APRIL
This is a fantasy, nothing more (at least most of it).
I sit here in my slik lounging PJ's and think about the events which have led me to be comfortable with myself as I am. It hasn't been an easy road to travel, but it has yielded some good results. . . and I am happy!I've been crossdressing since I was a little girl of about 10. My sister's huge closet filled with so many pretty clothes made me jealous. Eventually I started trying some of them on. It was partly to satisfy my envy and partly to escape the abuse we all suffered under the hand of my stepfather . . . abuse which, for the most part she seemed to be spared. I was sure that I was in for more of it when I was caught one day by my older brother! But he didn't say anything.
As the years went by I crossdressed off and on, discovering in the process my mother's lingerie drawer. Her taste in lingerie was "primitive," certainly not my own. But at least it was there. It was there that I first came to cherish the feel of panties, stockings, and a brassiere cupped around my small "breasts." Later, after I had moved out on my own and had bought a few items of lingerie for myself, I looked back on those days with a sad fondness coupled with chagrin. Chagrin at the thought of the unflattering and unpretty things she had chosen to wear. Fondness at the memories of the gentle but anxious discovery of my own body and longings.
After many years I came to the point where I could no longer control the urge to crossdress. It seemingly came and went of its own accord. I finally decided that this was a part of who I am and that I needed to explore and get to know this part of me. In my explorations I was introduced to Maria. Maria ran a place called The Farm. The Farm is a place, away from any major cities, where men are taught to be women. It's where you can cease to be male and immerse yourself in femininity, becoming a woman in "body", in mind, and in psyche. You learn to look, act, think, and feel like a woman. It is an experiential place, you learn by doing and by experiencing.
Maria is a post-op transsexual in her late 40's or early 50's. She made a similar journey to each of us ending, of course, with the complete and total transformation to woman-hood. She started The Farm after she realized that there are so many of us who are struggling to come to grips with our femininity and who are seeking to find out its place in our lives. She doesn't try to convince anyone to become female. She doesn't claim to be a counseling center for TS's, although she does hold a Ph.D. in clinical psychology. this is simply a place to explore and learn about a part of yourself.
I first learned of The Farm from my friend, Kara, who had been there. She is a magnificent woman. Her male persona, Bill, arranged an introduction to her female persona via a blind date. We found we had much in common and became good frineds. The transformation from male to female was so complete that I thought that these were two completely different people. I didn't find out that they weren't until I had been friends with each persona for several weeks. After we had known each other for many months Kara decided to tell me about The Farm. The number of people who know about this place is few. The number who have been there is far fewer. Maria is very careful about who she sees and helps.
Kara introduced me to Maria. I had to come as a male and make the transformation to female in front of Maria. She interviewed me first as a man and then, after my transformation, as a woman. I had to convince Maria that I had the time to devote to The Farm and the desire to see this experience through to the end. Maria explained that we were always free to leave if we should decide to. But she didn't like starting with someone who turned out to not be serious about becoming truly feminine.
Somehow I managed to convince Maria and the next month I bade goodbye to Kara and left for The Farm. I had no idea what I was in for but I was very excited about whatever was in store.
The Farm
When I arrived at the airport I was met by a large black limousine with windows tinted so dark that I was sure it belonged to the Mafia . . . or the Secret Service. Inside I found three other men. We exchanged nervous glances and sat in silence as we rode to the Farm. As the door closed behind me, I realized that the windows were not only too dark to see inside, they were too dark to see clearly outside as well. We traveled for about three hours. After the first hour the four of us finally started to talk. We were all scared and unsure about our decision. Interestingly, no one really talked about why they were there (although we all knew) and no one said their femme name. We seemingly pretended that we were going somewhere else.
We arrived eventually at The Farm. We were met by some very polite young men and women who took our luggage, gave us some preliminary information, and asked us to be seated in the main conference room.
