OK, all standard warnings apply. This is not to be taken seriously as reflecting upon real life, the fictitious people are just that, and the real people are not necessarily gay. Also, I'm sorry this took so long- I had a terrible computer crash, and had to buy a whole new one. Questions? Comments? ANYTHING,E-Mail me at writer1234@goplay.com
As You Love Me- Forces Of Nature
By JB
As I look out at the majestic sea, I know you and I were meant to be. I only wish I could make you see how much your love means to me. I wish I could walk up to you and speak the words that lovers do. But now I sit here sad and blue wishing that I could be with you.
-- Unknown
`Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
-- Alfred Lord Tension
Part One
TWO YEARS LATER
Two years is a long time...
The hurt had died down somewhat, but I knew Tom still lived somewhere: in my heart. No matter what, I was sure, no one could kick him out of that corner of my soul he occupied. I had changed my name right after he died. Now, most official documents had me as Bryan Porter-Matek, or just Bryan Matek. I rarely used the name Porter anymore, except for when writing to family.
I had driven down to LA from my home, Paradise View, in Northern California. I managed to get a month-long vacation by saving up my time. I was spending most of my vacation down here, driving about with my old college friends, Mike and Josh, who I had kept in contact with, but hadn't seen in years. We went everywhere: Las Vegas, Hollywood, San Diego. We even went to Universal Studios. I cried a little there, because I wanted so much to share it with Tom. The doctors still didn't know what had killed him so quickly. One day he was fine, the next week he was dead. He had mentioned he had once had cancer when he was a teen, but he assured me he was cured.
I had always loved to read Carl Sagan's books. I had just picked up his last book, Billions and Billions, and had sat in the hotel cafe to read it. It was around ten o'clock, so the cafe was nearly deserted. Unlike most cafe's in Paradise View, this one was well lighted, and I was able to read fine. I took a table near the windows looking out on the street and ordered a simple cup of coffee. Josh and Mike looked uncomfortably at me.
"Bryan, you've got to have more drive. You came down to LA to have fun, not mope around the hotel all day. We've had to drag you around. We went to Las Vegas and what do you do? You don't gamble, you spend all your time wandering around. We go to Universal Studios, and you can barely enjoy yourself...."
"Mike, go easy on him. He's had a rough time," Josh said, coming to my defense.
"I know... I know - but... it makes me kind of mad," he said, turning to me. "You used to be so full of life, vigor... but now... I... I don't know. You're just so different."
"I know I am," I replied, finally speaking. "I know I'm not the same. But... I loved him. More than anything in the world. Now... now I feel like the world isn't whole; like I'm not whole. It kind of scares me. No matter what. I look at a coffee mug. I remember Tom didn't like coffee. I look at a TV. I remember the time we spent watching the news. I go to Universal Studios. I think how much Tom would have loved it," I said, sipping my coffee.
"Mike, he needs time. And, speaking of time, we'd better get back to the apartment. It's late."
Mike and Josh said goodbye and left. As much as I wanted to be mad at Mike, I couldn't bring myself to it. I realized that he was being a good friend, stating what I had been hiding. I finished my coffee in a moment, ordering another. I continued to read, drowning my problems in caffeine.
After drinking what must have been a 5 liters of coffee, I looked at the clock: it was nearly eleven. The cafe was open all night, though, so I kept reading. However, the words seemed a little wobbly, so I decided to go easy on the caffeine. When I drank to much coffee (which was something like ten cups), I lost attention to everything but the task at hand, which was reading at that point.
"Owww! DAMN!!" I shouted as someone bumped into my table and the hot coffee spilled on my arm. Ignoring the pain for a moment, I pulled Billions and Billions out of the way of the flood of liquid, then wiped of my arm with a paper towel.
"Woah! Sorry man. I wasn't looking. Here," he said, grabbing some more paper towels and wiping off the table, being sure to avoid splashing liquid on my book. "Look, I'm really sorry. I wasn't paying attention. It's my fault."
"No, no," I said, holding my still-aching arm in paper towels, "I should have noticed you." Finally, I looked up to see who the man was. The first thing my brain registered was the face. I instantly recognized his face: Ben Affleck. I looked at those deep puddles of brown, noticing how they took in my soul. Just like Tom's eyes. Normally, I would have been too stunned to speak. But those eyes... they made me feel at home. They had something in person that the film just couldn't capture.
"I don't think we've been introduced. I'm Ben Affleck." He was dressed in a pair of loose jeans and a T-shirt, and I couldn't help but notice how different he looked from Tom, but how they both apparently had the same kind of personality, and the same deep look in their eyes. I could get lost if I wasn't careful.
"I noticed. I'm Bryan Matek."
"I'm really, really sorry. Do you think you'll live?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I said, pulling my eyes off his face to wipe up the table.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" I noticed he had a cup of coffee and a book.
"Sure," I answered. I tossed the towels in a garbage bin and sat down.
"By the way, you can call me Ben, OK?" he said, noticing I was quite uncomfortable.
"Um, OK. You can call me Bryan-- Bryan with a 'Y'."
"What?" Ben said, not comprehending.
"My name- it's spelled 'Bryan'," I said, spelling it, "Not 'Brian'."
"Here, inside," he waved. I climbed in after him, and he pulled the lid off an icebox in front of the seat. He handed me a large hump of ice and a towel.
"Thanks. But I really should have been paying attention. It's the coffee. It makes me inattentive," I said. He nodded.
"Wow. Billions and Billions. Carl Sagan, right?" he asked. I nodded in reply. "That's cool. You know, I have a great spot for stargazing. It's just a little from here. The city lights don't block out the stars, and it's really peaceful. I can bring you now, if you like..."
"Really? I don't want to be any trouble. It's kind of late."
