Ben's Fantasy
This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters: Ben Hastings -- That's me! Bill "Bubba" Hastings -- My Dad Veronica Hastings -- My Mom. Reyna -- My Best Friend Ranj Kumar-- My New friend Jared -- A football whore. Sargeant Shipley -- High School Friend
From Chapter 7: "You're a man now, Ranj -- and as such, you have been compelled to make some hard decisions in the last couple weeks. It's not easy, is it? Another rhetorical question. Anyway, you now have to make the hardest decision -- maybe -- of your life. Don't make it lightly. Consider all of the consequences." Then Dad looked at me. "and, Ben, give him time to make it!" I felt bad now that I had been so hard on him for the last few weeks. I had no idea what he was dealing with.
I took Ranj home and before he got out, he kissed me good bye. I watched him as he keyed in the gate code and he waved as he walked in.
With tears in my eyes, I watched as the gate took the view of him from my eyes. I have already made my decision. But I am not going to tell him until he makes his.
Chapter 8: Obviously the next few weeks had to be low key and I had to be content to keep our love a secret. I knew what my decision was and steeled myself for whatever he might decide. We met in secret and as such, could never let ourselves go as we had those wonderful days his parents were out of town. And armed with their newly acquired information, they never left Ranj alone in the house again. Then something happened that changed both our perspectives.
There was a scout from Duke the Saturday that Cerritos played Bakersfield. He had seen Ranj and after learning that he had played with a severely debilitating injury, he was even more interested. It had taken him five weeks to get the authorization he needed. He called Ranj's father first, when he found out that they were immigrants. He wanted to make sure they were not radical Islamists.
When he found that they were not Muslims at all -- nor were they from Pakistan, but rather, India, he told Mr. Kumar why he was there.
"This is an offer I can't refuse, Ben! And with your grade point average, you can probably get a scholarship too! And my parents would not have to know that you followed me there!"
"I'm happy for you, Ranj. And maybe I could get a scholarship, but -- you're going there to play football. Does this scout know you're gay?"
"What difference is that to him? What BUSINESS is it OF his?"
"Are you going to tell your teammates that you are gay?"
"Ben! Duke is in North Carolina! That's about as deep-south as you can get. I can't be out at Duke! You ought to know that!"
"No -- not and play football." I said.
"I knew you'd understand! You're the best!" He said.
"I do understand. I love you so much. But I can't live like that again."
"Huh?"
"You have to do what you have to do. I won't stand in your way. This is an opportunity you can't refuse -- you said it. But -- I can. Like my dad said, it's only three years. If at the end of three years we both still feel the same - "
"STOP!" He cried. "Just Don't. I get it." Tears filled his eyes. "I want you to come with me. I can't say no to this. I don't really have a choice. You could give a little!"
I swallowed hard. "You always have a choice. I love you and it's going to half kill me if you can't tell anyone that you love me and I love you. If you've made your decision - - then so have I. I just can't -- no WON'T live like that -- any more."
Ranj stared me for a long moment, tears flowing more freely than earlier, sobbed and turned and this time it was I who watched as he walked away. Out of my house -- out of my life.
I went to my bedroom and collapsed on my bed. I hardly noticed Jared there. I sobbed and sobbed, as Jared patted and rubbed my back, neck and butt. I fell into an exhausted sleep, but not before I felt him wiggle into my curved form. I pulled him up close to me, and our naked bodies consoled each other. I could not have done anything serious with him, for he had become like my brother.
And --
I knew that he was still frequenting the overflow parking lot. I was getting ready to go back there myself. But I couldn't until Ranj was gone. I was too afraid that I might see him there. I don't think I could take that. And Ranj was not going until after the spring semester, when he would report in North Carolina for spring training.
I had gotten permission to attend a different lab on Saturday mornings, claiming a hardship. As there were too many in the weekday labs anyway, it was not contested. That way, I would hardly ever run in to Ranj.