In the conference room we found several others waiting. There were about 12 of us in all. After a few minutes Maria arrived and asked us to be seated. She explained that we were free to leave at any time. All we had to do was ask and we would be taken home at no expense to us. We were also asked to sign a statement of non-disclosure guaranteeing that we would not openly divulge to the general public the whereabouts of The Farm or what happened there.
Next Maria went into many of the same topics we had each been trying to deal with: Are we gay? Are we TS? She explained that popular pornography degrades TV's and TS's to the point that it is seen as a perversion by most people, to include many TV's and TS's. She had dealt with this for many years before coming to grips with her own identity and choosing to become Maria in body as well as in soul. Her sole purpose at The Farm was to help us each realize what being TV's meant, what being female meant, and, possibly, to help us deal with questions beyond that. She said emphatically that The Farm was not there to convince any of us to become female (TS), or to convince any of us who weren't already to become gay, or to in any way mess us up mentally. The Farm was a place of experiential learning. This was crucial, she explained, because women were not only biologically different from men, but they had been raised differently as well. It was indeed a rare woman who had grown up with the freedom to chose that a man was given, regardless of the subject. Women were also indoctrinated in behaviors such as being subservient to men, taking care of the basic common business of life, different sexual behaviors, and so on. In order to make the full transition into a female role, we would have to understand that psychological side of being feminine as well as the physical side of clothing, behavior, and makeup. We would each have to deal with the experiences in our own way. Maria and her staff were there to help us if we needed it and to stop any treatment which we felt was manipulative and harmful. She and her staff would be checking in with each of us periodically to see how we were dealing with the situations we would find ourselves in. They also, she explained, had the prerogative to remove any of us from the program if they thought that we weren't dealing with things in a healthy manner.
With that she introduced us to the staff. We were told of the general program. There was no specified time limit for completion. We could be finished in as little as four weeks or we might stay there as long as four months. A few had stayed even longer. We would receive instruction is makeup, hair, clothing, behavior, etc. as part of the program. The real learning, though, came from working with these variables in the real world. The Farm would provide a safe semblance of the real world in which we could practice before being re-introduced to our normal real world.
The Fun Begins
The first week was all classes. We were evaluated for and taught our proper makeup colors and techniques. We were taught about wigs, although we were encouraged to find a style for our natural hair. We were taught about clothing and shoes. We were prescribed diets to help us slim down to a more feminine size and put into exercise programs to shape specific areas of our bodies which didn't naturally look all that feminine. In short, we were being taught to look like the women we had always thought we should be. It was hard for many of us, but our desire was deep and we stayed with it. After only a week I began to see dramatic changes in the way I looked, walked, even felt. There were no drugs or hormones given. Such treatments, Maria explained, were outside the charter of The Farm. If we wanted those treatments we would have to seek them elsewhere. She could provide referals if we desired.
Brad
All of our male attire was placed in sealed bags and stored for us. When we left it would be returned to us. While at The Farm we wore female attire exclusively. The first week it was mostly casual attire, warm-ups and such, but we did get to wear dresses on occasion. Sunday evening of the first week we were given a cocktail party to celebrate our success during that week. The dress was, of course, cocktail dresses, etc. We all arrived looking quite female and very different from when we had arrived only a week earlier.
We were surprised to find men at the party. Not the staff whom we had become comfortable with, but other men dressed in appropriate masculine attire as well. These men quickly introduced themselves to us and conversations were well underway when Maria arrived. We were invited into the dining room were a lovely candlelight banquet was set for us. We each found ourselves sitting with men in foursomes. The men at our tables were the ones we had been conversing with the most. I suddenly felt like a pick-up. I was a little upset by this but, at the same time, flattered by the thought that this man would find me attractive enough to meet and to pick up. I wondered what he would expect.
We dined and the conversation was friendly and comfortable. We drank wine and chatted after dinner for what seemed like forever. Everyone seemed to be forming actual couples although there didn't seem to be any pressure to do so. After a while Maria stood and spoke. She told us that the gentlemen with whom we had been talking were long-time associates of hers and The Farm's. They were part of the program whenever they could make the time to do so. These gentlemen had consented to join us for the next few weeks. It was up to us to form relationships with these men and find one who was compatible with us. We were expected to date and, perhaps even live together. we would be taught more about being female by these gentlemen over the next few weeks as we practiced the first weeks teachings in a "real world" environment. No word was specifically said about sex.