He chuckled. "None at all. I feel guilty about the coffee, anyway."
"Well, OK, if you don't mind."
"Really? Then let's go," he said, sounding surprised.
He leaned forward and told the driver, and we were off. On our way, we made small-talk. I told him where I was from, what my city was like, where I went to college... everything except Tom. I told him how I worked at OmniComp, a computer firm in Paradise View, how I walked along the beach, but I let on no hint of whether I was a fan of his or not, which I really was not.
"Ah, here we are," he suddenly announced. We were on some dark hill, near LA. Stepping out, I wondered if I would be cold, but the air was warm. I grabbed Billions and Billions and ducked out of the limo. I looked at the sky, seeing thousands of stars.
"God! You're right. I love the stars."
"Really?" he said, as the limo drove off into the distance.
"Yeah. Ever since I saw Cosmos years ago on PBS... it was Sagan who made me love science."
"I never really liked science, but I've always loved the mystery of the stars. That's one reason I did Armageddon."
I choked back a snide comment about the movie, instead lying on the ground. More stars popped out as my eyes adjusted to the dark. Ben lay next to me a moment later. We stared at the stars for a moment. A tear welled up in my eye. Tom would have loved a night like this.
I looked directly up into the night. I my vision was completely uncontaminated by the Earth. Suddenly I felt as if I would fall up, hurling up to the heavens. I let out a gasp, which I made sure to quickly stifle, and grabbed onto the grass.
"What? A bug?" Ben asked.
I blushed and turned to face him. "Nothing. I just got dizzy for a moment."
"Oh." Ben was quiet for a moment, looking up at the stars. "We'd better spread a towel on the ground before we get grass stains," he said, reaching for a basked he had brought from the limo. "I went swimming today," he explained, taking a beach towel out of the basket. "Sorry, I only have one. We'll have to squeeze together. By the way, how's your arm?"
"Fine, thanks. Tell me, why did you bring me here?" I asked.
"Just a minute. Move over; I want to put the towel there."
"Just put it over there," I said, pointing to the grass next to me.
"But it's flatter where you are. I don't want to roll off."
"Why not?" I asked. He answered by throwing the towel over my head, leaving me in darkness for a moment.
"Well... if that's how you want to play..." I said, throwing the towel at him, landing a perfect cast over his head. He removed the towel, and I could see, in the dim light of the moon, he was smiling. He just looked so kissable right then, and I had to concentrate to not leap at him.
"OK, let's call a truce... for now," he said, throwing the towel on ground. He bent over to straighten it up. He then signaled me to lie on the towel. I thanked him and lay down. I stared at the Little Dipper as Ben lay next to me.
"Gotcha!" Ben yelled as he rolled onto me. "Try to get THIS towel off you," he said as he looked into my eyes. I lost myself in those puddles of color. He held my hand, then felt my ring. He brought it up to his face, examining it in the moonlight.
"Wow. This is a beautiful ring. Are you married?"
"Almost. Once. But... it's a long story."
"I'd like to hear it."
"Maybe. Sometime."
"OK. I guess I can live with that." He paused, then continued, "you seemed to be the type who would like it." I gave him a weird look, and he blushed, then finished, "The stars I mean."
"What about the stars?" I asked. He was still lying on top of me.
"Your question. About why I brought you here. You seemed to be the type who loves the stars."
"Tom would have loved this. He adored the stars," I blurted out.
"Tom? Who's Tom?" he asked.
I sighed. "Tom was my first--and only--love."
"Is he the one who gave you the ring?"
"Yeah. I loved him so much."
"Oh," he said, simply. It sounded-- sad.
"Ben... I have to know... is this a date?" I quietly asked, studying his strong face.
"Yeah... I guess it is... Are you mad?" he asked quietly.
"Of course not. This was sweet... I love it. And I think I love you." I leaned my head up to kiss him gently on the lips.
Ben looked surprised. "Really? You're not mad? What about... you know..."
I answered by kissing him again, he looked surprised for a moment, then parted his lips. I slid my tongue in, feeling his soft mouth. He started moving his body, and I could feel his hard cock rub against mine. I thought for a moment.
"Ben, stop," I commanded. He instantly stopped kissing and rubbing me, looking intently into my eyes. "I don't know. I'm tired. You're tired. How do we know we won't regret this later?" I braced myself, afraid I had killed any budding love.
Ben was still for a moment. I could tell he was reluctant to go when he confirmed what I said. "I guess you're right. Let's wait until tomorrow. We'll have our thoughts straightened out then," he said, kissing me once more. I sighed with relief as he slid off my body.
Changing the subject, he said, "Could you point out some of the... stuff... up there?"
"Sure," I said, pointing to the sky, "That's Jupiter right there. See it? It's the really bright one. And that's Saturn. I'm surprised they're both out at the same time. You should see them through a telescope. It's awesome," I grinned, glad he was still willing to talk.
"I'll bet it is."
"Jupiter has the largest moon in the Solar System, you know. It's Ganemede, which is nearly the size of Mars. It's also got Europa. Europa is fascinating, because it is an ice moon. But it's so close to Jupiter that the tidal forces might keep the inside liquid. And where there's liquid water, there may be life. Also, Jupiter has Io, a volcanic moon. It looks like a pizza, because it's got sulfur volcanoes which discolor the surface."
"Wow. All that in one tiny little dot in the sky."
"If you think that's cool, you should hear about quasars. Those are supergiant blackholes at the edge of the universe. You need to use a huge telescope to see them, but they are a sight to behold. They suck up millions of stars into oblivion, and one quasar gives off more radio energy than our whole galaxy."
Ben nodded, suprisingly interested. I continued. "Then you've got Saturn. Those rings were formed millions of years ago when a moon got too close to the planet and was ripped apart..."
