Here's the legal section. After reading it, please read the section below.
All Legal disclaimers apply and are in effect. If for any reason it is illegal where you live to view material of an 'Adult' nature of if you are under the legal age limit, please leave this site now. The Author reserves all rights. Copyright 2000. The Author is Terrence Allessandro Julian with added input by Andrew Simon van Ryan. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------
Hello to all. When I finished 'Anything to Turn You On..', I stated that if you were interested in having the story continue to e-mail me. I have been overwhelmed with and by your messages. I had no idea!
So, I've decided to continue and pick up a little ways along from where I left off.
Here comes a warning. Parts twenty-six and twenty-seven deal with a tragic time in our lives. The subject matter is pivotal and is included here as such.
My own conduct leading to these events should in no way be considered as an approval of or as an encouragement of such behavior. It should in fact be a statement of my disapproval and serve as a warning to others. I do not condone this type of behavior in any way whatsoever.
That said, I invite you to join Andrew and I again in the continuation of 'Anything to Turn You On....'
Anything to Turn You On....
Book Two, Part XXVII
by Terrence 'TJ" Julian
Copyright 2000. All Rights Reserved
I fell into the rain slick street weeping and shaking uncontrollably. As I lay there I heard footsteps running towards me. "TJ!" Polly shouted. I looked up at her and reached out my arms. "He left me!" I sobbed "He left me".
Polly somehow managed getting me back to the house and upstairs. I laid across the bed crying my eyes out as she went across the hall into Wills' now vacant room and called Anita.
"Its finally happened" she said when Anita answered "Andrew just walked out on TJ and I don't blame him one bit". "OK. Keep an eye on TJ until I get there" Anita instructed "Make sure he doesn't leave or try to hurt himself. I'm on my way". Hanging up the phone she looked to the heavens and said "God, help me get through to him".
Andrew had taken the Underground to Green Park station. Emerging into the nighttime chill near Hyde Park he quickly hailed a cab. "Where to?" the Driver asked. "Heathrow" he replied and got in.
Polly sat in a chair just inside the doorway of the bedroom and watched me. By this time I had curled into a fetal position, but I was still whimpering. When she heard Anitas' car pull to a stop outside, she slipped out of the room and down the stairs. She encountered Anita on the first landing.
"How is he?" Anita asked. "Whimpering and curled up on the bed. Should we call a Doctor?" Polly responded. "No, not just yet. I have an idea" she said and motioned for Polly to follow. The two of them stepped into the living room and Anita revealed her plan.
I was still curled up and crying softly when they entered the bedroom. "Terry!" Anita shouted "Get up!" I jerked with a start and looked up. "He left me..." I started.
Anita cut me off. "Stand up I said!" she shouted. I trembled as I crawled off the bed. I slowly stood and faced the two of them. My shoulders drooped and I could barely hold my balance. "Polly" Anita said "I think you have something you wish to say to Terrence".
Polly stepped directly in from of me and began "I'm glad Andrew left you". I looked at her in disbelief.
"You have been selfish, self centered and outright mean to Andrew for the last two years! He only forgot one thing before he left. This!" she said and slapped me. Hard!
My head whipped to the right. My skin stung and my ears rang. I looked up to see her walk out the bedroom door as my hand reached for my cheek. Anita stepped in front of me and said "I hope you're happy, Terrence. Polly's right. You had best give considerable thought to your actions, otherwise there is no telling who will walk out on you next". I looked at her and whined "But he left me!"
Anita came round fast, slapping my other cheek with such force It almost sent me to the floor. My eyes closed and I saw fireworks exploding in the darkness. I opened them and put my hand to my mouth. Looking at my fingers I saw blood.
"Listen to me you little shit!" she snapped "You just pushed the best part of your life right out of this house and you know it! Now pull yourself together or you'll lose him for good!" She turned and walked for the door. Stopping when she reached it, Anita turned and glared at me "Your Father could overcome any obstacle Terrence. ANY OBSTACLE! Lets see what you're made of". She turned and slammed the door as she left. The sudden silence of the bedroom was deafening.
Joining Polly downstairs in the living room she said "Damn it! I think I broke my hand on his face". Polly remarked "I heard you slap him all the way down here!"
