This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Ben Hastings -- That's me!
Bill "Bubba" Hastings -- My Dad
Veronica Hastings -- My Mom.
Reyna -- My Best Friend
Ranj Kumar-- My New friend
Jared -- A football whore.
Sargeant Shipley -- High School Friend
From Chapter 8:
By the time Ranj and I left the club, Skip and Ray were laughing and flirting. Ranj told me that Ray Remington is a psychology professor at another college. He met him a week ago at this very club. Ray had been dumped by a very young guy that he was infatuated with. Ray is 42. But he's only attracted to young guys. He's a really good looking guy, with thinning brown hair.. At least Skip is a couple years older than Ray's ex.
We looked back once more and Ranj said, "Let's go home!"
Chapter 9:
"Okay, now what was this about -- Ray is your counselor?" I asked.
"Oh! Well, after my parents found out that I was gay, they insisted that I see a shrink. Ray teaches at City College, but also has a private practice. How did your friend Skip know him?"
"He went to City College for a semester before coming here. Apparently Ray was one of his teachers."
"Meeting at the bar musta been scary for them both!" Said Ranj.
"Yeah, I guess." I said. I almost choked on saying it though, because it wouldn't have occurred to me that they would even have fear. But Ranj - - I guess -- is still afraid -- so he goes there immediately. I let that register in my subconscious for a moment.
"What's up? You okay?" He said.
"Yeah. So your parents -- are gone again?
"Yeah. After his initial blowup, my father -- well, actually he mostly threw his hands up and decided that I'm an adult now and, as he puts it, `If you want to fly in the face of all family tradition, marry outside our faith, or worse yet, not marry and live -- however you people live -- yadda yadda yadda.' Anyway he's off my back."
"Aww, baby! I can tell it hurt you."
"Yeah. But I guess what hurts me also is -- my father will have to be the one to face the family and make my excuses. I am not close to him, but I still love him."
"Of course you do! Can we stop by my house so I can get some clean underwear?"
"You're not gonna dirty the one's you just put on! You're not even wearing them to bed!"
"Okay. I do hafta call my parents anyway -- to let them know I'll be staying over."
"You see? That's what I love about you. You love your parents enough to call and let them know you won't be home."
"If I don't they'll worry."
"I know. Mine too." Said Ranj. He leaned over and kissed my lips before the light changed, and then turned right into his neighborhood.
At Ranj's house, everything seemed to be like nothing had happened between us. He was so sweet and -- well, really so was I. I just love that Indian so much! We nuked some left over pizza and had some cokes and Ranj put on some really dreamy Indian music.
"I love Indian music." He said. "It reminds me of our visits to India. There was a place across from the upstairs apartment that my uncle lives in -- I always stay with his family when we go there because my cousin is just a year younger than I am -- and this place across the street plays this kind of music."
"It's nice." I said. As we ate our pizza -- only a couple pieces each -- we both had trouble keeping out eyes open, and we pretty much only ate, drank and looked deeply into each others' eyes.
When we finished, as if on cue, we both headed to the bedroom, where he lit some candles and again put some Indian music on.
Our love making was sweet and low key, but -- very, very romantic. After he had sucked me and had me several times to the brink, He lay down and asked me to put it in his bum. I was so overwhelmed. I always played it in my mind the other way. It would be him in me. And only because he was usually the aggressor.
My eyes watered and my heart throbbed wildly as he lay on his back and raised his legs and lay them over my shoulders. I wondered if this was a dream. I put my lubed dick to his anal sphincter and pushed. Nothing.
"I think maybe you have to work it with your finger first." He said.
"Did I hurt you?"
"No. Just need to open up a little."
"Yeah, rub it in!" I said.
"I didn't mean that! Besides, you're bigger than I am!"
"Nuh-uh!" I said. I put more lube on my middle finger and first massaged the opening, then pushed it in. He clamped down with all his might -- and he has a lot of might! "Relax, Sweetheart, relax." I said. He did. I pushed in a little more. More clamping. "Just think, Ranj, you have pushed out bigger turds than my finger -- probably most of the time. Probably bigger than my dick, even!"
