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Beyond the magnitude of guilt
Several emails asked me about David (The Magnitude of Guilt) and what happened to him. I want to pick up the story where he must make a difficult choice. For the readers that don't know a yeshiva is a Jewish school or college where students study religious texts. They have existed in various forms for thousands of years and are important to Judaism. Yeshiva students study the Talmud and the Torah, as well as other religious books, and often take additional nonreligious classes. Yeshiva comes from the Hebrew yesibah, "academy," or literally "a sitting."
I am David. Not my real name of course. I have been struggling with masturbation since I was ten. Not that kind of struggle! I know how to do it, and I'm good at it. This struggle comes from my family's deeply religious orthodox beliefs, my problem is that I can't understand why something that feels so good and natural can be so wrong.
Many years ago, my dad asked the rabbi he was close with whether he had discussed wet dreams with his son when he experienced puberty. He said, "Not yet." When he asked again a few years later, after his son had physically matured, he said, "No, it just never came up."
Giving a boy zero information about why his sheets are sometimes sticky is a recipe for confusion, shame, and guilt. How can it be right to keep truths about human biology a secret from young boys just because we feel uncomfortable? My dad said that maintaining secrecy must lead boys to think that these challenges only affect a few people, but that wasn't true. The solution my dad gave me was to overcome the urges through willpower.
I never told my father that I lack the willpower that he thought I had. I masturbate in the shower every night and feel guilty afterward. I have searched the web for years looking for answers and I took heart from one Quora answer about masturbation in Yeshivas:
"In my yeshivah, they'd say if you don't wear flip-flops in the shower you might get pregnant."
Another person answered: "I remember it being hard to find a bathroom around 7 pm in my yeshiva dorm."
I sometimes wonder if this is true. I also wonder what percentage of boys spend the entire time thinking that they are the only ones. My mind drifted off to the many yeshivas in Jerusalem with their students sitting for hours diligently studying and reflecting. The yeshiva is a rare survivor in the twenty-first century and cannot easily be taken for granted. For all its shortcomings and insularity, the traditions, and beliefs it nurtures do give hope.
It was sometime after my bar mitzvah when I attended a question-and-answer session where a rabbi was asked how and when, if at all, a Jewish father should talk to his sons about wet dreams and masturbation.
Before he could even answer a person interrupted him: "There are children here!" The youngest boy in the room was two months shy of his bar mitzvah and I couldn't think of no one else who needed this information more urgently than a 12-year-old boy. Then, in rabbinical style, the rabbi said he didn't know and would probably ask his rabbi when his children grew older.
The typical answer I have received over the years has been something like this: "The fact that you are asking this question shows that you have a deep religious feeling. The beginning of teshuvah is a feeling that what I have done is wrong.
To do better you must look and see what it is that made you sin and try not to put yourself in the same situation again. For example, if you live alone maybe find a good male roommate. "Now that I am older, I have had more world experience through my forbidden smartphone, I found out that Catholics have the same taboos around masturbation and that Catholic boys live with the same guilt that we do. Hindu and Muslim boys also live in guilt, but when Muslim boys succumb to their needs it is seen as a lesser evil and they seek forgiveness.
So how do I manage? I hate feeling so damn guilty and fearful every time I do it. The way I always rationalise is that it isn't directly addressed in the Torah despite being such a "horrible sin"? Why the heck would we be designed to do it so easily? I am not married and therefore how am I wasting seed if there is no wife around to potentially impregnate? Plus, our bodies regenerate sperm our whole life. It makes no sense that it would hold such value worthy of being equated to murder. Also, sperm does not contain souls, only DNA. My understanding is when a baby is formed from the womb, the soul is then planted by G-d.
I put my flip-flops on and got into the shower. The warm jet of water felt good on my back, I closed my eyes turned my head up, and washed my face. I massaged the shower gel across my shoulders and onto my chest. I washed my arse and cleaned out my hole using the gel. I lifted my legs and washed my thighs and my calves.
My dick grew harder as I massaged my body and I washed under my balls. I washed my shaft and was careful not to soap into my piss slit. My dick was upright, parallel to my stomach when I started to wank. I felt an incredible sensation building up and my body trembled, and I held onto the wall for a moment as ropes of cum splashed onto the shower glass. I was breathing faster, and I felt my heart beating in my ears. An incredible sensation.
But I then experienced "la petite mort" (the little death), that feeling of post-orgasmic guilt as my religious ideas swirled in my head reinforcing the feelings of guilt. I turned off the shower, dried myself off, wrapped the damp towel around me, and went to my room. I dropped the towel and stood and looked at my body in the mirror for a second and wondered what would become of me. I used some tissue to dry off some remaining drops of cum on my dick before I put my undies on.
