Ascension

Ascension Chapter 7

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25

"Was life better?" I stopped to think about Trevor's question. Following the incident with Teresa, I was at rock bottom. "Maybe. Not much. For the next few years I tried to be better. I drank less. I still drank practically every day, but ... less. I didn't get drunk as much. It sounds stupid, but I switched to light beer thinking that was going to make a huge difference. I lost a whopping three pounds in a year."

"Were you ever able to get a room of your own?" Trevor asked.

"Nope. I tried and tried. It just never happened. Money never seemed to work out for me. I realized I needed a phone. I bought an old used one. The car would need work. It had been paid off for two years, but it started running into problems or needed new tires or I would do something stupid."

"Stupid?" Trevor said, looking up from his pad.

"I didn't get drunk as often, but one night I left the restaurant. I was smashed having sat at the bar with a couple of others. I should not have been behind the wheel. I ran over a couple of curb islands in a parking lot. It scraped up the bottom of my car pretty bad. That was a big chunk of change to get repairs. Thank heavens no one was hurt. It was just me and my stupidity."

"Did you make new friends?"

"No. I kind of lost those that I would have considered friends at the time."

"How?"

"The living situation was a revolving door. Tony moved out. Jackson took his place. Beth and Carl eventually got more serious, and she moved in with him, letting Victor take over the lease. He had at least four boyfriends in the following years. Gunner took over Beth's bedroom. He was a jerk. He made my life miserable on several occasions."

"What did he do?"

"He totally capitalized on the `cleaning' situation. He belittled me. Made me clean more than my share. He said I was lucky to have the cheap arrangement in the house and should just do as I was told."

"Those were his words?"

"Maybe not exactly, but that was the meaning."

I paused a moment. There was more. I hesitated to say anything further. Trevor probably already thought the worst of me. How much could I lay on before he would think I was a total waste of time? I hated these parts of my past.

"Jakob?" he asked.

"Sorry. Lost in thought."

"I'm here. I'm listening."

"Listening. Hm." I chuckled. "For so long I felt no one listened to me. Alice, the manager at the restaurant got transferred. We got Ruben. Nice enough, but not friendly. I also wouldn't call him homophobic, but he definitely didn't like gays as much as he did straight people. Several of us picked up on it. I was 25 when he got assigned to the restaurant. I don't think he liked me. He never spelled my name right on the dining room chart. Two months into it we clashed. I was sitting at the bar following my shift. The dining room closed at 10. The bar stayed open until midnight. Tony still worked there. He was nice to me. I had a few drinks. Another guy at the bar had at least that many. He started yelling at the TV."

"Good grief. Everywhere you turn, fags are taking over everything," the drunk patron said.

Tony and I looked both puzzled and offended.

The gentleman looked down from the television and started talking to Tony behind the bar.

"Every show you turn on, it seems like there has to be a gay character. The networks feel the pressure to shove the gay agenda down our throats."

"Um. I imagine they feel that showing diversity is the right thing. Showing progress." Tony didn't know anything further to say.

Five minutes later, the news came on.

"Look at that news reporter. He's clearly a fag. You know that's the only reason he got that job."

"Why?" I interjected.

"Why else would they hire him? He clearly screws men."

"He seems to be doing his job. Much like everybody else. Perhaps his resume looked good," I said.

"Nope. It's the gay agenda. They push their way into everything: TV, sports, government. They just want to flaunt their lifestyle. Make people think they are just normal folks."

I could tell Tony was seething, but he was on duty.

"Gay people are just regular people," I debated. "They are just like everybody else."

"Fuck that! They're freaks."

"I'm sorry, but that's not correct."

"Jakob," Tony warned.

"And just how would you know, asshole? Don't tell me you're one!"

"As a matter of fact, I am. Is that a problem?"

"How did you get in here? Did you think this is a gay bar or something? Why are you in this place?"

The volume of the argument started to raise, and Ruben came out. Tony walked over to him to explain this customer was belligerent. And drunk.

"I happen to work here," I calmly said.

"Do they know you're a queer?"

"They do."

"Excuse me. Is anything wrong here?" Ruben asked stepping in.

"Yeah. This faggot is bothering me."

"I'm just standing up for people who work here."

"Is that what this place is?! A fag sanctuary?"

"Let's all just calm down," said Ruben.

