Author's Note:
Well here goes nothing. This is my first story for all to read. Hopefully you'll find it interesting to say the least, and keep up with it. All of your comments and criticisms are appreciated. Please let me know what you think of the story.
E-mail me at: rtstories@hotmail.com
Boybands forum next weekend...hope to see yall there!!!
I usually leave the Thank You's for later, but this is an exception. I recently read the latest installment of "Brian and Me" by DLS.
(If you haven't read the story yet, I highly recommend that you do.) DLS was kind enough to mention this story in the tagline of his. I wanted to take this time to thank him for that because, as I've told him before, his story was my inspiration to write "Because I Love You." I just wanted to let everyone know this.
Legal Disclaimer:
This work is purely fiction. It is purely derived from the mind of the author and in no way dictates the sexual orientation of any of the Back Street Boys. Only in my mind do I really believe that they're gay and in love with me. Any similarities to real life or to someone's life is purely coincidental. It contains homosexual subject matter. If you're not into that, why not??? Gay porn/erotica is way hotter than heterosexual porn!!! Do not read any further if you are under the legal age for viewing this material in your country, state, province, city, town, suburb, home, shack, hole in the wall, or cardboard box!!!
End of Chapter 5
"Definitely. Okay, I have to go now. Check your e-mail tonight for the info. I can't wait to see you." Brian said.
"Me too." Ewan answered equally excited.
"Alright. Talk to you later then. Bye." Brian said.
"Bye." Ewan answered as he was about to hang up the phone.
"Oh, and Ewan." Ewan heard Brian's voice come through the phone again.
"Yeah Bri?"
"Thanks...for everything." Brian said.
"Anytime bro, anytime." Brian heard Ewan say as they both hung up the phone.
Because I Love You By: Lucas
Chapter 6
Ewan decided against going back to sleep, after the emotional phone conversation he had just had with Brian. He was excited about going to New York tomorrow, and looked forward to seeing Brian and Nick again. As much as he was overcome by excitement, he was also worried about what he'd find once he got there. He knew he needed to find out more details from Nick. In a way, Brian and the others were counting on him.
Ewan stood from his bed, and walked over to the desk where his computer sat. He sat down in front of the monitor and turned it on. As the screen came to life before him, he began to log-in to the University's e-mail system. Just as he hoped, there was an e-mail from Nick, and surprisingly one from his roommate who was on Spring Break. He opted to read Nick's first. He braced himself for the worst, after witnessing Brian's breakdown on the telephone. He clicked on Nick's e-mail and began to read it.
To: Ewan edm205@michu.edu
From: Nick blondie948@aol.com
Date: Friday, March 19, 1999 07:35:23 EST
Subject: I need to bend your ear a bit...
Ewan...
Hey dude...what's up??? I got your last e-mail and decided to take your advice, and stop whining. I need your help on something that's been eating at me for a while now. Before I tell you what it is, I need you to understand that I never intended for this to happen...it just kinda sprung up on me. I've tried to will it away, but I guess it doesn't work that way. No matter what I do, or what I try, it's still there. It's gotten so bad now, that sometimes I can't sleep at night. First, I want you to get it out of your mind that I may be blowing this out of proportion. I know you always say that I do that, but this time it's different. This is tearing me up inside.
Alright, I know that you're thinking I'm beating around the bush, so here goes. You asked for it...don't say I didn't warn you...here it is...the details...
I'm in Love.
There, I've said it. That was surprisingly easy. It was difficult for me to admit it to myself, but now comes the hard part.
I've fallen for someone who's very close to me. I can't even begin to explain how I feel. Every time I see them, my heart starts to race and I get this feeling deep down in the pit of my stomach that I can't explain. I can't eat. I can't sleep. From the moment I wake up, they're the first person I think of; before I go to bed, they're the last. I think about them so much, that I have trouble concentrating on anything. The other day I almost fell off stage, thinking about this person. I know you're going to think I'm corny for saying this, but I'm going to say it anyway. When I'm around them, it feels like time stops. I forget everything around me, I forget that everyone's around me, and sometimes I even forget my name. What I don't get, is despite all of these feelings of love that I have, I feel pain more than I feel love.
I can't tell this person that I love them. I don't understand the use of having all of these awesome feelings of love, if I can't share it with anyone, especially the person that I've fallen in love with. Every time I'm around them, I just want to let it all out. I want to scream I LOVE YOU, but I can't. I've lost count of how many times I've thought about telling them, but I keep telling myself that it will never work out, because it never will...it can't.
It's killing me Ewan. I don't know what to do. It hurts not being able to tell the person how I feel, but it will hurt more if I break up the band. That's the reason why I can't tell anyone how I feel. I'm afraid I'll lose my career, and more importantly the guys, if they find out.
I'm afraid they'll get mad at me and never speak to me again. I can't...no, I WON'T break up the band. I won't be selfish, and I won't be responsible for ruining all of their lives, just because of some feeling that I have.
Even if I do tell them, I would have just wasted my time, and jeopardized everything. I would lose this person's friendship, the guys friendship, and possibly even yours. As much as it hurts to keep this to myself, it'll hurt me even more to lose everything, and everyone.
I don't understand any of this Ewan. I don't understand how I feel. I don't understand why I feel this way. If I'm in love, then why do I feel like shit!!! I've had all of this bottled up, and more, and I just needed to let some of it out...sorry you were the one it had to happen to, but you asked...and I trust you.
Please, please, please don't tell anyone what's going on. I know they're worried, but they can't find out. I need your help. Please tell me what's happening to me...
Nick
Ewan reread the e-mail over and over, making sure he understood every word, that made up every sentence, that Nick wrote. He empathized with Nick's feelings, but didn't understand what the problem was, when he broke down the situation Nick described. Ewan thought over his response, and after just a few minutes of thinking, he typed out his response. He hit the reply button, wondering what Nick would write next.
When Ewan's inbox came back onto the screen, he clicked on Jim's message, and began to read it.
To: "Obi-wan Kenobi" edm205@michu.edu
From: James Anthony Greenwood jag211@michu.edu
Date: Thursday, March 18, 1999 20:34:00 EST
Subject: Safe in NYC
Hey Ewan, I thought I'd just drop you a line to let you know that I got to New York safe and sound. I'm gonna go out tonight to try and get my mind off of Ethan. By the way, if that asshole calls, tell him he can go FUCK himself for all I care. I never want to hear from him again. You don't need to reply to this, I'll just give you a call in the morning. Just wanted to let you know that I'm OK and not to worry.
Jim
Seeing that he didn't have any other e-mails to respond to, Ewan stood from his desk. Still feeling drained from all the early morning activity, he decided to return to bed. He thought it would be best, if he took a quick nap before he started packing. If Nick's e-mail was any indication of what he would have to face when he gets to New York, he'd need all the rest he could get.
Brian stepped out of his room, dressed in track pants and a t-shirt, ready for rehearsal. He had wanted to get more rest before rehearsal, but instead he spent most of his morning talking to Marc and management, about Ewan joining them for a week. He had just finalized the plans for Ewan's arrival. Because Marc was busy with the preparations for that night's show, Brian had to do most of the planning himself. He thought to himself that it was worth it, if it meant Nick's happiness. Brian hoped everything would return to normal once Ewan was around.
He checked his watch, and saw that he was already running late. Brian rushed to the elevator, wanting to get downstairs. Once he arrived, he walked towards the room where rehearsals were being held, but was stopped, when he heard A.J. call out to him. He turned around and saw A.J. running towards him.
"Hey Brian, Wait up." A.J. called from down the hall.
Brian waited for A.J. to catch up to him. "What's up A.J.? Are ya feeling better?" Brian asked.
