Chapter Three Largo -- Towards an End
There's something to ne said for slow and easy. Many stories, many movies emphasize the wild passionate releases of cosmic orgasms--shooting stars, elemental explosions, wild surf. As Hal and I approach the fifth anniversary of our commitment I can't help but luxuriate in thinking about our love making, for we do make love. The first few months, after our first congress, we had sex, pure and simple. That's de rigueur. There's something to be said about that too!
But, for me slow and easy is quite wonderful. Gently kissing, fondling each other `til passion heats up--a passion born of love and understanding--a passion for each other, a passion to satisfy each other is so gratifying. As we lie next to each other, we revel in the feel of our bare flesh touching and being touched by each other. The warm spark of love and passion slowly, inexorably grows to an all pervasive glow that suffuses our whole being, separately and together. Like the glow of burning charcoal, our passion is quiet yet incredibly hot and all consuming.
Of this kind of coupling, our orgasms are eminently satisfying. Not screaming, cosmic explosions, but elemental blooming. I had thought of orgasms as suddenly falling over the edge or high eroticization into the abyss of total release. This can be true. But slow and easy is more like being lifted on a tidal wave of passion, and erotic tsunami in which you are ultimately deposited on the beach of sated release.
Slow and easy brings a quiet yearning to fill and be filled. I love it when Hal sucks my cock. I love to watch his lips move up and down my shaft. I love the sensuous luxury of his warm mouth and throat. I could literally lay there for hours and luxuriate in that feeling. Cumming is never an issue during those quiet times of coupling. Once or twice while engaged in mutual sucking, soixante-neuf, we have slipped into a light delicious slumber. Again, once while I was sliding my cock in and out of his magnificent hole, his legs wrapped `bout my waist, our tongues dueling and telling each other how we felt . . . I fell asleep thus imbedded. When I awoke I finished my erotic task, slow and easy.
Sometimes, it's like experiencing a continuous, prolonged rush.
Both of our birthdays and the anniversary of our commitment fell within a month. This year it was to be our five year anniversary, Hal's thirty-third birthday and my thirty first.
One morning sitting at the table having our breakfast, Hal looked up, "Ya know, next month will be anniversary month, our fifth year, your thirty-first birthday and my thirty-third. That's significant!"
"Significant? How is that significant?"
"They add up to sixty-nine! That must mean something!"
I laughed. "Well that calls for some kind of special celebration!"
Smiling he took his dishes to the dishwasher, came back to me, bent over, gave me a kiss and reached down to fondle my cock. That had become S.O.P. (standard operating procedure) with Hal every morning.
When I got to work, I called a friend, a travel agent and asked him to find a reasonable package, maybe the Caribbean for our `special celebration.'" I wanted to surprise Hal. Within an hour I was called back with information.
"Hey Bob, found this unbelievable deal in Jamaica. It's off season now and you can get your money's worth. It's a small resort called the Boulders at the eastern edge of Port Maria."
"Where in hell is Port Maria," I asked.
"Northern coast, just across the island from Kingston. You even get free helicopter service from Kingston to Port Maria."
"Who do you have to fuck for that?"
Laughing, he explained, "The resort owner also has a helicopter he transports goods from Kingston to Port Maria. A clear deal."
"Sure if you don't mind riding with chickens!"
"I'll messenger you over some brochures and if you like it, just call me and I'll make all the arrangements."
"OK, thanks, Rick."
Three weeks later Hal and I climbed aboard the "Port Maria/Boulders Helicopter Service," along with a number of boxes and packages stowed in the back behind webbing and flew to Port Maria. "The Boulders" was not a five star accommodation, but exactly what we wanted. It made up of fifteen chalets' each with a large room with commodious bed, seating area, deck and large bathroom. The tub and shower, which was glass enclosed, opened to the sky above. The double storey main building held the lobby/reception, dining room, patio bar' and guest rooms. The ambience of the whole was laid back and rather familial. You could tell that this was off season as "The Boulders" was sparsely populated--maybe five other guest parties.
We signed in, a perfunctory duty and was shown to our chalet by a bare foot, Jamaican bell boy' dressed only in cutoffs and a floral shirt. The chalets were connected to each other by a raised, covered board walk which ultimately was connected to the main building. The bell boy' unlocked the door to our chalet, stepped aside and allowed us entry.
