Autumn's Leave

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AUTUMN'S LEAVE

by

Ritch Christopher

CHAPTER TWO

I awoke the next morning with a stiff neck, having slept only three hours in a reclining chair in the den. It took a few minutes for me to focus on my surroundings and realized what had prompted me not to sleep in my bed. My first thought concerned the houseguest sleeping in the guestroom. My first impulse was to run down the hall to make sure he hadn't made a quiet exit while I slept. Instead, I tiptoed and eased the door open and I saw Tom asleep in the bed, his covers half thrown off in the floor, which he needed to hide his morning boner lying taut against his muscled abs. Normally, I wouldn't have looked at his erect member because, being a coach, I was used to seeing naked males daily, some with erections but mostly those that didn't. But somehow, watching this male who had grown so close to me in the late night hours, I felt a sense of complacency as if I had just peeked in to check on my own son and he was all right.

"Do we have guests?" Nina asked from the hallway, I hadn't noticed her behind me.

"One." I replied.

"Oh?"

"Tom, Tom Summerfield. You know, the boy who didn't show up for dinner last night."

"What'd he do? Come by late for leftovers?" Nina joked,

"No, it's a long story, Let's go into the kitchen and I'll tell you all about it I had quite a night after you went to bed." I said.

"Maybe I should've stayed up and not missed all the fun." she replied.

"Oh, it wasn't fun, believe me."

"Would you like some breakfast?"

"Yes, please...Just oatmeal, toast, and coffee."

"Aye, aye, sir."

"Thanks, babe. Don't go away, you haven't given me my good morning kiss." I said, pulling her toward me.

"Closed mouth! You know the rules. No serious kissing in the morning without mouthwash." she said.

"Sorry, my lips are sealed." Nina leaned into me a gave me a little peck on the mouth. "Thanks," I said, as gave her a slight swat on the butt.

"Now tell me about how Tom Sawyer wound up in the guestroom."

I kept my voice as low as I could, not wanting Tom to hear accidentally, what I was saying, but I spent the better part of the next ten minutes giving Nina all the details about the Dean's late call, my going to the jail to pick up Tom, and the long ride home. I did not mention any reference to Tom's sexual problem, nor did I express the intimacy I felt while holding him as he went to sleep. I wasn't really lying to Nina, I just wasn't telling her every detail. She was curious though as to why I had brought him home as opposed to taking him back to his dorm.

"It was late and he'd been in a fight." I explained. "I didn't know if he had internal injuries and after Tom had refused to let me take him to the hospital emergency room, I saw no problem in bringing him home to watch him, just in case...you know."

"Jim, you know I don't mind, I was just curious if he was high on drugs or alcohol?"

"Nope, He doesn't do drugs, and to be honest with you, he might have had one beer too many, but he wasn't drunk by any standard,"

"Well, now that he's here, what are you going to do with him? Is he going to practice with you at noon?"

"I'm gonna talk to him about it when he wakes up."

"I'm awake," said Tom's voice from the hallway outside the kitchen, I hoped to God he hadn't heard my conversation with Nina, although I had not revealed any of his secrets, so he shouldn't have been embarrassed to meet her. Tom came in the kitchen and stood there for a moment sizing up Nina and me, together.

"Come in. Tom. I want you to meet my wife, Nina. Nina...Tom."

"Hi, Tom," Nina said.

"Ma'am." Tom said, nodding his head. Damn! At least he remembered his manners. I was so used to his sarcasm and negativity, I wasn't sure how he would act around Nina.

"Would you like breakfast?" Nina asked.

"Just juice, please, if you have some." Tom replied.

"Name your poison, mister," Nina said, as if she were talking to me, "Orange, Grapefruit, Tomato, Prune...what'll it be?"

"Tomato, please...and some salt." Tom said.

"Come on, sit down, and be part of the family," I said to him.

"Thank you, sir."

My God, did the kid have a split personality? All this "sir" and "maam" business took me for quite a surprise. This was not the same kid I'd seen a few hours ago at the Police Station.

"I said we needed to have a talk this morning, but I'm due at the football field around noon...probably later because some of the team go to church with their families."

"You don't go to church?" Tom asked.

"No, I've been measured and fitted by many pastors, but I never found a church my size that would fit me." I joked. "How about you? Are you religious?"

"Hell, I mean, 'heck', no. Pardon me, Mrs. Kerr." he said, apologizing.

"Hey, listen, Tom, when you're at school and see me as a teacher, I'll be Mrs. Kerr to you, but when you've slept in my guestroom and I'm pouring juice for you at the breakfast table, my name is Nina. I'm just one of the guys when I'm home around Jim and his team members. You ARE gonna play quarterback for Jim, aren't you?" Nina said. I could have kissed her the way she had phrased her sentence.

"I...I don't know." Tom stammered.

"Look, according to what Jim says, the team needs you. How often in life can you turn down something or someone that needs you? That's what makes you feel really important...to be needed."

Nina was doing fine. I sat back and let her do my persuading for me.

"I don't know if I'm still any good." Tom said.

"You can still throw a football, can't you?"

"Yes, maam."

"And you know all the rules about playing, don't you?"

"I guess."

"And I don't have to ask...I can see you're physically fit...unless you have some psychological problem that doesn't show," she continued.

"Well, none that I can speak about anyway."

"Even if you did, a good psychologist would tell you the best thing to quell neurosis or psychosis is to get involved with a group...especially an athletic group, if one is available. Sports are good for the mind, soul, and body."

