Because I Love You

Author's Note:

Alright...I'll keep this one short and sweet. Here's chapter 16. Chapter 16 is the beginning of Part II or like Phase II of "Because I Love You." The form is a bit different...you'll know what I mean when you start reading it. I hope you enjoy!!! And as always...I'd love to hear from you!!! (Even if it is to just say "You're a dork for not writing me back!!!") I promise I'll write back this time!!!

I just want to thank Kelly (Author of "Fixing the BackStreet Boys and "Life's Discoveries") real quick. She helped me out with the Doctor's dialogue and she took me to the BSB concert here...which was kick ass by the way!!! Thanks Kelly!!!

Also, this one's dedicated to Richard Grayson...you'll be missed.

Finally...Happy Anniversary to me!!! I know it ain't that important, but I got a kick out of the fact that today is exactly 1 year since I posted the first installment, and now today I kick off Part II. At this rate, I should be done by 2004!!! :) Thanks to all of you who've written me throughout the year. Because of BILY I've met some of the best people and are now friends with many of them. You guys are the best.

E-mail me at: rtstories@hotmail.com

Legal Disclaimer:

This work is purely fiction. It is purely derived from the mind of the author and in no way dictates the sexual orientation of any of the Back Street Boys. Only in my mind do I truly believe they're gay, and in love with me. Any similarity to real life, or to someone's life, is purely coincidental. It contains homosexual subject matter. If you're not into that, why not??? Gay porn/erotica is way hotter than heterosexual porn!!! Do not read any further if you are under the legal age for viewing this material in your country, state, province, city, town, suburb, home, shack, hole in the wall, cardboard box, van down by the river, trailer home, room, or dormitory at Hogwart's School of Witches and Wizards, or closet.

One last thing...If you haven't done so already...Go buy the new BSB album, "BLACK AND BLUE."

End of Chapter Fifteen

"BRIAN!!!" Nick shouted as he approached them. When he got to the two of them, he took Brian by the shoulders and shouted "I LOVE YOU!!!" And then he did the unthinkable...he kissed him.

Ewan and Jim stood there stunned at what Nick had just done. After Nick let go of Brian, they could see that he had a huge grin on his face. What he did next surprised everyone. He took off running into the middle of the street, shouting in celebration.

The three of them looked on in their drunken stupor, as once again Brian started to giggle uncontrollably. Soon enough, Jim and Ewan joined in, as they watched Nick jumping and spinning with his hands in the air.

The air was still that night. It wasn't quite warm enough to call it summer, but it was a nice spring night. The street was oddly quiet, except for their jovial laughter, but it still maintained a quality of serenity...Everything was falling into place.

They were all happy, and some were more than just drunk from the alcohol. They were drunk from love. From the deep-rooted filial love, to the even deeper true love, there was no doubt that each one of them was filled to the brim that night.

A light appeared in the distance, as Nick continued to celebrate, and as the others filled the night with laughter. As the seconds ticked on, the light grew brighter and brighter, illuminating the four of them, especially Nick. Suddenly, a sound could be heard along with the light, and it too grew louder and louder, as the lights grew more bright, but they all failed to notice it.

The air was still that night. It wasn't quite warm enough to call it summer, but it was a nice spring night...everything was perfect.

Their laughter was suddenly interrupted by a shrill noise, as Nick's name echoed in the night. The voice bounced off of the trees and the ground, as it invaded the night air.

The air was still that night. It wasn't quite warm enough to call it summer, but it was a nice spring night...everything was beginning to fall apart.

The pavement was rattled with footsteps. It could feel the urgency from its owner, as they pounded onto the pavement.

The air was still that night. It wasn't quite warm enough to call it summer, but it was a nice spring night...everything fell apart.

A loud screech replaced the laughter, followed by gasps. The crisp night air suddenly turned foul as the smell of burning rubber crept into their nostrils. The tranquility of the night was destroyed.

Suddenly, everything went black. A blinding darkness overcame the four of them.

Sound was the only sense they had left, but it quickly became their enemy. There was a loud thump, followed by the sound of shattering glass...and then a loud silence.

Through the silence, the screeching could be heard once again, like a cry in the night, followed by more thumping, but there was a more painful sound that penetrated the night.

The most painful sound of all echoed when a life came to an end.

Just as the lights suddenly appeared, they disappeared into the night.

The air was still that night. It wasn't quite warm enough to call it summer, but it was a nice spring night...everything changed forever.

To my one true Angel...you're both an inspiration to my life, and to this story...

Dedicated to the memory of Richard Grayson...a great fan, but mostly a great friend. You'll be missed...

Because I Love You By: Lucas

Chapter 16

"Doctor?" A woman dressed in a white uniform said, afraid that she was interrupting the older man seated behind a large desk, piled with folders and papers.

"Doctor." She said, louder this time.

She managed to draw the man's attention as his head shot up towards her and away from behind the papers he was studying intensely.

"Oh, Lilly. I'm sorry. I was just reading up on a patient file."

"It's alright, Charlie. I just wanted to let you know that your one o'clock is here."

She could see the doctor's face scrunch up in thought. In all the year's she'd known him, she knew that he couldn't remember which patient was awaiting him.

"It's the Carter boy, Charlie." She said, as his face registered understanding. "I do wish you'd look at your appointment schedule once in a while. That is why I make one up for you every day." She said with a slight hint of annoyance.