"Nice . . . and look at that view," I said.
After the obligatory tour of the room's services, we tipped the smiling `bell boy' and he left.
"Damn! Did you check that guy out?" Hal exclaimed.
"Couldn't help it!" I admitted, and added, "Was that a pepperoni in his shorts?"
Slyly Hal admonished me, "Remember . . . no touches!"
"Aw! How about just a little squeeze?"
We laughed.
I walked into the bathroom, "Look at this . . . open air shower."
"Mmmm, Just think I can climb up on the roof, peek over and watch you shower," Hal said with a grin.
"Or better yet, you can just walk in and join me!" came my reply.
The next day, after a great breakfast in the dining room Hal and I swam for the rest of the morning. In the afternoon, we explored. Walking eastward, we followed the beach which terminated in a tangle of huge boulders mixed with small trees and bushes. It reminded me of Langkawi. We picked our way over the boulders and bushes.
Hal was leading the way. Suddenly he stopped, turned and brought his finger to his lips and pointed through a mass of leaves. There, about ten feet below us was a small, sandy, secluded space no bigger than a very small room. In the middle were three figures, three guys, three nude guys. One appeared to be the bell man', the other two were light skinned guys, Americans or Europeans. The pepperoni bell man' was standing there in all his glistening, naked glory as the other two, equally undressed were fondling and otherwise admiring the pepperoni. The `bell man' sported, maybe not a pepperoni in length, but an enormous, dark, thick cock. As his cock was being caressed he had grasped two hand fulls of hard cockmeat and was expertly working them over.
One of the guys dropped to his knees, pushed back the loose foreskin and attempted to take that thing in his mouth. He had to open his mouth wide in order to accommodate its girth and was able to swallow not quite half its length before he gagged and pulled off. His companion then dropped down and tried to do what his friend was unable to accomplish. He to rocketed of that enormous tool. Bracketing that dark, chocolate cock they licked and sucked from the bush and balls to the head on either side--a long traverse. The `bell man' stood there, looked down, arms akimbo and observed the two as their lips and tongues moved over his cock.
The length and girth of the bell man's' was such that in its state of erection he arched downward, a prisoner of gravity. Nonetheless, it was a plaything to be reckoned with. One of the guys, moved behind the bell man', grabbed his firm, muscular ass cheeks, spread them apart and moved in. Obviously, he loved his ass being tongued, cause the bell man' bent his knees slightly, thrust his bubble butt backward, rolled his head backed and groaned, audibly as he was rimmed. The `sucker' reached for his pants, drew out a tube, I assume K-Y, and started to finger his ass. First one, then two and finally three fingers were inserted and manipulated.
All this had its effect on Hal and me. I felt his hand reach for my crotch. Quickly, I pulled down my Bermudas, allowing Hal free access to my hard cock. At the same time, I reached around and untied the string holding up Hal's shorts, pushed the waist band down over his ass and slid my hand down that warm crack. I fingered that tight bud as Hal fondled my rigid cock and straining balls. Thus employed, we observed the sensuously, erotic tableau below.
The `sucker' then applied a copious amount of K-Y to that massive, dark, fuck tool, stood up, turned around and backed up. We could tell that entry was not a simple task.
"Oh! Gawd!" he gasped out loud! Obviously his tight sphincter had been breached. Both he and the bell man' froze in position. It was obvious that the bell man' had fucked a number of guys and he knew that his size required some time for the invaded hole to relax. While frozen in that position, the rimmer' took the K-Y from his friend's hand and prepared the bell man's' hole. Apparently he wasn't averse to being fucked as he stood there as he was fingered. The `sucker' then pushed back a bit, rested and pushed back again. Finally, he pushed all the way back, burying that enormous cock in his ass. He must have been an accomplished fucker with a long rectal canal in order to accommodate that thick weapon.
Watching that lascivious display turned me on. I am not, by nature, prone to be a voyeur, but this spectacle was beyond belief and luxurious as hell. My Bermudas were, quite naturally, tented.
Hal turned to me and whispered hoarsly, "He took that whole huge thing in his ass! that whole fuckin thing."
Whispering in his ear, "Do you want my `thing' in your ass?"