"Oh goody! Poop talk!" He said. "How romantic!" We both collapsed in laughter.
Turn over on your side, Ranj. No the other way -- away from me. Okay now, haven't you ever had the doctor do this to you?"
"NO! Have you?" He laughed.
"Well -- yeah. He was really a cute doctor too! I was - "
"First you talk about my poop and now you're gonna tell me about the first guy who violated your ass. You really know how to make this special, don't you?"
We laughed again. "Just shut up and jam that fucker up my ass! -- er I mean finger!" he laughed. We were both by now almost in tears from laughing so hard.
I pushed hard and jammed the whole finger in - and he grunted. "Oof!" he said. "That was intense!" He almost whimpered. I moved it around. "Ohhhh, yeah! Now THAT's nice. OOO! That is sooo intense!" I stopped. "No, don't stop! Omigod, that's good!"
"That must be where your prostate is." I said.
"Yeah, it feels like the root of my dick! Keep doing that!"
I complied and gradually he relaxed and I started to thrust with my finger. "Omigod! That feels great too! Your finger going in and out of my hole is hot!"
I then put a second finger in. He didn't even notice. I put all four in and he DID notice. "Oh -- yeah! Spread them! OOO yeah, That's nice! Leave then there while I go back on my back. I did. He almost broke my fingers as he changed positions. When he was on his back again, and his legs over my shoulders, I again worked to relax his anus. He closed his eyes, and looked like he was in heaven. That's all I needed.
I was able to almost seamlessly exchange me dick for my fingers. His closed eyes fluttered a little and he moaned my name. I started to thrust a little further in. His eyes popped open. "Wha - ? What's gomg -- oh! OH!!! You're -- you're in!"
"You little shit!" I said. You fell asleep!"
"I Know. I'm sorry! You were so perfect! But I'm awake now! Go for it."
I started to push slowly in and out. "Faster, Benny, harder!"
"Doesn't it hurt?"
"Benny, I played football broken and bandaged! Just do it!"
I started to thrust with all I had, as hard, fast and deep as I could. He groaned and moaned but kept saying, "More, more!" I felt myself rising and when I started to gasp, he closed his eyes and let out a long "AHHHHHHHH!"
My orgasm seemed to be in suspended animation. I felt it consume my whole pelvic region, and it seemed to last forever. When I was finished, I collapsed on top of him, my face on his chest. I fell instantly asleep.
I felt -- or was it a dream -- no it was real. But it felt like a dream as he pushed me off and spooned up behind me, wrapping his arms and body around me like a big brother. I felt safe, warm and oh! Soooo loved!
I woke up, and for the first time, sleeping with Ranj, we were still spooned. I dunno, maybe it was only minutes later.
"Ranj?" I whispered.
"Yeah, me too." He said. "Oh! What?"
"Sorry to wake you."
"It's okay, Baby."
"Ranj, I feel bad. You didn't even get off."
"I got what I wanted. Later, okay?" He said and pulled me up tighter to him. He kissed my ear and neck. I went back to sleep, fantasizing about him inside me.
"Ben" Benny!"
Ranj gently squeezed me. I opened my eyes. There was light streaming across his bedroom from the window. "What do you want for breakfast?"
"You!" I said, dreamily.
"Anything! You tell me anything, and it's yours."
"Ranj -- I want my turn."
"Huh?"
"I want you in me!"
"Benny, you don't have to -- I mean -- I really wanted that last night. You don't have to feel like you have to - "
"I WANT it, Ranj -- really!"
He remembered everything we did the night before, as he broke my cherry. When he started to ram it home, I was very glad he was not quite as large as me. It hurt some, but mostly it was incredibly satisfying and the feeling was more incredible than I ever could have fantasized! When he was finished, we didn't fall asleep, as last night. We kissed and cuddled for another 20 minutes.
He fixed eggs benedict -- I think -- but it was done with curry. And it was the best I've ever had.
He got up when we were finished eating, and so did I. I grabbed my plate to take it to the sink. "No! Let me do that, Ben -- please?" He said. "Just sit and wait a moment." He took all the table mess to the sink, and returned. He came to me and kissed me. I started to get up, and again he said, No -- not yet." He pushed me back down -- gently -- and kissed my head. "I'll be right back."