After that Maria bid us good evening and wished us the best for the next few weeks.
As dinner broke up I found myself walking with a strikingly handsome man named Brad. Brad and I had several common interests from both work and non-work activities. We strolled about the grounds for a long time. Finally he took my hand, kissed it sweetly, and said that he would like to be my partner. I said that I would like that. He kissed me lightly on the lips. We turned to walk some more, me holding his arm. We encountered several other couples who were also walking arm-in-arm. Everything seemed so romantic and beautiful.
Brad and I agreed to date for the next week or so and see where that went. In short order we found ourselves at my room. It was late and I needed to get to bed, but I hated to leave this romantic situation. I was also worried about being asked to have sex with Brad, although there had been no overt mention of it by him. Brad spoke softly and sweetly, wishing me a good evening. He kissed me gently but fully on the lips. I found myself moving toward him and returning his kiss, my arms going around his neck. When we parted I was no longer sure that I DIDN'T want this beautiful man to come inside with me. Brad ended my quandary by saying goodnight and leaving.
The next morning I sat with my friends at breakfast prior to attending the days regimen of exercise and classes. The talk was, of course, all about last evenings events. They each had had similar experiences. We were all in wonder of what would come next. A few, who were gay, had actually had sex with their partners and were planning to move in with them the next day or two. I left breakfast wondering if we were all really expected to follow suit. I found myself working extra hard during exercise class and paying a little more attention to the other classes that morning.
I met Brad for lunch, as we had planned. He was just as sweet as the evening before and I found myself wanting to drown in his deep blue eyes. He gave me no pressure to do anything and, after a while, I found myself wondering if there was anything wrong with me. He glanced away once and I looked where he had. I saw another of us girls and became immediately jealous. I suggested that we leave the cafe and go somewhere else.
That afternoon we went horseback riding. I discovered new ways to sit with my penis pushed down between my legs. After a while I had to pull it back up and out of the way. Brad told me that there was a dance that evening and asked if I would attend with him. I, of course, said that I would. Brad was just as sweet all during the ride. Still no pressure. Ours was fast becoming a platonic-plus relationship. I sensed that he would enjoy having sex with me but that he would not ask. I still wondered if there wasn't something wrong with me.
We returned from the ride about 3:30. The dance was at 8:00 and Brad wanted to go to dinner before. We agreed that he would pick me up at 7:00 for dinner. I rushed home to bathe and get dressed. Now I was looking back over my notes on makeup, hair, dress, even how to walk, talk, and eat like a "lady." I found myself eagerly anticipating our date and wondering where it would end. I was determined to make sure that Brad noticed no other girl there but me!A Loss Of InnocenceAt 7:00 on the button Brad showed up at my room. I was dressed in an strapless pink evening dress, tea length with a short white jacket with half sleeves. The neckline was deep in the front and deeper in the back. Underneath I had a strapless bra to accommodate the necklines while still maintaining breast forms in place, G-String panties, garters and stockings. My shoes matched the dress and had 2 inch heels. My hair was not long enough for a suitable style so I wore a shoulder length wig that matched my own natural reddish-auburn hair color.
Brad was resplendent in his black tux. He complimented me on my dress, makeup, and hair. He had a corsage for me which I let him pin onto my jacket. I was blushing the entire time, feeling like a schoolgirl going to her first prom. We walked to dinner arm-in-arm as I felt my walk change with each step. My bottom was really swaying and I couldn't seem to control it. In truth, I didn't want to control it. I was really starting to feel feminine and enjoyed being with Brad.