"Yeah! Fuck me now Bob!" and he rubbed his ass against my bulge. He reached down, untied the string holding up his Bermudas and shoved the back waist band over the hump of his ass. I lowered mine to mid thigh, slathered my raging cock with a generous dollop of saliva and depositing another equal ammount on my finger, I rubbed it against his sphincter and shoved my finger in. Both of us were so erotisized by the tableau that were were totally ready in every degree. I slid my cock in and began to fuck Hall right there midst the undergrowth and boulders.
Slowly the bell man' began to withdraw, then reinsert his cock. That was a signal to the rimmer' as he crabbed up to the spread bubble butt and inserted his cock and groaned. The `bell man' groaned too. We watched a reverse Oreo as I began to piston Hal's luscious hole. From time to time I would halt to watch with rapt attention, watch a particularly lascivious action, then return to my duty as I sped up.
Soon the fucking rimmer' gasped and plunged deeply into that chocolate ass, gasped again then held still. After a minute, he pulled out, flopped onto the sand and observed his companion's ass being attacked by the enormous weapon. At last, the fucked sucker' emitted a loud moan and we could see him anointing the sand with his cum, the cum of a spontaneous ejaculation. He fell forward on that baptized sand, landing on his hands and knees, gasping for breath.
Uncharacteristically, I slam fucked Hal's ass as he whispered, "Yes, yesss . . . ." The whole situation was other worldly.
Our bell man' grasped his pole and began to slide his hand up and down its length, faster and faster. He sure must have had staying power. At last, he arched his back, gasped as the sucker' positioned his open mouth in front of that dark cock head and accepted copious amounts of jet after jet.
That made me cum. I had all I could do to stifle my natural groan. Hal did too as I felt his sphincter spasm, announcing his spontaneous ejaculation. Quickly, I pulled out of Hal's well fucked ass, retied my Bermudas as Hal did his and we quickly and silently retreated.
It wasn't until we reached the beach that we said anything.
"Gawd! That was one huge cock!"
"Wonder how that guy managed all of it?"
"Practice, just takes practice, I snickered. "I ought to know!"
"What do you mean?" Hal knew what I meant! "I'm not THAT big!"
"Certainly not as long, but just as thick!"
"Like hell I am!"
"Pretty close!" I admitted.
Hal body-slammed me into the surf and ran back to the chalet laughing.
Walking out of the water I noticed three figures exiting the strewn boulders, ambling towards the resort. When I entered our chalet, Hal had stripped and was walking into the bathroom. I too stripped and followed him into the shower. He turned on the water and aimed the shower to his well fucked hole.
"Now I know how you felt that first time I fucked you!"
"Why?"
"You've never fucked me so hard before! You were a fucking animal in the boulders."
"Sorry," I said as I gently kissed him on the lips.
That night we had a leisurely supper. The menu was limited, probably because of the season, but the food was good. We noticed that the `bell man' also doubled as waiter. Now his uniform was a loose shirt, Bermudas and an apron.
"Damn!" Hal said.
"What?"
"With that damned apron you can't see his treasure."
"Probably just as well, otherwise we couldn't eat our supper," I chuckled.
"You are probably right."
About 9:00 that evening, Hal and I were relaxing watching CNN on the TV when there was a knock on the door. Hal open the door and the `bell man' stepped in carying a bowl of fresh fruit.
"Compliments of the management, gentlemen," he said as he walked over and srt the bowl on the cocktail table.
Both Hal's and my eyes bulged! Rather than loose fitting, string tied Bermudas, he was wearing white, clinging, revealing, lycra shorts. Registering our mutual reaction, he grinned from ear to ear.
"You like my pants?"
"Oh, yeah," we both admitted in consort, our eyes locked on the the outline of his opulent cock and balls.
Frankly, I was somewhat taken back at his audacity, his boldness. But, who am I to object?
The `bell man's' eyes narrowed, but his smile did not lessen. Then he slipped his thumbs into the waistband of his revealing shorts and drew them down. His enormous, hooded cock flopped out and dangled there! It was easily seven-and-a-half or eight inches long, obviously detumescent and the head was covered with a generous foreskin. Veins ran the length of the shaft, visually adding to the lengthy appearance. He had an opulent, loose skinned ball sack in which nestled two ping-pong ball sized nuts. Gently with his fore finger and thumb he pushed that great, loose, foreskin back revealing a glistening purplish pink knob.
"Damn!" I gasped as I sat there. Truly, I had never seen such an enormous cock! Hal and I were both momentarily transfixed.