The last Saturday before semester break, I was completing an experiment involving hydrochloric acid, when a voice behind me said, "Is it Ben?"
I turned on my stool and looked up into eyes I had not seen since junior high school. I blinked, trying to remember the name.
"Skippy!" He said.
"Omigosh! You've grown!" was all I could come up with. I turned deep red.
Skippy's real name was Sergeant Shipley, and he was two years ahead of me in school. And he went to a different high school, so I had not seen him since I was in 6th grade and he, 8th. He was maybe 5'-2" tall then. Now he towered over me at least 6'-4" tall!
"Geez! I never expected to see you again. What's going on in your life?" Said Skippy. Since Skippy was so little in 8th grade, he pretty much was ignored in his own class. He hated his real name and the nickname skippy -- I assume because it sounds like Shipley -- stuck. He was always nice to me.
"Going on?" I repied. "Oh you know the usual stuff." (like I just broke up with my new boyfriend!) Yeah right like I an going to tell him that! "How' re you, Skippy?"
"People call me `Sarge' now. I guess I sorta grew into my name."
"So -- are you -- um -- a soph this year?" "Naw! I took a couple years off -- to work and make enough to come back here."
"Cool. What did you do?"
"Male stripper." He said with a straight face. I looked him up and down. He laughed. "Kidding!!
"Looks like to me you could have!" I said. I decided that I was tired of being careful of everything I say to everyone.
"Naw. Too hairy. Male strippers have to be smooth."
"I like hair!" I mused.
"What -- on men?" He said and laughed.
"Did I say that aloud?" I said. "Oh, what the hell! I'm gay, Skippy -- er -- Sarge."
"Really? I'm -- well, I think they call it `bi-curious' in the chat rooms." He said, suddenly shy.
"Which means that you have not really -- um -- have you ever talked to anyone about -- this?"
"I've never told anyone. When you said what you said, I -- well -- wondered. And then when you came out and told me you are gay -- I thought, `why not?' I always liked you -- and felt good about trusting you, Ben."
"That's fine -- I mean -- you can!"
"So -- where do we go from here?"
"Huh?"
"I am really curious and -- really -- um -- wondering what it's like."
"Dude, okay -- um -- I just -- um -- lost the guy I thought I was going to be with -- for a long time. I'm not ready to -- I mean you are -- um -- hot -- and all, but, I don't know if - "
"Ben, I just want someone to -- talk to -- someone who has -- been there a few times; someone who can maybe tell me a few things. And don't worry. You're not my type."
That felt like a slap in the face! I guess I showed that when he continued, "Ben, I feel -- attracted -- (is that the right word?) -- to older guys -- MUCH older guys."
"Oh! Wow! That IS weird! I mean -- not weird, but - "
"That's okay, I think it's weird too! But it is what it is. I have tried to fantasize about guys my age -- and it's like -- ew - I mean - EW! HAHA! Anyway, maybe we can hang out a bit -- and you can coach me -- or something."
"Hmm -- likes guys much older." I mused aloud.
"You think I'm too weird!"
"It's not really that. I have been wondering a few things myself -- about why guys are attracted to other guys. I was just wondering -- but hey -- We really need to finish these chemistry experiments."
"Maybe we can hang out after? Where do you live?"
"Not far -- but -- how do you feel about being outed?"
"Outed? Um -- not really ready for that. Why?"
"If I bring you home, my dad's gonna assume you're gay. Will that bother you?"
"Wait a minute! You're dad's okay with you being gay?"
"Well, `okay' may be stretching it. But he knows I am gay, and he accepts it -- even if he's not really pleased that his only son is a poof!"
"My old man would absolutely freak!"
"So anyway, my house may not be comfortable for you. Have you ever been to the overflow parking lot -- after hours?"
"Huh?"
"A lot of guys hang out there. Guys who are looking for -- um -- some action -- with another guy -- or guys."