He went out of the kitchen and then came back with one hand behind his back. He kneeled down and spread my legs, then hugged me for several seconds. Then he showed me what was in his hand as he said, "Benny, I love you. I can't live without you. I got this before the Bakersfeild game, but everything got screwed up after that. But I think I want you to have it now.
He opened his hand and in it was a platinum ring with three rubies set in the top. "These are from India. They are rubies and they signify love -- and commitment."
"Ranj!" I said, flabbergasted. "Where did you get this1 It's -- Ranj, I've never used the word exquisite, but -- that's what it is! How, I mean where - "
"It's a family heirloom. I made my mother give it to me. It's from her family and it is mine. But now it's yours."
I closed my eyes. I thought about last night. I thought about this morning. I thought about the love -- deep love -- I feel for this gorgeous boy kneeling in front of me. Some how he has gotten me to take the ring. I opened my eyes and held it up to the light. Exquisite was not good enough. It must have belonged to Raja or something!
I placed it back in Ranj's hand, and closed his fingers on it. "I can't take this, Ranj."
"What? But -- but -- I love you!" He cried, tears springing to his pleading eyes.
"Ranj, I love you. Last night and this morning left no doubt about that. But - - love isn't enough."
"What? Of course it is!" He protested, the tears now running down his face freely -- and I was the same.
"Ranj, this is way too valuable to give me. If I took it and we broke up, I'd give it back anyway, but -- Ranj! You aren't even ready to tell the world that you love me. I can't wear a ring when the world that sees it wonders where it came from. I want the world -- the universe -- to know that you are mine and I am yours. I love you yes -- but sometimes love isn't enough. Commitment is just as important."
"I WILL tell the world!"
"I feel good about that. And as soon as you do tell the world, including the football tam, including the university football team where you are going -- then I will wear that ring. And I promise you -- if for some reason it doesn't work out -- either next week, next fall, or in 50 years -- I'll give it back. It will never be mine -- because it is your family heitloom. But for now -- I can't take it."
Ranj laid his head in my lap and cried like a baby. Finally he whimpered, "Please just try it on -- put it on your finger." He held it up, but his head was still laying on my lap. I took it from him, and raised him up. I placed it on his finger.
"Ranj, you wear it and think of me. I love you -- there's no contest with anyone else." I said, rather sadly. "Go do your thing. When you're ready to tell the world that you love me, I'm ready to wear your ring. That's the way it has to be. But -- I can't wait forever. I don't want to wait at all. I'd like you to make me yours -- today -- now -- but I know you can't right now."
Ranj fell back on the bed and covered his face. He lay there for a good five minutes. I finally lay next to him and touched his face. "I know you're right. What're we gonna do, Baby?" He whispered.
"Right now I just want to hold you." I said. We held each other and cried until we fell back asleep.
I woke again later in the morning. Our bodies were still entangled. I thought about carefully extricating myself and leaving, but the way we were laying, that was impossible without waking Ranj. And - - that's not really what I wanted to do. My heart was having a serious tug-of-war with my mind.
As I was in this waking turmoil, I tried to focus on my sweetheart just inches away. With eyes closed, his long, naturally curly eye lashes were so beautiful -- even caked as they were with last night's tears. Then they opened. He smiled.
"I was afraid it was just a dream." He said. "But you're still here so I guess it's real."
"It is." I said soberly, but I couldn't resist returning his smile.
"Good." He said. I was afraid he was going to break the spell and try to again approach the subject of "us". He didn't. "Let's get some lunch." He said.
"You don't want to shower first -- to wake up -- or something?" I said.
"Only if you shower with me and -- show me some of that `something' you were referring to." He countered.
Before that, my morose thought kept any wood from forming, but as soon as he said that, I felt the familiar surging. "You DO know how to get me going!" I said, grinning.
I know that we both felt this may be the last time -- in at least a long time -- that we would be together in this way. And rather than let it get us down, by silent mutual consent, we made what we thought may be our last time together - - a time to remember. The irony was not lost to me: I finally had become one with a guy I loved more than anything in the world -- only to presume that I could never have this again with him. Indeed, I may never see him again.