"Yeah. I'm still a little sore, but nothing a good workout with Fatima won't cure." A.J. joked. "So, did you get a chance to talk to Ewan?"
"Yeah. I called him, and we talked for a little bit." Brian answered.
"What did he say? Did he tell you anything about Nick?" A.J. eagerly asked.
"He told me what he could, which wasn't much. I told you guys he doesn't talk about what people tell him." Brian said.
"A'ight. Point taken. So, what did he say?" A.J. pressed on.
"Well, he said that he has been in contact with Nick, but Nick hasn't given him any specifics. He did notice, from Nick's e-mails, that something was wrong. So, he's been trying to get Nick to open up, but so far he hasn't had any luck." Brian said as he saw A.J. frown at the lack of information he had been able to get.
"But, he did say he was still waiting on an e-mail from Nick. I woke him up pretty early, so he hadn't checked to see if Nick replied yet. So, I guess there is some hope."
"At least Nick's talking to him. We'll just have to hope Ewan can help, but in the meantime, I think we should figure out something we can do to help Nick ourselves." A.J. said.
"I guess." Brian answered hesitantly. "Ewan should be able to help him though."
"Probably..." A.J. answered bewildered at Brian's lack of enthusiasm. "I'm just saying we should have a plan of our own, just in case Ewan can't help."
"I guess."
"Gee Brian, are you always this enthusiastic when it comes to helping one of us out?" A.J. asked sarcastically.
"No, its not that..." Brian tried to defend himself, "...trust me, I do want to help Nick. That's why I think we should wait until Ewan says something. If we double team Nick, and he feels pressured, I'm afraid he'll seclude himself even more."
"I hear what you're saying. I don't want to alienate him either, but like you said, Ewan won't say anything to you or us, and either way, he's too far away to help. That's why I think we should do something ourselves." A.J. reasoned.
Just as Brian was about to speak, he saw the elevator doors open behind A.J. He saw Nick step out just as the doors closed behind him. Brian's inattentiveness caught A.J.'s attention, and caused him to turn around. Nick walked towards the two, who were now staring at him. From their stares, and sudden silence upon his arrival, Nick reasoned that they must have been talking about him.
'Do they know?' Nick thought to himself. 'Do they know about last night? They must have figured out I didn't come back to the hotel until this morning.' Nick continued to think to himself. As he walked down the hall, Nick grew uncomfortable, as he noticed they were still watching him. Their eyes made Nick feel as if he had done something wrong, and he had been found out. He desperately wanted to know what Brian and A.J. knew, or what they were talking about, before he interrupted them. He was curious to see if one of them would bring up the subject.
"Hey guys." Nick said. "Why are you staring? Do I have something hanging from my nose or something?" Nick nervously joked, as he rubbed his nose.
"Huh? No...Um...No, there's nothing on your nose." Brian stumbled his answer. "Sorry, didn't mean to stare." Brian apologized, as he blushed with guilt.
A.J. scoffed at Brian's inability to hide his guilt, about the fact that they were talking about Nick. "We were just surprised to see you , that's all. We don't see you around much nowadays." A.J. remarked, blatantly commenting on Nick's latest absence.
"Surprised?" Nick questioned. "We do have rehearsal now don't we?"
Brian and A.J. nodded.
"Okay, so you shouldn't be surprised to see me then. Besides, what are you talking about not seeing me around? I was just at breakfast this morning." Nick answered back.
"I know you were at breakfast. I just meant to say we missed you last night. You missed out on a lot of fun." A.J said, followed by a short pause before he spoke again. "By the way, what did you do last night?" A.J. asked as Brian shot him a questioning look. He wasn't sure what A.J. was doing, but he knew he didn't like where he was going.
Nick started to panic when A.J.'s last question registered in his head. He hadn't thought about an alternate answer from the truth, to that question. He was caught off guard, and didn't know what to say. He was afraid if he gave A.J. an unbelievable story, he would know for sure that he was lying. A.J. looked Nick in the eye, waiting for a response.
Brian wanted to step in to save Nick, but he was also curious to see what Nick would say. Nick stood there, knowing the longer he waited, the worse it would be. Just as he was about to answer, the door to the conference room opened, taking the attention off of Nick.
Kevin walked out of the conference room, and saw Brian and A.J. staring at Nick. A.J. had an expression of anger on his face, while Nick looked relieved at his intrusion. Kevin knew something was wrong. He made a mental note to talk to A.J. or Brian later. He'd have to find out what they were doing outside of the room. For now, he was on a mission. He was sent by Fatima, to find the three of them.
"Why are you guys standing out here? Rehearsal is inside the room." Kevin said sarcastically. "Fatima sent me out to look for the three of you. We better get inside before she gets pissed." Kevin said.
Nick was the first to answer. "Yeah. You're right. We should get inside." Nick said as he made his way towards the door. He knew A.J. would be mad at him for avoiding his question, but he needed more time to come up with a believable answer.
Nick walked by Kevin, and gave him a look that said "Thanks," before he walked into the room. A.J. and Brian could only watch as their chance to find out what Nick did last night, evaporate into thin air. The both of them looked at Kevin, who now had a confused look on his face, before they followed Nick inside.
"Finally, we can start. Thanks for stopping by." Fatima said as they walked in.
"Sorry." Nick apologized as he took his position next to Howie.
"We were just discussing something." A.J. said, as he eyed Nick, on his way to his position, on the other side of Howie.
"Discuss on your own time, not on mine. Now get in your places." Fatima said as she turned on the music. She yelled out some instructions, as the boys started dancing.
Fatima had the five of them dancing for two hours straight. She also blew up a few times, having to correct Nick. He was preoccupied with various thoughts, and once again had trouble paying attention and keeping up. Everyone was frustrated, especially Nick. The end of rehearsal couldn't come any sooner. As soon as the last song played, everyone collapsed on the ground. As they sat down to catch their breath, Kevin reminded them about their plans to meet Marc in half-an-hour. They grumbled at the reminder, as they stood up and made their way to the door.
Just as they were about to leave, Fatima spoke. "Nick...Stay." She commanded.
'What now?' Nick thought to himself, as he walked over to her.
The others looked back at Nick, felling like they were still in school, and Nick had been asked to stay behind by the teacher. After looking back, they started out the door again.
"We're meeting in half-an-hour Nick. Don't be late." Kevin shouted.
"What do you think that's about?" Howie asked, as soon as they were in the hallway.
They started walking towards the elevator when Kevin spoke up. "I don't know, but it can't be good. My guess is she's giving Nick shit for messin' up so much."
"I hope so." A.J. said.
"Gee A.J. that's sympathetic of you." Brian said.
"I'm serious." A.J. responded. "I'm telling you, whatever's bothering him, is affecting his performance. If he keeps this up, he's gonna be doing more than a nose-dive off stage. Didn't you guys notice how spaced out he was?" A.J. asked as they boarded the elevator.
Kevin pushed the button for their floor, and the doors closed. The four of them were silent when Kevin spoke up.
"Hey A.J., what were you guys talking about before I came out into the hall earlier?"
A.J. started to fill Kevin and Howie in on their conversation with Nick, as they rode up on the elevator. As they walked to their rooms, Kevin asked Brian about his conversation with Ewan, and he repeated the same information he gave A.J.
"You wanted to see me Fatima?" Nick asked.
"Yeah. I do." Fatima answered as she was packing up her bag.
"What's up?"
"Why don't you tell me. Obviously, you think something else is more important than your performance because you've been fucking up a lot lately." Fatima said tersely.
"Sorry." Nick said as he hung his head, not being able to look directly at Fatima.