Life in a Yeshiva is very different from life in a secular college. And this is very deliberate on the part of those who operate the Yeshiva. It is intense, focused, and separated from the world. It is its world, and like all worlds, it is both complex and flawed.
I face a new dilemma now. I am in love with Avrum my roommate. We have been sharing for a year and I am totally mad about him, and I don't think he knows it. I scrutinise his body, I memorise his mannerisms and his voice is imprinted in my brain. I often observe him when he is asleep and wish I can run my hands over his chest. One summer morning he was on the covers and I was treated to the sight of his erection peering out of his pyjama pants. I am obsessed with this young man from Hebron.
I know that same-sex relationships are categorically forbidden by the Torah. And I know that this is the current view of Orthodox Judaism, even though have read that there are some support groups for gay Orthodox Jews.
My dream life was not at all Orthodox and I dreamt about stories I had read about Jewish men and experiences I had as a child ...You can't censor the subconscious...
"Our first Scout camp away was near Mount Carmel and was on a Saturday night. Mount Carmel is situated between the Mediterranean Sea and the Jezreel Valley. The Carmel Forest is very beautiful, and there are historic Churches and monasteries nearby.
My family never spoke about sex let alone masturbation. I was aware of the prohibition against masturbation and the well-known halachic teaching against the "wasting of seed" through my orthodox relatives.
But don't let me get sidetracked. The campsite was under trees, and Samuel and I pitched our tent on the edge of the camp, not too far from the ablution block. It was exciting, and we got to choose our tent partners. We erected our tent in no time and were able to help the others who were struggling, we also helped get the campfire started.
The camp leaders had arranged logs to sit on around the fire and the senior scouts were preparing the meat for barbeque. Akiva had taken out his guitar and played some folk songs. The sunset was atmospheric, and the firelight reflected off the foliage of the trees.
After supper, we showered and were allowed to go to our tents. Sam and I had a stash of sweets and other snacks. We were wearing our sleep shorts and T-shirts, and we decided to zip our sleeping bags together. It was hot in the tent and Sam suggested taking off our T-shirts.
Samuel told me that he had a treat, he took out two miniature bottles of whisky. I had never drunk alcohol before and opened the screw top and took a gulp. It was very strong and took my breath away. It didn't taste good, but I was determined to drink the entire bottle. Sam giggled and gulped down and said that it made his stomach feel warm. I followed his example, and my head began to feel a little light.
We settled into our sleeping bags and Sam continued talking in whispers. He asked me if wanked. I lied and said no. He told me that it was something I simply had to do as it was fantastic. He reached across and felt my erection in my sleep shorts. I never expected that, and he told me to take off my shorts as he removed his. I hesitantly reached across to touch his dick, and he told me not to be afraid and to hold it. He was slowly moving his hand up and down my shaft and explained that this was what wanking was. It felt so good, and I copied him, moving my hand up and down his shaft.
It felt great to have someone else touching my dick and it sent tingles up my spine. Sam seemed to pick up the pace and asked me if I was enjoying it. I replied `yes' and told him not to stop. I felt a warm surge in my dick and my body trembled and I got that super feeling like no other. Some semen oozed out and my penis felt very sensitive, and I had to ask Sam to stop touching me. At that point his penis stiffened, his body jerked, and he shot some cum. I continued to wank him and couldn't stop myself from bringing my cum covered hand to my mouth to taste it. He giggled and asked me what it tasted like, and I said somewhat sweet, but hard to describe."
As a twenty-old young man, I often woke up with sticky sleep shorts, and I hoped that Avrum never noticed. Some nights I would dream about him. I would be on my knees and have his cut dick in my mouth, or we would be on his bed, and I would be rubbing my dick against his.
Avrum tried not to be naked around me. Once he told me that if you read the Shulchan Aruch and Mishneh Berurah, it says you shouldn't be naked even when you're alone. except when you were bathing or getting dressed and so on. I didn't agree and did show off my goods. and I did catch him looking at me at times. Avrum even slept with his Kippa on, even though the Rabbi said that to the best of his knowledge, there is no halachic basis to sleep with a Kippa on, though some people have such a custom, and some even have extra-large sleeping Kippot which won't fall off. He said that he did not have such a Kippa.
I was a conflicted person, and I knew that I would have to choose at some stage. No amount of prayer and study was going to change who I am. I was obsessed with the forbidden, and Avrum was a major distraction. I thought about speaking to the Rabbi, and maybe asking if I could move to another room, but I enjoyed being with Avrum and secretly hoped that he would do something with me.