"What are you suggesting?" He asked. "Are there older guys there?"
"I don't think I ever saw any -- but -- if they were there - - I'd be particularly careful. That to me would be creepy! And old guy hanging out there, trying to snag a - "
"I get your point. But -- where would a guy go to meet -- someone -- like that: older and -- um -- safe."
"I'm not sure that exists. Online is safe -- while you're online -- and anonymous, but then if you meet someone -- better know them very well first!"
"See what I mean? It's impossible!"
"Well - - maybe I was a little to judgmental in saying they don't exist. Look, I have an idea, Skippy. Let's go out tonight." I said, then added "Oops! I mean Sarge."
"That's okay -- you're from my former life. I kind of like you calling me skippy. Um - you mean -- like a date?"
With me? Not really! I mean let's go and find a gay bar -- or nightclub -- or something. It's Saturday night. There has to be something interesting out there -- even if all we do is look!"
A broad grin came over Skippy's face. "I go by this gay bar in Long beach every day. Nothing is ever happening during the day -- at least during the weekdays. But I know it's gay. There's a rainbow flag hanging there."
"Cool! So do you want to meet somewhere?" I said. "You could come over to my house. My old man doesn't have a clue. And -- you don't act too gay, so - "
"Haha! I don't act TOO gay, huh?"
"Well, let's just say I have seen a lot of straight guys that act a lot gayer than you!"
"As far as you KNOW! Hahaha!" I quipped.
"This may be more fun that I ever thought about. I really like you. I'm not attracted to you, but I like you a lot!"
This time it was I who grinned. I was afraid to even mention what I really felt about him! DAMN! Why could he not be attracted to me??!!
When I got to Skippy's, I was nervous on several counts. I didn't want to in any way act gay in front of his dad. And I didn't want to give away to Skippy how much I was attracted to him. When he came to the door, my first impulse was to hug him, but -- I didn't. I reasoned -- quickly -- that plenty of straight guys do that. But -- what would his dad think, if he just told him we got reacquainted? What if I -- eek! -- boned up! What if I turned all red?
Well, I turned all red anyway. And there was no risk of boning up. Fear and nervousness can do amazing things. I might have been lucky to even FIND it, it was so shriveled!
"So you and Skippy have known each other for how many years?" Said his mother.
"Since about -- well, grade school anyway. We got split up because of the high school districts."
"Kids these day!" Said Mr. Shipley. "If I saw someone that I was so obviously fond of all those years ago -- I woulda hugged him! I guess that's the price we pay for our liberal `all inclusive' society today. If you hug another guy -- they say you're gay!"
"Now dear!" Said Mrs. Shipley.
"Thos gays have ruined it for normal people, Amanda! They stole a perfectly wonderful word -- gay -- first, and now they want all of us to accept them as if they are normal!"
"Uh - we better go!" said Skippy. "See yah Mom. See yah Dad!"
I waved good bye. I was afraid to speak, because I was almost choking from trying not to laugh. We went in Skippy's car. When we got to the nightclub there weren't many there. I guess we arrived too early.
But being early, has its advantages. We got a corner table, where we could pretty much see the whole bar -- and everyone who came in the door. The bar gradually filled to -- probably over capacity. There were people standing outside too.
When Skippy went to the bathroom, I was so intently watching his cute skinny butt walking away that I didn't notice the dark figure come in the door until his back was to me. He headed directly for the bathroom too. He wore a parka over a baseball cap. I did a double-take, but then it occurred to me -- lots of guys dress like that.
The bathroom was in a particularly dark corner of the bar. So when Skippy came out, and soon thereafter the guy in the parka, who seemed to be trying to follow Skippy, I still couldn't see him clearly until they came to a lighter area.
Omigod! It's Ranj!
Skippy walked directly up to me, but Ranj stopped short by the bar. Ranj didn't see me until Skippy got close to me and said, "Omigod! I just saw Ranj Kumar in the bathroom!"
