water for the hit to the head, why don't we catch up after work and I'll buy you a beer?'
'Sounds good Benji, I'm up for that. Meet you at the pub around the corner at 5?'
'Done, see you then mate. Don't try to do too much math today you'll hurt your head even more!'
I laughed and left the shed, not believing my luck at getting to spend the afternoon with this hunk! While part of me thought he'd probably forget or just be pulling my leg, I still felt buoyant the whole afternoon waiting for my next encounter with Benji.
True to his word, at 5pm Benji was sitting at the bar with two beers waiting for me. He had changed out of his white t-shirt and into a grey polo, his arms, chest and neck pushing at the seams. He still had on his black footy shorts but had swapped his Nikes for construction boots. He was a hulk sitting on the bar stool and hunched over watching a replay of a footy game on the tv, his eyes glued to the game. I snuck up behind him, tapped him on the shoulder and ducked away, too quick for his first glance. He swivelled around and laughed, pulling my into a headlock and roughing up my hair.
His sweat was strong but surprisingly not rank. It forcefully invaded my senses and nearly took control of my brain. I tried to pull myself out from under him but he was too strong, even though he probably wasn't putting in any effort.
'You give ay smart ass? Not quick enough for me short stuff haha'
'Ok I give I give!' I yelled muffled in his beefy arms and chest. Finally he released me, I took a dramatic deep breath and sat on the stool beside him. Benji laughed and roughed my hair again. He downed the two beers in front of him and ordered three more.
'Thirsty?' I said, shocked he was having two beers to my every one.
'Haha yeah mate, when you're out in the sun all day every day you sure develop a thirst. Plus its Friday and I don't have to work tomorrow, so I don't mind having a few more than normal. I assume you'll only drink half as much as me anyway, you're half my height and even less than my weight haha'.
I laughed along with Benji, fully appreciative of his far greater capacity for thirst than mine. We sat and kept up a good pace of drinking, alternating who bought the drinks. Pretty soon I started feeling the effects of the alcohol and had to slow down. I ordered myself some fries and asked if Benji wanted a snack.
'What's on the menu then? Hmmm...I might start with a large steak and vegies, some nachos and wedges.'
I burst out laughing. 'You're going to eat all that, as a snack!?'
'Haha sure Joe, just like my thirst I've got a big appetite too. I've been hauling bricks, tiles and cement all day and I'm starving. I could eat a horse. Ok maybe not a horse'but I could probably eat a runt like you hahaha'. Benji dramatically grabbed me around the shoulders, picked me up off the stool and pretended to lift me to his mouth. He started laughing and put me back down, roughing my hair again. I laughed and pushed his hand away, calling the bar tender over and ordering the food for us. I handed my card over and paid for the food plus the next round of drinks.
'Woah man, you shouldn't have paid for my food like that! That's a lot of money. Don't feel that you have to pay for my food to save yourself, I was only joking about eating you haha'.
'Haha I know, but you've been great to me today, what happened was an accident but you've really gone out of your way to make amends. I appreciate it a lot.'
'Ahh its all good, its been good getting to know you actually. I don't think I've got many short friends, and you're really really short! But I guess it goes to show that you'll find friends in all shapes and sizes right?' He picked up his beer glass, tapped mine and then downed the beer he had left.
We stayed for a few more hours, Benji telling me all the rules of the game, getting more and more animated as the game went on and the decisions against his team. I tried to remind him that it was last week's game and he already knew the score, but he kept telling me that even though he knew the outcome he was still going to get angry with the referee. The amount of alcohol we both consumed didn't help either. The food didn't seem to sober either of us up, especially not for me. Benji tore through all his food and, with one great big handful, picked up my chips and shoved them dramatically into his mouth, laughing at my shocked expression.
'What are you doing!? I can't believe you ate all that food and then still ate mine haha. You're a bloody garbage disposal aren't you?'
With that, Benji burped loudly in my face and burst out laughing, wrapping his arm again around my head and forcing my face into his sweaty armpit. The combination of the alcohol and his scent made my dizzy with lust. I absentmindedly stuck out my tongue and tasted his sweaty shirt. I moaned slightly, then heard Benji say:
'You had enough in there haha'' before releasing me. I stumbled back and fell off the stool onto the ground. Benji jumped down quickly and picked me up. Before I knew what was happening, security was escorting Benji and I out the door, Benji giggling whilst holding me in his arms. Benji walked a few steps then set me down on ground, stooping down and holding me up by holding both my arms to me side.
'Joe, you alright? Can't believe I knocked you out again, this time with my armpit stink haha. I've sure gotta be careful around you little guy. You can't drink much, eat much and can't even withstand my sweat haha. Probably best I get you home, where do you live''
I looked into Benji's eyes, groggy and dizzy, struggling to keep my head straight. I fumbled out my address and told Benji to put me in a cab. Instead, he threw me up onto his back and began the relatively short walk out of the city and towards my apartment. With his long, quick and powerful strides we seemed to get there in no time at all, however that may just have been how drunk I was.
Benji put me down in front of the door and I slowly pulled my keys out of my pocket trying to get the right one in the door. I felt Benji standing behind me, close, holding me steady, his heavy hands on my shoulders. Finally the door opened, and Benji walked me into my apartment.
'Woah, nice place man. Especially like the high ceilings'. I lived in a warehouse conversion, with high ceilings and an open plan making the place feel really spacious. For someone as short as I am, I had an ironic collection of large furniture: a large wooden eight seater dining table, a large and plush four seater couch with a large chaise, and, as Benji pointed out:
'Fuck man, your TV is bigger than you haha!' He kicked off his work boots and dropped his sports bag near the door, jumping over the back of the couch and landing in front of it, before slowly falling back onto the chaise and kicking his feet up. 'I nearly fit on this too. Why would you need such a big couch shorty, you'd get lost on this thing' Haha'. He turned the TV on and flicked to a rerun of 24, a large explosion filling the screen. 'This is sick, surround sound and everything. Dude you're loaded ay!' I want to kick it here every weekend for the footy haha'.
I poured us both a glass of water, drinking mine at the sink. My eyes fell to those large, worn work boots over at the door and could feel my cock stirring in my shorts. I'd never been into tradies specifically, and especially not sweat or feet. But Benji's smell and his huge form put me in awe, seemingly overpowering me. I sat down next to him and handed Benji his water, his eyes glued once again to the TV. My head bobbled back against the couch cushion, my eyes one last time cascading over his beautiful body, from his handsome face down his large muscular body and legs, to his socked feet dangling over the edge of the couch.
I asked: 'Benji how old are you?'
'24, what about you''
'28'
'Cool.'
I then fell into a deep sleep looking up at this hunk of a man I had just met, that while I didn't know at the time, would change my life forever.