The doctor stood from the tattered chair he sat in and gave the nurse an apologetic look. He walked over to the silver haired woman and smiled. She couldn't help but return the smile with an added blush, as if she was a schoolgirl and her crush had just acknowledged her.

"You infuriate me, you know that? In all the years I've been married to you, and even when you were still courting me, I could never resist that smile."

"I know." He said proud of himself, and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"You know, huh? Well, we'll see. One day that smile of yours isn't going to cut it with me." She said sternly, but was only met with another smile from the good doctor. She blushed once again.

"Stop that. You're one o'clock is waiting." With that, the doctor's smile vanished and a slight frown replaced it. "What's the matter?"

"It's this case. He's still not making any progress, and I don't even know if I'm helping him at all."

"He's still not opening up?" She asked concern showing in her eyes. The doctor shook his head no and sighed.

"I think I may just retire after this one."

"Oh...you've been saying that for years, but then you help someone like the Carter boy, and all is forgotten. I think you have a lifetime's worth of vacations to Paris and Hawaii promised to me."

"I'm sorry about that. I promi..." He started to say, but she cut him off.

"No need to apologize, and no more promises. That's why I fell in love with you, Charlie. The only thing you've ever wanted to do was to help people, and I'm sure you'll be able to help this one too. You always do. Just promise me that you'll keep trying."

"Thank you, Lil. You always know the right thing to say." He said, once again punctuating his statement with a smile.

She returned it and said, "C'mon, he's in the waiting room."

The doctor followed his wife out the door, down a corridor, and into a plush waiting room. It was decorated in cool shades of color, giving off an aura of calmness. It seemed that this was a common practice in most therapist's offices. It served to relax patients who usually walked in with their troubles, hoping to leave them behind.

In one of the chairs sat a longhaired man who the doctor knew as the one who usually accompanied Nick on his visits.

"Dr. Jensen." The longhaired man said, and stood up as he saw the doctor walk in. He walked towards Dr. Jensen, extending his hand. "Hi. I'm Howie."

"Nice to meet you, Howie." The doctor said taking his hand. He had never met, or actually spoke to Howie before, accepting the fact that he was just always there with Nick.

"Nice to meet you too. I was wondering if I could talk to you after your session with Nick."

"Sure...that shouldn't be a problem." The doctor answered apprehensively at his odd request.

"Excellent. Thank you. I'll go get Nick now." Howie said with a smile.

Nick sat in one of the black leather couches, staring at the floor when Howie approached him. He was feeling somewhat nervous, just as he always did when it came time for his visits. It was very different from the young, innocent and carefree attitude he usually took. His visits to doctor Jensen always served as a constant reminder that there was something wrong with him. He was startled from the trance he was in when he heard Howie call his name.

"...Nick...Nick." Howie repeated, until Nick acknowledged him. "The doctor's waiting."

Nick looked at him expectantly, silently pleading with Howie not to make him go. Every time he did this, Howie's heart would break. He felt the familiar pain in his stomach and the tugging at his heart once again, but he knew he had to keep his resolve. Howie didn't like having to bring Nick to see the doctor, but Nick refused to go with anyone else but him. So, he was forced to dance this dance with Nick.

It was the same every time it came time for them to come here. Howie and Nick would argue at Nick's apartment about why he had to go see a Psychiatrist. Nick would always try to convince him that he was fine and that he didn't need to see a shrink, but Howie would just argue back until Nick broke down and agreed to go. They'd find themselves in Howie's car next, riding in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

At first, Howie wondered if it was because Nick was mad at him, but he came to realize that even though Nick argued vehemently that he didn't need to see a doctor, something within him told him that there was something wrong, which is why he always ended up in the car with Howie.

When they'd get to Dr. Jensen's office, it too was always the same way. They'd sit there in silence until it came time for Nick to see the doctor. That was when Nick would silently plead with Howie not to make him go. On several occasions he even considered giving in to Nick and letting him go home, but he'd just think about how much Nick had changed in the past few months, and his determination would return. That was when Nick would follow the doctor to his office and Howie would walk over and sit with Lilly.

"How are you doing today, Howie?" Lilly asked in a soft tone.

"Not so good, Mrs. Jensen."

"Howie please...I told you to call me Lilly." She said with an equally soft smile, which Howie returned. "You look tired. Are you feeling alright?"

"I don't know anymore. I've just been really exhausted lately."

"Are you still having trouble sleeping?"

Howie nodded his head and closed his eyes as he slumped further into the chair he sat in. "I keep thinking about everything that's going on...about the guys, Nick, the tour..." Howie said, shaking his head. "...And to top it off, he had another nightmare last night. I had to stay up with him till he calmed down. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take."

"Oh, you poor thing." Lilly said sympathetically, giving in to her natural motherly instincts, as she moved over towards Howie and rubbed his back. She had grown fond of Howie ever since he had first brought Nick to see her husband. "Here, before I forget, have some cookies that I made. I made enough here for you to take home too."

"You didn't have to do that, but thanks. You make the best cookies." Howie said, smiling for the first time.

"It's no fuss Howard. It'll make you feel better." She said, as Howie took a bite out of the cookie she gave him.

"You're a good friend to Nick, and he's lucky to have you, but you've got to realize that you can't always be there for him. You have your limits too."