I looked at my watch. It was almost four AM.
"Shit. It's late. I can hardly focus my eyes. I think we should head back," I said.
"Good idea. Let's go," Ben said, sitting up. I could see his form shiloeted against the stars.
"Uh... how? We're miles from LA."
"Don't worry. My car's just down this path."
"I see. How exactly did it get up here?"
"I had the limo driver bring it up. It's no biggie."
"I see," I said as we got up. I could feel an attachment to him there, and thought I could feel his attraction for me. I packed the blanket in, with the light of the just-risen moon to help me. A moment later, Ben drove up in his car (or one of his cars), a new Nissan. In the light I noticed the barbed-wire tattoo on his arm, something I hadn't seen before. He stopped next to me and I climbed in.
"Did you enjoy this place?" he asked.
"I loved it." I could think of something else I was beginning to love, too.
"Great. I had a nice time. Thanks for telling me all that. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the sky the same way again." He smiled as he said that, and I once again got lost in those eyes.
"'I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the sky the same way again.' Is that good or bad?"
"Good. It just fills me with so much awe. All that chaos, yet all those orderly laws which keep everything moving."
"I'm glad you weren't bored. The only person-- rather people-- who didn't fall asleep while I was lecturing about the stars at night before you were Tom and Kelly. Kelly's my best friend. We grew up together."
Ben nodded as he buckled up. He was silent for a moment, then said, quite reluctantly, "Did you enjoy it? The date?" As if he expected a negative remark from me.
"I did," I said, smiling. I looked into those perfect eyes, that light smile, and felt arousal creep up my body.
"Let's go back to the hotel," I quickly said, holding his hand.
"Um, this might sound kind of weird, but how old are you?"
"I'm 26. You?"
"Same. I'm 26."
"Why? Afraid of statutory rape?" I said, watching him in the dim light of the controls. He seemed relaxed and casual.
"No, just curious," he said, starting to move. The car jerked slightly forward, then gently rolled down the hill.
"It's really late. Or, rather, early. Do you have anything to do?"
"No, I'm taking the weekend off. On Monday, we continue shooting 'Lake Mollen.'"
"Really? I've never heard about it. What's it about?" I asked, resting my head on his shoulder.
"Basically, it chronicles my character's women problems in a small town near a lake, properly named, Lake Mollen. I get tricked into going on a date with a client by my boss, while I still date my regular girlfriend. It turns out that my character starts to love the client, but can't tell his girlfriend, and it turns into a comedy as I try to keep up my dates with both of them. It's hilarious."
"Sounds interesting. But if it's a movie about a small town, why film in LA?"
"We're using a small suburban area around here," he said. Suddenly a bright flash filled the sky, outshining the moon. I looked up to see a large meteor crossing the sky. It was beautiful.
"That was about the size of a marble," I said after the light had died. I could still see the afterimage in my vision, a vivid blue streak across the dark world.
"That small?" Ben said, whistling in awe.
"Yeah. But you have to remember, it was traveling at 20 klicks a second." I though a moment, then said, "How much algebra do you remember?"
"A bit. I can still work out equations."
"OK. Energy equals one-half mass times velocity squared. Mass is in kilos, velocity is in meters per second. .5MV^2. Something like that weighs about, say, ten grams. That's probably wrong, but I don't have a calculator. So that's .01 kilos. V is 20,000, because it's twenty klicks times 1,000. So that's 20,000 squared. That's... um..." I thought for a moment. "4 times ten to the eighth. Now take off one zero... that's four times ten to the seventh. Now divide by two... that's two times ten to the seventh Joules of energy. That's quite a bit." I noticed a far-off look in Ben's eyes. "Oops. I'm boring you, aren't I."
"Just a bit..."
"Sorry, I have a tendency to do that," I apologized. I turned to the window. Looking at the billions of stars, I said absently, "Ben-- why did you choose me? How do you know I'm not going to fuck you then sell the story to the 'Star'?"
Ben thought for a moment. "Because I trust you. I know you won't. I don't know how I know, but I just have a feeling," he said as we emerged from the hills. Even at this early hour, LA was a bustling port of endless activity.
"Thank you. Thanks for your trust." I leaned my head on his shoulder, putting one arm around his neck. I saw the hotel just ahead.
"How can I contact you tomorrow?" Ben asked as he pulled over at the entrance to the hotel. I could see a glow on the horizon where the sun would be within the hour.
"I'm in room 34-5. Just call the main office and ask for that room."
"Wait, let me find a scrap paper..." Ben said, digging through the mess in the back. He pulled out an old envelope, and, remarkably, a pen.
"Room 34-5," I said again.
"Room 34-5. Got it," Ben said, quickly jotting the room on the paper.
"I'll talk to you then," I said, holding his hand for a moment.
"Yeah. I'll be here tomorrow," Ben said as I pulled out of the car. He waved again through the window, and I waved back as the car disappeared in the cool night air. I sighed and went back to the room, in full knowledge that I had ruined a perfect relationship.
Why are you pushing him away?
Because I don't want him
-You do-
Anyone can look at others eyes, but Lovers can see into each others' souls through the eyes. --Larry Latta
I awoke the next day with a knock on the door. What the fuck? I had put up the 'do not disturb' sign the night before... I glanced at the clock beside the bed. It read noon, exactly. Noon? That meant I had slept for about seven and a half hours. Deciding that was enough, I sat up. I grabbed a mint from my bag, quickly chewing it. As the strong taste flowed into my mouth, I wondered what I had done the night before. All I could remember was a blank spot. I heard the knock again. What? Suddenly, it all come back. I couldn't have... did I? No, of course not. I had waited.
I opened the door, knowing who was there. Ben was looking down the hall. He turned suddenly, looking me right in the face. I nodded, inviting him in.