"Yes, maam."

"Then, tell me why you're so uncertain about playing quarterback?"

"I just have a couple of personal problems I have to cope with first."

"You have a problem and you're a quarterback? Take out your frustration on the other team's defense. That's what Jim tells his players. I've heard him say it over and over when he had team members here at the house for dinner. I'm only quoting him."

"Hear! Hear!" I said, toasting Nina with my coffee cup. In twelve years, I'd never seen this side to Nina. She knew how desperately I need Tom for the team and she was doing her best to see that I got what I wanted. For an instant I wondered how she would've felt if I had told her I wanted or needed a son...but the thought passed quickly.

"Now that I've broken the ice and laid the groundwork for you, I'll leave and go to the market to shop for dinner. Do you think you'll be staying for dinner, Tom?" Nina asked, gathering her purse and car keys.

"Probably not." Tom replied, after a furtive glance my way.

"Why not? Besides, I owe you a meal for the one you missed last night, and in return you owe me an evening of your conversation which I missed last night...whaddya say?"

"Oh, all right, thanks."

"Good!!! Pork chops? Lamb chops? Beef? No! No beef, you missed out on the prime rib last night so there'll be no beef for you tonight. Fair is fair. How about a fresh turkey?"

"Hamburgers would be fine." Tom said.

"No, that's beef! What's your second choice, and please don't say, 'ham sandwiches'!"

"All right, lamb chops, if they're not too much trouble."

"The only trouble I seem to have is making sure you'll be here when I'm finished cooking. Do you promise me that you'll be here?"

"Yes, maam."

"Good! Lamb chops with mint sauce coming up!" Nina said, as she went out the door to the car.

"Wow! She comes on strong, doesn't she?" Tom said, after she had left. "But in a nice way," he explained.

"Tom, I swear to you, I've never seen Nina like that in all the years I've known her...You seemed to've brought out a new side in her that I've never seen...You seemed to've brought out a few things in me, too."

"Oh, you mean, this morning?...On the bed?" he said, flinching at the answer I might give to him.

"Precisely." I said.

"Look, Coach, I'm real sorry for putting you in such an embarrassing situation. I don't know what came over me. Maybe the guy at the bar had jarred something loose inside my head."

"That's your excuse...what's mine?" I said.

"Oh, you didn't behave badly. It was me."

"I've never held a man before, like I held you this morning, It was a first for me." I replied.

"I'm sorry if it upset you."

"I didn't say it upset me, I just said, I'd never done it before."

"And you're embarrassed?"

"No. I'm not sure how I felt. Or how I feel now."

"I've been held by straight men before, but under different circumstances."

"You mean when you were having sex with them?"

"Sometimes...usually. It's just that...well, last night, I wanted to be held. It wasn't you, personally, I just wanted SOMEBODY to hold me."

"I guess the thing that's bothering me the most, Tom, is that I WANTED to hold you."

"And you let your emotions get away from you, didn't you."

"I suppose that's what happened...but then, it was more than that. Now this is really embarrassing, but the whole time I was holding you in my arms, I felt myself getting sexually aroused...and that's what bothered me. It wasn't holding you, it was what else was happening to me."

"Coach, don't let it get to you. All men have a certain amount of 'bi' in them."

"I'd never noticed it before. I've been a coach for over seven years. I work side by side with guys. I rub their sore muscles, I bandage their legs, sometimes I even shower with them. I see them naked and never before have I felt anything out of the ordinary. But, you, it's like the way Nina acted just now...you brought out a side of me I'd never experienced before."

"How do you feel about me right now?" Tom asked.

"I'm not sure. Since I've never actually coached you and you've never been a student in one of my classes, you're like some stranger that's entered into my life that I met one night and the following evening you're sleeping naked in my house and it's dark and I found myself holding you while you cried on my shoulder."

"You're not questioning your masculinity because of your actions, are you?"

"I don't think so, but I'm guilty of feeling things I've never felt before and doing things I've never had any desire to do. How do you explain that?"

"Shit! Maybe you were just horny. Chalk it up to that! Haven't you ever been to a movie, or even a porno flick, for that matter, and seen a guy making love to a woman...and found yourself getting a hard-on? Are you getting hard because you're looking at the naked woman or are you hard because you're imagining the size dick the man has, that he wants to stick into her. Don't tell me you wouldn't look at a man's dick if it was hard! All guys do, no matter whether they're straight or gay. Haven't you ever been in a restroom and some guy is standing at the urinal next to yours? Didn't you ever feel the urge to peek over and see if his dick was bigger than yours? Then how did you feel. Were you glad his was smaller or did you envy him because yours wasn't as big as his. Hell, man! All guys do that!"

"Yeah, but I didn't hold them in the moonlight while they were naked, lying in my bed."

"Let me ask you something, personally, and I'd like a straight answer. You're straight so I expect a straight answer!"

"Go ahead," I said.

"This morning, while you were holding me, did you think I wanted to have sex with you? Did you that that was my ulterior motive?"

"I'll be honest. The thought DID occur to me." I said.

"And what if I HAD wanted to have sex with you. Would you have hit me or just run out the door?"

"I don't know. I'd probably have left you, somehow, without hurting your feelings."

"OK! Then no damage was done! Your masculinity is safe, along with your manly virtue!"

"That still doesn't explain my arousal." I said.