Hal came to his senses quicker that I did.
"Is that compliments of the management too?"
The bell man' smiled and was about to answer when the phone rang. I reached over and answered it, "Hello," and looked up to the bell man' and asked, "Are you Amos?"
He nodded.
"This is for you."
Amos stepped over as my eyes returned to that incredible piece of manhood pendulously hanging there. He took the phone, said, "This is Amos . . . Yes?" and as he got his message, "OK, I'll be right there!"
Handing the phone back to me, Amos quickly pulled up his shorts and said, "Sorry, Guys gotta go."
He turned and walked towards the door. Hal escorted him to the door and after a second or two, closed it, "Saved by the bell!"
"DAMN! If that's part of the service The Boulders ought to be a ten-star resort!"
"You know, as he stepped onto the porch, he grabbed his normal Bermudas that he had left on the railing and put them back on."
"So that show was just for us?"
"Appears to have been."
"Do you think he saw us this afternoon at the end of the beach?"
"Don't know."
Fortunately or unfortunately we were not treated to a similar show again while at The Boulders. But, the relict of that huge, dangling, dark, veined cock remains in my mind. Did I desire to have sucked it? No! Did I desire to have felt it in my ass? Absolutely not! Did I desire to have touched it? Of course. I wanted to fondle it to cradle it in my hand. That's all.
"Come over here!" I said to Hal in the half light of the setting sun.
"What?"
"Just come over here."
Walking over to where I was sitting, "What?" he said less insistently.
Reaching out, I softly ran my hand over the bulge in the front of his Bermudas.
"I know what you're up to!" he stated with a grin, "You're some kind of damned, wierd sex PREEVERT!" he chuckled.
`Preevert' is our own little joke. Hal once told me his grandfather had once said of two guys living together, "They're preeverts!" mispronouncing the term.
"If I'm preeverted, then I'm preeverted for you!" I chortled.
Saying that I pulled the tie on his Bermudas and they slid down to the floor. That day Hal was going commando! He usually did when he wasn't at work. His burgeoning, sweelling cock arched out from and over his balls. Grasping its thickening shaft I lightly squeezed it and pushed my hand towards his pubes, unveiling his cock head as the foreskin rolled back. I leaned forward and encased that pulsing, pinkish-lavender, glistening head in my mouth while swirling my tongue over its satiny surface.
"Oh! Damn! You really know how to get a guy's attention," he breathed.
Playing the role of a slut, I answered, "Honey, I want more than your attention!"
I licked the length and breadth of his expanding shaft and started all over again. I loved exciting Hal this way. He could be so laid back, except I knew the key to unlock his sensual door. When he was suitably eroticized, he could ba amazing. He reached down and groped my crotch, searching for my hardening cock.
"Un huh," I vocalized pushing his hand away.
"Why?"
"'Cause I'm gonna drive you wild tonight!"
"You already have," he gasped.
"Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!" and I went back to sucking his delicious cock.
"Ahhh!" Hal gasped.
For some reason, probably the fucking and sucking play we were treated to in the boulders, plus that huge, dark chocolate cock swinging in front of me a few minutes ago, made me as horny as hell! For long minutes I tongue teases Hal's Rigid, pulsing rod, then I transferred my attention to his balls. I liked them til they were glistening with my saliva, then returned to his cock.
Again he reached for my cock. I stood up, manoeuvered him to the bed and pushed him back onto it.
Standing between his legs, I untied my Bermudas and let them slip to the floor. My cock stood rigidly at attention. I wagged it at him.
"I wanna suck your cock!" he rasped.
"Un huh," I said as I shook my head.
"I wanna suck YOUR COCK," he demanded loudly.
"Nope. You only have one choice tonight!" Saying that I turned and rubbed my ass cheeks lasciviously. Oh, I was really playing the slut tonight!
"Then come here, you preevert and sit on my cock!"
"Nope. You gotta work for it!"
Hal lunged for me. I dodged him. He lunged again and I again evaded him.
We started to laugh at the scene we must be presenting--two grown men running about with raging hard ones, playing tag! Laughing hysterically, I finally flopped on the bed, on my back, legs spread. Hal fell on top of me, pinning me down.
Reaching over he whispered in my ear, "I love you Bob Cavanaugh, you crazy, demented preevert and I'm going to make you pay for this in the most delicious way imaginable!"
"I was hoping for that!"
Lunging for my cock, he quickly swallowed my whole length.
"Ohhhh!"
Then reaching for the K-Y, Hal started to prepare my tightened hole for the invasion of his turgid, tumid dick. Automatically, I lifted my legs and brought my knees to my chest. The sensation of his hot mouth on my cock and his fingering of my ass never failed to prime me for a good cocking. He shoved a pillow under my ass, elevating it, placing it at the most advantageous height and angle for his lusty, pulsing prick's attack.
Hal had always been aware the the girth of his cock was something that I needed ttime to accomodate and become comfortable with. Slowly I felt the rose-bud shaped cock head penetrate the outer gates of my tight ass and I gasped from luxurious expectation. Slowly, oh, so slowly he pushed that thick-bodied love muscle into me! When he was fully seated, in to the hilt, plumbing my depths, I wrapped my legs `bout his waist and locked my ankles. This I did automatically and without conscious volition. It was a non-verbal signal to start his slow withdrawl and repenetration, in and out, in and out.
"Oh! Gawd, I love how you make me feel . . . how you feel in side me," I groaned out loud.
"You like my cock in you?"
The giggling play of minutes back was now replaced by serious love making, pleasuring and giving pleasure.
"Oh, yes. You fill me with so much passion."
I squeezed my sphincter as Hal started on of those slow thrusts inward.
"Ahhh! I love what you do with your ass!"
"I love what you do with your cock!"
Reaching over he kissed me deeply and I drew him further into me with the pressure of my heels pushing on his flexing, muscular buns. For long luscious minutes we continued this primordial dance. Then slowly
Hal pulled out and whispered, "Turn over and lift your hot ass."
I complied, hugging the pillow, pulling my knees up towards my chest and elevating my ass. Hal crawled up behind me placed a hand on my hip and with his other hand aimed his glistening cock toward my quivering hole, and entered me again.
"Ahhh!"
"Oh! I love to watch my cock pushing into your delightful hole . . . stretching it over my shaft!"
That was a position I luxuriated in too, looking down as my hard, sensitized cock pushed in and out of Hal's hole. He started to slam fuck my ass, plunging into the very depths of my being. We both groaned.
Stopping and falling over onto my back and bringing his lips close to my ear he whispered, "Do you know something?"
"What?"
"I love you."
This was a decaration we had first made years ago, but one that never fails to warm my heart when he tells me. He tells me at least once every day.
Clutching me, Hal rolls our united bodies `til we are on our sides, spooned and starts to fuck me again.
"Oh, I love this," I murmur as he pushes in and draws way out only to plunge in again!
"I love fuckin your ass."
"I love you fucking my ass," and I bring my top leg way up in the air and grasp it with my arms.
Hal throws his top leg over my thigh, torques and draws his bottom knee up to my waist `til he's stradling my thigh, kneeling ove my thigh. He takes my raised leg, wraps his arms around it for leverage, and with a conserted thrust of his hips, jamms his substantial, hard, throbbing cock back into my depths. He starts pistoning my ass.
"Oh! Gawd!" he gasps, "I love fuckin your hot hole . . . while my ass . . . rubs against your . . . hairy thighs."
"Yeah! Fuck my ass with that big cock of yours!"
And, did he!
Again, he pulled out and took my legs and dragged me to the edge of the bed, thowing the pillows on the floor, he knelt on them, put my legs over his shoulder, wrapped his arms around my knees and slammed back into me with unerring accuracy. Then he began to increase his speed. This was the position I loved the best as his hard, thick cock inevitably ran back and forth over my inner know and always brought me to a screaming orgasm.
"Oh, Fuck me Hal! Fuck me good! Fill me with your hot cum!"
I could feel me mounting that luxurious tsunami of release. Then suddenly . . .
"AAARRRGGGHHH!" and also "AAARRRGGGHHH!"
Hal collapsed on me. I dropped my legs to the cloor, bracketing Hal's. Panting we embraced each other.
"Gawd! That was phenomenal!" Hal rasped.
"Yeah! That it was!"
"Ya know something?"
"What?"
"My cock feels so good, do comfortable in your ass, I don't think I ever want to move it!
"OK with me! I love the feel of you in me."
"Bob, why do you turn me on so much."
Smiling, "'Cause you turn me on, you preevert."
Hal smiled, wiggled his ass which transmitted its movements into my ass via his encased cock. I flexed my sphincter and my ass muscled.
"Damn! How do you do that?"
"You like it?"
"Oh, yeah!"
Kissing him I flexed my muscles again.
"Mmmm!" and Hal flexed his hip.
Lifting my head and looking directly at him, I asked "Are you getting hard AGAIN?"
He just smiled and thrust again.
"Yup! You are,! You insatiabale preevert!"
And ever so slowly, we made love again. This time without changing positions.
A month after we returned Hal came home looking beat.
"What's the matter, Honey?" I asked.
"Ahhh, just felt I had no energy."
"Do you have fever," I asked as I felt his forehead, and answered my self, "Nope."
"Just have a bug, I guess."
A couple of days later Hal complained of the same listless feeling.
"Maybe you should see the doctor," I suggested.
"Yeah. If I don't feel any better tomorrow, I will."
The next evening Hal came home and announced, "Went to the clinic and saw the doctor."
"What did he say?"
"Not much, sent me to the lab. They took some blood. Gawd, I hate that! Supposed to see him tomorrow afternoon for the results."
"Want me to go with you?"
"Naw. It'll be OK!"
Late in the morning, the next day, I got a call from Dr. Anderson, our physician. He had been our physician since we made our commitment.
"Bob, could you take some time off and meet with me and Hal this afternoon, 3:00?"
"Yeah, sure. Is there a problem?"
"Let's discuss that when you get here?"
A dark presentament descended upon me.
At 3:00 I arrived in the doctor's office. The nurse said, "Go right in, Hal just got here."
When I entered, Hal looked up, "What are you doing here?"
"Hodgkin's Lymphoma!"
It hit us like a sledge hammer! I was totally stunned. Hal was a bit more sanguine.
"It's cureable?" he asked.
"In the early stages, there is a considrable success rate."
"And, what stage am I at?"
"Well, it looks pretty good, but I wish we had caught it earlier."
"So, I'm not in the early stage?"
"We can't be sure. There seems to be some systemic involvement."
HAl and i sat and looked stunned at each other.
"I'm sending to an oncologist, a good man. He can tell you more."
We were immediately taken to the oncologist in the clinic.
Hal was immediately admitted to the neighboring hospital and I leadenly went home. There I broke down and cried for an hour. Later, I administered some Visine to take the red from my eyes and drove back to the hospital. Hal looke wan and was alreasy hooked up to an intervenous drip.
"You OK?" he asked.
"Yeah, but more importantly, are you OK?"
"Felt better," he answered with a grin. "You know how I hate needles?" and added with a wink, "There are other things that I'd rather have stuck inme!"
"You're so bad!" I chuckled.
"I know, but woud you rather have me any other way?"
"No way Baby."
Two days later Hal was released. We talked long hours in the warm confines of our apartment, discussing every possibility. Strangely enough we were incresibly calm. Guess we were in a state of shock.
Two months later we got the devastating news that the chemotherapy was not working. The prognosis was grim, but he was still kept on chemotherapy, hoping that some new concoction would take hold.
The chemotherapy wracked his body, causing uncontrolled gagging. Nothing seemed to work. I woke up one night and Hal was not in the bed. I got out of bed and looked in the bathroom. He wasn't there. I raced down the hall and noticed that the guest room door was open. He was curled up on the bed. Quietly I snuggled up to him and held him in my arms.
"What are you doing?" he asked sleepily.
"Sleeping with you."
"I'll keep you awake!"
"I don't care! You are my love and I want to be with you."
Hal never left the warmth of our bed again. Many nights we would simply talk quietly as I held him in my arms.
We were able to hire a nurse to stay with Hal during the day. An able young man from the local hospice. From 5:00 in the afternoon `til 8:00 the next morning, I attended to his needs.
Irrevocably, I watched the man I loved waste away.
Two months later Hal passed on in his sleep. I had to live on! In one sense, I was lucky as I had long months to prepare myself for his passing. Still when the time came, I was devastated, desolate, absolutely bereft. The few short years we spent together was a time of joy and total commitment. Now my life was empty, a void.
If I thought that my breakup with Aarman was difficult, this was a hundered times more traumatic. I didn't want to survive. Yet, I did.