Hey, this was my final project for a class on Women's Sexualities (yes, it's awesome how I can write an erotic story for marks). This is a fictional story with no connections to real life. This is a short story so it's not as detailed as I typically like. Comments are greatly appreciated as I'm experimenting with ways of conveying stories.
Disclaimer: This is a story that focuses on a trans woman of colour, contains sex, harsh language, and brief mention of rape. Readers have been warned and it is their own responsibility if they do so read this story. Also, this is just one story and these experiences do not apply to all other people within the trans communities.
I felt nervous walking into the room. My councillor had referred me to this youth group, said it could really help. She said it would be a space where I could talk about my issues and be around other youth like me. What she meant by that is trans youth. Although if I was honest, I don't feel I really fit as "youth" anymore. I'm twenty years old so I feel a bit out of place. As I enter the room at the community center where the youth group is housed, I was surprised to see people that looked my age and not just young teens. I took a moment to feel the atmosphere of the room. There were eight people in the room laughing and talking; I couldn't tell which one was the facilitator. Two people looked like boys, five looked like girls, and one I couldn't quite tell. But one of the girls drew my attention. She wasn't a supermodel nor did she have any visible differences to her body. She exuded an aura confidence and cheerfulness. I smiled shyly and waved at the group and ended up sitting beside the girl I noticed. Everyone was sitting around four fold up tables that had been put together. Not everyone was staring at me after the initial glance, and it made me feel a bit more comfortable. "Hey, you new here?" the girl I had noticed had been watching me and our eyes met for a moment as she introduced herself. Her eyes were a warm brown. I pushed a lock of my hair behind an ear and looked away from her. "Yeah, I'm kinda nervous, not sure what I'm supposed to do." "We typically just hang out here and chat. Feel free to have some snacks, and if you need any kind of help, talk to the girl with the hot pink hair. Oh, and by the way, the name is Xena, like the Warrior Princess," she said. "You can call me Mei I guess," I said dumbly. I felt like an ugly duckling in comparison to Xena. Xena looked at me for a moment as if to study me. A bright smile slowly spread across her face and she said, "The name fits you. It's pretty." I didn't know how to respond to the compliment. Fortunately, the awkward silence was quickly broken by another voice chiming in. "Hey, overheard that you're new. I'm Blake, been going here for a while. Are you Chinese too?" I turned to see a short hipster boy wearing thick black rimmed glasses. He looked pretty young, but seemed to carry himself in a way that was far beyond the age of what he seemed. Even though he sounded really bright and cheerful, he made me feel calmer. It was nice to see another Chinese person. "Yeah, actually I am, my full name Zhang La Mei, but I go by Mei," I responded. "Cool, I don't have a proper Chinese name, mom didn't give one to me. She told me it was to make it easier for the lao wai to accept us. Although I took her family name back so I'm Blake Liang." "Sorry, I don't speak Mandarin," I said feeling guilty for not knowing my other language. "Oh... Sorry, lao wai means foreigner, but we usually mean white people when we use the word," he responded. "So, Mei, are you in school?" Xena said dragging my attention away from Blake. "Just working and trying to save up some money for school. I want to go to Art School," I replied. "What kind of art? I'm actually at Art School right now doing videography," she asked. I ended up telling her and Blake in turn, about my interest in Buddhist and Daoist art which somehow led to a conversation on media theory. As Xena explained the concept of the Gaze I couldn't help but be distracted by her body. The way she gestured with her hands and her sheer enthusiasm made me want to keep on listening. Blake inserted his own comments into the conversation. He said he was doing post-colonial trans feminism. I didn't have the formal background of what they were talking about, but I understood what they meant. A lot of it was just what I had always gone through life. The facilitator when I finally got around to meeting her, was a bubbly girl named Kate. She went to a college and was working to become a social service worker so she had a lot of connections in the community. It seemed like she was someone that could be trusted and was knowledgeable, she might be someone I could go to later. The group lasted a few hours, but it felt like only minutes. During that time, I got to know Blake and Xena a bit better. Blake was born intersex and was raised as a boy fortunately for him, but had to deal with the implications of his body. Xena was like me, a trans girl and said she was happy with how her body was now. I envied her confidence. It felt like a product almost, something I wanted to buy. I was starving for what she had. I promised to come back the next week as the group dispersed. Even though I didn't