Because I Love You

Author's Note:

I'll leave this one up to you guys.

Legal Disclaimer:

This work is purely fiction. It is purely derived from the mind of the author and in no way dictates the sexual orientation of any of the Back Street Boys. Only in my mind do I truly believe they're gay, and in love with me. Any similarity to real life, or to someone's life, is purely coincidental. It contains homosexual subject matter. If you're not into that, why not??? Gay porn/erotica is way hotter than heterosexual porn!!! Do not read any further if you are under the legal age for viewing this material in your country, state, province, city, town, suburb, home, shack, hole in the wall, cardboard box, van down by the river, trailer home, room, or dormitory at Hogwart's School of Witches and Wizards, or closet.

End of Chapter Nineteen

A.J. tried everything to break free, but Kevin was determined to hold him in place this time. A.J. kept thrashing and screaming as Kevin held him down. Soon, Kevin noticed A.J.'s bucking was beginning to weaken and his voice was growing more and more defeated. He was glad A.J. was finally exhausting himself, but still he kept up his guard. Soon enough, A.J. stopped, but this time only because he was crying. Kevin was too shocked to hear the muffled sobs and A.J's hoarse voice still repeating...

"It's not fair."

When Kevin finally removed his weight, he was able to turn A.J. over. What he saw broke his heart. A.J.'s eyes were blood red, tears streaming down his face, mingling with the mucus from his nose and saliva from his open mouth. He could hardly believe that this was the same person smashing the television set a few moments ago. Kevin quickly held A.J.'s limp body against his. He fought back his own tears as he rubbed A.J.'s back and held his head, trying to comfort him.

"Shhhhh...It's okay. It's gonna be alright."

"It's not fair...He's not supposed to die...he's too young..." A.J. said repeatedly through tears.

"I know. I know."

"We're not supposed to burry our friends...We're not supposed to..."

"Shhhh...I know, A.J...I...know..." Kevin said, finding it harder and harder to fight back his own tears. He was now holding onto the last remnants of his strength by a thin thread, weighed down by loss, grief, and pain. He felt his throat closing in on him.

"I miss him." A.J. whispered, finally severing that thread Kevin held onto with dear life.

To my one true Angel...you're both an inspiration to my life, and to this story...

Because I Love You By: Lucas

Chapter 20

Nick once again awoke in darkness. He felt the cold tile floor beneath him and immediately realized where he was. He began to mentally berate himself for crying himself to sleep yet again. It was a habit he'd grown into recently...one that he wanted to kick. Slowly, he raised himself from the floor and stretched, wanting to work out the stiffness in his body.

He walked over to the light switch and flipped it on. His immediate reflex was to turn it back off when the painful artificial light seared his vision. It took him some time to adjust, but eventually he did, and was able to look himself in the mirror.

"I look like shit." He said to no one in particular, his voice still sore from the screaming match he had with Brian.

'Brian.' Nick thought to himself.

"Fuck! You're such an asshole, Carter." He said to himself.

He quickly ran some cold water over his face, washing away the dry encrusted tears and hoping to get rid of the puffiness, all the while trying to think of a way to make things right with his best friend.

'I can't lose him.' Nick thought to himself as he dried his face. 'He's all I have left.'

After a moment of thought, Nick threw down the towel and began to undress. He took off his shoes and socks, followed by his dress shirt and black dress pants. He stood in the bathroom clad only in his boxer shorts. Nick felt a slight shiver pass through him, as goose bumps appeared all over his exposed body. He dreaded having to walk back into the bedroom, hoping Brian was either still out or asleep, but right now, all he could think of was that it was the spirit of his dead friend that caused him to shiver like that.

Quickly, Nick stepped into the quiet bedroom, but found no sign of Brian there. As he walked towards his bed, he noticed the other one still neatly made, leaving Nick to think that Brian hadn't come back yet. He began to worry as he glanced over at the digital clock's burning red numbers, which read 3:00. The last thing he needed was the thought of a missing or dead Brian on his already heavily burdened conscience.

He walked over to the desk in the corner of the room and began to look for the complimentary paper and pen he knew most hotels left for their guests. When he found it, Nick quickly scribbled something down. When he was done, he brought it with him and laid it on top of the bed next to his. He turned off the light, crawled underneath the covers and fell asleep.

Nick awoke from a dreamless sleep when he heard someone fumbling with the door to the bedroom. He squinted his eyes, trying to read the digital clock once again, realizing that it was now 4:30 in the morning. He quickly shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep when he heard the door open and the light turn on.

Nick heard a loud grunt as he listened to Brian shut the door and struggle to remove his jacket. Nick knew Brian had finally succeeded in removing it when he heard it slam into the wall across the room, and slide down onto the floor. Nick winced when he heard his shoes join the jacket with an audible thud.

Brian was drunk.

Nick would paint a mental picture of Brian moving about the room, according to the sounds he made. He could feel Brian moving towards the other bed, from the shuffling of his feet over the hotel carpet, and then from the silence that followed, Nick knew Brian had found the note.

"The hell is this shit?" Brian slurred, as he picked up the piece of paper that was on his bed. The room was silent, except for Brian's heavy breathing, as he struggled to read the note.

"So, you're sorry, huh?" Nick heard Brian say with a contemptuous laugh. "Unbelievable! You think if you just say 'sorry' everything's gonna be okay?" Brian said angrily. "Typical. Little Nicky says he's sorry and all is forgiven." Brian added as he shook his head and clumsily made his way towards Nick's sleeping form.

Nick could feel the heat emanating from Brian's body as he now hovered over him. The unmistakable stench of alcohol from Brian's labored breath filled Nick's lungs as he tried to maintain a sleeping facade. He was confused at the thought of finding the smell of alcohol, mixed with undertones of Brian's sweat and cologne, intoxicating, almost to the point of arousal. He felt guilty for still pretending to be asleep while Brian ranted, but the fear he felt told him to play along.

"You think this is gonna fix things?' Brian waved the paper at what he perceived to be Nick's sleeping body. "Not this time FRACK. 'Sorry isn't gonna fix this one. And you couldn't even say it to my face. You coward! You have to write it down on a note and leave it on my bed? HA!!! You're pathetic." Brian added with contempt.

Nick felt Brian's spit hit his face as he said those words, but didn't dare move a muscle.

"This is what I think of your 'Sorry.'"

Nick fought the urge to wince in pain when he heard the deafening sound of Brian tearing the note he had written in two, but more importantly he fought the urge to start crying. The pricking behind his eyes and that uneasy feeling in his stomach were now stronger than ever, making it difficult to fight back what he knew would come next, but Nick was determined. He knew Brian never got violent, it wasn't in his nature, but right now Nick couldn't help feeling afraid.

What happened next took Nick by complete surprise. He heard Brian suddenly fall to his knees next to his bed.

Brian awkwardly fought the mixed emotions he felt, which were now heightened by the alcohol he had consumed. The next thing he knew, he let out a grunt of frustration, crumbling the two ripped pieces of paper he held in his hands, tossing them at Nick's blanket covered body. Then began to cry.

Nick was forced to listen to his best friend cry and not do anything. All he could think of was how badly his heart ached and how he just wanted to hold Brian at that moment...and possibly forever.

He was almost jolted out of his feigned sleep when he felt Brian's breath on his face as he moved closer to Nick, followed by his touch. He could feel Brian brush away a strand of hair that had fallen across his face. He grew nervous as Brian's hand lingered next to his head and then traced its way from behind his ear, across his cheek and onto his lips. His heart raced and his stomached churned with uncertainty under Brian's light touch. Even though his eyes remained closed, he could still feel Brian's gaze bore right into him. At that very moment, Nick could feel the unbreakable bond between them grow stronger than ever.

He knew Brian felt it too.

"You make it so hard to love you sometimes."

Nick's initial shock at his best friend's words paralyzed him. The words echoed inside his head over and over as his fevered brain tried to process what Brian had meant by them. He didn't have much time, because the shock that was caused by his best friend's words was suddenly overcome by the feeling of Brian's lips on his, as it replaced the finger he held there.

Nick felt alive at the intimate touch. Every nerve ending in his body felt like it was on fire. He felt as if a bolt of electricity had just shot through his body straight to his heart with that one kiss.

It was hard at first, as if Brian was determined to kiss Nick, but then it became soft and gentle. All of a sudden Nick felt something wet run along his lips, and realized what Brian was doing. Tentatively, Nick parted his lips, finally inviting Brian in. Not knowing what to do, he laid there and let Brian do what he wanted, when suddenly he could no longer resist his own urges. His hormones were now in control, driven by suppressed emotions and the need to forget. The only things in Nick's existence were Brian's eager mouth and determined touches. When everything was out of his head except for him and Brian...Nick kissed back.

Their mouths eagerly worked in earnest, both fighting for control over the other. Nick needed Brian, and the other equally felt that need. Without breaking the physical connection between them, Brian moved from where he was on the floor onto the bed. Nick invited him in, still passionately kissing the love of his life. Nick's eyes shot open, wanting to look into Brian's...wanting to see the way he felt at that moment, mirrored in his best friend's eyes. That was how he pictured their first time together, but Brian's eyes were shut tight. Mildly disappointed, Nick closed his eyes once again, instead picturing Brian looking at him with the same desire, determined to enjoy the feeling he'd craved for, for so long. That was the last time he was able to look at Brian, as the next thing he knew, Brian had knocked over the lamp, plunging them into darkness.

Nick marveled at Brian's touch as he kneeled above him. He could feel Brian's hands running over his smooth chest, over his arms, down his sides and back again. Nick was in ecstasy. He wanted Brian to experience the same feelings, so he broke their kiss, to remove Brian's shirt, but as soon as he was able to take it off, their hungry kissing began again. This time, Nick ran his hands over Brian's hot flesh, wanting to touch every part of him. He paid close attention to Brian's nipples after eliciting a pleasured moan.

Nick could feel his hardness fill to capacity as it strained against his boxer shorts, aching for relief. He wanted Brian to touch him and release it from its confines. He wanted Brian to taste it and engulf it, but even though Brian was touching him everywhere, he never went below the waistline of his boxers. Thinking that Brian wanted him to initiate the contact, Nick immediately started to unbuckle Brian's belt. The sound of the metal buckle clanging as he removed the strap served to turn Nick on even more, as well as the fact that Brian had now moved from kissing his lips to kissing his jaw and tracing it with his tongue straight to his neck.

Nick felt his member jump and ooze with precum as Brian sucked on his neck.

Nick managed to unbutton Brian's jeans and pull them down to his knees. By the dim moonlight that filled the room, Nick could see the reflection of Brian's white briefs and the outline of his cock as it filled them out. His heart racing with excitement and the feeling of Brian's mouth now working roughly on one of his hard nipples, gave Nick the courage to feel his best friend's cloth covered cock. Nick could feel the heat coming from his blood engorged member, almost as if it were burning his hand. He also noticed that as he touched it, Brian worked his body with more excitement and fury. So, he gripped it in his hand, noticing that it was a perfect fit, and began to stroke it through the thin white material, causing Brian to moan into his body. He felt the rippling effect as if it were an earthquake that sent shockwaves right to the center of his being.

As Nick continued to stroke Brian, he noticed a wet spot beginning to grow where the head of Brian's cock lay. He knew Brian was now releasing copious amounts of precum, but Nick wanted that in his mouth, not wasted in Brian's briefs. He licked his lips, knowing how badly he wanted to savor his first taste of a man. Nick moved Brian back up to his lips as they continued their foreplay. Slowly, Nick pulled Brian down, letting him know that he wanted to feel him on top of his body. Sure enough, Brian's flesh was now pressed against Nick's, and finally Nick felt some relief as Brian's hardness pressed against his.

Wanting his first time to last, Nick tried to slow Brian down by turning him on his back. This time, he was the one to explore Brian's body with his mouth, all the while still stroking his dick. Nick gently caressed Brian and passionately worked over and over the areas he knew Brian particularly enjoyed. He kissed his jaw and sucked on his neck, kissed his way over the skin that covered his shoulders, down Brian's hard pecs, and ran his tongue teasingly over his nipples. He wanted to get to know his lover...memorize his body...know what he liked and didn't like. Nick wanted his first time to be special. He didn't want to just have sex.

Nick continued his ministrations until he traced the thin line of pubic hair that led from Brian's navel right to his erogenous zone. He took great care in teasing the cloth covered flesh with his tongue, even going as far as taking in Brian's head and sucking on the precum soaked material. Slowly, he eased off of Brian and pulled off his briefs, along with his pants. Nick was now face-to-face with the object of his desire, as it lay strained along Brian's taught stomach. Nick grew with excitement as he took it in his hand and stroked it. He watched as a steady stream of precum was now spilling out of Brian's member. Tentatively, he brought his face towards the hot rod of flesh and stuck his tongue out, tasting for the first time another man's spunk...and he liked it.

Tired of Nick's teasing, Brian pushed Nick's head closer to his aching crotch, indicating that he wanted Nick to take him in. Eager to please, Nick licked his lips once again, and covered the head of Brian's cock with his mouth. Slowly he traced circles around the head, moving his tongue along the slit, not wanting to waste any of Brian's boyjuice. Suddenly, Nick felt Brian's hands behind his head as he pushed him down into his first blowjob. Nick was trying to keep with Brian's pace, wondering why he was in a hurry to get off, but he didn't complain. He enjoyed having Brian's dick in his mouth, or rather now down his throat.

As quick as the blowjob began, it quickly stopped. Because Nick was fondling Brian's low hanging balls, he knew that Brian was about to cum, and was flattered that he too wanted it to last. Nick seductively kissed his way up Brian's body until he met his lips once again falling into another passionate kiss. Nick reached down between them, and maneuvered Brian's hardness through the slit of the boxers he still wore, until he felt their organs touch. Nick moaned at the contact, and slowly began a rubbing and gyrating motion, taking pleasure in how good it felt. He pulled away from Brian's eager kiss, breathing heavily and moaning as he rubbed away. He felt the all too familiar sensation building within himself, and knew from Brian's grunts that he too was at the brink. That was when he leaned into Brian's ear and whispered, "I want you to make love to me, Brian."

That was all it took, and suddenly Nick found himself laying on his back, Brian hovering over him, fervently trying to remove his boxers. Nick heard a ripping noise and knew Brian was going to tear away his boxers. He felt somewhat scared at Brian's rough touch, but was strangely excited by it. Nick felt the pain of the cloth digging into his skin, but he ignored it, reveling in the fact that it was he who was the cause of Brian's fevered excitement.

Brian threw his boxers, or rather what was left of them, onto the floor. He grabbed Nick's legs and placed them on his shoulders. He gave his precum and spit-slicked member a few tugs, before placing it at Nick's hole.

"Go slowly, Bri. I want to remember this." Nick whispered into the dark, but didn't receive a response.

Brian was now jabbing at Nick's hole with his hard member until it broke through Nick's ring. Nick cried out in pain, but Brian didn't hear him. Although Nick tried his best to relax, his natural reaction was still to resist. This angered Brian, causing him to put more force behind his thrusts.

"Brian, slow down. It hurts. Let me get used to it first." Nick said through haggard breaths, but still...Brian ignored him.

Brian grew impatient with Nick, and decided to put full force in his next thrust. Nick's body gave in and now all of Brian was impaled in the young blonde, but not before Nick let out a high pitched scream, which Brian quickly quieted with his mouth. When he was sure Nick would no longer scream, he pulled away and began his thrusting.

"Brian...please...please slow down. It still hurts a lot. Please...Brian..." Nick said, but his words were useless. Brian was now breathing hard as the pleasure of taking Nick's virginity and the tightness of his ass pushed him into oblivion.

"Brian...you're hurting..." Nick said, but was suddenly cut off when Brian hit something inside of him that somewhat dulled the pain. As Brian pushed deeper and deeper, a battle of pain and extreme pleasure was being fought within Nick. It wasn't until Brian lowered himself out of tiredness that the pleasure won out. Brian's abs now sandwiched Nick's cock between their stomachs. Nick was now moaning in pleasure, as the tingling sensation from deep within returned. He held Brian tight, still asking him to slow down, but he didn't. Soon, Nick gave up as he reveled in the pure pleasure of having a man inside of him.

"I'm gonna cum." Nick said after a few more thrusts. Brian only grunted in response, and then it happened. Nick tensed as his orgasm hit. He hadn't thought about sex or even masturbated in over a week, so he shot a copious load between he and Brian. Nick opened his eyes hoping to make eye contact with Brian. That was how he imagined orgasming for the first time with Brain would be like, but Brian's eyes were still closed as he continued to pump Nick's ass. His now sensitive cockhead was still being rubbed by Brian's stomach as he too tensed up and emptied himself inside Nick. For only as long as his orgasm lasted, Brian was in the usual euphoria. He didn't even have the chance to come down from the natural high when it happened.

Panic set in.

The only other time he felt this way was when he masturbated and came for the first time. It was then that the realization of what happened hit him.

He just had sex with Nick...and stolen his virginity.

He quickly pulled his penis out from inside of his best friend and fell to the bed on his back, letting Nick's legs abruptly fall onto the bed.

He didn't know what to do. He was frozen in place. That was when Nick turned to his side and placed his arm around his waist. Brian felt as if his skin was burning under Nick's touch.

'What have I done?' where the only words that ran repeatedly through his head. He quickly closed his eyes in shame, not wanting to look at Nick, but he couldn't close his ears.

"I love you, Brian." Were the words that Nick said, forever sealing the way he felt at that moment in his memory.

Brian responded to Nick's declaration by pulling away and rolling over, turning his back on Nick.

There was nothing passionate about what they had done. It was pure animalistic sex...plain and simple. As he lay next to Brian, listening to him breathe, Nick thought to himself that this was nothing like he pictured his first time to be. He felt a void in his heart by Brian's silence, and a void in his body by Brian's absence. Nick fought with the mixed emotions he was now forced to deal with. He closed his eyes, wondering what he had done wrong to make Brian feel this way.

They laid next to each other on the bed in silence, but each one feeling an eternal distance slowly growing between them. When Brian thought Nick was asleep from the shallow breaths he took, he got out of bed and made his way, naked, to the bathroom.

Nick heard the door to the bathroom open. As Brian turned on the light, it filled the bedroom with a sudden burst of illumination. Nick's eyes fell toward the torn boxers laying next to Brian's soiled underwear, but then they were gone as Brian quickly closed the door. Nick got out of bed and picked up the last two remnants of his virginity and quickly hid them in his backpack that lay next to the bed.

As he heard Brian run the shower, he quickly jumped back into his bed, pulled the covers over himself and lay in the fetal position, hugging his knees tightly to his chest, trying to forget the searing pain in his backside and the oozing mix of fluid that he felt running down his legs. That was when he heard the unmistakable sound of Brian vomiting.

After a few moments of silence, Nick grew curious as to why Dr. Jensen was so quiet. No longer self-conscious and too tired to care, Nick steeled himself to finally make eye contact with the man who sat across from him. From the look of shock on his face, Nick knew that he had finally said something that caused a reaction other than compassion and understanding from the good doctor. If it weren't for the circumstances that brought on this reaction, Nick would've smiled in triumph, but his joy was short lived.

The look of understanding and compassion that Nick grew to dislike returned to Dr. Jensen's face when he realized Nick was staring at him, and for once he was glad at Dr. Jensen's uncanny ability to do that.

He was the first person, and this was the first time he had ever talked about what happened between Brian and him.

Dr. Jensen leaned back in his chair and took a few moments to collect his thoughts. He observed Nick fidget in the chair in front of him while he waited.

"Do you smoke, Nick?"

"Huh?" Nick answered in confusion, not expecting the doctor to ask him that.

"Do you smoke?" Dr. Jensen asked again. "I was just wondering, because you look like you could use one right now. I know it took a lot to tell me what you just did...well, I only asked cause it looks like you could use one, and to be honest, I could too."

Nick sighed at the doctor's comment and smiled. "Yeah. I could definitely use one." He watched as the doctor pulled out an ashtray from the bottom drawer of his desk and a pack of cigarettes from underneath a pile of papers. Dr. Jensen offered one to him, when Nick indicated that he had his own, but did accept a light.

"I thought doctor's were supposed to be against these?" Nick asked as they both leaned back in their chairs.

"We are, but to be honest with you, most doctor's pick up the habit in med school and most doctor's do smoke. It's the only quick stress relief there is, other than drinking of course, but you can see how the medical board frowns upon that." Dr. Jensen said, causing Nick to smile.

"I guess I could see that."

"Plus, I'm a Psychiatrist. I work with people's minds. I leave the body to my colleagues."

"So what do you think of my mind, Doc? What's the diagnosis? You think you can fix it like it used to be, or is it already too fucked up?" Nick blankly asked the question he'd been wondering since he started coming to the Jensen's clinic.

"This is going to sound cliché, but that's up to you. All I can do is listen and help you on your way."

Nick frowned at his answer, letting the cigarette slowly burn in his hand as he. He was hoping for a quick fix, a few magical words from the good doctor that would make things better. When it became apparent that it wouldn't happen, for the first time, Nick realized that the way he felt now wasn't just a phase, but a life-altering thing.

Dr. Jensen saw the realization Nick had as well.

"You said earlier that you fell in love for the first time and then got your heart broken. Was that Brian you were talking about?"

Nick nodded.

"Did you ever speak to him about what happened?"

Nick shook his head no.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

Nick nodded once again, this time looking at Dr. Jensen, trying to steel his nerves. He fought back the urge to cry...he had already done too much of that. Nick cleared his throat and closed his eyes. He took one last drag from the cigarette he held between his fingers, exhaled the smoke and put it out in the ashtray sitting on the desk.

"I woke up the next day, part of me hoping Brian would be in bed with me..." Nick said, but shook away the memory. "Anyway, basically I found out later on that he didn't want to talk about it." He said in a cold voice. "I wanted to, but he didn't. He wouldn't even look at me when I asked him. He said he didn't remember and that it'd be better if we forgot it happened.

Those were his exact words.

"I didn't know what to say. I was shocked, pissed and definitely confused. He took away my virginity and then said it'd be better if we forgot about it. I didn't know what to say. What could I say? I didn't want to forget. I wanted us to be together, but he didn't. I wanted to work things out." Nick said, unable to hide his frustration any longer. "I still do...I think..."

After a moment of reflection, Nick continued.

"I felt dirty...and used, and he didn't care, and I had no one to talk to anymore. My first time with him wasn't supposed to be like that. It was supposed to be pure and good, but it wasn't. What did I do wrong?" Nick said, looking at Dr. Jensen for an answer.

For the first time in his career, he didn't know what to say.

"He was supposed to say that he loved me too." Nick said with a pained expression in his eyes.

He took a deep breath before continuing. "This all happened after the funeral. We haven't talked since. Well, we have when other people are in the room, and at other times we just pretend. Otherwise, that was the last time we actually talked and that was months ago. That's the one good thing about being in the business, you get real good at pretending sometimes, that you don't even know what's real and what's fake anymore.

You get these ideas in your head and you believe them, no matter how fucked up they are. So to everyone else, we're still best friends. Frick and Frack forever." Nick finished, his voice convincing. Had Dr. Jensen not known what he knew, he would've been inclined to believe Nick.

"The other guys know there's something wrong. They just won't say it.

They're afraid they'll just upset me. They treat me like glass now...afraid that I'll break. Kevin asked me once though. It caught me off guard, but I just told him Brian and I got into a fight. I know he didn't believe me, but he hasn't said anything since.

"I guess it was a good thing that we had to deal with the funeral that day. At least for a little while, I stopped thinking about what happened."

A knock came at Nick's bedroom door followed by Howie's head as he peeked in.

"Hey Nick, you ready?"

Yeah. I just gotta put on my tie." Nick said as he tugged on the silk fabric that hung around his neck.

"SHIT!!!" Nick yelled in aggravation. "That's the third fucking time."

"Woah...hold up kid. Don't get frustrated." Howie said, as he saw what happened. He walked into the room and stood beside Nick. He looked at their reflection in the mirror and saw that the back of Nick's tie was much longer than the front.

"God...I'm so stupid." Nick said, pulling at the knot in his tie.

"Hold on...You're not stupid. It's just a little tricky. It's not the end of the world. We can fix this." Howie said, pulling Nick's tie to the right length around his neck.

"We're gonna be late because of me. It's all my fault."

"Would you stop saying that? It's not your fault because we're not going to be late. This will just take a few seconds." Howie struggled a little with tying Nick's tie because of their obvious height difference. "How'd you get through all these years without having this much trouble with your necktie before?" Howie asked, as he effortlessly weaved the silken fabric around into a knot.

"Kevin." Nick said slightly disappointed, because Kevin wasn't there.

"Oh." Howie said with mild disappointment in his voice. He wondered where he was all of those times he could've been there to help Nick, instead of having him constantly rely just on Kevin. That thought was stronger now more than ever, because he wasn't blind to the way Kevin had been distancing himself from Nick lately.

Howie noticed Nick look at him for the way he had said that. "I mean...figures." He said, attempting to draw away Nick's suspicions.

"Yeah...either that or it was a clip on." Nick answered. "Why did you just say..."

"There. Done." Howie exclaimed, centering Nick's tie. "C'mon, let's go or we'll really be late." Howie said to Nick's confused reflection in the mirror.

Nick stared back at Howie's reflection and forgot about his question.

"Thanks."

The ride to the cemetery was as quiet and uneventful as yesterday's drive to the funeral home. It was slowly becoming the same sad repetition. Everyone was already waiting, when Nick and Howie arrived at the limousine. They didn't say a word as they took their seats across from each other.

Nick looked around at each of his bandmates, but they didn't bother to look back. Instead, each one picked a spot to stare at, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

Nick glanced over at A.J. who sat next to Howie, and noticed a bandage wrapped around his right hand, no doubt as a result of the impromptu redecorating he did to his room. He looked at Kevin next, who sat next to him with his eyes closed and head leaned back over the top of the seat. He was obviously tired from spending half the night awake, taking care of A.J.

Nick fought hard, but he couldn't resist the urge to look at Brian next. He wanted so badly to talk to him, even after last night, but Brian denied that desire of his. The wall that Brian erected between them made it apparent to Nick that they wouldn't be talking anytime soon.

So Nick stared.

He stared at Brian's small frame, as he stared into nothingness out the blackened window he sat next to. Nick's gaze settled on Brian's face, still wanting to look into his eyes at least, but the dark sunglasses he wore hid the two windows Nick wanted so badly to peer into.

A frown grew on his face as he turned back, catching Howie's eye instead. He was the only one who bothered to look at him now. He even had a smile for Nick, which he was grateful for. For the rest of the ride, Nick resigned to staring at the black, synthetic carpeting that covered the floor of the limousine.

He was about to go through one of the most difficult events of his life...alone.

"Amen." Everyone said in unison after the priest had finished his prayer.

Nick watched as Ewan's family sat down, while everyone else remained standing. He managed to catch a glimpse of Ewan's mother behind the black veil that covered her face. She sat with one hand holding her husband's, the other clutching onto a tissue. Ewan's brother and sister stood off to the side. Jonothan had one arm around his sister, her head bowed into his chest as she let go of quiet sobs. They all watched as the priest continued the service, his voice carrying over the tears, cries and sniffles.

Nick's gaze panned from the family to the coffin that held Ewan, which was now sealed shut. It hovered over the hollowed out earth, which was to be his final resting place. A large wreath bearing Ewan's name lay on top of the silver box. He was clutching a single red rose in his sweaty hand at the moment, waiting for his turn to place it on top of the coffin.

"Father you said unto Your Son, You are from dust and to dust thou shalt return. Watch over Your beloved son Ewan David McGovern as we return his body to the earth from whence it came, and as his soul makes its journey back to your loving arms."

"Amen." Everyone said once again. He bowed his head as the priest blessed Ewan's coffin with holy water.

"In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost..."

"Amen."

Never seeing a funeral service before, Nick watched carefully, as the priest closed the large, leather bound book he held in his hands, letting it fall to his side, while making the sign of the cross with his right hand. Nick watched intensely, mesmerized by what was going on around him, also not wanting to forget a second of it. He watched the man robed in black close his tired, old, weary eyes and his lips move in silent prayer, wondering how many times he's performed this ceremony in his life.

Next, the priest moved away followed by the two altar boys dressed in black robes, one carrying a candle, the other incense. Nick breathed in the damp morning air intermingling with the smell he associated with going to church on Christmas or Easter. The only difference was, this time there wasn't going to be any presents to open or eggs to hunt out after the service,

Although it was nearly ten o'clock in the morning, it felt as if it was later in the day. Dark clouds loomed overhead, blocking out the sun...the source of all life. Nick felt his hands begin to numb, as the cold wind blew its icy breath on them, but he stood still, afraid to move.

He watched as the crowd who gathered around Ewan's coffin began to thin as each person walked by one final time, and placed a rose on top of the cold metal. Ewan's family was the first to say goodbye to their son and brother, and they too walked away, heads downcast, Ewan's father and brother leading his mother and sister away. Soon, the crowd too paid their final respects, fighting the gusts of wind that blew in their face, almost keeping them from performing this final gesture, screaming in their face to not let it end; one final plea from the dead to the living.

Kevin, Howie, A.J. and Brian were the last ones to go. They went as a group, leaving Nick behind. He watched as each one walked up to where their friend lay and say their own quiet goodbyes. Howie almost didn't make it. A.J. caught him as he broke down in tears. When it was over, they walked past Nick, grief showing on their faces, as he stood frozen and unmoved, still staring at the coffin, now covered in a sea of red.

He was alone.

As A.J. walked Howie up the hill towards the awaiting limousine, he looked back towards Nick and sighed.

'What is he doing?' He thought to himself, but turned back around, as he needed to get Howie in the car. When he arrived at the limousine, Brian was already seated at the far end, staring out of the window. He looked up at Kevin, who was now standing at the top of the hill, staring back at Nick.

'What's going on?' A.J. thought to himself. He felt as if everyone around him was falling apart.

"Kev." A.J. said in a strained voice, under the weight he was carrying. "Kevin." He said louder this time...still no response. It wasn't until he was standing next to Kevin, Howie's arm around his neck, that he was brought out of his trance.

"Kevin."

"What?"

"Take Howie. I'll go check on Nick."

"Huh?" Kevin answered still staring at the lone figure.

A.J. finally just took Howie and gently pushed him onto Kevin. "Oh." Kevin responded. "Right. C'mon Howie. It'll be okay." Kevin said reassuringly as he returned to his fatherly role, and led Howie into the limo.

A.J. started to trek back across the now soft earth. It had started to drizzle in the past few minutes. When he reached Nick, he stood directly in front of him, hoping to get his attention.

"Nick. You okay kid?" A.J. asked but received no response. He noticed that it looked like Nick was trying to stare right through him. "Nick, it's starting to rain. We've gotta go. Everyone else is waiting...Nick?"

Still, no answer.

A.J. watched as the rain started to matte down Nick's blonde hair, and slowly streak down his face. There was a lost look in his eyes, as if nothing existed in the world...as if he no longer existed either. A.J. took off his sunglasses to get a better look. He took his hand, extended it and shook Nick's shoulder, but still there was no response.

"Nicky?" A.J. called out, before bringing his hand under Nick's chin and lifting his face. He looked right into Nick's eyes, and was terrified at what he saw. There was nothing there. The usual childlike glint that was present even when he was sad was gone. There only existed an emptiness...a void. That was when A.J. gave up. He walked back up the hill defeated, struggling to keep his footing, despite the combination of the rain slicked ground and his dress shoes.

As he passed by the ring of trees that outlined the gravel drive, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that someone was hiding behind one of them. His curiosity brought him to the stranger. The stranger never saw him coming. It seemed that he was too busy watching the scene below.

"Hey!" A.J. said through the sound of falling rain.

"Huh?" The man quickly turned around, startled by A.J.'s sudden appearance.

"It's you, isn't it?" A.J. questioned, unable to recognizing him from behind the bloodshot eyes and his rain slicked face.

"Yeah. It's me."

"I didn't see you at the funeral."

"I thought it might not be a good idea to come. I just watched from a distance."

"Oh." Was all A.J. could say.

After an uncomfortable silence, Jim decided to break it. "What's up with Nick? Is he alright?"

"I don't know man. He won't listen to anybody. It looks like he just wants to stand there." A.J. said, looking back towards Nick. "He's gonna get sick or something if he stays out here any longer." A.J. added as he turned up the collar on his jacket, hoping to keep out the cold.

"Where are the others?"

"They're in the limo taking care of Howie, I think."

"He was the one who collapsed?"

"Yeah."

"I went back to check on Nick, but...I don't know, man. It's freaky."

"He probably just needs some time."

"Yeah. In the meantime, we have to wait for him. He still hasn't moved. It looks like he's gonna be a while."

"Where are you guys staying?"

"We're at The Plaza. Why?"

"Why don't you guys go on ahead? I'll stay here with Nick and make sure he gets back safe."

"You don't have to do that."

"It's cool. I have my car here, and it is a pretty long ride. Plus, I still haven't been able to say goodbye yet either."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Go on ahead. We'll catch up with you later. It'll give him some time."

"Thanks, bro. You're a good guy."

"No problem." Jim answered with a slight smile.

Just as A.J. was about to walk away, he turned back around. "Oh...and...thanks for the other thing too. I'm sorry I blew up at you back in Michigan."

Jim was speechless. He had forgotten about the incident where A.J. reacted badly to his plan. He just smiled back and nodded his head. He watched as A.J. turned around and disappear into the waiting car. He waited for the door to close and soon enough, the black, stretch limousine was on its way.

Nick continued to stare into the distance, at the silver coffin in front of him, as it now glistened with rain. He was never religious, even more so now after all that had happened, but he couldn't help think that it was the tears from angels that fell on top of the metallic box.

He hadn't cried at all throughout the funeral service. Even when Stephanie, Ewan's sister, got up to read a poem she had written about her brother. He thought if anything, that would've gotten to him, but there were no tears. He didn't want to cry anymore. Nick finally accepted that no amount of sadness, or no amount of tears would bring his best friend back.

Nick was so deep in thought that he hadn't seen Jim walk past him. It wasn't until Jim made his way towards the coffin that Nick noticed someone else was there with him. He watched as Jim plucked a flower from one of the floral arrangements that surrounded the burial site, and lay it next to the others. The white rose Jim chose looked out of place, surrounded by all of the other red ones. Nick continued to watch as Jim stood in place, taking up the same position Nick was growing tired of seeing, his head bowed in reverence and his hands folded in prayer.

They both stood silently, allowing the rain to shower over them. After a few minutes, Nick decided to join him near the casket. His body ached with pain as he realized for the first time that he was soaking wet and freezing cold. Soon, he stood next to Jim, neither one breaking the silence. Nick took the rose he had been holding in his hand, and placed it down next to Jim's. He was about to bring back his hand, when he felt Jim's cover it. Nick looked quizzically at him, but his gaze remained steadfast on their friend in front of them. Nick realized what he was doing, and accepted Jim's hand in his.

"You shouldn't be sad." Jim said, awaiting a response, but receiving none.

"He's gone because he loved you, Nick. He loved you enough to give his life for you. He knew you'd do the same thing for him, that's why he did it. He wasn't trying to be a hero. He just loved you too much to watch you die." Jim said into the silence. Nick didn't know how to respond.

"I know if he was here right now, he'd tell you not to take your life for granted. You should always live it to its fullest, cause you never know when it will end. I'm sure he didn't expect to die like that, but I know he didn't regret it. You shouldn't either.

"He's given you a second chance. Don't waste it on guilt, or anger, or hate, Nick. That's what I loved about Ewan. He never lived his life for the bad...only good. He knew better than that...and I want you to know that too." Jim said, finally turning to meet Nick's eyes. He wasn't sure if he saw a tear escape, or if it was just another raindrop making its way down Nick's face, but Jim somehow knew Nick was listening.

"I lost the love of my life, Nick. I'm not sure if I'll ever love someone as much as I love Ewan. That's the other thing I wanted to tell you. Don't let the love of your life get away. Even if you have to fight for it, it's worth it."

Nick knew Jim was talking about Brian. He wanted so badly to tell Jim what happened last night...how he lost his virginity to Brian... He wanted to ask him what to do. He needed advice, and the one person who could've helped him, was now about to be buried underneath six feet of dirt. He wanted to tell Jim everything...but he couldn't. Nick couldn't find the words.

"Tell the people you love, that you love them...don't hold back. That's the one regret I have. I never told Ewan. He never knew..." Jim said, choking back tears.

When he heard that, Nick suddenly forgot about his dilemma. His mind raced, trying to find the words to say and the strength to say them.

It came as a whisper, but even over the rain and the wind, it was too powerful for Jim to miss.

"He...He...knew. Ewan knew. I told him." Nick said, as Jim locked gazes with him, searching Nick's soul...wondering if he was telling the truth. "I told him that you loved him...back...back in Michigan. After the party...when we were walking down the street...right...right...right," Nick hesitated. "Right before it happened." Nick found the strength to say, even though he knew it was a lie.

"Did...I mean...what...God...did he say anything???" Jim stuttered in surprise.

Before the thought even fully formed in his head, the words were already out of Nick's mouth.

"He said that he loved you too."

Suddenly, he felt two arms envelope his body as Jim was wracked with uncontrollable emotion. He held Nick tight, his body convulsing as he sobbed into Nick's already wet dress shirt.

"Thank you." Jim repeatedly said into Nick's body.

The only thing he could do now, was hold Jim in his arms as the angels in heaven wept...drowning the two of them in their sorrow.

"The next day, we got on a plane back to Orlando to start promoting our new album. It was back to the same routine, same hectic schedules, and the same old shit. It was like we just had to forget everything that happened and go on with our lives.

"It went on like that, I guess, until I couldn't hack it any longer. Things just got worse and worse, and that's how I ended up here." Nick said matter of factly, letting the doctor know that he didn't want to continue.

"Well, I still do want to hear about all of the events that led up to your first visit, but you've gotten through a lot today, so we'll stop here for now." Dr. Jensen said standing up from his seat, followed by Nick.

"That was a good session, Nick. I know you're anxious to have everything fixed so that you can feel normal again, but it's going to have to take time. If it helps any, I think you took some pretty big steps in that direction today."

"Thanks Doc." Nick said with a forced smile. He started to walk back to the waiting room when Dr. Jensen stopped him.

"Oh, and you can send your friend...Howie is it?" He asked as Nick nodded. "He said earlier that he wanted to see me." Dr. Jensen said as Nick looked at him in confusion. "Don't worry, I won't tell him anything you've told me. Just let him know to come back here when he's ready."

The suspicious look remained on Nick's face as he turned around to leave, causing Dr. Jensen to wonder if his patient would ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again.

Well...what'd ya think??? I'd love to know!!! Drop me a line!!!

If this one didn't get your attention...then I don't know!!! I think I'll feel a bit insulted too if at least one of you didn't bitch me out for this one. I guess to answer a question most of yall are probably thinking...Nope...this one isn't a dream, although I'm pretty proud of the way it turned out.

Side Note:

I know today probably isn't the most opportune time to post a new chapter after the horrific thing that happened yesterday, but it just happened that way I guess.

I'm not much of a religious guy...but if you do pray, please pray for all those who died or gave their lives trying to help those who were trapped.

I was in midtown Manhattan when it happened yesterday, and for all of you who don't live in or near New York...the pictures and clips on TV don't come close to the real thing.

Mayor Giulianni said it best, I think, when he said that we won't forget what happened but we must show the world that it won't stop us. So tomorrow...it's business as usual. I think that's the best thing we can all do.

rtstories@hotmail.com