"I didn't ask for an apology Nick." Fatima said toning down the anger in her voice. She noticed Nick was hurting, and her sarcasm only made the situation worse. She took her hand and extended it towards Nick's face, and placed it under his chin. She lifted his head, forcing him to look at her. When their eyes met, she saw that Nick's eyes were starting to water. It was then that she realized he was in more pain than she originally thought.
"I'm not trying to be mean, Nick. I'm worried about you. You could have seriously gotten hurt, if you fell into the crowd at the last concert. You have no idea how scared I was when I saw you trip and almost fall. If you hadn't caught your balance..."Fatima said with concern. "I'm just glad you weren't hurt. I'd hate to lose my favorite Backstreet Boy."
Nick smiled at her comment. He wiped away what was left of the forming tears in his eyes.
"Now, do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" Fatima asked.
"Not really. It's a long story, and I'm supposed to meet Marc soon." Nick answered.
"Fine. I can respect that." Fatima started, "Just please promise me you'll pay more attention to your dancing tonight. I don't want to have to rechoreograph all of your routines to include you in a wheelchair."
"I promise." Nick responded with a smile.
"Good. Now get out of here before you're late again." Nick nodded, and started to leave.
"Nick." Fatima said getting his attention. Nick turned around to face her again. "If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me."
Nick walked back towards Fatima, and gave her a hug.
"Thanks." Nick whispered in her ear.
"There's a lot of people out there who care about you, including me. Although I'm a hardass at times, don't ever forget that I do care about you." Fatima responded.
In all the years Nick knew Fatima, she had never been this emotional. In their minds, they knew she always cared for them, although she never outwardly showed it. Hearing Fatima express her feelings was different from just knowing they existed. It caused Nick to tighten his hug on her. Nick knew how special her words were, and appreciated them. He thanked her again before he made his way out of the conference room.
Once he stepped into the elevator, Nick leaned against the back wall and slid down. He sat on the floor, resting his head on his knees. He sighed, thinking about what Fatima had said. Nick knew he'd have to be extra careful during tonight's concert. As he rode up to his floor, the events of the past few days flooded his mind. He thought about A.J.'s questions, and could only hope Ewan would be able to provide some answers. Nick knew he'd have to do something soon, or else everything would fall apart around him.
As soon as the elevator stopped, Nick stood up and walked through the sliding doors. He made his way towards his room. The minute he opened the door, Nick rushed over to the laptop sitting on the table. He turned it on, hoping to find a reply from Ewan.
He finished logging-on to his e-mail, and found a message from Ewan. He clicked on it, and began to read.
To: Nicky blondie948@aol.com
From: Ewan David McGovern edm205@michu.edu
Date: Friday, March 19, 1999 10:13:54 CST
Subject: Re: I need to bend your ear a bit...
Nicky? In Love?
I don't get it...usually this is the part where I say "CONGRATULATIONS!!!" but it just doesn't seem like the right thing to say, after reading your e-mail.
First of all, I don't get why you'd think I'd stop talking to you for falling in love. I'm happy for you. I think finding someone you can have all of those feelings for is the greatest thing. You deserve it. She'd be a lucky girl to have Nick Carter as her boyfriend. I know this is the first time you've fallen for someone, and that you're scared, but you make it sound so morbid. What's the deal? I know you said not to think this, but I really do think your blowing things out of proportion.
Why would you think going out with a girl you love will hurt your career, or that they guys would hate you for it? I don't see the logic in that, unless this girl is someone in your management. If that's the case, I have to give you mad props for going for an older lady. Can you say "The Graduate?" I don't think this will ruin your career either unless you're in love with Mandy Moore, cause she's like fifteen. That's my sister's age, and there's no way I'd let you date my sister!!!
Like I said, she'd be lucky to have you as a boyfriend. If you're worried about her not returning the feelings, I can't help you there, but I'm pretty confident this girl will. So, I don't see what the problem is. I'm not going to tell you that you should tell her, that's up to you. But I can tell you're agonizing over this, so I say spare yourself the grief of not knowing, and tell her. If she doesn't feel the same way...just remember I'll still be here to talk to you.
Ewan
Nick was frustrated after reading the e-mail. He hoped Ewan would have understood, and offered up some advice that would help, but he didn't. 'How could he?' Nick thought, 'He doesn't know everything. He doesn't understand. He even thinks I'm in love with a girl.'
Nick cringed every time he read the word "her" or "she." It reminded him even more of how much easier things would be if he wasn't gay. He needed to clear things up for Ewan. Nick wanted to write back to try and explain the situation more, but he checked his watch and saw he only had ten minutes left before he had to meet the guys. He'd have to find time later to write back, so he decided to bring his laptop with him to the concert. Nick shut down his computer and packed it up along with several other things he'd need for tonight. He ran into the bathroom to take a quick shower.
Everyone stood in the hallway outside of their rooms. Marc had just arrived, ready to take them to the venue where the concert was being held. Everyone was there waiting for Nick.
"Where's Nick?" Marc asked.
"He's probably running late again." Kevin answered.
"Can somebody go get him? We need to be there by five." Marc said looking at his watch.
"I'll go." Brian volunteered. "You guys go ahead. We'll meet you at the limo."
"Alright. Let's head out. Don't take too long Brian."
"We won't." Brian said as he picked up his backpack and made his way towards Nick's room. Once he got to the door, Brian knocked and called out Nick's name. He heard Nick shout from inside.
"It's open." Nick yelled, as Brian opened the door.
"Nick, you ready yet? They're already downstairs." Brian asked into the empty room.
"Yeah. I'm just putting on my shirt." Nick said walking out of the bathroom.
"Well, you better hurry up."
"I'm done. Just need to put on my shoes." Nick said, looking for his shoes. He found them and put them on. "There. All done."
"Good. Let's go." Brian said.
" 'Kay " Nick said grabbing his jacket and backpack. "Hey, can you grab my laptop for me?" Nick asked as Brian walked towards the door.
"Sure. What do you need it for?" Brian asked.
"I just wanna do some writing before the concert."
Brian grabbed the laptop bag, and made his way towards the door. He held it open for Nick and held out the leather laptop bag.
"Thanks." Nick said grabbing the bag.
"No prob. Let's go before Kevin has a fit." Brian said closing the door.
When the others arrived downstairs, they were greeted by a large number of screaming fans. Usually they took time to sign autographs, but not today. Instead they were ushered by Marc and security to the awaiting limousines. Once inside, Kevin, A.J., and Howie sat back waiting for Brian and Nick.
"They better get here soon." Kevin said loudly trying to overcome the overwhelming screams coming from outside. "Nick knows better than to be late on a show day."
They sat in silence for a few minutes, before they heard a resurgence of screams from outside.
"Finally." A.J. said. "I hope they get mobbed."
"Play nice, A.J." Kevin said.
The door to the limousine opened, and Brian and Nick climbed inside. The others slid over in their seats, making room for the two. As soon as the door closed, they began to move.
"Sorry guys, I kinda lost track of time." Nick tried to apologize, but got no response from the others. He knew they were mad. Nick was saddened by their silence, but he was used to it. He didn't like it, but this was how things were lately. He sat back, and resigned to looking out the window.