"I'm calm. It's this asshole who wants to give me a problem," the drunk said.

"Can I offer you something to eat there to go with your drink, sir?" Ruben offered.

Deep down, I knew he thought some food in him would help and perhaps distract him. In the moment, it almost seemed like a reward. I sure didn't feel supported though. Ruben should have asked the guy to cash out.

"Nah! I'm good. I'm fine with my drink. Just get this fag away from me."

"Jakob, perhaps you should go," Ruben said to me.

"Seriously? You're taking his side?"

"It might be best for now."

"He's a total prick!" I said in my slightly inebriated state. "He should be tossed out of here."

"We serve all our customers with respect," Ruben said.

"Even though they treat our staff like shit!? Seriously?"

"Jakob," both Ruben and Tony warned.

"You don't have the backbone to stand up to this jerk, do you? If it were one of the girls, you'd tell him to go. But because I'm gay, you want me to leave."

"Last chance, Jakob," Ruben said.

"Yeah, fairy! You're the one who should go."

"Fuck you."

"You'd like that, wouldn't ya!?" the man retaliated.

I looked to Ruben to send the guy away. He glared at me like I needed to go, to make the situation go away. I felt insulted.

"Is this what you think of the staff, Ruben? Or only the gay ones? You've never respected me. Why don't the two of you go out later and bash gays together. You're an ass."

I had way crossed a line. I hadn't been thinking clearly because I was fairly intoxicated. My state of mind was so clouded with alcohol that I made one poor decision after another.

"You're off the schedule, Jakob. You can pick up your last check next Friday."

"I had too many drinks. His conversation put down gay people. I simply stood up for myself but did so very poorly. I was mad that the new manager didn't stand up for the staff. I said bad things to him. I lost my job. I have to say it was my fault. Alcohol played a big part of the consequence."

"Is that why you felt you lost friends?"

"Yeah. Alice would have stood up for me. Ruben didn't. However, being out of a job just set me back — again — financially. I saw money just bleed for a couple of weeks. I simply took a job bagging groceries. It was only a block away, so I could walk. I knew any car problems would be too much for me to handle. When they made my nametag, they misspelled it. I had to tell them it's with a K. You'd be surprised how many times I've had to do that in my life. So anyway, I lost all my drinking buddies and made less money. At least I didn't go out drinking after work. That saved a few calories and a little money in that regard. I was just lonely. I thought if I gave up drinking completely, I could save up again. I wanted to."

"How long did you make it?"

"I didn't. I couldn't go a day. At the grocery store, I always picked up beer to bring home. I don't think I went a whole day without one. It was usually three. I didn't get drunk much, but I always had a drink. I didn't realize at that time that I was probably an alcoholic. I was probably afraid to let myself even question it."

"This sounds like a very difficult time," Trevor said.

"Indeed. I only had the people at home."

I couldn't stand to look at Gunner. He had his hair pulled into a top knot. I hated those. I thought he looked stupid. He thought it gave him a thug look, tough. I just wanted to snip it off. Gunner had a lot of leather things, sex toys, porn mags in his room. I saw it all when I cleaned. I was slightly curious. I liked how I arranged it when I cleaned. It was almost like a store display. He never appreciated my work.

Like Victor, Gunner could be a mean drunk. He had a really thick cock. Not long, but thick. He loved to show it to me when he had been drinking. I was his toy when he felt like it. That wasn't part of the rooming arrangement, but I didn't want to rock the boat. I had nowhere to go. One night he demanded a blow job from me. I didn't care for it — or him. He thought by buying me some bathroom toiletries he was more than making it up to me. He told me to be on my way after he was done.

"Move along, sheep!"

Jackson had heard it all from his room. It would have been Graham's room, but Graham and Kenneth had decided to move in together those years back when it was decided to get the rental house.

He heard me leave Gunner's room and called me into his.

Jackson was 180 degrees from Gunner. He reminded me of a Black Graham. Beautiful skin, nice build and I loved how his beard was so neatly and closely trimmed. He was handsome.

"Gunner can be a jerk," Jackson told me. "Just tell him `no' when he asks for that shit."

"What if he asks me to move out if I resist?"

"We'll stand up for you. Victor wouldn't let that happen."

"Maybe. I'm trying to save again. I'd love to have that room one day."

"I'd like that," Jackson said with a smile.