At dinner we sat alone. Brad doted on me totally. I loved the attention and could have sat there for hours. I don't even remember what we had to eat. But the dance started and we had to go. We had covered dancing during the first week and had practiced some. Still, I had never actually danced with a man like this and was a little nervous. Brad took me in his arms and swept me away on air (at least it seemed like it). We danced without stopping for more than an hour. Finally, a little tired, we went for a drink. As I waited for Brad to return with our drinks, I saw that most of the others were there with their dates as well. Some were snuggled in a corner and were obviously making plans for after the dance, if not during. As Brad returned, a couple of my friends came by on the way to the Ladies Room. I excused myself and joined them. We talked about our dates and how things were going. I found out that one of them had already agreed to move in with her partner and that the other was seriously thinking about it. I mumbled something about not wanting to appear too easy and all that. My friends smiled acceptance. Still, I was a little uncomfortable with their reaction.
I returned to find Brad talking with another of my friends . . . the same one he had looked at earlier. I joined the conversation and quickly steered it away from their topic and onto the plans Brad and I had made earlier. I wanted her gone from the conversation as quickly as possible. She finally left after saying something about seeing Brad around. I thought, "over my dead body, Bitch!"We finished our drinks and returned to the dance floor. We danced for another hour and then decided to leave. It was getting late and the dance would be ending in another half hour or so, anyway. As we walked back to my room, Brad put his arm around me and snuggled me closely. I didn't resist. We reached a particularly pretty and romantic spot and he stopped, turned, drew me close, and kissed me deeply on the lips. I drew closer to him and felt his erect penis hard against me. I smiled knowing that I could arouse him after all. We finished the kiss and without a word he held me close. I was so relieved that he could get excited over me. I noticed that he seemed to be looking in another direction and pulled apart to look that way myself. I saw another couple who had been walking by. The man had left for a moment to do something and she was standing there alone, looking our way. Brad was looking at her! I got so angry that I almost wanted to hit him. I realized, though, that the way to keep him from looking at others was to make him think only of me. I pulled him back into another kiss and pressed myself up against him as firmly as I could. He responded by pulling me closer still and pressing his really hard penis against me, rubbing it gently around. We kissed there for a long time. I finally decided that I wanted, no needed, to have sex with Brad. I wanted him to think only of me. All thoughts of the ramifications of this decision left me. Besides, all my friends were either moving in with their partners or thinking hard about doing so. They were all certainly having sex with them. It was all just part of being a woman. Right?I led Brad to my room and asked him to come in. He asked if I was sure. Taking his hand I said, "Yes, I'm sure."Brad entered my room and immediately took charge. I was a little dizzy from my decision and the tension of the moment and I yielded totally to him. He kissed me all over, our passion rising. I dropped to my knees, pulled down his pants, and took him into my mouth, trying desperately to please him. He came quickly and collapsed into a chair. Breathing hard, he told me to go into the bedroom and get changed, he would be there in a moment.
I changed into a favorite red nightgown. Checked my makeup, hair, and put on a pair of red 3 inch heels. As I turned on some soft music, Brad entered the room. He had drinks for us one of which he gave to me. Then he took off all of his clothes. I took a deep drink, and settled onto the bed. Brad was sweet and tender and gentle. He brought me to the brink of ecstasy over and over. Having already come, he was slower to peak than I was. Finally, I could stand it no longer and came as intensely as I ever have. I was so emotionally attached to Brad at that moment that, when he asked me to roll over, I eagerly complied. He massaged my backside and spoke soothingly to me. As I relaxed, Brad continued to massage me and nibble my back and neck. Soon he spread me and entered my bottom. I was expecting the pain but was still surprised when it came. I also found myself pushing back toward him. Soon the pain began to subside and I felt him going in and out of me, reaching deeply into me. The thought that I was having sex with this man made me even more excited! Soon I had another erection and was building toward a climax. Brad came inside me and I thought that I was going to come as well. When I didn't, I reached down to help myself along. I felt Brad's firm hand cover mine and he help me masturbate until I came again.
Brad withdrew and snuggled with me. I lay there feeling so much a part of this beautiful man. I wanted this moment to last forever. I thought about how feminine I felt right then.