"So... do you want to go to lunch?" he said the moment the door had closed. He smiled gently at me, looking lovingly into my eyes.
"Is this another date, Mr. Affleck?" I said, returning the smile. He shrugged, looking at the ceiling. I laughed, then said, "Well, I'm kind of hungry, myself. The cafe's downstairs. Do you want to go there, or somewhere special?"
"That's fine," he said, sitting on the bed. I ignored what he implied, if anything.
"Good. Just let me shower. You can wait here," I offered, gesturing around. I stepped to the suitcase, pulling out a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt, along with some underwear. I looked right past him as I entered the bathroom. I didn't want to seem rude, but I knew that I would get horny and think with the wrong head if I looked at him.
I locked the door, then stripped. I cursed silently at myself as the water ran over me for being so cold to him. It wasn't HIS fault that he was so damn cute. But I didn't want to get physical--at least not yet. I quickly washed my hair, reveling in the clean feeling of getting the oil out. I had always had oily hair. I also never grew much body hair- it was just one of those things. Unfortunately, I had no trouble growing facial hair, so I had to shave.
As the warm water cascaded over my back, I realized I had an erection. As much as I didn't want to admit it, Ben attracted me. And I apparently attracted him. I wanted to go outside and proclaim my love, but I instead turned down the temperature of the water.
"Ready?" Ben said, turning off the TV and sitting up on the bed. I nodded, leaning to tie my shoes.
"I made us coffee. I hope you like it," he said, handing me a cup. I took a sip, expecting the worst. I was pleasantly suprised to find that not only was the coffee acceptable, but good.
"Mmm. This is good stuff. You certainly can make coffee," I commented. Ben blushed.
He pointed to the picture frame by the bed. "Is that Tom?" Ben asked.
I nodded. "That was three years ago." I hung my head slightly, continuing, "He died a little more than two years ago. This was his last gift to me. It was a birthday present, but he died before my birthday. He asked my grandmother to hold onto this, so he wouldn't have to hide it in our apartment. My grandmother gave it to me the day after he died. He... he had cancer as a teen, and it recurred. There was nothing they could do. He had already had the maximum number of radiation treatments. He died less than a week later."
"I'm sorry. I can see how much you cared for him," Ben said quietly.
I heard a knock. I stood up and walked slowly to the door, picking up my clothes strewn about the room. I grabbed Billions and Billions of the table just as I reached the door.
"Who is it?" I called as I looked through the peep-hole.
"Room service," came the reply. I opened the door, and there stood a young woman about my age. She looked tired and haggard, but still beautiful. Kinda like Kelly, I thought.
"Perfect timing. I was just on my way out," I said. I called Ben. He walked over from the bed, making sure to smile kindly at the cleaning lady.
"You look familiar..." the lady said, scratching her head. "I've got it!" she said suddenly, looking Ben in the eye, "You're Ben Affleck! God... can I have your autograph?" she said, pulling out a hotel note card and pen. Ben sighed.
"Could you make it to Jenny?" she asked, looking pleading.
"Sure..." Ben smiled. He quickly scribbled on the card.
"Thank you, Mr. Affleck," she said, tucking the paper in her purse.
"You're welcome," Ben said. "Now be sure to keep this room really clean for my business partner here," he said, winking to Jenny.
"I will, sir," she said, stepping out of our way so we could leave.
We walked in silence to the elevator, where we were the only ones in the car. The doors closed, and we stood in silence for a moment.
"Do you have to put up with that a lot?" I asked, implying the cleaning lady.
"Sure, but it's not so bad," he said, pressing the button for the ground floor. He leaned against the wall, looking into my eyes. Presently we reached the ground level. I led the way to the cafe. We took a seat by the window, on opposite sides of the table. I pulled out Billions and Billions and opened to an anonymous page.
"Bryan, please," Ben said, pulling Billions and Billions down and looking around nervously. He gave me a weird look, then sarcastically said, "Come on. Don't ignore me. You'll make me look bad."
I smiled slightly, then put the book down. "Yes?" I said, looking him in the eye.
"Anything... the errors in Armageddon... how much energy in a nuke... whatever. I just need to hear your voice," he said pleadingly.
"I'll skip Armageddon for now. I wouldn't know where to begin. But... well, why don't you ask me about life?"
"OK... You told me you went to college. What did you major in?"
"Engineering. I was hired by OmniComp to do work on improving the efficiency of electronic circuits located near magnets," I said, recalling the months I spent on a single calculation. "It's hard, but it's what I love to do. Math is just so fascinating. I mean, the universe can be explained with numbers. I just think that it's so weird... and quite interesting."
"Really," Ben said, mildly of suprised. "No offense, but, the way you're built, I expected something like physical trainer, not physics major."
"I manage to get the gym after work. Actually, when Tom died, I exercised more than ever, just to try to block the pain."
"Did it work?" Ben asked.
"Not really," I said, smiling slightly. "Nothing helps that kind of pain... except time."
Half an hour later, we were headed back to the room. I slid the keycard through the lock, hoping the cleaning lady was done. I came into a perfectly organized room, with my bags, which were previously on the floor, carefully placed on the tables.
"Geez. I think I'll keep you around just for room service," I said, putting Billions and Billions on the coffee table. I fell onto the bed.
Do you love him?
NO
-You do... don't suppress it- Do you feel good around him?
I... can't answer that
-Yes... you do. Why are you denying it? Even to yourself- Does he make you feel secure?
I don't know
-He does- Does he love you?
I don't know
-He does- How is he looking at you?
Like Tom looked at me...
-Tom loved you- Is he like Tom?
No
-He loves you like Tom. He's more like Tom than anyone- Do you want to be with him?
NO
-You do...- What will you do?