"Thanks. By the way, the haircut looks great. You look fantastic."

He gave me a wink. We lay on the bed and watched some television together.

"Jakob, did you know anyone nice during those years?"

"Uhh. Sure. I suppose. Graham was the best, but he moved out. Jackson was pretty nice."

"Tell me more."

"Jackson was a bright spot to those years. He was a beautiful Black man. It's ironic. He was in what would have been Graham's room. He was everything Graham was looking for. I assumed Graham and Kenneth were still together. I had lost touch. Jackson and I didn't do a lot together. He had his own circle of friends. He wasn't dating. A bad breakup led him to our house. He knew Victor's latest boyfriend. He had a very soft side when we did share time together."

"Tell me something good about that time."

"Huh! That's not going to be easy." I paused. "Actually, Jackson said really nice things to me about how the rental house looked. When I cleaned his room, he always complimented me. I always thought I was good at making things look better. Jackson was really nice about confirming it. When he told me things looked nice, I probably lit up like a Christmas tree."

"Did everyone in the house get along?"

"Kind of. Once Victor started having boyfriends stay over, the loud nights stopped. That was good. Two of them all but lived with us. It was a houseful of gay men, but we rarely did things together. We weren't in each other's circles. There were two drunk parties where we all did stuff together — drink to the point of sex, I mean. In time, sex always meant drinking."

Jackson's cum looked super white against his black skin. He had shot his load all over his chest. I kept stroking his cock to make sure the final bit of cum had escaped. I held our two dicks together. I rubbed them. I loved feeling his stiff hard flesh against my cock. His dick was two inches longer than mine. He had the perfect body. I couldn't believe I was enjoying it.

Jackson hummed in approval as I continued to stimulate his penis. I wiped my hand through his cum and slid it around both our dicks.

"Oh man," he said.

It took only a minute for me to stroke us to where my cock exploded on him. The distinction between my cum and his was evident. His was so white. He was now covered with male liquid from both of us. In that moment, I was happy. I forgot my problems. I was connected. I cared for Jackson, but I didn't love him. Love never entered the picture in regard to sex; it was physical. Memories of Anson (and even Graham) had evaporated. Sex was sex. Physical gratification, nothing more. Nor did I expect anything different.

"I'll get a towel," I said.

After wiping up Jackson's chest, I lay next to him again. My skin touched his. We lay still and quiet.

"Jackson, why did you ask me to do this?" I eventually inquired.

"Gunner. He's a dick. He treats you like shit. You're not shit. You're a nice man, Jakob. I wanted you to know that."

"Wow. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in months."

"Which is a shame. I felt some intimate time tonight might make you feel better. I hope I was right."

"You were. Thank you." My face darted down to his to give him a simple kiss. "I guess I should get out of here and let you sleep."

"Actually. You feel good next to me right now. Want to stay with me tonight?"

I did. I loved how his bed felt. The fact that a beautiful man was in it was even better. The fact that we were both naked was better yet.

"Jakob? Do you feel I pressured you into this?"

Jackson's expression suddenly looked serious.

"Huh?"

"I know ..." He paused. "I know Gunner expects the sexual favors. I didn't ... I hope I ... I didn't mean to ..."

"You're fine, Jackson. I didn't feel pressure. I thought you were being nice."

"I was trying."

"I enjoyed it. Please don't feel bad about being with me. I felt like you cared."

"I do. You deserve to be happy, just like all of us."

"Thanks," I said blankly. I stared at the ceiling as Jackson turned out the light. Happy. I couldn't say I felt happy in a long time. Some days were better than others, but ... I had forgotten what happiness really felt like. I always remembered what my dad thought of me. I felt I had taken on that role. He would think I was a total degenerate. Considering my drinking and sexual habits ... a little cussing ... he'd be appalled. I guessed my life was exactly what he said it would be.

"Is it okay if I hold you?" I asked.

"Um hm." We rolled on our sides, and I put thoughts of my father out of my mind. I held Jackson tighter and soon drifted off into bliss.

"By New Year's Eve, I knew I had a serious problem. Jackson treated me nicely. It wasn't in the cards for us to start dating, but he was kind. Occasionally we had sex, but not too much. I guess when he felt sorry for me." I sighed realizing that. "Jackson moved back home before Thanksgiving. We got Kody in his place. He was a friend of Gunner's and every bit as unlikeable. I hated my life. I lost a pound here or there, but none of the three roommates made me feel good about myself. Victor stayed with me the whole time, but again ... he could be a mean drunk. I tried hard to not drink. It had cost me my job, so much money down the drain and I just felt lousy. Tried as I did, I couldn't do it. I was an alcoholic, and I knew it."

