Hi Everyone! This is my second attempt at a story. If you enjoy it, my other story is called 'Whispering Your Name'. It is a *NSYNC tale. I hope you enjoy both.
Please send me an email and let me know what you think. Email at thumper1561@hotmail.com.
Legal Stuff
This story is fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of the celebrities mentioned or any personal knowledge about their private lives.
I do not know the true sexuality of any of the Backstreet Boys or any other celebrities mentioned in this story. If you are offended by homosexual material, then, this story isn't for you. And what in the world are you doing here in the first place!!!!!!!
Chapter Two ...Being Lonely
AJ had completed his first week in rehab and was 'rewarded' by getting telephone privileges. Since there was no one he wanted to speak to, he was less than thrilled at the news. When he looked in the mirror though, he did notice the difference. His eyes were less glazed over than before and the circles under his eyes were going away. He was moving with less effort and he didn't protest when Nurse Danny took him to the gym for a workout. After showering, he felt almost human. He was even beginning to be able to look at food without retching. He was pretty sure another patient had tried to hit on him, not the most attractive character, but still it boosted his ego a bit. The dark cloud around this silver lining for AJ was that Alex was stirring. Goody two-shoes Alex with his dreams of love and a family and a home, AJ could spit. He glanced at the clock and saw he was late for his session.
Doctor Goldman was on the phone. "Yes Kevin, I understand your impatience but as I told you yesterday, seeing you must be in the best interest of my patient. Yes, yes, I will tell him."
The door opened and AJ swung in. The doctor noticed the improvements in AJ's appearance and mood. "What's up Doc?"
"Mr. Richardson called again this morning. He seems very determined to see you." The doctor observed AJ's reaction closely.
"No interest.", he answered breezily.
"What does Alex say?", the doctor shot back.
"Look Doc, I don't know if you're trying to imply that I'm schizo or got some kinda 'Sybil' thing goin' on here, but if so, you're the crazy one!"
"I'm not implying anything of the sort, although it's interesting that you jump to that conclusion."
AJ hesitated. "I'm not some wacko."
"I didn't say you were."
"Then what did you say?"
The doctor leaned back. "It's my job to observe. One thing I have observed about you is that AJ and Alex have different characteristics. AJ and Alex walk differently, talk differently, sit differently, they even breathe differently. AJ is brash, in-your-face, and frequently out to be annoying." AJ grinned. "Alex is quiet, polite, and very subdued."
"So, you do think I'm 'Sybil'."
"No, I think AJ is a character, a front that Alex is putting forward. It's not deep- seated enough to be an actual separate personality."
AJ mulled this over for a bit.
"Why did you come here?"
"To get off the booze and pills."
"Yes, but that's hardly what AJ would want, is it? AJ loves to party and the booze and pills go hand-in-hand with that."
AJ was getting a bit defensive. "It was interfering with my voice. It was hurting my career."
"True, but I can't see AJ being devastated by that. After all, if you were done with your career, that would only leave more time for partying, right?"
"I couldn't take it anymore.", whispered Alex.
The doctor examined his patient's changed demeanor. "So Alex, what do you feel about Mr. Richardson's determination to see you?"
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"Because."
The doctor lifted his eyebrows delicately.
"Because, I..." AJ stiffened up. Because he's got no business being here."
The doctor noted the shift. "Would you mind if I spoke to Mr. Richardson?"
"No skin off my nose."
The doctor wrapped up the session and ordered his nurse to place a call to the hotel where Kevin Richardson was staying.
In the safety of his room, Alex grabbed a pillow and hugged it close. His heart was pounding. He hadn't admitted his feelings for Kevin in very long time. Saying it out loud would make it real. He was filled with a longing for the past. The scent of the orange blossoms from Kevin's flowers invaded his senses. It brought back the feeling of Kevin's arms around him, his wonderful scent after they made love, those long, surprisingly delicate fingers stroking his face and chest. AJ found himself with his first woodie in several months. He wanted to be made love to. He wanted to feel Kevin inside him again. Then reality came crashing back down, he never would. AJ refused to cry. 'I'll never let them see how much it hurts.', he had vowed when Kevin had dumped him. He wasn't ready to break that promise now.
Kevin had raced to the facility upon getting the doctor's message. After an impatient wait of twenty minutes, he was ushered into the doctor's office.
"Welcome." Dr. Goldman was aware again of the tautness of Kevin's presence. He looked as if you could shatter him with a touch.
Kevin looked around. "Where's Alex?"
"Excellent question. I'm hoping you can help me find him.", the doctor smiled.
"I don't understand. Has he run away?"
"No, no. Perhaps if you'd sit down."
Kevin took a low-slung chair. It was clearly an awkward fit for his long legs.
The doctor cleared his throat. "So that you understand, AJ has agreed to let me speak to you. I can't violate doctor/client privilege but I can share some general information about his recovery. In return, I'm hoping you'll be able to answer some questions for me."
Kevin nodded. "Fine."
