Chapter 3
While my conscious mind may have been dreaming of peaceful bliss, my subconscious had different plans for me as I slumbered in expectant peacefulness. I would get no reprieve from what had happened this afternoon. Some part of me wanted to examine and relive that experience. The feelings that flooded me in that moment of my embrace with Nick returned in full force while the rest of my brain was safely tucked away in darkness. I saw myself revisiting my encounter with Nick, but I wasn't fully there. It was as though I were entirely detached from my body, watching as though a spectator from a separate corner of the room. I saw myself locked in passion with Nick, saw the look of sheer absent-minded bliss that swept across my face in that moment. I looked happy, I looked serene. I was in ecstasy.
But that's not me, I told myself from my observant position. The real me, the part that matters, is not sharing that moment of passion. It is some imposter, some other person trying to pass himself off as Jon. I am not the type of person that gives into passionate desires, I am not the type of person that believes in love. I am not, I am not... gay. As my disconnected spirit comes to this conclusion, I see that the rest of my physical form is still locked in that kiss. There is such pleasure radiating from that being over there on that bed. The part of me left watching from a distance cannot even imagine such contentedness. Surely nothing real and physical could bring with it such happiness. In another moment, I will push Nick away from me and explain to him that I am not that person...
I awake from my dream violently in a cold sweat. I never got to see that moment when I ended our embrace. I had been jolted from my sleep just a fraction of a second before it occurred. The scenario that had just haunted me had ended with the sight of my body still caught in pure rapture. Why hadn't my mind just let the incident pass? Why bring me back to the earlier events of that day, which I so desperately wanted to forget? Why didn't I get the benefit of a conclusion to my dream, the ending that had happened in reality? How could such a moment of apparent joy bring me such trouble and discomfort? So many questions, and so few answers. Never before in my life had I posed questions to myself without even the hope of knowing where to discover the answers to them. I obviously needed help.
A glance at the clock revealed that I also needed to get up. It was well after 11:00, and I had been asleep for a very long time. I hadn't bothered to set the alarm before drifting off, something which was very rare for me. I always liked to maintain a perfect schedule, and I almost never forgot things. What was happening to me? I wasn't acting like myself at all lately, for whatever reason. I was troubled instead of confident, forgetful instead of precise, and unreliable instead of focused. I no longer was making my personal plans for each moment of the day. Instead I had found myself drifting along lately. None of this was natural for me, I thought. I had to get to the bottom of all of it before I lost touch with myself.
And since I obviously wasn't going to be able to answer my own questions, I needed to get in touch with someone else who could help me. One of the benefits to having a circle of friends who are all really good students is that among them you're likely to have at least one openly gay kid to turn to for advice. This is because the better students tend to be more accepting of them, at least outwardly so. Everyone should have a gay friend like that. Usually, they are excellent judges of character because of the intense psychological scrutiny they've put themselves under in the process of coming out. Some of them are also very good interpreters between males and females, translating between two different belief systems that can make the two genders unintelligible to each other even though they share a common language. But in any event, I was having a gay crisis and I reasoned that a gay male would be better able to help me. I decided to lay my troubles on Mike and ask him to help me straighten things out.
By the time I threw myself together it was nearly 11:30. I probably wouldn't have any trouble finding Mike, since he had lunch at quarter to twelve. All of the seniors hung out at the Wendy's down the street, so much so that the place came to look like a cafeteria between 11:00 to 1:00 every day. Most of the time I just took a study hall instead, since very few seniors or juniors were at the actual cafeteria for lunchtime (doing so branded you as a loser without access to a car, either your own or a friend's), and in any event I wasn't a big fan of fast food. It was also always a scary experience getting in and out of Wendy's during the lunch period, since the mad rush of high school drivers arriving and leaving all at the same time presents a heavy concentration of really bad drivers in a small area. Bumpers and fenders didn't fare so well as all these kids hurried to get to lunch and back again.
When I arrive I'm glad to see that Mike is still there. I definitely need to talk with him before Nick shows up again today. Across from Mike is Nicole, my chief academic "rival" since high school began. She is quite gifted, and this quality of hers is only accentuated by a really obsessive personality (even by my standards). Nicole forces herself to be competitive by being ruthlessly efficient in everything that she does. At less than five feet tall, with plain features and dark brown hair left frequently unkempt, it's easy to underestimate the girl. But doing so only makes her more competitive and she is the type of person that thrives when she's ignored. There is no doubt she will go far in this world, but for now she knows she has to accept second place. But while she may be ruthless in efficiency, she's personally quite gracious: she was more than willing to help me write my valedictory address and I helped her with her speech. I consider her a good friend, someone every bit as reliable as myself. For a time I thought I might even have had feelings for her. By now I pretty well have come to the conclusion that I probably just see something of myself in her, and that created an attraction that was never really romantic in nature at all. She is the person I would always turn to for advice... on any other topic except this one!
