Ascension

Ascension Chapter 6

I rarely begin with a WARNING. This chapter is harsh. It is rough. I might even expect some hate mail.

In Chapter 4 of Hi, I'm Lance, Jakob mentions his sister seeing him at his worst. This is that chapter.

I'm sorry.

22

"After seeing each other for a few months, Graham and Kenneth became serious. They wanted to move in together."

"That would make a room for you, right?"

"One would think, but no. I was still deep in bills. I didn't have to buy Victor just one lamp, it was two because they needed to match. Car maintenance. And I'm ashamed to say, with the heavier drinking, I put on about 20 pounds. I had to buy new clothes. Squeezing into the old ones was tough."

"It is a lot of calories."

"And a waste of time. I did feel a loss with Graham finding his match. I was happy for him, but it did depress me on some level. I would miss that morning kiss. I had saved almost enough for a bed, but then insurance reared its head."

"How old were you?"

"Almost 22. About a month before my birthday, Victor's sister found a rental house. She wanted Victor to move in. As dumb as Victor could be, he still had a good heart. He talked everyone into letting me be the house cleaning lady. You know what I mean. We moved into a three-bedroom house. Beth, his sister had one room, Victor had one, and one of the bartenders at our restaurant took the other. He was gay."

"And you?"

"The house at least had an office kind of room. We only had a desk in there with a computer, so my chest of drawers fit, and the futon stood on its side. At least I was out of the living room. It was almost a space of my own."

"It sounds better at least."

"Sounds. It wasn't. We just drank all the time. I got depressed about my weight, the constant lack of money, and I would think about Graham too. I missed him."

"Everyone was a heavy drinker then?"

"We were all in our 20s. But I made a mistake one night. After a few drinks, I mentioned how Timothy used sex favors as payments a couple times. They took that and distorted it. The bartender wanted to fuck me when drunk at the house. He offered to put gas in my car if he could. Little stuff like that. I felt horrible about myself, but my judgement was so affected by alcohol ... it was just not good."

I stared out the window a second. I knew what happened next. My eyes watered.

"Jakob? Is everything okay?"

I walked to get a tissue. I blew my nose. I grabbed another to hold in my hand.

"The week after my birthday, there was an arts festival. I liked that kind of stuff. Saturdays were good days at the restaurant, but I requested it off so I could go. Beth and her boyfriend joined me. Victor's boyfriend, who he met at a nightclub, came with me too. Victor had the night shift, so he didn't join us when we went to the art fair. We started drinking the moment we arrived. I loved looking at all the stuff people made. I could imagine it in my huge house. I looked at the colors, the textures, the shapes and lines. I started pairing things in my mind, like I would see in those magazines from my youth. I enjoyed it. But we were smashed pretty quickly. I thought I was having fun, but ..."

"Did something happen?"

"Yeah."

"Oooo, frozen margaritas, let's get one," I said.

Because the stand had different flavors of margaritas, the four of us each tried a different one and shared them.

I dawdled at several booths. I loved examining the feel of the ceramics, the translucence of the glass, the fibers of the woven wall hangings. I loved this stuff. Beth's boyfriend teased me for being "so gay." I didn't care; I was into it.

We grabbed beers.

There was an artist who had a potter's wheel. We all watched as he continued his work in clay. Many people gathered to watch him work, enjoying the demonstration.

I could afford nothing, but it made no difference, I liked looking. That's all I wanted to do.

We grabbed a hot dog and another beer.

Eddie, Victor's boyfriend, was in full flamboyant mode. He couldn't have been more obviously gay if he had a pink feather boa around his neck. We were silly together. For the moment, I was having a good time. I laughed. I didn't laugh much anymore. It felt good. I had a major buzz going by the late afternoon. Most of us did, but Beth's boyfriend stopped drinking after 2 so that he could drive us home.

One booth had kinetic sculptures. In my slightly inebriated state, I was transfixed with them. I could have watched them for hours.

I got one last drink. I knew I didn't need it, but I was having fun. I knew I didn't have to drive. Why not?

Just as I was about to finish that beverage, I caught my foot on a curb. I stumbled and flung the rest of my drink across the sidewalk. My friends laughed hysterically.

"Way to go, girl!" Eddie yelled at me.

"Oh shut the fuck up," I yelled back.

As I stood, I was struck by the sharpest pain I had ever felt. Standing in front of me was Teresa. I hadn't seen my sister in over four years. Our eyes locked. She was so much taller, but I immediately knew it was her.

Teresa's expression was a knife in my heart. It was shock and horror and pity and repulsion.

"Teresa ..." I barely mumbled.

I realized she saw me drunk. With a flamboyant gay. I had gained 25 pounds since she saw me last. I'm sure I looked like hell.

"Jakob," she whispered.

My life ended. Every wall in the world crushed over my shoulders. I was everything my father probably told her I was. I was a worthless human being. I hated myself. I hated the world. I wanted to die. Her shocked expression was branded on my brain. I wanted to hold her, hug her. I wanted to tell her I missed her, I loved her.

She ran from me.

I stood frozen. She would tell my family that I was a waste of a human being.

