It was then that for the first time that Ashok said those words, "I love you Somu, and I mean it."
Words that were enough to make him think even in his love induced sleep. But he was just too numbed to react. He just rubbed his hand around the coarseness of two day old stubble of Ashok, which he had felt so close to his face and lips when Ashok kissed him. "You know it is the first time that you called me Somu." "I know but I want it make these moments together look special and why let what I call you in love be the same as what I call you in public?" The message was clear: the lover Ashok in the night of bed was to be different from the friend Ashok in public and this love truly was to persist even if it was just love for some physical gratification. He had nothing to complain and in fact he was ready for this compromise as much as Ashok was. He however chose not to react right then. Sleep was too overpowering and the two just went to sleep leaving the rest to tomorrow. The morning was heralded by the sound of hustle and bustle from the other research fellows" suits and Somesh reluctantly woke up to find Ashok still in deep sleep. The face showing the same confidence and reassurance even with eyes closed. He kissed his forehead as if to have some of Ashok"s confidence rubbed on to him. Everything in the room just raked of sex even in the morning. And even without shower and shave, Ashok looked like the mythical heroes who represent masculinity. Somesh just lay on the bed looking at him and reflecting on the night gone by. Where are they headed from here? What did the act together mean for their friendship? And more than that, how would Ashok react to it in the morning? What if Ashok is not gay like him but only looking for a partner to take care of his needs-would it mean that he actually does love him as he would love a female? The sound of some researcher"s child speeding by in the gallery outside their suit finally woke up Ashok. As he came to grips with his surroundings, he saw the doubts written into Somesh"s face. "Don"t worry, be happy," he said while snuggling up to him. "Yeah I am, happy as in gay," which made Ashok chuckle. Somesh"s face grew serious, "Ashok I mean it-I really am gay and while what happened yesterday..." "You have got nothing to worry about Somu. I know that you had some preference for men and I have seen you eying guys more often than once. And while I am not sure if I am really gay, straight or bi, I do know that I love you like I have never loved any person-man or woman-before." "But where does that leave us Ashok? I mean I will be out of here in about one year and heavens know if we will ever meet after my graduation. You most probably will get married, have kids and be busy with a career in a few years." Ashok watched him intently as if to find the answers for all the questions of Somesh on his face. "Somu, in case it is hard for you, I will not force you to continue our relationship for I want to see you happy and I can see misery written all over your face. To be honest, I do not deny that I will get married and live a straight life some day. And despite the confidence with which I made love to you, I am new to all this man to man stuff. It is perhaps your past experience that makes it easy for me. And I must say that in a way I wanted to do it all to make you happy. I am human and even if you did not realise I was getting aroused even in high fever when you were rubbing Vicks over my chest the day before. I never ever have had any judgments about being gay or straight but just to assure you, I am not using you merely as a sex partner. I do it because I really do love you. I would not have even touched any man if it were not you," Ashok said while his hands roamed on Somesh"s still naked body. Ashok moved on to kiss his new lover"s face and could see a more assured look in his eyes. "Hey, we better get dressed and meet for breakfast after shower," said Somesh. Ashok knew he was avoiding getting involved in another session of love so soon. So he let him go and got up to tidy his room and himself too. Somesh could not exactly pinpoint to the reason for his newfound confidence. Maybe it had to do with Ashok"s total honesty. Unlike many men he did not make any pretensions of "till death do us part" kind of puppy love. The love was for only a small time but it was based on honest assessment of ground realities. Why complain then, make hay while the sun shines, he thought. As he came to the mess, he saw Ashok was already there, his face glowing now with shave and shower and his eyes with their characteristic child like gleam. Somesh left for the market after breakfast with a zeal he perhaps never displayed at the idea of shopping. While purchasing his monthly quota of toiletries and window shopping in general, he came across a chemist"s shop. Well why not be prepared boy scout?" he chuckled. He purchased the premium scented brand of condoms and then asked for a jar of Vaseline, eliciting a