It was time to go back to his work. No respite there, blame it on being self employed. He was once again in a mood to curse himself for having trusted the guy online. There is little for those above 30 online and he was a full three years more, not to forget his less than handsome looks. And despite knowing this well he could not help going to the place where the 28 year old had promised to meet him. No one apparently seemed to be looking for him-which was nothing new. And then one guy standing around just left on his motorbike with a frown now quite familiar to him. It was deja vu-how many times would he keep on insulting himself like this looking for something that no longer was to be in his domain? It is hard to be honest with your sexuality if you live in India and though he was not bold enough to come out, he was no chicken either to compromise by getting married to a female like many of his friends. It turns lonely at times, and maybe that is when the optimist in him often replaces the pragmatic who knows there is little scope for a 30 plus average Joes. He was almost home by now and realised that it is time to leave self-pity and work for his daily bread and so he headed straight for the home office. It was the same case of financial assessment. How much he disliked finance, but it definitely paid well. In no time he had once again diverted his frustration with the lack of a stable or even casual partner on to the numbers and then the consultant in him was in full bloom. So it felt almost like a piece of jarring music when the phone rang, diverting his attention from the screen of his PC. It was one of the older clients, a head of a leading charitable organisation urging him to make a presentation on some guidelines for charities after the recent changes in tax laws. He did not like such superficial conferences but then who can afford to annoy a major client, more so if his offer means a chance to meet many prospective clients. So despite little inclination he did agree for the presentation. The chirping of birds welcomed him to Sunday morning, and he realised it was once again his time to compromise with long hours of sleep and get ready for the conference. The venue was not very far but he had to be formally dressed, a chore he hated as much as looking into the centrespread of some girlie magazine. By the time he was ready it was already 9 am and he had only about 30 minutes to reach the place. He had one last look in the mirror-the first in the day to be precise for he never ever admired his body. Things seemed to be in order for him. It was the same routine of meeting and networking once he reached. His client introduced him to many interesting people but being a case of charitable trusts, he did not find any big party turn up for the seminar in a small city like Lucknow. He went through with his presentation with almost mechanical precision and came back to his seat wishing that no one puts up any silly questions for him. Luckily no one did. And soon it was time for lunch break. He was keen to leave and so headed straight to meet his client, standing surrounded by the organisers. "Swamiji, if you would permit I wish to leave," he said. "Ok beta, go in case if you have anything important lined up, but do have your lunch," said his client at his nurturing best. He turned to the dining table to just complete this last ritual of having lunch before heading back home to at least read some of the important business news from the week gone by. So desperate was he to have his lunch fast that it took him a fully thirty seconds and a shriek from the person next to him to realise that he had stepped on to the poor guy"s foot. "Ah...I am sorry, I failed to see you...well...er..." "It is ok, I can understand," said the man whose foot he stepped on. He heaved a sigh of relief, but then it hit him... "Excuse me," "Hey nothing to worry, I am ok." "No Sir! I just wanted to ask you if you are... Mr. Ashok." "Yeah, that is my name, but how do you know me?" The irony of the statement was so obvious. You may know a guy inside out but still you do not know him! Without falling into another bout of reflecting on life he preferred to ignore the fact that Ashok knew him, had been in bed with him and even professed his love for him. That was when he was in his 20s. Ashok must be a married guy now. He had heard of his marriage when he was on training abroad. He suddenly felt he lost his appetite and left in a huff. Driving back, he tried hard not to remember his past years but Ashok was one of the more poignant of the memories. It was during his post graduation in management from one of the leading institutes that they met.