"Take me home," I told my group.

"Jakob, what ...?"

"Take me home!"

"It was horrible. I got drunk with my friends at this art festival. I fell and threw my drink across the sidewalk. They mocked me. When I got up, my sister was standing in front of me. She hadn't seen me in years. I was a mess. Drunk. Fat. Gay. I'm sure I lived up to every seedy description my father had told her. I hated myself. I was so ashamed. We should have hugged and caught up and told each other we loved one another."

I cried. I cried in front of Trevor. All the shame hit me again.

"Jakob, it's okay," he said to me.

"No. It isn't okay. It wasn't then. It was like every bad decision I had made was just oozing out of every pore. I was a horrible person. At that moment, I didn't want to go on. I had no interest if I lived or died. It didn't get any better when I got home. I felt like I needed to be punished. I just let my friends sexually abuse me. No. I demanded they did."

My friends didn't understand. I cried all the way home. I muttered "I wish I could die" under my breath. My behavior was so extreme, I knew everyone in the car was concerned. I'm sure they were terrified.

We got into the house, and I ran to the office. I threw the mattress on the floor and just collapsed. My body was lifeless. The others came in. They asked what they could do.

"Nothing," I whimpered.

"Surely there must be something we can do," Beth's boyfriend, Carl, softly asked. "Can we get you anything? Do you want to talk?"

"No," I cried. "I don't deserve anything. I'm a terrible person. I should just stop living."

"Jakob ...," Beth said caringly.

I had an overwhelming sense to be punished. I felt like the lowest of humanity. Scum would have been a step up. I hated myself. I needed my father to stand over me and verbally rebuke me. I was the horrible person he knew I would become.

I rolled over and looked at Eddie. "Fuck me!"

Eddie was startled. He didn't understand.

"Jakob, wha —?"

"Fuck me!!!" I insisted.

They all looked at each other. Beth shrugged. Except for Carl, we all were quite wasted. Eddie got his lube and came back to the room. I ripped off my clothes. I felt ashamed. I wanted to feel shame. Beth and Carl started to leave.

"No!! I want you to watch. I need you to watch. You have to watch!!"

The two held each other. They were scared and uncomfortable. They seemed terrified to not do what I said. They didn't know I might do. I was in a horrible state.

Eddie unzipped his pants. He wasn't hard.

"Stick it in my mouth. I'll get it hard," I growled through tears.

He spread his legs and straddled my naked body. The others could see my small dick sticking out behind him. I felt exposed. It was what I deserved.

Sucking on Eddie, I got him hard in less than two minutes. The alcohol probably helped.

"Now you can fuck me." I rolled over.

After lubing his cock, he placed it at my ass. I felt it slowly enter. I was in no mood for lovemaking. It wasn't love. It was the just punishment for my crime. A moment later he shoved it in me. Pain ran up and down my body. There was zero pleasure. I accepted it for being what I deserved.

Eddie fucked me without emotion. He tried to feel the pleasure in his anatomy just to get me through the moment. Five minutes went by. He just breathed. I cried. So did Beth. She was scared. Eddie's breathing and eventual groan let us all know he was coming inside me in those final thrusts.

After capturing his breath, Eddie rolled off me and zipped up his pants.

I turned and lifted my head and looked at Carl. "Now you!"

Beth and Carl were stunned.

"Jakob, Carl is my boyfriend."

"We've all seen him when us fags talk about having sex. He's curious."

Carl was a ghost. Beth was in shock at my talk and behavior.

"Aren't you curious, Carl? After watching Eddie fuck me, I bet you're hard as a rock. Aren't you?"

Carl didn't know what to say. He looked as if he was in front of a firing squad. "Yeah," he muttered.

"Take it out," I demanded.

"Jakob!" Beth reprimanded.

"TAKE IT OUT!!!" I yelled.

Carl unzipped his pants and pulled out a hard seven inches. It was thick. It would hurt.

"Carl ...?!" Beth said in repulsed confusion. She ran from the room.

"Fuck me. See what it feels like. You've been curious. Fuck me!!!!" I insisted.

I buried my face in the futon. I could hear the lube bottle pop open. Seconds later, I felt the head of his cock push its way in. It hurt. Carl was used to women. He didn't wait. He shoved his cock all the way in.

I was being severed. It was agony. I deserved it.

He soon fucked my ass hard. I could only imagine the thoughts in his head. The comparisons of a man's offerings to that of women, the thought of same-sex intercourse, the realization of the pitiful excuse of a man beneath him. He had to hate it. He just complied. I forced him into this. That just made my pain all the more justified.

Carl groaned in his fucking. If he was going through with this, he wasn't going to hide it.

I heard the front door slam as Carl called out in his orgasm. He shoved my butt with such force as he drilled his cum inside my hole.

Beth and Victor's voices escalated in the living room.

I couldn't believe when Carl was done, he kissed the back of my neck. Was it a thank you, sympathy, pity, empathy???

Victor and Tony burst into the room. They saw me laying naked on the floor and Carl standing, zipping up his pants, his big dick being put away. Carl darted out of the room, probably to go wash off his dick and ponder what he had done.