Send him out. I can't hurt him
-You won't. He can't be hurt by you- How would you hurt him?
I can't love him
-Yes, you can- Why can't you love him?
I can't abandon Tom
-You loved Tom. But he wanted...- Why would Tom be mad?
STOP! STOP! I don't want this. I can't leave Tom
-You already have-
"Ben, I'll see you later."
Why are you pushing him away?
I... I don't know
-You can't deny it-
"Bryan... why?"
Do you see how you're hurting him?
I... I don't want to hurt him
-No, you don't- Why can't you hurt him?
I don't know
-You love him-
"Ben... wait."
Why are you calling him back?
I don't know
-You want him- Does he love you?
I think so
-He does- Do you feel good around him?
Yes
-So does he- Do you feel safe around him?
Yes
-He feels safe, too- How do you look at him?
Like I looked at Tom...
-He feels your gaze. You can't hide the love- Do you feel like you want to spend your life with him?
Yes
-So does he- Do you love him?
Yes
-He loves you- What will you do?
I... don't know
-It was Ingrid Bergman who once said...- How do you feel?
Happy
-So does Tom-
"Ben," I said, watching him stand awkwardly in the corner of the room. "I don't know how to say this... so..." I gave up on words, instead pulling him to me in a hug. We fell back onto the bed, so close we were almost one. I placed my lips on his, and we shared a passionate kiss.
"I believe it was Ingrid Bergman who said, 'A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.' I believe this applies. I love you, Ben," I whispered.
Part Two
---- For small creatures such as we, the vastness [of the universe] is bearable only through love.
-- Carl Sagan, Contact
"I love you too, Bryan."
"This is forever, right?" I said, still holding him on top of me.
"Forever. If you'll take me that long," he said, gently kissing me.
"Well, forever is a long time," I said, giving him another kiss. "And that's just how long I want to be with you," I assured him. I pulled him tight to my body, pulling him into me.
"I love you, Bryan."
"Um, maybe now isn't the best time to tell you, but I have a little secret..." I said, pausing for dramatic effect.
"A secret? Well, go on," Ben said, slowly pulling off of me to sit up next to me.
"OK... did I tell you my real name isn't Bryan Matek?" I whispered. I turned to face him, looking into his eyes. Those deep brown eyes...
Ben looked shocked for a moment, then managed to say, "No, you didn't tell me."
"My real name is Bryan Porter-Matek. Matek was Tom's last name. I took it when Tom died. I needed that last piece of him to hang onto," I explained, suddenly finding it hard to justify. "But there was another reason: he had no siblings, no uncles or aunts, and his parents died before we met. I felt it was my duty to carry on the name. But now... I feel so wacked. I love you, and I want to spend my life with you, but I... I just don't think I can give up Tom's name." I thought for a moment, then a smile spread across my face. "Besides, Matek sounds so much cooler than Porter."
"Bryan... I don't know what to say." Ben's face seemed torn between emotions. "God, I wish Matt were here. He'd know what to do. But he's filming in Canada now. I don't know what to say about your name. Personally, I think it's sweet that you kept his name. The truth is, I don't know if I deserve to be loved by you. I mean, I just met you yesterday. Are you sure that you want to let me into your life? I guess what I'm saying is that I'm afraid I won't be good enough to live up to him."
"Don't think like that, or we'll never get anywhere," I said as I kissed him again. "I just feel so... torn. I want to keep Tom's name, just to keep him alive in some way, but I also want to change my last name back to Porter, to start with a clean slate."
"No. You keep Tom's name." I was about to protest to Ben's decision, even though I didn't think I could win in any case, but he placed his finger gently on my lips. "I'm not a selfish person. I love you. I know you love me. You stay Bryan Porter-Matek. For me and Tom."
I could tears start to well up in my eyes, and before I knew it, I was in Ben's arms, sobbing onto his shoulder. Ben gently patted my back, comforting me.
"Ben... thank you. Thank you. I know I'll love you always."
We stayed like that for minutes, him holding onto me, me breathing gently over his shoulder. It was so comforting, just lying in his arms. I wished I could lie like that for eternity. Sex wasn't even in my mind. We fell onto the bed, next to each other. It felt so natural. Like Tom... something in me said. I shook my head and shut it out.
"I love you," Ben whispered
"I love you, too," I whispered back. Ben leaned into me and rubbed our bodies together, grinding our hard organs against one another.
"Oh, Ben," I moaned into his chest. Then I realized we still had our clothes on.
"Uh, I hate to break up the moment, but I don't want to ruin my clothes."
"Clothes? Why do we need those things?" Ben said as stood. He removed his clothes in a flash, then turned and pulled off my clothes so fast I was afraid he would tear them. Yet there was a certain gentleness to his actions. Though he was quick, there was no hostility in his actions, indeed, it seemed quite sensual.
I then looked down at him, taking measurements. I estimated his penis to be at least 8". How odd, I thought, that I measure everything in metrics except penis size. We were almost the same height, though Ben was a little taller than me.
"God! Now I see why you wanted the Magnum Trojans!"
Ben turned red at the mention of his appearance on Leno for 'Forces of Nature'. "Shit. That was an embarrassing interview. Shhkktt! God. And my mother, of all people, right there."
I smiled and kissed him. "Um, well, if it's any consolation, I use Magnum, too." We sort of fell back, and I found myself lying on the bed, Ben lying on me and hugging me, kissing so deeply I thought the air would be sucked from my lungs.
Ben pulled the sheets up, covering us. I reached down and took our cocks in my hands, observing that they were almost exactly the same length and thickness.
"Getting jelous?" Ben asked, smiling at me.