Dr. Goldman took out a fresh yellow pad. "First off, let me assure you that AJ's drying out process is almost complete. He had a very rough few days but he's turned the corner. He's keeping down solid food, which is crucial, and the physical symptoms are mostly gone."
Kevin brightened. "That's great."
"Yes, but the physical is only a part of what we need to heal here. And not always the most important part. AJ's drug and alcohol abuse are only a symptom. We need to find out what is causing him to turn to drugs and alcohol. He's been self-medicating a severely depressed state. I'd like you to help me fill in some background."
Kevin considered. "Well, his family life was none too stable.."
Dr. Goldman stopped him with his hand. "I'll discuss his family life with the mother when she visits. I'm interested in your connection to Alex."
Kevin braced himself. "What has Alex told you?"
"Very little. That's why we're here."
Kevin seemed to retreat inside himself for a moment, then held his head up. "We were lovers."
The doctor nodded.
"It started in Europe, on a tour. We were thrown together constantly. We roomed together. He was the closest person in the world to me. One night we were alone on a street in Amsterdam. Two guys walked by holding hands and kissed. They seemed so happy. We looked at each other...and kissed." The memory still held both magic and pain for Kevin. "We didn't tell the others. We didn't tell anyone. It was a secret world we shared together." Kevin stared at the doctor. "I was never happier."
"Then what happened?"
"Brian, my cousin who's in the band, found out about us. He comes from a real fundamentalist family. Homosexuals are sinners, damned to hell, that sort of thing. He started in on me. He threatened to tell my family. Then he told our manager at the time, Lou. He freaked that if the press found out, our careers would be over before they even began." Kevin asked for a glass of water. "I guess I chickened out. Everyone and everything seemed against us. I started spending less time with Alex. I know...I hurt him. We started fighting...I guess I picked most of the fights to keep us apart. Then I met Kristin. She was beautiful and seemed sweet and she was everything I was told I was supposed to want. The more I pushed Alex away, the wilder and wilder he got. He started flaunting it in my face, telling me about what and who did. Roadies, groupies, other acts that were traveling with us, I hated it. I hated him, I thought. I couldn't even be alone in a room with him. It was like we couldn't stop hurting each other. It drove me even further away from him and toward Kristin. The night he told me he had slept with three porn stars was the night I proposed to Kristin. We've been married a little over a year and I knew watching her come up the aisle, it was the biggest mistake I had ever made." Kevin dropped his head in his hands. "I saw his face. I destroyed him. His drinking and coke use just blew up. I wanted to reach out to him but I couldn't. It was too late. The saddest thing is that I love him now more than ever, and I made it impossible for us to be together."
Dr. Goldman let him gather himself before proceeding. "Both of you may share responsibility Kevin. However, right now our concern is for Alex's recovery."
"Of course." Kevin wiped his cheeks. He had shed a few tears during his confession.
"I think you and Alex need to make peace. Alex must come to grips with this relationship if he is to move forward. Correct me if I am wrong, but your careers are intertwined. You will be a a part of each other's lives forever."
"For a long time, yes."
"Then, if he is to remain sober and stay in the band, he must reconcile this relationship."
"I'll do anything."
"Good. The first thing you must do is decide what YOU want the relationship to be."
Kevin was taken aback. "I'm married now..."
"And you've never heard of divorce?"
"We lost what we had."
"Yes you did, but I just heard you say that you knew your marriage was a mistake and that you loved him more than ever. I can't tell you what to do or what choices are right for your life, but I would strongly suggest you think about what you said. If you want Alex back in your life, it might be possible eventually, but I say this emphatically, it can only be if you are committed to it. Doing otherwise would only cause him more damage and lead to further problems."
Kevin looked lost.
Dr. Goldman stood. "You've been most helpful, Mr. Richardson. I suggest that you take a week by yourself to decide what you really want then return here. Perhaps then, Alex will be ready to see you."
Kevin thanked the doctor and left in a daze. He had believed that his life with Alex was over but now...
AJ headed for group in his usual sullen mood. He took his seat in the circle and slouched as low as he dared without falling off completely. He glanced around the room and saw an interesting face. The guy was in his mid-to-late twenties with dark hair, brown eyes, and as AJ's eyes traveled south, a killer body. He was wearing a tight white tee and jeans, pretty standard uniform here but on him it looked particularly sexy. AJ straightened up a bit and tried to catch the guy's eye but he was staring intently at his shoe laces. As the group made their self-introductions, AJ kept an eye peeled. "I'm Richard...and I'm an alcoholic." Polite applause, then silence as the newcomer clearly wasn't going to share more. The group leader began the discussion but AJ focused his attention on Richard. Richard paid close attention to all the speakers but didn't share himself. After group finished, AJ wandered in Richard's direction.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"I'm AJ."
"I'm Richard."