"Jakob! WHAT. THE. HELL?" Victor screamed out. "What's going on?"

Like a man possessed my face twisted in almost demonic glare. "What are you even doing home?"

"There was a fire in the building next door. We had to all evacuate. We were sent home."

"Is everyone okay," I whimpered.

"Yeah. They just had to clear the area. What happened to you?"

"I'm a piece of a shit. I'm just shit."

"Jakob, no..."

I looked at the two of them. Tony had fucked me many more times than Victor when we had been drinking. I glared at him.

"I need you to fuck me."

"What? I don't understand ..." Tony questioned.

"I need you to FUCK me!! Fuck me!! Here!! NOW!!!"

Like deer in headlights, the two were in shock. The others stood in the background.

"Okay. Okay," Tony said as softly as possible to try to calm me down.

I demanded the others watch as Tony rammed his cock into my ass. Not that they hadn't seen us all fool around before when drunk, but I insisted on an audience.

It took Tony a minute or two to get hard, but he reamed my ass for several minutes. Even with Eddie's lube, it hurt. Every moment of pain was accepted. I suffered through it knowing I deserved to be punished in the gayest way possible. It didn't feel good even for a second.

"I'm coming, Jakob," Tony lightly groaned minutes later.

He exhaled following his climax. He pulled off me, and I turned to Victor.

"You. You're next."

"Jakob, what is this??" Victor asked.

"Just do it. DO IT!!"

Victor complied with my demands. I could hear Beth still sniffling and crying. Everyone was incredibly concerned. They knew this wasn't a drunken stupor. While I still was inebriated enough to not sensibly drive, they knew something was wrong with me. They believed I might do something serious if I was left alone.

This time I actually screamed when Victor penetrated my hole. It felt like a cactus rammed into my ass.

"Yikes. Jakob, do you want me to stop?" Victor said, almost scared.

"No. You must fuck me."

He did, but it was not enjoyable for him. He knew I was hurting.

My face was twisted into a tight grimace as my ass went through hell.

"Holy fuck," Victor said.

They all saw it; I couldn't. There was blood on Victor's erection.

"Jakob," Victor softly said. "Oh my gosh. You're bleeding. This has to stop."

I sobbed so loudly into the futon that I was almost surprised they didn't call an ambulance.

"Jakob. Let's get you to the shower."

I slowly got up. My body felt pummeled. I stumbled to the bathroom. Eddie supported me. Victor ran ahead and started the water, getting it to a comfortable temperature. Once they helped me in, they left me on my own to clean up. I stood and cried in the shower for minutes on end. The water didn't make anything feel better. I could see blood in the soap suds running toward the drain. I cried harder. If my life had ended right there, I would have been fine. While my body was still wrecked, the shower at least cleared my head even if slightly.

I came out, wrapped in a towel. Everyone was on the edge of their seat in the living room. I think I had cried all the tears I could. I felt a modicum better. I sat down with them and explained what I was feeling. For that moment, I felt their sympathy and asked for their forgiveness.

I turned in early. Victor lay next to me on the futon mattress and held me until I fell asleep.

"Abuse you?" Trevor asked.

"It was horrible. I was horrible. My world fell apart."

I started sobbing. My hand clutched the tissue in my hand. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. I needed a fresh tissue. I got up and grabbed a couple more from across the room.

"I'm sorry," I sniffled. "This is all really hard to think about."

"I am so sorry that you are feeling what you are right now. I apologize for making your recall a painful time."

"That was my life. The worst day of my life. I felt less than a person. Not worthy of living. I demanded my friends ... sexually abuse me. It was the appropriate punishment in my mind. I knew my father thought the worst of me. At that moment, I felt I deserved it."

"Punishment for ...?"

"Everything." I sniffed. "It was like I could only see myself through my father's eyes. I was a waste of a human being. The look on my sister's face ... it horrified me. I had horrified her. I couldn't imagine what she thought of me. My family was certain to find out I had ruined my life and become this raging gay drunk."

I gasped for air.

"That had to be brutally hard," Trevor said.

"It was. It still affects me to this day. Thankfully, Teresa sees me for who I am now. I wish I could remove that image of me she saw that day. It haunts me."

"You two are good right now, though, correct?"

"Absolutely. I owe that to Lance."

I thought of Teresa. For the past few years we had been in a good place. I wondered if she ever thought of that day at the art fair. Was it always in the back of her mind? No. We were good. We talked regularly. We told each other we loved each other. We were fine. I took a few breaths to calm myself. I blew my nose one last time and tossed tissues in the trash can. Just in case, I tucked a fresh tissue in my pocket.

Trevor let me breathe for a while. If one thing could calm me, it was Lance. I thought of him. His love for me. Lance saved me. He gave me my family back. That's what I needed to remember.

"You said that was the worst day of your life. Did it get better then? After that?"

* * * *

This chapter is horrible, but a piece of the entire picture to Jakob's story. I have a blog post:

"The Hardest Chapter I've Ever Written."

timothylane414stories.blogspot.com