"Here, let me put your mind at ease. Stand up." Tom said, taking charge.

"What?"

"Stand up. I want to try an experiment with you. OK?"

"OK." I stood up and he did, also.

"Now, put your arms around me." he said.

"This is ridiculous." I said.

"No, it's not. I'm trying to help you understand. OK? Play along with me for a minute, will you...Now, put your arms around me."

Hesitantly, I obliged and put my arms around him. He counteracted my movement by putting his arms around me. We were face to face, only three or four inches separating our lips. Once again, I could feel myself sinking into his jade green eyes. But that wasn't all that was happening. The feeling in my loins was mounting as they had earlier in the guestroom. I didn't have half an erection. I was sprouting a full-fledged boner. I knew Tom was as aware of what was happening to me as I was. I knew that if our two bodies suddenly separated, my swollen crotch would be visible to both of us. Instead of embarrassing me by pulling back, he surprised the hell out of me by leaning forward, pressing his lips on mine. I froze with fright. I'd never been in this kind of situation and didn't know how to act. My male instinct was to break away and knock him down with my fist. But some hidden instinct made me choose to stay and respond. My arms ran up and down his back. His arms mimicked my reactions except his right hand went lower than mine and he guided it to the front of my crotch where he gripped my fully erect penis. I exhaled with release when he touched me. His tongue was prying my lips open and I felt the rush of his warm breath and saliva as they entered my mouth at the same time. My tongue began jousting his for territory... whose tongue would go where next? It didn't matter. My only thought was how could I face him and what would I say after the moment ended? Finally, I managed to pull away.

"We'd better stop!" I said.

"Why?"

"Tom, whatever just happened, CAN'T happen!" I said.

"Why not?"

"Because...just because...that's why. I'm a teacher, a coach, a man. You're my student...and you're a man. I don't do that kind of thing."

"MEN do, you know."

"Maybe so, but I'm not one of them."

"Why did you get hard then?"

"I don't know and I don't want to know. Can we try to compose ourselves and talk about football?" I said, trying to bring some sanity back to an impossible situation.

"Sure...let's talk," he said.

"Is there any way I can talk you into to playing quarterback for me?"

"Sure...just ask."

"Then, will you?"

"Sure."

I was suspicious of his changed attitude and wondering if he was playing me for a sap.

"Why are you so suddenly agreeing when you were so opposed to the idea yesterday?"

"That's before I got to know you," he said.

"Look, Tom, I can't explain what happened between us just now, but you've got to know, there will be no more occurrences such as that one. Is that clear?" I said, regaining control.

"Sure."

"I mean. Do you understand?"

"Sure."

"And you're still willing to play, knowing that those are rules?"

"Sure."

"All right, Are you ready to go to practice?"

"Sure."

"Do you want to get anything you might have left in the bedroom?"

"No, I'll get it later when I come home with you for dinner."

"Tom, you must understand that Nina must never know about what happened between us?"

"What? And let her know that I like guys? You're the only person who knows for sure. I don't believe the police believed me last night, so my secret is in your hands and your secret is...well, you know who knows about your secret...and I promise not to tell, either."

Once again, when I reached the football field, Bud and Dan had beaten me there. They were talking with Harm, who was already dressed out for practice. The three of them looked very surprised when I drove up with Tom. On the drive over, Tom hadn't mentioned the preceding bedroom antics once. Instead our conversation had focused on football and how important the rest of the games of the season were. Tom followed me to meet the guys.

"Bud, Dan, Harm, I want you to formally meet our last night's dinner guest. He's a little late but he's here."

The four of them shook hands and exchanged greetings.

"Harm, I want you to take Tom into the locker room and suit him up in full gear. He's going to practice with us all afternoon. Isn't that right, Tom?" I said, pushing him for an affirmative answer.

"Yes, Coach,"Tom replied.

"And Harm? Bring out my master play book. We're gonna pick out a dozen or two of the best ones and run them back to back."

"Yessir!" Harm said, taking Tom by the shoulder and leading him to the locker room.

"What made him change his mind?" Dan asked.

"He didn't! I sorta changed it for him." I said. "It's a long story but the kid got into a little trouble with the police last night. Nothing serious. There were no charges brought against him. I received a call from Dean Connelly asking that I go retrieve the prodigal son from the depths of the dungeon. I made a deal with him that I wouldn't tell the team about the incident if he would practice with us today."

"I noticed a few cuts and bruises on his face and the making of a shiner. What'd you do, beat him up?" Bud asked.

"No, there was a sign around his neck at the police station saying, "Take him, 'as is'. So I nabbed him from the bargain basement and took him home to patch him up. He spent the night in the guestroom."

"Do you think he feels well enough to play or at least practice?" Dan asked.

"Take my word for it, he's in extremely good physical condition." I said, before thinking. I hoped I hadn't said to much to arouse any suspicion.

The rest of the team was sauntering onto the field one by one or in groups of twos. They must've seen Tom in the locker room and were all puzzled by his unscheduled appearance. They began tossing the ball across the field and doing a few warm-up exercises. Harm had not yet returned with Tom when I called the team over for a conference.

"Listen, guys." I began. "Today, we're going to be trying out Tom Summerfield for the quarterback position. Now, in high school he broke all kinds of state records, but he's a bit rusty. I don't want any of the defense to hold back when you charge him. That's up to the offense to protect him. But, at the same time, I don't want to see you trample him either. I don't want to discourage him on his first outing. What you saw him do yesterday...well, I hoping it was no accident. If Tom can deliver like I think he can, then we might be able to salvage what's left of our season."