get to meet everyone, the vibe the group gave off was really welcoming. During the weeks that followed, both the youth group and Xena were on my mind a lot as I went through my routines. Blake was quickly turning into "the gay best friend", but Xena made me feel like how some guys made me feel... I had a feeling I was really attracted to her. I had never been attracted to a girl before, but something about Xena... She carried extra weight on her frame, but it padded her and made her look strong. She had wavy blonde hair, and was a jeans and t-shirt girl. As I found, I could be mesmerized by her eyes. I noticed how the sides crinkles when she smiled, and making her do that made me feel warm inside. I found out that we both liked watching Buffy and listening to Lady Gaga. I liked the way she kept her fingernails really short exposing her pinkish finger tips. I didn't understand why I was attracted to Xena, but I was able to admit to myself that I was. I had a date the day before I'd go back to the youth group. It was with a guy I had met on the Internet a couple weeks after my first visit to the youth group. He seemed pretty nice in our conversations. We eventually got to meet at a café. He looked a few years older than I was, but I didn't mind. He was white, had brown eyes and hair, and he looked "straight". I was attracted to him, but it wasn't like how I felt around Xena. I found out his real name was Jake as we made small talk. We talked for an hour or so amicably before he suggested we leave. "Wanna come home with me to get to know each other better? I live a few blocks from here," Jake suggested casually. I felt uncomfortable. He seemed nice, but something felt off about him. I couldn't quite place it, but I felt like I shouldn't go home with him. "Sorry, I have to get home, I have an early day tomorrow," I lied to avoid trying to offend him. Unfortunately, that wasn't the right answer. "What do you mean you don't want to come home with me? I thought all of you trannies were hot for some cock," he said. His attitude had shifted; I guess my intuition was right. "Sorry, I'm just not comfortable with sex on first dates," I responded as calmly as I could. "You know what? You're a freak. I just heard that trannies were easy, I'm leaving." Without waiting for another answer, Jake stood up, picked up his stuff, and left. At least he paid for both of our drinks. I sat there at the table. I was numb. Jake was right. How could someone want me? I look sort of girly. I mean, I've finally grown my hair to my mid-back as I always wanted, I wear some makeup, wear clothes that are designated for girls, and have been tucking and wearing breast forms. I'm lucky I don't need to shave very much and was always picked on for looking like a girl. Is it because I haven't started on Estrogen yet? Am I not wearing enough makeup? Is my voice too manly? The rest of the day I was going through a daze. It was like before I went to the youth group all over again. I kept on telling myself how much of a freak I was. How wrong my body felt. Why couldn't I have been born a girl? Why couldn't I have been born into a world where I could be accepted as me? Why do I even exist in this world? I wouldn't be able to make much money in what I wanted to do in my life. Maybe my father was right, that I was a failure. A failed son. Maybe that's why I'm so fucked up. I failed as a son so I subconsciously wanted to be a girl. I missed and envied my little sister. If only he'd let me see her again. I wanted to just rip off that thing between my legs and reveal my vagina. The vagina I knew I was supposed to have. I wanted to feel pretty, wanted to feel sexy. I wanted to be looked at be able to turn people on as I am. I wanted to be wanted, touched and held. Loved. Is that too much to ask for? It hurt so bad, I just wanted to scream. When I arrived at the youth group the next day, Blake spotted me and motioned Xena to get up with him to greet me. "You look like shit, you okay?" Blake said softly. I could meet his eyes, and all I could see was concern. I turned to Xena and could see the exact same look in her eyes. I think I could trust both of them. "I'm hurting so bad right now. Can I have a hug?" I asked weakly. Without waiting for an answer, Xena pulled me up against her chest and held me close. Blake in turn wrapped his arms from behind and held me. I was enveloped in warmth and for a moment, the hurting was gone. It felt safe in their arms. Xena craned her neck to face the pink haired woman and said, "Kate, could you let us use a private room?" The usually cheerful woman wordlessly slid out of her chair, got her keys out, and with professional efficiency, unlocked the door to an adjourning room. I didn't care that the other group members were staring at me in concern. At least they weren't going to be mean to me. I was released and gently guided to the room with one hand being held by Xena, the other by Blake. The room was sparse, but it had a desk and chairs around it. "Kleenex?" Xena asked softly offering me the box. I shook my head. I couldn't cry anyway; crying wasn't a thing boys did and I was hit by my father until I stopped crying. Instead, I launched into what I was feeling. My self-loathing and the reason why I was referred to the group. I even told