"I know, but I'm all he's got right now. Hell, I'm the only one he'll even talk to at this point. I HAVE to be there for him." Howie said with tired eyes.

Lilly always noticed a sadness come over him whenever he thought of his friend. Her heart went out to him whenever they talked. She shook her head, telling herself that no one this young should be filled with so much sadness.

"What about the others? Isn't there anyone else Nick could talk to while you rest some?"

Howie thought for a minute, and grew even sadder. "I don't think so. They've tried, but Nick won't talk to them unless he absolutely has to. You see, Nick grew up with us since he was thirteen, and in all that time there's only been two of us who Nick would truly let inside...and they've just been taken away from him."

"What do you mean?"

"Nick's only had two real best friends. I mean, the five of us are like brothers and we're close, but there's always that one who one of us would be really close to. For Nick, Brian's the only one he would open up to and share things with, and Ewan too. The three of them were real close. They shared something special between them. You'd be a really lucky person if in your whole entire life, you only had a taste of what those three had."

"What happened?"

Howie knew that he was already telling her too much, but he trusted her. She was the only one who asked him how he was doing in all this, and the only one he'd been able to confide in lately. Lilly treated him as if he was her very own grandson, and Howie felt as if she was his very own grandmother. If it wasn't for the fact that he was bringing Nick to see a psychiatrist, Howie would look forward to his visits to the Jensen's clinic.

"Well...Ewan was in a car accident a few months ago." Howie said, and needed to take a breath. "As for Brian, I don't really know what happened between him and Nick. They were like the best of friends, we even nicknamed them 'Frick and Frack,' but something happened. They just stopped talking to each other."

Lilly noticed Howie struggle to keep things together, for his sake, as well as for everyone else. She admired the quality of bravery and selflessness he possessed, but she knew that in such large quantities, it too would slowly break him down. She held out her arms and wrapped them around the young man in front of her and held him, telling him that everything would be alright.

"So Nick, how have you been since we last talked?"

"Fine." Nick said, as he uncomfortably shifted in his chair. He could never sit still in Dr. Jensen's office. He spent most of the time there trying to get comfortable as he waited for his hour to be up.

Dr. Jensen too found Nick's visits difficult. He'd always managed only one-word answers from the boy, and on occasion possibly a full sentence. Initially, he hoped that with time, Nick would open up, but now it looked less and less likely with each visit.

"Alright then. Well, last time we met, we talked a little about your family and your friends. Today I want to try something different."

Nick stiffened at the doctor's words. He sat up in the chair, once again finding it difficult to sit comfortably. He looked at Dr. Jensen's eyes worriedly, noticing the wrinkles around them as he smiled.

"There's no need to worry. I'm not going to bring out the electric shock equipment."

Nick's eyes grew wide and his hands gripped the arms on the chair he sat in. Doctor Jensen grew worried when Nick didn't laugh at his joke.

"I'm only kidding, Nick. I don't have any shock equipment." He assured Nick, and watched as a slight smile formed on his patient's face.

"I just want to ask you why do you think you're here, or better yet, why do you come here?"

Nick sat silently, thinking about his question. He needed to find a way out of answering it, but he couldn't.

"Did something happen to you which made you decide to come see me?"

Nick shifted in his seat once more, knowing that now there really wasn't any way out for him this time. He thought maybe he could just tell the doctor that he didn't want to talk about it, but then he thought what good would that do. After all, talking about what was bothering him was supposed to be why he came to see a psychiatrist, but up until now, he couldn't bring himself to do so. Just then, a thought crossed his mind. Maybe it was time for him to talk about what happened.

"I lost my best friend." Nick plainly said and watched the doctor for a reaction. When he didn't receive one, he took it as a sign that he was waiting for him to go on. "I fell in love for the first time, and then got my heart broken." Nick said, once again looking back at the doctor. All he saw was understanding in his tired eyes, so Nick continued.

"And I killed someone." Nick finally said, but couldn't find the courage to look back at the doctor this time.

"Can you tell me about that?" Dr. Jensen said, to Nick's surprise.

Nick looked up once more to meet his eyes and nodded. He closed them and thought back on the night of the accident.

"I don't remember much. I think that's cause I blacked out. The last thing I can remember was being really happy. I remember that feeling, cause I've never felt so happy in my entire life like I did at that moment. Everything was perfect. Then I can remember someone calling my name, I think, and that's when I blacked out. The next thing I remember was being in a lot of pain. My head hurt, and I was laying on the ground. I couldn't remember how I got there until later on, but when I opened my eyes..." Nick paused at the memory, his voice wavering. "When I opened my eyes, he was laying there in the middle of the street."

"Who was laying there?"

"My best friend...Ewan." Nick said as a lump formed in his throat. This was the first time, since that night that he was able to say that name without breaking down. Even now, he was having a difficult time stopping himself.

Nick closed his eyes as the memory of that night flooded over him.

"Ewan...Go see if he's alright...We need to call the police...No...We need to call an ambulance...NO...But...Go see if Nick's okay first...But Ewan..."

Nick could hear the voices slowly fill his head as he came to. His eyes opened to stars. He could see them shimmer in the dark, cloudless night. The air was still, as the moon shone bright above him.

Nick was brought back to reality when he heard the voices once again...

"You have to go...I can't...You have to. You can't be here...We have to call an ambulance. He needs help...I'll take care of him. Go to Nick..."