My little speech pumped them up a bit and they showed more enthusiasm than they had during the past three weeks. I realized, even without Tom being present, I had placed a weighty load on his back, probably including my job as coach. So Tom had to come through for many reasons.

A few minutes later, Tom and Harm came running onto the field. The uniform fit Tom perfectly. The green jersey made his green eyes stand out. Even if you didn't go for guys, you'd have to admit he was a handsome hunk. I paused to wonder if his looks had turned me on as I was still searching an answer for my unorthodox behavior at home. I asked the two of them to come up in front of the team and stand three feet apart and look at one another.

"Tom, Harm, I want you to look each other over. Look into each other's eyes. I want you to get to know one another because, for the rest of the day and as long as the two of you play on the same team, from now on you are partners, best pals, lovers, husband and wife, or any other way you want to refer to yourselves. You've got to think on the same wave link. You've got to delve in each others minds until you know what the other is thinking. Everything the rest of the team does depends on your marriage. All plays begin when the center snaps the ball to the quarterback. You all know the rules, if anyone of the team starts to play or move before you do, then the whole team is penalized. You are the nucleus. The rest of the team are ions, protons, and neutrons, scrambling to get in the right place at the right time. Is that understood?"

They both replied, "Yessir!"

"Let me hear it from the entire team."

The team responded with a resounding, "YESSIR!!!"

"OK, now," I continued."Harm, turn to page fifteen in the play book and let Tom read it. Tom, if you have any questions, shout it out now. I want to run no less than two dozen plays this afternoon. If the play doesn't work, then we'll run it until it DOES work!"

Tom went into a private huddle with Harm and the two of them discussed the play briefly. Tom nodded when he thought he had the grasp of it.

The team assumed play formation and Tom made the call, "On two. Ready? Hut, hut, hut, four, three, two!" It was a simple play where Tom would toss the ball to Phil who would be about ten feet in front of the center. The defense pushed hard to reach Tom, but the offense did their jobs and protected him while the play worked like a top. Both the defense and offense were encouraged when everything worked just right, the way Dan, Bud, and I had planned it.

We flipped through the pages of the play book, one by one for the next three hours. It was the best practice the team ever had. Randy had been right in his assessment of last Friday's game. All the team needed was a quarterback, and, by God, it looked like we'd found one. By four o'clock, Tom was everyone's hero. They were slapping him on the back, tapping on his helmet, and shouting words of praise to him. Tom looked at me with a winning smile at his acceptance of his fellow teammates. His white smile gleamed and I felt myself melting inside. Jesus! What the fuck was wrong with me? Did guys actually turn gay late in life? Of course not. I tried to convince myself that I was just worked up because the practice had gone so well.

The team, pleased with itself, headed off the field toward the showers. Dan and Bud crowded me, offering congratulations when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"Hey, coach." It was Tom. "I didn't bring any clean clothes or underwear with me. Do you think it would be all right if I showered in the dorm?"

I had halfway anticipated this because I remembered Tom's fear of showering with the team.

"Sure, Tom, that'll be fine. Wear your uniform to the dorm and you can bring it back with you tomorrow afternoon at practice."

"Thank you, sir." he said.

"If you like, I'll drive you to the dorm and wait. Then I'll take you back to my house to get the rest of your things you left there."

"Sir?"

"Oh, it's OK. I told Dan and Bud that you'd spent the night in the guest room. Relax and don't looked so surprised, will you?"

"You did a fine job, son." Dan said to Tom.

"Indeed you did! You made quite an impression on the rest of the team this afternoon."

"Thank you, sir, but I can do a lot better once I get back in shape and once I familiarize myself with the play book."

"Don't do that!" Dan said, "You get any better and we'll have to recruit a whole new team."

"That's not a bad idea, Dan." Bud said, kidding Dan.

"Go hang yourself, I'm not about to recruit anybody this late in the season!" Dan replied.

"Tom, go get your street clothes and meet me at my car."

"Okeydoke." he said, running to the locker room.

'Okeydoke'? Was this the same kid that was so disgruntled only twenty-four hours ago? Was it being back in a uniform or being part of a team that had made the difference in him? Or was it me? I dismissed the last thought immediately. But then, why had I thought it in the first place?

Dan, Bud, and I made plans for Monday's practice, picking out plays we hadn't tried earlier today. Tom had brought new life into them. The kid was some kind of Peter Pan who could work magic on people, only he didn't know it. By the time the three of us were through plotting out strategies, I saw Tom waiting for me by my car.

On the way to the dorm, we drove silently for five minutes. I was the first to speak.

"Tom, you were something else, this afternoon. I was proud and pleased by the way you performed."

"Thanks."

"How do you feel?"

"Kinda good, I guess," he replied, with a slightly surprised smile.

"You should feel better than good," I said to him.

"Coach?"

"Yes?"

"Uh..do you think?...I mean, is there a chance that...?

"What?"

"Is Harm gay?"

"Good Lord, no! What made you ask that? Did he try to kiss you in the locker room or something?"

"No, but I've played quarterback with a lot of teams. And I've taken the snap from many centers...but every time I put my hands down in between Harm's legs to receive the snap, he put sort of a wiggle in his hips and he all but sat down on my hands. It was like he was offering his ass to me."