On the opposite side of the limousine, away from Nick, A.J. sat with his sunglasses on, looking out the other window. He sat thinking about Nick's irresponsibility, and lack of concentration as of late. As much as he was angry at the distance Nick created, he was more concerned about what Nick was going through. He thought back on his conversation with Kevin. 'What if Kevin is right about Nick? If he is going through the same thing I did, then there's no way he's going to feel any better until he tells someone.' A.J. thought back on how miserable he felt, until Kevin confronted him. After having what A.J. now dubbed, "the talk" with Kevin, it was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders
A.J. looked over at Kevin, and caught his attention. A.J. smiled, thinking how supportive he was, and has been, since he told Kevin he was gay. After that night, A.J. thought his relationship with Kevin would change. It did, but for the better. They grew closer, and confided in each other. A.J. considered themselves just as close, or even closer than Brian and Nick's "Frick" and "Frack" personalities.
Kevin looked at A.J. wondering why he was smiling at him. He gave A.J. a confused look, and raised his eyebrow, silently asking A.J. 'What?' A.J. continued to smile, and mouthed the words 'Thank You' to Kevin. Kevin shrugged his shoulders, wondering why A.J. was thanking him. A.J. turned back towards the window and returned to his thoughts.
A.J. wished Nick would go, and talk to Kevin. He needed someone, but A.J. knew Kevin wouldn't be an option for Nick. Nick rarely went to Kevin for advice, or to talk. It was always Kevin who approached Nick to give him advice, although Nick hadn't asked for any, or it was always Kevin who initiated a serious conversation with Nick. Sure, Kevin was always hard on Nick, more so than the others, but that was only because Kevin loved Nick. He was always watching over him. At times, A.J. and the others found themselves jealous of the attention Nick received from Kevin. Kevin saw it as his duty, as the oldest, to watch over Nick. A.J thought about the parent/child relationship between the two, and understood why Nick wasn't able to talk to Kevin. Afterall, he never went to his own parents with any of his problems. A.J. thought, that was what his friends were for.
A.J. felt sorry for Nick, because he wasn't able to take advantage of Kevin's wisdom and kindness. A.J. knew he would have to make it his own personal mission to get Nick to open up, especially if he was gay. He was excited at the possibility of Nick being gay. If he was, they would have that in common, and would be able to talk to each other, and lean on each other for support when they needed it. Most importantly, A.J. thought, he would no longer be alone. But he wasn't sure. A.J. couldn't confront Nick, without the fear of him denying it, and thus driving him further away. He'd have to go about finding out whether or not Nick was gay, without making it seem as if he was forcing him out of the closet. A.J. thought, 'If only I had a sign.'
He continued to stare out the window. When the limousine came to a stop, the restaurant in front of him caught A.J.'s eye. He thought to himself how familiar it looked, but had trouble placing it.
"Hey A.J." Howie spoke up, as A.J. turned to face him. "This is where you and Brian puked last night."
"Really?" A.J. asked.
"Yeah. You probably don't recognize it, but I think you will if you stick your head out the window and bend over to look at the ground." Howie joked.
"Very funny, D." A.J. said.
As the limousine began to move again, A.J. looked back at the restaurant and realized why it looked so familiar. He didn't recognize it from vomiting there, but because he saw Nick there last night. Pictures of Nick standing in front of the dark restaurant, kissing another man, flashed through A.J.'s mind. It became clear to him as A.J. turned around in his seat to look at Nick. 'That's why you've been so distant. You are gay.' A.J. thought to himself, as he watched Nick's sleeping frame. 'I'm sorry I never saw it before.' A.J. mentally apologized to Nick.
The limousine came to a stop, and the door opened, signaling to everyone that they had arrived. The five of them, headed by Marc, walked into Madison Square Garden. Once inside, they were led by various people to wardrobe and make-up, in preparation for sound checks, and ultimately the show. It wasn't until after sound check that Nick was able to respond to Ewan's e-mail. He was about to log-on, when Brian came into the dressing room.
"Hey Nick, you gonna come to dinner with the rest of us?" Brian asked.
"Uh. Yeah. Sure. You go on ahead though, I'll catch up with you later. I need to do something real quick." Nick responded.
"Alright. We're in the lounge area. Food should be there in a few minutes."
"Okay." Nick said.
"Hey, are you using e-mail?" Brian asked noticing Nick and his laptop.
"Yeah."
"Can I use it after you? I need to e-mail something real quick." Brian asked.
"Yeah, no prob. It's all yours as soon as I'm done."
"Cool. I'll be in the lounge. Come get me when you're finished." Brian said as he made his way towards the door.
"Sure, I'll be there in a few minutes." Nick said, as Brian left the dressing room.
As soon as he was online, Nick opened Ewan's last e-mail and reread it. He hit the reply button and started typing. Nick tried in vain to explain the situation in more detail, without actually telling Ewan the whole story. It was difficult, and on occasion, he had to go back and erase the words 'he' or 'him.' He thought how much easier this would be if he could just "come out" to Ewan. After he was done, he logged off and made his way towards the lounge. A few minutes later, Brian walked into the dressing room carrying a plate of food in one hand, and a bottle of water in the other.
Brian picked up Nick's laptop and stared at the screen, when a thought occurred to him. He saw that it was ready to sign on under Nick's screen name. He contemplated logging on under Nick's name, and reading his e-mail correspondence for any information. He was especially interested in anything to, or from Ewan. He knew Nick's password, unless he had changed it recently, but he knew he would be betraying Nick's trust if he read his e-mails. Brian continued to sit and stare at the screen, as he wondered whether reading someone elses e-mails was considered a federal offense, just like postal fraud. He wrestled with himself, trying to come up with a good enough justification for breaking into Nick's personal, private, e-mail. He finally broke down, and decided to just do it. He told himself that he was doing this for Nick's sake, and if he did find anything useful from his snooping, he'd keep it to himself. He'd only use it to help Nick. Brian's jaded reasoning took over, as he began to type in Nick's password.
Brian heard the familiar log-in procedure of Nick's e-mail. The modem had made a connection, and he was moments away from gaining access to Nick's private thoughts, and feelings. The log-in procedure was about to finish executing when the door to the dressing room opened. Brian quickly panicked, and clicked on the 'close' button, in the upper-right hand corner of the screen. He was in, but didn't get a chance to read anything.
Brian looked towards the door and saw Nick walk in.
"Hey Nick." Brian said nonchalantly.
"Hey. I forgot something. Did you get into e-mail okay?" Nick asked.
"Huh?" Brian said as his heart started to race. "Um...Yeah...Just finishing up now."
"Alright. I'll see you in a few." Nick said as he grabbed the Discman from his backpack, and left the room.
Brian breathed in a sigh of relief at almost being caught. He decided against tempting fate, and logged on to his own e-mail account. After taking out his notes, Brian started writing his e-mail to Ewan. He wanted to be sure to include all of the information for Ewan's trip tomorrow. After a few minutes, he finished typing, and sent the message to Ewan. Brian shut down Nick's laptop and put it away. He left the dressing room to rejoin the others in the lounge.
"A.J., stop staring." Kevin admonished A.J. who sat across from him at a small table set up in the lounge area.
"What? I wasn't staring." A.J. answered back.
"Yes you were. Now stop it." Kevin said in a low whisper, slightly leaning over the table. "Nick's already under a lot of pressure, and your staring at him all night, isn't going to help any."
"I wasn't staring." A.J. said sternly, as he looked Kevin in they eye.
"Yes, you were. You've been doing it since we got out of the limo. Now what's the deal? Did Nick do something?" Kevin asked.
A.J. thought about his answer. He knew where Nick was last night, and what he was doing, but wasn't sure whether or not he wanted to share that information with Kevin yet.
"A.J." Kevin said trying to get A.J.'s attention again.
"No Kev, he didn't do anything wrong...I was just trying to look out for him, that's all"
"By staring at him? That's kinda weird." Kevin responded as he sat back to finish the sandwich on his plate.