At the mention of his name, Nick tried to turn his head towards the voices. He managed to turn it to the side, to see where everyone was. As his vision came into focus, he was able to discern two people kneeling in the middle of the street.

He could see them talking heatedly, but the words were muffled at times. He recognized that the one facing him was Jim. He could see his mouth moving, and by the look on his face, pleading with the other person. Nick looked from Jim to the other one, and could see that it was Brian who he was talking to. His back was towards Nick, so he couldn't tell what he was saying. Brian's head hung low, and he was shaking his head no.

"No. I'm not leaving."

"Brian, You have to."

"NO!" He said more forceful.

"You have to! You can't do anything for him. Think of what will happen to you and Nick."

"I don't care."

"Brian..."

"He's hurt."

'Who's hurt?' Nick thought to himself. He tried to get up, but found that his body was riddled with pain, and the more he tried to move, he found that his head hurt even more. All he could manage was a grunt.

At this, Brian and Jim's focus turned from their argument, to Nick. Brian made a move to get up to go towards him, and that was when Nick realized who was hurt.

As soon as Brian was out of the way, Nick's eyes were able to focus in on Ewan's body. He immediately tried to get up. He had to get to his best friend. He needed to make sure he was okay, but the pain in his head was too great and everything went black.

"...Can you hear me?...Nick...Nick...You have to get up!" Nick could hear a voice call out to him. He trepidly began to open his eyes, afraid of what he'd see. The pain was still pounding behind his eyes as he opened them. He saw Brian hovering above him, with a frantic look on his face.

"Nick, are you alright?"

Nick closed his eyes and took a moment to think about Brian's question. Outside of the pain his body felt, everything seemed to be okay. He opened them and nodded his head. A slight smile appeared on Brian's lips, but it was quick and fleeting. His scowl turned serious once again, and his voice stern.

"Nick, I need your cell. Where is it?"

His brows furrowed in thought. He closed his eyes as he tried to will away the pain that came with thinking.

"My pocket." He said weakly, as he felt Brian start to rummage through his pockets.

He felt Brian's hand linger in one for a moment, and then it was gone.

Nick assumed that he found what he was looking for.

"Stay here. I'll be right back." Brian said in a hurry, before Nick could protest. The next thing he heard was Brian's feet running along the pavement...and the voices.

"How's Nick?"

"He seems okay. It took a sec to get him to come to, but it doesn't look like he's hurt."

"Good."

"Is he okay?"

"I don't know. He hasn't moved."

"Did you call for help?"

"Yeah. They're on their way." There was a pause. "You've gotta get out of here. They can't find you..."

"Take this. It's Nick's. My number should be programmed. It should be under Brian or Frick. Call me when you get to the hospital and we'll come."

"Okay. Now get out of here."

Nick could hear footsteps brush along the pavement next to him. They grew louder with each step as they brought Brian closer.

"Nick, can you get up?' Brian said, as he knelt over him.

"I think so."

"Good. You've got to get up now. I'll help you."

Nick could feel Brian's arms wrap around his back, as he attempted to stand. With some help, he was standing with his arm around Brian.

"Alright. Come on. We've gotta go." Brian said, as he started to pull Nick down the street.

"But what about..."

"Everything's gonna be okay, Nick. Now, come on." Brian said more forceful and urgent.

"But we have to help." Nick said as he started to pull away and turn back. He froze when he saw Ewan again. This time the gravity of the situation hit him, but he didn't have time to react. He didn't know how to.

"Nick. Come on. Everything will be fine." Brian said next to him, pulling him away. When Nick didn't respond, Brian moved in front of him and placed his hands on the side of Nick's face.

"Nick. Look at me...Look at ME! Everything's gonna be fine...Trust me." Brian said, trying his best to hide the fear in his voice.

Nick looked into his eyes and nodded. His fear rattled brain had no choice but to follow Brian's orders. The next thing he knew, they were rounding a corner onto a main street, as sirens blazed in the distance.

"Kevin...Kevin...Open the door!" Brian yelled as he pounded on the door. "Kevin, wake up and open the door." More pounding. "Kevin, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!!!" Brian cried out in frustration, and then kicked the hotel room door.

Nick winced at the sound. It was the first sign of expression he had since they had fled. Nick returned to the lost expression he suddenly adopted, as Brian continued his assault on the door.

"Hold on." Came a muffled voice from inside the room, and everything grew quiet. Brian leaned against the wall for support. He was looking forward to Kevin taking charge again. His body was quickly growing tired. He hated having to be the one to make decisions.

His eyes fell upon Nick, who was still staring into space. He noticed that there was no expression on his face and he refused to look at Brian.

"Everything's gonna be okay, Nick." Brian said. He kept repeating those words over and over, as if he was hoping that if he said it enough, it would come true. "Kevin will know what to do." He said, hoping Nick would react, but he remained unmoved, standing motionless in the hallway.

Suddenly, they could hear the door being opened. Brian moved from the wall to face Kevin.

"Brian? Do you know what time it is? What are you doing here? Why aren't you over at Ewan's?" Kevin asked irately, but received no response. Instead, Brian pushed past him, pulling Nick into the room.

"Brian. What the hell is going on?" Kevin asked as he watched his cousin sit Nick in a chair. He looked on between Brian and Nick with a confused look on his face. Brian kept repeating something over and over, and was fussing over Nick greatly.