"Tom, good God, either you're extremely horny or you're imagining things."

"I don't think so. A couple of times he wiggled so much, the referee would've called a false start penalty on him."

"Don't get any ideas into your head. I'll watch him closely tomorrow and see if I can pick up on the movement you're talking about."

"OK, but wouldn't it something if he WAS gay?"

"Yeah, it'd be something all right. I'd have two headaches instead of the one sitting beside me."

"Coach?"

"What now?"

"Can I spend the night at your house again tonight?"

"No, I'm afraid that's out of the question. Why?"

"I don't know. Maybe I don't trust myself or maybe you shouldn't trust me just yet. What if I get the urge to go out on a manhunt again tonight?"

"You little shit! You're blackmailing me and I'm on to you."

"I wish you were."

"Were what?"

"On to me."

"Now, Tom, stop that!" I said emphatically. "I'm not gay and I'm never going to be gay, so you can get that idea out of your head, once and for all!"

"You let me kiss you."

"I know and I've been sorry all afternoon."

"Was it so horrible?"

"Well,...no."

"Didn't you like it, just a little?"

"I suppose."

"I mean, after all, you did put your tongue in my mouth."

"Tom, I was wrapped up in the heat of the moment. Believe me. It WON'T happen again!"

"But it might..."

"Probably, it MIGHT NOT, too!"

"OK...for now." he said, as the car pulled up in front of the dorm.

After he got out of the car, he stuck his head inside the passenger window and asked, "Are you sure I can't spend the night?"

"I'm positive."

"I'll bring a change of clothes just in case." he said as he ran inside the dorm door.

All the time I'd been arguing with him about spending the night, I was having a tougher battle within myself. I wanted him to spend the night and I had no explanation why. Goddamn,if this problem continued for the rest of the season, I'd be out of job, out of a marriage, and onto a therapist's couch. Twenty minutes later Tom returned, shaved, showered, carrying his football uniform and pads, and a backpack in which he'd brought a change of clothes, I presumed and also assured myself that this was unnecessary because I planned to take him back to the dorm when he'd finished the last bite of dessert.

I drove the car to the back of the house so that we could enter through the kitchen. Nina was standing by the stove where all four burners were filled with pots and pans; the oven was loaded with something that smelled delicious. Tom and I came into the kitchen just as Nina bent over to look into the oven. I couldn't resist a light slap to her fanny. She raised up quickly just as Tom neared her. He reached over and kissed her on the cheek and said, "Hi, Mom. We're home!" It would have been a contest to see who was the more astonished, Nina or me, at Tom's opening remark. Not to let Tom get the best of her, Nina played along with him.

"Why, son. you're home so early from the wars." she said."Were you wounded?"

"Only where I can't show you, Mom," was Tom's answer.

"Are you home for good? And can I take the star out of the window?" she said, playfully.

"No, Mom, keep the star where it is! Looks like I'm off to the trenches again tomorrow."

"Too bad. Promise me, you'll be careful and don't let those nasty old tackles harm you." She replied, patting his cheeks.

"Be brave, Mom. I'll be home for Christmas."

For some reason, I was too taken back to join in their fun. First of all I couldn't believe Tom acting as he did, but what was more frightening was seeing Nina responding to his horseplay. I didn't recognize either one of them.

"You boys go set the dining room table while I finish cooking," she said.

"Yes, Mom, anything to please you and to make your day better." Tom replied.

Tom followed me to the buffet where I retrieved a linen table cloth and several matching napkins. I showed Tom the China cabinet and where to get the plates, cups, and saucers.

"What the hell was that all about, just now?" I asked him.

"What?"

"The 'When Johnny Comes Marching Home' routine."

"Oh, I just want her to like me. That's all."

"But you kissed her on the cheek and you hardly know her."

"I kissed her husband on the lips and I hardly knew him any better."

"Tom, for God's sake, keep those remarks to yourself. Do you want to ruin my marriage?"

"NO. Do you?"

"Hell, no. Get the silverware on top of the buffet and remember the forks go on the left side."

"I know...Daddy."

"Tom? Please stop that. This is going beyond being fun. A joke is a joke, but this one's gone far enough."

"Sorry. I just wanted you to see I'm not always maudlin and depressed."

"Well, you're acting more like you're manic-depressive...sad one night and filled with glee the next."

"You mean like a bi-polar bear?"

"More like a bi-polar schizophrenic."

"You talkin' to me?" Tom said a la Robert DeNiro in "Taxi Driver". He kept that up, repeating the phrase, emphasizing a different word and syllable, every time he repeated it.

"That phrase doesn't suit you unless you shave your hair into a mohawk."

"I can do that! Is your razor in the bathroom cabinet?"

My patience had worn thin. I headed for the bar to fix a drink.

"Please, don't do that!" he said, trying to stop me. "I'll quit! I'll behave, just don't drink!"

"You drank in a bar last night."

"Only beer. I never touch the hard stuff."

"Why's that?"

"Coach, my mother and father were both alcoholics. I never saw them sober the last two years before the plane crash,"

I realized I'd struck a nerve. It was just another revelation he'd kept locked in his psyche. I stopped and went back to continue setting the table.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I didn't know."

"It's OK. It's just that I associate drinking with getting whipped or beaten, as the case may be."

"Your dad beat you while he was drunk?"