He drove me home after breakfast. We had done our crying last night, so we said goodbye with a quick kiss and hug and I ran into the house. All I want to do is feel the warmth of my parents love at the moment.
They're gone.
I am alone. More alone than I have ever been. More alone than I knew any soul could feel. I had just had lunch and yet I felt a hunger in the pit of my stomach -- that very foundation of my being -- that seemed to consume my whole body.
I sought the comfort of my bed. Wanking crossed my mind, but I knew that would be useless. I took my clothing off and climbed under my covers, and assumed a fetal position.
Then I let it go again. Each time I do this, it seems like it's worse than the time before. How is it possible to hurt this much and still keep living? I wrapped my arms around my shoulders and rocked back and forth as I whimpered -- which was all that was left in me.
I went to school. I came home. Week after week, I survived. I saw Skip in chem lab every Saturday. It was like a Puccini opera. My misery was punctuated by his elation of having found Ray Remington to be all he ever dreamed of. Occasionally Ranj and I did make contact -- a casual look from across the cafeteria -- once when he nearly ran me over hurrying around a corner with some friends.
He stopped to help me up, as his friends stood laughing. No they weren't laughing at me. They had their own conversation going. After helping me up, he squeezed my hand and turned and joined his friends.
Spring break. Skip called me. "Hey! Why don't you drive out to Palm Springs with us? Ray has a place that he shares with some old school buddies and it is his for the week."
I almost turned him down, but -- then thought maybe it might be what I need. It was only a long weekend, but it was fun to just hang out with happy people. Their joy in new love was enough to bring me a little bit back from the edge. I felt mostly like a 5th wheel, but it was still fun. Nothing -- I mean NOTHING - happened in Palm Springs.
When I got home there was a note.
"Dear Benny, I came by to say good-bye before going back to North Carolina, but apparently you have moved on faster than I. Palm springs, huh? I hear it is quite the gay congregation. Maybe you'll find a friend there. I'll be awfully busy with spring training, and also my studies. I wish you would be there to -- help me study and -- stuff.
There is so much more that I can feel but cannot put into words, I will not have time to do anything but study and practice, so -- I guess I'll be dreaming of -- us -- you -- whatever.
I hope you have fun in Palm Springs and -- next semester.
Love always,
Raunch"
I read it sitting on the couch in the living room. I wasn't crying, but even Dad picked up on my mood.
"You really like him, don't you?" He said.
"Like him?" I said, woefully.
"Well, okay." Dad apologized. "Anyway, for what it's worth, I really like Ranj."
"I know." I said, sounding more bitter than I meant to.
"Ben -- I LIKE Ranj. I LOVE you! I haven't been very good at showing you all the time, but -- you're - - different. And you know what?"
"What?" I said barely civilly
"Now that I know what it is that IS different, it's really somehow easier -- or something -- to relate to you. I don't understand your -- um -- attraction -- to -- to -- men, but -- I at least know what it is now. Before it was like there was this wall between us. Don't you feel -- just a little -- like that wall is coming down."
I looked up into my dad's eyes. HE was crying! Well, that did it for me. I practically jumped off the couch and into his arms. I looked over his shoulder and in the archway to the kitchen; mom was standing, smiling, with tears running down too.
"Dad -- Mom -- do you think I'm being too -- hard - on Ranj?"
"What do you mean?" Mom said.
"I know exactly what he means." Said Dad. "Ben, you're kinda asking the wrong person, I think, but I'll give you my opinion, if you want."
"I do want!"
"Well, trying to put aside my feelings that ALL gays would be better off not flaunting their sexuality, I think that, if you really like him as well as -- I mean, okay, love him -- as well as you seem to -- you could sacrifice your desire to be out with him until he's ready. He only wants two years -- right?"
"Dad, I've thought about that. I've gotten pounded twice by him already, though, and - "
" - and by the look of things, he really didn't hurt you that bad."
He got "the look" from both Mom and me for that remark.