"Just sit here. Everything will be okay. I promise." Brian said, his voice beginning to waiver now. "It'll be alright...everything will be fine."

"Brian."

"I'm just gonna talk to Kev, okay? You just stay right here...everything will be fine."

"Brian!!!" Kevin called out louder this time.

Brian stopped in the middle of his rambling and looked at his cousin. Kevin's expression gravely changed as his heart sank. There was nothing but fear in his cousin's eyes.

"What's wrong? What happened, Bri? What's wrong with Nick?"

All of the color drained from Brian's face, as he felt his body grow cold. His eyes were locked with Kevin's, as they exchanged stares. Brian's chest rose and fell at a quick pace as his breathing grew ragged. He was bout to speak, when suddenly he ran out of the room, towards the bathroom. Kevin ran after him and was right in time to see his cousin on the cold, tile floor, clutching onto the porcelain toilet bowl, as he vomited violently.

Kevin joined Brian on the floor and rubbed his back, trying to soothe him. After the vomiting ceased, Brian sat with his back against the wall. Kevin suddenly noticed Brian's tear streaked face. Brian brought his knees up to his chest and laid down his head. He felt two arms wrap around him...and he cried.

"Shhh...It's alright. Whatever it is, it's not that bad. We can fix it." Kevin said, trying to calm Brian down. "What happened, Bri?" Kevin asked, but Brian didn't know how to tell him.

Through choked up sobs, Brian tried to speak. "You...You...We...We need everyone...everyone together." Brian said as he sniffled. He brought his hand up to his face and wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt.

"You have to tell me what's wrong."

"I will...but everyone needs to know. Call...call Marc too." Brian said, still sniffling and trying to breathe in short breaths.

"Marc? Why? Brian...you're scaring me."

"Please, Kev." Brian pleaded. "Everyone...everyone needs...needs to know."

"Brian..."

"Kev, please." Brian begged.

"Okay." Kevin reluctantly agreed. "I'll do it. Are you gonna be okay for a sec?"

Brian nodded, as he began to cry again. Kevin kissed the top of his cousin's head as he left the bathroom. His mind was racing at a frantic pace as he crossed the room. He was looking for some clothes to wear, as he was still only in his boxer shorts. He picked up the keys to Howie and A.J.'s rooms as he dressed. He was about to rush out of the door when he saw Nick still sitting in the chair. He had forgotten he was there, after witnessing Brian's hysterical breakdown in the bathroom. Kevin easily forgot he was in the room because he sat so still, in the same position Brian had left him earlier. He sat in the chair, staring at the ground, almost lifeless.

"Nick? What happened?" Kevin asked, but received no answer. "Nick...Please tell me what's wrong." Kevin begged, but still received no answer. "Okay. Just stay here, okay? I'll be right back." Kevin said as he walked to the door. His heart was racing with nervousness as he left the room.

"It was an accident." Nick whispered into the empty room. "It was an accident."

"It was an accident. You realize that don't you?" Dr. Jensen asked Nick.

It was the same question Nick struggled with over and over again, since that night. No matter how hard he tried, or how he looked at it, he could never seem to convince himself to believe that what happened to Ewan was really an accident, but Nick nodded anyway. In the past few months, he found comfort in taking the easy way out, every time he was faced with a difficult question, like the one Dr. Jensen had just asked.

Nick nodded, hoping the act would appease the doctor. At the moment, he didn't really want to discuss how he felt, or what he thought. After all, he hadn't even been able to do so with his closest friends, so why start now with a complete stranger. Nick had done exactly what he'd been accustomed to in the past months, and put the thought aside, hoping to forget about it, or better yet, hoping it would go away.

"Alright. That's good that you understand that then." Dr. Jensen said unenthusiastically and without conviction. From years of experience, he knew what Nick was doing. It was typical of patients he'd seen, like Nick, in the past. Dr. Jensen knew that he was refusing to deal with the accident, finding comfort in denial and guilt, a dangerous place for anyone to dwell in.

"And you know that no one blames you for it happening either. Your friends know that you had no control over what happened that night." Dr. Jensen added, hoping to ease Nick's mind, but that too didn't work. Nick refused to believe that no one blamed him for the accident. No matter how many times Brian, Howie, or A.J said that, he didn't believe them. In fact, he blamed them for not holding him responsible. He hated them for trying to convince him that everything was alright, when they really weren't.

At least he had Kevin. Although he never admitted it after the one outburst he had that night in his hotel room, Nick could see it in his eyes that he blamed him for what happened to Ewan...what happened to all of them.

Nick stared at the cold white walls that surrounded him. He felt uncomfortable having to be confined within those walls. He sat back in the stiff chair of the waiting room and breathed in heavily. Even the air that filled his lungs was as sterile as the white walls that surrounded him. He hated the fluorescent lights that horridly illuminated the place in a bright "hospital" white. He hated having to be there.

Nick restlessly looked around, trying to find something comforting within the place, but there was nothing. He caught a brief glimpse of Brian who was sitting across from him. Nick had a hard time looking at him, afraid to see the look in his eyes, but he could tell Brian was lost in thought, as he restlessly fidgeted in his chair.

Nick closed his eyes as the voices filled his head once again. He could hear Kevin's voice in the distance.

"What happened?" Nick heard him ask Jim. He tried hard not to listen to their conversation, but he was strangely drawn to them like a pair of eyes passing by a scene of an accident...his accident.