"Not at all." I pulled his head to mine, putting my lips to his. He parted his lips, and I felt his tongue enter my mouth. We kissed like this, holding each other under the warm blankets, for what seemed like hours. Finally, he broke the kiss. He licked my hairless chest, then moved onto my nipples. The blankets were kicked off, but by which of us I'm not sure. He moved down further, over my abdomen, my waist... finally getting to my dick. He stuck his tongue out, gently flicking the line between the head and the shaft.
"Ohhh, yeah... suck me, Ben..." I moaned in pleasure, prompting him to take it into his mouth. He wrapped his lips around the shaft, using his tongue to brush the sensitive head. I stroked his hair with my hands, running my fingers through it. He ran his hands across my back, coming to rest by forming a cup on my ass.
"Ohh, God. I'm going to cum...." I moaned to him as a warning. This just sped him up. He suddenly deep-throated me, then pulled me almost out, drinking my precum. I moaned louder and louder, finally erupting in a scream as spasms shook my body. I felt my hot cum gush out like a waterfall, so much flowing out it leaked around the edges of Ben's mouth faster than he could swallow it. I lay on the bed, gasping for breath.
"That.... that was the... first time anyone's done that in two years," I managed to choke out. I calmed my breathing. In, out, in, out, I commanded my lungs.
"Was it worth the wait?" he asked with a grin on his face.
"I'd say it was," I confirmed. I lay still for a moment, catching my breath. A moment later, I turned to him and ran my hands across his chest. I kissed him deeply on the lips, tasting my own cum. I moved down, giving him a tongue bath. I concentrated on finding his pleasure points, listening for a moan when I went over one. I licked the hair on his chest, then concentrated on his nipples. I heard a approving moan from above. He stroked my back as I licked his chest, savoring his taste. I finally started down, to the beautiful penis between his legs. I licked the head and shaft, teasing him.
"Ohh... suck me... Bryan... suck me..." I needed no further encouragement. I engulfed the 8" in one take, then started going up and down, my tongue caressing every centimeter. With my hands I spread his ass, running my finger in his crack. I suddenly touched my index finger to his tight hole, feeling him.
"Ahhhhhh... FUCK!" he yelled as I felt his balls contract. A moment later, his hot lovejuice flooded in torrents down my throat. I managed to swallow it all, watching him pant above me. Giving his dick one last lick, I moved up to him.
"Uh. I guess we should get cleaned up now..." I said, noticing that, so far, we had only succeeded in making more of a mess. Gasping for a moment, Ben nodded.
"Thanks," he suddenly blurted out.
"For what?"
"For choosing me. For choosing me to be the one."
"You're thanking me? I should be thanking you. You could have anyone you wanted, but you chose me. Thanks."
"How could I help but choose you? You've got a great body, a brilliant mind, and a beautiful personality to top it all off."
I blushed and leaned into him. "Yeah, but I'm not a world famous actor who has millions of people jerking off to him each night."
"True, true..." he said. I smiled and slapped him gently on the butt. I hugged him tightly, pressing against his naked body. A moment later, we were asleep. ----
"Come on, Bryan. Wake up. It's getting late."
"Huh? What?"
"Bryaaannnn. Come on." I was gently shaken.
I looked up into Ben's eyes. "Oh my God... so it wasn't a dream."
Ben looked quizitivly at me. "Of course not." He was still lying naked with me on the bed.
I got into the bed with him, pulling the thick covers over me. I embraced Ben, bringing him close to me.
"Ben?"
"Uh hu?"
"I just want you to know that, right now, I'm happier than I've been for as long as I can remember," I confessed.
"Really? No regrets about what we're doing?"
"Why? You having regrets? I don't have any."
"No, it's not that. It's just... you know I can't be seen in public with you... and it scares me. I want everyone to look at you and think, 'hands off: he's Ben's.'"
"I know how you feel. Tom and I kept secret until just before he died. It was very hard. I mean, what do you do when a woman starts flirting with you?" I was about to continue, but was interrupted by the phone ringing. I leaned over and picked the receiver up.
"Hello?" I asked, annoyed that the person was invading on my private time.
"Bryan? Thank god. I was worried, and so was Jim. We came at eight to pick you up, but no one answered."
"Oh, I was just up all night. You know, reading," I lied. Ben motioned for me to come to him. "Just a minute," I said to Mike. I put the receiver down on the table.
"What?"
"Who is it?"
"My college buddies Jim and Mike. They live here."
"Do you trust them?"
"100%. Are you saying...?"
Ben grinned. "Just tell me about their reactions later."
I smiled back at Ben. "Hello? Mike? Yeah. I got something to tell you..."
"What? Please don't tell me you're mad about last night. I'm sorry for being so pointed."
"It's not that. It's that... I found a man last night."
I heard nothing from the other side of the line. A moment later, Mike recovered. "Who?" he demanded.
"Listen Mike. You have GOT to PROMISE me, on everything you hold dear, you will not tell ANYONE. Not even Jim. I'll tell him later."
"OK, OK. I promise. Who is it?"
"Ben Affleck," I stated simply.
"Hah! You've got to be more creative than that. Come on, who is it?"
"I'm serious. It's Mr. Affleck."
"Right. Anyway, when do you want us to pick you and 'Mr. Affleck' up?"
"How about in an hour?" I said, smiling at Ben.
"Fine. I'll be there with Jim. Bye."
"OK, bye," I said, putting the receiver down.
"Looks like fun-time's over. We have to get ready in an hour," I said, pulling myself out of the bed with a sigh.
"They didn't believe you?"
"Of course not. But they'll be here soon. We have to get ready."
"Aww, but I don't wanna get up," Ben whined.
I sighed as he closed his eyes, knowing I would try something. And try something I did. Pulling the blankets off, I silently took a piece of ice into my hand. I kissed Ben, feeling his mouth. I heard him moan, and saw the pleasure in his face. Suddenly breaking the kiss, I dropped the ice down onto his abs. He yelped loudly and jumped out of bed.