"My mom, too. There never was much love at my house unless it was poured out of a bottle. One shrink I went to said the reason I'm always trying to get a man to pick me up is that I'm searching for a father image. The funny thing is...I never found one...not until last night when you held me." He looked at me straight in the eye.

Everything was clearer now. He wasn't looking for sex, he was actually looking for a father's love and attention. Was I looking for the son I'd never had? But sons and fathers don't kiss the way we had. I pondered these thoughts throughout the meal.

Dessert was over and it was time for me to suggest taking Tom back to the dorm. However, it was Nina who upset the applecart.

"Can you spend the night, Tom?" she asked.

I cringed.

Tom looked at me to reply then said, "No, thanks, Nina, I really should be getting back to the dorm being that tomorrow is my first day in school."

"So what? Jim and I will be going to school around seven-thirty in the morning. I don't see any reason why you can't stay and go when we do."

"I don't think Jim likes the idea." Tom replied.

"Oh,Jim, Schmim, he doesn't mind, do you, darling?" Nina said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Of course not," I said, hesitantly, "I'd love for Tom to stay."

"Are you sure?" Tom asked, sheepishly.

"Sure, I'm sure." I said.

"Why don't you boys go into the den and turn on that new show that comes on at nine, followed by 'The Practice', at ten? I'll put the dishes in the sink and then I'll join you."

The three of us began to stack the dirty dishes. Tom complimented Nina's cooking for the third time and came into the den and sat on the leather couch, next to my recliner.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?"

"No," I replied.

"I shouldn't spend the night, should I?"

"No."

"Then I won't!"

"You have to, now. Otherwise, Nina might suspect something."

"I promise to go to bed right after 'The Practice' and you won't see or hear from me until the morning. Is that all right?"

"That's fine...Just no more scenes or one-act plays between you and Nina. OK?"

"Gotcha, Coach!"

True to his word, at 10:59PM Tom excused himself and went straight to bed. When I was sure his door was shut, I went to the bar and poured Nina and me a snifter of brandy. When I handed hers to her, we clinked glasses in an unspoken toast and I sat beside her on the couch. I didn't need to hear the trauma on the eleven o'clock news, so I clicked off the TV set. Nina and I sat quietly as we so often did, late in the evening reliving our day and dreading a full schedule of classes tomorrow. I took her hand to hold and I sighed. All was quiet on the western front. Our 'son' had finally gone to bed, leaving the grownups time to unwind.

"He's in love with you, you know?"

"WHO?" I asked too strongly.

"Tom." she said, smiling gently at me. "Don't you see it?"

"No, I don't! What put that loony idea into your head?"

"Watching him and watching you, watching him."

"Throughout this day, I've felt like I was in 'The Twilight Zone' and you're just adding to the feeling." I said.

"You may not be in love with Tom, but you DO love him, whether you realize it or not."

"Nina, have you gone insane?"

"No, but I AM your wife and I know you better than you know yourself."

"Are you telling me that you suspect me being gay after seven years of marriage?"

"No, it never occurred to me that you were. I'm not saying that you are. Maybe you look at Tom and imagine him as a son. Maybe it's a fatherly love you feel for him, but you do feel it."

"This is preposterous! Where do you come up with these ideas?"

"Some nights, I wake up and find your bed empty and then I get thirsty and tiptoe down the stairs to the kitchen to get a glass of juice...and hear sounds of crying coming from the guestroom...I saw you, Jim. I saw you holding Tom in your arms. He was in the bed and you were sitting beside him, locked in an embrace."

"Nina, I can explain what you saw...and it's not what you think!"

"Jim, I'm not jealous...as a matter of fact, I was glad to see you holding Tom. I know you're not gay and I know that it was not a gay lovers' embrace. After all these years together, don't you know I'm aware of how much you've always wanted a son."

"Nina, I've never kept anything from you. I was going to tell you everything as soon as I figured it out for myself."

"Jim, it's simple. Tom's the son you've always wanted."

"That's not entirely true. There are other factors which you don't know about that have been eating my insides all day."

"Such as?"

"Nina, while I was holding him...well, I got a hard on!"

"Is that what's bothering you?"

"Yes. I'm so ashamed, embarrassed, puzzled, and scared...all at the same time."

"Was Tom aware you were aroused?"

"Not at first, but then he knew."

"You knew he was gay before you went to him, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"And that didn't stop you?"

"No. I felt I was completely in control of my emotions...but I wasn't!"

"Do you think he wanted to have sex with you?"

"He said he did."

"And how did you react to that?"

"I ran...then this morning when you went to the store...he kissed me."

"And how did that affect you?"

"I didn't want to, but I responded to him...and the thought of it's been driving me crazy all day!"

"Jim, I think you should go to him."

"What?"

"You should go to him and find out if your feelings are real. Are you attracted to him because you think of him as a son,,,or something else?"

"Nina, I couldn't do that. I've never been unfaithful to you even when a student tried for a whole semester to get me to go to bed with her."

"Jim, self-discovery is an exercise that exudes the boundary of infidelity. If you don't find out now, that's something that will always come between us and our marriage...I think you should go to him."

"Nina, I'm not gay. I wouldn't know what to do."

"I bet Tom has had enough experience to walk you through one exercise, at least."

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Dead serious."

"What if I did go to him? How would you feel about him or me in the morning?"