them about the date. All the while, they listened carefully. Somewhere along the way, I ended up once again in Xena's arms. I felt guilty, but I couldn't help but notice how soft and squishy she was. It was one of the most comforting feelings in the world. "Mei, he not only acted like a jerk to you, but he's not looking for a trans woman. He's looking for a porn star! Very few women have those kinds of bodies. He was most likely expecting big breasts, model looks, and a big dick. Not to mention how the genetic luck or the work and money it takes to have such a body. Even then, is it worth it to conform to social norms without regarding your own needs first? How are you sure that you're going to have a magical, wonderful life with the perfect body?" Xera gazed down at me kindly from my position snuggled against her breasts. "I don't know, but does that mean I have to accept that I'm a boy?" I asked. I was dreading a forever of this strange body. "No, you need to learn what you need for yourself. Like for example, I learned that at the end of the day, all I wanted was a vagina. I didn't care so much about the rest of me, I felt like me once I had my vagina," she answered. Blake looked uncomfortable and spoke slowly and carefully to me. "Most of us have gone through what you're feeling. When I was a bit younger, I gave in to the first person that showed attention to me." He took a breath and continued, "I trust you with my story. He ended up raping me and it took me a year of therapy for me to function without feeling dirty every moment of my life. Be glad you didn't go home with Jake, he sounds like someone who doesn't respect other people." "I just wish I was pretty, I wish I could be a real girl and not feel like an imposter," I said. Xena ran her fingers through my hair and she added her own story. "I know, I've been in that exact place, but not for the same reasons. My issues started from the media... They constantly pressure everyone, cisgendered people too, to conform to certain beauty norms. They encourage us to buy products that supposedly make us sexy, but really, it's utter shit. I survived anorexia when I was younger. I'll never been thin, and I had to accept that. Mind you, it took a long time to accept and love my body the way it is. It's why I like shooting videos, I want to show off people who look different from the standard beauty norms." Blake chimed in again and said, "Also, in my area of study, we talk a lot about how women are constantly being treated as inferior. We talk about femme shaming too. Basically, the way our gender system works, to move away from hyper male and hyper female as polar opposites that complement one another, you are likely to get treated badly. This is why gay, lesbian, and other queer sexualities are bashed. In turn, we as trans people get bashed because we blur the lines of male and female." By this point, his posture changed and he was getting really enthusiastic about what he was talking about. "Even if we transition from one side to the other, we're still deviant. Now, on top of this, the gender system also depends on males being superior to females so all things that are feminine are inferiorized. And just because you become feminine, female, and trans, it makes you even more of a target of hate." It was a lot to take in, but their words made a lot of sense. I remember only seeing really gorgeous women in ads. And when I went looking for porn, I only saw trans women that were just as gorgeous as the women in the ads and most of them had huge dicks. I remembered that I never saw a woman identify that she was trans and that she had a vagina, or even looked anything less than incredibly feminine. Yet I found Xena really hot the way she was, and I also saw how the other trans girls in the group didn't look like the models. I figured I still had a long way to go before I would be able to love myself unconsciously. At least I wasn't alone. "Thank you both. I feel a bit better," I said smiling weakly at both Xena and Blake. I squeezed Xena once, and pulled Blake over into the hug. "Alright, you're both squishing me! I'm smaller than both of you!" Blake exclaimed loudly. For once, I burst out laughing and let Blake free. I got up as well and helped Xena up. We rejoined the others, and we just went back to playing, joking, and in Xena's case, wishing Buffy would go lesbian for her. After the group, I decided to act on the feelings I had been having. As we were all getting our stuff to leave, I pulled Xena aside and stuttered slightly nervously, "Thanks once again for helping me feel better. But I have a confession to make; I really started liking you these past few weeks." Xena looked at me quietly for a couple moments. I thought I could hear time ticking in the silence and it felt so awkward. What would she say? "The moment I saw you, I saw a beautiful soul. Mei, you're beautiful. I'd be honoured to be with you," she said softly. At this point, we were alone in the room. I nervously licked my lips and said, "Could you make show me what being loved feels like?" "If that's what you want, I'd love to." She leaned in forward and I felt like my heart was going to explode from the whirling mass of emotions. Our lips met in a kiss. It was my first. Her lips were warm and soft, and it