Mike and Nicole waved me over as soon as they saw me. Nicole seemed almost finished with her salad, while Mike seemed just to have started on his meal. Perfect, I thought. I knew Mike didn't have a car of his own; he had probably gotten a ride with Nicole. Hopefully I would be able to angle it so that I would give Mike a ride back, and then I could tell him about my situation with Nick in private. It was taking all my courage even to bring this topic up with him, and to tell you the truth I couldn't imagine how he'd react. We weren't the best of friends, but we had known each other a long time and I certainly knew I could trust him. But would he be bothered that I would discuss this with him like he were some gay relationship doctor? Would he be shocked? Could he possibly have any advice to give me? It was worth a try in any event, and in the meantime the small talk over lunch would calm me down a bit. I was surprised to realize how long it'd been since I talked with some of my friends.
"Jon! Playing hookie while everyone else is feeling sorry for you! I thought you supposedly knocked your head," Nicole said with a tone of mock annoyance. Strangely it hadn't occurred to me that I was still out on a medical absence because of my concussion. I really probably shouldn't be hanging around at lunchtime with everyone from school, but what the hell. At this point there were more important concerns.
"Aw, you're just angry I didn't hit my head a lot harder!" I teased back at Nicole. At this, she nearly choked on a piece of lettuce as she burst out in laughter. Nicole's always a great audience for my sense of humor. What I love most about her is that she never offers up a polite chuckle; if Nicole thinks something is funny, she will laugh with every fiber of her being. I really admire that about her personality, since you really have to catch me off-guard with something unexpectedly funny to get me to laugh like that. Even then I never feel natural letting myself chuckle fully. I'm forever examining myself with an eye of self-consciousness that never lets me lose myself in any moment, no matter how funny. No matter how pleasant...
"So, what brings you here to visit us peons?" I heard Mike asking. "I thought you hated fast food." Yeah, I really did. The word "hate" was something of an understatement.
"Oh well, you know, even I have to eat every once and a while," I answered. I wasn't about to get into a discussion about why I was really there until I could be alone with Mike.
"How are you feeling? You think you'll be alright for Six Flags?" Mike was now asking.
Oh, that's right, I suddenly thought to myself. We had made plans to shoot over to Six Flags this Saturday. We'd been planning it for a few weeks now, and somehow it'd just slipped my mind. There was no way I could not go, I decided. My health be damned.
"Absolutely, I wouldn't miss it for anything."
We exchanged some more small talk, then I got up and ordered some disgusting chicken meal and pretended not to be offended by the little of it I actually did eat. After chatting a little more, mostly about school (why is my life so focused on school, I thought to myself), Nicole got up to get ready to leave. Seeing that Mike was doing the same (even though he wasn't quite finished) I quickly stepped in to finish the purpose of my visit.
"Hey Mike, why don't you stick around a while and I'll give you a ride back to school," I found myself saying in a tone that sounded just a little more desperate than it should have. Fortunately, Nicole was in such a rush that she was more than accomodating.
"Yeah Mike, I have to hurry back anyway. You know how Mrs. Bachmair is about lateness."
"Hehe, yeah, I had her last year. Don't remind me. She's the reason I put a study hall in after lunch in the first place." With that, Nicole wished me well and headed out. Mike did have a study hall after lunch, so it would be nothing for him to indulge me a little while listening to the details of my now-bizarre personal life. When he finished eating we headed out to my car. Alone in private at last, I would be able to ask his advice.
Not that this would be easy or anything. How was I going to bring this topic up, I kept thinking to myself. What was I going to say? Hey Mike, do you think I'm gay? I could ask him how he came to know that he was gay. I could tell him about what had happened... but I couldn't mention Nick by name, of course. As I continued driving, I came to the realization that I needed some kind of opening... where was it going to come from?
"Jon, do you have something you want to tell me?"
That will do nicely, I thought to myself. How could Mike know that I had something to tell him? Was I that transparent these days? My expression must have clearly told him about the troubling thoughts running through my head. Too bad I couldn't just let him read my mind so that he could understand my questions without me having to ask them. Oh what the hell, I thought, I've come this far and now it's time to stop talking to myself and start talking to someone else.
I pulled the car over to the side of the road on one of the backstreets nowhere near our high school. The fact that I hadn't even been driving in the right direction to head back for school must also have given Mike a hint that something was up.
"Mike, I've known you a long time, so I feel like I can really trust you. I know we haven't been very close in the past, but I need to tell you something about how I feel, I need you to know that..."
My words were interrupted by a glance at Mike. I had turned to face him as I spoke, and was struck by his face at that moment. There was no longer an easygoing, merely pleasant visage there. His intense green eyes were fully focused on me. There was an entirely new - and entirely different - aspect of his face being shown to me, one that I recognized on some level but did not understand. His slightly pale, somewhat freckled face showed an expression that quite simply took my breath away. Though a couple of inches shorter than myself, he had hunched himself up in his seat and was leaning towards me. It was a classic Hollywood moment, the hero leaning in to kiss the leading lady and take him in his arms to live happily ever after. For some reason I found myself unable to speak, unable to move as this scene starting playing out in real life. His lips met mine, and I relented before him in a complete and total daze...