Nick didn't want to know any more about what happened; in fact he wanted to forget about it all. He just wanted to go to sleep and wake up to realize that this was all just a bad dream, but that wasn't going to be.

As Nick listened in on Jim's account of what had happened, he couldn't help but replay what Brian had said earlier, when Kevin asked him the same question... 'What happened?' The words Brian spoke earlier in the hotel room, echoed in his head as it mixed with the voices around him.

"I'm not sure, Kev. One minute we were having fun...I remember laughing and joking around...I think Nick ran into the street. There was a loud noise, and I turned away...and when I looked back, Nick was on the other side of the street...and Ewan...Ewan was just laying there. He wasn't moving. I didn't know what to do."

Nick could remember Brian say, before he broke down and got sick again.

"Ewan tackled Nick." Jim said. Nick turned his attention back to Kevin, Marc, Howie, and Jim who were huddled together in a small corner, down the hall.

"They were laughing, so Brian and I started to walk back towards them." Jim said, as he lowered his head. "That's when Nick ran into the street." He said omitting a few details.

Brian too was silently listening to Jim retell what had happened. No matter how many times the scenes ran through his head, it still felt like he was there, but he hoped hearing someone else tell the story would trigger some memories that would fill in the gaps in his...and they did.

"Why did Nick run into the street?" Kevin asked.

Brian wondered the same thing when he heard his cousin's voice. He looked over at Nick who was looking down the hall. Brian closed his eyes and furrowed his brows in thought. When he opened them, he caught sight of Nick once again, and a nervous chill flooded his body.

"Why were you in the street, Nick? What the hell were you thinking?" Nick could hear Kevin ask him back in the hotel room. "What were you doing?

What the hell was going through your head?" Nick could hear the words repeat themselves over and over again, but he couldn't answer. They wouldn't understand.

"Why...Street...Nick...What...Thinking...Hell...Doing." The words taunted Nick. He wanted to scream...wanted them to stop, but they didn't.

He was suddenly brought out of his trance when he heard Jim speak.

"Ewan pushed Nick out of the way...It could've been Nick. Nick could be the one in there right now."

Those were the same words A.J. spoke when he stopped Kevin's assault on Nick, earlier in his room.

"Stop It...Just stop it!!!" A.J. had yelled, pulling Kevin away from Nick. "It could've been Nick. Don't you get it? He could've been the one hit by the car...He could've been the one laying in the street. It could've been Nick."

The words rang through Nick's head, taunting him even more.

"Nick...Could've been...Nick...Hit...Car...Laying in the street...Could've been...Ewan...Push...Out of the way...Nick...Could've been...Could've...Been..."

"It should've been me." Nick quietly whispered.

That was when they got the call. Brian's cell phone rang just as A.J. pulled Kevin away. They all rushed to the hospital when they found out where Ewan was, and that's how they ended up waiting in the sterile halls of the hospital, just outside of the operating room.

The waiting was the worst part. All they could do was wait impatiently, as a feeling of helplessness took over. There was also something unnerving about the silence. Usually, Nick's rambunctious nature could easily kill that silence, but right then he was overcome by it.

The only sound in the room came when the two metal doors at the end of the hallway opened to reveal a tall woman dressed in blue hospital scrubs. Jim ran towards her and all of them knew she must have been the doctor who was with Ewan.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion as they watched the two of them talk intently. Everyone watched as Jim stood there with his arms folded across his chest and as the doctor took off the cap that covered her long blonde hair, which came down to her shoulders. Jim had a forlorn look on his face as he looked at her. He looked like a lost child. His head fell and he slightly nodded. He looked back up at the doctor's stoic face and thanked her. Everyone watched as she gave him a consoling look and said, "I'm sorry." That was when they all knew. The only thing left was for them to hear the actual words.

Kevin felt his heart drop as he saw the look on Jim's face. He could barely look them in their eyes when he said...

"He's gone."

The tall woman watched the scene unfold before her. This was the one part about being a doctor she never got used to. Her heart broke every time she watched the shock set in on their faces...and then the tears. Not for a second did she feel like a stranger amongst them. Although she didn't know those who would always wait for her in that room...in those chairs, or understand the amount of grief that was in their hearts, she always felt oddly connected, since she tried to help their friend. Her heart went out to them, knowing that this was just the beginning of their pain.

Brian held Jim in his arms as he finally let the tears flow. They were sobbing onto each other's shoulders as the realization that Ewan was gone from their lives forever hit them.

Howie fell into a chair, his body no longer able to hold him up under the weight of his emotions. Marc knelt down next to him, and Howie laid his head on his shoulder as they comforted each other.

Kevin's first instinct was to turn to Nick. He pulled him into a hug, but Nick stood there unmoved. There were no tears; his body either devoid of emotion or unsure of exactly how he was supposed to feel. Kevin held him tight, not wanting to let go, while Nick stood still. He could feel the fear well up within him, as Nick remained motionless. He tried to will away the uncertainty that crept up on him. At least if Nick cried, Kevin thought to himself, he'd know what he was feeling and know what to do...but there was nothing.

Suddenly, Kevin felt his grip on Nick begin to slip, as Nick pushed away from him. Kevin looked at him, searching his eyes for a reason as to why he pulled away, but there was no expression on Nick's face. He remained still, staring blankly down the hall.

