Ascension

Ascension: Jakob's Ladder Chapter 1

For readers new to my writings, Jakob is a character introduced and developed in my third book, Hi, I'm Lance. After writing it, I felt he needed his own book to hear his full story. Readers of the previous work know bits and pieces and some parts of his life. Now as the protagonist of this book, Jakob's full story will be revealed.

Anyone is welcome to start here. Because my written work overlaps, readers have often told me they don't always start at the beginning.

The text in blue will be Jakob's flashbacks. Interestingly, you can actually read this story two ways. It could be read as written, or you could go back and read it again without the blue flashbacks and see the natural conversation between the two.

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B O O K F O U R

Ascension:** Jakob's Ladder**

© By Timothy Lane

"Why don't we start with you telling me about your childhood, Jakob."

"What do you want to know?" I asked. "Um. I'm sorry. I'm not sure what to call you."

"Whatever you prefer is fine. If you don't care for Dr. Martin, I'm comfortable with you calling me Trevor."

"Okay. Uh ... Trever, what exactly do you mean?"

"Is there anything in your childhood that stands out? Are there things you recall frequently? Memories that seem particularly strong?" Trevor clarified. "As I get to know you, I want to know those times that are impactful, vivid."

I reflected for a moment. I tried to think of those youthful years. It was half my life ago.

"It was my sixteenth birthday," I said.

16

"What happened?"

"My family didn't have a lot of money. We weren't poor or anything. We just didn't have a lot of money. Mom didn't work and Dad's job was ... probably middle-class average. It was a single-income household," I said.

"Brothers or sisters?"

"One of each. Teresa is two years younger than me. My brother, Keaton, is three years older."

"What happened on your sixteenth birthday?" Trevor asked, circling back.

"Ah. Like I said, we didn't have much money. Some of my classmates had elaborate birthday parties. We couldn't afford that. We had a tradition of making whoever's birthday it was to feel very special. Their favorite meal, their favorite cake, that evening would be the whole family gathered around eating popcorn playing the game of the birthday person's choice. You felt like you were the center of attention."

"You looked forward to birthdays."

"I did. Even though it wasn't an elaborate party, my family had me invite four of my friends over. We had cake and whatnot. I could ask one of my friends to stay over for the evening. It was a Saturday night."

"What made it memorable?"

"My friends. I wasn't super close to many classmates at school. But I enjoyed spending time with a small group. One of my friends, Ron, had an older brother. When he dropped Ron off, Mom asked if he would like a slice of cake. He agreed to stay a moment. Anson, Samuel and Toby were the other three. As we all sat around eating cake, I found myself looking at Ron's older brother. I can't even remember his name. But I remember what he wore. He had on fairly short shorts and a low-cut tank top. He was 19 but wasn't in college. I just remember staring at the hair on his chest that was sticking out. His legs too. Hairy. Sexy. I couldn't help but look at him. He didn't stay long. Just enough time for cake. Ron was the one staying over, so his brother said he would be by in the morning. I vividly remember feeling excited that I would get to see him in the morning again."

"Why do you think this excited you?"

"Clearly, I was attracted to him. His hairy body seemed masculine to me."

"Did you know you were gay at 16?"

"Heck, no." I paused. "But it struck me like a board upside the head that I wanted to look at this guy some more. Then I looked at my four friends. I stared at them wondering if they were my friends because I thought they were good looking. Or was it something else?"

"You hadn't had male thoughts up to that point?"

"Well, if I'm being truthful ... I'm not sure if I thought of them as gay thoughts, but our house had ... these magazines."

"Magazines?" Trevor asked.

"Yeah. One of your birthday gifts was a magazine subscription. Teresa got some kind of `teen' magazine. I don't remember the name. It had young people — more boys than young girls — in it. You know, young celebrities from movies or television. My older brother had a hard rock magazine. I knew I always paused at the rock bands that had a member photographed shirtless. Practically every issue. And I looked at boy's faces in my sister's magazines. Even those magazines had a young man shirtless every issue. Not in a sexual way. Or. Well. As sexual as a young teen can be in a harmless magazine. If they were lying around, I always looked at the males in their magazines."

"You never questioned any of this?"

"Not really. I don't think in a gay way. I just figured I was thinking about growing older, starting to grow body hair ... that kind of thing. I never thought anything sexual in those instances."