I stared at the bedroom door for what seemed hours. Then everything hit me at once. Anita was right, Polly was right and Andrew was gone. If I ever wanted to see him again I had to pull myself together and defeat the demon.
Standing there in shock, I remembered a small blonde boy. He was standing in a field and his Father was kicking a ball towards him. "Go ahead, Terry" his Father said "All you do is keep your mind focused on the goal. Everything else becomes easy if you always keep your mind set on reaching the goal".
I sat on the bed touching my bruised face and thinking 'What is the goal?' Over and over again I asked myself 'What is the goal?'. Each time the answer came back the same. Andrew and I. The goal was for Andrew and I to be together and I knew what I needed to do to.
I envisioned myself standing at the start of the game. I needed to win the game, to score the goal and to defeat the opposition. There was no other option except winning, anything less was unacceptable and the outcome of losing would be a sudden agonizing death. As a boy I always loved the challenge of games. I had learned how to win in everything from soccer to poker and I loved the thrill of being a winner. I calculated how such a game could end and realized there were only four possibilities. I could go to prison. I could go insane. I could die. Or I could quit. Of those four possible outcomes, only one was acceptable. Only one would allow Andrew and I to be together again.
"Game time, you fucker" I said to the demon. I knew I could win, but how? When I'd wanted to quit before, the demon changed the rules on me.
I considered the strategy for this game. How does one beat his opponent in a game controlled by the opponents rules and his rules keep changing?
There remained only the one question. How to achieve the upper hand?
In order for the demon to continue changing the rules on me, I had to engage him on the field of play. Therefore, the way to win was to simply refuse to engage the enemy. Win by NOT playing the game.
If I refused to play his game, I won by default. It was, and is a seemingly oversimplified viewpoint, but nonetheless it is a true one. Don't Play and You'll win. Now comes the hard part... NOT PLAYING!
When you've created an alternate personality through chemical means, that personality within you needs the chemistry that gave birth to him to survive. Cut off his supply and he begins to die. His reaction is to beat the shit out of you anyway he can so you'll give him what he needs. Here is where many people fail.
You have to fight to get off the playing field and onto the sidelines. My Fathers words were what I focused on "Keep thinking of the goal and everything else becomes easy". Let me add to that and say "with time".
I began my struggle that night by first walking my ragged and embarrassed carcass down to the living room where I apologized to Polly and Anita. I stood there and begged them to remain by me while I struggled through.
"I have quit" I said "The moment Andrew walked out, I quit. I hurt him and it's all my fault. I have to show him the Terry he knows is still alive and still in love with him. I have to do this my way and do it on my own, but I'll need your support. I dug this open grave and I have to fill it in. I will not be buried in it".
The two of them got up, hugged and thanked me for making the right choice. Anita offered to find me a clinic, but I reassured her I wanted to do it the hard way. On sheer willpower, alone.
If any of you ever find yourself in a similar position, please understand something. I chose the most difficult way to quit. I do not recommend others do it this way. If anyone thinks they're strong willed enough, consider this...
In his biography, G. Gordon Liddy describes twice holding his hand over an open flame until his flesh smoked and sizzled without reacting to the pain. "The trick is NOT to mind that it hurts" he says and with my situation, it was not to mind that the other person inside me was crying, screaming and kicking to be fed the drug.
In fact, I made myself consciously think of something which makes me sick to my stomach every time the thought of the drug entered my mind. I thought of drinking soured milk each time cocaine entered my mind and soon the two became a shared thought. In effect, I programmed my mind to make me feel physically ill. This made it easier to stop wanting the drug.
The psychological vise grip it had on my mind started each evening at sun set. To the alternate personality sundown was feeding time. Every day that passed without drugs, it died a little bit more and the sunset gradually became nothing to fear. The first two and a half months the demon fought like hell, twice gaining a toehold. Both times I fought harder than he did. Andrew's' love and my life were at stake.
I would not lose. Shortly after four months had passed, I knew I held the upper hand for good. The sideline of the field was where I now stood. Polly and Anita encouraged me at every stage of the game and now it was time to enter the next part of the challenge.
Andrew had simply disappeared and hadn't been heard from by anyone, not even his Mother. It was at this time I decided to begin searching for him.
He'd been devastated by losing Jesse, crushed by Wills death and the thought of losing me was far too great to bear. He'd been exhausted physically and emotionally at the time. Rather than stay and watch me die, he let his anger with me carry him away. Somewhere he wouldn't see, hear or read about my death. He would not have endured that pain.