"Did anything happen on New Year's Eve?"

"Ah. Yeah. We started drinking pretty early. Before 9. And ... knowing us ... drinking and sex go hand in hand. But it wasn't like a foursome with my roommates. I tried to make it that way, but it was more of a gang bang. It wasn't as severe as the night when I was 22 and demanded they abuse me. I participated a little, but they all had their way with me."

Kody stuck his hard-on in my mouth. I couldn't make much of a sound but everyone else did. The guys were laughing and grunting. Gunner had stuffed my hole for several minutes. He had a leather dog collar around my neck. It was on a leash. I tried to tell myself it was cool. Hot. I didn't really like it. Gunner was the first to come. He grabbed my hips and shook them violently as he unloaded into my interior. I didn't like Gunner's dick. It always hurt, but over time I had gotten a little bit used to it.

"I bet you feel lucky to have such a thick cut of meat inside your ass, boy," Gunner said after coming. "You know you have it good with me."

Kody pulled from my mouth and spurted cum all over my face. I felt Victor enter my hole as Kody grunted through his orgasm.

"My turn. Suck me, Kody," I requested.

"I'm good, dude."

Even though I was the bottom, I was still hard. I wanted someone to pull my cock. I eventually did it myself. Victor and I moaned together. He came first. I felt his pole thrust into me like a jackhammer. He screamed in his orgasm. I knew the neighbors could have heard had they been outside.

Victor pulled out. I rolled onto my back and continued stroking my dick.

"Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I'm going to come," I announced.

The others were getting dressed.

"Yeah! Fuck yeah!"

Victor pulled his shirt over his head. "That's it, man."

I lay naked on Gunner's bed. I had my cum all over me.

"Later, man. We're heading out. Be sure to clean up the room," Gunner said as the three of them went out to party for the holiday.

"I felt used. Sex was pretty meaningless to me in those days. But that night, yeah. I felt like nothing. I thought we were having a good time and then we'd all go out. I just lay there naked after they had all finished. They left me to clean up. I wasn't invited."

"Harsh."

"It sure felt that way. It was a feeling of having no friends. I did feel so alone. Back in our restaurant days, we'd all be working late. But all of us had moved on, even Victor. He finally pursued a job he went to college for."

"I'm sorry you had to feel that way," Trevor said thoughtfully.

My eyes met Trevor's. He had a kindness to him. His voice was understanding. I momentarily paused, realizing how open I had been with him. I was surprised how comfortable I was sharing all these horrible memories with him. Maybe it was just nice for someone to listen. It felt good to let some of these memories go. I had them so bottled up. I hadn't shared a lot of this even with Lance.

"That night was a tough one. I liked holidays — or did when I grew up. I felt very alone. It only made sense to drink some more. That's what we did after sex. Plus I was pissed and sad and disappointed. I drank too much. By 11 o'clock, I ran to the kitchen and threw up. Most of it landed in the sink, but some went down the cabinet front. Sorry, that's gross. I know. Sorry. Despite my state, I cleaned the kitchen up. To be honest, it looked fantastic. Really shiny."

"Impressive."

"Yeah. Then I went to bed at 11:45. I cried myself to sleep. I just felt alone and friendless."

Without realizing it as I said it to Trevor ... I knew that was my last lonely friendless New Year's Eve.

"I'm really impressed you pulled out of this lifestyle."

"Not easily. I was in a zombie state for months. No friends, dead-end job, financially struggling ... but above it all, I just wanted to make it to the next day. Survival instincts. I kind of cruised on auto-pilot for a bit."

Trevor scribbled some notes.

"I made some resolutions that night," I reflected. "It was a new year. I was determined to have a room and bed of my own. And ... believe it or not, I did."

I thought about what I had said. Auto-pilot. I recalled those weeks that came next. I just wanted to make it through the next day. Like a train in a dark subway, seeing a hint of light in the far distance let you just attempt to work toward that. Trevor didn't notice, but a slight smile slipped onto my face. My memories knew what was at the end of the tunnel.

* * * *

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