"Shit! What was that for!?"
"You knew I would find a way to get you up. Now let's take a shower." ----
We stepped out of the shower and dressed. He couldn't keep his hands off me, and I almost had to order him to get dressed. Of course, he used clothes from my wardrobe, but I didn't know why--maybe it was just a sentimental thing. I sighed and followed him out of the bathroom, watching him pick a pair of loose bluejeans, an anonymous pair of underwear, and a gray shirt.
"How do I look?" he asked. I studied him for a moment, noting how his muscles shown through the T-shirt.
"Very sexy. I like it." I turned to the suitcase, pulling out another pair of jeans and a Discovery Channel shirt. I sat at the desk, checking my brown hair. Rationalizing that it was good enough, I ran my hand through it to straighten out any tangles.
"I don't get it," Ben suddenly announced.
"What?" I asked, turning to face him.
"I met you last night. We had sex this morning. I... I never let anyone do that before..."
"Are you having regrets?" I said. I felt my heart sink. I loved this man, and didn't want to leave him, ever.
"No... that's what I don't get. I mean, I always thought that doing that so quickly would only lead to an 'I can't believe we just did that!' level alert in my brain. But... you're different. I know that." He paused for a beat. "Do you have any regrets?"
"None," I admitted. "I feel the same way. I never thought that I would have sex after only knowing the person for a few hours. I mean, it took Tom and me a week," I said as I looked into his eyes. Suddenly they flashed sadness. "Oh," I started. "I didn't mean... I'm sorry. I keep comparing you to him. I shouldn't do that."
"It's not that... it's just that... well, I know that you loved him so much. Whenever you mention him, your eyes... they just seem to show sadness. And it makes me kinda sad, too."
"I'm sorry."
"No, don't be. I love you, Bryan."
"I love you, too, Ben."
We embraced, just standing there. My arms and body started to tingle with love. A love I hadn't felt in years was here. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
"Oh, that'll be Jim and Mike," I said, gently pulling away. I started to the door.
"Bryan, wait," Ben called. I turned around. "Are they, you know..." He made a kissing motion.
"Jim and Mike? No, they're straight. They're always looking for girls. It's insane, really. All they really get is tired."
"Oh, good. I don't have competition," he smiled. The bell rang again. I rolled my eyes at his grin and proceeded to the door.
"Hey, Bryan. So, where's Mr. Affleck?" Mike said, leaving Jim with a questioning look on his face.
"Oh, just come on in," I motioned, waving to the bed. I looked around. Ben was no where in sight. I walked down the short hall, stopping at the bed. Jim and Mike were right behind me.
"Were you looking for me?" Ben suddenly announced, appearing behind us. I jumped at his voice, spinning around.
"Shit! Don't do that," I said, walking over to him. I looked behind at the open bathroom door. What a place to hide. Noting that the hallway door was closed, I put my arm around his waist. He did the same, pulling me to him.
"Jim, Mike, this is Ben Affleck. Ben, that's Jim," I said, motioning the tall English man, "And that's Mike," motioning to the hunky Latino stud, who filled not a few of my college fantasies.
Ben walked up to them, shaking their hands kindly. Jim and Mike still had that dumbfounded expression. A moment later, Mike recovered.
"Um, hello..." he trailed off, not knowing how to address Ben.
"Just call me Ben," he said, taking hold of my hand.
"Hello, Ben," Mike finished, obviously uncomfortable with the name.
"Yes, greetings from me as well," Jim announced.
"So, what's on our itinerary today, Mike?" I asked.
"Um, nothing We just planned to drive. Anywhere you want to go?"
"No," I answered.
"Bryan, I can tell you want to be with Ben today. So I'll tell you what. We'll leave your rental car here for you to use."
"Um, thanks, but how will you get home?" I asked.
"Well, actually, I insisted Jim bring our car to pick you up, while I brought the rental car. I trusted you to a degree, you see?"
"Really? Well, then I guess that's a good idea."
Jim and Mike said their good-byes, and assured us that they wouldn't breathe a word to anyone about us. Finally, we were alone.
Ben closed the curtains and locked the door, then sat on the edge of the bed. I joined him a moment later, fishing through my backpack for the USB modem.
"Uh, Bryan... since we were so rudely interrupted before..."
"Sex again?" I said. "Seriously, I have an important phone call to make."
"To who?"
"Actually, I have to call my best friend, Kelly. She'll flip out," I said, grinning slightly at the mental image of Kelly tearing her hair out.
"Somehow I doubt she'll believe you..." Ben said, putting his arm over my muscled chest.
"That's why I have a video-phone on the laptop. Cellular technology. Expensive as hell, but you can't beat it for convenience." I finally found that rogue modem, standing to plug the laptop into the socket near the table. I plugged the camera and modem into the computer, the dramatically hit the 'on' switch. As I waited for the computer to boot up, I hugged Ben.
"So, who is this Kelly person?"
"Oh, I didn't tell you?" I asked, slightly surprised. Ben nodded 'no'. I glanced at the computer, then said, "Well, Kelly and I grew up next-door to each other in Paradise View. We've been friends forever. In fact, she introduced Tom and me. I think she was Tom's only good friend, and definitely my best friend."
"Sounds like she'll appreciate this dramatic entrance." He made a flailing motion with his arms and stood out of the view of the camera.
"No, wait. I want to get a high quality shot to zap her, 'cause the video's really grainy," I said, timing the photo for 15 seconds. I stood by Ben's side, looking quickly in the mirror, then at the screen to be sure I lined up correctly. The lighting was rather dim, so I reached over and turned on the table light. Seeing the set-up was perfect, I activated the timer, smiling with Ben. Suddenly, he put his hand in my hair, ruffling it just as the camera hit zero. I looked at the finished image. Surprisingly, it wasn't unflattering, and I playfully punched Ben in the side as I saved.