Recalling Andrews last words the night he left, I knew how Scarlet O'Hara felt when Rhett told her 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn'. In Andy's' odd way, those parting words informed me it would be very difficult to find him. He was right.
We began with Anita hiring an Investigator. Weeks passed, then months. Nothing beyond cashing a check at Heathrow that night. Andrew had left a very cold trail and it was growing colder every day.
A full ten months after he left, I woke up one morning to the sound of the Sunday church bells. When I say woke up, I really woke up. The strangest sensation of my life surged through my body and my mind cleared as if a veil lifted. I felt like ME again. Sometime during the night, the remaining shriveled up, emaciated alternate personality I'd chemically created inside myself succumbed. The demon was dead and defeated. I won.
Five days later I received a phone call from Ben Leith. He'd just returned from New Orleans and he had spotted Andy in the French Quarter. By chance he was looking out his hotel window and saw Andrew walking past on the street below. Not just once, but twice. The second time Andrew was carrying grocery bags, so Ben assumed he was living close to that hotel, the Monteleone.
Three days later, accompanied by an anxious Anita and a very pensive Miss Polly, I landed at MSY airport outside Metarrie with the hope of finding the love I had lost.
We checked into the Monteleone late. It was already dark and the music coming from Bourbon Street could be heard at our hotel on rue Royal, a short block away.
"We'll start searching for him first thing in the morning" I said to Polly and Anita when they joined me in the lobby "Tonight let's just get something to eat, listen to a little jazz then go to bed, OK?" They agreed and we ventured out toward Bourbon Street.
"New Orleans is a big city TJ! How are we ever going to find him?" Polly questioned after we'd turned and walked down Bourbon Street a ways. "Yes, but he's HERE in the French Quarter. That's a much smaller area. We'll find him!" I assured her.
As I was saying this, Anita, who'd been following along behind us stopped walking.
She turned her head and listened. Somewhere she heard a piano and a voice, singing. She stepped back a few paces and the music grew louder and clearer.
"I was all right for awhile, I could smile for awhile
But I saw you last night, you held my hand so tight
as you stopped... to say hello..."
The song was being performed in a manner that sounded so incredibly sad. She looked this way and that, still not quite being able to detect exactly where it was coming from. She slowly stepped back a few more paces and noticed an narrow alleyway leading off into a courtyard. She listened and the piano and voice grew clearer still.
"Although you wished me well,
you couldn't tell
That I'd been
Crying.... Over you..."
"Andrew..." Anita whispered.
She looked up and realized Polly and I had disappeared through the crowd down Bourbon St. "Oh, shit!" she cried out and hurried to catch us. Trying to snatch a glimpse of us through the crowd and failing she began to shout "Terry! Terry!"
I'm sure I hadn't consciously heard her, but I suddenly stopped and asked Polly "Where's Anita?" Turning and searching the crowd, Polly replied "I don't know. She was right behind us". That's when I heard her.
"Terry! Polly!" Anita was struggling to run in her heels, trying her best to catch us. I quickly ran the short distance to her with Polly in hot pursuit.
"What is it?" I cried as I grabbed her arms. Out of breath, she panted "Andrew. I found him". "What?!" I shouted as Polly cried "Where?!"
The three of us beat a hot path as we ran back up the sidewalk. Two elderly men were exiting the alleyway as we stopped in front of them. One was saying to the other "That poor boy is a real tear jerker. Somebody musta' broke his heart right in half".
I felt the blood rushing to my head and a tingling sensation spread across my skin. I stood frozen staring into the quiet alley. Then I heard a piano begin, slowly and plaintively. Anita pushed me from behind and said "Go on!"
I swallowed hard and walked slowly towards the sound. Where the narrow alley opened into the courtyard I turned and saw him off to the left. He was seated at a long grand piano with his back facing me as he played, watched by the patrons of the courtyards restaurant. I almost stopped, but as my pace slowed I heard him. In the most mournful, sad voice he began...
"Sweet dreams of you, every night I go through
Why can't I forget the past and start my life anew
Instead of having sweet dreams about you....."
Andrews voice stabbed into my heart and I began to cry. I kept slowly moving towards him.