"Yeah, I see him now." I said, trying to think as fast as I could. He was at first watching that same cute skinny ass and then his eyes raised up and looked at his profile -- and then past his profile at -- me! His eyes got big and then he averted them, and then looked again, smiling sadly. He raised his hand almost imperceptibly. I waved back, then turned my attention to Skippy.
"Skip, quick! Touch me and laugh."
"Touch you? Where?"
I put my hand gently on his face, then gave it a playful slap. He grinned and laughed, "What's going on?" He whispered.
"I'll tell you later! Kiss my cheek -- quick!"
He complied. He kissed my cheek and then something kind of snapped in Skippy. He moved over to my mouth and planted a wet one there. I responded more than I meant to, and then remembered why I started this charade. Omigod! Ranj!
I pulled away so fast that Skippy got a surprised look. "Did I do it wrong?" he asked.
I looked around frantically for Ranj. He was nowhere to be seen. "No! You did just fine! I'll be right back!" I said, and ran for the door, I was just about out the door and I saw him. He was sitting at the bar, behind another guy. I almost fell on the floor, I stopped so fast. I turned and walked to Ranj. Again, he gave me a hurt smile. "Was that for my benefit?" He asked.
"NO!" I said then, "Well -- yes -- but no!"
"You're sure of that, are you?" He almost drawled. I saw a hint of the old Ranj -- a playful smile playing on the edges of his mouth.
"Are you okay, Ranj?"
Back to the sad smile. "Are you?"
"No. Of course not."
"What's up?" Said Skippy, who had by now followed me to Ranj's stool at the bar.
"Oh! Ummm -- Skippy!"
"Hey, don't let me interrupt you guys!" said Ranj.
"There's nothing to interrupt - - yet." I said. "Ranj, this is Skip -- er -- Sarge Shipley." Skip, this is - "
All grins, Skippy said, "Well of course I KNOW who you are! Only the best pass receiver that Cerritos has had in all the time I've been around! I'm Skip Shipley." I gave him a strange look. "Sorry, Ben. But when you called me Skip, I liked it. Much better than Skippy! Haha!" He grabbed Ranj's hand and pumped his hand. Ranj's smile was shy and - - surprised.
"Nice to meet you Skip." Ranj's gaze traveled up and down Skip's 6'-4", slowing down slightly just below the middle.
I watched Ranj's eyes and couldn't help feeling jealous.
"Well, again, nice to meet you Skip. Maybe we'll see each other again sometime. I really need to go, now. See you, Benny."
Benny? He called me Benny. Is that significant? "I'll be right back, Skippy." I said. I caught up with Ranj. "Whats the hurry, boy scout? " I said.
"I don't -- er didn't -- I mean -- Ben, you're on a date. Don't leave him standing while you - "
"He's not a date, Ranj. We just came here together -- to see if we might meet someone."
"Oh. "Well, he sure as hell looked like a date form where I was standing."
"Ranj -- I'm sorry! I -- er -- saw you and freaked."
"Why -- um -- why would you freak?" He asked.
"I -- dunno. NO! I do know but - "
"Were you trying to make me jealous?"
"NO!" I exclaimed. "Well -- not exactly. I just -- I guess I just wanted to give you the impression that -- that -- I was with Skippy."
"Uh -- it worked. It worked so well that now I'm confused why you decided to -- tell me anyway!" He was getting irritated.
"I said I was sorry. It was stupid. It's just that," I thought for a moment, "I didn't want you to leave -- tonight -- thinking I don't still have feelings for you."
"Oh. Do you?"
"DUH!"
"Ben, I have to tell you something. I have been -- miserable -- more miserable than I ever thought possible -- since you -- um -- since we broke up. And to see what I saw -- with you and skip -- hurt me -- badly! If you still have feelings for me, and I can't see how you couldn't -- then I have equal -- at least -- feelings for you. Why did we break up then?"