"OK, I'll call her and tell her to go online. You wait off to the side," I said, reaching for the hotel phone. I quickly dialed Kelly's number.
"Hello?" was the answer from the other side.
"Kelly? It's me," I said, not even waiting for confirmation. "I have something to tell you, but I need to tell you over vid-phone."
"OK, Bryan, but I'm in my PJs, so don't laugh."
"That's fine. I'll see you in a few," I said as I hung up. I nodded to Ben and called up the video-phone program, dialing into the Internet. A moment later, Kelly's IP appeared in my contact list. I clicked, watching the status bar change to 'connecting.' I picked up the headphones with the attached microphone, slipping them on just as Kelly appeared, dressed unflatteringly in a purple tee-shirt. Fortunately, the quality was too low to tell that she didn't have makeup on, so I didn't laugh. She was wearing the same kind of headsets I was, except her hair puffed out around them.
"OK, Bryan. What's so important that you couldn't tell me over the phone?"
"Well, it's taken two years, but I finally found someone," I said. I could almost hear Kelly faint at that.
"Really? Who?" she said, regaining her composure.
"Well, you've seen him plenty of times..."
"What? Do I know him? Is it Mike or Jim?"
"No, you don't know him, you've just seen him..."
"Bryan! You know I hate riddles like this," Kelly said, fuming. "OK, I give up. Who is it?"
"Are you sure you want to give up so easily? Can't you guess?"
"God, Bryan... just tell me already!"
"OK, OK. Don't have a cow. It's Ben Aflleck," I managed to say without bursting into laughs.
"Yeah, I'll just go and get Matt Damon now. If it really is, let me see him."
"OK, here he is," I said, queuing Ben to walk up next to me and squat so the camera could see him.
"Yeah. Right. Come on, who is it?"
"I already told you: Ben Affleck," I said. Ben leaned to me whispering that we should use the photo.
"Augh! Bryan!! That's another person, and I'm dressed like this?! I haven't even done my hair! I'm a mess," Kelly said, realizing that she wasn't quite impeccably dressed.
"It's OK, it's not like we can see anything. Anyway, here's my proof," I said, reaching over the controls. I clicked on the new file, zapping it to Kelly. The pictures froze for a moment as the modem shot the information over the 'net. A moment later, it appeared on the side of the video, and the images updated again. Kelly had a strange look on her face as she peered to the left of the camera, at where I supposed the screen was.
"My God... Bryan," Kelly said, barely. She paused, staring at the photo.
Kelly was still giving a credible impression of a gaffed fish when I spoke into the headset again. "Told you so." I smiled at that. It was Kelly's favorite phrase when we were young.
Kelly suddenly shouted something like, "MY GOD! IT'S REALLY HIM!!", but I couldn't tell, because all I was able to hear was screeching. I cringed and quickly turned down the volume.
"Kelly-- calm down. You know you can't tell anyone, right?"
"Of course. Bryan... how did you...? Actually, tell me later. Let me speak to him," Kelly said, totally calm once again. I always wondered how she could go from hysterical to quiet in a moment. I handed the headset to Ben, letting him have the seat.
"Hello?--yes--I don't know--Of course--last night--no, he didn't--yes, I know--Tom? Of course--I won't--Hey, that's almost insulting.--OK, later." Ben shrugged. I unplugged the headset from the laptop, turning on the speakerphone.
"Uh, Kelly... what was that about?" I asked, peering into the camera.
"Nothing. Just... never mind," Kelly replied, asking again about how we met. ----
An hour later, we were just about finished. "Remember, you two. This is for keeps; do NOT fuck this up. I'm not about to let the opportunity to meet Hollywood stars slip away. If you break up, I'll bonk you personally over the head with my training book. And that's one HEFTY book. Anyway, goodbye. I've got to get to the school for a meeting. I'll talk to you later," Kelly finished.
"Yes, goodbye," I said.
"It was nice meeting you, Kelly," Ben said as Kelly waved, then signed off. I quit the program, dreading my modem bill.
"So, what DID she say at the beginning?" I asked.
"Well, she told me that I 'was very lucky and will be happy with Bryan,' then told me that if I do anything to hurt you, she'll come over and hurt me back. She's rather protective, isn't she?"
"I guess so. But she's my best friend, nonetheless, and has helped me fend off numerous gay-bashers."
"She sounds so nice. I'll have to introduce Matt to her. I think he'll like her."
"OK, but I'd be careful. Anyway, isn't Matt dating Winona Ryder?"
"Yeah, but these inter-Hollywood romances have the lifespan of a tetse fly," he said, shrugging. He promptly fell onto the bed, pulling off his shirt seductively.
"What happened to Gwyneth?" I said, hoping this was an acceptable topic.
"Nothing," he said, lying on the bed, "She's an old friend. I told her about me, and she agreed to 'cover' for me. We eventually agreed that it was in our best interest not to have her hide it, because she wanted to be able to date without worrying about the press."
"Ah. And does Matt know?" I said, referring to Matt Damon.
"Yeah," he said, looking at the ceiling, "he knows. But I'm not going to tell him about us right now. I want to suprise him."
"And what about--" I started.
"God! Bryan! Are you really gay? Geez, I'm lying here half naked, and you're ignoring me!" Ben said sarcastically, sitting up.
I smiled, then fell onto him on the bed. We made love again several times, falling asleep periodically, but always being ready for more.
That evening I lay in bed, holding Ben's hand as he slept quietly next to me. I suddenly recalled that I had only done this with one other person. "Tom," I whispered, "I'm keeping my promise."