Brian walked into the room and made his way towards the food. He wanted to grab another sandwich before the show. As soon as he filled his plate, he sat next to Nick who was eating by himself, with his headphones on.
Brian's entrance caught A.J.'s attention, and he began to watch Brian as he moved from the food table towards Nick.
"You're doing it again." Kevin said to A.J.
"Well you must be doing the same thing if you notice everything I do." A.J. responded, not taking his eyes off of Brian who was attempting to start a conversation with Nick.
Kevin watched A.J. intently, and wrinkled his eyebrows together as he tried to figure out why A.J. was so interested in Nick tonight.
"You know something." Kevin stated.
"What?" A.J. answered not understanding what Kevin meant.
"I said, you know something."
"What do I know?" A.J. questioned back.
"You know something about Nick." Kevin stated matter-of-factly.
"No I don't."
"Yes you do."
"No...I don't."
"Yes you do. You always act weird, when you know something that the rest of us don't." Kevin reasoned. "Did Brian tell you something he didn't tell the rest of us? Did he find something out from Ewan?" Kevin continued to question, trying to get A.J. to break.
"No, Brian didn't say anything." A.J. responded calmly.
"Okay then, but you still know something." Kevin said.
"No, I don't Kevin."
Kevin knew this mode of questioning wouldn't get A.J. to talk. He tried another approach.
"Oh, I get it then. I knew it." Kevin said.
"You get what? What do you know?" A.J. asked.
"It's nothing. I just get it now. I don't know why I didn't see it before, cause it was so obvious."
"What was so obvious?" A.J. asked, wondering how Kevin always knew any secrets he tried to conceal.
"It's obvious why you're staring at Nick. I get it." Kevin said, hoping A.J. would voluntarily give up the information, if he could convince him that he already knew.
"It is?" A.J. asked.
"Yup."
"Since you already know then. What do we do now?"
"Well, A.J., why don't you tell me." Kevin said, as he did a victory dance in his head. He was about to get A.J. to tell him his secret.
"Well, for starters," A.J. leaned over the table and started to whisper his answer, "I say we talk to him about it." A.J. said as he saw Kevin's interest grow more and more. There was something wrong with this picture, he thought to himself.
"After we talk to him," A.J. continued, "I say we tell him that he's out of the group. We have to kick him out Kevin. There's no other choice. After what he's done, there's no way I want him as a BackStreet Boy. He's out. I'm going to talk to management first thing in the morning, and he's out." A.J. said, as a shocked look came over Kevin's face. "Are you with me?" A.J. asked.
"What?" Kevin said in surprise. "You're gonna kick him out? Why? What for?" Kevin asked frantically.
"You know why." A.J. responded, knowing Kevin was using his underhanded tactics, to try and get him to give up his secrets. 'It won't work this time.' A.J. thought to himself.
"No. I don't. Now tell me why we're going to kick Nicky out of the group. What did he do?" Kevin asked wondering what he missed, and how he could have missed it.
"See, I knew it." A.J. said as he sat back in his chair.
"What? What do you know?" Kevin asked.
"I know that you didn't really know anything, and that you tried to trick me into talking, Kevin." A.J. said with a smug grin on his face.
Kevin sat back and realized A.J. had caught on to his game.
"Alright, you got me. I don't know jack." Kevin admitted sorely.
"Ha, see, I knew it." A.J. said victoriously.
"You're getting pretty good at this game, A.J." Kevin said.
"Thank You." A.J. responded. "I should be since you've done this to me so many frickin' times."
"Well, congratulations. You do realize though, that I have other means of getting you to talk, and that one way or another, I will find out what your hiding. I'm still the master. I have my ways." Kevin said with a smile.
"Bring it on." A.J. remarked as he did the hand motions.
Just then, a Production Assistant wearing a headset, and holding a clipboard, walked into the room, and announced that there was only fifteen minutes left until they had to be on stage. Everyone stood from where they were, and began to move about, starting their final pre-show preparations.
"Hey Nick." A.J. said as he walked towards him.
"Wassup, A.J.?" Nick responded, as he took of his headphones.
"I just wanted to say good luck, and try not to break anything this time." A.J. joked as he hit Nick on the shoulder and ran towards the dressing room.
Nick contemplated running after him, but instead decided to yell after him. "I'll get you for that comment, McLean!!!"
Ewan stood in front of his CD case, looking for something to listen to while he packed. He settled on "Millennium," thinking it was appropriate since he was going to meet the guys tomorrow. He pulled it off of the rack, walked over to his computer, and put it in the CD-Rom. Soon the room was filled with the sounds of the BackStreet Boys, singing "Larger than Life." Since no one was around, he turned up the volume, knowing he could play it as loud as he wanted.
He walked over to his closet, and pulled out a suitcase. He placed it on his bed and started to pack. Pulling clothes from his drawers and from his closet, he thought about bringing as much as possible knowing that he could be expected to wear anything from casual jeans, to a club outfit, to a suit, while touring with them. He knew this, because his wardrobe considerably increased in size, just from touring with them last summer.
Ewan thought back on all of the early wake-up calls and call times the boys had, and that he joined them for. He wasn't looking forward to that part of touring, because since he returned to college, he hadn't had to wake up earlier than ten o'clock. 'Unless you count hell week.' Ewan thought to himself. What he did look forward to, was the fun times they would have whenever they got a break from performing their BackStreet Boy duties. He'd have to come up with new plans, for new pranks that he'd pull.
He couldn't wait until he sees the look on Kevin's face, when he shows up.
Ewan thought that it may be similar to the look Kevin had, when he found out that he was arrested, along with Nick. Ewan laughed at the thought. He couldn't wait to join them on photoshoots and interviews, because he'd always try to make them laugh, and mess up. Ewan loved being around them. It was like having five instant brothers. He was glad they hit it off, and that he was given the chance to tour with them. He had the time of his life, and he was about to do it all over again, even though it would only be for a week.
As Ewan continued to pack, he thought more and more of what lay ahead. He thought of all the fun they'd have, but he had to remind himself that he was also there for a purpose. He thought back on his telephone conversation with Brian, and the distressed e-mail he received from Nick. He didn't know what he'd have to face when he got there, but he knew he couldn't leave without helping his two best friends. 'What's going on?' Ewan thought to himself. He couldn't wait to talk to Nick and Brian in person.
As his thoughts continued, Ewan walked over to his desk and sat down. He wanted to check his e-mail for Brian's message, letting him know when and where he'd have to be. He logged on just as "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" started. He scanned through his new mail seeing that there was two new messages, one from Brian and the other from Nick. He contemplated which one he'd read first, and decided on Nick's. Ewan clicked on the message and began to read it.
To: Ewan edm205@michu.edu
From: Nick blondie948@aol.com
Date: Friday, March 19, 1999 18:45:04 EST
Subject: Clearing things up...
Ewan
Once again...I'm not blowing this thing out of proportion. Trust me!!!
This is big Ewan. I don't know what to do. I love this person so much, but I can't say anything. Do you have any idea how hard that is? I can't concentrate on anything, and to top it all off, the guys are starting to get pissed. I want to tell them, but I just can't. I don't want to disappoint them, especially Kevin. Just so you get some background info, this is how big this thing is.
Today, A.J. cornered me, and was pushing me to talk. You see...I did something stupid last night. You're going to think I'm crazy for doing this, but it just goes to show how messed up I am right now. Since I have all of these feelings bottled up inside, I almost exploded last night. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be near the guys because I don't want them finding out, but me not being there seems to be making them more curious. So last night, I went out by myself around New York. I went to some of those places we went to, when you were here with us last, but ended up at some club...and I met someone there.
After we talked for a while, we decided to go out for some drinks.