Soon Brad got up to leave. I asked if he really had to go. He said something about it not being proper for him to stay the night under these circumstances and left. I let him go but missed him immediately.
The next morning I met my friends at breakfast again. They both remarked immediately about the difference in the way I looked. I confessed that I had given up my virginity last night and they congratulated me. We talked during the meal about the evening's events, including sex, and went on to the day's activities.
We were still exercising and learning makeup and hair tips. We were also being left alone more and more. At first this was okay. But now that everyone was getting into serious relationships, there were fewer people to fill the free time with.
Coupling
Brad didn't meet me for lunch that day. He left me a note about some business he had to attend to and said that he would meet me for dinner. I sat at the restaurant alone waiting for him. Everyone else was in a couple and I felt conspicuously alone. I was afraid that I had been too easy with Brad last night. Did he think I was disposable or what?Brad showed up 30 minutes late for dinner. I was furious but afraid to show it. He apologized and said that he had been detained, nothing more. I decided then and there that we needed to be together. The question was how to get him to ask me.
We talked about how the program was going and the conversation turned to how everyone had so quickly coupled. I said that everyone seemed so happy . . . I was glad for them. Brad asked if I wasn't happy for us and I replied that I had really missed him that afternoon. I kind of wondered if he still wanted me. I felt on the verge of crying and feeling so ashamed for losing control there.
Brad asked me what would make me feel better. I replied that I didn't know. He said that the only we could spend more time together was if we moved in together. I quickly asked if he was asking me to move in with him. He hesitated a moment and replied that he was. Then I really began to cry.
We left the restaurant soon after that and went to his apartment. We had incredible sex and I stayed the night with him. The next day I told my friends at breakfast and they agreed to help me move that afternoon.
The next couple of weeks with Brad were heaven. He doted on me and helped me make my transformation each morning. Soon I wasn't changing back at all. He had favorite outfits and I wore them whenever I could. He had favorite hairstyles and I fixed them whenever I could. He had favorite meals and I started cooking in his apartment, trying to have it ready when he returned in the afternoon. I began to feel very much like a wife. I was very happy.
The Beginning Of The End
After a couple of week, though, Brad began to treat me a little differently. He didn't say much when he was home and he was sometimes unresponsive in bed. Sometimes he would wake up in the night, roll me over and simply take me . . . then go back to sleep! I began to wonder what was wrong with me! What had I done?Brad began to criticize the way I looked. He thought that my waist wasn't small enough. My face looked too full. My natural hair wasn't as long as he liked it. I became very insecure and didn't know what to do to please him. Then one day I found a phone number on his chest-of-drawers. I called it and was answered by the "friend" who had so distracted him early on. The SOB was having an affair on me!I confronted Brad that evening. He dismissed me as being crazy. He said that I was imagining things because of talking with my friends. I was seething mad. Brad said that he didn't have to put up with this shit and threatened to throw me out.
I immediately became afraid of what my other friends would say if they thought that I had botched my relationship with Brad. I immediately imagined that the "friend" he had been seeing would be there to take my place almost before I was out the door. I became very insecure as I tried to imagine life without Brad . . . without a man.
Brad put on his jacket and left. I asked where he was going and he said, "OUT!" I cried for an hour after he left. Then I went to bed. I heard him coming in late that night. I rushed to fix myself up for him, determined to make things up to him and win him back. He came in, having had too much to drink, and simply took me. He had me go down on him and then roll over and spread my bottom. He took me until he came again. There was no romance, no tenderness. I was devastated. I felt cheapened and degraded. But I didn't know what else to do.
The next morning I awoke to find that Brad was gone. He had cleaned out his things and left during the night. I was even more devastated than before! I moved back to my room and stayed there for the next 2 days. My friends came by to see me after the second day. They said that Maria had asked about me and had asked them to convince me to join them for breakfast at the cafe for the first time in weeks. I was so terribly depressed and hurt and insecure. That morning we were told that we were to assemble in the main conference room at 10:00.