"No wait -- both of you! You have to take some responsibility too, Benny. IF you decide you want to continue with Ranj, you have to know that you have to be super conscious of where you are and who you're with. And you have to be willing to save any elation or anything that might show him up as being a -- well -- gay -- you just have to wait. I'm sure you have ways of showing him when your alone!" He said with a smirk.
"Well, yeah." I said, also smirking. "So -- now all I have to decide is, how to get to North Carolina."
"How bad do you want this -- if you indeed decide to go? Because another option is just to wait it out,." Dad asked.
"I want it pretty bad, Dad. Wait it out? I don't think so!"
"What are your options then?"
"There is a community college there. I'd have to pay more than here, being out of state."
"You've already been looking into this, haven't you?" Mom offered.
"Just wondering what me options are!" I said with a sheepish grin.
"I'd be willing to pay your way out there, and set you up with first, last and security deposit, Son. But you will have to get a job and make arrangements to go to school -- if school's what you want."
"Isn't it what YOU want?" I said.
"Benny -- whether or not you go to college is your decision now. We always encouraged you to get ready for college -- good grades in high school and all -- in case you went to a university. But -- it all depends on what you want to do in life."
"Whattaya mean?"
"If you -- for example -- decide you don't want to work for someone else -- like a big corporation -- you don't need a degree -- after all, it's only a piece of paper. You NEED that piece of paper to get a good job at a corporation. But if you decide to work for yourself -- why spend the time and money for a stupid piece of paper?"
"I never knew you felt that way about college."
"Benny, you're 19 now -- and a man -- you need to -- as you said -- know your options."
I was all gung ho to rent an apartment from an internet site. Dad advised me to not rent anything site unseen. Then there was the option of getting a place with Ranj. Why hadn't I thought of that!!??
"I'm gonna surprise him!"
"Better not, Son."
"Why not?" I cried. "He loves me -- he'll be happy.
"You might be the one who is surprised, Ben. You as much as told him good bye and that he is free."
"Dad! He loves me! I'm not worried."
I saw a lot of pretty places, six weeks later, traveling across America on a Greyhound bus. I had so many guys -- and girls -- come on to me on the way -- It was creepy! Springtime in Durham, NC is beautiful!
The bus went right by Duke, so I talked the driver in to letting me off there. I had a huge suitcase that I dragged behind me until I found Ranj's dorm address he gave me. The sun was nearly down when I found it. He told me he had two roomies, or I would have walked in the unlocked door. So I knocked. The door was opened by a small student with glasses and coal black hair and eyes, and nothing more than a pair of tighty-whiteys.
"Hello." He said with a markedly southern accent.
"Hi, I'm Ben Hastings, a friend of Ranj Kumar."
The little guy opened the door wide and in the semi-darkened room, I saw Ranj on the couch, clad only in white boxer shorts - - as was the guy that was all wrapped up in Ranj's embrace. Ranj shot up off the couch like a rocket.,
I turned and walked back down the steps in front of the dorm. He came flying out, and his boner popped out of his fly. He struggled to stuff his incredibly shrinking man back into its hole. "WAIT! Ben! Don't go!" He was standing in the common in his shorts, with a half erect bone.
"Ranj, go back inside. You're embarrassing yourself."
"Not until you tell me you'll come back in too!"
"Okay. Give me a minute." I said. He hesitated a moment. "Go inside! I'll be right back!" He stood his ground. "I promise!"
He ran back in to his place. I pulled my suitcase behind me until I was out of eye -- or ear shot. I started to call home, when what happened hit home all the way. I sat down and cried.
I sat there at least five minutes, trying to get myself together. "Sir -- are you okay? May I be of assistance?"
I looked up and there was a uniformed guard or something. He spoke again. "Campus security -- are you okay?" He knelt down to my level.
He couldn't have been too much older than I. Looking into my wet eyes, he repeated, "Are you okay, Man?" His eyes were compassionate as he put his hand gently on my shoulder.
Notes: Far from home, our boy meets the unexpected -- once again. There are not many times when the author cries as he is writing, but the scene where Ben's dad breaks down even got to me! (I ALWAYS react when I am proofreading, not during the initial writing.)