Needless to say, I drank a little too much and I ended up going to this stranger's hotel room. Ewan...I almost lost my virginity to someone I didn't love. How stupid is that? I know you know how stupid that was, because you were the one who always told me to make sure, my first time with someone was with someone that I loved. That's how messed up I am right now.
To top it off, even Fatima is starting to ask questions. I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm slowly losing it, and I'm afraid I'll do something that I'll really regret.
Do you get it now?
To answer your questions, this person isn't in our management, and it's not Mandy Moore. It's someone really close to me, who I can't bear to lose, if I did tell them, and they didn't feel the same way. This is gonna ruin me Ewan. Either way, I'm screwed. Trust me...I've thought about this so much that it's practically the only thing I think about nowadays.
You know me well enough to know that my world revolves around three things...my family, my friends, and my career. That's drastically changed, now that I've started having these feelings for this person. If I tell them, my world will change forever. That's all I can say for now. I hope it clears things up a bit. I need your help Ewan.
Nicky
'Wow' was all Ewan could think. Unlike Nick's last e-mail, this one was more desperate, and filled with pain. He didn't know what to think, because he still couldn't understand why Nick thought falling in love, would ruin his career. He sat there and reread the message, trying to digest everything Nick said, and to see if he missed something that would help him understand the situation more. Other than the fact that Nick's problems were bothering him enough to give up his virginity to a stranger, Ewan still felt the same. He clicked on the reply button, and typed a message to Nick.
He was brought back to his inbox and clicked on Brian's message, hoping it wouldn't be as distressed as Nick's.
To: Ewey edm205@michu.edu
From: Brian BSBRok@aol.com
Date: Friday, March 19, 1999 19:22:11 EST
Subject: Info for your trip
Hey Ewe,
What's up??? First of all, I want to say THANKS for agreeing to come. I can't wait to see you, and the others are gonna be so surprised when you show up.
I have the information you'll need for your trip.
I couldn't help the time of your flight, 'cause it was the only one I could get, so don't be mad at me. You're flight leaves at 7:00 am. I know you said you don't wake up that early, but like I said, all of the other flights were booked. You're flying on Continental, and they said you can pick up your ticket at the airport tomorrow when you check in.
I think that it's a three hour flight or something. Either way, when you get to New York, someone should be waiting for you at the gate. They'll help you with your luggage, and bring you to the hotel.
I tried to get you your own room, but they said they were pretty booked. So, you'll be staying with me...and I know what you're thinking...I told you that I don't snore!!! Anyway, I thought it would be cool 'cause it'll give us a chance to catch up. I'll leave the extra keycard at the front desk. Marc says we're busy all day, so I won't be able to see you until after the concert. By the way, Marc says "Hi" and that he can't wait to see you again. I'm leaving two passes at the front desk for you and your friend, along with your key card to our room. Don't worry about transportation, I know you're from the city and that you'd rather use mass transit, but your my guest, so I told the hotel to take care of all of your needs.
I think that's about it. I'll give you the rest of the tour info when you get here. I can't wait to see you again!!! We're gonna have a blast. I can't thank you enough.
Brian
After reading Brian's e-mail, Ewan looked around for a pen and a piece of paper, to copy all of the information. As he was writing, the door to his room opened.
Jim walked into the room, and saw Ewan writing on the desk. He knew Ewan didn't notice him come in, so he crept up behind him and put him in a headlock.
Ewan was startled, because he didn't expect anyone to be in the house. He quickly threw his elbow behind him, and made contact with his attackers stomach. The hold Jim had on Ewan's neck quickly loosened as he doubled over in pain. Ewan turned around and was surprised to see Jim. He knelt down on the ground, where Jim was moaning and clutching his stomach.
"Ow...That hurts dude." Jim said over the loud music.
"That's what you get for sneaking up on me like that. What the hell were you thinking and what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in New York?" Ewan asked as he helped Jim onto the bed.
"I cut my trip short." Jim answered.
"What did you say?" Ewan asked.
"I said I cut my trip short." Jim shouted. "You'd hear me better if you'd turn the music down."
"Oh, right...hold on a sec." Ewan said, as he made his way towards his computer to turn down the volume.
"That's better." Jim said. "What the hell is that god awful crap anyway?"
"It's the BackStreet Boys." Ewan answered as he threw the CD jewel to "Millennium," over to Jim. "I thought every gay man in the world knows who they are. Doesn't their CD come in the package you get when you come out? You know along with the manual, condoms, lube..." Ewan joked with Jim, as they often did.
"Nope, not me. They must have ran out of CD's when they handed me my 'coming out' kit." Jim joked. "Isn't that the group you toured with last summer?"
"Yeah. Now you wanna tell me what the hell you're doing here?" Ewan asked as he sat down in a chair directly across from Jim.
"I told you. I cut my trip short." Jim answered, as he opened the CD jewel, to pull out the liner notes.
"I got that part. You mind telling me why? Did something happen?" Ewan asked.
"You can say that." Jim said, as thought about his encounter with 'Jake.'
"Well?" Ewan questioned.
"Well...there was this guy I hooked up with." Jim answered, as he flipped through the pages of the booklet.
"Oh, that's it?"
"Yeah."
"Did you at least get his name?" Ewan asked, knowing that Jim must have still been distraught from his recent breakup with Ethan.
"Jake." Ewan answered. "We met at the club you recommended. Pretty nice guy. Actually, he kinda reminds me of this guy." Jim said pointing to the picture of Nick, sitting barefoot, in the water..
Ewan took a look at the picture Jim referred to, and saw that it was Nick. It completely slipped his mind that "Jake" was the alias Nick liked to use, when they went out in public, and didn't want to be noticed. He didn't connect the two, because he knew Nick wasn't gay.
"Naw, that's Nick. Not Jake." Ewan said.
"Well, I didn't say that I hooked up with this guy, I just said he reminded me of him. Anyway," Jim continued, "We got drunk and ended up in my hotel room. It was getting pretty hot and heavy when all of a sudden it stopped."
"What happened?" Ewan asked.
"I think we both got an attack of 'guilty conscience.' I ended up telling him about Ethan, and he told me about his guy." Jim vaguely explained, avoiding the fact that he admitted his love for Ewan, to "Jake."
"Ethan called by the way." Ewan said. "Actually, he didn't believe me when I told him you weren't here, so he kept on calling. Finally, I got fed up and told him to come over and check if he wanted. He stopped calling after that."
"Good. I don't want to talk to that asshole anyway. Not after what he did." Jim said. "Did he happen to tell you what he wanted."
"Well, he told me to tell you to call him when you got in, and that he was sorry." Ewan explained.
"Sorry my ass. If he can't keep his dick in his pants, then I don't wanna hear from that prick."
"I take it you won't be calling him then?"
"Hells, Fucking NO!!! He can rot in hell for all I care." Jim retorted.
"Ah...Hell hath no fury than a "Gay Man" scorned." Ewan joked.
"Got that straight...No pun intended." Jim said as they both started laughing.
"So what are you going to do?" Ewan asked.
"Since New York was a bust, I didn't want to stay in a city where all I felt was guilt for taking advantage of that poor kid, I thought I'd spend time with you." Jim answered.
"Actually," Ewan said pointing to the suitcase on his bed, "a friend of mine invited me to New York. I was planning on leaving tomorrow to meet you there."
"Oh." Jim said surprised. "What friend?"
Ewan took the liner notes from Jim's hand and opened it to the picture of Brian. "That one." Ewan said as he pointed.
"He's cute." Jim said.