was so brief. But I was reeling from that small amount of contact. "Could I go home with you?" I asked shyly. My heart was pounding like crazy and I felt flushed. That small kiss wasn't enough, and she had awakened something in me. Xena's eyes looked different. Almost feral, and it sent tingles down my spine into my groin. "I live a few streets away. Too far away in my opinion." She lived in a small apartment on her own. Within moments of getting into the room, I attacked her and pressed her against the door seeking out her lips. She let me in, and this time, I hungrily deepened the kiss. She met my tongue with her own as we fought and duelled our writhing appendages. I couldn't help but growl in the back of my throat as she kissed back with an equal amount of hunger. Suddenly, she pulled away and said, "Bed." We moved over to her bed and she practically pushed me to the bed. Her lips curled in a wicked grin and I felt warmth pool between my legs. "Strip," she said as she started pulling off her shirt. I obeyed and started doing likewise. Shirts and bras went flying. We stared at each other's bodies as we stripped, mapping what we saw with our eyes. Xena was wearing jeans so it took a bit longer to take off. I had a skirt on and had it and my underwear off sooner than she was done. I felt self conscious with how boyish my body still was, but I trusted that Xena wouldn't find me gross. I helped her pull down her jeans, and her underwear off and I was amazed by what I saw. I've read lesbian erotica on some occasions out of curiosity, and read about flower imagery, but never believed it until then. I knew in that instant that I would work towards getting a vagina even if it took most of my adult life. From my position now on my knees, her vagina was right in front of me. It looked absolutely perfect. She must've had a great surgeon. I touched it reverently running my fingers along the outer lips and nudged a fingertip into her depths. I looked up at her for some kind of reaction. She was smiling brightly down at me and my stomach did a back flip once more. "Not right now, this is all about you. Maybe in a bit, but I want to make you feel good," she said softly. Her voice had dropped lower and gained a darker, husky quality that fuelled my inner fire. She pushed me forward onto the bed and kissed me once more. Her hands ran along my sides. Her touch sent jolts of electricity up my spine. Her hands wrapped around that thing between my legs that I guess I'd have to call a dick. I flinched momentarily. I didn't enjoy touching it, but had to in order to get off when I became too horny. She broke the kiss and trailed kisses down my body. When she reached my nipples, she kissed each of them and intoned reverently, "Your nipples are beautiful. They're nipples of a girl and pretty as they are." She trailed the kisses down my stomach and came face to face with the thing between my legs. She kissed the tip and continuing the ritual she had started said, "Your girl dick is beautiful. This is a girl's dick and I love it. I will love it as it is a part of you and Mei, you are beautiful." She nudged my thighs apart and kissed along my inner thigh. I couldn't help but moan as her kisses became more sensual and she started nibbling at the skin around there. It felt really good! It was odd feeling good in this body. I had always felt so distanced from what I sometimes considered this bag of flesh. She led her nips along my thighs until they reached my girl dick. She took the head into her mouth and I thought I'd cum right then and there. I gasped loudly and squirmed as my inner flame consumed me with want for more of this feeling. She sucked the head and took it deeper into her hot, warm, mouth. I was surprised that it felt good and made me want to be consumed by her mouth. I guess it was too much for my system. It only took a short amount of time of her taking my girl dick into her mouth, to have my legs quivering with the need to cum. The warmth was building up inside of me. Xena's mouth was working its magic as it vacuumed rhythmically on the tip of my girl dick. My eyes met with hers and seeing how she looked at me hungrily between my legs set me off. I felt my toes curl as the warmth pulsed through my whole body. It raced from my genitals and radiated to the tips of my fingers, my forehead, and toes. My eyes clenched closed and let out a single guttural gasp as I came. I suddenly surfaced, I think I had blacked out for a moment. Xena pulled off my girl dick and kissed me. I could taste my own essence in her kiss and I didn't mind it. It was almost cathartic, like I was relearning my body and the pleasure it could gave me. I wanted to caress her body. I wanted to worship it. For what she had done for me, I wanted to give her back just as much for this gift. "Thank you," I said simply. "You're welcome," Xena said smiling warmly. Her eyes seemed to express warmth that made me feel happy. "Mei, you are beautiful, always remember that." This was my first step. I knew I had a long way to go, but I'd eventually learn how to love myself. An image flickered across my mind. Guan Yin is a Goddess venerated widely across many religions and cultures in Asia. She embodied both male and female bodies at points. Maybe I could use her in my own art.