"What magazine subscription did you get?" Trevor inquired.

"I'd rather not say."

"Oh?"

"You'd laugh. It was weird."

"Try me."

"Interior Space."

"The ... home decorating magazine?"

"Yes. Interior design."

"I do admit that's an unusual choice for a young teenager."

"Yeah. My brother and sister gave me a lot of grief. They thought it was ridiculous. They called it lame."

"Any particular reason for your choice?"

"Yes. Mom used to watch HGTV when I was younger. If I was sitting with her, I would see these large houses sometimes. I wondered what it would be like to live in a huge house. When things looked fancy, I thought it was ... I don't know ... alluring. I wished to one day live in a big house. But I liked it when they would give it a makeover and do a reveal. The magazine showed ways to make your house look better. I found it interesting." I looked at Trevor's expression to see if he thought I was an idiot. "See? Weird, huh?"

"Weird? No. Not typical, sure. But you knew what you wanted."

"Exactly. I actually enjoyed the subscription. I kept the same choice for two years. I tried things out in our bedroom. Or my side, at least. Keaton was a slob. My side looked fantastic." I smiled so Trevor would know I was only half-serious.

"I see. And as you looked through the magazines of your siblings ...?"

"I just knew I liked ... looking at the guys. It was just ... looking. It wasn't like I was aroused or anything gross like that. I just looked at them."

"Did other family members know?"

"Oh, no. My family is pretty religious. Church every Sunday. Grace before meals. Mom even did a little volunteer work up at the church building during the week. Even if I hadn't figured out my ... tendencies ... exactly, I imagine I thought the family would think it was weird or creepy."

"Was there more to the birthday?" Trevor said, keeping the conversation going.

"Yeah." I paused. "I don't know how personal I should get here. This is really new to me."

"Don't worry. I'll know how to take notes. You'll be fine."

But would I be? This felt strange. It was scary. I didn't talk about myself — at least in real personal details — with hardly anyone. Lance had made me talk more openly. Heaven knows he did. He could be incredibly blunt at times. But I didn't really know Trevor at all. Growing up, I never considered myself shy. I just didn't like talking about myself. Outside of AA, I never spoke about my life. I braced myself for it. It was why I was here.

"That was the first time I ever had anyone ... undress ... in front of me."

"As in ... naked?" Trevor asked for clarification.

Anson, Sam and Toby left late in the afternoon. We had goofed around in the backyard during the day. Frisbee, a tad of football. Ron was with us for dinner, and then we all played cards in the evening. We laughed and ate lots of popcorn. Mom and Dad had planned on watching the night's broadcast of the news in their bedroom. I shared a bedroom with Keaton, so there was no way for the Ron and I to really be in there.

"Uh, yeah. The two of us planned on staying up for a while. There was a part of the house ... we called it the den ... it was off to the side. It was kind of a family room, I guess. The big TV was in there, a long couch, a recliner, a beanbag chair and some big pillows. From time to time, the whole family would watch a program or a movie together in there. It wasn't a huge room. But with two kids on the floor or using the beanbag, we could all easily fit."

I pictured the room a moment. I had fond memories of the den. I remembered being little and curling up with Mom on the couch. It was older than the one in the living room. There was a slight tear in the leather over one of the arms. It still looked okay, but we rarely invited company in there. We assumed the living room furniture gave a better impression, which was correct.

"Ron had brought a small overnight bag. Mom had pulled in sleeping bags into the den. I took my shirt off and Ron started taking off his clothes. He had a night shirt and I guess shorts he slept in. I didn't think anything as he started to change. He ... pulled off his underwear and stood completely naked in front of me."

"What time do we have to get up?" Ron asked, completely nude.

"Probably around 8," I said, staring directly at his dick.

Ron's penis was bigger than mine. Admittedly, most people are, not that I necessarily knew that at the time. His was different though. It didn't look like mine at all. I had heard someone use the term `uncut' before, but I wasn't exactly sure what to make of it. When there seemed to be extra skin over the head of his cock, I figured this was an example of just that. Then I thought he might see me staring, and I quickly looked back at his face. He hadn't seemed to notice. He reached for the T-shirt first. As he pulled it over his head, I figured I could take another look at his penis while his head was covered. His cock swung from side to side as his arms maneuvered into the armholes of the shirt. His dick wasn't gigantic or anything, but I was hypnotized by how it could swing.