The doctor turned to walk away, not wanting to intrude on their grieving any longer. She was almost to the cold metal doors where she first appeared from, when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned to see who it was and was greeted by Nick's eyes.

"Doctor...I want to see him."

"What drove you to want to see him? At that exact moment, do you know what it was inside you that made you want to see him? Dr. Jensen asked.

Nick sat in the chair, finally having found a comfortable position. He sat there with the same look he had that night.

"I don't know. I just had to."

Kevin sat with his face buried in his hands. He could feel his breathing start to quicken. He shut his eyes tight. He knew what was happening and wondered why. 'Not now.' Kevin told himself. 'Please not now.'

His mind raced with thoughts as he prayed for them to stop. He knew that this was the onset of a panic attack. 'Stop...Stop...' He repeated to himself as he tried to clear his mind. He hadn't had an episode since he was a kid. He had learned to control them years ago, but it was happening all over again.

Hundreds of thoughts ran through his mind at once. Thoughts about Ewan crashed into worries about Nick. Memories played into scenes right before his eyes, as they flashed through his head. Questions of what was to come wove themselves around and around his mind, creating a sense of claustrophobia. What was worse, was that there was no one there to comfort him.

In his worst episode, Kevin blacked out. He could only pray that this one wouldn't lead to that.

"Kevin." He heard a voice call out in the distance, penetrating through his muddled brain. "Kevin...Can you hear me?" It said, and then he felt a hand touch him, pulling him out from the place he was trapped in. He shot straight up in his seat and inhaled deeply.

"You okay?" The voice asked. Kevin turned around in search for its owner, and found Howie next to him.

"Yeah...I'm fine." Kevin nervously answered through his parched throat. None of them knew about his panic attacks, save for Brian because they grew up together. He didn't want them to know, and asked Brian to keep that secret for him a long time ago.

"You sure?" Howie asked, wiping his eyes.

"Yeah. You okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine, but we can't find A.J." He said sniffling. "Someone's still gotta tell him. He doesn't know yet."

Kevin thought for a moment and remembered that A.J. had gone off to walk around, shortly after they all arrived at the hospital. He had said that he couldn't just stand around waiting. He was filled with too much nervous energy and needed to smoke. In all the commotion, they had all forgotten about him.

"He said he needed to walk around. I'll go look for him. I could use the air." Kevin said as he stood, reluctant to have to break the news to A.J.

Nick followed the doctor through another set of large doors when they came to a stop.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

Nick thought to himself and wondered the same thing, but something inside of him told him he had to. He nodded silently, letting the doctor know he was sure.

"Alright, then. Wait here. I think the nurse is still inside cleaning up. I'll as her to go so you can have some privacy."

"Thanks."

Nick watched as she walked through the door. There was a large window that looked into the room beyond the door, and saw a woman putting away the cold silver instruments that were probably used to try and save his best friend. Soon she'd clean and sterilize them, wiping away any memory of Ewan and the blood that once gave him life.

The doctor came into view as she approached the nurse. They exchanged a few words as Nick watched the nurse turn her head in his direction. Their eyes met briefly through the glass window, as she gave Nick a sympathetic look. She turned back to the doctor and nodded.

"Excuse me. Are you the one who came in with the accident victim?"

Marc, Howie, and Jim looked up to find a policeman standing in front of them. Jim noticed that he barely looked older than they did.

Jim stood as the officer's words rang through his head. 'Victim?' Jim thought to himself. His best friend was now reduced to a "victim." Ewan would cringe if anyone thought of him in that way. 'He's a hero.' Jim wanted to say, 'Not a victim,' but could only manage a feeble "yes," answering the officer's question.

"I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about the accident."

Jim gave him a puzzled look and was about to answer, when Marc stood and spoke up.

"Officer..." Marc started to say as he looked at his name badge. "Officer Daniels, does he have to do this right now?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm sorry. My name's Marc, Marc Williams. I'm here with the boys." Marc said in his best fatherly tone, hoping that the fact that he was older would sway the young officer. "He's been through a lot tonight...we all have." Marc said tiredly. "And they just found out that their friend died.

I'm sure you could understand."

"Of course. This could wait till the morning, I guess."

"Thank you. Lemme give you my card." Marc said as he pulled out his wallet. "We're all staying together until tomorrow, so you can reach me on my cell if there's an emergency." He said, handing the card to the officer who nodded as he accepted it. He started to leave, but turned back around.

"I'm sorry about your friend."

Nick stood nervously outside of the operating room, waiting for the doctor to return. She and the nurse disappeared from view a while ago, when they had moved further into the operating room. Nick wondered what was taking so long when the door swung open.

The nurse came out first. She gave him the same sad look, she had given him earlier, as she passed. The doctor soon followed.

"Are you sure you still want to do this? It might be easier just to wait until the funeral." She had said to Nick. Everything was happening so suddenly. The thought of a funeral hadn't even crossed his mind.

"Yeah. I think I need to."

"Alright. I just need to warn you though. It's going to be a shock. Your friend's not going to look the same. We unhooked some of the tubes, but he's still going to have one coming out of his mouth. I just wanted you to be prepared." She quietly explained to Nick. "I put a chair next to him so that you can sit."

"Thanks."

She led Nick into the operating room. A lamp in the corner dimly illuminated the room. Nick silently followed her further, and stopped when they reached the foot of a bed. The doctor stepped aside from in front of Nick, and for the first time, Nick's eyes met Ewan.