Recovery
Maria came in and said that we had each experienced a microcosm of what it was like to be a woman in today's world. If we truly wanted to function as women occasionally or full-time, we were headed for similar experiences. "The point," she said, "is to be able to handle ourselves in society and form healthy relationships with others. This is especially necessary in light of the fact that we were open to abuse by so many others.""Now," she continued, "is the time to understand what we might encounter and to develop defenses for dealing with it.
Hopefully, we would learn how to avoid some of the situations we had just encountered altogether."Someone asked if it wasn't cruel of her to subject us to this pain. Maria replied, "How can I tell you what it is like? The only way you can appreciate what has happened to you is to have felt it for yourselves. You had to go through the insecurity, the pain, and the uncertainty of competing with other women, even your own friends, in order to know and fully understand these feelings." She then told us that all was not as bleak as it appeared. We would spend the next week or two in group and, if necessary, individual sessions exploring how we felt and how we could have dealt more effectively with our feelings and the situations. During that time we would explore whether we should remain there at The Farm. After that we would try again.
The next couple of weeks were tough ones. I found that I could not easily talk about what a SOB Brad had been. I even defended him at first, blaming the "friend." Slowly I opened up and talked out my feelings and fears when he told me he would discard me. How I had felt pressure to move in with him and have sex with him because I thought all my friends were doing it, too. Ever so slowly I began to surface my anger at the unfairness of it all. I was angry with Brad for being able to hurt me so. I was angry with myself for having gotten into the situation. I was angry with myself for not knowing how to deal with it when it happened. I was angry with myself for having done the same things to women in my life. I was angry because I knew that there was nothing, from a societal point of view, that could be done to Brad. That is just the way women are so often treated.
Eventually I began to get over my anger. My friends were there for me and I was there for them. We leaned on each other a lot and we made it through. One decided to leave The Farm. We had a farewell lunch for her/him. S/he told us that s/he wasn't sure if the she would remain after all of this. But when we were through at the farm, if we didn't mind, he would be glad to take any of us out for dinner as a graduation present. And he left us.
Maria assured us that there was follow-on counseling and therapy provided in case he still had trouble dealing with his emotions. She said we shouldn't be surprised to see him at The Farm again someday. Maria explained that, now that we understood what had happened to us, we would be learning new ways to establish more rewarding relationships with men AND women. Eventually, we would be given the opportunity to try to do this again.
We spent the next week looking at the dynamics that had taken place. We practiced meeting men, fending off their unwanted advances, attracting the attention of those we wanted, even negotiating a relationship based on respect and caring.
A New Beginning
Then, one day, a couple of men appeared at lunch. We were all surprised since Maria hadn't said anything and, of course, we weren't wearing much makeup. The next day we all showed up looking good, but no men. Still, we started taking better care of ourselves. The dieting and exercise had paid off and we were all looking pretty feminine. Everyone had shaved their bodies and some wore garments to reduce certain body parts while enhancing others. After another couple days, a couple more men appeared at lunch. We began to practice our new-found skills (feminine wiles, if you will) on these "unsuspecting" men. We completely forgot that they were obviously part of the program. Over the next several days more and more men appeared at The Farm. Some came back regularly to visit and relationships were formed with several of us.
I met a couple of very nice men as well as a couple of real losers. I found out that the skills we had developed were effective, but that they weren't as easy to use with an unwilling partner. Still, I was learning . . . we all were.
We found out that, if we invited them, the men could come stay at The Farm. The trick was that, in order to stay, we had to invite them to live with us. Then they could move in.
Some of the girls made such an invitation. The men moved in. A couple began to try and play the field. The result was that they were tossed out on their ears. Yes, we were learning. The few men who remained were faithful to their partners. Others continued to visit and we continued to "date." Most of us were very careful after that, though, to make sure before we committed even the slightest.