"Jim, sex has not been an active part of our marriage for years. I know you masturbate every time you shower. I haven't spied on you, but I HAVE seen you...An evening spent with a member of the same sex is really not being unfaithful, if you have the wife's blessing...and you have mine."

"I just can't believe you're saying all these things. You're saying words I never thought or hoped I would hear coming from your mouth."

"Jim, our marriage was founded on honesty and we've maintained that for seven years. Aren't you being dishonest with yourself, and to me, by not finding out what these feelings are that you have toward Tom? I would rather risk your knowing than living a life together of doubt."

"What should I do? Go into his bedroom, fling off my clothes, and attack him in his sleep?"

"No, you could be gentle and take your time as you did with me when we first married. I was afraid. I was a virgin and didn't know what to do, but somehow you taught me. Tom could teach you the same way."

"Oh my God, I need a drink!"

"No, you don't. If you go to him only slightly tipsy, you'll always blame it on alcohol. I want you fully sober and want you to know exactly what you're doing."

"This is madness! I'm NOT going to do it, no matter how much you OR I want me to do it."

"It's your choice. I'm going to bed and if you decide you want to go to him...then go. If you come to our bedroom and crawl into your own bed, then that'll be the other side of the coin toss. You decide, but I'm going to bed while you make your own decision by yourself...Good night."

Nina arose from the couch, kissed my cheek, gave me a wink, and went upstairs to bed. I suddenly felt like the man standing between the two doors, trying to choose between the lady and the tiger. I found it difficult to believe that my own wife was so eager for me to have my first homosexual experience. What if I liked it? Then what? Would Nina leave me? With her permissive attitude, would she invite Tom to come live with us so that I would have a sex toy nearby every time I got aroused? I suppose my pubescent education had floundered a bit. I'd never tried anything with another boy, outside of watching my best friend jack-off. Sometimes I'd wondered what homosexuals did behind closed bedroom doors, but the idea of inserting a penis in any of my orifices revolted me. I certainly couldn't put one in my mouth...and God knows, I didn't want to tear the lining of my rectum while some jock pushed his big fat organ in where it didn't belong. The idea seemed hopeless. I wasn't willing to try...but maybe I wouldn't have to be the passive partner, maybe Tom would do me and not expect reciprocation. I'd heard of some queers that just gave blow jobs...nothing more! I could tolerate oral sex performed on me, but the very idea of Tom, my sweet wonderful Tom, putting my penis in his mouth disturbed me.

I put all those thoughts behind me and I walked somberly toward the guestroom. I tapped lightly on his door.

"Tom?" I said in a verbal whisper. "Tom, are you awake?"

There was no reply from him. I placed my hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it. I'd turned off the hallway light so that the light wouldn't streak across Tom's room if I opened it. I eased the door open about three or four inches...just enough that I could see him lying in bed while the moonlight illuminated his room.

"Jim? Is that you?"

"Yes."

"What do you want?" he asked.

"I..uh..wanted to see if you're all right..."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good."

"Do you want anything else," he asked.

This was the moment of decision...Lady or Tiger!!!

"No, I was about to go to bed and just wanted to look in on you first."

"Thanks, but I'm OK. Thanks for checking on me. I'm sorry about making a pest and an ass out of myself tonight."

"No, no, you did the right thing."

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to know how much I love being here with you and Nina. This is like the first real home I've ever known."

"I'm glad you feel that way. Well, I'll see you in the morning." I said, starting to leave.

"Jim?"

"Yes?"

"Wanna kiss me good night?"

"Do you think I should? We almost got in trouble this morning with a kiss."

"Not a 'kiss' kiss, just a good night kiss...you know, the way you'd kiss your son or daughter at bedtime."

"Oh, all right...one quick one...but nothing more. Promise?"

"I promise."

I went into the bedroom and assumed the same position, sitting on the side of his bed, as I had the night before. The covers were down below his waist and I could see he was once again sleeping in the nude. I took my hand and pushed the bangs of his hair off his forehead and leaned down and gently brushed my lips against his.

"Thank you." he said quietly.

"No, thank you, little guy." I replied.

"Jim?"

"What?"

"Wanna see what you do to me?"

"No...Now don't start something...you promised."

"I just want you to see how you affect me."

"How?"

Without being able to counteract his swift movement, he grabbed my hand and placed it on his erect penis. I tried to pull my hand back but he held my hand firmly with both of his.

"See?"

"Yes, I see."

"Feel it, Jim. Touch it." he whispered. "Grab it. Hold it. Let me know that you know what I feel for you."

To satisfy him and my own curiosity. I did grab him. His penis was huge, hard, and throbbing...just like mine felt when I'd gone a week without masturbating myself in the shower. I wasn't repulsed. His cock felt no different in my hand than mine did at full staff. I could masturbate him and give him pleasure without making myself feel guilty by what I was doing. Slowly my hand began to jerk him up and down and he inhaled with a wheezing sound of delight. Suddenly I stopped.

"NO! This is wrong!" I all but shouted.

"It's right, Jim." Tom said. "Don't stop now or you'll never know whether it is or isn't! It's what you want or you wouldn't be here!"

"I want to be here, Tom, but I don't want this!"

"Would you at least take me in your arms?" Tom said, almost pleading.

"Tom, what are you doing to me? You're like some wizard who's cast a spell on me. Every time I get alone with you something happens."

"Only because you want it to happen. Now, will you take me in your arms?"

I had the urge to flee, yet some force of curiosity had more power over me than my natural instincts.