Nick stood frozen as he took in the sight before him. Ewan had a blanket pulled up to his chest with his arms laid on top. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was just in a deep sleep.

"I'll leave you now. Take all the time you need." The doctor said in a hushed voice, not wanting to disturb the silence of the room. She placed her hand on Nick's shoulder sympathetically, before she walked away.

Nick stood still, afraid to go near. He heard the door close behind him, and let out the breath he had been holding in. He grew more and more uncomfortable as he scanned the room, looking around nervously, not sure exactly why he felt the need to come in. His eyes fell back on Ewan as he lay peacefully. Nick blinked, still wondering if this was all real.

He moved closer, until he was standing on the side of the bed. He looked down at Ewan. Suddenly he felt all of the emotions that he thought were gone, hit him all at once. At first not one emotion reached the surface, but there was one that grew stronger by the second. Nick's jaw clenched and his brows furrowed as he felt a rage grow within him. His hands clenched into fists, as he grew more and more angry.

The word "why" escaped his clenched teeth and through his lips. He kept repeating it over and over with each forced breath, until it was the only sound that filled the room.

"Why did you have to do it? Why couldn't you just let things be?" Nick asked Ewan, and paused as if to wait for an answer. He could feel the tears begin to well in his eyes and his jaw quiver. "Why couldn't you just let things be? Why did you always have to be there? Why did you have to care so much? Why did you have to save me all the time?" Nick cried out desperately as he gripped the white sheet that lay on top of his best friend. He collapsed into the chair that was next to the bed.

"Why did you have to die?" Nick choked out, as he lowered his head and began to cry. He sobbed openly now, letting out all of the tears he fought so hard to hold back. Nick took in short, sharp breaths as his body told him he needed to breathe; something Ewan would never do again. When he was able to compose himself, Nick let go of the sheet and brought his hand up to wipe his nose as he sniffled.

He brought his hand back down towards Ewan's, afraid to disturb it. He took it in his own and gripped it, just as he had done so many times before, but this time it wasn't returned.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." Nick said over and over in a soft whisper, as he shook his head and held his friend's hand one last time. He stood up, still not letting go of Ewan's hand and looked at his face.

Nick noticed that his usually gelled up hair now lay limp on his forehead. Nick brushed it aside and took a closer look at his friend. He could see a few cuts still fresh on his face. Nick could feel his heart clench in his chest as he saw that. He leaned in towards Ewan's head, kissed his forehead and said, "Thank You." Exhausted, Nick collapsed onto the bed and laid his head down next to Ewan's. His body shook as he cried.

Brian brought his hand up to his mouth and bit down on one of his knuckles. He cried as he watched his best friend in so much pain. He had snuck into the room, and gone unnoticed when he heard Nick yell. He wanted to rush to his friend's side at that moment, but something held him back. Brian knew Nick needed to say goodbye, and so he let him, but he couldn't take it anymore when he saw Nick breakdown.

Nick felt an arm pull him away. He didn't even turn to see who it was as he fell into them. He clutched onto him so hard, not wanting to let go, and cried.

"Please God, let Ewan be okay." A.J. said as Kevin found him praying in the hospital's chapel. He had searched the halls and outside for A.J., but couldn't find him. He was on his way back to tell the others, when he saw the sign for the chapel. At first he had wanted to stop in and say a quick prayer, but stopped when he saw a sole figure kneeling in one of the pews.

Kevin realized that it was A.J. and started to walk towards him, but stopped when he heard him speak.

"I'm not really a praying kind of guy. That's Brian's department, but if You're really out there, You have to help Ewan out. He can't die. He's a good person. You can't take him now. He's young. The world needs him. I need him." Kevin heard A.J. say out loud.

He could feel those familiar emotions start again when he heard A.J.'s pleas. He had to admit that it was a strange sight to see A.J. praying, let alone in a church, but he knew A.J. would do anything right now if he thought it would help Ewan. Hearing him say those words made his heart even heavier. He thought about turning away, not wanting to be the one to tell A.J., but he pushed those thoughts out of his head. He needed to do this. He needed to be strong. He had to be Kevin... "The Strong One," even though he had no desire to be strong right now, but he did it anyway...he needed to be there for A.J.

"Please God...please don't let him die." A.J. said, as he heard someone sit next to him. His heart began to race as he sat back down.

"Alex." Kevin solemnly said, as it was all that needed to be said. A.J. broke into tears.

He knew.

Kevin felt A.J. lean into him and he placed his arm around his shoulders. He let A.J. cry freely, as did he, finally finding comfort for the first time that night.

Well...what'd ya think??? I'd love to know!!! Drop me a line!!!

I know it was kinda sad...alright it was down right get out the Kleenex chapter, but it's gotta be done.

I know this chapter may have been a bit confusing, so if you have any questions...just ask and I'll try and clear things up.

I wanna hear from all of ya reading this. I wanna know what you really think, and I'm kinda curious as to where you think the story is going, or where you'd like it to go.

Quick Story Recommendation:

One of my favorite stories now has a Part 2. Go check out "Forever" and "Equilibrium" by DJ. "Forever" was one of the first stories I got into before I started writing and it's awesome. DJ's also really cool cause he also helped me develop BILY in the early stages...so he definitely had a hand in what it's become today!!!