"I'll be sure to tell him you said that." Ewan joked. "He called me this morning and found out I wasn't going anywhere for Spring Break, and so he invited me to tour with them for a week."
"I see." Jim said disappointed.
"Why don't you come with?" Ewan asked, because he didn't want Jim to stay at the house, by himself, on his spring break.
"Naw, I think I've had enough of New York." Jim said. "Besides, I don't want to intrude. I think I'm gonna give the guys a call in Cancun to see if I can hook up with them down there for some sun and fun."
"Suit yourself." Ewan said.
"Did the guys leave a number for where they're staying?" Jim asked.
"Yeah, it's downstairs on the fridge."
"Cool. I'll be right back." Jim said as he left the room.
Ewan returned to his desk, to finish copying down the information Brian sent him. Ewan hit the reply button, and typed a short message for Brian, letting him know that he got the information and that he'd see him tomorrow night after the concert. He logged out of his e-mail, and stuffed the piece of paper in his backpack. He went back to his suitcase, and returned to packing.
Half-an-hour later, Jim came back upstairs, and joined Ewan.
"Did you get in touch with them?" Ewan asked.
"Yeah, Pikachu answered. He said to say Hi, and that Gumby and Flash have already managed to get themselves arrested. He says they're picking up trash along the Mexican highway for the day." Jim said using the nicknames they had for their fraternity brothers.
"Figures. What did they get arrested for?"
"I think he said indecent exposure, but I couldn't really understand him."
"I guess that's why we gave Mikey the nickname 'Flash.' So are they gonna meet you?"
"Yeah, I called the airline, and I'm all set to leave tomorrow morning. I was lucky to get a seat. I have to fly first class. My dad's gonna be pissed when he gets the credit card bill. Pikachu said he'd pick me up at the airport, or get someone to. Knowing them, they'll forget, so I got the name of the hotel they were staying in just in case." Jim answered.
"What time's your flight?" Ewan asked.
"Ten." Jim said.
"Good. That means you can drive me to the airport." Ewan said putting his arm around Jim's neck.
"Wait. What time is your flight?" Jim asked.
"Seven."
"Aw...come on. I'm not getting up that early just to drive your ass to the airport."
"Hey, your on an international flight. You have to be there three hours early anyway." Ewan said. "Come on, for driving me, I'll treat you to dinner tonight. Have you eaten?"
"Nope not yet. I'm starving." Jim answered. "Since you're making me get up early, I get to choose the restaurant."
"Fine."
"We're going to Jack's" Jim smiled.
"Then I'll need my credit card." Ewan joked.
The ride back to the hotel was as quiet as the one before. Kevin, A.J., Brian, and Howie were all tired after the long show. They had all practically passed out, except for Nick. Nick couldn't wait to get back to his room to see if Ewan had written back. He was anxious to see if he was able to give some useful advice this time. Once they reached the hotel, Nick practically jumped out of the limousine and darted for the elevators. As soon as the doors opened, they all headed in wanting to get some rest. The ride up to their floor was equally as quiet.
The elevator reached the floor their rooms were on, and each of them made their way towards their respective rooms. Before any of them were able to get their key card in the door, Marc spoke up.
"Guys don't forget about tomorrow. Same deal as this morning. I'll see you bright and early, eight o'clock sharp."
Each of them grunted a response, too tired to verbally acknowledge Marc. Marc watched, as each of them disappeared into their own rooms.
Once inside his room, Nick dropped his backpack, and carried his laptop case over to the table. He pulled it out and began to set it up. Once he was done, he turned it on and waited impatiently for it to boot up. As soon as he was able to, he opened his e-mail program and started the familiar log-in procedure. The gurgling sound of the modem pierced through the silence, as the computer screen lit up Nick's face. He opened up his inbox, and saw what he was waiting for. Nick took in a deep breath, hoping this time, Ewan would be of more assistance. He opened the e-mail and began to read it.
To: Nicky blondie948@aol.com
From: Ewan David McGovern edm205@michu.edu
Date: Friday, March 19, 1999 19:00:09 CST
Subject: Re: Clearing things up...
Nick,
Alright...point taken. You're not blowing things out of proportion. But I still don't understand. I get how big this is, now that you say how badly it's affecting you, but I don't see how bad things could get if you tell this girl, and everyone else, that you LOVE HER!!! If you want me to understand, you need to tell me everything, from the beginning. You can't leave anything out, if you want me to help.
I'm glad that you didn't make a mistake with the girl you met the other night. That would have just added on to your already existing problems. I'm glad you remember how adamant I am about losing one's virginity to someone special. I don't want you making the same mistakes I did.
I can only imagine how much misery you're in right now, but if you want me to help, you need to let me in. Who is this girl that has you so riled up? Do I know her? Nick, you gotta trust me, and tell me the whole story. I want to help, but I need you to help me understand first.
Ewan
Nick almost burst into tears after reading Ewan's e-mail. In him, was a mixture of emotions that drove him insane. He was frustrated Ewan hadn't been able to help, because he couldn't tell him everything. He was tired, and exhausted. He didn't want to hide anymore, he didn't have the energy to. He needed to tell someone. He needed the courage to tell Ewan. Nick thought about his situation. His thoughts were so clouded at the moment. He needed to calm himself, or else he'd physically break down. Nick decided to take a long shower, before he responded to Ewan's e-mail. He had to build up as much courage as he could to finally tell someone.
A.J. stood on the balcony of his hotel room. He was clutching onto a mug of hot tea, his only source of warmth from the cool night air. He stared out at the lights of the city. He thought about the revelation he discovered, regarding Nick. His heart went out to his friend. A.J. understood his pain, because he too was once in the same position. He could only hope Nick was smarter, than he was, in dealing with his sexuality. He thought back on the days before he had come out to Kevin. 'Nick's going through hell right now.' A.J. thought to himself. He wondered why he was so oblivious to any of it, before today. If only he was more perceptive, he would have been able to help Nick, before things got the way they were now.
He was aware now, and so he decided to help Nick. 'It's not too late.' A.J. thought to himself. It would be his personal mission to aid Nick in 'coming out,' or at least coming out to him. Nick needed someone to talk to, and he would be it. That would at least give Nick an outlet, where he would feel safe and comfortable, talking to someone. A.J. took a sip from his mug. 'I don't know how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to help you, so help me god. You can't keep this to yourself. It'll kill you. It almost killed me.' A.J. thought, as he finished the warm liquid from his cup. He took one last look at the skyline of New York City, before he turned around to walk through the sliding glass doors, back into the warmth of his room.
Kevin sat in a high-back chair, in the living room section of his suite. He was reading through some papers their management had sent him. He wasn't having any success, as his mind was preoccupied with thoughts of what was going on around him. He put down the papers, and walked over to his suitcase. He pulled out a single candle, and set it on top of the coffee table. He looked around the suite for a book of matches. When he found one, he walked over to the lamp, that sat on top of the end table, and turned it off. In the darkness, he could barely make out where he was going. After a few seconds of feeling around, he found the couch and sat down. He pulled out a match and struck it. The bright light lit up the room for an instant, and Kevin could smell the familiar scent of burning sulfer, that came after the match was lit. He moved the flame towards the candle, and gently touched it to the exposed wick. Once the candle was lit, Kevin put out the match, and laid down on the couch. The darkness enveloped him, as he allowed himself to be lost in his thoughts. He stared up at the ceiling and watched the shadows, created by the single candle, dance before him.
The same subject that occupied everyone's mind at the moment, also occupied Kevin's. He thought about Nick. He asked himself over and over what he missed, and where he went wrong. He was usually able to read Nick like a book. That was why he could predict Nick's behavior, more often than the others. That came with having to play Nick's father, or older brother ever since the group formed. At first, Kevin was uneasy at the role he had to play, but instinct took over, and he found himself playing the the 'father figure' of the group.