Tom threw the covers back revealing his moonlit naked body.

"Here, lie down next to me. It'll be all right."

I reached to my feet and removed my shoes and reluctantly obeyed by lying beside him. Once again I found myself face to face with him. The urge to kiss him that I had felt earlier in the morning was back, stronger than before. I didn't wait for him to make the first move. I took the incentive and kissed him forcefully. This time I pried his lips open with my tongue. I yearned for the taste in his mouth. Tom's arms went around my back and began to tug my shirt tail from my trousers. He pulled the back of my shirt free and his hands returned to my chest and one by one he unbuttoned the shirt all the way down. I helped him remove my shirt while he was pulling at my belt buckle. I knew that he wanted me to join his nudity so rather than prolong the ordeal of stripping, I stood up and took all my clothes off.

"My God, you have a beautiful body!" Tom said. "You must work out to keep in shape. Your muscles are tauter than mine."

I didn't respond verbally to his compliment, instead I lay down beside him once again and this time our nude bodies were touching chest to toes. His huge erection rested next to mine as I resumed kissing him. It was a strange feeling to have a male organ pumping into my midsection, but I found it excitingly stimulating. I rolled him on his back and topped him with my body. I wasn't sure what to do next after kissing, but I was willing to accept his lead. He took his hands and pushed against my chest for me to assume a sitting position, straddling his hips. Next he grabbed our penises together with his right hand and pumped them, while his left hand cupped my scrotum.

"There! That's not so bad, is it?" he asked.

"No, I suppose not!" I replied.

"Just relax. Everything's gonna be all right," he assured me.

"Maybe, if I don't die from a heart attack first." I remarked.

He jerked our cocks together until he was sure I'd reached the maximum erection.

Outside, a rainstorm was brewing. The lightning and thunder preceded the rain. With the first flash of light, I got a more in depth view of our nakedness. Then the thunder boomed and I bolted back. I didn't believe in God, but I felt that this was some kind of omen that confirmed my first opinion that what we were doing was wrong. I jumped out of bed and grabbed my underwear and quickly started dressing.

"JIM! What's going on?" Tom shouted.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I can't do this!! Why don't you masturbate and get yourself off. I'm going to my room and I'll see you at breakfast in the morning!"

"But I thought you were enjoying it..." he replied.

"Maybe I was enjoying it too much. I just can't do it! I'm sorry, Tom, really sorry," I said as I grabbed my piled clothes in my arms and exited the guestroom. I hoped I hadn't upset him too much, but I was the one who was upset. I wanted to shower and get clean all over as I tiptoed into the bathroom, hoping that Nina wouldn't see me in my shorts after a fast exit from downstairs. I turned the hot tap on as far as it would twist and let the water hammer the back of my taut neck. I had to relax and compose myself. I reached down to grab my penis for my usual relaxation exercise and as soon as I held myself in my right hand, I could still feel where his hand had been. As I touched myself, I remembered touching him. The harder I masturbated, the more I thought about Tom. The more I thought about Tom, the more I wanted him. I was having my first gay fantasy. I wanted a boy I could have had only ten minutes ago. God! Was I stupid or was I losing my mind? I pretended it was his hand on my penis and it was his penis in my hand as I reached a hard and quick climax.

I finished my shower, toweled off, and went to my dresser for clean underwear. I sat down on my twin bed and reached in the drawer of the bedside table for a cigarette. I kept a pack handy when I felt the urge. My cigarette habit totalled less than one pack per month. It felt good knowing there was a cigarette nearby if and when I wanted one. This was one of those times. My thoughts kept returning to Tom, downstairs...wondering what he must be thinking. Wondering if he was experiencing rejection, hurt, puzzlement, or anger toward me. A deep feeling of guilt consumed my entire body. I was a man...Tom's coach...his teacher. I should go to him and try to explain or make some kind of verbal restitution in our father-son, "make believe" relationship. I stamped out the cigarette after only two puffs.

I reached for my navy blue robe draped on the chair by my bed and donned it. Once more I made my way down the stairs to the guestroom. I entered without knocking and as I expected, I heard Tom muffling the sound of his crying. Now I really did feel guilty. I had hurt the kid and I shouldn't have put myself in the position to hurt him. I walked over to his bed. He was lying on his stomach and I reached down to touch his shoulder.

"Tom?" I said, quietly.

No answer.

"Tom?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry...really."

He didn't respond to my apology.

"Tom, I want to tell you something."

Still no reply.

"Tom, I was in the shower just now...and I...uh...realized that I left you too soon."

He turned his head to the right to face me.

"What do you mean?" he asked, through his tears.

"Invite me into your bed and I'll show you."

"What?" he said, sounding puzzled.

"Open up your covers." I said to him.

He wasn't sure what I was going to do next. Neither was I. But he rolled on his side and held the blanket and sheet, again revealing his body to me.

Without a moment's hesitation, I threw off my robe and yanked down my shorts, leaving them in a pile and I lay down beside him...our naked bodies touching from chest to toe. Once again we were face to face as we had been earlier in the morning. The lightning crashed again and I saw the surprised look on his face. I wanted to speak before the thunder had a chance to drown out my words.

"Take me, Tom. Make love to me. I'm yours." I said, just before the thunder broke.

Our lips met as he gently placed his arm around my back and pulled me closer into his body. The rain started peppering against the window as we began to make love.

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(to be continued in Chapter Three)