"Because you're not ready to be out and I -- truthfully -- can't promise I will always keep your secret. I mean -- I would never out you on purpose, but -- when you feel intimidated -- because you think something that I said would put you under suspicion, you get violent. I just can't deal with that."
"Ben -- couldn't we at least try it for a little while longer -- to see if we can somehow work it out?"
I looked over into the door of the club, and saw inside, Skippy was standing in the exact place I had left him. He gave me the "what's up?" gesture with his hands.
"I just don't see how it would -- Ranj, two times you have pounded on me. It's just not fair to ask me to submit to that again."
"But -- Bull and his buddies -- are no longer on the team. They've been suspended from the team until this assault and battery charge is satisfied."
"What do you mean, satisfied?" I asked.
"Until they are either found guilty -- or not."
"Well, anyway -- how does that change anything for us?"
"I -- just -- I dunno. I don't think I'd be as -- um -- violent if it weren't for those guys. Ben?" He whined. "Please -- just come home with me tonight -- and we can talk about it some more and -- stuff."
I looked again over at Skippy and then back to Ranj, "Ranj, everything in my body is telling me to go with you! But everything from the neck up is crying `NO!!!' I just dunno what to do!"
"I'll show you what to do." He said. He stepped closer and wrapped me in his arms. I struggled, but only a little. He placed his kips on mine. Again, I struggled a little, but my heart wasn't in agreement with that sentiment. I kissed him back desperately. I was just closing my eyes, when my peripheral vision picked up Skip, stopping abruptly, almost out the door.
"I -- need to go tell -- Skip -- that -- I -- where are your parents? I thought they wouldn't leave you alone any more."
"My mom has softened my dad a little on that point at least. Not on the gay issue, but at least he concedes that I'm a big boy now, and he can't be here to watch over me -- all the time. Besides, my dad's really in to cricket, and there is a match he doesn't want to miss. He'll stop everything to go watch a cricket game, but that ass hole won't come see me play football!
He sounded both pissed - and hurt.
"I'll tell Skip that we're going."
"Oh, Skip! I forgot about him! No -- don't! He'll be disappointed."
"Maybe he'll find someone for himself. That's why we came!" I said.
"Wait. Follow me." While I followed him back inside the club, he said, Do you think he'd like someone a little older?"
"I KNOW he would. How much older?" I asked.
"How much older does he like?"
"About -- you know, I don't know! I only know he likes older guys."
We found Skip. He was looking kind of lost. "Looks like you have found someone." Skip said to me.
"Skip, I want you to meet someone." Said Ranj.
Ranj led us to a secluded booth. "Ray -- I want you to meet a couple friends of mine." The man who was sitting there -- alone with a cup of coffee -- looked up."
"MR. REMINGTON!" Said Skip. Ray Remington looked horrified.
"Oh you two have met?" Said Ranj. "Cool. Sit down, Skip, I think you'll find that you have something in common with Ray."
Both men were red as beets. "Mr. Remington, I didn't know - " started Skip.
"Yeah -- me neither. Sit down Skip. You need some counsel too?" He said looking back up to Ranj.
"Mr. Remington is my counselor and the guy I have been commiserating with."
"Commiserating?" Said Skip. "I don't understa - "
"Have a seat, and I think we both will understand." Said Mr. Remington.
By the time Ranj and I left the club, Skip and Ray were laughing and flirting. Ranj told me that Ray Remington is a psychology professor at another college. He met him a week ago at this very club. Ray had been dumped by a very young guy that he was infatuated with. Ray is 42. But he's only attracted to young guys. He's a really good looking guy, with thinning brown hair.. Well, at least Skip is a couple years older than Ray's ex.
We looked back once more and Ranj said, "Let's go home!"
Notes: Young love! Don't you just love it? Don't you just want to cry for them? Comments as always are welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve