Because I Love You

Author's Note:

Not much to say this time around...here's Chapter 18.

Legal Disclaimer:

This work is purely fiction. It is purely derived from the mind of the author and in no way dictates the sexual orientation of any of the Back Street Boys. Only in my mind do I truly believe they're gay, and in love with me. Any similarity to real life, or to someone's life, is purely coincidental. It contains homosexual subject matter. If you're not into that, why not??? Gay porn/erotica is way hotter than heterosexual porn!!! Do not read any further if you are under the legal age for viewing this material in your country, state, province, city, town, suburb, home, shack, hole in the wall, cardboard box, van down by the river, trailer home, room, or dormitory at Hogwart's School of Witches and Wizards, or closet.

End of Chapter Seventeen

"If there's anything I can do..." Kevin started to say, "...I mean if ever you need anything..."

"Well, there is one thing. I kinda need a ride back to my place." Jim said sheepishly.

"That's all? I was thinking more along the lines of one of our first born children." Kevin joked.

"Not necessary. A ride will do."

"I'll set it up with Marc."

"Thanks."

"No, we should be the one thanking you. You're saving our asses by doing this."

"Well...Just promise me that you'll help Nick get through this okay, and we'll call it even. He's a good kid."

"I know...and I promise."

To my one true Angel...you're both an inspiration to my life, and to this story...

Because I Love You By: Lucas

Chapter 17

"Two scoops..." Nick's voice trailed off.

"What was that?" Dr. Jensen asked as he sat watching Nick drift off in thought.

"Huh?" The blonde teenager answered, brought out of his daydream by the doctor's voice.

"You just said 'two scoops.'"

"Hmmm...I guess I did." Nick answered with a half smile. "I was just thinking..."

"Can you tell me what you were thinking about?"

Nick was hesitant at first, but eventually answered. "I was just thinking back on the days after the acci...the acc..." Nick tried again, but couldn't say the word - he didn't believe it. "I was just thinking about the things that happened afterwards." He finally said, his eyes downcast. "I was thinking about something Kevin did...or what he usually does.

"You see...when one of us is upset or if we have to go through something difficult that Kevin knows about, he usually goes and gets us ice cream. He's really adamant about us watching what we eat, especially when you combine me with anything that has sugar in it...especially ice cream." Nick trailed off once again, unconsciously smiling at the distant memory.

"Anyway, he usually makes sure we only get like one scoop, but when things are pretty bad for us, he gives us two scoops instead of one. It's his way of cheering us up, I guess. He doesn't even need to say anything. When he puts that bowl in front of you...you just know...and for that one moment when he smiles at you, you know everything is gonna be alright.

"It never fails...he never fails. It's like a natural reaction with him...probably doesn't even know he does it." Nick's words were genuine because he spoke them from the heart. For a moment, Dr. Jensen caught a glimpse of that pure joy that he somehow knew embodied Nick, through the smile that punctuated his thoughts about Kevin, but even that too was short lived as Nick's smile quickly faded and Dr. Jensen noticed a pained expression replace it.

"There wasn't any ice cream that day...we didn't get any...I didn't get my two scoops."

"What day was that?"

"The last day I ever got to see Ewan."

Nick sat in silence on the edge of his bed, staring at the dark shine of his black shoes. He had been sitting there for the past hour...waiting. Unsure of what he was actually waiting for, he maintained his watch with diligence.

Lately, it seemed that he had fallen into this routine. He hated the silence because it offered him time to think, which at this point wasn't healthy. If he wasn't with one of the others, he'd be sitting and waiting. He'd sit still, surrounded by the painful silence, until someone came and got him, or told him what to do. That's what he was doing now...sitting still...waiting.

There was a knock at the door, but Nick didn't bother to answer it, partly because he was lost in another world and partly because he lacked the energy to do so. Either way, whoever it was knew to just come in. Nick never locked his door anymore. It wasn't his choice to do so. It was mostly the rest of the group's decision.

"Nick?" A voice called into the room. It was repeated until its owner came face to face with him. "Hey Nick...you ready?" The voice tentatively asked, not wanting to upset him.

When Nick didn't answer, Brian pulled over a chair and sat directly across from him.

"Hey...you alright?"

"I'm fine." Nick responded curtly. "...and I'm tired of people asking me if I'm alright." Brian was about to say something when Nick cut him off. "I'm not the one who's dead, so of course I'm alright." Nick continued, still staring at his shoes.

Not knowing what to say, Brian sat back in frustration. The past few days were already trying and filled with difficulty, and Nick's latest outbursts wasn't making it any easier on him or on anyone else.

He thought of a response, but there wasn't one he could think of that didn't involve some yelling, and yelling at Nick was definitely out of the question. A noticeable silence had passed between them when Nick spoke first.

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have said that."

"It's alright. This week's been rough on all of us."

Nick thought about Brian's comment and realized that he had been so consumed by his own grief and self-pity lately, that he hadn't really given any thought as to how the others were dealing with Ewan's death. His demeanor softened a bit, before being consumed this time by a wave of guilt.

Brian noticed the change in Nick's facial expression and could only wonder what he was thinking about now. It was the same question he often asked himself in the past few days.

"Hey...I think we're heading down in a few...I...I just wanted to come in and see if you were ready." Brian said, not wanting to discuss Nick's thoughts.

"I'm dressed, if that's what you were asking. I have been for the past hour." Nick quietly added. "But I don't know if I'm ready for this."

Brian sat in silence before answering. "I don't think any of us are either. I know it's been a few days already and we've all known this was coming...but still..."

"I just wish it was all over."

"Yeah...me too..."

Each of them sat quietly in their seats, lost in their own thoughts as they drove to the funeral home. Once in a while, A.J. would try to fill the silence, but any attempt at starting a conversation was quickly ended by a one-word answer or a simple nod from one of the others. He eventually gave up and resigned himself to the quiet. The only other sound that penetrated the stillness came from Kevin's cell phone, but even that too stopped after the second call he'd received. For the first time since any of them could remember, Kevin turned his cell phone off.

As soon as the car stopped, signaling their imminent arrival, they each mechanically stepped outside and approached the funeral home. This time, there were no fans to greet them, or holding signs and screaming their names. This wasn't the time or place for that... This was a time of mourning, loss, and sadness.

They followed Kevin through the front doors and into the foyer, where a man dressed in the customary black suit pointed them in the right direction, telling Kevin that they were to go to room two.

'Room two...Room two?' Kevin thought to himself, realizing that not everyone who came through those doors today came to see Ewan. They came to see a mother, father, wife, husband, grandparent, child, or friend. Though the person they came to see differed, their purpose was still the same. They'd all come to see a loved one for the last time, and to say goodbye.

Kevin led them down the hall in the direction the man had pointed him in. One by one, without thought and as if by instinct, they followed Kevin as they always have. Silently, they passed a sign that read "Room 1." Out of curiosity, Kevin's eyes were momentarily diverted past the polished, oak double doors that lay open, inviting people to walk through them. Inside were red, cushioned, velvet covered chairs, neatly placed in rows, so that no one's view was obstructed, never letting them forget why they were there.

Those who were seated in those chairs, sat still as statues, afraid to disturb the temporary sanctuary they were now in. They all stared blankly towards the front of the room; their eyes focused on the body that once housed the life of someone they once knew...someone they once laughed with...someone they once held in their arms or held them as they cried...someone they once loved, and in death...will continue to love.

Kevin led them past the first room towards a sign that read "Room 2 - Ewan McGovern." They had finally reached their destination, but only taken the first step. He wondered how many other "rooms" were in the funeral home.

It's a wonder how anyone could be in the business of death.

Kevin was the first to reach another set of polished oak double doors, this time inviting him in...inviting them all to come and visit one last time. He was the first to peer inside. He was the first to see the red, cushioned velvet covered chairs, neatly placed in rows. He was the first to see the people sitting as still as statues, staring blankly at the front of the room. He followed their gaze as it settled on that familiar face, and he was the first to be filled with complete sadness.

Although many days had already passed since the accident, finally seeing Ewan's body laying peacefully inside the polished coffin introduced him to the finality and reality of their friend's death. He abruptly stopped, keeping the others from moving forward, unable to move...not knowing what to do. He turned around.

Nick's head hung low as he blindly followed his friends, until he realized that they had stopped. He wondered what was wrong and lifted his head.

For the first time since the night of the accident, his eyes met Kevin's. It was unintentional, but it happened. Both Nick and Kevin had been avoiding each other since the night at the hospital, always feeling awkward at the presence of the other. Kevin could not understand why he avoided talking to Nick or even looking at him, but like clockwork, every time Nick came near him or walked into the room, he'd look away, but there was no avoiding it now. Their eyes were locked, and what Nick saw scared him.

It was that look coming from Kevin that Nick was trying to avoid. It was a look filled with fear, confusion, sorrow, anger, but most of all disappointment. Although Nick hadn't seen it until now, he knew that was how Kevin felt toward him. Nick didn't need to look at him to know that. Seeing him now only confirmed what were once just his suspicions.

He feared that look on Kevin's face, because somehow Nick knew that he was the one who put it there. Nick quickly looked away and excused himself to the bathroom. Hearing Nick's voice, Brian tried to follow as he usually did, but Kevin stopped him, telling him to let Nick alone. He tried to protest, but the scrutiny of Kevin's parental eye was too much. He gave up without a fight, and along with the others, continued on into the room where the sign outside read "Room 2 - Ewan Mc Govern."

The sound of a toilet flushing echoed through the empty bathroom. A latch slid and opened with a click. The door to a stall creaked as it swung open, and the shuffling of expensive leather soles on the industrial tile floor of the funeral home bathroom could be heard as Nick walked out. He walked towards the sink and turned on the faucet. The water cascaded over his cupped hands as he bent down to splash it over his face. He reached for a paper towel from the dispenser on the wall to dry his face and hands. He looked at his reflection in the mirror that hung above the sink. Nick fixed his tie, straightened his suit jacket and took in a deep breath as he continued to stare at his reflection, and as he tried to shake the image of the look on Kevin's face out of his mind.

The dark bags under his eyes and the red puffiness within them was evidence of the sleepless nights filled with tears he had been experiencing.

When he was able to sleep, his dreams often times turned into nightmares, and even when he was awake, it still felt like he was living through one of those nightmares.

He stared at his reflection one last time, wondering when it would all end. Anxious to get this part over with, he told himself it was time. He was beginning to grow weary of the prolonged agony. As much as he wanted to, he couldn't run away or hide from everyone and everything any longer. Nick stepped outside of the bathroom, but immediately stopped in mid-step when was greeted by a familiar face.

"Steph?" Nick's unused voice croaked out.

"Hi, Nick." The teenage girl responded shyly.

"What are you doing here?" Nick asked, but only received a confused look as if to say, 'Why wouldn't I be at my own brother's wake?'

"I mean...what are you doing down here? Why aren't you upstairs?"

For a moment she thought he was mad at her for disturbing him.

"I...I..." she tried to explain. "I saw the guys upstairs and they said you were down here...so I...so I came down to see you." Stephanie tentatively explained, biting down on her lower lip in nervousness. She had already lost her brother, the last thing she wanted was to lose Nick too.

"Oh, Steph...I'm not..." Nick said, trying to explain that he wasn't mad, but the next thing he knew, Stephanie had wrapped her arms around Nick's waist and buried her face in his chest. After a moment of confusion, Nick found himself hugging her tightly. It wasn't until he felt a wetness soak through his shirt that Nick realized she was crying.

"I miss him, Nick." She sobbed into him. "I miss him so much."

"I miss him too, hun...I miss him too."

There was so much more he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her how kind her brother was and how much everyone loved him, but most of all Nick longed to tell her the truth.

'She has a right to know.' Nick reasoned, but all he could muster was the courage and the strength to say a feeble, "I'm sorry."

Upstairs, the others were left to deal with the customary motions that came with attending a wake. They had paid their respects to Ewan's family earlier, and were now awaiting their turn to say one final goodbye to the dead. A.J. and Kevin stood in line next to the coffin where Ewan lay, while Brian and Howie stood off to the side, admiring the myriad of flowers that filled the entire room.

"Hey Bri, I think this one's from your family." Howie said, pointing to an arrangement of lilies.

"Really?"

"Yeah. I think so. I recognize your mom's handwriting." Howie said, as Brian peered over at the card.

"Yeah...that's from mom." Brian confirmed with a smile. "No one but Ewan ever called her 'Big Momma Littrell...' see," Brian said pointing to the card, "She even signed it that way."

Brian's smile faded when he thought about his mother. He couldn't even begin to imagine how much pain Ewan's mother felt at that moment, because Brian knew how sad his mother would be if he or his brother were to be taken away so suddenly. In fact, he caught a glimpse of that sadness the other day, when he had told her Ewan had died. They spent hours on the phone that day; each one taking turns crying and comforting the other.

"Hey, you okay?" Howie asked.

Brian was brought out of his thoughts when he felt Howie's hand on his shoulder. "Yeah, I'm alright. I was just thinking."

"What about?"

"My mom...Ewan's mom."

"Ah. I see." Howie said with understanding. "It's pretty hard on them. I mean, to lose you own child..." Howie trailed off. "I can still remember how sad my mom was when my sister died."

Brian looked towards Howie expecting to see sadness in his eyes at the memory of his sister. Brian had only met her once, but knew she and Howie were extremely close. When he turned around though, he was surprised to see an understanding smile coming from his friend. Brian returned the smile weakly, but was quickly brought back to the contemplative state he was in a moment ago. His brows furrowed in thought and his jaw clenched.

"Whatcha' thinkin' about now?"

"The lilies." Brian sighed.

"Yeah, they are nice. Your mom's always had good taste."

"She does, but that wasn't what I was thinking of. She knew his favorite flowers where lilies." Brian stated, almost as if he were asking a question.

"Yeah. It probably came up in conversation one time and it just stuck with her." Howie said, not sure what Brian was getting at.

"I guess...Actually, I'm pretty sure it did." He said, followed by a pause. "Did you know that they used to talk on the phone a lot?"

Howie shook his head no.

"They did. I didn't know that until my mom told me the other day. He probably talks to her more than I do." Brian said, shaking his head with a slight smile.

From years of being his friend, Howie finally realized what Brian was trying to say.

"I don't think she even knows what my favorite flowers are."

"That's not true. You're her son. She has to know." Howie rebutted as Brian thought for a moment.

"No. I don't think so." Brian said sadly. "I left home so early, and since then I've just been too busy..."

"C'mon, that's not true. I've seen you and your family when you get together. It's the same way with my family and everyone else's in the group. We come home, they're happy to see us and it's like we weren't gone at all."

"Yeah. I can't help but think that something's missing though. Like it wouldn't be missing if I had just stayed home or talked with her more."

"What are you saying, Bri? Are you...Don't you..."

"No...No...I don't regret joining the group, nor do I plan on quitting, if that's what you were thinking." Howie sighed a sigh of relief when he heard this. He knew it was selfish of him to think that way, but Brian leaving the group was the last thing he needed at that moment.

"If I hadn't joined the group, I would've missed out on the music, touring, the fans, you guys...and Ewan. All things that I love. I guess what I'm saying is that...that...that I can't help but feel that something's missing."

"What? What's missing?"

"I don't know. I'm probably just being stupid."

"C'mon. Tell me. If it's bothering you this much, it can't be that stupid."

"I feel like I'm missing a closeness, like a familiar understanding, or..."

"A connection." Howie interrupted Brian's thought.

"Yeah. That's it, someone who knows me inside and out and more than I know myself; someone who can predict my every move and finish my thoughts or sentences. Someone that will make me feel special." Brian explained. "Isn't there someone who makes you feel that way?"

Howie nodded. "Yeah. There is."

"Who?"

"My mom."

"See. I don't think my mom knows me that well."

"It's different with me, man. My mom's my best friend. Ever since I could remember, I told her everything and we'd talk about it. Even now I try and at least call her once a day." Howie said, trying to ease Brian's troubled mind, but sensing he wasn't being overly successful. "What about Kevin? He's your own cousin...or us? You see us everyday and I like to think I know you like that." Howie added, causing Brian to think.

"Do you know what my favorite flower is?"

Howie thought hard and fast not wanting to disappoint him, but in the end shook his head no.

"See."

"Well...does anyone know what your favorite flower is?"

"Nick does, and I think Ewan too." Brian said matter of factly.

"Well...there you go. You've still got Nick." Howie said triumphantly.

"Oh yeah...Nick." Brian said, causing Howie to give him a questioning look because of the way he had said his best friend's name. "Great. I guess I'm supposed to take comfort in the fact that of the only two people I connect with, one has been pushing me away for months and is now slowly falling apart, and the other is dead. Yup Howie...My life's pretty darn good right now." Brian said with a pained smile, as he started to walk away leaving Howie in shock.

He shook his head in confusion and then at the realization of exactly how much Ewan's death was affecting everyone.

A.J. stood uncomfortably next to Kevin. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched as Kevin made the sign of the cross with his right hand and then bow his head. Unsure of what to do, or of what he was supposed to do, A.J. quickly imitated Kevin's gestures.

He watched as Kevin stood there meditatively, his eyes closed and lips moving in silent prayer. A.J. closed his eyes and tried to recall some of the prayers his mother taught him as a child, but couldn't. Having let go of religion and even God long ago, A.J. gave up in frustration. He kept his head bowed and opened his eyes, staring into the coffin where Ewan lay before him.

He stared at the body of the person he once knew, now devoid of any life. A.J.'s brows furrowed in thought as he took in with great detail the image before him.

"He looks so peaceful...like he's just sleeping." A.J. heard Kevin say.

A.J. paused for a moment before responding. "Are you delusional? Of course he looks peaceful. He's dead. How else is he supposed to look?"

Kevin turned towards A.J. with a confused look on his face. As the seconds ticked by, he began to notice A.J. become more and more disturbed. "What's on his lips?" Kevin heard A.J. ask.

He turned to look and answered, "I think that's thread. I guess the mortician had to sew his lips shut."

"Hmph." A.J. grunted.

"What?"

"Well, you got your wish then." A.J. half laughed.

"What are you talking about?"

"How many times have you said that you wished someone would sew his lips shut? See, now you've got your wish, Kev. Then again he's dead, so whether his lips are sewn shut or not doesn't really matter."

"I never meant..."

"Whatever. I was joking anyway. It was a joke. HA...HA!!!" A.J. said sarcastically. "God, can't anyone take a joke anymore? I think it's this fuckin' place. It's starting to cramp my style. All it is is filled with goddamn sadness. It'll suck the fucking life right out of anyone. I'm surprised we all haven't dropped dead yet!"

Kevin continued to stare at A.J., who all this time was still staring at Ewan.

"I mean...what about the happy times? Why isn't anyone thinking about them? Why do we all have to be so fuckin' selfish about this whole thing? Why's everyone just thinking about THEIR loss and how sad it makes THEM feel? They're not the ones who are dead for chrissakes, Ewan is.

"You know...if he were alive, he'd go out of his way just to make sure NO ONE was sad, and what do we do? We're all fuckin' standing here in a room, all pitiful and crying our eyes out. What the fuck's up with that? Am I the only one who even remembers what Ewan was all about? Christ, everyone's day brightened up whenever that boy walked into a room!!! Now all they do is cry..." A.J. trailed off.

Kevin stood dumbfounded at what A.J. had just said. He didn't know where all the anger was coming from. He stood still trying to read his friend. Kevin could see that underneath all that anger was a sadness that threatened to come out. He was about to tell A.J. that he had a right to be sad, just like everyone else and that it was all right to cry, when his tirade began again.

"And look...it doesn't even look like him." A.J. said pointedly, this time pointing to the corpse and to a picture of Ewan that stood next to the casket. "It's all wrong." A.J. said, turning towards Kevin. "LOOK." He demanded and all Kevin could do was obey.

"His face is all puffy, not to mention the really bad make up job they did on him..."

"A.J." Kevin said quietly, trying to maintain whatever solemnity was left in the room and trying to refrain A.J. from going any further, but he didn't listen.

"He looks like a drag queen. A really bad one at that!!! There's way too much blush, that lipstick is so not his color and that eye shadow...UGH...don't even get me started."

"A.J." Kevin said through clenched teeth this time, slightly embarrassed by A.J.'s particularly vocal comments, but he kept on.

"His hair is all wrong. He gelled his hair up! He never parted it like that and he never ever used that whatever shit's in is hair right now. The clothes are all wrong. I know he would've never have been caught dead in that outfit!!!"

"A.J.!!!"

"What?" A.J. returned, his voice filled with annoyance at being interrupted.

Kevin shot him an angered look and then cocked his head to the left. A.J. shot him an annoyed look before he turned towards where Kevin directed.

Several pairs of eyes stared back at him, some in confusion, some in amazement, some in anger at his behavior, but surprisingly some in agreement.

Typical of A.J.'s style, he said to them "What? It's true" and put on his sunglasses, before making a grand exit, never giving a second thought to a word he had said.

Kevin was left stunned and thoroughly embarrassed. He apologized to the people in the front and to those he passed on his way out of "Room 2."

"You know, Aaron's been asking about you a lot lately."

"Ugh." Stephanie answered, making a face that caused Nick to laugh. "Why?"

"I don't know." Nick laughed out. "I think he may have a crush on you." Nick teased.

"What? That's impossible. The last time I saw little Aaron Carter, all he was interested in was basketball, video games, and trying to drown me in the pool." Stephanie said, causing Nick to laugh again. He couldn't remember the last time he actually laughed.

"There's no way he could have a crush on me."

"Why not?"

"Cause he's SO immature." She answered in the typical way and tone most girls her age spoke in.

Nick smiled at her answer. "Well, that was a year ago, and you have to remember that we all grow up eventually."

"That's true...but still, we're talking about Aaron Carter here." She said causing Nick to chuckle. "'Sides, my brother warned me about you Carter boys."

Nick stopped laughing at Stephanie's mention of Ewan. He looked over at her, smiled a crooked smile and sighed. "I betcha he did. I knew he always had it out for me."

"Naw...he loved you." Stephanie said to Nick's surprise as if it was the most natural response. "He loved you like a brother. Probably even more than he loved Jonathan and he's our real brother, although I don't like to admit it sometimes." She said with a smile.

Nick didn't respond, but she knew he needed to hear those words.

"So...I guess we've both avoided it long enough..." Stephanie trailed off, as Nick noticed the sadness in her return. "You ready to go upstairs?"

Nick simply nodded. As they both stood up, they stared at each other and smiled awkwardly. Nick opened his arms and was soon holding his best friend's little sister in another embrace. He whispered a soft "Thank You," before they parted and Nick followed her up the stairs. With each step he took, he wondered to himself how, if seeing Stephanie this sad tore him up inside, he was going to face a room full of people just like her. At that point, Nick hated himself even more.

Well...what'd ya think??? I'd love to know!!! Drop me a line!!!

I wanna hear from all of ya reading this. I wanna know what you really think, and I'm kinda curious as to where you think the story is going, or where you'd like it to go.

Quick Story Recommendation:

One of my favorite stories has a Part 2. Go check out "Forever" and "Equilibrium" by DJ. "Forever" was one of the first stories I got into before I started writing and it's awesome. DJ's also really cool cause he helped me develop BILY in the early stages...so he definitely had a hand in what it's become today!!!