He then pulled up his shorts.

"I guess I didn't expect that. I really hadn't seen ... well, anybody except for Keaton ever get naked in front of me."

"Not at school or a swimming pool?"

"No. I mean, occasionally, if I was standing next to someone in the bathroom, I could see ... anatomy ... but no one ever undressed in front of me before. It wasn't until my junior year of PE at school that guys really undressed. Completely, that is."

"Did anything happen that night?"

"No. That was it. I guess. Well, actually, we crashed a little after midnight. We had talked for a while. Ron mostly talked about this girl in class he was hung up on. She was pretty. He felt very strong about her. I don't think he realized he was doing it, but his hand would rearrange his crotch while he was talking about her. He may have been getting ... becoming aroused. Once we turned in, he fell asleep right away. I laid there close to an hour. I just thought about seeing ... it. I'm sorry. This sounds really weird talking about stuff like this. Are you sure you want to hear this? Is it relevant to anything?"

"Jakob," Trevor calmly said. "We're going to be talking for a while. It's not like this will be done in an hour. Today is just the first day. I'll know what to pull from my notes."

Ron was lightly snoring. I knew he was gone from this world. I stared at the ceiling trying to remember what his cock looked like. It struck me that thinking about it gave me a hard-on. Why? I had been jacking off for ... maybe a year. I hadn't really pictured anything. I just knew it felt good. But seeing Ron's cock ... I just thought about it. I rolled over and looked at him. As I stared at his sleeping body, I suddenly remembered his brother's chest. At that, I started feeling my erection. I rolled back, staring up at the ceiling again. Knowing Ron was asleep, I pulled my underwear down and started tugging on my cock. The more I thought of that hairy chest, the faster I pulled on my stiff organ. I would occasionally look at Ron to make sure he was still asleep. My cock felt amazing knowing there was another guy near me as I masturbated. I closed my eyes and thought about Ron's penis and his brother's hairy chest. It didn't take me long. Cum splattered all over my chest. Except for a little heavier breathing, I had been fairly quiet. Ron had not awakened. I reached over and grabbed a sock to wipe my chest.

I let out a sigh and shut my eyes. I pulled my briefs back up and fell asleep a few minutes later.

"Okay. I've never thought of myself as shy, but it seems awkward to discuss personal stuff. But I think that was the first night I actually ..." I stopped talking.

"Jakob?"

"I'm not sure how to put it. Masturbated sounds so ... medical. But. Yeah. It was the first time I had jacked off thinking about another guy. Actually, it was his brother. I was just very cognizant of other males that day."

I suddenly felt very embarrassed. I did not feel comfortable saying such personal things, although Trevor seemed good at putting people at ease. I felt immediately humiliated for saying such things. It couldn't possibly be important. I wanted to leave.

"I'm sorry. I'm sure that isn't anything you were looking for," I said bowing my head.

"Don't apologize. Just be yourself. Be honest. I'm not here to judge you. I'm just wanting to get to know you."

"Well, I can tell you I was sort of confused that year. I got my driver's license within a month. That was cool. I was always excited when I could borrow the car and drive my friends somewhere. Not that we took road trips or anything. But just to the movies or out for fries and a Coke. That kind of thing. So many of my friends wanted to date girls when they got their licenses. I didn't. I never thought about that. I just knew ... I wanted to ... be ... with my friends. My guy friends."

"Did you ever have a girlfriend in high school?"

"Never. I figured it would hit me one day, you know ... BOOM! I want a girlfriend. But it never happened. I liked girls in a friend way. I enjoyed their company. No real desire to kiss them or hold hands or anything. In my early teens, I never questioned it."

"Did anything happen between you and anyone?"

"No. Well, not at first. I was trying to figure out why I looked at guys more. I never thought of them in a romantic way. I never wanted to kiss any of the guys or anything. But when I was in bed, I wondered what it would be like just to hold them. I was secretly yearning for that. Holding guys. In a bedroom all my own. In a big house. That was my dream."

Keaton had headed back to college following the summer. I had the bedroom to myself again. Fall TV had started. Mom wanted to watch a new show. I missed the first few minutes. I had dipped myself some ice cream. When I walked into the den, I learned the show took place in L.A. It was a cop show of some sort. One scene was filmed at the beach. The officer was questioning people there as to what they had witnessed. Every man was shirtless. Some had mustaches or beards. They were my favorite. One hairy chested man made my cock get erect. I was hoping no one in the den could tell. I placed my empty bowl above my crotch to disguise that the fly was tenting out.