AJ waited, even here in group they knew he was a Backstreet Boy. Patients were always curious about celebrities. Richard nodded, smiled and left the room. A furious AJ could feel all his prima donna instincts being ignited. "I WILL NOT BE IGNORED.' he thought grimly as he followed Richard out of the room.
He caught up with him in the hall. "So, new here?"
Richard stopped and answered politely. "Yes, I checked in three days ago."
AJ pulled a face. "Man, those first few days are killers. I was dead to the world. How are you doin'?"
"I haven't thrown up since breakfast, so I guess that's progress."
AJ laughed. "Abso-fuckin'-lutely."
Richard smiled and turned to head to his room.
"What's the hurry?"
Richard stopped again. "No hurry, I just want to lay down. I'm pretty tired."
"I hear that. Tell you what though, this place has a beautiful view from the terraces. They've got chairs and those lay-out things. Trust me, the fresh air does you good."
Richard considered it for a moment. "Sounds good. Lead the way."
AJ smothered what the other 'Boys' referred to as his 'shit-eating grin' and walked Richard out to the terrace. They settled on a couple of lawn chairs and AJ began his patter. "So, what do you do in the real world?"
"I'm a teacher. I teach at a school for the deaf."
"That's cool. I'm a singer."
"That must be fun."
"Sometimes." AJ waited for a follow-up question but none was forthcoming. "So, how did you end up here?"
Richard shaded his eyes. "I'm still trying to figure out that one myself. How about you?"
"Needed to clean up from the road." AJ was sure this would be the opener, but Richard ignored it.
"I guess I'm here because of someone I met."
"Huh?" AJ, trying to figure out his next move hadn't been paying attention.
"I'm here because of someone I met. I was in a pretty bad relationship and...well...after it was over and I tried to figure out why I stayed in it so long, I realized that being drunk most of the time had helped. So after I got out of the hospital, I came here."
"Hospital?"
"I had three broken ribs, two black eyes, and a fractured wrist. Maybe you could sing it for me."
Alex looked at him closely. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything."
"No." Alex hesitated for a minute. He hated discussing his childhood. "My mom was with a guy once. He used to beat her up. I was real little and couldn't stop him. When I tried, he'd beat me too."
Richard said softly, "It wasn't your fault."
"I know, but whenever I hear...about shit like that, I just remember, that's all."
"Say AJ..."
"Call me Alex."
"Okay, Alex, how's your mom these days?"
"Better, we got some money now and she doesn't have to depend on anyone but me ever again."
"Good. Thanks for showing me this place. I was feeling pretty out of it in there."
"You're welcome."
Richard closed his eyes. "I think I'll take a nap. You're good guy Alex."
Alex sat watch over his new friend. He hadn't been a good guy in a long time.
Brian understood his cousin was miserable in his marriage. It had been painfully obvious the few times he and Leighanne had spent with them that Kevin and Kristin had little real rapport. So, it wasn't a total shock to him when Kristin called him with the news that Kevin had flown to AJ's rehab center. He had invited her over and sympathized with her but hadn't enlightened her to the real reason why Kevin would desert his wife to follow AJ. Brian was uncomfortable with Kevin's "issues" as he liked to refer to his cousin's bisexuality. The fact that Kevin could function as a "normal" man with Kristin proved to Brian that the relationship with AJ had just been a phase. After all, everyone was human, everyone made mistakes, what was important was to fit into the mold in which he had been raised. He had had "experiences" of his own in the past. That was where they belonged, in the past. He encouraged Kristin to be patient and sent her off with Leighanne. He sighed to himself because he knew it was his duty to bring Kevin back to the path of the "straight and narrow", a self-appointed duty to be sure, but one he wasn't about to shirk. He began checking into flights.
When Richard woke up, he found Alex had covered him with a blanket. As he fingered it, he heard Alex tell him, "It gets surprisingly chilly here when the sun sets." Richard nodded and stretched. His tee shirt rode up and revealed a dusting of black hair around his belly button and a sexy "treasure trail" that disappeared into his jeans. Alex looked away."Are you hungry?"
Richard contemplated his stomach for a moment. "I don't think I better."
Alex shook his head in sympathy, "I've been there, but they have some killer grape Jell-o if you get to the hall early enough." He grinned. "It almost tastes real."
Richard laughed, "Sounds acceptable. Maybe I'll try it."
Alex led him to the dining hall. They picked up trays and Alex grabbed the last grape Jell-o for Richard. "Thanks man."
"No problem."
As they ate, Richard looked at Alex. "You said you were a singer, right?"
"Yeah."
"What do you sing?"
Alex considered the question for a moment. "I love the musical theatre. I love Broadway, the old Hollywood musicals, all that shit."
"Have you ever been on Broadway?"
"Nah, never made it that far."
"Yet.", said Richard.
"Yet.", agreed Alex with a smile.
"Maybe I could hear you sing sometime?"
"Maybe."
"What, do I have to stand on my head or something?"
Alex's smile widened, "Or something."
Richard finished his Jell-o and leaned back in his chair. "Or something, indeed."
TBC...
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