He took his role more seriously when it came to Nick. He was the youngest, and therefore Kevin saw it as his duty to watch over him. Afterall, he was the one who lay next to Nick, when he cried himself to sleep at night from being homesick. He was the one who always reminded Nick of the proper way of doing things, and the proper way to act. He was the one who cheered the most when Nick accomplished something great, and he was the one who was always there to catch him when he fell. He was the one who made all of the plans, every January, when Nick's birthday rolled around. He was the one who corrected Nick at every wrong turn he made.
Kevin had a special bond with Nick. That was what made Nick's distancing all the more painful. Outside of yelling at him, the only contact Kevin had left with Nick, was from what the other guys told him. He was broken hearted. He didn't want to see Nick in any pain; no parent would. Kevin knew that in an instant, he'd do anything to take away Nick's pain. He loved him. None of his tricks would work now. Nick was too far away, and Kevin was already afraid of losing what little contact he had left with him. A tear fell from the corner of his eye, as he hoped Nick would find someone to ease his pain.
Nick walked out of the bathroom dressed in sweat pants and a sweat shirt. He was drying his hair as he walked toward the light that emanated from the screen of his laptop. He sat down and confronted the screen that showed Ewan's last e-mail. He put down the towel, and took a deep breath. The quickest, and most pain free way he thought he could do this, was to type his response in one quick motion, and hit send without looking back.
Nick used the mouse pad to move the cursor to the reply button. He hit it, and was presented with a blank screen containing Ewan's e-mail address at the top. Nick moved his hands, and placed them on top of the keyboard. He quickly typed out the sentence that he'd prepared, and repeated, over and over in the shower.
To: Ewan edm205@michu.edu
From: Nick blondie948@aol.com
Date: Saturday, March 20, 1999 00:16:04 EST
Subject:
Ewan...I'm gay and I'm in love with Brian...that should put things in perspective.
Nick didn't want to read over what he wrote, because he didn't want to have any second thoughts. As quick as he typed his response, he hit the send button and the familiar dialog box came up, telling him that his mail had been sent. It was over. He had done it. There was no turning back now. He shut down his laptop for the last time that night, and walked over to his bed. He pushed the covers down, and laid himself in the bed. He pulled the covers to his neck, and simply stared.
Brian's face was illuminated in the darkness of his room, by the light coming from the screen of his laptop. He was unable to sleep, so he decided to check his e-mail for a confirmation from Ewan. After he read Ewan's e-mail, Brian was about to return to his bed, when he found himself paralyzed in his chair. He stared at the log-in screen to his e-mail.
He had been staring for the past hour, contemplating what he would do. He finally came to a decision, and used the mouse to move the blinking cursor over the box that read his screen name. He clicked on the arrow, and scrolled down to the word "Guest." Soon enough, the silence he sat in for the past hour, was broken by the sound of the modem. Once it's task was completed, Brian entered a screen name and provided a password.
The screen flashed before him, and he read the words "Welcome blondie948!" He clicked on the mailbox that registered empty, and once again the screen changed. With every movement, Brian's heart raced. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but somehow he managed to bypass his conscience finding a reason that allowed him to break into Nick's e-mail. He found nothing under the "New Mail" category, so he moved the cursor over to the "Old Mail" tab. He clicked on it and recognized Ewan's e-mail address, as the latest one's read. He checked the date, and saw that several of them were from today alone. He had second thoughts about reading the contents of those messages, but he continued on.
Brian told himself that he would read those in due time. The greater prize was in what Nick had to say. He clicked on the "Sent Mail" tab. Brian now had access to Nick's thoughts and secrets. He would now know what was bothering him. 'It's all for Nick.' Brian kept repeating to himself. He read over the subject headings, as he decided on a starting point. He looked at the dates, and saw that the most recent one must have been sent a few minutes ago, because the clock in his room registered 1:30 a.m. It contained today's date, but what interested him more, was that there was no subject heading. He moved the cursor over the message, and watched as it blinked in perfect time, as if it was a metronome keeping the beat. He focused on the blinking cursor as it taunted him, no dared him to do it.
Brian heard the sound of his own heartbeat as it raced inside his chest. With a deep breath, he was ready to break Nick's trust, and possibly end their friendship, just to satisfy his own curiosity.
Brian hit his mouse pad twice, as he was about to invade Nick's privacy. The screen before him came to life as it was about to display Nick's last e-mail to Ewan.
Just as quick as the screen flashed, Brian was quicker in closing his laptop. He heard it click shut. He turned around, reached for the plug and yanked on it as hard as he could. The familiar hum of his laptop ceased as it died before him. Brian sank down into the chair he sat in, looked to the sky, and closed his eyes.
Ewan woke up abruptly, to Jim shaking his sleeping body. He fought against the disorientation of sleep, and opened his eyes.
"Ewan...Wake Up...We overslept!!!" Jim yelled.
"What?" Ewan asked as Jim's words registered in his head. He looked at the digital clock across the room, as it read 6:00. Ewan shot out of bed and frantically searched for the clothes he had laid out to wear for today.
"You get dressed." Jim said, "I'll put the bags in the car. Come down when you're done, and we'll leave right away."
"What about you? You need to get dressed too." Ewan said as he pulled up his pants.
"I'll bring my clothes to the airport and I'll change there." Jim said. "Now hurry up."
Ewan nodded his head, as he pulled on his shirt. He quickly ran into the bathroom to wet his hair, and quickly brush his teeth. He applied some deodorant on, and sprayed himself with cologne. He realized that he'd need these things for his trip, so he ran back into the bedroom and grabbed his backpack. He ran back to the bathroom, opened it, and slid everything on the counter into the bag. He looked at himself in the mirror, and decided that it was the best he could do.
As he was about to run out the door, he looked back to check if he forgot anything. He looked over to his desk and saw that he left his computer on from the night before. He had wanted to check his e-mail for any response from Nick, before he left for New York, but he was quickly running out of time. Whatever was there, would have to wait until he got to New York. He ran over to the tower and pushed the power button. The screen went blank in front of him, and shut off automatically. He made his way out the door, never looking back.
So, what did you think? What do you think so far? Is Nick going to have a mental breakdown when he sees Ewan? Who knew Brian could be so bad? Wonder what he'll do next...What about Kevin?
What I really want to know, this time around from all of yall reading, is what should I do with Howie??? I have something planned, but it doesn't happen till way, way later, or if at all. For the meantime, I feel like he just tags along with the boys. I know there's not that many Howie stories out there...so Howie fans, heres your chance...what do you think Howie should do in the story?
I wanna hear from all of ya reading this. I'm kinda curious as to where you think the story is going, or where you'd like it to go. Or if you hate the story.
Lastly, I'd like to thank all of you who wrote me. I love hearing from you guys and gals, and can't wait to hear what you think of this chapter. Like I said, I am an avid reader of the nifty archive but never wrote any of the authors. Now that I've converted I've actually begun a dialogue with some of my favorite authors. And they're really cool!!! Hi guys!!!
Just wanna give a special shout out to a certain someone in SJ who likes to wear shorts for not gagging. He's a great author and a great friend. He also doesn't want to admit it, but he's a closeted BSB fan...Check his story "Not Meant to Be" out.
Special mention to Drew for your comments and criticisms, especially the criticisms you make me a better writer!!! Shout out to Carter, who doesn't know it yet but he's slowly becoming my editor! I hope you liked the present...Thanks!!!
Lucas Out...till next time!!!
rtstories@hotmail.com