smile from the young but much experienced salesperson. Thank god the market was real far from the institute. Checking his list of items he was convinced he had extended his purchase much beyond what he had actually intended to buy and he went to wait for the bus of the institution. He saw the kids of one of the more high profile professors debate on who should get the window seat on the bus, while their father as usual way busy discussing something with the wife of one of his colleagues in his characteristic know-all disposition. But Somesh was just too engrossed in his own self to pay much heed to goings on around him. When the bus finally arrived, he chose a quiet seat at the back and started humming a song he had loved all his life-some romantic song of the yesteryears. Back to the institute, he headed straight for the computer centre (yeah there were times in the past when even students from top management institutes had to depend entirely on the computer centre for the PC/laptop culture had not reached the present levels of spread due to high costs). After checking his mails, he wanted to indulge in some "pondy-watch" but it was so hard to go for "gaywatch" with guys around. He returned thinking of meeting Ashok during the lunch. The mess as was expected, hardly buzzed with activity in this semester break period. The usual research students, some PG students and a few employees with account in the mess were seen. He scanned the area for Ashok and he realised that he had still not started his meal, as he was busy chatting with a co-researcher and his wife. Somesh went to join them and could feel a sense of aloofness in Ashok at the time. He was somewhat disappointed and went ahead to have his meal, joining another unmarried researcher, who like Ashok was single and handsome and an employee of a PSU. This guy was a fitness freak and with almost a five kilometre run around the campus everyday, he was an athlete in the garb of researcher. But Somesh knew he was hopelessly straight-they often sat on adjacent computer terminals and taking him to be a buddy of the same age group, Bhaskar (that was this guy"s name) often showed Somesh the latest pictures of nude girls he managed to download despite strict vigil by the network administrator. While talking to Bhaskar, he could see a definite lack of comfort in the eyes of Ashok who was still sitting with the couple at the far end of the mess but looking continuously at him. Well if he is not comfortable with me joining his group, why should I bother about his discomfort? Thinking thus, Somesh continued to have a peppy talk with Bhaskar and just enjoyed the present moment. After the meal, he just left and went to his room to catch some sleep. He did not even bother to ponder over the behaviour of Ashok. Somesh woke with a hard on in late afternoon. He smiled at his reinvigorated libido, which in turn also reminded him of the incidents of the last three days and he lost his hard-on with the memory of the event in the mess. "Well no time to reflect or brood-have a lot to do in life than just chase men," he said to himself. So, for the first time in the mid-sem break he got involved in studies. After almost three hours of studies he left for the student activity centre for a game of table tennis. By the time he returned it was almost eight o clock and he had a quick shower and then rushed to the mess. There was such haste in his rush that he failed to even see the slip that Ashok had slid through his door in the evening. Somesh was now highly resolved to not let himself be caught in emotions and hence rather than wait for anyone, just went ahead and had his meal. He did not even notice Ashok come and join him at the table. "Hi!" The greeting made Somesh look up and then he saw Ashok. He reciprocated the greeting and then was back to his meal. "Did you read my slip?" Ashok asked. "No, I did not even know that you sent me a slip." "Actually I did not send it to you. I came to meet you in early evening and as you were not in the room, I wrote the slip and slid it through your door." "Oh, was it about anything special?" Somesh asked. Ashok"s face grew serious. "Can we talk for sometime?" "Sure." Right at that time Bhaskar also came in and joined them on the table and it was once gain back to jokes and discussion of games. Ashok was feeling irritated. Sensing that, Somesh asked, "So Ashok, you wanted to say something?" "Well, not really..." "Hey, hope I am not intruding into some conversation you guys were having," Bhaskar chipped in. "Oh not at all, nothing like that," Somesh said. So it was back to the course of jokes and gossip much to the chagrin of Ashok. At one point he lost his nerves and just stomped out of the mess. Bhaskar looked at him in a puzzled manner. "Is he ok?" he asked Somesh. "Yeah, should be fine!" Even Somesh could not understand this strange behaviour-for in his maturity he had never even thought that love can at times make you possessive too.
To be continued...