"Sweet Dreams of you, Things I know can't come true.."
...he sang as I stopped behind him.
"Andrew..." I said. He stopped and whirled around. His eyes went wide and his mouth opened in shock. He watched as I slowly reached my arms out to him.
"TERRY!" he shouted and leapt from the piano bench, knocking it over. He landed in my arms with such force he nearly tackled me. Wrapping his arms around me he repeated "Terry" as I cried "Oh, Andrew!". He hugged me and then frantically our lips met. We kissed and hugged and kissed again. He stroked my hair as tears flooded from his eyes. "Oh, Andrew" I said again, my voice shaking and cracking. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" I repeated "I missed you so much".
His eyes were swollen with tears as he turned to the restaurants stunned and silent patrons. "Excuse us for a moment" he managed to say. We walked to the alley and stepped around the corner.
"Oh, Terry!" he sobbed "I'm sorry I left you". "I'm sorry I hurt you" I said at virtually the same moment. He grabbed my head in his hands and said "Let me look at you". He raised my face and studied it.
"You quit, didn't you?" he said, gazing into my eyes. "Over ten months ago" I said proudly "I beat him, Andy. I beat the demon".
He began crying again and said "I should have called you. I've been so broken up without you, Terry". It was then I noticed his wedding ring.
He was wearing it and I knew he was still mine. I lifted his hand in my hand and revealed the ring on my finger. "Oh thank God!" he whispered and kissed me. Breaking away he repeated "Oh, Thank God". We stood with our bodies shaking from crying and hugging one another. I was so relieved to be holding him in my arms.
"Andrew, I want us to be together again. Will you have me back?" I asked. My voice was shaking so badly I didn't know if he could understand what I had said.
"All I've ever wanted is you" he said sniffling and wiping at his tears "All I've ever wanted".
"I stopped taking drugs Andy" I announced "I did. Ask Anita or Polly" I said and motioned with my eyes toward the street. "Go on" I said "Ask". His head slightly turned as a confused look swept his face. Taking his eyes away from me he turned and saw Anita and Polly standing at the mouth of the alleyway. Both of them had tears running down their faces. They'd been crying while watching us. Polly reached out her arms and said "Andrew".
"Miss Polly!" he whispered and reached out. She sprinted to him and nearly toppled both of us. Anita followed, crying "Andy!" before throwing her arms around us as well. We all stood crying and hugging. I kept repeating "I'm sorry Andy" and he kept hugging me.
A man's gruff voice suddenly interrupted our reunion.
"Andy!" it shouted "Get back to work!" We all turned and stared. An older man dressed in a tux and chewing a cigar stood staring at the four of us.
Andrew quickly turned to me and asked "Are you really taking me back?" I nodded vigorously. Returning his attention to the older man, Andrew said politely "James? Fuck off. I quit".
Pulling us towards Bourbon Street, Andrew said "Come on. I live just around the corner" He held my hand as the four of us walked together towards his flat. Round the corner, midway down the block and into a gated courtyard he led us. Up the outside stairs we climbed, then along the walk way.
Reaching the apartment door he paused. Turning to me he said "I think I'd better tell you something before we go in". My heart sank, but I tried to buoy it up, saying "Whatever it is Andrew, we can work it out". He looked worried and said "I hope we can, Terry". I grinned nervously and remarked "What? Is there someone else in your life?"
Just then his door opened. A blonde haired girl of perhaps fifteen years peeked out.
"Oh, Andrew!" she said "You're home early!" He nervously replied "Yes. Yes I am". Then nodding towards me he said "Laura, this is Terrence Julian. Terry, this is Miss Laura Lancaster". "Terry Julian?" she remarked in a New Orleans Accent. "Oh, Is this TJ?!" she cried happily. "Yes" Andy replied. "Oh, Andy talks about you nonstop!" she said "Come on in!" I felt a surge of relief and a backwash of fear run through me.
Andrew said "Come on" gently and took hold of my elbow. I know I was giving him a confused gaze. He sort of half smiled and lead me inside. Looking back he said to Polly and Anita "Come on, everyone come in".
I was too confused to think as we entered the flat. Once we were all inside Andrew turned to Laura and asked "How is he?"
I felt another deep pulse of fear shake me.