That night in bed, I did something I had never done before. I slept naked. I had the room to myself. I thought about that man on the show. My dick was a spike. I slowly felt it while I thought about that actor. Without Keaton in the room, I could softly moan as I stroked my cock. I pictured the man without his swimsuit. I wished I could see what his erection looked like. I wished I could touch it. The thought of feeling that man's cock caused my hard-on to erupt cum all over my chest. I breathed hard as it splattered everywhere. I reached over for a tissue from the nightstand. It took two to completely get all the cum off me. Man, it seemed like a lot. I stayed naked. As I rolled over, I imagined what it would feel like to hold that man. Naked. In a big house.

"I guess I started thinking about men a lot that year. It's funny. I never wanted to kiss a guy. I just wanted to look at them. Hold them."

"How did that make you feel? Were you questioning your sexuality?"

"Probably. I never used the word `gay.' People would from time to time. I didn't. Of course, it was brought up in our youth class at church. `People shouldn't be gay,'" I said using air quotes.

"You had to figure it out at some point though."

"I did. I probably thought it was a phase that guys went through. I figured I would fall madly in love with a girl in the months ahead. But ... no. My feelings never changed. I actually found myself touching Anson, a friend, from time to time. I mean ... not in a romantic way. He seemed to like it when I put a hand on his shoulder or would give him a one-armed hug as I walked up. I liked touching him. On the rare occasion when it was skin-to-skin, like when we were wearing shorts and we were seated and our legs would touch ... it made me get ... you know."

Trevor scribbled a couple of notes. However, he told me he was recording this, so I didn't expect him to write a lot. Or I thought that was what he said.

I noticed the hair on Anson's leg was finer than mine. My hair was darker. It had started growing a couple of months ago. I think his just started growing. I liked how it felt when it touched my leg. It seemed manly. I was now over five-foot-six. I was pleased that I no longer seemed to be in the shorter group in most of my classes. Still, I was far from the tallest.

I wondered if anyone else in class was noticing how the guys were changing.

I looked around the room. On the far wall near Trevor's desk were two diplomas. I could tell they were from different universities, but I couldn't make out what they were. The bookcase was full of books on every shelf. There wasn't even room for a plant. I couldn't read any of the titles, but they just had the look of being "studious." I assumed they were almost all professional type and not casual reading, but I had no real way of knowing.

Even though I felt awkward and nervous, the chairs in Trevor's office were wonderful. They felt soft and comfortable, but the style really fit the room. It seemed like furniture that had a purpose of being welcoming more than professional. But, I could tell it was high-end merchandise.

His office was outside Jackson Bend in the direction that headed to Von. The drive had been shorter than an entire trip back to Jackson Bend. His plot of real estate was very nice, and I loved how his office was decorated. It was elegant and sophisticated but still had personal touches keeping it from being too pretentious.

Trevor put the pad on a side table. His movement snapped me out of my observations. I hated talking about myself, but ... that was the point. If I was going to be here, I should at least accept the purpose. At least he made me feel comfortable. Trevor was nice and soft spoken. His voice comforted me somehow. His glasses and beard made him look quite smart. I guessed him to be in his mid-50s. He still had all his hair, but there was enough gray on the sides to age him a bit.

My eyes drifted to an upper shelf where there was a picture of him and another man. It looked like a wedding picture, but I couldn't tell. I knew going into this that Dr. Trevor Martin was gay. I guess that made me feel a little more open. I took a deep breath and continued talking about myself.

"By the time Christmas rolled around, I was thinking about it a lot. I kept convincing myself I wasn't gay. I finally starting using the word, thinking the word. But I knew it would all pass. But every time I ... `took care of myself,' I never thought of a girl. I didn't think of guys every time, but almost every time. I just figured it would change some day. It had to."

"But it didn't, did it?"

"No," I said very small. "I seemed to think about men more each day."

* * * *

Readers of my previous work know there will always be posts when a new chapter drops on the blog: timothylane414stoires.blogspot.com There I post a little insight and behind-the-scenes stuff regarding the material in the story or in that particular chapter. Readers can comment there also.

Email: timothylane414@gmail.com