I got to know one very nice looking man pretty well. After several dates he began to make sexual advances. I hadn't had sex for a number of weeks, not since Brad, and I surprised myself by agreeing to have sex with him. The sex was good but I found that I wasn't really all that impressed. Certainly he was well endowed and was tender and caring and all that. But I just wasn't that interested. Perhaps "driven" is a better word. Then he began to take me for granted. He had obviously had a good time with me. He began talking about how much fun we could have if we were together all the time. Then he called me "sweetcheeks." I got him up and dressed and out the door. Then I shut and locked it behind him and went back to bed. He never came back to The Farm.
I found that I was thinking about women I had known previously and I missed them. I hadn't been gay when I arrived and I came to the conclusion that I wasn't gay now. Still, I very much enjoyed the feeling of feminine attire. I really enjoyed getting attention from the men . . . and got my fair share of it. I went to talk to Maria about this.
Maria explained that not all TV's are gay. For that matter, not all TS's are gay or decide to seek the company of men after they change. It would follow, based on what I had told her, that I was basically a hetero TV. I liked girls, I just liked to be one, too.
That worked for me. The trick, then, was how to find a woman who could enjoy being with me as a woman as well as a man. Maria explained that that was a very difficult task. She recommended that I try to remember how it felt being a victim as a woman and use that knowledge to help me find someone and to establish a meaningful, fruitful relationship.
A week or two later, several of us were asked to go to the main conference room. There Maria told us that we had that we had each reached what she considered to be the peak of our experiential learning from The Farm. We were ready to return to our outside worlds. We were also free to stay longer if we wished. All but one of us decided that she was right and decided to leave.
Maria asked me to remain after the others had left. She asked if I had come to any conclusions about finding a partner back in my real world. I told her that I had some preliminary plans but nothing concrete. I told her that I was scared.
Maria assured me that my fear was normal. She also reassured me that I easily passed as a woman. Flattered, I thanked her and left.
The Farm had a graduation party for those of us who had opted to leave. We were shown videos of ourselves as we came in, thinking that we were oh-so feminine, and videos of ourselves during the past 2 days. What a difference eight weeks can make! As we loaded the limo for the trip to the airport, Maria gave each of us an envelope containing contacts in our area. These were part of a network of Farm graduates who would help us and be there for us. We were also told that we would be expected to do the same for others one day. Attendance at The Farm is a privilege extended to very few, we were told. We must be very careful whom we told about The farm and even more careful about whom we refered to attend.
In my envelope was also a letter from Brad. He apologized for how he had treated me and said that, if I could forgive him, he would love to see me again someday. I smiled knowing that I might certainly see him again but that the next time would be very different. But I was in no particular hurry . . . Brad could wait . . . I didn't need him that way anymore.
Since I left The Farm I have had several relationships with women. They were good, better than those before. But only one has lasted. Catherine remarked to me one day that I was especially sensitive toward how she felt, more so than any other man she had been with. I told her that I had had help. When she asked what kind of help, I changed the subject. Several weeks later she asked again. When I changed the subject she persisted and eventually told her almost everything. Catherine was fascinated and asked to see my things. Soon we were playing dress-up and having a ball. She said that she saw me as her grown-up Barbie. I took exception and we had a long talk about our relationship. Since then, we have not taken each other for granted or trivialized each other in any way. Sometimes she buys me clothes and sometimes we go shopping together as women. When we are out together we often attract the attention of men. We flirt outrageously but never let it get out of hand. We are very faithful to each other and our relationship. The relationship is solid, the sex is terrific, and I really do love her.
Before Catherine I had wondered if my reaction to sex with men was because of my experiences with Brad. I had sought a couple of sex partners and tried again. It was good, but not enough to last. I even saw Brad one time. He was as beautiful as ever, but the attraction was just not there. I discovered that I was, indeed, a hetero TV. Now Catherine and I are together. We don't live together but we frequently stay over at each other's apartment. In some ways Catherine is a lot like a sister, but I really do love her very much. We really are happy together. One day we may get married, but there's plenty of time for that. We're in no hurry.