"He's fine. He's asleep right now" the young girl replied. "OK, Thank you Laura" he said and she started for the door "You need me tomorrow night?" she asked, stopping in the doorway. "No, Laura. I'm going to be home. You can take the night off" he said.
"OK, bye!" she said and closed the door.
"Now everyone be quiet" Andrew said and took me by the hand. "C'mon" he said softly and began pulling me down the hallway. Anita, Polly and I all exchanged curious looks as Andrew reached to open the last door. Stepping in ahead of me he looked back and put his finger to his lips, whispering "Shhhh!"
Pulling me into the room and stepping aside Andrew pointed. There, lying in a beautifully hand-painted crib was a baby. The child was sleeping with his eyes closed, but taking one glance I realized the child's face looked exactly like Andrews'.
"Oh my God, Andy!" I whispered "He's beautiful!" Anita and Polly crowded in to peer over my shoulder "Oh, a Baby!" Anita whispered. "Oh, Andrew!" Polly gasped and struggled to keep from shouting "He looks just like you!"
Andrew looked to Polly and grinned, nodding his head. Then he turned to me and his face grew worried "Are you mad?" he asked.
"No, Andy" I whispered "Can we still be together again?" I asked, starring at the child before me. "Oh, yes TJ!" he said "We can, as long as little Andy can come with me". I looked up at him, still in wonderment and said "little Andy? Is that his name?" He nodded and whispered "Andrew Simon van Ryan the third". I looked at Andrew and asked "Where's his Mother?" His face looked a bit worried again and he said "Lets go out to the living room".
As he began to lead me to the door, Anita and Polly asked "Can we stay and look at him?" Andy smiled and nodded. Entering the hall, he closed the door behind us. We sat on the sofa in the living room and he began "TJ, the night I left I didn't know where I was going. I just knew I had to leave".
"I understand Andrew" I said. He sort of smiled and said "Well, anyway I ended up at Heathrow. I just wanted to get away because I thought you were going to kill yourself and I couldn't watch it, didn't want to be there when it happened. I didn't even want to be where I would hear about it happening. First Jesse, Wills and then you? I wouldn't have survived it. So, I walked in to the ticket counter and asked where the first flight out of England was headed. The girl said 'New Orleans' and I took it.
On the flight I was seated next to a girl about twenty years old. We got to talking and I explained my situation. I was flying to a city where I'd never been before, running scared from my dying drug addicted boyfriend and not knowing what the future held. She offered to let me stay at her place for a week and help me find a job".
I stopped him and said "Andy, you have money. Why'd you get a job?" He sighed and said "I was afraid If I used my accounts someone would find me and tell me you were dead, TJ". I nodded and said "Yes, I can understand".
He continued on and explained how the girl helped him find a job and find his apartment. "The last night I stayed at her place we were drinking. I got all emotional and she became very sympathetic. Things being what they were, one thing lead to another and just like Linda, she started trying to convince me I wasn't gay, I just needed the right woman" he sighed and paused. Then he blurted out "Oh, what the hell. I slept with her and It was hideous!"
Andrews incredible sense of timing hit me just right and I began laughing at him. "You fell for that one, again?" I giggled. "Yes!" he smiled looking me up and down. "OK, go on" I said while regaining my composure.
"After a few weeks here I was ashamed I'd left, worried about you and desperate with loneliness. I was about to come home to you when she showed up on my doorstep and announced she was pregnant. We talked. She said she didn't believe in abortions, which I was pleased about. Then she announced she was going to put the baby up for adoption. I put my foot down and told her no, I wanted the baby. She agreed, but insisted that once he came home with me, she was completely out of the picture. She would wash her hands of the whole affair at that point and I shouldn't ever try to call her" he said. I simply nodded.
"Little Andrew was born just last month" he said "He came home from the hospital with me on his third day and we haven't heard a peep from her since".
"TJ?" he asked as his eyes began to well up "Please forgive me?" "You don't even need to ask Andrew" I said "He's beautiful. Even If you had to suffer though sex with a woman, I think he's worth it. Can we go look at him again?" I asked. "You mean it, Terry? You're not just saying that are you?" he asked.
"What? About you suffering through sex with a woman?" I asked in a deadpan. He smiled and hugged me. "Oh, Terry!" he said "You still love me!" I hugged him tightly and said "I promise 'till I die..."
.........Continued